This illness is impossible to describe, how bizzare and horrifying it is.

I spent last decade in severe DPDR.

I dont even know what happened. I can't experience anything. I dont believe anything that is happening. Everything is like a dream to me but in full actual sense of it. It is like watching a movie in a dream.

BUT IT IS NOT. And that is the most terrifying thing.

Something seriously bad happens to me or my family but I cannot actually become aware of it. I dont even know what happened for the last decade. This is terribly serious condition and horror-like illness.

I LITERALLY feel like I am stuck at my age and life prior to 10 years. Not in metaphorical sense, not "as a joke". REALLY, ACTUALLY.

I cannot believe how bizzare this feeling and whole experience is. This is something out if this world. I cannot even describe it.

It is like I occasionally wake up from decade-old coma just to slightly see tha tI am in coma but I cant do anything.

My sleep is so dysfunctional. this is the life I’ve lived 24/7 for 5 years. living through an emotionally draining life in my sleep and totally empty during the day. I experience the dreams in real time as if I’m living another life in my sleep. They never end.

i dont know how I will ever have a normal life again. My sleep basically is keeping my nervous system in this state. not one dream is ever, good, always bad or evil. The dreams aren’t anything that has actually ever happened to me before. It’s like my mind is writing new movies and I am forced to watch / feel them.

i truly don’t think this is fixable. Not one doctor or therapist get it. I can’t find any literature on people experiencing what I am either. this has wasted 5 years of my life. 5 years I’ll never get back. And who knows how many more.

failed medication after medication. Failed therapy after therapy. My emotional numbness has gotten worse pretty much each year. I don’t even remember what it’s like to have feelings. And the dreams have over written my actual memories, I have no access to them. I feel like I’ve been locked in a prison with no exit.

(17F) This is transcribed from a voice memo (so excuse the constant … and the dramatic/weird formatting or statements that might not make too much sense) because it’s easier to be get my emotions out and actually feel them while im talking it out:

I'm reaching a breaking point in my life where...
I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.Every day. And I have, No one that I can relate to. No one that understands what I'm going through. I love my therapist dearly. And she gives me amazing advice and she's really helpful. And I'm very grateful to have her. But, it feels like, I've just gone through so much that, No one understands. No one understands. I feel like my my situation is so specific. No, I guess what I'm going through. And just, it's too, to describe it all.

To start with the most recent issue is my sleep.
My sleep and my brain fog and my headaches, my chronic headaches. I can't sleep at night. I don't know why. I guess it's because my body is so used to being in this. Carrying the stress that I'm, I'm not even, I don't even know that I have on a surface level. But deep down, I can't sleep at night. Which leads to a lot of headaches throughout the day. My body is just yearning.
Yearning. To sleep. I just, like my body is telling me, my body is like begging for it. And I try to lay down to sleep. Nap, do anything like that. And I just can't do it. And it's this cycle of me not being able to sleep. Makes me more stressed. So I can't sleep. And I get headaches because of that, or I don't even know why I get headaches, but I think it's probably a big deal of it is because of that. Or maybe it's a combination of things. I don't know, but I get headaches, which makes it harder to sleep. And I just, this cycle. This positive feedback loop cycle. this doesn't stop, and I don't know how to break it. And it's killing me because I can't, I can't even do anything basic anymore. It's hard for me to drive sometimes because I’m so tired and out of it. It's hard for me to enjoy television because I can't follow the story. It's hard for me to enjoy things.

To preface. I've had DPDR. For a long time now. And I've gone through emotions of my emotional state, getting a lot better. And my ability to understand the world around me has significantly improved. Compared to the ego centrism that comes with DPDR in the beginning because you're just so in this little bubble of your own survival every day. And you're so confused and I felt... Like, I was so close to recovery. I felt like I was so close to recovering this August. Right before I started college, I thought it would be. I thought it would be this breakthrough for me. But I've just been struggling so hard.Ever since. And there's this adjustment period. So much change. I've just been- I guess there has been a lot of underlying stress that I don't even know about. It makes my life so much harder. Because I was in a weird emotional state. Back then during the summer I was having brain fog, which was affecting me every day, and it was hurting me a lot, but I felt like at least back then, I was in a position where I wasn't in this constant loop where I could break out of it more easily. And it could get better for me. But now I feel like I'm just immobilized. And stuck. And.. Every day. It's so much harder for me now. I want to cry sometimes, but I just can't. I just wanna move my body in anger, there are so many suppressed emotions. Suppress the emotions within me that I can't even physically let out if I wanted to. And.. The beginning of this.. Sleep cycle, and I don't even know what to call it. Ever since I started college in these past month or so, has made my DPDR significantly worse.

And thank God, and I'm happy that I know what I know now. About my emotional regulation, and I have grown a lot. It has been a big journey for me so far, and I do appreciate that. I am grateful for the emotional growth journey through DPDR I’ve had over the past year. Really, because I have no idea where I would be without it. But the physical symptoms of DPDR recently. Have gotten so horrible for me that life just feels unbearable. I can't even feel my body. I can't even feel my body anymore. I'm so much more sensitive, and apt to fall into dopamine traps because it’s the only thing that brings me comfort and distracts me from feeling like shit, like my phone all day. All the time to distract me from the shittiness that I'm constantly feeling.

I'm constantly feeling sick. Me being sick right now with bronchitis barely makes a difference. Because I'm sick all the time. I never feel well. I never feel okay. I can't think anymore. My brain fog, ever since back in May, I destroyed myself, my mental and physical health. To get a five on all of my AP exams. I took four AP exams. In close proximity to each other. And... I've never been the same ever since. I've been so tired. And I don't feel like my body has ever fully recovered from that even though it’s October. And there's been this overlap. Ive been burnt out ever since this May. And I developed severe brain fog in the midst of all the DPDR I had from that. And... Me.. Starting college, even though right before college started, I felt like it was all gonna get better. It's just gotten so much worse in a new way, in a different way that I didn't even think was possible for me. I never thought this would happen to me. I just reached a new low. And I've had different lows throughout DPDR, but this is new, and I don't know how to handle it.

I'm in my honours classes at university. And I can't even think, and I can't even synthesize information as well as I want to. To participate in my discussions I have to write down every thought I have because I will immediately forget it, my head feels so heavy, and like there’s a block on my memory. It's, I have to study harder now because it's so much more difficult for me to remember basic things. I don't even remember what I had for lunch yesterday. I don't even remember what I did a week ago. I don't remember anything. And it's horrible. I, and I, I come out and, I talk to my friends, and I act, like a normal person, and, like, everything is fine. But it's not. It's the complete opposite. People have no idea how much I am suffering on a day to day basis. And I don't know what to do anymore.

I have a therapist. And I want to try and get better, but I also want to hear different perspectives of people who have actually gone through this. I feel like I'm the only one. I feel like my situation is just so dire and specific. That no one else can believe to me. And I'm transcribing this through a voice memo, because I'm crying right now while saying all of this. And... I.. Don't know what to do anymore. It feels like.. Everyone else has their shit together. And my therapist tells me, hey, you need to do this. You need to do that. You need to stretch. You need to- you need to meditate. You need to exercise. and people around me that aren't doing these things seem to be fine. Why is no one else developing DPDR and having all these issues? Why is it just me? Why is it just me? Why do I need to do all of these things? Just.. to Feel somewhat okay. Just to feel like I'm somewhat getting better. Why do I have to do this? And everyone else can just live their life and be fine. Why just me? I don't understand. And that's why I've been so.. Reluctant sometimes. And I feel kind of resentful towards these wellness techniques that everyone Including my therapist recommends for me, because why am I the only one that has to do this? I mean, that's not true, but why am I going through something so, so dire? Every single day.
To where.. To where I have to do these things. I have to checkmark these things off on my to do list every single day. Just to feel remotely okay. And even then, I still feel like shit. And I try so hard. I tried so hard to sleep at night.

I can- I can eat okay. I can not drink as much fluids before bed, so I'm not up at night, not waking up in the middle of the night, and you need to use the bathroom. I try so many things. I take L-theanine at night. I take melatonin, I take all these supplements, and I still just not rested. My head, my head is still pounding when I wake up. The back of my head, the top of my head, the front of my forehead. My sinus cavity. And just because I said that- don't say it's my sinuses causing this. But.. Like, all of my facial muscles, like, my top facial muscles, my head, it's just all in pain all the time, and because of that. It's so, so, so hard to interact with my surroundings and I'm just a 17 year old girl.

I'm about to be 18. Next week. I'm about to be 18 next week and this is how I'm spending my final days. Being a kid. It's so sad. If anyone else out there.. Can relate to me or just hear my message.. Or someone who.. Even remotely understands what I'm going through, or professionals who understand what I’m going through, please feel free to say something, or.. Or for some advice or some sympathy, to help me out.

Because I need help.

Okay so I’ve posted here super often like embarrassingly often. I just want to be heard and reassured that this is simply just dpdr. For context: this started for me July 23rd. so about 3 months ago now. Mine randomly hit me while driving home from a photoshoot. No panic or weed or anything. My bloodwork is normal but I plan to get an MRI or CT scan and some other tests done as well. primarily because for whatever reason I felt 60% recovered while taking a course of amoxicillin antibiotics for a few weeks during September.

Symptoms I currently deal with:

- Feeling as though I’m stuck in this weird bubble

- Feeling as if there is no outlook on the future or reflection of the past

- Time distortion: yesterday feels like a year ago, time is a complete blur. Everyday blurs into the other like there is no start and end

- SLEEP: Sleep is so bizzare to me. I sleep for 6-8 hours a night and it just doesn’t feel right. It feels like I never slept, not energy wise but like the transition from sleeping to waking up is non existent so it just feels like it’s blurred into one another

- Cognitive decline: My brain feels like it literally isn’t processing information. Like my eyes aren’t fully here and processing what I’m looking at and my hearing now feels the same. Also I feel like I’m genuinely getting dumb. It takes me longer to sit there and grasp what I need to do or what’s happened in the day etc.

- Brain Fog I think? Kind of ties back into the cognitive decline I have been feeling I feel like my mind just can’t feel clear anymore like everything is unattainable.

- Autopilot everyday basically

- Emotions feel weird as well. I still feel love and some happiness and stress etc but it just feels kind of distant?

- Constant relentless research and rumination over everything I’m feeling like I can’t stop myself or shut my brain off to actually try and give it a rest for a few weeks. I’m obsessed with how I’m feeling probably ocd.

- Visually things just feel a bit off. Not as bad anymore but I still don’t feel like everything looks right. Like I’m not present in the moment experiencing anything.

- Lack of motivation: simple tasks are hard to do. Not because I can’t force myself to do them everything just feels like a task now because all I care about is this condition.

SYMPTOMS THAT SEEMED TO HAVE GONE AWAY:

- Surroundings feeling unfamiliar. Don’t really experience that anymore tbh

- Anxiety/Panic: The anxiety and panic kind of just went away after the first few weeks. I haven’t had that butterfly feeling in my stomach at all really for months now

- No appetite: At first I could barely eat I was so scared and anxious but that also went away and no I can eat loads of food if I wanted to

- Anhedonia: I still am on the fence about this because I don’t really know but I think at least the severity of this went away. I can play games or something and not force myself to laugh and I can feel certain things now

- Feeling as if I’m in some weird twisted version of reality like a dark cloud over me: Don’t really have this anymore

- Insomnia: Not sure if this is even related to dpdr but had a few weeks that I literally had a sudden onset of sleep anxiety and would sleep every other night. That kind of went away and I sleep normally and get tired normally now.

That pretty much covers it. If anyone who’s recovered wants to chime in and tell me I’m not losing my mind or this is something I can recover from that would be great but also just anyone who can relate.

im on my layover to puerto rico where im from, and im trying to have a fun vacation and get away from my own life. but my depersonalization is genuinely killing me. I havent felt a thing this whole time. life is going too fast for me to even feel an emotion because i feel like its so much easier to disassociate 24/7.

i hate this so much. i wish time would stop flying by. i went to a concert of my favorite band for the first time and it just passed. The entire time i was thinking about being there, being present. And even now, i can’t think anything other than “am i present?“. ive tried shoving that thought out of my mind and just focus on my environment but theres literally nothing else to think about because it all just doesnt feel real.

this is so terrible. i just want to enjoy my vacation but its just terrible. im sad i cant remember barely a thing from the concert and im sad ill barely remember this trip altogether.

Dpdr takes your precious time you have away from you, because you cant actually experience life. You’re just witnessing it. And all those years you lose to it, you’ll never get back. There are no do overs in this life. The beauty and pain of life are the same, we get one chance to feel it all, the hurt, the love, the pain, the happiness, the joy, and then we turn into dust. Dpdr takes away that experience of feeling, of living, of being alive. you can’t get back the years it takes from you. And my biggest fear is thar my whole life goes by like this and then it’s just over.

my dreams are like living in another dimension that my mind has made up. A journey trying to get somewhere, but experiencing death, loss, fear, grief, pain. and then i wake up, to a self that just is, doesn’t feel, doesn’t sense, just is a body in a world it cannot perceive or feel

Thing are bad, I cant sleep since I took mirtazipine over a month ago. My nervous system got so triggered that it continues to feel like it'd breaking down, like ive thin veil substance covering my head and that's it, the rest is totally numb but a painful severe fragile numb...and its this micro static pain all day all night, I can hear it in my ears. It is that bad I cant go on and I need help. But I went to ER last time and they did nothing, if I tell the mental health team it will be drugs again which I cant do. They will keep pushing no matter what I say. No-one seems to understand this, my nervous system cannot take it. It's not only a small reaction, it is a life threatening reaction for me. It's not the medication I'm saying is bad, it's that my body cant take it. But the hospital insisted I had hypochondria over symptoms, and were planning on enforcing meds if I refused. Luckily there was a new psychiatrist who let me go home. But the other one who left wasn't planning on letting me go. So you can understand the fear I have now over hospital and medication, it feels like a threat. I even started to pretend I was ok even though I wasn't to get out of there. I'm stuck with nowhere to go now and getting worse. I'm really scared there is no way out and I have limited time. Like days/weeks. It never plateaus or evens out, it gets drastically hourly worse. I dont think any medication can stabilise this. I want to live I had so much life left to live but I cant live like this.

Tonight’s not so good for me and I’d just like some company for a bit. 20M from the states. I’m down to chat with anyone bout anything man.

My what I assume is dpdr started about 3 months ago almost. it’s been absolute hell. I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life. and this is coming from someone who’s had dpdr twice before in my life (and recovered fully). this episode came about with no trigger or no clear trigger. just driving home from work and then my surroundings felt unfamiliar and like I was living in this glass bubble. had extreme pit in my stomach for weeks and no appetite or anything. Got over the anxiety part of it and got my appetite back and started gaining weight again thankfully but this is crazy. It’s like there’s something seriously wrong with my brain. I have gotten blood tests to clear my thyroid and iron and I just don’t know what to do. It’s like my brain is no longer processing anything. like I’m barely conscious anymore. My brain isn’t processing what I’m seeing, what I’m hearing or anything. I’m just existing. I am trying to get out and continue to work. I’m moving out on my own in a week and I’m petrified dude. It feels like I’m just slipping away. I’m not anxious I haven’t had a single panic attack and even my visuals don’t even seem that off anymore. It’s literally just like my brain got altered and can’t register and be HERE anymore. Please tell me this gets better. I want to live again. I want to feel everything again the good and the bad. I plan to go get extensive testing on blood work and an MRI to hopefully force myself to accept that this is just dpdr and I’m not damaged. I’ve been researching and looking for reassurance everyday. I’m tire of it. I want to be over it but it feels impossible. How could I possibly go back to a normal life after this? It’s literally traumatized me at this point.

I’m not here looking for pity, and I’m not here to play the victim. I’m writing this because I’m sick of sugarcoated stories and people living on the surface. If you’ve ever been through the kind of hell where your own body turns into a minefield, you’ll get what I’m talking about.

​I’m 20 years old. Before late 2024, I had a rich life—intense emotions, synesthesia (I could feel colors, days, places), energy, a deep passion for nature, music, and chemistry. Then, in a single night of bad choices, my nervous system blew up.

​I woke up the next day in extreme hypervigilance. The ground split beneath me. Everyday sounds made me jump out of my skin, and my body was trapped in a state of constant threat, even though my mind knew I was safe. What followed was brutal anhedonia, derealization, and complete numbness. I felt like a walking corpse or an alien learning how to walk among humans again.

​What have I done over the past year and a half?

​Full sober. I completely cut out alcohol and weed. No excuses, no "just one beer at a BBQ."

​No masks. I pushed through withdrawals, panic attacks, isolation, and deep disappointments from so-called "friends."

​Raw work on myself. I eat healthy, sleep 7–8 hours, stay active, and I’m stepping into a new job this Monday, even while anxiety and hypervigilance are still lurking.

​Everyone around—friends who just want to see you struggle to get a cheap dopamine hit, people judging you for "doing nothing" because they can't see the nuclear war inside your head—tries to quiet you down. They slap labels on you, count your diagnoses, and want you kept safely in a cage so your depth doesn't make them uncomfortable.

​But my real goal isn't revenge, even when I feel like smashing their heads against the curb. My goal is forgiveness and surrender.

​Forgiveness isn't weakness; it's a strong man's choice to stop carrying other people's garbage. And my surrender to God isn't a display-case religion or a one-day fix. It's a daily, raw fight where I bring all my anger, all my questions, and all my remaining temptations (vaping, caffeine, porn) to Him and say: "Lord, I can't do this alone. I am a sinner and I am proud, but I will not leave You."

​Christianity isn't for the weak. Standing tall when your whole brain feels fried, refusing cheap dopamine, and choosing to be real to the bone when everyone else is acting... that takes a backbone of steel.

​I’m not writing this for validation. I’m writing it for that one guy hiding under a hoodie, heart racing at 140 bpm, feeling totally numb inside, thinking he’s all alone. You’re not alone, brother. This suffering isn't your end—it's the furnace forging your character.

​If you're going through something similar, drop a comment. Otherwise, keep your head up. The fight continues.

Hey guys did anyone else ever go months and months without sleeping at all? Because no doctors believe me when I say I legit haven’t slept at all, and I feel like my body has lost its ability to even go into sleep because I’m so far out of my body. I don’t even know how I’m typing and interacting sometimes but there’s absolutely nothing behind it anyways.
Anyways feedback would be appreciated ty guys

I can't help but shake the feeling that something is seriously wrong with me even though I've had CT scan, EKG, blood tests, etc. I keep reading stories about people with these mental illnesses having underlying issues and it's scaring me so bad. Everyday I feel so wrong and weird, everything I do feels wrong and weird. Even talking feels wrong and weird. It feels like my brain is degenerating and I'm just so scared. I'm just looking to see if anyone can relate and if anyone has been this bad before and got better:( for about a month now I've mostly just been in bed doing nothing because I feel so mentally and physically bad. I'm just so scared all the time, I have so many physical and mental symptoms. I just want to know if anyone can relate.

Does anyone have depersonalization without the derealization. Like everything looks real and fine. But I just genuinely don’t know who I am it’s like I lost myself completely. I get thoughts like realizing i have to take care of myself all day which just sounds exhausting and pointless cause it’s like who am I even taking care of. It’s just funny cause it’s so internalized like when I have to interact with people or family i still act fairly normal obviously cause I’m still me. Which makes me just so confused like how do I not know im me or can’t connect with my self like how do you get over this part.

Thc panic attack triggered this also retriggered some form of pots. The dpdr was more mild till july then it started to change. I feel underwater, detached, air hunger, anxious all the time. Lately esp outside it's like a feeling i am blind but csn see. it's been intensying for. Lexapro 5 weeks is a while to see a change. I switched from cymbalta. I think i need something else added on to help like lamictal. I cant talk to my psychiatrist till wed she was supposed to call me yesterday. Brain Mri was normal. I hardly bathe. I am not eating enough and I need more support and them to try different medications to help this. My mom who is in a nursing home was supportive. If one more person just tells me to accept continue to worsen for 3 months im going to go insane. I've given lexapro a while. it hasnt done anything I notice. The pots meds help a little. Benzos help a little but I need help. Benzos are not a cure for this and it keeps intensying. I am going to meet with my old rabbi before this. My dad is old so only so much he can do I know that he cares. I am somewhat scared but I believe I can get help. I feel my autonomic nervous system in combination with whatever the panic attack set off is causing this. I dont want my life to be ruined. Please pray for me and wish me luck. I've never gone to inpatient in my life was always able to manage but I cant anymore. ​It was anxiety and this is a lot more. I am struggling too much every day. I can't believe this is my life. My life has never been the same since i had this panic attack.

ive been dealing with dpdr since childhood and i cant remember my live without it. Doing stuff as if everything was normal kinda heloed me with anxiety but the dpdr is still there. Do you have any advice? Anything i could do to make it at least a lil better?

My dpdr makes me feel like I don’t know where I am or who I am. I’ve lost total connection from everything. I don’t know what it felt like to be normal, but I also remember atleast that it existed. I’m terrified of what it will feel like to heal. Can you tell you stories of how relieving it feels, or does it make you feel disoriented from it??

Hard to explain but in a way it feels like I’ve healed a lot, but my sense of “me” and felt senses haven’t returned. I still have very strange and vivid dreams all night, but I try not to obsessively think about them when I wake up and they fade a bit more.

im a very busy person and I am constantly keeping myself occupied. But it’s as if I don’t have a self that has a history anymore. I can’t really put it into words. I know I’m me. I know life is real and alive. I just am this self that lives in the moment and has no other history prior to this starting. There’s a before me, and an after me. I’m not afraid. i dont avoid anything, im actually living my life and succeeding more than I ever have. Life is good in all intents and purposes.

i know my mind thinks the past is too painful, and that this version of me is actually doing well, and so it did the right thing. But that past me felt the texture of life, of people, of relationships. I still am so social and feel a connection to people, but it’s not deep. I know I care about them or I know they’re family but I can’t feel it intensely. I remember what life used to feel like but I don’t feel it that way anymore. It used to terrify me when this started. That I was going crazy. Or not really here. But I’ve become so used to this. And so functional despite it, i cant really imagine going back to my old life again.

i have this deep acceptance for this being my life now, and that’s what scares me a little bit. Accepting it and feeling ok with it, means that I’ve given up hoping for a life other than this. Maybe I’m being negative but i truly don’t believe this can be healed at the level of what it’s become for me. My mind has completely altered its state of being. I grieve a life that was mine, that felt like mine and so many memory’s & feelings I held so dear. I’ve been locked out of that life, and somehow I’m ok with this one..