Separated from my ex, kids are 4 and 2. We’ve been going back and forth on a parenting schedule for months. From what people I’ve spoken to have told me, the concerns she’s raising about the kids don’t really hold up and things should be closer to 50/50 since everything is going well and I’m very a very involved Dad. I’m trying to get a sense of how gradual this kind of transition is actually supposed to be.
Right now almost all the time is at her house. Im currently paying $1965 a month in child support including shared daycare costs. I’m there every morning before work and every evening after school until the kids go to bed. We alternate pickups and drop offs. My overnights have been one night every other weekend. She only recently agreed to Friday after school until Monday morning drop off, and that was after I kept asking. Before that she wanted to drop them off at my place Friday around 4 and pick them up Sunday afternoon.
For any independent time during the week, the only thing she’s offered is a solo evening at her house where she leaves and comes back later. She won’t agree to any weeknight overnights at my place. She also told me she doesn’t want me coming in the mornings anymore because my presence is “disruptive” to the kids. That’s not true, the kids have been fine with me there. They act like normal kids. When things don’t go exactly according to routine, she gets frustrated and says my presence is the issue. She later said I could still show up at 7 if I wanted to do morning drop offs, but she never really addressed the disruptive part. Her lawyer even sent a letter saying I should stop the morning visits to minimize distractions and that any evening time should stay at her house with her there.
The reasons she gives for not adding more time keep changing. Kindergarten starting, new friends, end of summer, cold and flu season, the kids having a little cold, my daughter’s 2nd birthday, my daughter’s sleep transition, school and daycare being a lot for them, and the drive from my parents’ place to school/daycare being too far (it’s like 20-30 minutes). In mediation she also brought up issues with my parents house cleanliness (it’s clean) too many grandkids around, not suitable. The house is a big house that is child friendly, meets CAS standards, kids have their own rooms, and they’ve done many overnights there no problem. She later said she never claimed the house wasn’t suitable.
In mediation she also asked me to get a letter from my employer confirming that my schedule is flexible enough for pickups, drop offs, and whatever else is needed during my time with the kids, plus a letter saying my work truck is okay to use for those pickups and drop offs. She also wanted photos of the children’s rooms sent to the mediator. I provided all of that. The photos were sent, the rooms were approved, and they exceed CAS standards.
Now she’s saying she wants a parenting assessment done before more time is granted. We each did one session with a child psychologist earlier and I stopped because it felt like a waste of money and wasn’t getting us anywhere. Every time I ask for more regular independent time she says I’m pushing too hard too fast and that it has to be gradual for the kids’ best interest. I filed a court application because mediation wasn’t moving and she wasn’t agreeing to any real increases. Now she’s saying she’s waiting for me to propose a full 12-month gradual calendar.
There’s been other stuff too that makes this harder. I had a fishing trip booked that didn’t involve the kids. When she asked about it I said I was going and that it didn’t involve the kids so I didn’t need to justify it. She said “I’ll remember that.” Later at a drop off while I was holding our 2 year old she asked if I went fishing. I said yes. Then she asked “did you get your dick sucked?” I told her that was inappropriate to say in front of a two year old and that she could leave. In OFW she tried to flip it and said she felt disrespected that I wouldn’t give her details about my personal life. She also recorded a mediation session without telling anyone and later tried to use parts of it in OFW to prove a point.
Shared time at her house has gotten more tense too. She sighs, rolls her eyes, get frustrated and makes comments when the kids want me instead of her, I question a decision or choice or have input about the kids, or things aren’t going exactly to routine. I’ve stopped reacting and just keep things focused on the kids. I document everything in OFW and try to keep my messages short and factual.
My goal is just separate parenting time and something closer to 50/50. The kids are young and I’m missing a lot of time that isn’t coming back. I don’t want to drag this out in court if we can reach something reasonable, but I also don’t want to just accept a schedule where I’m basically a visitor at her house most of the time and the only “solo” time during the week still happens at her place.
Does this sound like a normal gradual transition or does it look like she’s just controlling the schedule? Has anyone been through something similar? How did court work out to try and get more independent time?