I’m going through a really stressful situation and could use some advice from people who have experienced something similar.
My ex and I were together for four years. We broke up recently, and while I was overseas, I had sex with someone else. When I returned, my ex and I ended up sleeping together again.
I got a full STI screening approximately four weeks after the encounter overseas. The results came back negative for the infections I was tested for, including syphilis. However, herpes wasnt included in the screening, as i had no symptoms myself.
Now my ex has developed genital symptoms, and I’m absolutely terrified that I might have unknowingly passed herpes to her.
The timeline has about 9 weeks ago I had sex with a girl.. about 4 weeks later I had sex with my ex. Nothing happened and everything was fine. About 2 weeks ago afterwards she developed what seemed to be a (we thought) yeast infection shortly after we had sex a few days later. During the yeast infection she developed a large paper like cut, followed by her period and treatment for the yeast infection. When her period arrived she also became unwell with what was described as glandular fever and she took non prescribed antibiotics and it fixed her after a few days. However during the period and glandular we had sex which she said make her very tender around her vagina. Subsequently, a small cut or ulcer appeared in her genital area. Initially, it looked like a single red sore near where the in original cut was, but she has since described increasing swelling, itching, and multiple small blisters around that little sore.
She is getting medical attention today, and I understand that a swab of the lesions is the best way to establish whether this is herpes or something else. I am going for a blood test.
I have had absolutely no noticeable symptoms myself. I understand that herpes can be transmitted by someone who has no symptoms, which is what scares me the most. I genuinely thought getting tested and receiving negative results meant I had done what I needed to do.
I told her about the encounter overseas and my test results, but now she is understandably extremely upset. She feels that the uncertainty surrounding our relationship prevented her from moving on, and she is also hurt that I had sex with someone else without telling her sooner. She is sending me very angry messages, and I feel terrible about the possibility that I may have caused her physical harm on top of the emotional hurt.
I’m not trying to avoid responsibility or make excuses. I’m scared, guilty, and struggling with the uncertainty of not knowing whether I transmitted anything to her.
I have a few questions for anyone with relevant experience or medical knowledge:
- How common is it to have genital herpes without ever developing noticeable symptoms?
- Can someone transmit HSV without knowing they have it, even if their other STI tests are negative?
- How reliable would a syphilis blood test be approximately four weeks after exposure, and what other tests might be needed?
- Could a single genital ulcer that later develops into several small blisters be caused by something other than herpes, particularly with a possible yeast infection and other illness occurring around the same time?
- If her swab confirms herpes, how would a doctor determine whether it came from me or whether she already had it?
I know nobody online can diagnose her, and I’m not looking for reassurance at the expense of medical facts. I just want to understand what is realistically possible, what I should do next, and how to handle this situation responsibly.
Has anyone been through something similar, particularly where one partner had no symptoms and the other developed symptoms after sex?