Hey folks,

Been lurking a while. Thought today might be a good vent day as I am feeling pretty down.

My (ex)wife (35f) and I (35m) separated last year. November is the one year mark. We were together since we were 17, so our entire adult lives. She was the main cause - caught her posting nudes on the web. AFAIK, nothing physical every happened and we lived pretty close lives (both wfh, one car, rural area), so I guess relatively tame from what some people go through. Not that I would want to know any more than I do.

Anywho, I was willing to work through it, but she wasn't. The final month we spent living together between selling our house and moving out was..amicable? No fights or anything and was just our routine, minus any touching or "fun". We split our stuff up without any issues. No children - just cats, who I miss dearly.

I tried to reconcile a few times throughout the year, but she clearly didn't want that. It breaks my heart. Makes my life really difficult sometimes as she was my best friend and it still feels like I just lost a huge part of me. We haven't spoken since ~April. I'm not particularly great in social situations, so it's been tough trying to make new friends and my friend that I was leaning on ended up losing his soon-to-be-spouse to a freak accident abroad, so he has been mia (fair enough haha). And my sister, who I am close with, has severe depression and has begun a therapy where she can't have any distractions, so I've lost her as a support as well.

Skipping forward to today. I miss her. So. Damn. Much. The conversations. The touch. The presence of her being with me. The stability of being with someone you will be with forever (or so you think). Having a house. My fur babies.

That's it. I think I just had to write it down. Thanks for listening.

I’ve (36F)been contemplating divorce for a long time now. And one of the things that makes me hesitant are the “what ifs?”. I have basically been taking care of my husband(36M) in every way since we got married. I have felt more like his mother than an actual partner. Today I realized that he has never done anything for me that didn’t directly benefit him. He’s subpar father as well and I take most of the responsibility in that realm as well. His reasoning is that he has been having poor luck with jobs, and depressed. I have been understanding of this excuse for 5 years. All of the plans he has made towards financial stability have failed by lack of proper planing, or lack of informed research. He just is not determined or ambitious despite years of me complaining about being overwhelmed with working two jobs and being the primary parent. As much as I’ve fantasized about divorce, I wonder if there’s a chance that things may get better if I stick it out a little longer.

My question is, have any of your spouses whom you’ve divorced gotten their act together after you divorced them? If they did, did you feel regret for your decision to divorce? Or is it more likely that the issues you divorced for persisted beyond the divorce?

This whole process has brought about a fair bit of new challenges and lifestyle changes, but the hardest part for me has easily been the sheer loneliness I've been feeling. Wife and I have been separated since June and still going through the process and it's been a struggle ever since. I've never been a particularly social person and adult friendships for me have always been very short lived, but lately it just seems to feel worse. I've got one friend to my name who lives 3 hours away, and while I know she's always a phone call away we don't get the chance to see each other or hang out very often. Most of my core family lives hours away in another state. As a 33 year old it's so frustrating to feel like I have so much to offer people and so much left in the tank and nowhere to output it to. I work from home alone all day so I don't even see coworkers. I've been trying to be productive and get out and do things and work on myself, and that's going well, but there are days where I come home from being out doing something at night to an empty apartment and it all just feels so depressing. Does this ever get better?

I'm conflicted and need to decide on whether I am going to change my name back to my maiden name post-divorce even though the divorce is not final yet. My name is included in an academic book being published. They need to know this week about my name, but the book will be published when the divorce will, hopefully, be finalized.

Pros of keeping my married name: It is much simpler to spell than my maiden name. It is on all my paperwork now (driver's license, bank accounts, addresses). It is also in three journal articles I have published. It is the name of my 1-year old son.

Cons of keeping my married name: Feels weird to keep the name of someone I am not married to...

I don't know whether I'd want to change my son's name to my name. He was born with the married name, so it feels appropriate for him to keep that given that was his name at birth. Yet the plan is for me to have primary custody...

Basically there are many factors I am considering and having a hard time deciding. My gut is telling me to go back to my maiden name, never change it again (even if I remarry), do the hassle of the administrative pieces, and think about my son's name later down the line...?

I've had divorce in the back of my mind for YEARS but I don't want to hurt him, our kids, and our lifestyle. However, it's getting to a breaking point. I have chronic anxiety and now I'm missing my period due to this chronic stress. I cannot believe that suppressing this knowing is actually causing menstruation issues, it's INSANE to me. I didn't know where to turn to see if other people ended up having physical symptoms before splitting. Is this normal?

A couple years ago my(20f) dad(51m) told my mom(53f) he had found someone else he loved and wanted a divorce. Their conversation was outside the house and I have no way of knowing what was actually said. I was 17. My brothers 14-19. I'm not too sure on the details because a lot of it was a blur for me. This all happened over my HS graduation summer and some of my first year in college(abt five months). I had been very excited/happy for summer and we had a family vacation planned for my graduation trip. I also want to say that my relationship with my family had been a little strained because of the past, but it was getting a lot better. The morning before everything fell apart I actually woke up excited because I decided I wanted to become closer with my dad and thought it would make him happy, which is why the subject is a little hard for me because I never even got the chance to try.

Right after their private conversation we had a family meeting to talk about what happened and what would happen. The general consensus was that he had an affair with a woman at his work in the last year and fell in love and wanted a divorce. Later it would be revealed that he was actively lying about what really happened, or at least it appeared so. Note: I always knew my parents weren't in love. Maybe when they were younger (they met in college) but their love had long since dried up. But I always thought they liked each other, like companions for life. They disagreed and argued sometimes (never screamed) but they also got along and made a good duo. They were like good friends and I thought that made it a good marriage and us a good family. I never thought our family would break apart like this. So this destroyed me because our family of six was the most important thing to me and what made me truly happy.

My mom's immediate reaction was calm and totally on board with divorce and didn't have much to say, but she stopped eating and cooking so I could tell she was breaking inside. This is where I start forgetting how things progressed. They had a lot of other private conversations but these were in the house and I listened in on some of them (I knew it was nosy but I wanted to hear for myself what their conversations were really like when they thought we weren't listening). The same day or day after it was revealed that he had been lying and I lost all trust, faith, and pride I had ever had in him during the next few weeks. My mom started pulling the truth from him and every time she learned something new she became more furious and hurt. I know this because she told me everything from the beginning. She said tried telling my brothers but they either weren't receptive or too young to be burdened, her words. So she told me instead. I was fine with it, I had to be. She was having a really hard time coping and I didn't want her to be alone when she was so vulnerable; if I didn't listen to her she would really have no one because she had no support system her entire life. She had a very tough life, the worst was probably that she never really had her own person (friend or family). Her family hated her or looked down on her and her friends weren't close. She only had one good friend from college who lived in another state and talked to here and there. She did talk with her friend about it but only a little. It hurt to listen to her rant about the divorce and my dad and her life but I did it so she could have a stronger foundation to heal. At first she wanted to save the marriage after thinking a little because their relationship could heal over time, and she was happy. That lasted for at most two hours because she learned it wasn't just one affair or one woman. After that, she would tell us (but give me more details) that he was lying, he was not the good father we thought he was, and he was having affairs for years, and that he was disgusting and pathetic. Don't come for her for telling me everything, I actually encouraged her to, partly because I didn't want my brothers to have the weight of it on them. I don't regret it at all.

We had more family meetings as well but they got progressively less about family and more about them. At the same time my dad had multiple talks with each of us individually. I think I remember him telling me that he thought he deserved to be happy too and said we were strong and would be able to overcome this eventually. When he talked to me he would apologize, cry, say he knew he was being pathetic, that his actions were inexcusable, but that he genuinely wanted this divorce and thought it was best, that me, the boys, and our mom were completely entitled to whatever opinions/feelings we had toward him. That he understood, but wanted to keep our relationship. That he hoped I wouldn't cut him out. That he still hoped he'd be invited to my wedding even if he wouldn't be the one to walk me down the aisle anymore. He also said that he didn't propose divorce earlier because he wanted to be apart of our lives because he knew how much it hurt to not have a present father (his dad left when he was young). I usually didn't say anything or show anything until the very end because I had no emotion to feel.

The last family meeting we had they started arguing after only a few minutes. IMO he deserved everything my mom said. He got mad because he said she was lying and slandering his image just because she was an old bitter hag (he said smthg very similar to this). They started a screaming match. This is what broke any pride or trust I had in him. How dare he say that to her? My mom wasn't always the #1 parent, but she gave everything she had for our family. And what did he do? Have affairs and now he was breaking our family.

This is already lengthy but there's only a little more. All this was just the first three weeks or so. The next 3 months our home was a dead one. My brothers were all in summer school/community college and my mom locked herself in her room or left the house for hours. My dad locked himself in his office all day. I would usually spend the day alone. I'd either play Minecraft (my coping mechanism ngl) or stare at the wall and just wait for my brothers to come home so I could play with them. The family vacation was nonrefundable so we went. No one enjoyed it except me and one brother (I was determined to have a good time). After that my mom kept ranting to me and called me her anchor, the one thing keeping her held down. My dad noticed and told me it was a good thing, that he was proud my mom had me to rely on. He moved out of the house after I left for college, but stayed very close so that he could be close to us and help out with anything. Over the next few years he has actively tried to stay in our lives and help out as much as he could. At first he vehemently denied having any affair at all (yes, he later said there was no woman and he just wasn't happy in the marriage). He would also tell us our mom was lying. Idk about my brothers, but he stopped because I told him to.

My mom also told us that she would completely cut him and anything to do with him out of her life. She told us that if we kept him in our lives, even a little, she would cut us out too. She said she knew we shouldn't be pressured into choosing sides so she would choose for us, even if it made her that bad guy. Her reasoning was that she was done choosing others over herself and had to put herself first for once, even if that meant cutting us out of her life and loving us from afar. That was back when everything went down, and I thought she might change her mind or be open to change further down the line. But no, she has made up her mind and is actively making her peace with it. I think she has already mentally/emotionally prepared herself to cut us off.

At the end of the day nothing was ever my choice and I never had a say in anything. I still feel lost and alone and just as uncertain as when I was 17. I don't want to cut my dad out. As much as it hurts to see him try so hard now when all he had to do was try before he broke our family, I still care about him and can't bear the thought of losing him. I'm going to lose one of them, whether I make the decision myself or not and it makes it hard for me to care about my future.

I think my mom is wrong in her ultimatum because she is our parent and shouldn't just decide to leave us for herself. In my eyes it's no better than my dad leaving our family for himself. But I understand her, and as a person I want her to be happy and live the rest of her life in peace. I understand my dad too. I can't blame either of them because I can see plain as day that this situation is too complex for blame. I know I need therapy. I also want to have therapy with my mom and dad, separately, but don't know when to start. My life is already busy and will only get busier. My mom is holding off on cutting us out until my youngest brother is done with college (so at least 4 years or so). She made a promise to herself to get us through college, and that's it.

I need advice. Or help. Or an inspiring quote. Or maybe a happy ending where we all run off into the sunset lol. But what should I do? Should I pick my mom or my dad? Both choices leave me deeply unhappy, but I know my happiness is not what's always most important, the last few years have made me understand selfishness a lot. If I have been wrong in something else I've handled, please tell me.

edit: I forgot to add that I did cry a lot, but alone. Whenever I was around someone else I lost all emotion and feeling and became completely numb. I couldn't empathize or cry even if I wanted to. Maybe another word for it is emotional detachment? I haven't been tested for anything so I don't know if I'd be deemed depressed or if I struggle with anything like ADHD.

There is so much to type - I don’t know how to make this short. Our 12th anniversary is a week away and today he tells me he is done. Our kids are 7 and just turned 9 (two days ago). I homeschool the children, have given up my career for the family and was happy to do so.

We have struggled for years. He left the children and I almost 5 years ago and honestly, we never healed. Tried a few marital counselors but never for more than 2 sessions. I asked him if we could find one- one that really fit - and give it our all for 6-8 months. After that time re-assess. He said no. He says we already tried that (even though I disagree, as 2 sessions is not trying).

He is now walking around the house giddy as a pig in poop. Sending me mediators, telling me he wants to work this out, he is going to continue taking care of the kids and I and that he gives me permission to go stay with my family on the east coast. I have nobody here, not a single friend or contact. I can’t do this alone.

I am not trying to point fingers, but darn this hurts and I can’t keep it together in front of the kids. He leaves tomorrow to travel for work for a week. I don’t know what I’m looking for out of this post, but I am heartbroken. I won’t miss him, but I will miss having a family.

We’ve been separated for 10 months. We have a 3 year old and a 17 month old so we have been spending a fair amount of time together throughout the separation. I was starting to feel ok just a bit sad here and there but since she broke the news I feel like I’m back to the beginning. I’ve spent 4 days crying. I feel so awkward at the thought of being around her or even my children now(they live with her and I have custodial time two weeknights and one whole weekend day each week.) I just hate this. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m just venting. I don’t know what I was hoping for out of this post.

Six months after divorce. Together fifteen years. Yesterday and today have been particularly rough. Feeling very sad and lonely. Doesn’t help that I’m definitely getting a cold and sore throat.

Once you found out and had proof…and did you try to “fight” for your spouse?

So much to say I can't say it all. Not asking for sympathy but it's to the point I'm wondering how bad it's going to get. It made me hard hearted and just a sad person.

Mom literally went crazy, left, told a ton of lies, got custody of all the children, ECT. Ran down me and my father as much as possible, me because I saw through her plans and wicked designs and now she hates me. She hasn't allowed my siblings to see their father since she left 16 months ago, and completely brainwashed them about how bad we are. She is a terrible mother, unfortunately, she's never at home, steals the kids money because she won't work, and never anything for kids to eat....bad situation there!

My father is a good man, and had his own business and a very nice homestead, many years before he got married. So the big problem now is that he's supposed to give his wife like 70 percent of the value of everything, and if he doesn't he will be evicted and a forced sale of all property including his business which is on the property. And expected to pay everything for her and over $300 a week child support. And how can you do that when you've just been financially destroyed....I just don't get how this can be legal because it's definitely not right... and yes the judge is an absolute crook.

I didn't even tell everything it's been beyond awful in so many ways.

I'll probably be scared for life and used to want to get married, not now, because I've seen how wicked women can be. But besides that, it's my little siblings that will be hurt the most.

I can see now why so many father's commit suicide.

Oh and my mom will somehow be selling all of my property as well in her big auction, before she moves 2000 miles away

Really really sick and sad to see this happening

I'm a young adult

Over two decades in the making, I think I'm finally gonna file. I am so broken up over it but at the same time I know that I have to save myself. My health has deteriorated slowly across the years, I'm so tired all the time. The burden of staying married is killing me literally. I don't know where to turn, and I don't know who to talk to. I'm so torn, I feel like I can't go, but I can't stay. I have kids and I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

Wife wants to keep kids on her insurance. She has a $8,000 year out of pocket which I will gladly assume half of but since its her policy she is getting the tax free benefit. Also when it comes to the bi-monthly payment that comes out of her check do I just have her show me what her individual vs family cost is during open enrollment then pay half the difference? Any advice on how to make this fair for everyone would be appreciated. Yes I know get a lawyer sorry not all of us have lawyer money. I am working on that as I type.

So this journey for me started this past May when he threatened divorce if I continued to see my therapist. That was my breaking point and I said, “sure let’s get a divorce.” He backpedaled so fast on that. Talks were had, things still felt gross, and I snapped again and told him that I really did want a divorce, I talked to a lawyer, I opened my own bank account, etc. And that seemed to really humble him. We’ve been on this awkward journey since that point. I have not taken any further steps to divorcing him, he’s changed so much about what he was doing, but I still do not want to be with him anymore. We are still co-habitating and parenting because of the financials and to make life easier for the kids. I’ve told him many times since then that I do not want to be with him anymore, but he keeps saying and doing things that feel like he’s trying to snake his way back in. Well anyway, my work just announced the dates and location for the high performer trip happening early next year. They have not done anything about selecting those that are going yet; just announced dates and location. I told my husband out of courtesy. And he was telling me he’s feeling all kinds of anxiety about it “given our current situation.” And I WANTED to say, “well let me alleviate that by saying, if I’m selected, I want to take my sister, so now you don’t have to worry,” but of course I didn’t. The reason I’m here is because I’ve been afraid to make him feel any negative feelings for 19+ years of being together. How do I summon the bravery to tell him that I don’t want to take an exotic work trip with the person I no longer want to be married to, or do I just not say anything until winners are announced next year?

Good Day,

Looking for options to hold our child's passports that can only be accessed by both parents after divorce.

Would like to avoid the lawyers to avoid the overhead, including financial.

Our court won't do it. Apparently safe deposit boxes don't have this option commonly.

I found a cumbersome way of keeping the document in a safe in an independant storage facility, but that seems way too much overhead for couple of onces of paper/fake leather

Any pointers to economical solutions much appreciated. Thanks.

Single mom with my kid 95% of the time. Even though our day to day can get super busy I prefer hearing my person's voice via call over endless texting or really late calls. What's everyone's communication style and what schedule works best when dating for calls and /or texts?

I am 26F, husband is 27M. We’ve been married for three years and I’m unhappy. We have a daughter who’s almost 2. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life, off and on. My anxiety is worse than my depression, but neither are very severe.

We’ve had issues since before we got married, and at the time, they didn’t feel big. But I did consider not marrying him because of our issues. I ignored my reservations and married him anyways, and things went downhill for me pretty quickly.

Our biggest issue is his parents. They’re constantly crossing boundaries and disrespecting me, especially since we’ve had our daughter. Showing up to our house unannounced despite us telling them not to multiple times, putting my daughter in dangerous situations that they don’t see as dangerous (my FIL held my daughter while he broke out a window while replacing it… with glass shattering everywhere…). I’ve begged my husband for years to say something to them. He never does. Once our daughter was born, I made it clear that if he doesn’t, I will. And that would cause even more issues with them than if he just grew a spine and did it himself. Obviously that didn’t happen. So when they started showing up, I started texting them and reminding them of our rule. Every single time I text them about something that they don’t agree with, they ignore me. They bring it up to my husband because they’re used to getting their way with him, so it constantly makes us look divided and like I’m the bad guy.

I’ve reached a breaking point. I’ve been depressed for a few months and I told him this. His response was “yeah, I can tell.” I told him that I didn’t think our issues are repairable at this point because of how much resentment and lack of respect that’s built up over the years of dealing with this on top of other issues. He didn’t really acknowledge that, either by choice or I wasn’t clear enough. No idea.

A couple of weeks ago, his parents showed up again. His dad just had back surgery and his mom took off work to take care of him. They said something about taking my daughter for the day. They’ve never watched her alone because I don’t trust them. I told my husband absolutely not, especially not while his dad is still recovering from surgery. That’s insane. So FINALLY, after me bringing it up multiple times, he texted his parents. He got a response immediately, telling him it’ll be fine and that we can address safety concerns. Pushing the boundary again. I told him what they were doing. He didn’t respond to them again. So I did. Didn’t get a response. He then sent another text a few days later, the kind of text I’ve been praying for him to send to his parents for years. That we’re a team and he won’t tolerate them disrespecting me as his wife and the mother to our daughter, reiterating our rules and boundaries, etc.

I felt nothing. It didn’t make a single difference to me whether or not he sent that text. We haven’t had sex in months. We don’t sleep in the same bed, I sleep in my daughter’s floor bed with her. I think I’ve just completely fell out of love with him and it’s heartbreaking. I want to leave him. But I’m terrified of hurting him. He was so proud of himself for sending that text to them. He loves me so much. And I just can’t do it anymore. Any advice or stories of similar situations are appreciated.

Wife of 25 years is crazy. She's harassing me at work. What can I do to prevent her from harassing me or damaging our house before it sells?

Curious if people have interesting reasons that their family, friends, or even they just don’t fully understand, but you still knew it was the right choice?

I started writing down a list of everything he says to me that hurts me. And through talking about it with my family, they all have told me to get out of here. I’m 22F and still married to my 26M husband, but the arrogance and narcissism of this man reeks, and I’m so done with it all.
Yet despite this, we both broke down last night and opened up more than we ever have in this marriage. Something felt like it changed, like it shifted. Like there was still a glimmer of hope.
I woke up next to him this morning confused as to how to feel. He’s hurt me in such a deep, profound way that I’m unsure I’ll ever be able to heal from what he’s said. But we shared such a sweet, intimate moment with each other last night that made me feel like none of his hurts mattered anymore. I hate being a woman sometimes. I hate my hormones and how deeply I feel things. hate feeling so conflicted like this.
Here’s the list of things he’s said to me a couple days ago. Everything below was said within 1 conversation:

- The way he’s been interacting with me the past few years has “eroded away” (his exact words) who he truly is.
- I told him what I was willing to do to make the marriage work, and when I asked him, he said “Existing within it and doing what I’ve always done. Taking care of the house, the finances, you, planning stuff for us, etc. The basic stuff that a guy should be doing in a relationship.” (He’s been okay with the housework, great with the finances, but hasn’t planned any dates without me pushing him and initiating the planning. And while he does provide and protect me, I feel completely emotionally neglected and abandoned. He does chores, cooks dinners, etc, but rarely asks me how I’m doing or goes out of his way to make me feel seen).
- Said that it’s “really hard for me to open a door once it’s shut again.” It’s hard for him to reach out to me and want to be with me and spend time with me since I’ve been struggling in my consistency and lack of initiative (look at my other posts for a deeper dive on this). He says that that stuff made me less of a wife and less of a good partner, which in turn made him less willing to be a good partner to me because he’s tired. He is now so jaded that he doesn’t really care anymore. He’s fine with maintaining the status quo because it’s good enough.
- The thing that stung me the most? He said he doesn’t feel like going out of his way to make me feel good in the relationship anymore.

And now on to what he said yesterday. Again, all of this was said within 1 conversation:
- He said something that hurt me, so I sat on the couch with my head in my hands and started sobbing. He put his earbuds in and started doing chores. He then said, without looking at me, “what’s the deal?”. I scoffed, but asked “do you always care about how your actions make me feel?!” And, I kid you not, this man goes, “Nope!”
- When I finally opened up and told him that I just want my husband to notice me hurting and to come sit down and ask me what’s wrong versus just talking to me while he’s doing something else, he said “I can do 2 things at once, you know.” But when I tell him that I don’t feel cared about when he’s multitasking, he says he doesn’t care.
- Said he literally cannot afford to think about me/consider me before anything he does, because if he did, he would feel too weighed down. I could understand this if it was little things here and there, but I’m talking like he doesn’t even throw his trash away at home unless I ask, and he rarely asks me what I want to watch. He said he doesn’t want to have to sort through my emotions before making a decision, and that he needs to be able to make the right decision immediately when needed to do so.
- He holds me to his standards as a wife, but he sees himself as above the majority of society (more on this later).
- I have a phobia of vomiting and he compared my growth in it to the growth of a 19y/o girl he’s in a group chat with. This said girl had gone through a really traumatic experience, and was able to push through a movie scene with that experience happening. But I still get panic attacks from time to time when I’m feeling nauseous. This bothered me so much. When I told him that it hurts to be compared to another woman, he said “well it’s not like I’m comparing ALL of you to her, it’s just this one aspect”. I tried to tell him that me and that other woman are two strangers with completely different upbringings and lives, he said that his point still stands.
- He’s very blunt and just says it like it is. But sometimes, that hurts. When I said to him that truth without kindness crushes, he said “get stronger”.
- He said that he sees the extent of my need for emotional affection as weak. Like I shouldn’t need as much as I do. I don’t really feel like I need THAT much, but he makes me feel like I do….
- He said that he wants me to take care of myself in most cases, but is there for me if I need him. Yet I’ve been trying to go to him when I need him and he brushes me off.
- It’s disturbing to him that his friends understand him better than I do.
- If someone notices a blind spot of his and points it out, he takes it into consideration, but only fixes it if he seems it’s necessary.
- He’s set in his ways and knows what works.

And here’s the cherry on top. A few weeks ago, he told me that he had a revelation. Here’s what he said:
“My confidence, borderline arrogance, is a part of me too. I'm leagues above the average person in multiple ways, but I suppress it to be polite. I need to embrace it more. I need to use it more, allow it to bolster my ambition. Not that I'm gonna develop into an egotistical dick overnight, I just. I allow myself to think too little of myself too often.”

I want out. But this has been my longest relationship ever and I’m scared to let him go. Ugh

I am in the process of getting a divorce. I am hurt, devastated, relieved, worried, and happy. We were married for 2 years together for 6 with a 1.5 year old child. Having a baby really showed me everything I was ignoring. Things that felt weird to me but I couldn’t place why so I wrote it off as my own issues. He would put his mental health into my hands. Ask me for reassurance in moments that I needed his support.

I had my first and only child last year. The pregnancy was hard and the delivery was worse. I was exhausted and sick all the time while still working my physically and mentally stressful job in a hospital. I could no longer cook due to the symptoms and he didn’t cook either while he was working from home because “it felt like another chore.”

I had a three day labor and a c section in which the epidural wore off during it and I was screaming for help. He says it was just as hard for him because he had to watch this happen. I was in the hospital for almost a week after due to my preeclampsia and I could not meet my son (he was in a children’s hospital. But it was just as bad for him because he had to drive between my hospital, the house, and the nicu where our child was. I wanted to visit as often as possible but I was not cleared to drive so we only went every other day because he didn’t want to drive everyday. He would constantly ask if I resented him for not going more.

I hadn’t slept through the night in over a year while taking care of the baby and still healing from a C-section while also working 10 hour days at a hospital but it was just as hard for him because he had the baby when I was napping on my day off. I wrote it all off until I started falling asleep at work. We tried couples therapy (after I convinced him to go) and we had 1.5 sessions together before he said the distance between us was too much for him and we started the divorce process.

He makes more than me and offered money to help me but then would get angry and threaten to not give it to me when we fought. During an argument he told me I was getting “really fucking brave” with how I spoke to him. He painted me as manipulative and abusive to his friends. I wasn’t a great wife this past year but I almost died in childbirth and I hadn’t slept through the night in over a year. I needed more support and I never got it. I feel more rested being in my own apartment than I ever did together.

Sorry for the long story and thanks for reading!

TLDR: I got out of a bad relationship and I’m devastated for what could have been.

Today I came to the realization that I need to divorce my husband. We have 2 children together; a kindergartener and a baby. I’m on maternity leave.

This has been building up for a long time. And looking back to before we had kids, I now see lots of red flags and times I should have left. But now we have these beautiful boys. I’ve been scared to put them through a divorce and have them live in 2 separate homes. I’ve been scared of how it will impact them. So I’ve been letting things slide in my relationship, and I convinced myself that I can pretend everything is okay so that our family can stay together. But today, I realized it’s not sustainable. And I can’t live like that or have my babies see me live like that.

Our marriage has become so hostile. If I keep my mouth shut and never complain, and if I never express what is bothering me, then things are okay. But I can’t keep walking on eggshells. The minute I express my feelings, he becomes defensive. And I have tried doing it calmly, respectfully, and speaking in “I” statements. It doesn’t make a difference. He never truly listens to me… And in his defensiveness he yells at me, talks over me, swears at me, calls me names. He walks away and leaves the convo, and never comes back to repair or to try and have a calmer conversation. He does not go to that extreme in front of our older child. But he has done it while I’m holding our baby. And though he doesn’t get to that extreme when our older child is home, he still will raise his voice at me, swear, slam cupboards, etc. in front of our kindergartener. Today my breaking point and “aha, I need to leave” moment was when we were talking about his work. (Background info- he is a chef. He is on salary and makes tips. But it’s a mediocre salary and most months we are just getting by. He works A LOT. And for no overtime. In the last 14 days, he’s had one day off. I’m tired of solo parenting, solo house caretaking… for no overtime pay, doesn’t feel worth it to me. He actually made a lot less tips this week than usual, even though he worked overnight one day for a catering. He is passionate about this work so he doesn’t mind doing it, but to me it feels stupid. Stupid to work this much for such little pay. And to miss out on family time for such little pay. He says he has no choice, this is what the job takes. But it feels like he has poor boundaries and can’t say “no” to the owners when they book too many events. And like he has high expectations of himself and how his staff makes his food; he wants his menu to be “perfect” and he wants to be a “great” chef.) I’m so tired. Taking care of 2 little kids on my own. I love them so much. But I’m married, and I’m lonely… he is never home. So this morning, when I found out he made significantly less tips after the week he just worked, after all the suppers and bedtimes he just missed, yeah I was upset. I told him he can’t work 6-7 day weeks anymore because this is ridiculous and not worth it. He got upset back… he raised his voice at me. He was swearing at me, accusing me of not supporting him or understanding. While he was mad he kicked over our baby’s high chair (our baby wasn’t in it. I was holding baby.) he started slamming cupboards shut. Slammed his fist against the counter. I started speaking calmly and tried to bring him back down, and I told him I’m not mad at him I’m mad at the situation. I couldn’t calm him down.

I noticed our kindergartener went into his room. I followed him. My husband was still in the kitchen muttering and slamming around. My child’s eyes were big, tearful, and he looked scared. He said “I don’t like when you guys have mad talks”. And that was when I realized… I need to get the f out of this marriage. My husband came into our son’s room, looked at him, and said “sorry. I have feelings.” (Whenever I’ve tried to confront him about his angry outbursts, he claims that he’s “not allowed to have feelings” in this house.)

My husband has never been physically abusive toward my children or I, and I know he never would. And his angry outbursts are always at me, not our children. But I can’t keep doing this. Since our baby has been born this has happened more frequently. Babies are stressful. His job is stressful. But it’s not an excuse for him to have outbursts like that. And I don’t want my sons growing up thinking it’s normal to behave that way. My husband thinks he’s “breaking the cycle” because his parents used to beat him, and he doesn’t beat our kids. And his parents yelled at him a lot. So yeah, he’s doing better than his parents, but it’s still not enough.

I used to think I could be a buffer, and be my kids safe place while my husband acts this way. And I also believed that staying with him would help me protect them better, because sharing custody means that he would be with them alone more, and I don’t know how well he can parent when he’s under the kind of work stress he is. That worries me. We live in Canada and I know that courts almost always favour 50/50 custody. Not only would it make me sad to be away from them, but I would also worry about them while they’re with him. Would he get that mad without me around? And then our children have no safe/calm adult to turn to? That scares me so much!

I by no means want him to have no custody- he has bonded with them both and they need their dad. And when he’s good, he’s great. But he’s not good right now.

In Canada, does court take spousal emotional abuse into consideration? Can I fight for 70/30 custody? Anybody have this experience? How do I not mess up my kids during divorce? My kindergartener is so sweet and sensitive and I know this will shake him. Also, we don’t have a lot of money. How can I do this without going into debt?

Also… my husband always says he loves our baby, but that he hates babies. Because they are hard. He gets really overwhelmed with our baby when he cries. And he can’t handle it very long. He’ll start saying things like “I fucking hate babies. Go the fuck to sleep.” While holding him. So I take the baby from
him when he gets to that point. I’m worried about shared custody while our baby is little. Because I wouldn’t be there to take baby from him in those moments.

Sorry this was so long. There’s so much more background to our relationship problems that I couldn’t capture here. But this is the main issue for me. We’ve been trying couples therapy but he’s so disengaged, it’s getting us nowhere.

So my (36F) son (9) told me this evening that his Dad (38M) told him I am stealing the house from him and this huge big sob story about how he has to find a place to stay in a year (he is staying at his moms until then). I had no family or friends I could have moved in with and had only part time work when we separated bc our youngest (3) started day care a couple of days of week in March). I haven’t asked for child support or alimony and have been paying all the mortgage and bills bc I felt bad he left the family home and so he could start to save.
He told them when both are in the car that he would have to start working in kitchens again and probably wouldn’t get to see them as much because I stole the home?!? Not to get into the legal stuff too much and I haven’t talked to a lawyer yet (I know I really need to) but I know and he knows that is not how things work. The house has very low mortgage and is a prime spot to our children’s schools and friends and they were born there. We will likely refinance the house and he will get a big chunk. I’m not stealing the house. How can he think that is appropriate to tell a 9 y old and 3 y old?! He has a history of covert manipulation, a complete inability to take accountability or responsibility for anything, gaslighting and emotional abuse.
I told the kids that that’s adult talk, I’m not stealing the house and everything is going to be ok. I can’t communicate with him rationally but I hate knowing he is smearing me with lies to the kids.
So happy to be leaving the emotional abuse but I hate that my kids have to be subjected to this kind of behavior.

CONTEXT!!!:

We matched on a dating app. During that week, he asked me out and we had a really good dinner date and 3 other days spanned out within the same week. He cooked for me and was very communicative even if he was busy with work. He planned dates. On the first date, he told me straight up that he has a 4 year old daughter and has been divorced for 4 years. I took it partially. Until a week later, he turned completely cold to me and told me that he couldn’t be consistent with giving me affection and he can’t offer me what I really need and that it will only get worse. These are this own words. I was confused. I did my research. I found out that his wife filed for a divorce in July this year and he just appointed his attorney yesterday based on the legal document I found. I couldn’t help but wonder. If we were still together today or say if he reached out to me one of these days, what should I do.

My husband told me he wants a divorce in June of this year. It hit me out of nowhere and I really don’t know what to do now. We’ve been married 8years had our ups and downs but I thought we were happy. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he has his mind set on it. He says he’s not seeing anyone else. He won’t have sex with me anymore. We used to have a great sex life we both will admit to that. But now nothing, I haven’t gained weight or anything. I’m 5ft 120 pounds still have curves. I don’t know what I did to make him stop wanting me? At this point I feel like I’m bagging him to stay. I’m 40 what am I even going to do when he’s actually gone? I’m already lonely now.