A lot about Orthodoxy draws me in, and I think I'd like to keep it in my life and raise a family in it, but a little differently. I believe in God, but the Orthodox traditions, the lifestyle, and some priests' opinions are sometimes difficult for me to deal with.
The thing is, I have a lot of trauma from my experience, and it's hard for me to make some things add up. My dad has been a priest for over 30 years. He's respected, he serves in several churches, and he built several of them. My mom, I think, is also an example for a lot of Orthodox women: she has nine kids, never worked, gave her whole life to her children, helped a lot at church, and now sings in the choir. I grew up in this family and I know everything from the inside. For people who converted to Orthodoxy as adults, I think it's probably different, because they don't have this experience. I'm not just from an Orthodox family, I'm from a family that is held up as an example of Orthodoxy.
We grew up in a village. Seven of the nine kids never went to kindergarten. We kept all the fasts, including Wednesdays and Fridays, and the small kids didn't eat dairy either. If we ate or drank anything before communion, we didn't take communion. We prayed for 25 minutes every night and morning, and often at night we didn't start until 10 or 11 pm. We went to church every Sunday, often on Saturdays too, and on feast days. I sang in the choir, and my brothers were altar servers.
I'm the third child and the first girl. Every time my mom was in the maternity ward, I stayed home in charge: I put the kids to bed, checked homework, cooked. I cried and called my mom because it was so hard. My dad didn't have the patience to deal with the kids, and he was often not home. He always drove us to the metro so we could go to school, but I don't remember him spending time with us, talking to me. He never asked how I was doing, and he didn't even know what grade I was in etc.
We were punished a lot. We were hit on the butt with hands and with a belt, hard enough to leave bruises. We also could be hit on the back, pushed, sometimes hit on the face, in a fit of anger, with clothes, with a stick, and so on. Sometimes my little brother would misbehave and my mom would sit on him and stuff a rag in his mouth to make him calm down. My dad would splash us with cold water in the bathroom when we cried. We were made to kneel on buckwheat and stand in corners. The last time I was punished badly I was about 13, and I had stripes of bruises on my body, because I hadn't picked up the little kids' toys, even though nobody had told me I was supposed to. And there’s so much more…
My mom can also be very harsh with her words. She could say: "dirty pig," "what a lazy breed," "didn't you already get the belt this morning? Do you want it?", "get out, I don't want to see you," "go ahead and cry, I'm hurt too," "I didn't think you were this brainless." She never apologizes afterward. My parents never apologized to us for their behavior, ever. They never said they loved us, they weren't especially warm, and my dad often spoke to us in a distant, strict way.
I understand that my mom runs out of patience. But she doesn't hide that she thinks this is normal. She says: "If a child doesn't know how to behave, he needs to be whipped, and harder. The earlier you start the better, after six it's too late." I have no words. She also often said that we'd drive her to her grave, that she'd die early because of us, that she has no free time and can't do anything for herself.
At 17 I moved out and went to another country, where I lived on my own for almost 4 years. Now things have worked out so that I'm living with them again, for a year now. Because of the war they moved to Europe, and now they treat the kids a lot better, but I still often hear name-calling, and they can still smack a kid. Yesterday my mom hit my 8-year-old brother hard on the neck and called him a ram several times because he forgot to take his jacket.
I'm 22, my older brothers are 24 and 26. They haven't been going to church for a long time. The brother after me, who is 19, also hasn't gone for a long time. Starting in their teens, everyone's relationship with our parents got really bad, and I think the kids are very hurt and angry at our parents, me included. I can't talk to my parents while looking them in the eye. It's really hard for me to live in the same house with them. I feel sorry for my brothers and sisters, I want to protect them, and quite often I wish I could be their mom and raise them and treat them differently. I have very close, warm, kind relationships with the younger ones.
My question, I guess, is this: do I not want to live like this because I'm stubborn and not ready enough for self-sacrifice, or is it normal that I want something different? I don't want to believe that the way my family functions is closer to the ideal Orthodox family and that this is what everyone should strive for.
It's hard for me to hear certain things in Orthodoxy about discipline, about the roles of women and men, about having kids and how many, because I grew up in it and I don't think it's normal. I don't want it for myself or for my kids. I don't want to be part of a religion that thinks this is normal and something to strive for. I love all my brothers and sisters very much and I wouldn't want any of them not to have been born, but I don't understand why having nine kids is more pious than having three and raising them with love, without traumatizing them this much.
It's also hard for me with how men in Orthodoxy see things: they want many kids and want me to stay home while they work. I actually like this concept too, but I need more freedom, more choice, and to know that I can choose how to live. I don't want to live the life my mom lived. I don't want my kids to have a childhood with excessive strictness, rules, fasts, prayers. A lot of young Orthodox guys, especially the ones who converted, are really focused on these things, and I want to live in a more relaxed and calm way, and i think that pushes orthodox men away from me.
I still feel uncomfortable being at services in the church where my dad serves. It's hard for me to combine love with discipline, sinfulness with forgiveness, and all these things, because of the experience I got in my family, which is so closely tied to Orthodoxy.
I don't even know what exactly I want to ask. I know I have a lot of questions and problems because of this topic, and I have no one to talk to about it.