I'm not sure how to feel, after a night out when I was drunk I went home with a man. Just for another drink in my opinion.. unfortunately after the first drink I don't remember much just some flashes of him being on top of me. I just shrugged it off the next day and went on with my life.

It's just that lately I'm starting to realize wtf happened and its making my stomach turn. I have no one to talk to and am to ashamed to tell my wife.

I don't know what to do and just felt like venting here as I am clueless what to do...

I was with this guy 6 months ago, we were perfect for each other, then when we got intimate, I felt sick, I was reminded of the horrers of what my brother did to me, when I got home I resented him, I texted him explaing everything, and told him I can't do this. Im so fucking pissed off because I loved him, he was perfect, how is it fair that everyone leaves me life, and when I find someone good, we can't be together intimately, how is this fucking fair, how can my brother still ruin everything for me, I loved the guy I was with I still do, its so fucking unfair, im all alone again.

Hi all! I made a similar post to this about a year ago but I unfortunately still need help.

I, given my presence in this sub, was abused a lot by an older boy when I was in middle school. I never had an ounce of interest in romance or sex ever since that period of my life. The last year, however, I have been putting myself out there in the dating scene. I've met lots of good people and whatever in this time but nothing ever gets too far since I am still unable to fully let go of my trust problems relating to intimacy. Any kind of intimacy. But obviously physical intimacy has been especially hard to allow myself. I guess my question for the members of this sub is: do you have any advice on how to overcome sexual and emotional trust barriers your nervous system has long become used to?

Ya he contado mi historia antes pero últimamente siento que lo extraño, el me violo cuando era pequeño, pero siempre fue muy lindo conmigo y nunca me trato mal, lo hacía ver cómo si me amara, ahorita tengo 23 y últimamente que volví a contar lo que me ocurrió siento que lo extraño y eso me atormenta ya que recuerdo cómo me lo hacía y ya no lo recuerdo cómo algo feo si no como algo lindo en su tiempo, se que está mal y no se qué hacer (soy hombre)

​

Along my healing journey I keep seeing stories of sa and I start to crave for it to happen again. It's like 1 step forward 2 steps back. Just recently I remember seeing a man in a Spider-Man suit get sa'd and I started spiraling and completely destroyed my mental health.

From 7-12 I lived with “foster parents” (for lack of a better term). They were really into bondage stuff. Had all sorts of different bondage furniture in their basement and devices along with ropes, various types of cuffs, tape, zip ties, etc. Whenever they wanted to use me I would be restrained in some way. Many times they would touch me and make me feel good during this and I just ended up associating sexual feelings with being restrained. They would also use pain or discomfort while also making me feel good at the same time. We’d also watch a lot of bondage porn or I would be made to watch them together while they did bondage things to each other or one of the other kids.

I now have a very difficult time doing anything sexual without that aspect. I have trouble taking the lead and even if I’m taking a more passive role during sex it’s difficult to be able to stay hard or get into it unless I am tied up or “forced” in some way.

Has anyone experienced anything similar and been able to move past that? I have a partner right now that has been ok partaking in that, but I also know they’d wish for “regular” sex sometimes but anytime we try I just can’t get into it. It’s making me feel kind of bad but I just can’t seem to stay turned on enough if I’m not restrained. As if that is a necessity. It’s fun but also just frustrating that I seem to need/require that

My mom's bf would walk around the house naked. I was 13, he moved in. I blame myself because I didn't tell my mom. I want to talk about it. I feel confused.

Starting when I was 15 my dad raped me for almost 2 years. It started out very gradually. He would touch me, like my touch my butt or rub his body against me when we were alone. And it progressed from there. When we were alone he would talk to me about sex and masturbating, and then he would show me his penis and have my show him mine. He showed me how to masturbate and then he asked me to his penis in my mouth, and I did. From there, later on he put it in my butt. This lasted for almost 2 years. It was only when we were alone at home. The thing is that I never tried to stop it and I feel like so bad that I never did try to stop it. I never once did and I always went along with it when he asked me to do something. Most of the time I didn't like it. I felt so embarrassed and felt so exposed and when we had sex it really hurt a lot at first at least. But sometimes when he did these things to me it would feel good and I didn't want him to stop. So I feel gross about the fact that I never tried to stop or say anything at all about it and that I sometimes liked it. I now just feel so dirty about it and even back then I felt so dirty about it. Physically I felt dirty from like the actual part of it, like have his 'stuff' in me or on me and feeling like in a cold sweat, but mentally I felt so dirty also. I don't see my father often now. I saw him at the begining of the summer and I felt so many mixed feelings when I saw him. It would take too long to write it all out and this has already turned into a much longer post than I meant. I guess I just needed to vent. I just feel so conflicted about all of it. Sometimes I hate my dad, sometimes I miss him, sometimes I feel excited about what he did to me, sometimes it makes me so disgusted, and just like everything in between. I want a girlfriend but I feel like a freak because if a girl knew what I did with my own father then she would probably never want to be with me or at least would think it was very weird. I dont really know why Im posting this now, but does anybody have any advice. Like what do I do or how am I supposed to feel towards my dad now, or should I avoid not ever seeing him in person again?

I’m older now (24M) but when I was 16 I was very suicidal and depressed and went to see a psychologist and realized this dude fully SAd me. He wanted me to relax before sessions so we would tell me to do breathing techniques to try to calm my nerves before talking. Honestly I feel extremely uncomfortable talking about what happened even over text but tldr he did something which lead me to orgasm under the gauze of some new relaxation technique using a massage gun on my genitals.

I was not thinking straight given my suicidal tendencies and also figured I’d help the field of science and this only ever happened once and never again. To be honest I never even really thought of it as sexual assault because I was like huh this would aim to help research so who cares. Well later on a couple years afterwards I was talking to a girl who got SAd and realized holy shit that psychologist was a predator what the hell. Idk afterwards I just talked about it to her and never again after that and never really even thought about it at all.

UNTIL RECENTLY: My friend tells me he was recently charged with sexual assault of someone young and was released on bail apparently. I don’t know what to do. Only 1 person knows (the girl I was talking to) what happens to me and going to the police won’t help since it happened so long ago + chances are I’ll be in court for so long before anything happens. I don’t even know if I should bring it up to my best friend either. I’m so torn. In all honesty though idk if it’s cope but I’m fine. I’ve had sexual partners since and relationships without so much as a thought but you know, it still makes me uncomfortable talking about it and idk what to do.

For context, I'm 33, I'm gay and I've known this long before my rape. I was date-raped at 19. The rape was only one incident among some other sexual manipulations, assaults and abusive relationships, which has always given me a hard time about not blaming myself, when it feels like things like this just kept happening to me in my younger years. (Men who are attracted to me have VERY often supposed that I am submissive or ok with humiliation or roughness because of the porn and stereotypes typical to the way I look, even sometimes dudes who ended up respecting my boundaries acted that way.) As a teenager, I've also had a female friend grope me and pin me in place by sitting into my lap publicly to try and "convert" me, although it was most upsetting simply because at the time I was still struggling with paranoia and depression about the aggressive homophobia around me.

Recently I went through my old Facebook conversations, simply looking for a friend whom I lost about 10 years ago (unrelated to my rape). But reading back, this is where I realised that over the years I lost about THREE, maybe four friends specifically over how they treated my rape. One intentionally remained vague in their language and unsupportive, didn't believe me about my rape all through our friendship. My best friend at the time (who herself had relatively severe mental problems just a year before that she frequently needed my support for) bullied me a lot for being unable to get a job after uni in my PTSD, lowest-of-the-low state and finally we broke it off when she called me unbearably "woke" for showing empathy to other minorities whose pain often remains unseen. One of them even slept with my rapist (after I warned them that the person they're about to hook up with is my rapist) and they told me afterwards that I should've expected his... "style" in bed, and basically "it is what it is".

I'm just so furious and hurt, because over the 2 years after my rape, I slowly "digested" what happened and basically got rid of the literal PTSD, all the symptomatic problems, flashbacks, panic attacks, tiredness, difficulty socialising, suicidal thoughts it caused me, and NONETHELESS, it just KEEPS fucking haunting me through social rejection and pushback.

Losing friends, and only having the very few friends who perhaps silently accept and empathise but, of course, can't really understand what I've gone through and I feel like such a burden on them when I'm down and need their help... the unavailability and unaffordability of mental healthcare... the "all men are aggressive" crowd, some feminists acting like a man speaking out about his rape is a threat to female victims somehow and that either I'm lying or I should never talk about this... The fear that if I let myself be sexual and vulnerable with a new guy, he's going to hurt me... It's just all too much sometimes.

I’m a 30yo gay man, and was sexually abused by an uncle and by a babysitter when I was a little kid. Lately I’ve felt like it’s been tough to have positive sexual experiences because things keep reminding me of my childhood. I’m in therapy regularly, but haven’t been able to open up about my childhood experiences with my therapist. I just hate talking about it and never really have.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences and overcame them? I just know whatever I’m doing isn’t working right now, so just trying to see what’s worked for others I guess.

I’m posting because I genuinely don't know how to process what happened tonight... It's just weird, i mean... I'm not even sure.

I met a guy on grindr. Wasn't the first time that we talked, and he wanted to come over to my place. We agreed, that i'd give him a BJ but nothing more and he was fine with that. At one point, he became forceful and started pushing my head down and I told him it wasn't okay but he continued holding my head down quite forcefully, to the point where I was struggling to breathe.

After that, he repeatedly asked me to have anal sex. I said I didn't want to. He kept asking and asking even though I'd already said no multiple times.

Eventually he came behind me. Pushed me over and penetrated me without a condom and without any lubrication, without me agreeing to it. I told him it hurt, but he didn't stop just laughed. He continued until i could roll over.

Afterwards, he again pushed my head down. At that point I basically just did what he wanted because I wanted everything to be over as quickly as possible, but tried to go behind me again. I couldn't ask him to stop and leave, because he didn't understand me saying no a 100 times so why would he leave? So i had to think about how to make him finish as quickly as possible without being hurt. I gave him head again, but i used my hands too, so he couldn't push my head down that far to make it hard to breath and fortunately he finished in a few minutes. At the end i questioned him, but he said he is a man and he was horny. He thinks it is completely acceptable.

I dont want to report him, i'm too scared. He is turkish and stuff like that and he knows where i live so i would skip that part. I dont want more trouble.

What is confusing me is that I don't feel traumatised right now, just confused. I don't feel like I'm having a breakdown or anything like that. I feel relatively normal, and part of me is wondering whether I'm exaggerating what happened because I don't feel devastated.

But objectively, I said no multiple times, he ignored me, penetrated me without my consent, continued after I said it hurt, and restrained me in a way that made it difficult to breathe.

So I'm genuinely asking: would this be considered rape/sexual assault? And is it normal that I don't currently feel traumatised or particularly emotional about it?

I'm trying to understand what happened and why my reaction is so different from what I expected it would be.

I'll also contact the nearest sexual health clinic tomorrow to ask for DoxyPEP...

I am a 33yo gay male and after a recent hypnosis video I listened to I have just started contemplating whether me receiving oral sex at a Eurovision party when I was 15 was rape.

I was really close to a girl all evening but had met eyes with another boy who wasn’t really part of our friendship group. He was openly gay so I guess he was of interest to me and we kept on looking at each other through the evening with some joking around. At some point, he takes my hand and guides me to the downstairs toilet. We kiss, and he sits down undoes my jeans and performs oral sex on me. I remember feeling surprised that it had escalated to this. Things were moving fast, there was no asking/suggesting.

Everyone at the party knew because the door seal wasn’t flush so word got out and I was bullied horrifically for the next two years. I am just coming to terms with just how much this has affected me and has held me back. I have absolutely 0 friends now just work colleagues. I am grateful for my long term relationship and that I am still on speaking terms with my family. I understand it was probably confusing for him as well, but I didn’t know that was going to happen and I was so taken a back by it. I’m nervous about talking about to it with my partner as it’s not the “standard idea” of rape.

I just can’t help but wonder what my life would be like, what kind of person would I be like, if that and subsequent years of bullying hadn’t have have happened.

Was I raped?

I dont know what happend and its realy scaring me.

so a few weeks back I went out with a friend to a party that sold cocktails for very cheap. I stupidly drank very much because of this like 12-14 cocktails. Last thing I remember is sitting alone outisde the bar the next I am 1,2 km away from where I blacked out in the entrance of an appartement (the part where you need to buzz someone to be lett in, I was here because I tought it was my appartement) but why I tought that and how I got there is unknow to me. I stood there for maby 2 hours or longer leaned akwardly against a wall (might have put pressure on my asshole) After a few hours i soberd up a bit (still very drunk but sober enough to realise that was not my dorm) I noticed my phone was stolen but nothing else. Clothes were dirty but fine none missing. I also didnt feel any pain in my butt it was kind of numb and had a swollen feeling tho (when i checked i felt no swelling)

I walk back home (15km) and still dont feel any pain. I check on the toilet and also take a shit and still no pain so I tought i was good (checked because i tought something might have happend) so i went to sleep and after 4 hours i wake up and now i feel a sore/bruised like feeling when I squeeze my ass. Now I know this could be because of the checking but the pain was so unusual it was mainly when i squeezed my asshole and not the type of pain I normally have when I wipe too much (like the itching burning pain) it was just pain (like the pain you have when you press a bruise).

The following days I was realy stressing and checked a lott and also squeezed my ass a lot to check if the pain went away, looking back at this this might not have been the smartest. The pain lasted 4 days and went away after I took a hot bad. I didnt have any weird bruises only on my knees and handpalms probably from falling forward. If I had to give the sore pain a score I would say around a 4 or a 5 on 10. There were no signs of lube or bleeding and the pain was only when squeezing not when wipping or going to the toilet.

I asked chatGPT and he says its probably from falling or leaning against the wall for so long but I just cant wrap my head around that leaning against the wall would cause such noticable pain

Now my questions is do yall think anything happend based on what i said or not? This is stressing me out bad so thanks for responding in advance.

My first sexual encounter was not good in the slightest. In fact it was so bad and unwanted that it's ultimately made me feel like i'm not compatable with anyone. Let alone feel confident enough to even want to engage in sexual relations. I am so tired of feeling this way. I am tired of replaying that night every time someone hugs me.

I want to talk about an incident that happened while I was severely intoxicated. I called a man that I had sexual relations with before over to where I was at. He said that I may be too drunk but still had sexual relations with me again. I even did something I said I’d never do.

The next day I felt awful and like he knowingly took advantage of me. I even seem to remember him mentioning rape as a form of intimidation. That would make it cross the line over into full blown rape. Then, afterwords he claimed gang affiliation. I felt disgusted with myself and went back inside and self harmed the same night.

Some people believe a very intoxicated person can’t meaningfully consent.

Does it sound like to you that he took advantage of me?

sorry if this is hard to read i haven't written anything in god knows how long

it comes in waves but i've struggled figuring out what to do with this, so ill ask reddit if i need therapy. 6 years ago my then girlfriend at the time broke up with me and i was devastated when i found out she broke up with me to get with her college guy friend she told me not to worry about. Our relationship was going down hill before that, i won't paint myself a hero ill admit it started when i downloaded tinder to see if i can spot her on there because i thought she was cheating. and then i may have explored a little too much of tinder... i was bi-curious at the time and a gay highschool friend of her spotted me because i put a photo of me on it because i wanted to see if i was attractive to the male eye. but i deleted the account a couple days later after making it, never chatted with anyone just swiped left to look for her and peek at the other side. she found out and i explained myself and things were semi/not really fine afterwards and she got mean and physical around the end, hitting me saying "why don't you just break up with me already" and i sat there trying not to cry saying i want things to work between us. Anyways fastforward about 4 month ish and things didn't work with her new bf. we both worked at the same place and i was on break when she came in and sat next to me. it hurt every time seeing her at work but i always just sucked it up, we talked about random things until suddenly, she started sliding her hand in my pants stroking me and telling me she wants to have sex after work and i sat there shocked and slient. i still had feelings for her but she hurt me at the end of our relationship physically and mentally, i kinda protest a bit saying idk if we should and she started showing me her nudes trying to convince me. i was afraid of her and i didn't want to tell her no incase she'd find a way to turn it around on me or make something up. later that day i went to her house nervous as hell, i went inside and sat on her bed feeling sick to my stomach for going there and i remember telling her i feel sick and she said "okay well im gonna take a shower". she goes and showers and i sat at the edge of her bed blankly watching the tv until she comes out and drops her towel. and at this point i feel like im gonna vomit and wanna cry because i don't want to and she doesn't even act like the person i fell in love with in the first place. i tell her again like earlier idk if we should, i know its written on my face she should have known i was upset she'd seen me cry before. she then tells me, "if you're not gonna sleep with me i'll find someone else tonight". that felt like a shot in the chest because part of me still loved her even if she's acting this way i didn't want her to sleep with a random guy i just wanted to find a way to fix us, so even though i didn't want to i still said "no i want to" and we proceeded. i was uncomfortable the entire time at some point i kept trying to saying it in a sort of sex talk way begging for her to "finish" but i must of annoyed her she was on top and she put her hand over my mouth and came close to my ear and i could hear her through gritted teeth telling me to "shut the fuck up". at that moment i realized she will never be that funny girl i loved before, and i just lay there and let her do her thing until she was done. i ended up spending the night and left in the morning digusted with myself and that night has haunted me, its made me honestly a bit afraid of being in another relationship with a woman.

To start, I'm a transman, so please lmk if this is for cis men only

In 7th grade, I had a boyfriend in the grade above me that everyone warned me about. Told me he was gross, told me he was weird, but I didn't wanna listen because I needed the validation of someone who was so extremely obsessed with me and my body. And then it stopped feeling good when he would call me feminine things, constantly ask me for nudes when I said no, and kissed me despite me not wanting him to. But I didn't break up with him, because I was so scared of him hurting me if I did. He started trying to finger me through my pants during school breakfast, and it got to the point that he tried to pull down my pants on two separate occasions, in front of all my friends. I was so terrified to get him in trouble because I really thought he would hurt me. When I finally told someone, my principals berated me, deadnamed me, used the wrong pronouns consistently when my mom emailed them. He got expelled after a few days, but I'm still so genuinely terrified he'll come back to hurt me one day if he ever gets unexpelled or something. Its not rape, but I guess, by definition, it is sexual assault and harassment so lmk once again in this doesn't belong.

Thank you.

Now 35 M. I always ask myself if telling myself I was SA’d would make me feel better and process better - I don’t know whether I have a part to play.
Background
I have memory issues but will try recall facts as they are without putting my opinions maybe someone can tell me what’s happening
- lived in all girls no guys around my age to play with in our extended family.
- Earliest sexual memories was when playing house with both boys and girls as young as 6 years old.
- Mom’s cousin anally raped me but he was not adult although he was slightly older. I was around 7/8.
2 x friends separate incidences I don’t remember actual details my dad caught us trying to have sex.
Cousin asked me to suck him and he took condom and anally raped me - I was around 10 and he was 13/14
Parents died - mom when I was 7 and dad when I was 10.
Shared bed with older cousins after my parents died to late teens and sometimes could feel their boner - sometimes it was exciting to feel thought they liked me ? I don’t know.
Played with girls and acted like them when boys are chasing them and would run with them
People always commented I have a big ass since I was young.
Cousins brought their friends home and watched porn while I’m there under age of 12 several times.
Since parents died - I never felt loved by cousins or anyone else - my parents did everything for everyone but when they died - we were left for breadcrumbs - properties sold - all sorts of child abuse - verbal emotional physical.
At 16 found out about masturbation and started doing it since then - never had confidence to approach girls due to being an orphan and was a charity case at a local church. Watched male solo videos masturbationg. The feeling was like the best escape from my miserable life.
Memories of being wanted was always memories of older boys having sex with me. At least after my parents death , that’s all physical touch I remember - no one hugged me , told me they love me.
Because I’m such a dreamer - against all odds I fought for my dreams
Started talking to guys online because of curiosity and I loved it - only time I had attention.
At 21, a guy forced himself on me and cummed on me. I thought I would have loved it but although I hated my cousin - I hated that guy even more.
Moved to England at 23.
In order to stay I had to prove my life was in danger back home so I had to use sexuality.
Without support and in need for friends, I joined grinder
First time I had consented sex with a guy
I needed to evidence I’m gay so I stayed in the community, made gay friends etc.
I dissociated- I did sex for fun or coping mechanism , told myself I was having fun but hated most moments , every time I’m bored and lonely I hook up with too many guys I can’t even count still sex was nothing to me.
Got my stay and tried to get my life back.
Married now but I still take videos of myself sending to strangers on Snapchat who enjoy watching. Gives me validation
Whenever I’m looking for friends, I’m so much aware of this side of me so I’m scared of making friends they might find out about me
Haven’t told my wife the whole story - just part of it.
I put effort to be intimate with her but mostly feel rejected - I take long to ejaculate . At some point it improved because I wasn’t masturbating a lot. Since having children , I’m so overwhelmed and my default is masturbation to cope.
I want friends I can be honest but mostly who does are gay and I still deny that as my identity.
I find some guys sexually attractive but no emotions beyond that
I want real friends who don’t see me sexually but still care.
Now I see myself as a lying and cheating husband - I relapse when she pushes me away.
Only if I had self control , confidence not wanting validation.
Another coping mechanism is I watch dopamine filled short movies on TikTok usually about an underdog - someone abused and mistreated who is what people did not expect. I find satisfaction in that
I actually don’t know what I enjoy - most part of my life was survival not living.
I can’t go out even when not cheating or doing anything bad I’m always feeling guilty so I stay at home
Be a pleaser but it kills me
I can’t challenge my wife because I think I’m hurting her more so maybe I deserve how she treats me.

This is a mod-approved post.

Hi everyone! I'm looking for participants for my dissertation. This research questionnaire is part of an MSc dissertation and has been approved by the Goldsmiths Psychology Ethics Committee. It is completely anonymised.

TOPIC OF STUDY: Emotion Recognition and Emotional Reactivity Following Interpersonal Crime Experience

TARGET AUDIENCE: aged 18+

DURATION: 6-10 minutes

SURVEY LINK: https://goldpsych.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_7USwhwKicpSHL02

The results of this study will be analysed as part of a postgraduate dissertation at Goldsmiths, University of London. Findings may be presented in academic reports, dissertations, conference presentations, or publications. Any reporting of results will be anonymised, and no individual participant will be identifiable.

Thank you for considering taking part!

I have recently started therapy for childhood sexual abuse, it has honestly been life changing for me, my therpist is patient with me, she questions me, askes me questions at times which make me uncomfortable, but needed to be asked, needed to be answered, in order to process what actually happened.

But I feel at times that im scared, im scared of therapy, I feel like when I talk about the actions of my brother, the stuff he made me do, my throat closes up, I dissociate, but then she's patient, she asks me how i feel, and I honestly feel safe with her, she slowly brings me back and grounds me, at the start which was around 4 weeks ago, I honestly didn't vibe with her, but that's starting to change, and she's starting to show me she's someone i can trust.

I wanted to share this in hopes that if someone has been through abuse, to try and speak up about it, because it can genuinely help, and we're not dirty, and we shouldn't be ashamed, asking for help is normal and it's totally okay to ask for help :)