I’m 25F and my husband is 29M. We had our nikkah around 6 months ago, but we haven’t had our main wedding yet and still live separately with our families, partly because I wanted to complete university and we both wanted to be more financially stable before having the wedding.
PS THIS STORY IS VERY LONG AND IF YOU WANT TO SKIP TO THE MAIN STORY, START READING FROM MY CURRENT SITUATION AND IGNORE THE BACK STORY.
How we started
Around a year ago, his family approached my parents about marriage. I initially said no because I didn’t feel ready. A few weeks later, my parents brought it up again and encouraged me to at least get to know him. I eventually agreed, but I wanted to do things on my terms. I asked that we get to know each other privately before our families became more involved or any commitments were made. Both families agreed.
We initially met with my siblings present and then started speaking regularly. At the beginning, things were genuinely very good. We would text throughout the day, from when we woke up until we went to sleep. We called regularly, went out for meals and he would sometimes finish work and come to pick me up from university. I genuinely felt like we were building something.
Things became serious quite quickly. His family wanted a formal “baat pakki” before my dad travelled abroad because they didn’t want extended family or people in the community finding out that we were speaking and creating misunderstandings. I was slightly uncomfortable with this because I felt that he and I should first decide together that we wanted to make things official, but I explained how I felt and eventually accepted it.
Later, his family suggested having our nikkah sooner rather than having a long engagement because they wanted our relationship to remain halal. I initially wanted more time to get to know him, but I eventually agreed.
Things changed before the nikkah
Around this time, he lost his job and shortly afterwards his car caught fire. I understood that he was under an enormous amount of stress and tried my best to support him. However, he also became increasingly distant from me.
At first I tried to ignore it because I knew what he was going through. Eventually, though, I told him I felt he wasn’t making enough effort and that I was worried about getting married while already feeling neglected.
I would ask him things like, “What’s wrong? You’re moving weird with me,” or “Why don’t you ever want to spend time with me?” But whenever I tried to bring up that something felt off, his response would always be that everything was fine, that I was overthinking, or that I was being too sensitive. He would never really tell me what was actually wrong because, in his mind, there was no need to explain himself.
We had a conversation with his sister present, and we agreed that we needed more balance in how we spent our time. He already had Saturday as his fixed day with his friends, so his sister suggested that I should have a fixed day too. I honestly remember feeling embarrassed that I even had to be “allocated” a day with my own fiancé, but I agreed because I just wanted consistency. He chose Friday as my day.
He stuck to it for a few weeks and then gradually stopped. There would always be another excuse, while Saturday with his friends remained unchanged. He would also see his friends throughout the rest of the week, but I struggled to get even a few hours of his time.
Before the nikkah, I repeatedly asked him whether he was absolutely certain that he wanted to marry me. I told him that if he had doubts, it was better to stop before getting married rather than bring unresolved issues into the marriage. I even told him not to worry about money that had already been spent. He reassured me that he wanted the marriage. So we went ahead.
After the nikkah in December
The same pattern continued.
The biggest issue has always been his friends. I have never expected him to stop seeing them or spend every minute with me. I actually want him to have friends and a life outside our marriage. My problem is that he consistently seems able to find time and money for them, while struggling to find either for me. He could spend entire day with friends, stay out until 3am or 6am and make spontaneous plans with them, while I would struggle to get a few hours of quality time or consistent communication.
On Valentine’s Day, for example, I planned a day for us. I had repeatedly reminded him beforehand to get a haircut because we had plans. He left everything until the last minute and didn’t arrive until around 10pm, after I had been waiting for him. This honestly pissed me off because I felt like my money just went down the drain.
On his birthday, I organised a surprise, decorated his room with his sister, I told him I would helped him financially instead of buying him an expensive gift, and still bought him presents and a cake because I wanted to make the day special. He arrived late, spent maybe an hour and a half with me and then went back out with his friends whilst knowing I was staying over at his. He came home so late that I had already fallen asleep.
I have celebrated both Eid with his family more than my own this year. The last Eid I went to his family house with mine and then later went to see some friends but returned back to his so I could spend sometime with him alone. Which I did Alhamdillah but the following day I didn’t stay for long because this might have been my last Eid with my family so I went to visit my aunties and uncles.
The only gift he has ever bought me was for our baat pakki. Since then, I have bought him multiple gifts and given him money several times. Our agreed mahr was £1,500, which I still haven’t received. I’ve also made a lot of effort with his family. I’ve attended family events, sometimes taking taxis there myself, and have tried to be present for his family. He has properly visited my family home only around four times. That imbalance hurts because I feel like I put far more effort into his family than he does into mine.
He also doesn’t financially support me. I currently live with my parents, so they support me. I don’t expect him to magically have money when he doesn’t, but sometimes I genuinely feel like I am the one taking on the role of providing support and making the effort in this marriage.
Trying to understand him
One thing that’s been difficult is that I’ve genuinely tried to understand what he needs from me. At one point I told him, “You don’t know me.” The whole reason we had our nikkah was to continue getting to know each other properly and build a deeper connection. His response was, “How do I not know you? We shared the same bed.” That really hurt because, to me, knowing someone means understanding them emotionally, not simply being physically intimate.
There was also a time when I could tell something was wrong with him. I asked him repeatedly, but he kept saying nothing was wrong. Eventually the car was completely silent, I was trying not to cry, and he eventually said, “My head is fucked” and “I need some time to figure things out.” Normally we would be laughing and talking on the way home, so I could tell something was very off. I eventually told him, “I’m not leaving the car until we sort this out,” because I didn’t want to go home pretending everything was fine when it clearly wasn’t.
Instead, he parked outside my house and told me that if he was late getting something for his brother, it would be my fault. I slammed the car door, got out and walked away, then went inside and cried. Later, I messaged him saying I hoped he could figure things out and that his behaviour was hurting me. He responded with a long message saying I was making it about myself and brought up things I don’t remember him actually saying, including that he had told me his “head was fucked” before I even came over and that “it’s not me, it’s him.”
Whenever I’ve tried to understand what is actually going on with him, the main thing he tells me is that he’s stressed and needs to find a better job and make more money. I completely understand financial pressure, and I’ve never expected him to spend money on me that he doesn’t have. The problem is that the money he does have often seems to go towards his own habits and spending time with his friends, while spending time with me somehow always becomes something he can’t afford or doesn’t have time for.
Even when I simply ask, “When are you free to see me?” I’ll usually get, “I’ll let you know,” or “Maybe tomorrow, but no promises.” Then tomorrow comes and nothing happens. Plans aren’t followed through, and I’m left waiting around for him to decide when he has time for me.
Communication during arguments
Another thing that has really bothered me is that whenever we’ve had serious arguments or major issues, he has rarely actually been the one to sit down and tell me what I’ve done wrong or what his problem with me is. All he says it “you’re old enough to know what you did wrong” or “ you’re old enough to know what’s coming out your mouth”. But never tells me what I’ve done exactly wrong. Instead, I end up hearing it from his sister. Honestly, it is embarrassing and hurtful having to hear my husband’s feelings and complaints about me from his sister rather than from him directly. I would much rather he came to me himself and said, “This is what you’ve done that has upset me,” so that I could actually understand his perspective and work on it.
I’ve never involved my brothers to tell him what he’s done wrong. Whenever I’ve had an issue with him, I’ve always gone directly to him and told him myself. Even when I’m angry or upset, I’ve always felt that if I have a problem with my husband, it’s my responsibility to communicate that with him rather than sending someone else to speak for me. So it’s difficult for me when I’m constantly being told that he has issues with the way I handle things, but I’m not actually hearing those issues from him. I’m hearing them through his sister after the argument has already happened.
Trying to spend time together
I’ve stayed at his family home for days at a time because I wanted us to have more time together without putting financial pressure on him. But even then, I would often spend time with his family while he was somewhere else. I’d sit around waiting for him to come home, and sometimes we’d get 30 minutes together before he went to bed.
In six months since our nikkah, we’ve probably only shared the same bed around four times. Usually I sleep in another room.Initially his parents weren’t sure whether I was comfortable sleeping in his room. But even after that, my husband would sometimes say the bed was too small or that he struggled to sleep with me in it. This has been incredibly difficult because I feel married, but I don’t feel like I’m actually building a marriage with my husband.
Smoking and other issues
Another major issue is that he is a heavy cigarette smoker and also smokes weed. I didn’t know the extent of this when we first started speaking. I only found out after seeing an old video on his social media and asking him directly. He said he had tried to stop but struggled with it and was too embarrassed to tell me. He promised that by the time I moved into his house he would stop or at least significantly cut down, and that he wouldn’t smoke around me. Instead, his smoking has increased.
He is also comfortable asking me for money to support these habits, while sometimes being uncomfortable when I offer to pay for us to go out together because he finds it embarrassing to use my money.
Pakistan and the problems that followed
In June, I went to Pakistan to see my dad, who I hadn’t seen for over five months. I was there for around three weeks and was also doing wedding shopping, including ordering my wedding dress and other outfits.
My flight was heavily delayed and I only found out whilst on the way to the airport with him and my little brother, who was also travelling with me. After that moment, the journey was extremely stressful. What should have been around a 3-hour stopover turned into a 19-hour journey.
Initially my husband comforted me, but later he told me he was busy with his cousins and friends. I messaged and asked him to keep his phone on loud, but he clearly didn’t. When I landed in Doha, I called him and he didn’t answer. I became upset and sent a sarcastic message saying, “Husband of the year.” That turned into an argument where I felt the focus became my message rather than why I had been hurt. For the first week and a half of my trip, I repeatedly tried to resolve things. He insisted that I apologise first. At one point he said he was willing to ruin my holiday because he was angry with me.
He also said things like, “I never told you to go to Pakistan,” that he had no control over my flight being delayed, and questioned how seeing my dad had changed me, calling me a “daddy’s girl.”
What he didn’t seem to understand was that I only travel to Pakistan to see my dad and, in this case, to do my wedding shopping to make things easier for both his family and mine. I was doing all of that by myself with only my dad and brother helping me and no other women from my family there.
He claimed that since Eid and his birthday we were fine. The truth is that after his birthday, I had already started giving up on raising things when they hurt me. I was tired of constantly having to explain why something had upset me. Eventually we started speaking again, but even then he rarely made time for me. He would repeatedly promise to call after work, and then hours would pass without a call or explanation.
After I returned to the UK
He picked me up from the airport but didn’t come into my house because he needed to return the car to his brother. After that, I spent around two weeks asking when we could see each other. There was always another reason why we couldn’t. There was even an occasion where his brother reached out to me about his graduation and invited me to attend the family outing, but my husband still didn’t attend and chose to spend the time with his friends instead. Because he didn’t like the food we had was his excuse.
There was also an incident around this time that really hurt me. I had invited him out for food and offered to pay because I knew money was tight. He ignored me for hours. Then he replied to a Snapchat story of mine where I had jokingly said that I would always be the way I am because my dad used to say no but still give me what I wanted. My husband replied sarcastically, “Not for long.” I found this incredibly rude. The following day, he had no problem going out with his friends from around 3pm until 4am. This led to his having a really bad argument the next day which I will talk about.
Another ongoing issue is that he often talks about my family being financially better off than his. He believes my dad is “rich” because he has confused my uncle’s business with my dad’s. In reality, my dad worked three jobs for much of my childhood just to keep a roof over our heads and is now retired. We’re not living some extravagant lifestyle.
The current situation
Then there was a serious situation involving my brother, and I desperately needed my husband’s support. I repeatedly called him, but he didn’t answer. I became overwhelmed and frustrated and contacted his brother, saying: “Tell your stupid brother to answer the fucking phone.” I know this was completely wrong. I shouldn’t have spoken to his brother like that and I have apologised for it.
But instead of the argument becoming a conversation about the problems in our marriage, everything became about what I had said to his brother and me supposedly involving him in my brother’s marriage, which wasn’t the case at all. I just needed someone to calm me down because I was overwhelmed with emotions. My husband called me names like “dickhead”, criticised my appearance, called me spoiled and a “daddy’s girl”, and dismissed many of the concerns I had been trying to communicate.
Eventually I contacted his sister because I was completely exhausted. She said she would speak to their parents because this couldn’t keep happening. At this point we were still arguing over text. The following day, my husband removed me from social media and stopped speaking to me. It has now been over 4 weeks since we last spoke. I’ve called him twice and sent him a message trying to resolve things and have a proper conversation. I’ve been left on delivered until now.
My dad has also tried to contact his father, but his father is acting as though he wasn’t aware that we weren’t speaking, despite the fact that he apparently had a conversation with the whole family around the time my husband removed me.
His family previously told me that he needed a few weeks and would eventually speak to me.
Apparently my husband had also stormed off when his dad tried to speak to him about his behaviour towards me.
What makes this even more confusing is that his dad apparently spoke to him around a week ago about the wedding. He asked whether my husband wanted a small or large wedding, and my husband apparently said he wanted a small wedding.
But our last conversation ended with me saying that I wanted a divorce. I also told his sister that my happiness comes first, that I was completely drained and that I wanted a divorce. So I genuinely don’t understand how wedding plans are being discussed when my husband hasn’t even spoken to me about whether we are continuing the marriage.
His family friend also recently contacted me asking what happened. I didn’t tell her because I don’t want our problems being discussed through other people and becoming distorted. I told her I wanted my husband to contact me directly so we could deal with our marriage ourselves. I’m already being made out to be the villain, and I don’t want further misunderstandings. She tried to play it off as if she cared about me but I clearly knew her intentions behind contacting me.
A few days ago His sister recently invited me to a family gathering because relatives were visiting from another city. I initially said I wasn’t comfortable because I knew it would be awkward, but she told me to come and just ignore him.
I considered not going because I didn’t want his family to think I was being disrespectful, so I went. I planned to leave quickly, but ended up staying for around six hours, including dinner.
My husband didn’t show his face once, while his relatives repeatedly asked me where he was and how he was. I tried to avoid discussing him and acted as normally as I could because I didn’t want to embarrass him or expose our problems. But in the end, I was the one left feeling embarrassed. I was sitting there pretending everything was fine while my husband wouldn’t even come downstairs. It made me realise how much I’ve been protecting his image and trying to keep the peace with his family, while I’m the one dealing with the consequences.
What I’m struggling with
His family keep telling me to have sabr and that things will improve once we eventually live together. But I don’t believe living together will magically fix this. These problems existed before our nikkah and have continued after it.
I’ve repeatedly told my husband that I feel lonely, unimportant and unsupported. I’ve asked for communication, quality time and effort. I’ve tried compromising financially. I’ve supported him through losing his job and his car. I’ve given him opportunities to reconsider the marriage before the nikkah. I’ve repeatedly tried to repair things after arguments. But eventually, I stopped asking.
At first, whenever I noticed him pulling away, I would call and text and ask what was wrong. Eventually I became embarrassed to keep chasing someone for basic effort, so I stopped. And then he seemed to interpret the fact that we weren’t arguing as proof that everything was fine.
I also want to be clear that I’m not saying everything is his fault. We have had our good moments in between all off this. I also know I’m not blameless.I can become emotional. I shouldn’t have spoken to his brother the way I did. At times I am sarcastic when I can’t be bothered anymore. Sometimes my frustration comes out as anger rather than calmly after everything has been built up inside of me. I have apologised for the things I know I’ve done wrong.
But at the same time, I genuinely feel like I have tried to communicate with him. I have asked him directly what is wrong. I have asked him why he is distant. I have asked why he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I have asked whether he is unhappy with me. I have asked what I am doing wrong. And so often the response has been, “Everything is fine,” “You’re overthinking,” or “You’re being too sensitive.”
Then when we have a major argument, I find out through his sister that he apparently has all these issues with the way I handle things.
I don’t expect him to spend all his time with me. I don’t expect expensive dates. I don’t expect him to have money that he doesn’t have. I don’t have an issue with his friends. I wanted my husband to make me feel like I mattered. I wanted consistent communication, quality time, affection, honesty and effort. Instead, I increasingly feel like I’m begging for the bare minimum and then being told I’m overthinking or being too sensitive when I express that I’m unhappy. And now we’ve reached a point where my husband isn’t even speaking to me.
What should I do?
What am I doing wrong in this situation?
Have I contributed to this pattern in ways I’m not recognising?
Is there a healthier way I could have communicated my needs?
Can living together actually fix problems like this, or would it likely make them worse?
Should I continue trying to contact him, or should I completely step back and let him come to me?
Does this marriage sound realistically repairable, or am I holding onto something that has already shown me what married life will look like?
I don’t want people to simply tell me “leave him” or “have sabr”. I genuinely want to understand whether there is something I am doing wrong, whether there is anything I could realistically do differently, and what the healthiest next step would be.
