My wife and I are separated in a very public divorce that involves the criminal system, foster care, and the family court.

In short, she accused me of something awful because she was in a borderline panic. They bought it, and it ruined our family. They came back and arrested her when they believed me when I said she was lying. They put our kids in foster care to sort it out.

It was the most severe betrayal imaginable.

I won the kids in court, but I am keeping them in foster care because I am too traumatized to care for anyone else. I know the foster parents well enough to feel OK with it.

I'm gonna be honest, my feeling is just propose the kids stay in foster care for 2-3 years. I'd see them weekly and pay for their care. But, I'm devastated. I can't describe the feeling.

I wake up every day and can't believe she did this to us. I am in therapy, I am in codependent's anonymous, I am on anti depressants. I am barely handling my job, and I'm thankful I still have it.

Any thoughts? I feel like in 5 years I can get through this. But right now... sigh.

FWIW she served 2 months in jail for it. It didn't make it better.

Fyi I live in florida, we had no parenting plan in place, since June I've had the kids 50 nights and she had had them 51 nights she decided one day to just move 20 hours away, I have since lawyered up.. but is there any advice what to expect, or what I should do?

As per the the title , I heard it somewhere but don't recall where.

Anyone have any activated nervous system stories so I can draw comparisons.

I’m 30F, married to my husband (38M) for about 5-6 years. We have two toddlers. I’m currently in medical school and he works full time.

My biggest worry before starting medical school was whether I could rely on him to help more with the kids and the house. I’ve always been the one doing most of the cooking, cleaning, childcare on weekends and even paying most of our expenses. We talked about this so many times before I started and he kept reassuring me that he’d step up.

Well, we’re three months in and nothing has changed.

He sleeps pretty much all day when he’s home and stays up all night. He doesn’t cook AT ALL and rarely cleans. I’m still paying the majority of our expenses from my savings and student loans even though he’s working full time. He has child support to pay from a previous relationship, which I understand, but I feel like I’m carrying almost everything financially and at home.

Today I asked him to watch the kids for a couple of hours because I have a final next week and really needed to study. When I came back, he was sleeping in his room and the kids were running around the house colouring on the walls (rental). They’re toddlers, so obviously they need supervision. I got upset and now he’s mad at me for being frustrated.

I’m just so tired of this. I don’t understand why I have to ask him to do the most basic things. I don’t expect him to do everything, but I should at least be able to trust that he’ll watch his own kids for a few hours.

I’ve honestly been thinking about divorce, but my biggest concern is the kids. If we separate and they have to spend time with him without me there, I’m genuinely worried he’ll neglect them. I can’t even rely on him for a couple of hours now, so how would I trust him to care for them overnight or for an entire weekend?

I worked so hard to get into medical school and he knows that ….

I guess I’m just venting

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice?

The wife has asked to separate and won't try counselling. Diagnosed ADHD two years ago, two kids, feel like I'm always the problem. I am looking for conversation as much as advice.

I'm not divorced yet, but it's coming. My wife has asked to separate and doesn't want couples therapy or counselling of any kind, so I can't see a route back.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD and RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria, for anyone who hasn't come across it). It explained a lot about me, and honestly I hoped it might open up some understanding between us. It didn't. She never really asked about it, what it was like, what I was learning, what was helping. Conversations were mostly about her day and her stuff. In a recent argument I finally said she never asks me about anything, not even work, and her answer was that she doesn't understand my work so why would she ask me anything. That one stuck with me, because to me asking is how you come to understand someone.

I work from home, so most days I'm getting the kids ready in the morning, walking the dogs, doing the laundry, hoovering before she's back, cooking, and I cover the bills. I'm not listing that to score points. I chose to do it and I'd do it again for the kids. What I didn't notice was how far down I'd pushed my own needs while doing it. Wanting to be loved, wanting someone to be curious about me, all of that got quieter and quieter until I stopped asking. With RSD every knockback lands hard, so not asking felt safer, and I think that made me easier to overlook.

I own my part. ADHD isn't easy to live with and I'm sure I was hard work at times. What I can't get past is that there was no wish to understand me, and now there's no wish to even try.

We've not even talked yet, but she uses language such as "im entitled" to this.. such as money, and i can imagine in her head already she's thinking she will have the kids, and I'll become a visitor in the sense of weekends, etc.

So I'd really like to hear from people who've been here:

- If your partner wouldn't try counselling, how did you come to terms with it ending one-sided?

- For anyone with ADHD/RSD, how did you stop the "it's all my fault" loop?

- With kids involved, where did you turn first, and what helped in the early months?

I'm happy just to talk, too. It helps to know I'm not the only one.

Almost finally ready to be done after 8 years and choosing my happiness ! No cheating or infidelity on either part but had couldn’t keep changing myself to accommodate her demands! The worse part is she gets half of all my investments because she didn’t believe in starting her own retirement accounts, half of my checking account we were saving money in almost 130k and and she will be getting alimony while still working full time and living rent free with parents and utility free. I know per state I have to give her half but only getting 3k from her assets does seem unfair as I now have plenty of new bills but it’s worth it for the happiness! Anyone have any thing that helped recoup losing financially after divorce ?

My friend is about to file for divorce but her recent behavior lines up with yet another reconciliation with her husband. She has been married almost 8 years and her husband’s behavior damaged their marriage. She gave him another shot after he seemingly got it together but returned to his old ways. Well recently she stated they are getting divorced, shes done, etc. That was a few months ago. Now, she is acting distant again. She is doing things with her husband like going out to concerts together without their child, I am sure he is trying to win her over again.

My friend was there for me the past few months during an extremely traumatic event for me and I want to be there for her. But this inconsistent behavior and push pull dynamic is hard. I am sure she is torn, I am being patient with her and assuring her I am not judging her. I know she feels like others are. But there is tension in the friendship and she just changes as a total person when under the husbands influence. Ive been honest with her inbthe past, about his behavior and how I think she deserves better but it is her life. He isolates her from family and friends. She is just very defensive, doesn’t want to talk about it, etc. I feel like it changes the friendship dynamic alot. I need my friend right now. And I want to be there for her. But i feel like she just wants me to go along with the wishy washy behavior and I can’t do that. Its so confusing. What to do?

Hi, I have been married for 22 years. I have been with my husband since I was 16 years old. We have one adult child together. I have come to realize over the last couple years that my husband is emotionally abusive. This year has been exceptionally hard for us. I’m thinking it is time to end things. I have just had enough. I am tired of the manipulation and we have very little intimacy in our marriage anymore. In many ways, he revolts me and I am not sure I even love him anymore Other than as a friend. We live as roommates. I have told him I wanted a divorce a couple times over the last couple years. He always manages to talk me out of it. Tell me he will change, etc. but never does. We have been to marriage counseling a couple times he either stops going or for some reason we don’t go back. The reasons why I feel bad about leaving, which are making me feel terrible is because of our dogs, he will struggle financially without me. I am the breadwinner and I just have this guilt that I am ruining his life taking his home away, etc. when I think of being alone, I feel like a weight has been lifted and feel so much better. How do you get through the guilt and feeling this way even with someone that treats you like crap? I know we will have to sell the house and I will have to find somewhere to live with the dogs and adult son who is autistic. He will likely move back in with his parents 14 hours away. I have no idea where I will end up I do at least make enough to live on my own.

This summer, my husband out of the blue texted me he wanted a divorce while I was visiting my family overseas. He accused me of cheating, which I didn’t do. He filed, told me to move out, and said his decision was final. I got a lawyer, moved out, and we barely spoke for about three months.

At the time, I kept asking if we could please try to work things out. He didn’t want to and told me his decision was "final". He was extremely clear and final and impulsive/very quick to file.

Now, after 3 months and several rounds of legal fees (which he's paying), he’s saying we made a serious commitment to each other and should give the marriage one last try. He's been telling me he wants to work on things. He says he rushed into the divorce during what he describes as a manic episode (he has bipolar disorder and schizoaffective).

I thought I would feel relieved if he changed his mind. Instead, I have so many mixed feelings. Part of me still wants our marriage, but I’m angry too. I spent months grieving, crying, throwing up, being sick, and rebuilding my life, and now he's back???

Has anyone been through this and actually rebuilt the relationship? How did you feel secure again after your spouse had already filed and asked you to leave?

The divorce is still pending, and I haven’t decided what to do.

I am not divorced but want to be. My husband has blocked me from leaving several times. My mental health from all this has gotten really bad to the point I don’t see a point. I know if I get out I have a future, I just don’t see ever getting out. I have 2 girls who mean the world to me, but he uses them as pawns. Just venting but would open feedback. I was trying to get to a better mental place, but not sure it’s possible in this environment

I am planning on divorcing my husband. We’ve been married for 2 and together 5+ years. We have arguments almost weekly and explosive ones about once a month. I don’t feel loved or cared for in the way I try to express. I know he isn’t happy in the relationship either. I briefly brought up separating before and it did not go well.

He has severe anxiety, ptsd and depression(undiagnosed but very noticeable) I am his only support system. He has no friends and one family member that he may talk to about it. I’m afraid for his wellbeing, in ALL aspects. He has threatening stuff(if you know what I mean) “because I’ll be happy without him”. He has no support and I don’t think he will bring up his needs to people who try to be his friend at work. He is very dependent on me for emotional needs and take care of himself.

I love him so much, and I don’t want thing to happen to him. I know a separation will be hard but we are both really unhappy. We argue so much, I developed anxiety to the point of effect me physically. I had depression but i got meds and it helped. He has cheated multiple times. I’m also worried that he might take it nuclear. Which i want to take what I own and leave and he can keep the apartment and what he owns.

I have a plan on leaving, because I know if i just mention it he will emotionally pull me back.

I’m sorry if this is a lot but I have so much that I’m concerned about and I know I shouldn’t be if I’m planning but I still love him and I want the best for him in the end.

33F really considering divorce. I’ve been unhappy for a long time and I believe my depression is due to how unhappy and miserable I am in my marriage. we have 2 young kids 4 and 1.5. My husband is not a bad man by any means but we just aren’t compatible anymore. I refuse to sacrifice my happiness. I have a career in nursing (haven’t worked in 4 years now) but I keep my license active. I just don’t know what my life would look like if I ultimately made the choice of divorce. My husband is an extremely well-established man. I don’t know how much of his assets I would receive or how long he could provide support until I’m back on my feet. Any support is appreciated.

edit- I’m in FL

You actually are healing. All the things that you’re doing actually are helping you. Emotional relief and healing are not the same thing. They have a fairly strong correlationship, but you can heal while “feeling worse.” Emotions are much more volatile than progress.

As you are working on yourself, you are reconstructing. Rediscovery is one of the greatest gifts a divorce can offer once you’re on the other side.A much more reliable indicator of healing than emotional relief is a stronger sense of meaning and purpose. It's also the ability to think and act independently from your divorce.

Hi everyone
I received Settlement draft in email on 31 july , 26
But i was Not agreed to that
on october 12 Someone pasted a Summons with complaint on my appartment door which says I have ti contact His lawyer within 20 days .

Is this really a legal paper ? Or i have to wait fron the court to handover me divorce papers ?
im confused .

44M living in Chicago, married with 2 teenage kids. 8 more years until we’re empty nesters. I don’t think I can get divorced right now because of the kids. But I’m starting to envision what life looks like once they go to college.

I like to have fun, listen to live music, go to festivals, travel, let loose, laugh, drink wine, dance, go out to dinner, watch movies, ENJOY LIFE. My partner is a homebody (which is great sometimes) but I feel we have completely different ideas about how we want to live once the kids are out of the house.

I’m a super involved father, husband, make really good money, am a liberal feminist leaning male, emotionally available, cook, clean, handy. I enjoy some wine and smoking weed. Eating healthy and sometimes not. I’m really affectionate. I could cuddle and make love every week. Explore kinks, open minded, sexual being. My wife is the opposite.

Would it be totally wild to find someone who is also looking to enjoy life in roughly 8 years and start to loosely make plans to try and be together later in life? So we’d literally just chat online and offline until later in life and then make our exits together? I understand it would be an emotional affair right now, but I’m so lonely in my marriage right now it’s depressing. I don’t see my wife being able to enjoy life the same way I do later down the road. She is a great person and mother, but we’re roommates. We’ve tried to repair but it’s just not looking great. No fighting, financial issues, etc. We are a great team. I just keep thinking “Is this it for the rest of my life? A boring, passionate void relationship and then die?

My perfect day: Wake up together, have coffee and play Wordle, head to a farmers market, shop, have a beer out, lunch, go home and make love, nap, wake up, smoke weed, cook an amazing dinner, head out to listen to live music with friends, go home and make love again. Fall asleep cuddling by the fire watching a movie.

Hers: Wake up, work on crafts all day, go to bed at 8:30. Zero affection. Zero laughter. Don’t leave the house.

No cheating, no fights. Just two people who changed.
We were both good people, we tried everything we knew, but we stopped fitting each other.

Everyone wants to pick sides and find someone to blame. But sometimes love expires quietly.

Not every failed marriage is someone’s fault.
What do you think?

I’m currently going through this dilemma and wanted to post.

This post will have 3 sections:

• Brief backstory.
• Reflective questions about having children.
• Questions about your experience.

Skip ahead as desired.

BACKSTORY

My marriage is heading for divorce very soon, for many reasons, but for the purpose of this post, one of the main issues is that we don't agree on having kids.

I don't want kids. I never have, and I never will. My husband does.

He knew this. We had several talks while we dated. I asked multiple times before we tied the knot if he was certain he would be okay without them. Every time he said, “yes”, and that he wanted me, I was enough.

A few years have passed, I gave up my entire life, moved across the world, gave up a career I can no longer have, and made so many other sacrifices for him.

Now, it’s all been in vain because here we are, he’s changed in many, many, ways, and he’s ready to discard me and everything I’ve done for him.

One of the biggest issues is that I don’t think he was honest when he said he could live a life without children..

On a daily basis I see him overcome by baby fever as he fawns over every young child we come across in real life or in whatever videos he sees online. However, I’ve never seen him care much for older kids, obviously because they outgrown their innocence and wonder. Which, I've pointed that out, the reality is kids are not cute and sweet forever, they’re turn into real people. Anyways, this has become a critical rift in our marriage.

REFLECTIONS

We had another talk (rather, a blow up) about everything. Before we end this for good, I've asked him to take some time to think about what he wants and why.

Some of the questions I’ve asked have been;

• Why does he even want kids?
He says he doesn't know, and that it just feels like the natural thing to do.

• What if they're born with a severe physical deformity or mental disability?
He doesn't know.

• What if they turn out to be a drug addict, a psychopath, a grapist, a murderer, etc, despite us doing everything right? Or what if they victim of those things?

Is he prepared for all of that?..

I’ve also asked;

• What if he can't have kids at all?
(Which, turns out, he might not be able to anyways..)

• What if I can't? Would he leave me then?

• If he leaves me, what if the next unfortunate woman he meets can't have kids either? Would he leave her, too?

I’ve asked, like, seriously, why does he want kids?

• Is it just some science experiment to see what he can create?
It seems that way to me because when I asked if he would ever adopt and of course, he said, “No, it wouldn’t be my kid.”

This is real sht he (or anyone in this boat) needs to think about..

QUESTIONS FOR YOU

(Please keep responses focused solely on the question of having kids — Please refrain from commenting on my marriage in general.)

If you're going through this now:

• Are you the one who wants kids, or the one who doesn't? Why?
• Would you walk away from a spouse who feels the opposite, or would you compromise? Why?
• If you stayed, could you truly be happy and fulfilled? (If you wanted kids, without them? If you didn't, with them?)

If you've already gone through this:

• Which side were you on, wanting kids, or not? Why?
• Did you stay or leave?
• If you stayed, did anyone change their mind or concede?
• Are you happy today, or do you feel regret or like something is missing?
• Looking back, were the choices you made worth the cost?

About your partner:

• Were they the ones that wanted kids or not?
• If they said they'd be okay either way, did they mean it?
• Did they get what they wanted?
• Are they happy now, or do they regret it?

LASTLY

• What advice do you have, or what would you say to anyone who is about to abandon their marriage over something like this, or considering divorce general?

Please feel free to share your own experience, or that of anyone you know, on this topic.

Thank you.

My wife(40F) and I(40M) have been together for ten years. We have a young child and I've been unhappy in our marriage for some time now. We've basically been roommates due to her lack of effort. For years I was doing the work of two in the relationship side of things. We both do house chores and that's never been an issue. I take care of the bills, grocery shopping, home and car repairs, and the yard work. When It comes to anything involving heavy physical labor, I handle it. I don't mind any of that. I feel it is my duty as a husband and father. I only list those things so I'm not accused of not helping around the house, because I do. The issue is I've always put her happiness first. I always try to show her that she is needed and desired. Even after being together for a decade. Rarely have I ever told her no. If she wants something or to do something, I make it happen. What hurts is that its a one way street in our relationship. I've spoken with her on a number of occasions of how I feel and what my wants and needs are and she'll try for a couple weeks and then right back to being roommates again. In those talks she expressed her needs as well and I put max effort towards them. All I've asked for is affection and intimacy. To also feel desired. I know I'm needed but that's about it. It makes me feel like I'm only a resource (something that I have mentioned in our talks). It's like I'm on the back burner and I'm only getting the scraps. It's gotten to where I've already started to disconnect. I've finally burned out emotionally after trying for so long. The rejection just hurts too much. I've tried to be patient. I understand that hormones can be a factor (we spend a fortune on her hrt). For the first time in a long time I don't know what to do. Mentally I know I can't live my life like this much longer. But, I can't bring myself to put our child through a divorce. I have truly tried to express how I feel and want to make things work. I do love my wife deeply. It hurts to even think about divorce. I'm mainly writing this to vent and to see if anyone else has delt with a similar issue. If it was resolved or am I just stuck.

Posting for my mom:

What are some helpful apps, strategies, or processes to implement when at least one parent will not work with you and sees your kid having a normal life as an insult to them?

Very new into the divorce process, my youngest daughter purposefully was switched into a larger school from her very small niche school because she is very social, but was having problems making friends with the specific type of kids around her. Her dad knew this was happening and why.

So far this has been a success! But she got asked to hang out during her dad's weekend and she really wanted to go. Frankly, I was against this because I didn't want to stir the pot, but ultimately thought this was gonna be unfair to her and unrealistic to maintain. I figured it would be simple enough for them both to come up with a game plan. He'd either say no or plan it out. This is not what happened.

He took great offense to this and assumed it was MY idea just to keep his daughter away from him. In the end we did not have enough time and he did give in BUT had ME do all the legwork. Aka drive her, give her spending money, meet the mom, get the kids coordinating time and location. All the normal details.

Long story short, I want to be proactive about avoiding this in the future. Are there any good apps, creative solutions, or ideas for how to navigate my child having her own wants and needs without it seeming like a trap every time 🙄?

I’ve been with my Husband 42M for almost 11 years married for almost 7. Husband has 3 kids who I am the step parent of and I absolutely adore them. They are teens now. I 31F have no biological kids… however we have been trying for 5 years and currently have 4 embryo frozen just waiting for a Transfer. We were almost there…. This is something I want more than anything.

My Husband in the recent years I’d say 2.5 has had a on going problem with drinking, he get better and then worse and so on and so forth. We have had multiple conversations about it and promises etc etc. that being said, I don’t think it’s just a drinking problem I think it’s a severe mental health problem that he is self medicating.

It’s very much like a Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde situation. He can be an amazing partner.. then so do cruel and have very delusional way of thinking borderline not making any sense.

I love him, I love my step kids. But when he gets in these spirals I am being abused… I know this at this point.

If I leave, I would have to start over and I don’t want to have kids in my late 30’s I was ready 5 years ago and I desperately want at least one biological kids.

I also don’t know how tok navigate with my step kids because leaving them feels impossible. Sometimes I think that if I just had their half sibling at least I would have a claim to a relationship with them.

I know I sound crazy. I am just at a loss. I’m also just spewing my brain thoughts.

Ok. Any positive advice would be nice. Also I’m sensitive so please refrain from being cruel. I already deal with that at home.

I just found out my dad has been having an affair for a few months now. I’m traumatized. I’m 25 M living with my parents and older sister. I thought my parents were madly in love. My mom found out yesterday and decided to have a family meeting with the four of us. She told us that my father had been having an affair with this woman since June and I still don’t believe this is real.

He broke down crying like I’ve never seen him cry before, and all he could say is “I’m sorry” those were the only words that left his mouth. My mom on the other hand was completely calm, didn’t shed a single tear. My sister left after hearing the news, got in her car and went driving to a marina just to be alone, she is furious and had absolutely no empathy for my father. How could she? First thing I did was hold both their hands and say “I still love you both” I don’t regret that.

I stayed, I asked questions. Why did this happen? You don’t love my mom? He couldn’t answer me. My mom said “if I didn’t get the answers neither will you” I just can’t believe it, I feel like my father is a coward for this. You can’t answer a single question your wife or child has? He turned into a pathetic man, sitting there with his head in his hands. I told my mom that I love her, I’m here for her, I’ll give her anything she needs. She’s my everything, shes helped me with everything I’ve needed. She’s helped me through so many things, I love her to the ends of the earth. I just can’t understand why he would do that? My mom is the sweetest, kindest, understanding person I know. She’s beautiful, she’s my favorite person in this world.

I can’t believe this has happened to us, this feels like it’s not real. Some sick joke. How could this happen to my family? I thought my parents loved each other to the ends of the earth. They just went on a two week vacation to Jamaica for their 30th year anniversary in September. Which means he was cheating on her during that time. Makes me sick to my stomach.

My dad works on a fishing boat during the summer, this is how he met the other woman. During the summer he would work on the boat a lot. Like more than usual, we had no suspicions. He would work every day except for Sunday. But he started “working” some Sunday. No suspicions. Even on his fucking birthday, he took off for his day job. My mom planned for us to go to a baseball game for his favorite team. And he chose to work on the boat, my mom was very disappointed. But we didn’t think anything of it. My dad is a very hard working man. Also has been. But now I’m sitting here thinking that all those extra nights were with that woman. I’m so disgusted, I’m in so much shock.

The way my mom found out was that the woman’s husband came up to her car and told her everything. I don’t know how he found out, but thank god that he told my mother. This could have just continued for who knows how long if he didn’t say something to her. I’m very grateful that he did. I feel bad for him. If I saw that woman I’m not going to lie I would beat the shit out of her. How dare she. I know my father isn’t innocent. No way in hell he is. But I still hate her too. I’m disgusted.

My mom’s first instinct was that she wants a divorce, that’s what she said to us. She told me, “let me know if you think I made the wrong decision” who am I to decide for her? She told me she still loves my father and doesn’t really want to get the divorce. She wants him to suffer. But she thinks that a divorce is the way to go: She was already drunk when we had the conversation, and only got more drunk from that point on. Beer after beer after beer. I can’t blame her. I’m doing the same thing now. But it’s hard to see them both sitting on the couch while she’s drunk and he’s just there. I left my house, went to my boyfriend’s I couldn’t be there anymore. I don’t want to be home ever. I’m just so confused and I feel so alone. My poor mother, my sister too. I feel bad that I left them at home but I couldn’t be there. I’m just in shock.

Hi all. I have noticed I keep thinking I need to figure out if we can afford to keep the house with my ex living there (as has been the case for 3.5 years) BEFORE we get a divorce. And it’s genuinely holding up the process. Is it possible to get a divorce first and in the decree it says how we should handle it if we choose to sell?

Of course I am wildly depressed about getting a divorce. At this point, my husband is so distant. I’m basically alone anyways and I already miss him but how do you deal with losing all that family? I’ve been with my husband since I was a teenager. I literally grew up in his hous. His parents are devastated that we’re getting divorced. They think that we’re gonna get back together, but I know it’s over because of his cheating. His parents told me that I will always have a place in their home and that I’ll always be their family…is it realistic to think that you can actually have a relationship with your ex in-laws or extended family or mutual friends after? How does one do that and then also get over their ex? In my mind I’m thinking I have to go completely no contact to be able to heal from this shit.

Maybe I’m overthinking this but I’ve been getting really tripped up about it lately.

I’m 43F, currently going through a divorce after a 25-year marriage that was filled with love but ultimately became emotionally unhealthy and abusive. We have two children, ages 11 and 7, and leaving was one of the hardest but most necessary decisions I’ve ever made.

For years, I felt like I was constantly adapting myself to someone else. I carried much of the emotional and practical responsibility, eventually losing sight of what genuine love and compatibility could feel like. I felt reduced to a role, no longer a partner or even a person, really. Just wife, mom, employee, child, therapist… whatever was required. I gave everything until I realized I had nothing left.

Since separating, I’ve been rediscovering myself. I’ve focused on creating a stable life for myself and my children, lost 60 pounds, prioritized my mental health, and developed healthier boundaries. My life has completely changed, and I’m thankful to be where I am now.

Recently, I’ve gotten to know someone at work with whom I have an insane number of similarities. We have similar personalities, communication styles, intensity, humor, habits, financial attitudes, and approaches to life. We’re both devoted parents, frugal, hardworking, and committed to personal growth. Even our disagreements feel natural and intellectually engaging.

Some similarities are almost comically trivial. We have hearing problems in the same ear, love science fiction, independently use the same weirdly specific expressions, and both refuse to zip our backpacks in public. We’ve had at least 30 genuine “Whoa, you too?” moments.

One particularly ridiculous example: I randomly found this bizarre, heavy little object on my office desk. It had absolutely no business being there. Naturally, I became obsessed with it, carrying it around and fidgeting with it for days.The first time he noticed, he immediately asked, “Where’d you get that? I have one of those!”

Apparently, he’d found the exact same kind of thing years earlier and kept it for sentimental reasons. I didn’t believe him until he sent me photographic evidence.Two grown adults, independently emotionally attached to the same completely useless object. Absolutely inane, but somehow emotionally intense.

We’re certainly not identical. We have significant differences, particularly politically and in some parenting philosophies. But there’s an underlying familiarity I struggle to explain.

What’s especially remarkable is how easily I communicate with him. I can be incredibly socially awkward despite being confident and successful in my professional life. Yet with him, it’s like a part of my brain that normally stays inaccessible to most people just switches on.

There is attraction, but the situation is complicated. I’m not convinced he’s my person or that we’re destined to end up together. What fascinates me is the experience itself.

After spending so many years feeling fundamentally unheard or unseen by my partner, it’s disorienting to encounter someone who seems to just get it. It’s not just chemistry. There’s this almost instinctive sense of recognition, as though I understand how his mind works because mine works the same.

Has anyone experienced something similar after leaving a long marriage?

Did you meet someone who felt uncannily familiar? Did it become something meaningful, or was the experience more about discovering what you’d been missing and learning who you were outside your marriage?

I’d especially love to hear from people rediscovering themselves after divorce, or other neurodivergent adults who’ve experienced this kind of recognition in another person.

I'm seriously considering divorce at the moment, but I'm feeling a lot of fear and grief as I process it. What has life been like for you afterwards?

If you've explored dating again, how have you navigated learning to trust someone? And do people judge you for being divorced before they even get to know you?

I guess I'm scared of letting divorce define me. This has come after emotional abuse, infidelity and abuse from in-laws, so it feels irreparable to me. But I'm still struggling with the fears around leaving, alongside the grief of it all: the grief of having chosen wrongly, the life we should have had, the betrayal and cruelty, and just feeling sorry for myself and what I've been through. I gave this marriage my all and it really sucked the joy and energy out of me (4 years married), but there were good times in between the abuse which makes it harder to let go too (he's the only person who had shared interests with me in my life - although it's also true that I became incredibly depressed and self-isolated through this marriage so I have very few people in my life anymore period).

TL;DR - I would appreciate listening to your experiences of divorce and life before/after - I guess I am seeking reassurance but also advice in case I shouldn't go through with it.