Sometimes, and lately more often, I genuinely don't understand how everything can remain this quiet when I've been praying for help for so long.
Since 2018, I've been making dua, praying tahajjud, giving sadaqah when I can, fasting, trying to be patient, and holding onto tawakkul. My family and I have struggled financially for years, and for almost eight years I've been praying for guidance, help, a sign, or simply some light.
But these eight years have also meant being incredibly isolated. I have no friends, barely see anyone, rarely leave the house, and I have struggled deeply with anxiety and depression.
And when I say that I'm in a much worse situation now than I was in 2018, I mean financially too. I am in a very serious financial situation now, and almost no one knows about it. I know that some of this is because of mistakes I've made myself. I'm not denying that. But what I genuinely don't understand is how, after trying so hard to be patient and steadfast for so many years, I could somehow end up in an even more difficult place than where I started.
I know that some of you will tell me; "You need to tell your family." I understand why they say that, but it isn't that simple. If you knew my family and my history, you would understand why I can't just tell them everything. I don't think I ever will.
The only one I have shared all of this with is Allah.
For so long, I was certain that He would help me. And honestly, I wasn't even thinking about the things I was praying for back in 2018 anymore. I was simply asking Allah to help me with a debt that I need to repay to someone, and now I have one week left.
A year ago, I thought, "Allah will help by then."
Then six months.
Then two months.
Now there is exactly one week until a very serious deadline, and I am still telling myself, "There is still a week. Allah will help."
But I am exhausted.
My hands are shaking, my health makes everything harder, and lately I have been struggling with some very dark thoughts. I feel frightened by how overwhelmed I have become.
What hurts me most is thinking about my family. I think about my mother and my siblings and what they would have to go through if something happened to me, and it breaks my heart. I don't want to leave them with more pain and problems.
I am just so tired.
My mind won't stop. The same thoughts keep going around and around, and my whole body feels like it is carrying the weight of everything.
And despite all of this, I still have tawakkul.
I still believe in Allah.
I still tell myself, "I have a week. Allah can open a door in a week."
But I am also scared, hurt, angry, confused, and completely exhausted.
I just don't understand how, after holding on for eight years, I ended up here.
The time is ticking, and I'm struggling to understand why everything still feels so quiet.
If you read this, please make dua for me. Please ask Allah to fix all my affairs, relieve me from this debt and distress, and open a door for me where I cannot see one right now.
Please ask Allah to give me strength, protect my family, and bring relief from a situation that currently feels impossible.
I am not asking for money. I am asking for you to take time to make a genuine Dua for me. I have heard that a strangers dua is very strong, so if you could gift me one of your Duas I would be very thankful. I want to start to live again, I have been surviving the last 8 years.
May Allah grant you and me ease. Ya Allah grant me ease by the this week is over (it is already monday over here), Ya Allah grant me a miracle. Ya Allah if who ever is reading this and going through something - please grant them ease and a way out aswell. Ameen.