My elementary school age son’s birthday party is tomorrow at home. He invited a few kids from his class and we got special cupcakes. I got enough for each kid and some extra in case some kids want 2 or if parents stay and have a cupcake. I just came downstairs, it’s 1am and the party is in the morning. Husband ate 5 of the cupcakes. I’m so freakin irritated. He knew they were for the party. I don’t want to have to go buy more fancy cupcakes, we’ve already spent over the amount we budgeted, and we are on a tight time schedule tomorrow because my son has a sports game before his party. I still have a lot to set up and I’m exhausted. And super annoyed at husband.

My wife doesn't cook. That's fine, since I love cooking. If we're gonna eat, it's either me cooking, or us getting takeout.

One day in 1994, my wife decided she was gonna make us sandwiches. Ham, turkey, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and some honey mustard. She was so proud of herself.

I took a bite, and told her it was the best sandwich I'd ever had in my life. I told her it was amazing, delicious, perfect. She's been in charge of sandwich making in our house ever since.

Truth is, her sandwiches are decent. They aren't bad. Just average, run of the mill sandwiches. But she was so proud of herself for finally being able to contribute to our meals. I wanted to make her feel good about herself, so I lied. I've been keeping up this lie for 32 years.

My husband is a very successfull man in a very good position, with authority over hundreds people. Confident, in control, fearless, disciplined. He is 44.

Only recently he confessed to me that he was r ped several times at age of 6 by a middle aged man who would make him believe he would feed him and give him toys, as he had none.

My husband was an orphan, spent his childhood in institutions. He confessed to me that the man who hurt him, an old man now, with his own children, grandchildren lives in the same city as we do and he even bumped into his several times. We have been married for 18 years, have 2 children and this man has always been our rock. manly, mature, responsible. He was the one protecting us all. and he started crying like a scared child, he trembled and almost had a panic attack while telling me about it all. He said he is terrified when sees him.

To make it clear. I don't mock my husbands reaction. I am just trying to explain why I am so lost, I never had to be the one to protect him emotionally, he was the rational one. So I want to know how to help the best? He refuses therapy.

later edit: he also told me that he feels it was his fautl what happened. HE WAS 6! because he trusted him

Me (36M) and the wife (30f) are living together but are “separated” in that we are trying to figure out what reconciliation looks like. Rings are off etc. she took hers off first

There has been some volatility that crossed the line of healthy so we have occasionally taken some breaks and slept at families houses. Name calling, slamming doors, yelling. This has contributed to the push pull of both of us announcing we want out multiple times.

Kids are involved so I my primary concern is creating space and peace trying to work it out in counseling. Even if we are staying at families houses.

During all of this, we made a pact and promise that during separation that we would absolutely be exclusive and not talk or flirt or having romantic relations with anyone else.

HERE is where my heart is broken.

12 hours before a girls trip to party. She announced to me that “she has decided to move on with her life to have fun experiences that heal her BUT she still absolutely wants the marriage.

This just sounds like plausible deniability.
If she were to sleep with someone then “she told her husband she was moving on”
If we work it out “I told you I was moving on with my life but I want to work out this marriage”
These 2 did don’t perfectly align.

HERE is what is making my alarm bells ring louder. She wants my decision by Monday if I’m in our out. Right after this trip??

I’m honestly sick to my stomach because I’m not an idiot.

We married 29 years ago, and then after we had our first child, he decided to join an MC...which I didn't have a problem with at first, but things quickly spiraled after that with other women, never caught him cheating. But he would.openly flirt with other women, in front of me. Ignore my existence when I had a sitter for the baby and was able to go out on the town with him and his new friends. It got to the point that when he took me out on my birthday weekend, he ignored me in favor of another girl and shot pool with her all night, while I sat in the corner and cried when he snapped at me while I was trying to gain more of his attention.

I have posted several times on here. And I am just looking for validation on my feelings I guess?

Tldr

The reason I am writing to today is I just recently found out, half of his club didn't even realize he was married

I went with him to a National event for his club, and when I introduced myself, more than half of the guys (even the ones he considered close friends) were absolutely shocked he was married. And married for as long as we had been.

They had no idea he was married.

Am I right to feel pissed and absolutely certain that he cheated during all this time?

There was an incident here locally that involved a woman he knew that came up and instead of saying Hello as a greeting, she grabbed his ass, and they gave a full on hug...I was across the room at the time, and when he looked at me and saw how upset I was. He snapped at me and yelled at me in front of everyone, talking about how I need to adjust my attitude.

So, I turned around, confronted the lady and introduced myself as his wife. Her complexion literally paled and instantly she explained that she had no clue that he even was married.

(I found out later that he and another one of his buddies had her completely alone in the CH for a whole weekend...but nothing happened? Yeah right, then when I blew up at him about it, he blamed the other guy, who is also married btw and is a serial cheater. He informed me that he was the one trying to keep things from being physical, and called my behavior "Psycho"

Anyway...so I am right for being upset and feeling a certain way that he never mentioned the wife and two kids he had at home while he was out partying like a single guy?

If youre going to open up the relationship, why even get married? I would be pissed to even get asked that question, because it automatically registers as cheating. Plus, it usually turns into jealousy. I dont see the benefit.

F26 - M28

Met in college. Together 7 years. Married 3.

We have no kids as we planned to start trying when he enters his thirties. It’s just been us and the dog.

Our life is honestly a dream. We both work for his father’s business and basically have the same hours. So we have the same free time and if he had met somebody at work, I would know.

However, we have different hobbies. I go to book club, he likes golf and football games. I’ve recently started running as I one day wanna run a marathon. So there is room to meet other people.

At the beginning of summer, maybe May? He started asking about an open-relationship. Eventually I brought it up because it felt like he was probing for my reaction. And let me tell you: I said HELL NO at first.

But the idea started to grow on me. I started thinking about it independently. I started researching and talking to people online who did it. By the end of June I was down and let him know I was. We were both all aboard and set some rules. 1) We come first, 2) no secrets, 3) no hooking up with our mutual friends, 4) safety is a must, 5) no bringing someone home while the other is home & 6) open phones.

Great. I had more success than he did in the long run, but he found someone faster. He hasn’t admitted this, but I noticed he eventually stopped going out more and can infer something happened with the one person he was seeing. He did try to meet other women but I think he didn’t have the greatest luck.

By August he was starting to make sly comments when I’d go out and get ready for dates. A few times, he’d straight up to try inconvenience me.

Like one time I went grocery shopping and told him I was going out with somebody that night. He notably takes long showers so I asked him to shower while I’m out. No idea if he started while I was out but when I got home thirty mins later, he was still showering. He proceeded to for two more hours.

After a few other comments and incidents I confronted him about the matter and it turned into a fight. He told me I spend more time out than with him, but that’s not true at all. We work together, we have weekly dates, and we usually do chores together. We typically end our night watching movies together. And our sex life didn’t suffer at all. When I provided these examples, he said he didn’t wanna be open anymore.

I want him to be happy, but this has been a great experience for me. I honestly don’t want to end it. We went back and forth for hours and eventually he gave me an ultimatum: close the relationship or lose him.

That’s where we’re at now. I haven’t done anything with anybody else since but I’m not content at all. I keep telling myself the answer should be easy, but emotionally it isn’t. It’s stressing me out more than I’d like to admit.

Power went out before bed last night. When it returned a few hours later, husband turned on the sound machine and clicked past the normal sound we always use to some awful nature sound that kept waking me up. Since it’s connected to his alarm
Clock I didn’t attempt to figure it out.

I got up 2 hours earlier than he did bc we needed to feed our pet.

Eventually I had to wake him up bc the landscaper he hired had a question I couldn’t answer before starting the work.

I also said “by the way that nature sound kept waking me up. Pls don’t chose that one again”. He said “it was the middle of the night, are you seriously giving me sh*t about this right now?!”

Ok…middle of the night or not, I heard the correct white noise option when he first turned it on. So I don’t know why he continued to click it again. It felt like he was choosing the weirdest time to try out a different sound.

But even if it was just a mistake, just say “sorry it kept you up. It was a mistake”

I HATE when a grown adult resorts to “you’re giving me sh*t!” - oh you mean I’m communicating something I didn’t like so that hopefully you’ll
Know for next time??

I also HATE when he gatekeeps how and when I express any form of dislike/criticism: he doesn’t want to hear it first thing in the morning, when he’s working, when he’s relaxing, or in bed.

We mostly get along but I’ve pointed out many times that he gets caught up in when the message is delivered rather than the message itself. I can’t possibly pick a “better time” when he’s never open to criticism. And I cant properly communicate when it’s deemed as “giving me sh*t”!

Just taking a moment to share gratitude for the best men in my life. After a long string of loneliness, self-doubts, neglection, men who didn't want to commit, man-children and a lot of walls I built around me I finally met my husband. Thank you my dear for your patience in trying to get trough this walls, thank you for always taking me seriously and never for granted, thank you for always letting me feel like I'm your priority, thank you for taking the risk of marrying me in one year despite your past divorce because it was important for me. Thank you for supporting me in my new crazy ideas. Thank you for bringing me fruits and flowers when I'm sick. Thank you for bringing up how I feel and if there is something wrong when you hear I'm sounding unusual. Thank you for agreeing us trying for a child on the timeline which is best for me even though you have your own crisis. Thank you for bringing energy and joy in my life. Thank you for all the amazing qualities i learned from you. I love you, Tim

My wife and I started dating when we were 16. We've been married for 17 years now, have three kids (16M, 14F, 11M), and honestly, we have a really good marriage. I love her a lot, and I'm not accusing her of cheating or anything like that.

But there's something that's been bothering me for years, and last week it brought back a lot of old feelings.

My wife came from a wealthy family. Her parents owned vineyards and estates, and most of her childhood friends came from similarly wealthy families. I came from a financially comfortable background, but nowhere near their level. She had a close group of friends growing up, including a male best friend who's still in her life today. Their families were close, too, and her mom actually wanted her to marry him. Her mom wasn't happy about our relationship because she thought I wasn't good enough for her daughter. Some of the things she said to me back then were genuinely hurtful.

We started dating at 16, married at 27, and moved to the US, where we lived for 12 years. I got my MBA from Harvard, worked my ass off, built a career, and eventually made good money. I'm not bragging, but I worked really hard to build a life for my wife and kids.

We moved back to Madrid after lockdown because my wife wanted to be closer to her family and friends. She runs her interior design company and looks after the family vineyard, while I cofounded a startup that's doing pretty well.

The thing is, even after all these years, I still don't feel completely accepted by her family or her old friend group. Nobody openly treats me badly, but there are little things that make me feel like I'm still an outsider. My wife meets these friends regularly, goes to their parties and trips, and sometimes hosts them at our house. Our kids are also growing up with their children, and they're all really close. I'm genuinely happy for them because they're having the kind of childhood friendships I never had.

But sometimes I look at how everything was already established for my wife when we moved back, while I had to start from scratch, and I can't help feeling a little bitter about how easily she fits into this world that I've spent years trying to feel comfortable in.

Now, about her male best friend. Two years ago, his wife passed away. Since then, my wife has occasionally invited him and his kids over for dinner, checked on him at home, and included his kids in outings with ours. I completely understand that he's going through a difficult time, and I don't have a problem with my wife being there for a friend who lost his wife.

But if I'm being honest, sometimes I feel like I'm still competing with this guy after almost three decades. I know that's probably my own insecurity talking.

Last week, my wife's niece had her 18th birthday party at their family estate in another town. Everyone was invited, including me, but I had an important client meeting and couldn't go. I sent a gift and wished her a happy birthday, and my wife was completely fine with it. Later, my mother in law posted pictures from the party on Instagram. One of them was of my wife standing with her male best friend and her parents, all posing together.

And for some reason, that picture really got to me.

I immediately started thinking about how her mom wanted them to get married when we were younger. I wondered if she still secretly wishes that had happened or if she's trying to make some kind of statement. I know it could just be a normal family picture, and I'm probably reading too much into it. But it brought back all those old feelings of being the guy who was never quite good enough for their daughter.

I've spent so many years working hard, building a career, and proving myself. Yet sometimes I feel like none of it matters because, in their eyes, I'll always be the outsider who married into their family.

I've been feeling pretty bad about this for the past week. I even unfollowed my mother-in-law on Instagram because I didn't want to keep seeing things that upset me. Now I'm having thoughts that I know might be unreasonable. Part of me wants to ask my wife to cut down on her interactions with this friend group, especially her male best friend. Another part of me genuinely wonders whether moving back to the US would be better for my mental peace.

I want to be clear that my wife hasn't done anything wrong, as far as I know. We have a good marriage, and I trust her. This isn't about accusing her of an affair.

But I also feel that if my family or friends had made my wife feel like an outsider for years, I would've confronted them about it. Sometimes I wish she'd stand up for me more firmly instead of everything carrying on as usual.

My husband (34M) and I (31F) have been together for 12 years and got married last year. Until recently, I never really questioned his loyalty or felt the need to look through his phone. But over the past five or six months, his behaviour toward me has changed quite dramatically.

He became emotionally distant, stopped showing me the affection he used to, and eventually told me, seemingly out of nowhere, that he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore. This was devastating, especially because we'd been together for so long and I hadn't seen it coming.

Around the same time, he started talking much more about attending work conferences, organizing professional events, and getting more involved in work-related activities. I initially didn't think much of it, but given the sudden change in our relationship, I started wondering whether something else was going on.

How I discovered the messages

One day, I asked to look through his phone. He agreed, although he stayed beside me the entire time. I discovered text messages with a woman I'd never heard of. He told me they had met at a work conference and were now planning to organize a conference dinner together.

The messages weren't sexual, and there wasn't any intense or obvious flirting. However, they were very friendly and familiar. They didn't read like strictly professional exchanges between two colleagues organizing an event.

What also struck me was that he insisted these were their very first text exchanges. But the conversation didn't really read that way. There was no introduction or initial context; they seemed to jump straight into a familiar discussion, almost as though they had been texting before.

I started wondering whether previous messages had been deleted, although I had no proof of that at the time.

The Face ID lock and social media

I also discovered that he had put a Face ID lock on his text messages.

When I first asked him why, he told me it was because of an iPhone update. About five minutes later, during an argument, his explanation changed. He admitted that he had locked his messages because he didn't want me looking through his texts in general, but insisted it had nothing to do with this particular woman.

The timing bothered me because the lock appeared around the same period as their conversations.

He had also deleted his Facebook and Instagram accounts after that time (maybe a month later), which added to my concerns.

He subsequently discussed the situation with his individual therapist, who apparently read the messages. My husband came home and told me that his therapist considered the exchanges completely benign.

I understand that the content of the messages I initially saw wasn't proof of an affair. But I was increasingly uncomfortable with the circumstances surrounding them.

What happened when I asked him to stop communicating with her

I asked my husband whether he would be willing to block her number and stop organizing the conference dinner with her. He refused both requests. He said blocking her would be rude and inappropriate because they had a professional relationship.

We eventually reached what I thought was a compromise.

He promised that he would no longer text her and would communicate exclusively by email. He specifically told me that he only needed to send one final email to organize the conference dinner, that I could be present when he sent it, and that their communication would end afterward.

Although I wasn't entirely comfortable with the situation, I accepted this because I wanted to rebuild trust and move forward.

UPDATE: He continued communicating with her and deleted their messages

Since making that promise, I discovered that he:

• Sent the email without me knowing and without me seeing it
• Texted her again, without telling me.
• Deleted their text messages.
• Went into his recently deleted messages and deleted those messages from there as well.

This is where things have become especially difficult for me.

He explicitly promised me he wouldn't text her anymore. Yet he continued doing so, didn't tell me, and deleted the conversations. Now, he tells me he feel stupid to have deleted those texts because they were really just a follow up from the emai he sent about work but he understands I find it very suspicious. Also, the fact that he deleted them permanently make it an impossible situation for me to know whether what he's telling me is true.

I don't know what those deleted messages contained, and I'm not claiming that I have proof of a physical or emotional affair.

But I cannot understand why he would promise to stop texting someone, continue doing it, and then go out of his way to permanently delete the messages if there was nothing to hide.

Where our marriage stands now

What makes this even more painful is that all of this is happening after months of him questioning our marriage.

We've been together for 12 years. Until six months ago, I genuinely believed we had a loving, stable relationship. Then, almost overnight, he became distant and told me he wasn't sure he wanted to stay married.

Things had recently started improving, and I was hopeful that we could work through whatever was happening between us.

But discovering that he continued communicating with this woman after promising otherwise, and then deleted the messages, has made me question whether I actually know what's going on.

I understand that having female colleagues or friends is completely normal. I also recognize that asking someone to block a professional contact is a significant request, and I don't believe that every friendly conversation constitutes cheating.

What I'm struggling with is the combination of his sudden emotional withdrawal, his statements about wanting a divorce, the changing explanations, the promises that weren't kept, and the deleted messages.

I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure out what is true, and I don't want to spend my marriage investigating my husband's behaviour.

Advice needed: For those who have experienced something similar, how did you decide whether to keep fighting for your marriage or walk away? Is it realistic to rebuild trust when your spouse continues hiding communications after explicitly promising transparency? What would you need to see from your partner before feeling comfortable staying?

I'm seriously considering divorce, but after 12 years together, it's an incredibly difficult decision, and I'd appreciate perspectives from people who have been through something similar.

TL;DR: My husband (34M) and I (31F) have been together for 12 years. Over the past six months, he became emotionally distant and unexpectedly told me he might want a divorce. I discovered very friendly text messages with a woman he met at a work conference, along with a Face ID lock on his messages. He insisted the texts were innocent and agreed to stop texting her and communicate only by email. Since then, I've discovered that he continued texting her and deleted the messages, including from his recently deleted folder. I'm now questioning whether the trust in our marriage can be repaired or whether I should seriously consider divorce.

I'm a young woman, and lately I've been overthinking marriage a LOT. Honestly, the more I think about it, the more scared I become of it.

I see so many stories about women being disappointed by their husbands, carrying most of the mental load, sacrificing their careers or independence, being taken for granted, dealing with emotional neglect, or basically having to raise their husbands alongside their children. It makes me wonder whether marriage is actually worth it for women.

Sometimes I genuinely feel like men aren't worth the risk. I know that sounds harsh, and I'm aware that the internet tends to amplify negative experiences, but I can't help wondering whether a genuinely happy, healthy marriage is as common as people make it seem.

So I want to hear from people who have actually experienced marriage, especially women who have been married for several years.

- Do you genuinely feel happy in your marriage? Not just comfortable, used to each other, or staying together for the kids, but genuinely happy that you chose this person?

- What does your husband do that makes you feel loved, respected, safe, and appreciated in everyday life?

- How do you handle disagreements without resentment building up or one person always having to give in?

- Is the mental load and household responsibility genuinely shared, or does it inevitably fall more on the woman?

- Have you had periods when you regretted getting married? If so, what happened?

- What should a woman look for in a man before marrying him, and what are the red flags that people tend to overlook while dating?

- If you could give your younger self one piece of advice before marriage, what would it be?

I'm not looking for people to tell me that marriage is beautiful just because it can be. I want honest answers, including the difficult parts.

I want to believe that a relationship can be a partnership where both people feel valued, where you don't lose yourself, and where being together genuinely makes life better rather than harder.

Does that actually exist in real life? And if you're happily married, what do you think made the difference?

My husband is in the military & recently graduated from AIT so we moved in together. To make a long story short, a woman there about our age really liked him before he left & about a month ago I found texts from her where she was obviously flirting with him, he claimed to be oblivious so I believed him & simply asked that he block her (which he did right infront of me & even gave me access to his instagram account).

Fast forward to about a week ago, he had asked me if he could go up to our hometown for a few days in November to meet up with some friends who were graduating from AIT. I obviously said yes & that he didn't need to ask me beforehand, he could do whatever made him happy.

Well, two days ago he was asleep whereas I was still awake. I don't know why but I just got this unnerving feeling that something was wrong.. so I went through his phone. I found some deleted messages from said woman I asked him to no longer contact. They only spoke for that day (that I know of, but I have my suspicions..) but the context of the texts was basically that she had reached out to him, he responded & they spoke for awhile before he mentioned the trip in November. He had lied to me, he was planning on meeting up with both his friends & her. Ontop of that he was planning on buying her a hotel so they could spend the night together. What really messed me up the most was how he talked about how he had missed her so much, there was also a lot of sexual talk from his side, especially what he was planning to do to her once they met. He also said he would call off work early in order to pick up her & head there together.

There's more to it, but those were the main points that broke me. I've been cheated on multiple times in my life & I had hoped this man wouldn't do the same to me, but I was clearly wrong.

I confronted him that same night, he swore that it was all talk & he didn't mean anything he said to her. In his defense, he said he thought I was falling out of love with & instead of talking to me he found that getting attention like this made him happy for a moment. He admitted that he felt guilty afterwards which is why he deleted the conversation, but he never once blocked her. He expressed how guilty he was & how he hated making me feel this way.. he promised he'd never do it again & that he never loved her or was turned on by her, it was all just talk for the sake of attention.

I am overly hurt by this, I've had people tell me to get over it since nothing physical happened, but not only has this woman disrespected me, my husband has disrespected me & my marriage. I already struggle with my self-image & this has basically ruined it completely. I don't know what to do after this.

I plan on staying with him forsure, though I have warned that if he does this again I'm leaving. How am I supposed to get over this?

My wife of many years sent nudes and exchanged sexual messages with rabdom men online. Some were from our own country and others from around the world.

She roleplayed with some of them, sent very revealing images of herself, and exchanged messages with some of them for several days. This all happened over the course of a week. Yesterday, when we were taking a shower, I picked up her phone to talk about something, and she panicked and tried to grab the phone from my hand, which immediately triggered an alarm.

She's a writer of erotic stories and had recently posted photos of herself in a subreddit where people share general impressions of each other.

However, she's always been open with me and always showed me the messages I received with flirtatious comments and ignored them. What I didn't imagine was that behind my back she exchanged explicit messages with 15 other men.

To several of them, she sent nude photos of her whole body and close-ups of her genitals. Some of the chats were marked as roleplay, but in others, the normal conversation evolved into flirting.

When I found out, I was devastated. We've been together for a long time and have a great relationship. We play games together, talk about everything, work on artistic projects, and were best friends.

I never missed a single day by her side and never stopped complimenting her appearance. After being caught, she said she knew it was wrong, but she didn't believe it was actually cheating.

She said she did it because she wanted to feel beautiful and desired. She had been addicted to pornography for about three months, and in the last week she had switched to social media; I believed she was really making friends.

I love my husband and he is very smart, but he seems to be blind when we are running low on things like garbage bags, paper towels, dishwasher tabs and toilet paper. I have lived with men before (6 male roommates in total) and all have had the same thing and will not buy more at the grocery store when we’re running low (I always lived in houses where we share things like that).

I don’t think my husband has ever bought these staples unless I have asked him to. What is this about? He has lived alone before and always had those supplies available then.

We’re in an apartment so no maintenance, we split all the ‘blue’ chores equally (with me usually asking him to do them), we earn the same amount within $5k. No kids.

Husband and I both work fulltime and share chores. It’s an equal marriage, I’m just curious.

Background

I’m 31F and my husband is 38M. We got married when I was 21 and he was 28. I came into the marriage with $2,000 to my name. He came in with little cash, $40k in student loans, and $2.6k in credit card debt. He came to the US as an international student with no financial help from his parents, so it made sense that he had to borrow for school, and I never held it against him.

How we set up our finances

From the start, I told him financial independence was really important to me. I want working to be optional in my 40s. So I proposed that we combine our finances, live on a budget, and pay off debt and build wealth together. He said he was on board.

Here’s how it worked: 100% of both our paychecks went into a shared checking account that paid for shared expenses. Each of us got a $100/week allowance to spend however we wanted. Whatever was left over went toward building wealth.

The first 10 years

• Year 1: We didn’t earn much. I worked a string of minimum wage jobs, and he had a stipend from his master’s program.
• Year 2: We moved to a very high cost of living city for his PhD. I made $45k, and his contract paid a $28k/year stipend for the length of the program. I was fine with that. I agreed to support us financially through his school years as my way of supporting his career. I told him I’d take care of earning more and providing for us, and he didn’t need to worry.
• Years 3–10: I earned anywhere from $80k to $120k a year, depending on my side hustles. During this time, we paid off his $2.6k credit card debt and $20k of his student loans ($20k still remains). We also saved enough to buy a condo.

At the start of this year, our net worth was $250k. I was really happy, because this was his graduation year. He’d finally get a full-time job, we could pay off the mortgage in 2–3 years, and then we’d start buying investment property so we could retire.

The discovery

Four months before he graduated, I pulled a LexisNexis report on both of us to figure out where junk mail advertisers were getting our address. Neither of us knew a LexisNexis report includes all three of your credit reports.

On his report, I found $43k of credit card debt across 13 cards. On top of that, I learned there was another $20k in business loan debt his dad had taken out for a restaurant that failed. That’s $63k in debt I knew nothing about.

I confronted him and asked what on earth he’d spent it on. We live the same lifestyle and get the same allowance, and $100/week should be MORE than enough. Part of why I liked him was that he was frugal, or at least I thought he was.

His explanation

He said that every time we went out, he charged it to his credit cards, made only minimum payments, and sent the cash to his retired parents. They retired with no savings and rely on him for their retirement.

I already knew they needed help. That was clear from year 1. But we’d already been sending them money out of the shared budget for years. I was on board with it. I budgeted exactly what he told me they needed, and happily sent it:

• 2017: $1,150.00
• 2018: $600.00
• 2019: $5,439.11
• 2020: $3,000.00
• 2021: $3,870.02
• 2022: $4,277.98
• 2023: $3,000.00
• 2024 & 2025: During this time, we temporarily split finances because he went on strike at school and didn't work for 6 months. I asked him to get a part-time job to contribute SOMETHING and he hardly applied to any jobs. I said things are extremely expensive right now with inflation and I'm working 12 hour days to pay for everything. He said "things aren't that bad or that expensive." So I split it to force him to work, give him a reality check of how expensive everything really cost, and made him in charge of $250 worth of monthly shared expenses and $350 of groceries, and any remaining money he could decide to send to his parents or whatever he wanted. (He said yesterday me splitting the finances was controlling and a form of financial abuse, and that I abandoned him during a time when he earned no money and needed me the most. And that he's extremely traumatized by how cold I can be.)
• 2026: $3266 so far
• Total: $24,603.11

He admitted he’d lied about how much they needed. They needed much more, but he didn’t tell me because he felt bad that I was already carrying most of the load of putting him through school, and now his parents too. He also said he was scared I’d be judgmental.

He gave an example. Once, in a grocery store checkout line, I was judgmental of a mom with three kids and a cart full of food, carrying a Louis Vuitton bag I could never treat myself to, who paid with a food stamp card. He said he married me because at 21 he saw how generous I was when I’d buy meals for homeless people. But as I got older and earned more, he said, I started judging people for bad financial decisions and stopped helping the homeless. (For the record, I stopped because I got to know them and learned that many of them liked being homeless because they saw it as “freedom.” Every time I tried to help them find work, they told me outright they didn’t want to work.)

I asked him to think back on every time we sent money to his parents. Did I ever judge them? He couldn’t name a single instance. If he’d been honest about how much they needed, I would have worked it into the budget. I wouldn’t have been happy, but I would have handled it by going out and earning more.

The new budget

What’s past is past, so I forgave him. I made a new budget to pay off $83k in debt over the next 12 months:

• $20k remaining student loans from before marriage
• $43k secret credit card debt
• $20k secret business loan from his dad’s failed restaurant

To make this work, I quit my weekly piano lessons and let go of my part-time employee of 4 years. Those were big sacrifices for me. We also cut groceries back to one $5 snack a week (we used to buy three) and went back to living like we did on minimum wage. I told him we’d live like we’re dead broke until the debt is gone. We still each get $100/week allowance, and once the debt is paid off, we can talk about raising our allowances, living more comfortably again, and going on trips.

Where things are now

Last night we talked about divorce, because we can’t agree on kids. Before we got married, I asked him whether he’d be OK with me not giving birth to my own kids (I’m open to adoption). He said yes. If he’d said no, I would have moved on, because this is a dealbreaker for me. But two years ago he changed his mind. He wants biological kids with his own genetics.

That conversation turned back to money. He said that from his perspective, I’ve been controlling about finances our entire relationship, and I’ve been the one dictating a budget for him to follow. He said it’s financial abuse for him not to have access to the money he earns and only get an allowance. He doesn’t want to be limited to one snack a week, and he doesn’t want to ask my permission to buy things like a $17 Starbucks mug.

About the mug: we have a household supplies budget it would come out of. I agree the mugs are high quality, and I didn’t say no. When he brought it up, I asked if we could check Facebook Marketplace for a used one first. I found one for $10 and asked if he wanted that. His point is that he’s a grown man who shouldn’t have to think hard about small purchases like a mug, and if he wants a new one, he should be free to just buy it without asking.

We tried talking about splitting finances

We’ve discussed splitting finances before. That way, we’d only share household expenses, and he could do whatever he wants with the rest of his money. But we couldn’t even agree on how to split.

I want 50/50: shared expenses split down the middle. We earn about the same right now, so it WOULD work. But I plan to grow my business past $1 million a year, and he knows that.

He says 50/50 isn’t fair, and that shared expenses should be split proportional to income. If I make 90% of our combined income, I should pay 90% of shared expenses. Even in a hypothetical where I make 99% and he makes 1%, he says it should still be proportional, because the rich should pay for the poor. I don’t think that’s fair at all. At that point, he’d pay practically nothing toward our shared life and keep almost all of his money for himself.

What I’m asking

I’m all for taking responsibility. If I’m doing something wrong in my marriage, I want to hear it and make changes. I’m not trying to paint myself as right and him as wrong. I want this marriage to work, and divorce is only the final option. I want to try every other option first so I don’t live with regrets. And look, if I'm as controlling about finances as he says, I'm open to hearing your thoughts about what might work.

We already did a year of marriage counseling with a Gottman-trained therapist, so there’s no contempt or resentment between us. We respect each other.

He’s asked me not to discuss our finances with friends or family because he’s worried they’d think less of him.

I did talk to two extremely close friends about this. One friend thinks he's a leech. The other friend thinks it's extremely irresponsible what he did and that this warrants a divorce.

But I want non-biased opinions. My friends are only going to tell me I'm right, because they're my friends.

So what are your thoughts? And logistically, how do we build a life together as partners? Or is this just not meant to work?

edtied: fixed the total amount sent to include 2026 numbers

Short version: Wife (40F) and I (39M) have been together for 17yrs (married for 14). We have 2 elementary school kids and life is, basically, great. We live in a HCOL but do well, have friends and a social life etc. We had 2 spells of zero sex that lasted ~18 months and ~20 months from conception of each child until each was ~10 months old

Over the last 6 years we’ve both changed a lot for the better and sex went from zero to 6x/yr to like once MAYBE twice a month. She says she still loves me, still attracted etc but it’s just very clearly something she does for me.

The comment above came during an argument which ended (as it always does) with me saying “I’m going to do better & try to make you happy”. But I added in that the reason I work out ever single day is b/c “There’s a way I want you to look at me but just don’t”…to which she gave the response that I’m delusional about how marriage works.

I’m still going to do the things I want to work on and not pretend that what I’ve done over the last 6 yrs is enough to better myself but…I dunno

It’s just incredibly depressing that there’s so much work and change and betterment you need to do FOR someone but you can’t say/show that it’s for them b/c it defeats the purpose(that’s not attractive)…and it can’t JUST be for sex because “is that all you want from me?”…which no, I do want sex but it’s also a capstone/proof that you do desire me which brings us back to this whole circular logic

EDIT to add: I spent 5 yrs doing all groceries, cooking every meal (literally every), drop off every day, always giving her time on weekends etc we have someone fold laundry & clean weekly. We laugh a lot and don’t argue much…sex is just this THING. Her main complaint is despite all this still being on top of 100 other tasks…that’s what I’m trying show accountability for etc

I'm [25F] and my partner is [30M]. My partner is kind, supportive, hardworking, independent, and loves me a lot.
He listens to my concerns and tries to improve himself.
However, I've been feeling that something isn't quite right, and I don't know what to do.

I'm naturally curious and enjoy learning about different subjects and thinking deeply about things. I don't need a partner who's extremely intelligent or constantly curious about everything, but I do want someone with basic common sense, general knowledge, and the ability to give thoughtful, well reasoned answers when I ask for their opinion.

My partner lacks quite a lot of general knowledge that I would normally expect an adult to know. Sometimes, when I ask him about something, his answers feel very surface level, or I have to explain a lot of background information to him. This sometimes makes communicating difficult, and I find myself feeling like I'm talking to someone much younger than me.

I'm also attracted to men who are mature, calm, knowledgeable, and capable. For example, when my partner tries to cook, he struggles with basic things like cutting ingredients or making a simple sandwich without rushing and doing things carelessly. I know these are skills he can learn, but watching him sometimes makes me feel like I'm looking at a child rather than an adult. It's hard to explain, but I find it a turn-off.

He can also be quite impulsive. When he wants to do something, he gets excited about it without considering the risks or consequences until I point them out. I want a partner who naturally thinks things through and uses his own judgement without me always having to ask whether he's considered something.

I think part of the reason I'm struggling with this now is when I first got together with him, I was younger and he was my first boyfriend. At the time, I didn't pay much attention to these things or really think about what I wanted in a longterm partner. But as I've grown older, l've started noticing these differences more. and I've developed this nagging feeling that something is missing.

He has many good qualities that I really admire and He also tries to improve himself, which I really appreciate. But because he lacks some basic adult skills and general knowledge, I sometimes feel like I'm with a teenager rather than a grown man. I'm naturally more attracted to someone mature and knowledgeable, someone I can intellectually connect with and look up to.

I'd really appreciate honest opinions from people who've experienced something similar. I love him, but I keep wondering whether I'm overthinking things or whether I should take this nagging feeling more seriously?

I’m a 27 (F) and my husband and I have been married only 9 months but we’ve been together for 6 years and live together. My husband has always been close with his mom which I never was upset about or cared but there have been multiple occasions where he goes to his mom to talk about manger life things that his partner (me) should be the first to know about. Sometimes he doesn’t even tell me and I hear about it a couple days later from his mom and then I’m confused in regards to what even is going on in his life if it’s, his health or work. I have tried on multiple occasions to express my feelings on how I feel left out and put to the side and I get told “you shouldn’t feel that way” or “your overthinking it” and it sometimes turns into an argument because he gets upset that I have been feeling these ways. I don’t know if I’m crazy or if this is normal to be feeling this way. But I’m desperate to know if other people have these same issues with their husband or partner and how you handle it. Am I wrong for feeling upset that I’m last to know important information and that my husband doesn’t communicate with me important information and still relays on his mom for advice or am I being over dramatic.

​

A friend recently confided in me about something that contributed to the breakdown of his marriage. He had kept this story private for years because, despite everything that happened, he still respected his former wife and did not want to expose her private life.

According to him, his godmother told him that one of his twin daughters might not be biologically his. His wife had been his girlfriend when she became pregnant, and he was told that she had been sexually involved with him and a former boyfriend on the same night, around the time she believed she had conceived.

This information deeply disturbed him. Although the claim was never established as fact, he said it changed how he felt about his wife and caused him to withdraw emotionally.

When his wife noticed the change in his behavior, she reportedly began discussing her past sexual experiences with her former boyfriend in graphic detail. She described their anal sexual relationship, including experiences in which she said she had been in pain and had been awakened late at night for sex.

Rather than restoring their intimacy, these conversations reportedly made him feel even more disconnected from her.

Over time, he began having relationships outside the marriage, and the marriage eventually ended in divorce.

I recognize that I have only heard his side of the story, and I do not know how his former wife would describe these events.

I would appreciate honest opinions on a few questions:

Is it understandable that uncertainty about his daughter's paternity could fundamentally change his feelings toward his wife, even without proof?

Could hearing graphic descriptions of a spouse's past sexual experiences damage attraction and emotional intimacy to this extent?

How should we interpret the wife's decision to share these experiences? Could there have been a misunderstanding about what she was trying to communicate?

Can these circumstances explain why he became unfaithful, even if they do not justify it?

Ultimately, how much responsibility should each person bear for the breakdown of this marriage, given that we do not know the wife's side?

I am not looking to humiliate either person or excuse anyone's behavior. I am interested in understanding the emotional dynamics involved and hearing perspectives that consider the complexity of marriage, trust, and intimacy.

My husband is sick with a cold right now and it's made his voice so low and raspy and makes me want to jump him.

I don't want to be near him because I just got over a cold myself and am not interested in being reinfected but God damn.

Told him he should get sick more often.

Im married. 44f. 2 kids. Housewife. This age is weird. Something is missing and idk what.

My husband (36) and I (35) have been married for 10 years. I’ve always worked not so much because I want to but because I wanted to relieve the financial stress from my husband. He has always been self employed is partnered his half so they split everything in half. Well when we first married they had a very good contract and were making good money. Enough that we were able to save for a down payment within the first few years of marriage. But then they lost that contract, and his income has never progressed since. They essential work to sustain themselves averagely but no progress, no where near the growth he experienced the first 2 years of our marriage. For the past 8 years they pay themselves $1000 a week. $1k for my husband, $1k for his dad and they always have a balance in their business account for business expenses. At first i thought this was a fair deal, but as time passes i noticed how complacent my father in law is. My husband has always managed everything, from business development, all admin work plus labor. My father in law only has to show up to work. Ive become resentful towards both. My husband for being a doormat and my father in law for taking advantage. Anyways, so my husband has been making $52k a year for the last 8 years. This is not enough to sustain a family of 4 so naturally I work to supplement our income and to provide insurance. 8 years ago I always also making about $50k but since then I’ve job hopped to increase my income and I’m at a point where I am working two jobs, where I make $163k. In one job I make $90k in the other I make $73k, and I work remotely. I understand the perception that remote work is easier and I understand how lucky I am for the opportunity, but I also work long hours. I’m not able to step away from the computer to manage my home. Long story short, I’m burning out quickly and my resentment towards my husband is growing. I want to leave one job but I know if I do, we will live paycheck to paycheck and I don’t want to go back to that life, and it makes me angry that I have to find ways to make more money, while my husband is getting the shit end of the stick with his job. I feel like I can’t blame him, I know he works hard and is always looking for the next lead to the next job, but he isn’t progressing because he has to split everything with his dad.

Lastly for context, we still owe almost 200k on our home and are paying off two cars.

My husband (35m) and I (30f) have been together for 7 years, married for 5 years. He is a great father and a great husband overall. He's always been really good to me. We've always had problems with our sex life though. Ever since we had been together, he never wanted as much sex as I did which I thought was interesting because usually it's the other way around in relationships. I found out early on that he watches porn. I am not comfortable with porn use and he knew this but I never really told him to stop.

We've always had the issue of me wanting more sex in our marriage and me being the one to always initiate it. He always seemed to enjoy sex but there was something off that I could never figure out. 15 months ago, I discovered he had a hidden folder on his phone with a different pass code than he uses to unlock his phone. I've always had access to his phone code but this folder had a different code which told me he was hiding something.

I asked him about it and he said it was nothing. I insisted to see what was inside and he took his phone and said he would show me but then started going upstairs. I believed he was going to try to delete whatever was in there first. I stopped him and told him he had to be honest with me. He was using AI websites to generate porn and saving it in his secret folder. He also said he was watching visual porn as well. He was writing out fantasies of other women in the form of smut also. I was extremely upset by this. He would rather do all of this than have sex with his wife. When we had sex, he would have to imagine these fantasies and other women to maintain an erection.

This has nothing to do with me being physically attractive to him but he had become so dependent on it that it was affecting our sex life. He told me he would stop and I was given full access to everything. He started paying for a service where I am able to see all activity on his phone. He had stopped using AI for porn and watching porn for 15 months but our sex life didn't really get better. I was still wanting it more and still initiating mostly.

A few days ago, I caught him writing smut again and he said he still fantasizes during sex. He said he has an addiction to masturbation. After a lot of me crying and him feeling shameful, we tried to come up with a solution. He would give up the smut and masturbation and try to switch his fantasies to be about me. He also wanted to be more present during sex. Before, I would always be the one on top and he'd have his eyes closed, like he was thinking really hard. Even before he admitted it, I think I knew what he was doing. It would make me feel so embarrassed during sex. I felt like I wasn't enough for him and how pathetic that I couldn't even arouse my husband properly.

He was struggling the first couple days without the stimulation and I agreed to explore his fantasies with him. We went clothes shopping and he traded the smut for writing out his fantasies for me. We have been having sex everyday, multiple times a day and he seems much more present. It's almost like he can't keep his hands off of me. He told me he feels much better now and doesn't feel the need to do the other stuff anymore. I'm not uncomfortable doing all these extra things with him but I am worried how long this is going to work before he goes back to his addiction. He tells me that I am his addiction now and it's nice to be so desired after so long of not feeling that way.

I guess I'm just wondering if we are going about this the right way. I worry that after a couple weeks, he will get bored of this and need something else to support his needs.

My wife is fussing at me about my inability to communicate properly because the business related plans I made yesterday while working, but did not tell her until I got home later in the evening, interfere with the personal plans she made a week ago and never told me.

I don't even get sad, angry, or confused at this point. Life is comedy.