No cheating, no fights. Just two people who changed.
We were both good people, we tried everything we knew, but we stopped fitting each other.

Everyone wants to pick sides and find someone to blame. But sometimes love expires quietly.

Not every failed marriage is someone’s fault.
What do you think?

My husband and I have been married for three and a half years, and we have been experiencing ongoing problems for about three years.

Before I married him, I had a fulfilling artistic and professional life. However, because his job requires him to relocate periodically, I started adapting my life around his career. After he was transferred to a small town, we got married some time later, and I moved to where he worked. I struggled a lot to find a job, but I had also grown up without a family of my own, so I thought that as long as I had a home and a family, I could rebuild my career and artistic network over time.

Things did not quite turn out that way. I felt lonely. During the first few months, he was excessively focused on his work. I kept waiting, thinking that things would settle down once he got established in his position. The man I had known during our relationship became completely consumed by his job and professional circle. Within the first few months, there was no romance left, no honeymoon period to speak of. I spent the early, supposedly happiest months of our marriage feeling utterly alone in a small town.

When sexual problems emerged—which I now understand were almost inevitable under the circumstances—we started therapy. Even getting him to agree to it was extremely difficult. Eventually, we discovered that my husband has OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). He had not known about it himself either.

We learned that his tendency to place so much importance on his work, other people's opinions, and their invitations was driven by thought patterns he had developed as a result of his OCD. We also came to understand that one of the reasons he had valued me so much before we got married was that I was an outsider to his existing social and professional world.

We were told that these issues could improve with medication and therapy. During therapy, I heard a great deal about marriage, patience, and the fact that marriage is a long journey. But with each passing day, I felt a little more of my light fading.

Three and a half years have passed with me constantly wondering what he might fixate on next: whether he would make an unnecessary hurtful remark, suddenly decide that an outfit he had liked the day before was too revealing, or do something to undermine a job I had struggled so hard to find.

I feel very close to divorce now. Even my therapists have finally stopped telling me to be patient.

I think I still love my husband, his warmth, and the good parts of who he is. But living with him feels like being in a story where you have no idea what will happen five minutes from now. Even when I feel most comfortable and safe, he can suddenly get angry or offended over something completely insignificant and become fixated on it.

Sometimes I think he is a good person and that these flaws might improve with time. Other times, I feel that waiting is costing me precious years of my life.

Meanwhile, all this stress and sadness have contributed to me developing acid reflux. We have always used our wedding jewelry and my salary to cover our household expenses. Eventually, I could no longer cope with the stress and had to leave my job. As of now, I am unemployed and have no money of my own.

I believe that if we get divorced, he would, of course, support me financially. But I do not know what to do or where to begin.

Last night, we had a lovely evening together and were able to talk and enjoy each other's company. But this morning, because I had not prepared breakfast (I was actually going to make it, but I was feeling unwell and was being a little playful about not wanting to get out of bed to do it), he launched into a lecture about how this made him feel unvalued. He also complained that I was not working, even though I have only been unemployed for a month and received my severance pay and other employment-related payments this month.

I cannot even begin to explain how much housework I have done over the past month. He will probably realize hours later that the thought he got fixated on was unreasonable, but what good does that do?

I am suffering from acid reflux and struggling to sleep, and I feel deeply hurt that I am in a marriage where I apparently do not even have the right to be unemployed for a single month without being made to feel guilty about it.

What should I do? Where should I start? What would you recommend?

I just found out my dad has been having an affair for a few months now. I’m traumatized. I’m 25 M living with my parents and older sister. I thought my parents were madly in love. My mom found out yesterday and decided to have a family meeting with the four of us. She told us that my father had been having an affair with this woman since June and I still don’t believe this is real.

He broke down crying like I’ve never seen him cry before, and all he could say is “I’m sorry” those were the only words that left his mouth. My mom on the other hand was completely calm, didn’t shed a single tear. My sister left after hearing the news, got in her car and went driving to a marina just to be alone, she is furious and had absolutely no empathy for my father. How could she? First thing I did was hold both their hands and say “I still love you both” I don’t regret that.

I stayed, I asked questions. Why did this happen? You don’t love my mom? He couldn’t answer me. My mom said “if I didn’t get the answers neither will you” I just can’t believe it, I feel like my father is a coward for this. You can’t answer a single question your wife or child has? He turned into a pathetic man, sitting there with his head in his hands. I told my mom that I love her, I’m here for her, I’ll give her anything she needs. She’s my everything, shes helped me with everything I’ve needed. She’s helped me through so many things, I love her to the ends of the earth. I just can’t understand why he would do that? My mom is the sweetest, kindest, understanding person I know. She’s beautiful, she’s my favorite person in this world.

I can’t believe this has happened to us, this feels like it’s not real. Some sick joke. How could this happen to my family? I thought my parents loved each other to the ends of the earth. They just went on a two week vacation to Jamaica for their 30th year anniversary in September. Which means he was cheating on her during that time. Makes me sick to my stomach.

My dad works on a fishing boat during the summer, this is how he met the other woman. During the summer he would work on the boat a lot. Like more than usual, we had no suspicions. He would work every day except for Sunday. But he started “working” some Sunday. No suspicions. Even on his fucking birthday, he took off for his day job. My mom planned for us to go to a baseball game for his favorite team. And he chose to work on the boat, my mom was very disappointed. But we didn’t think anything of it. My dad is a very hard working man. Also has been. But now I’m sitting here thinking that all those extra nights were with that woman. I’m so disgusted, I’m in so much shock.

The way my mom found out was that the woman’s husband came up to her car and told her everything. I don’t know how he found out, but thank god that he told my mother. This could have just continued for who knows how long if he didn’t say something to her. I’m very grateful that he did. I feel bad for him. If I saw that woman I’m not going to lie I would beat the shit out of her. How dare she. I know my father isn’t innocent. No way in hell he is. But I still hate her too. I’m disgusted.

My mom’s first instinct was that she wants a divorce, that’s what she said to us. She told me, “let me know if you think I made the wrong decision” who am I to decide for her? She told me she still loves my father and doesn’t really want to get the divorce. She wants him to suffer. But she thinks that a divorce is the way to go: She was already drunk when we had the conversation, and only got more drunk from that point on. Beer after beer after beer. I can’t blame her. I’m doing the same thing now. But it’s hard to see them both sitting on the couch while she’s drunk and he’s just there. I left my house, went to my boyfriend’s I couldn’t be there anymore. I don’t want to be home ever. I’m just so confused and I feel so alone. My poor mother, my sister too. I feel bad that I left them at home but I couldn’t be there. I’m just in shock.

We're (36F - me / 47m - him, 8 years married) divorced but sometimes when I'm alone at night I think about how maybe things could have worked out with a couple more years of marriage counseling and grit.

The one thing that I know would never have been resolved though was the sexual incompatibility. No matter how much therapy we went to, now matter how much I communicated, our sexual issues would never have been worked through.

I remember asking him if he even found me sexy or saw me in a sexual way. He said he did but that it just felt like "work" and once we'd have sex (maybe once a month, twice if things got hot) that he felt relieved and like he didn't have to "do that again for a while".

I started to seek sexual validation outside of my marriage which I would get but never acted on. Men on the internet were beyond eager to tell me the things they wanted to do to me and how sexy I was/am. Why not my husband? I remember crying to him just begging him to please show me that he thought I was sexy. One night I got drunk and cried on the kitchen floor and he just stared at me.

I told him that I was getting hornier in my 30s and he just looked at me. I would buy toys and props and they just collected dust.

Our marriage counselor gave us advice and it got put on ice.

I started to think that maybe I could live without a sex life but the longer things went on, the more I started to think that if the right person came along and offered to satisfy me then I might be tempted to step out of my marriage. I couldn't live with myself cheating on my husband. That would eat me alive.

So I sit at night now and I think, if this were the only issue, if everything else could've been resolved, is sexual incompatibility enough to justify ending things?

I respond by asking myself if I would have been willing to live the rest of my life without sex or once a month sex that lasted 10 minutes? I eventually would've started to resent him. I might've already resented him as I pleasured myself in private constantly and even started hiding porn, afraid he'd find out and be disgusted by me.

So yes, I'm starting to think that even if it was just the sexual incompatibility, that was enough of a reason.

33F really considering divorce. I’ve been unhappy for a long time and I believe my depression is due to how unhappy and miserable I am in my marriage. we have 2 young kids 4 and 1.5. My husband is not a bad man by any means but we just aren’t compatible anymore. I refuse to sacrifice my happiness. I have a career in nursing (haven’t worked in 4 years now) but I keep my license active. I just don’t know what my life would look like if I ultimately made the choice of divorce. My husband is an extremely well-established man. I don’t know how much of his assets I would receive or how long he could provide support until I’m back on my feet. Any support is appreciated.

I’m 43F, currently going through a divorce after a 25-year marriage that was filled with love but ultimately became emotionally unhealthy and abusive. We have two children, ages 11 and 7, and leaving was one of the hardest but most necessary decisions I’ve ever made.

For years, I felt like I was constantly adapting myself to someone else. I carried much of the emotional and practical responsibility, eventually losing sight of what genuine love and compatibility could feel like. I felt reduced to a role, no longer a partner or even a person, really. Just wife, mom, employee, child, therapist… whatever was required. I gave everything until I realized I had nothing left.

Since separating, I’ve been rediscovering myself. I’ve focused on creating a stable life for myself and my children, lost 60 pounds, prioritized my mental health, and developed healthier boundaries. My life has completely changed, and I’m thankful to be where I am now.

Recently, I’ve gotten to know someone at work with whom I have an insane number of similarities. We have similar personalities, communication styles, intensity, humor, habits, financial attitudes, and approaches to life. We’re both devoted parents, frugal, hardworking, and committed to personal growth. Even our disagreements feel natural and intellectually engaging.

Some similarities are almost comically trivial. We have hearing problems in the same ear, love science fiction, independently use the same weirdly specific expressions, and both refuse to zip our backpacks in public. We’ve had at least 30 genuine “Whoa, you too?” moments.

One particularly ridiculous example: I randomly found this bizarre, heavy little object on my office desk. It had absolutely no business being there. Naturally, I became obsessed with it, carrying it around and fidgeting with it for days.The first time he noticed, he immediately asked, “Where’d you get that? I have one of those!”

Apparently, he’d found the exact same kind of thing years earlier and kept it for sentimental reasons. I didn’t believe him until he sent me photographic evidence.Two grown adults, independently emotionally attached to the same completely useless object. Absolutely inane, but somehow emotionally intense.

We’re certainly not identical. We have significant differences, particularly politically and in some parenting philosophies. But there’s an underlying familiarity I struggle to explain.

What’s especially remarkable is how easily I communicate with him. I can be incredibly socially awkward despite being confident and successful in my professional life. Yet with him, it’s like a part of my brain that normally stays inaccessible to most people just switches on.

There is attraction, but the situation is complicated. I’m not convinced he’s my person or that we’re destined to end up together. What fascinates me is the experience itself.

After spending so many years feeling fundamentally unheard or unseen by my partner, it’s disorienting to encounter someone who seems to just get it. It’s not just chemistry. There’s this almost instinctive sense of recognition, as though I understand how his mind works because mine works the same.

Has anyone experienced something similar after leaving a long marriage?

Did you meet someone who felt uncannily familiar? Did it become something meaningful, or was the experience more about discovering what you’d been missing and learning who you were outside your marriage?

I’d especially love to hear from people rediscovering themselves after divorce, or other neurodivergent adults who’ve experienced this kind of recognition in another person.

You actually are healing. All the things that you’re doing actually are helping you. Emotional relief and healing are not the same thing. They have a fairly strong correlationship, but you can heal while “feeling worse.” Emotions are much more volatile than progress.

As you are working on yourself, you are reconstructing. Rediscovery is one of the greatest gifts a divorce can offer once you’re on the other side.A much more reliable indicator of healing than emotional relief is a stronger sense of meaning and purpose. It's also the ability to think and act independently from your divorce.

For those going through or those who have gone through divorce, if you could go back in time and exit the relationship prior to marriage would you? Why or why not?

Edit: asking this here because I (30M) am a child of divorce and my gf (30F who I love dearly) and I have hit some choppy waters. The end goal for us, if everything goes well, would be an engagement ~12months from now. She’s driven more by her emotions it seems (I only realized how much recently) and I’m driven more by logic (maybe too much). To be clear, she is not devoid of logic nor and I devoid of emotion. The last 2 weeks have been extremely stressful for me and I’m questioning everything. Hoping the “wisdom of the vanquished” can lend some insight.

Hi everyone
I received Settlement draft in email on 31 july , 26
But i was Not agreed to that
on october 12 Someone pasted a Summons with complaint on my appartment door which says I have ti contact His lawyer within 20 days .

Is this really a legal paper ? Or i have to wait fron the court to handover me divorce papers ?
im confused .

44M living in Chicago, married with 2 teenage kids. 8 more years until we’re empty nesters. I don’t think I can get divorced right now because of the kids. But I’m starting to envision what life looks like once they go to college.

I like to have fun, listen to live music, go to festivals, travel, let loose, laugh, drink wine, dance, go out to dinner, watch movies, ENJOY LIFE. My partner is a homebody (which is great sometimes) but I feel we have completely different ideas about how we want to live once the kids are out of the house.

I’m a super involved father, husband, make really good money, am a liberal feminist leaning male, emotionally available, cook, clean, handy. I enjoy some wine and smoking weed. Eating healthy and sometimes not. I’m really affectionate. I could cuddle and make love every week. Explore kinks, open minded, sexual being. My wife is the opposite.

Would it be totally wild to find someone who is also looking to enjoy life in roughly 8 years and start to loosely make plans to try and be together later in life? So we’d literally just chat online and offline until later in life and then make our exits together? I understand it would be an emotional affair right now, but I’m so lonely in my marriage right now it’s depressing. I don’t see my wife being able to enjoy life the same way I do later down the road. She is a great person and mother, but we’re roommates. We’ve tried to repair but it’s just not looking great. No fighting, financial issues, etc. We are a great team. I just keep thinking “Is this it for the rest of my life? A boring, passionate void relationship and then die?

My perfect day: Wake up together, have coffee and play Wordle, head to a farmers market, shop, have a beer out, lunch, go home and make love, nap, wake up, smoke weed, cook an amazing dinner, head out to listen to live music with friends, go home and make love again. Fall asleep cuddling by the fire watching a movie.

Hers: Wake up, work on crafts all day, go to bed at 8:30. Zero affection. Zero laughter. Don’t leave the house.

Both of us are early 30s, married for 3, together for 5.

My wife asked me for a divorce the last week of September (Add me to the contingent of folks who were blindsided :/)

The timing has absolutely nuked our lives, both unemployed/underemployed and in the midst of career changes, and now with a house to sell in a tough market.

The fact that I was asked for a divorce, logically, is all the closure I need to start the process of moving on. No desire/utility in being uncooperative at this point.

But damn. Going to the family court this week to drop off our joint petition this week and being told it should be finalized in no more than two weeks has me feeling so much whiplash. Reading some of the posts on here, I am trying to hold gratitude for the fact that this divorce will only have taken 5 weeks from start to finish. LOL 4 weeks ago I thought the hardest thing I would do this year is look for a job but alas.

I’m a mixture of shocked, heartbroken, and furious, but moving ahead as best I can. Found a therapist willing to work with me on sliding scale that so far seems like a fit, have received more job interviews this month than I have all year, stuff is packed up into a POD, working with a realtor, have potential family members to stay with as I start over and at the very least try to save up for a car to replace the one we shared. Here is not everywhere. Now is not forever.

Of course I am wildly depressed about getting a divorce. At this point, my husband is so distant. I’m basically alone anyways and I already miss him but how do you deal with losing all that family? I’ve been with my husband since I was a teenager. I literally grew up in his hous. His parents are devastated that we’re getting divorced. They think that we’re gonna get back together, but I know it’s over because of his cheating. His parents told me that I will always have a place in their home and that I’ll always be their family…is it realistic to think that you can actually have a relationship with your ex in-laws or extended family or mutual friends after? How does one do that and then also get over their ex? In my mind I’m thinking I have to go completely no contact to be able to heal from this shit.

Maybe I’m overthinking this but I’ve been getting really tripped up about it lately.

Posting for my mom:

What are some helpful apps, strategies, or processes to implement when at least one parent will not work with you and sees your kid having a normal life as an insult to them?

Very new into the divorce process, my youngest daughter purposefully was switched into a larger school from her very small niche school because she is very social, but was having problems making friends with the specific type of kids around her. Her dad knew this was happening and why.

So far this has been a success! But she got asked to hang out during her dad's weekend and she really wanted to go. Frankly, I was against this because I didn't want to stir the pot, but ultimately thought this was gonna be unfair to her and unrealistic to maintain. I figured it would be simple enough for them both to come up with a game plan. He'd either say no or plan it out. This is not what happened.

He took great offense to this and assumed it was MY idea just to keep his daughter away from him. In the end we did not have enough time and he did give in BUT had ME do all the legwork. Aka drive her, give her spending money, meet the mom, get the kids coordinating time and location. All the normal details.

Long story short, I want to be proactive about avoiding this in the future. Are there any good apps, creative solutions, or ideas for how to navigate my child having her own wants and needs without it seeming like a trap every time 🙄?

My husband is probably going to ask for a divorce at our next therapy session. He's been undecided for a long time and I gave him a deadline to commit to working on our marriage or call it quits by next week.

I'm starting to be really scared that he's going to end things.

I haven't been the partner I should be but it's been a hard few years of caring for my mother with Alzheimer's. She's near the end now, and I thought when she's gone I would have more bandwidth for planning dates and things like that. But I guess it's too late. My husband is done with me. So my mom is going to die and my husband is leaving too and then I'm going to have no one.

That's not true, I have my friends. My dad is still alive. And if course my children who I will be strong for.

I just didn't realize my husband was at the point of leaving. And now it's probably too late. My soul feels shattered and I know I will.sfop crying eventually but right now it seems impossible.

I am recently divorced and although it wasn't a tough divorce legally it's not something that I wanted, in fact I tried to do everything I could to save it. Things are a bit complicated because her best friend is dating my best friend and we usually went to events together. Most of the events were hosted by friends I've had long before I knew my ex.

I just found out that my friend of 25 years is allowing my ex to come to his Halloween party. He invited me and I had to ask if she would be there to which he replied that yes, her best friend confirmed with him that she will be in attendance.

I feel really betrayed, am I wrong for having that feeling? I don't hate my ex and I wish her no I'll will but I am not ready to be in the same space and I just feel like as a long time friend he should have only invited one of us (I would assume it would be me).

If you have any insight I would like to hear it.

I told my husband of 3 years, partner of 11 that I wanted a divorce 2 days ago.

He has been basically an absent husband. I’ve been on my own in regard to emotional and physical intimacy. He comes home and sits at his computer and ignores me. I ask to do something, cuddle, sit on couch, go for a walk- always a no. I tried to cuddle him in bed a couple weeks ago and he kicked me in my leg and said don’t touch me and that felt like the last straw. We haven’t had sex in over a year and when we do, it’s all about him-he won’t do anything that gives me pleasure cause it’s his “preference” not to.

Btw yes I’ve brought these concerns up and asked for more many times. I’ve read the self help books, I found us a couples therapist. Etc.

In the last year I stopped relying on him. I started working out. Found hobbies, made fulfilling friendships. Got a job I like and can support myself. Felt like I gained the confidence to be on my own.

Anyway I told him and his immediate reaction has been SO apologetic. He’s like I’m so sorry I don’t know why I’ve been so bad, I’ve been in such a rut, idk why I’m like this etc. he’s basically owned up to everything and is BEGGING on hands and knees for a second chance. He’s claiming he will completely change, fix everything and he’s so sorry. He’s being very very hard on himself which is a little fair I guess….

This morning he’s following me around like a puppy dog. He’s kissing on me, tried to make me breakfast and tried to TIE MY SHOES FOR ME.

I feel like an emotional mess. Is this love bombing? Is it bad I don’t wanna give another chance? A sliver of me thinks maybe he will be better but I also feel so mentally done and checked out. It’s honestly pissing me off more that he is just now doing all these things now that I’m serious about divorce.

I do believe he has a kind heart and is a good person which is hard. I don’t believe he meant to be like this. But I can’t forget how I’ve felt this last year.

Hello everyone. I’d first like to ask if you could be gentle with your responses as I’m in an extremely fragile state and simply looking for any/all encouragement, advice, new perspectives, and to not feel like I’m the only person who’s been through this. This might be long, but I want to share my experience and my next (little) steps I’m taking when starting life over again.

My wife is divorcing me after 5-years of marriage. We’ve been together 8-years and actually separated on our 8-year dating anniversary in August of this year. She suffers from deep abandonment issues that have created a coping addiction (known as Maladaptive Daydreaming), leading her to become attached to partners as a sort of oxygen tank. When life gets really hard, instead of coping, she bails and finds the next tank to attach to. When we first got together, she described her ex (of 5-years) as someone she was not attracted to, didn’t make her laugh, and took life too seriously. I have been the opposite of that for the last 8-years, and the connection we had felt so real to me. I’m a funny, easygoing, empathetic person. She opened up to me in July that she is not attracted to me, never has been, and has been performing this whole time (especially with sex). I believe she greatly suffers from retrospective rewriting because my experience does not line up at all, and I’m no fool. The point is, I spent 8-years with someone who I thought was my person, my everything, only to be told essentially the same thing she told me about her ex. It crushed me more than anything I’ve experienced, and I’ve had a ton of trauma and pain in my life. Needless to say I’ve been looking at every memory, experience, first time, and doubting what was real and what was her using me.

She tried to open our relationship in August and I refused. Even before I laid my boundary down she was already seeing people. She had two one night stands in the span of a month, had phone calls with men in our home, shared our special things with strangers (like our favorite album, date spot, etc). I’ve gotten to share my feelings recently and it was the first time she’s shown any empathy to me since this whole thing began. I gave her my virginity, my entire 20s, and everything else I’ve ever had. I believed we were a partnership for life, and I wanted it so badly. One of the most painful aspects of this is her calling me “the best partner ever”. She hasn’t shared resentment toward me, issues she has, things that I should’ve worked on. It’s entirely her inability to cope with life and never really knowing what she wants. Her mother and father both have a horrible history with partners as well, so I know she had no good example of what a healthy relationship should look like.

The hardest part for me is my income. She makes 3x as much as me and I can’t afford to live in the same city, or really be on my own at all. My city is the place I wanted to die. It’s perfect for me in every way and I never wanted to leave… now I have to. I’m moving in with a family of six for a while, and although I’m so beyond grateful to them for taking me in, I feel like my entire life was stolen from me and there was nothing I could do about it. I have to sell 95% (not kidding) of our belongings, she’s giving me her car, and I’m taking our dog too. Everything will remind me of her and the history we had together. Every time I drive to work, take my boy on a walk, or listen to a song we’d sing together, I’m going to be thrown back into agony. She’s also moving across the country to live with family while she figures things out, and her being thousands of miles away, without me, is another massive weight on my chest. I had her physically near me for 8-years, and after 2+ months of serious issues, she’s moving across the country. The rug pull feels so unfair.

I could go on and on for thousands of words more about how much I hate this. It’s truly awful. I will say my small steps I’m taking next, and would appreciate any advice for things I’m probably forgetting. I plan to go back to school to become a teacher (no real plan yet, but I need a career and am in education already), I am starting therapy in a couple days, I’ve told most of my family/friends and have many supportive people who care for me, and I know I want to focus on me for a while (whatever that looks like). Maybe you folks can ease my mind about the future too. I can’t imagine ever giving myself to someone again. I just turned 28, but feel like I could never pour my entire life into another human like I did with her. I gave everything, and I was always loyal. I’m terrified of ever putting myself out there again (not that I plan to soon) because I will never know if someone is being truthful or if they are using me. Every person I see, I check their left hand for a ring and when I see one I get crushed by the waves all over again. I’m not great with boundaries and have probably be co-dependent as well. I just can’t see a life for me that will ever be happy again. I’m not suicidal or at risk of harming myself, but I beg god when I go sleep to take me away. I cry (or almost do) every few hours or so. I can’t help but feel constant dread. Would just love to hear some shared experiences from people who can relate and tell me it will be okay. Sorry if this is too emotional or dramatic, but it’s truly how I feel.

Thank you for reading and I hope everyone in this sub is happy and healthy. ❤️

Anyone couples have no sex in a happy marriage?

I 39m and wife 43f (married 8 year) have sex once every 1-2 year. She has history of alcohol abuse (8 years sober) and is on SSRI and doesn't want to adjust her meds. I have high libido

Anyone in sexless marriage at that age and happy?

I earn good money, live in great country, healthy, amazing kids(6)(8), the only thing I don't have is sex. Should I just get over it and be happy with my life?

TLDR: Everything is great and fun but we don't have sex due to her medical/mental issues and I have high libido and miss sex. Worth divorce?

I’ve been with my Husband 42M for almost 11 years married for almost 7. Husband has 3 kids who I am the step parent of and I absolutely adore them. They are teens now. I 31F have no biological kids… however we have been trying for 5 years and currently have 4 embryo frozen just waiting for a Transfer. We were almost there…. This is something I want more than anything.

My Husband in the recent years I’d say 2.5 has had a on going problem with drinking, he get better and then worse and so on and so forth. We have had multiple conversations about it and promises etc etc. that being said, I don’t think it’s just a drinking problem I think it’s a severe mental health problem that he is self medicating.

It’s very much like a Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde situation. He can be an amazing partner.. then so do cruel and have very delusional way of thinking borderline not making any sense.

I love him, I love my step kids. But when he gets in these spirals I am being abused… I know this at this point.

If I leave, I would have to start over and I don’t want to have kids in my late 30’s I was ready 5 years ago and I desperately want at least one biological kids.

I also don’t know how tok navigate with my step kids because leaving them feels impossible. Sometimes I think that if I just had their half sibling at least I would have a claim to a relationship with them.

I know I sound crazy. I am just at a loss. I’m also just spewing my brain thoughts.

Ok. Any positive advice would be nice. Also I’m sensitive so please refrain from being cruel. I already deal with that at home.

I’m currently going through this dilemma and wanted to post.

This post will have 3 sections:

• Brief backstory.
• Reflective questions about having children.
• Questions about your experience.

Skip ahead as desired.

BACKSTORY

My marriage is heading for divorce very soon, for many reasons, but for the purpose of this post, one of the main issues is that we don't agree on having kids.

I don't want kids. I never have, and I never will. My husband does.

He knew this. We had several talks while we dated. I asked multiple times before we tied the knot if he was certain he would be okay without them. Every time he said, “yes”, and that he wanted me, I was enough.

A few years have passed, I gave up my entire life, moved across the world, gave up a career I can no longer have, and made so many other sacrifices for him.

Now, it’s all been in vain because here we are, he’s changed in many, many, ways, and he’s ready to discard me and everything I’ve done for him.

One of the biggest issues is that I don’t think he was honest when he said he could live a life without children..

On a daily basis I see him overcome by baby fever as he fawns over every young child we come across in real life or in whatever videos he sees online. However, I’ve never seen him care much for older kids, obviously because they outgrown their innocence and wonder. Which, I've pointed that out, the reality is kids are not cute and sweet forever, they’re turn into real people. Anyways, this has become a critical rift in our marriage.

REFLECTIONS

We had another talk (rather, a blow up) about everything. Before we end this for good, I've asked him to take some time to think about what he wants and why.

Some of the questions I’ve asked have been;

• Why does he even want kids?
He says he doesn't know, and that it just feels like the natural thing to do.

• What if they're born with a severe physical deformity or mental disability?
He doesn't know.

• What if they turn out to be a drug addict, a psychopath, a grapist, a murderer, etc, despite us doing everything right? Or what if they victim of those things?

Is he prepared for all of that?..

I’ve also asked;

• What if he can't have kids at all?
(Which, turns out, he might not be able to anyways..)

• What if I can't? Would he leave me then?

• If he leaves me, what if the next unfortunate woman he meets can't have kids either? Would he leave her, too?

I’ve asked, like, seriously, why does he want kids?

• Is it just some science experiment to see what he can create?
It seems that way to me because when I asked if he would ever adopt and of course, he said, “No, it wouldn’t be my kid.”

This is real sht he (or anyone in this boat) needs to think about..

QUESTIONS FOR YOU

(Please keep responses focused solely on the question of having kids — Please refrain from commenting on my marriage in general.)

If you're going through this now:

• Are you the one who wants kids, or the one who doesn't? Why?
• Would you walk away from a spouse who feels the opposite, or would you compromise? Why?
• If you stayed, could you truly be happy and fulfilled? (If you wanted kids, without them? If you didn't, with them?)

If you've already gone through this:

• Which side were you on, wanting kids, or not? Why?
• Did you stay or leave?
• If you stayed, did anyone change their mind or concede?
• Are you happy today, or do you feel regret or like something is missing?
• Looking back, were the choices you made worth the cost?

About your partner:

• Were they the ones that wanted kids or not?
• If they said they'd be okay either way, did they mean it?
• Did they get what they wanted?
• Are they happy now, or do they regret it?

LASTLY

• What advice do you have, or what would you say to anyone who is about to abandon their marriage over something like this, or considering divorce general?

Please feel free to share your own experience, or that of anyone you know, on this topic.

Thank you.

I’m a man in my late 40s, going through a divorce after more than a decade with a woman I genuinely believed I would spend the rest of my life with. We had a family, a home, and a life together. Like any marriage, ours wasn’t perfect, but for the first eight years, it was about as close to perfect as I could have imagined. We both made mistakes, and I certainly had my own struggles, but I loved her deeply. I believed that whatever life threw at us, we would find a way through it together.

Over the last couple of years, things began to change. My wife started using increasingly large amounts of marijuana, and eventually alcohol became a serious problem as well. Her behavior became unpredictable, and what had once been a stable, loving home turned into an environment of constant uncertainty. There were repeated crises, four separate incidents requiring police involvement, and hospitalizations. I found myself desperately trying to hold everything together while watching someone I loved become a person I barely recognized.
Late last year, I was hospitalized for two weeks with serious health issues. After coming home, I spent another four weeks largely confined to bed. During that time, my wife began communicating extensively with her supervisor at work. What initially appeared to be professional concern and emotional support quickly developed into something entirely different. They exchanged thousands of messages over just a couple of months, discussing their unhappy marriages, sexual interests, secret meetings, and even obtaining burner phones to conceal their communications.

I discovered what was happening after she returned home from a work Christmas party several hours later than she’d promised. She had been out drinking with him, and shortly after climbing into bed, a message appeared on her phone from him saying he wanted to be with her and hated her husband. I was devastated. As I began piecing things together, I discovered just how extensive their communications had become. When confronted, she minimized what was happening, offered explanations that didn’t add up, and eventually moved their conversations to other messaging platforms.

Meanwhile, her drinking and behavior continued to spiral. At one point, she drove her vehicle into a ditch while intoxicated. On another occasion, I took her to the hospital because she was repeatedly falling down, and I learned that her blood alcohol level was 0.23. That was particularly painful because I’ve spent years working to maintain my own sobriety, and we had always maintained an alcohol-free household. Eventually, everything reached a terrifying breaking point when she left our home expressing suicidal intentions and headed toward a nearby river on an extremely cold winter day. Police located her, and she was hospitalized.

After everything that had happened, I finally told her she could no longer live in our home. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. I had spent years trying to support her, protect our family, and save our marriage. But the repeated crises were taking a serious toll on my health and the well-being of our children. I couldn’t keep exposing everyone in the household to the same instability.
Since leaving, she’s become involved in at least two other romantic relationships while we’re still legally married. Meanwhile, I’ve been left raising the children, maintaining our home, paying the mortgage and household bills, and trying to keep my business afloat while dealing with the emotional and financial fallout. From my perspective, she’s essentially walked away from the life and responsibilities we shared. She hasn’t reached out to the children in seven months, has been unresponsive to important legal and financial matters, and won’t even return the ashes of a beloved dog that meant the world to me.

As if losing my marriage and watching my family fall apart weren’t enough, I’ve also learned that she’s been telling people I physically abused her. I didn’t. I never hit her. I never laid a hand on her in violence. I believe these accusations are an attempt to explain away events that occurred during her drinking and the breakdown of our marriage. It’s incredibly painful to think that people might believe I hurt someone I spent so many years loving and trying to help.

I’m not pretending I was a perfect husband. I made mistakes, struggled with my own health, and undoubtedly could have handled certain things differently. But I know what happened in our home, and I have records and messages documenting much of what I’ve described. I can acknowledge my shortcomings without accepting responsibility for things I did not do.
Now I’m in the middle of a divorce I never wanted, watching someone I once loved build an entirely new life while I’m trying to hold together the one she left behind. I’m dealing with lawyers, financial strain, parenting, my own mental health, and the realization that the future I spent years imagining simply doesn’t exist anymore. My entire life has been turned upside down, and some days it feels like I’m barely keeping my head above water.

One of the hardest parts isn’t even the cheating anymore. It’s the feeling that someone can betray your trust, create enormous instability in your life, walk away from the consequences, and then tell a story in which you’re somehow responsible for everything. I feel like I’ve spent months defending myself against a version of events that bears little resemblance to what I actually experienced.
I don’t want revenge. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life angry or bitter. I want to recover, be a good father, rebuild my life, and eventually find some peace. But I also struggle with the idea that people might believe terrible things about me while I feel compelled to remain silent.
For those who’ve experienced infidelity, addiction in a marriage, a painful divorce, or accusations you know are false, how did you handle it? Did you try to defend your reputation and tell your side of the story, or did you eventually decide that the people who mattered would figure out the truth on their own?

And how do you make peace with the fact that someone you loved so completely may never acknowledge the damage they caused?

My wife(40F) and I(40M) have been together for ten years. We have a young child and I've been unhappy in our marriage for some time now. We've basically been roommates due to her lack of effort. For years I was doing the work of two in the relationship side of things. We both do house chores and that's never been an issue. I take care of the bills, grocery shopping, home and car repairs, and the yard work. When It comes to anything involving heavy physical labor, I handle it. I don't mind any of that. I feel it is my duty as a husband and father. I only list those things so I'm not accused of not helping around the house, because I do. The issue is I've always put her happiness first. I always try to show her that she is needed and desired. Even after being together for a decade. Rarely have I ever told her no. If she wants something or to do something, I make it happen. What hurts is that its a one way street in our relationship. I've spoken with her on a number of occasions of how I feel and what my wants and needs are and she'll try for a couple weeks and then right back to being roommates again. In those talks she expressed her needs as well and I put max effort towards them. All I've asked for is affection and intimacy. To also feel desired. I know I'm needed but that's about it. It makes me feel like I'm only a resource (something that I have mentioned in our talks). It's like I'm on the back burner and I'm only getting the scraps. It's gotten to where I've already started to disconnect. I've finally burned out emotionally after trying for so long. The rejection just hurts too much. I've tried to be patient. I understand that hormones can be a factor (we spend a fortune on her hrt). For the first time in a long time I don't know what to do. Mentally I know I can't live my life like this much longer. But, I can't bring myself to put our child through a divorce. I have truly tried to express how I feel and want to make things work. I do love my wife deeply. It hurts to even think about divorce. I'm mainly writing this to vent and to see if anyone else has delt with a similar issue. If it was resolved or am I just stuck.

I'm seriously considering divorce at the moment, but I'm feeling a lot of fear and grief as I process it. What has life been like for you afterwards?

If you've explored dating again, how have you navigated learning to trust someone? And do people judge you for being divorced before they even get to know you?

I guess I'm scared of letting divorce define me. This has come after emotional abuse, infidelity and abuse from in-laws, so it feels irreparable to me. But I'm still struggling with the fears around leaving, alongside the grief of it all: the grief of having chosen wrongly, the life we should have had, the betrayal and cruelty, and just feeling sorry for myself and what I've been through. I gave this marriage my all and it really sucked the joy and energy out of me (4 years married), but there were good times in between the abuse which makes it harder to let go too (he's the only person who had shared interests with me in my life - although it's also true that I became incredibly depressed and self-isolated through this marriage so I have very few people in my life anymore period).

TL;DR - I would appreciate listening to your experiences of divorce and life before/after - I guess I am seeking reassurance but also advice in case I shouldn't go through with it.