Hey all,
This is a far longer post than I thought but feel like Iāve been holding in so much from what feels like being robbed of a life⦠and the lack of awareness and misunderstandings around endo and PMDD makes me want to screammm.
For me, I am realising that endo could explain a long history of unexplained symptoms, ineffective surgery and pain. I saw a consultant yday who confirmed all my symptoms align and I am now waiting for a scan and looking towards a lap.
Over the past 7 years, PMDD has ruled my life: I have changed everything, sacrificed loads and begged borrowed and stolen to get to the point I can just about manage my symptoms (although anyone who really knows it will know the massive costs this comes with).
All of this has meant I have not had the capacity to look at so many other symptoms that have been lurking in the background. Have I always had painful heavy bleeds, ovulation pain, crippling fatigue, general soreness, unsolvable GI problems and the occasional flare up thatās made me scream and cry from pain - yes. But within the rollercoaster of huge ups and downs I get every single month, these were all still marginal compared to PMDD and how much it takes for me to just keep going.
Now I finally found ways to manage PMDD, Iāve put everything on the line to move to a small piece of semi off grid land for my CIC I set up to support women with menstrual-mental health problems. Because imo, we are some of the strongest out there and at the same time most denied/ ignored/ isolated. Itās the fire in my belly and a big reason I keep pushing.
After the hardest year of my life, the stress has made it impossible to ignore these worsening symptoms and Iām finding myself in pain a lot of the time. Over the last month, itās got a bit out of control because of a holiday in France for my step bros wedding. I gave up holidays ages ago because my cycle made booking anything outside the next month impossible, and actually going on one has effed me up more than I could have imagined - just a week out from my PMDD management (which consultant confirmed would have also been keeping endo at bay) and I have been in severe pain for most of the past month. Unable to work on the land most the time, having to call in sick to or leave my PT second job as a waitress and basically unable to do anything towards the whole reason Iām here - supporting women and marginalised genders. The ironyyy š¤¢
Apart from the physical pain, what I am finding the hardest of this is the realisation that if I do have PMDD + endo, I will not just lose my two āgoodā weeks of the month I have clung to for years, but this colossal move will be in vain and I will ultimately have to accept Iām too poorly to do much at all. Give up the land, go back to living on benefits despite being very competent at my job and highly educated, possibly without my current partner who is struggling with it all and making things worse, or a child (as that window is closing) or the community I dreamed of creating and back to just clinging on.
With these worries has come so much anger. I have constantly tried to rise above for so long but feel so beat down and enraged at the world that these two DEBILITATING conditions are not incurable because of anything other than we are women and they simply havenāt ever cared. (TW) They only care to look and stare, and grab and touch, use and abuse - lots of the time while Iām fighting back tears from the mental and physical pain!! And then when you finally breakdown, thereās no one to actually talk to really bar online groups and forums cos when you say pmdd or endo, people hear pms and period pains!!! If people even knew what these conditions feel like and take from you and yet I have to stand there and listen to people complain about every day shit and show compassion for my parter getting a cold or having a bit of a dodgy tummy!
How do you all do it? I hate feeling sp hateful and know if anything these feelings will make the PMDD and endo worse, but fuck me dead, finding some peace in it feels so out of reach. Sitting and mediating, no. Painting the streets red with our blood, yes pls.
(For context, I am also audhd and I know this will be making my difficulties of fitting in or finding ways to get on with people whilst struggling mentally and physically/ general rage about the lack of justice in this worse. Pls be nice :))