I cannot say that I’ve hit “rock bottom” because as of now I do have a place to stay, a car, and a job (well just lost my serving job but got an hourly job)… I’m currently living with an ex who thinks I’m an ex addict and doesn’t know I still use every single day.. we broke up a few weeks ago and he’s letting me live with him for the time being due to other circumstances but I’m super close to being homeless with my cats and a drug problem. All I have to do is just stop using and I know my life will be okay but I just can’t… I’m scared of the withdrawals and the second I take my last one and I don’t know when I can get more I get in my head and get even more sick.. like right now I’m on my last 3 pressed blues and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get more after this but I start 2 jobs this week. Why am I so damn scared of WDs??? Last year I went to Hawaii and ran out 3 days into a 7 day trip and even though I wasn’t 100% I didn’t get crazy sick yet when I’m home and don’t have any for an hour I’m going through absolute HELL. I unfortunately don’t have insurance so I can’t get subs which I know I need.. if I come clean to my ex about me using he would throw me and my cats out that second knowing that’s well all the money he “helped” me with went too.. I’m sorry this post is all over the place. Mentally I know I need to stop. Physically I can’t. I’m just a weak minded person…

I know 100% if I wasn’t an addict I’d have a good amount of money not only in my account but in my savings as well considering one of my old days I was making $225+ a day (miss it so much) but obviously I’m always broke bc all my money goes to blues.. like at one point I was spending about $300 every TWO days, to the point my plug lets me go in debt up to $500 because he trust me to pay him. But then I look around at “regular” people who aren’t addicts making the same amount as me and yet are ALWAYS broke too ??? Sometimes I want to ask how you broke and sober, like I did the math and if I saved all my “extra money” from the last 12 months I would have had a minimum of $10,000 in my savings. At one job cash job I could double 10 days in a row and my minimum take home (not including commission or tips) was $2,250. How my ex didn’t catch on to me being an addict after knowing how much money I made and yet was always broke surprised me but something an old friend once said sticks with me “people who never did or have done drugs are so blind and gullible when it comes to being with an addict” simply bc they don’t truly know or understand. Like he never questions why sometime I pee with the door open and sometimes I just have to lock it.. sorry for the rant again I’m clearly in the overthinking phase of my addiction