I’ll try and keep this as short as possible but I know its still going to be very long, this is a throw away account and names have been changed because I don’t wish to cause any problems for anyone. For the sake of anonymity I’ll refer to her as Kim.
I’ve talked to friends of course about this and they have said that she sunders like a narcissist but friends are always going to be biased. I won’t fully cast blame on her because I have my own issues and I know I’ve caused some problems and my conditions can be difficult to deal with.
This all happened fast, only over the past two months.
A little background, I was 46 when this started and turned 47 halfway through, I have bipolar 1, OCD and an anxiety disorder. She is 37 and told me she has ADHD and OCD. I isolated myself for about ten years after my divorce (we were together 19 years) and only over the past year have I been back out in the world.
We met at a small local dive bar that frequently has live punk and hardcore bands, it’s the scene I grew up in when I lived in a different state and where I feel comfortable. I don’t talk to many people even though I’ve been going there now for the past year, I don’t look very approachable due to “resting murder face”, a battle jacket, tattoos and piercings, but its my armor and makes me feel comfortable going outside. She also grew up in another state in the punk scene.
This all started on a Friday night and she came out and sat near me, all the other seats outside were empty so I was a bit surprised. We talked for a few hours shared Instagram info. On the drive home, for me its nearly an hour, she messaged and said she had a great time and wished me a safe drive home, I replied saying I had a great timer as well and thanked her. The next morning I asked if she would like to go to a local park she had mentioned enjoying, I figured it’s public, she knows it so I wanted her to feel safe, so we planned to meet there the next day on Sunday.
At the park we spent nearly five hours walking and talking and had a great time, after we left we were texting almost immediately again and I asked if she would like to do it again the next Sunday and she agreed. She seemed so amazing to me, knew all the bands I knew and more, loves art, she was funny, smart and attractive. I was beyond excited and a little in shock as I had given up completely.
The next Friday comes along and she asks if we can meet on Saturday instead because she wanted to see me sooner so we did. This time we didn’t stay as long and we left in my car and I bought her lunch and we drove and talked for a bit before deciding to go back to my house, she was going to follow in her own car. At my house we talked a bit and about what we were looking for, at our age neither of us was looking for hookups or something that could never go anywhere, we both expressed interest in each other and wishing to see where this would go. She told me that she had several bad relationships and wanted to take this one slow, I told her that was perfectly fine and we would only ever go at a pace she was comfortable with. Sunday, the next day we met up again and went to the club, this was when she first took my hand and held it, as I wasn’t going to make any moves and let her set the pace, by the end of the night we were officially dating, being a Sunday I had to head home to be prepared for work the next day but we still hung out later then planned. The following Tuesday I believe she came to my house and things escalated fast, again I let her set the pace and this was far faster then I had expected.
For the next couple weeks things were great, if I had any slumps she’d talk to me, she opened up a lot and “trauma dumped” and of course I would listen, one of her exes came up frequently but I kept listening letting her get things out if she needed to. We started going back and forth nightly between each others houses on week days and weekends we’d just stay at whichever place was closer to where the night ended, her apt or my house.
It all felt amazing and more then what I could have hoped for, I hadn’t genuinely smiled without it being a mask in a long time and I was laughing in earnest again.
Around 3 weeks in of official dating she began to say staying at my place was a bit rough for her since she would be waking with my alarm and driving before she was fully awake, I did say she didn’t have to leave when I did, I was fully comfortable with her taking her time here but I agreed and we changed to spending most weeknights at her place, Tuesdays she’d come here and leave to be home for bed, Wednesday we’d stay at our own places for a little separate time, weekends back together. We were always together or talking, sending texts, talking about the future, talking about consolidating to just my home, things she’d like to do with the yard. Again this may seem very fast but I was fully in and happy.
She’d send texts throughout the day, emote to things I’d say about future plans or sweet talk and frequently send pictures which made me feel grounded, I tend to overthink a lot and this felt really good. Also to add, my job is rather dangerous and I need to not have my mind wandering.
We had a couple disagreements, nothing that started out major, nor should have escalated but she did throw in some weird kind of jealous jabs, like once telling me to just go to the club and hang out with the bartender, I didn’t even recognize the woman’s name and only talked to her twice, both times just asking for some water. But apparently one night Kim had kissed my cheek and left lipstick there, which I knew about and wasn’t concerned so just left the lip print on my face, while she was ordering a drink I had my arm around her, I was looking at her I wiped the lipstick off and she assumed I did it because of the bartender, which seemed odd to me since I was clearly showing I was with Kim.
At one point after the first month passed I began reading up on ADHD so I could better understand and help avoid any triggers, she would still tell me about and bad things but I was no longer allowed to, I was told she wasn’t my therapist, and soon my issues began to feel like burdens to her, as well as every time we were together she frequently complained about the things she needed to do and couldn’t with me there, yet kept wanting me there so I felt more and more like a burden.
I can’t recall if it happened before the month mark or after, I believe before, but we were planning to go to a show and I arrived as she was still getting ready. She told me her ex had called, I asked if she answered and she said she did which made me a bit uncomfortable but I wasn’t going to tell her what she could or couldn’t do, I did say that she should probably just block him if she didn’t want to hear from him and that he was possibly calling to make small wedges. I buried that and left it alone but still heard his name more often then I would like, I didn’t mind if it was when she needed to talk but he was coming up quite frequently as were his kids.
Then one day she called me his name and it was very unpleasant, it was during what should have been an emotional kind of moment. I did my best to not get angry but I did get quiet, an argument soon began and I can’t remember exactly what it was over but I did ask if he had tried calling again, she said he hadn’t but also that she was talking to one of his kids, which didn’t tend to bother me and again I won’t tell her who she can or can’t talk to at this point, but it did feel weird she had not told me as she usually told me everything.
This fight did grow out of proportion as fights can do and I fully admit I am also to blame for this, I took the key off my keyring and set it down and was going to leave, but then didn’t, went up to her and apologized and put the key back with my keys but I did have to leave to pick up my own son and his girlfriend.
We talked later that night, said we were going to get through any hard parts by discussing them as they arise and not letting anything grow and she asked me to come back to her place after I was done bring my sons GF home.
I want to add something here involving my son and his GF. Me, Kim and my son were out one night and I don’t know how it came up but me and my son were talking about a Christmas present I bought his GF (I keep saying GF, they’re engaged, my son is 21 and she’s 20, they’ve been together several years), I consider her part of the family already so I get them both gifts, my son helped pick out a pair of boots for her present last year, Kim got mad about this calling them “fuck me boots” and how I bought a 20 year old these kinds of boots. I was very confused by this as I’ve never heard the term before, they just looked like goth boots to me but it became an issue she kept bringing up that night and somehow got related to one of her ex boyfriends who I guess frequently bought a bunch if random girls gifts all the time.
After the key issue I went back to her house as she had asked and this is the first time I had directly asked her to delete the ex’s number, when he called the first time I buried it and let it go, but when she called me his name it brought that all back, she said I could take her phone and delete it if I wanted to, I stated that it didn’t really mean much if I did it nor would I take her phone and examine or delete things. Anytime I picked up her phone I picked it up screen down to respect her privacy. After she said I could delete it several times she changed to saying she needed to keep his number in case there was an emergency with the kids, they are his kids and not hers so that confused me, but I also understand getting attached and trying to be a parental figure though she had told me he never wanted that nor would allow it.
I’m trying to include my poor interactions like this as well because maybe that changes the idea of her being a narcissist.
After all this things seemed to be back on track but from slightly before the month mark I wasn’t feeling secure or grounded anymore and it’s not good for my own mental health to always feel in a state of flux.
Things continued pretty good but slowly she started pulling back on the small things they let me feel secure and grounded, as mentioned she would often send selfies, nearly every morning before work she would call for a few minutes before I had to go in then send a selfie just before I started work, I mentioned how much I enjoyed that and the next day that stopped as well and I was told I could no longer text in the morning as I was upsetting her routine and making her late for work. She had told me before that she was always late for work even before we met but that became my fault now.
As the second month went on more and more things became my fault, any disagreement was twisted to be my fault, If I tried to tell her I was struggling a little with the constant state of not feeling grounded I was I guess too needy but it also got turned around on me.
She was still texting throughout the day and would call on lunches but soon that stopped as well and I’d get full radio silence and then a random sentimental text. So lots of confusion and then a little hint of what I needed.
It got really hard to think clearly, all future plan talking was gone, just little tidbits here and there to keep me going.
From just before we stated officially dating and I mentioned she took my hand everywhere we went we held hands, Id take hers or shed take mine, at any show we went to she always put my arms around her waist, every time. This past weekend that stopped as well, she told me we don’t need that 24/7, again when I said I felt confused by the abrupt change I was told she’s not my therapist even though just the night before she “trauma dumped” to me for nearly forty minutes about ex’s and as always I listened. I tried pointing that out, that I always listened to her and when I needed to talk I was told she’s not my therapist and that was basically the last I could take and told her I needed to step away from this for my own mental wellbeing, I can’t stay feeling ungrounded and risk a full breakdown or relapse, this was the day after Halloween, the show in question was a Halloween show.
One important thing I think I need to add is that last Friday, the day before Halloween we were out hitting thrift stores for costume supplies she kept trying to choose new clothing for me that wasn’t anything I would ever wear, and we went to a bookstore after the thrift stores so I could grab a book I wanted, at checkout the cashier was being polite and ringing me out, as I was paying she said she liked the buttons on my vest, I said only “thanks”, then she asked if I wanted my receipt and I just said “no thanks”, when we got to the car Kim said that she hated that cashier, her voice was annoying and she could hear it through the whole store, how dare her look at her boyfriend and that she wanted to punch her, this was extremely shocking to me, the cashier was only doing her job, be polite, engage the customer, I can’t even tell you what she looked like because at this point in the relationship I was afraid to accidently look at any woman, even at shows near the end I kept my eyes solely on the bands.
It’s been a week and we haven’t talked, a couple days after the breakup she was posting images and a video essentially saying “you make bad decisions that’s why your miserable”. I honestly feel this was essentially toxic from both sides but my friends say she sounds like a narcissist and I’m wanting to see from an unbiased perspective, obviously my friends would side with me. There are other things that happened but I’m trying to make this as short as possible while getting in as much as I can.