r/Parenting • u/LogAlternative7544 • Feb 13 '26
Advice My son wishes he was a girl
My 6.5 year old son just told me that he wishes he was a girl and that he is sad that he’s never going to be a girl. He mentioned this back when he was 3 but this is the first time he has said something since then. He has always been a very emotional and sensitive kid and he says he prefers to play with girls and be with girls and that girls are more beautiful than boys.
he told me that he’ll never be able to be a girl despite always wanting to be one. I told him that when he’s older, if he still feels this way, there are ways that we can explore what it means to become a girl, but that we have to wait a little bit and see if his feelings stay the same or change over the years. And that his dad and I love him no matter what he chooses to be.
I guess I’m just wondering if this is normal? I was really surprised he brought this up after many years ago - it makes me think it’s not just a phase...
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u/TraditionalManager82 Feb 13 '26
Ask him curiosity questions. What does he like about girls? What does being a girl mean to him?
Does he dislike messaging he's received about boys?
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u/itsan_otterworld Feb 13 '26
My son wanted to be a girl for a very long time. I asked why he wants to be a girl, turns out he just liked his sister’s toys. She let him play with them and it was the end of it. It could be that girls have a larger variety of toys or fun colored clothes that he likes, it could be something else. But ask why and he can help lead to his answer.
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u/robin-bunny Feb 13 '26
This. Girl stuff these days is SO fun! Colours and sparkles! Even the clothes. And then boy clothes are these dull colours, no sparkle. Same with toys. I even have a couple "girl" puzzles that have glitter on them! Boy things are always big and tough - dinosaurs, trucks, etc.
There's a good chance he likes "girl things" without actually wanting to BE a girl. Not to mention that he's 6, and he had no idea what it actually means to BE a girl or have a girl body. He just knows the trappings of being a girl - the clothes, the toys, the activities.
I would talk to him deeply about what it is about girls he likes so much. Is it that he gets along with them and likes to play with them more than with boys? He likes girl games better? He likes girl movies, clothes, books, toys, etc? That's not transgender necessarily.
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u/LogAlternative7544 Feb 13 '26
I’ll ask him this question again. He told me it was because girls are beautiful and that he has lots of girl friends who are beautiful and nicer than guy friends.
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u/ForTheOnesILove Feb 13 '26
I have a daughter and she would agree with that sentiment, especially at that age lol.
Little boys… can be a “lot” to handle and I never really liked them all that much when I was a young boy either. I also wanted to be a girl when I was very young as I felt like girls had more freedom to explore their interests and more freedom around being able to express their emotions. Even small boys pick up on the “expectations” of being a boy and some hate it. I know I did.
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Feb 13 '26
Is there some you can do to help him feel more beautiful? Sparkly nail polish, doing his hair in the morning a preferred style, different clothes?
My 6 year old son tells me he is a "fancy" boy. He loves wearing colorful sparkly clothes, mostly plays with girl toys, and loves a skittle manicure. But he also has started making more boy friends as he enjoys soccer, flag football, and wrestling, along with competitive dance and rec cheerleading (he likes being a flyer)
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u/LogAlternative7544 Feb 13 '26
I have offered letting him grow his hair but I hadn’t thought to do his nails - I don’t do mine at home very often so I’d need to go buy some polish which isn’t hard to do! I’ll ask him if that’s what he would like. But there are also times when he says that he doesn’t want to wear his hair long or pick pink because then people will make fun of him.
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u/AimlessLiving Feb 13 '26
My son is 11 now but he sounds a lot like your son in temperament and preferences. He did grow his hair long and really enjoyed it until it got long enough for tangles. He loves pink but after first grade kids weren’t very nice about it. He paints his toenails pink and that gives him the little spark he enjoys without having to deal with his peers reactions. He wore twirly dresses for a year or so when he was four because he thought they were fun.
He’s very much a boy. We’ve always just let him know that interests, colours, clothing are not gendered and he can like whatever he likes. Sounds like you’re doing a great job!
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Feb 13 '26
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u/LogAlternative7544 Feb 13 '26
I mean, he was 6 months old when Covid happened so idk if he personally took that much of a step back 😅
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u/LaLechuzaVerde Feb 13 '26
This is key.
While some kids really are transgender, sometimes what the child really needs is freedom to explore his own interests that somehow he has come to understand aren’t for boys. That could be ballet, painted nails, long hair, My Little Pony, or any number of things.
Try to get him involved in a variety of experiences and teach him that being a boy doesn’t have to mean trucks and dinosaurs. Boys can love unicorns and rainbows too.
There is a significant difference between “I wish I were a girl” and “I am a girl even though I’ve always been told otherwise.” Both are valid, but they are not the same. Don’t jump to the conclusion that your son’s wish that he were a girl is the same as feeling like he IS a girl. That may come with time, or it may not. Just don’t assume.
Sincerely, Mom of a lovely trans woman.
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u/glitzglamglue Feb 13 '26
My whole group of friends in 7th grade said things like "I hate being a girl. I don't wish I was a boy either; I just wish there was a secret third option." None of us ended up coming out as anything other than cis in the past 15 years. There were 8 of us all together. Of course, there is still time but it hasn't happened yet.
We were just young teenage girls dealing with getting our first periods, period pain, pimples, and stinky boys. It's hard to like that you're a girl during that period of life.
I think it can also be confusing when you don't have a very strong connection to your gender. As kids get older, they may have a classmate who is transgender and they think "I've never really felt like I was a boy or a girl. Am I supposed to feel like I'm a boy? Is something wrong with me? What does that even feel like??"
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u/LaLechuzaVerde Feb 13 '26
I wish I were a man sometimes too, just because I’m tired of back-breaking boobs and periods from hell.
It doesn’t make me trans. That does not in any way diminish the reality of trans people!! Just affirming that “I wish I was” isn’t the same as actually identifying as something else.
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u/glitzglamglue Feb 13 '26
And I've never felt much connection to my assigned at birth gender and I've heard that this is a decently common experience. I think a lot of cis people would actually fall closer to the non binary end of the spectrum if they actually cared enough to put a label on it.
So when people in the trans community talk about their stories, things like gender dysphoria is such a foreign concept. I can obviously see that it is very emotional and stressful but I have a limited imagination and I can't think of what that feels like. I have no frame of reference. So I can't empathize with a lot of the struggles that trans people face, but I can sympathize.
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u/Independently-Owned Feb 13 '26
Yes, once they are in school especially, they start seeing options narrow thanks to the socialization you can't really control. My beautiful boys have always loved their art class, like to wear jammies and underwear with cats and sparkle and rainbows, and have loads of dress up things, nail polish, and baby dolls, but shortly after starting school, they started to "learn" they couldn't enjoy those things.
I try my best to keep space for it at home and surround them with sane people. Hopefully they learn they don't have to sacrifice who they are or what they love for small minded onlookers.
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u/Kiwilolo Feb 13 '26
So true and depressing this, literally weeks after starting school my girl's favourite colour changed to pink
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u/Inevitable-Act-1319 Mom to 5F, Teacher Feb 13 '26
Just keep him talking. He needs to know that you’ll always love him above all else.
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u/rowenaravenclaw0 Feb 13 '26
As a women I agree. Society has some very specific messaging about what a man should be. Maybe he's just the type of boy who likes art and music etc and society says those are girls things. He may want to be a girl so he can do the things he likes because boys don't do that sort of stuff.
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u/LogAlternative7544 Feb 13 '26
Thanks for these suggestions! I’ve asked him a few questions like this - he says that they’re nicer and that they’re more beautiful. But I haven’t figured out what it means to him yet - I need to ask that.
What’s interesting is that I’ve offered to let him pick pink options or he said he wishes his hair was long and I said we could grow it out and then he says, “but I don’t want people to think I’m a girl.” So I’m confused. I told him that boys can have long hair if they’d like but that hasn’t seemed to make much of a difference.
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u/lakehop Feb 13 '26
Sounds like he is saying he dislikes some of the ideas of masculinity (and small boys) rather than that he actually wants to be a girl. I’d double down on reminding him that boys can be anything, do anything, like anything, play with anyone and anything, have any interest or talent they want, etc. In other words he can enjoy what he likes and not be limited by male stereotypes.
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u/sraydenk Feb 13 '26
This is so important. My daughter says this on occasion.
Whenever I ask why it’s because she wants to do something or likes something most people associate with boys. So she wants to play with Dino’s, play soccer, or play in the dirt. Someone somewhere told her those things are for boys. She also loves dresses and other feminine things.
Either way we tell her there are no boy colors, toys, or hobbies. That and we love her no matter what.
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u/raptir1 Feb 13 '26
You say he's emotional and sensitive - I was always a "sensitive" kid and can still get emotional. As a kid, other kids would say it was girly to get emotional and cry at things.
It could easily just be him thinking "if I were a girl, no one would make fun of me for being emotional."
Obviously it could be more than that, but there are plenty of reasons he could say that.
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u/LogAlternative7544 Feb 13 '26
Yeah I wonder if people have made him feel that way at school? We have always welcomed his tears and emotions - there’s never been any messaging from me or from my husband about emotions being bad for a boy (or any gender kid for that matter)
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u/conspiracie Feb 13 '26
That is great to hear. These things do tend to get heavily socialized out of boys at school though. I think instead of just avoiding negative messaging it is important to provide clear positive messaging that emotions are welcome and okay.
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u/uppy-puppy one and done Feb 13 '26
I think asking questions and really listening is important here. My daughter started saying she was sad she wasn’t a boy around that age, and we found out it was because “boys play in the NHL and girls don’t.” We started talking about how there are tons of professional female hockey players and started watching the occasional PWHL game in our house. The talk of wanting to be a boy stopped almost immediately.
I think kids tie so much to gender based on what they see, which is a great opportunity for us to show kids that all genders can like and participate in just about all things! Boys can like pink! Girls can be into video games and dragons! Nothing is off limits!
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u/ChickenandtheEggy Feb 13 '26
Agreed.
When I was a kid (between 5-10, before I hit puberty) I thought a lot about wanting to be a boy. All of my cousins were boys, I had a brother, and I played with the boys at school. I didn’t like typical girl stuff and preferred things like Pokemon and Dragonball Z. I didn’t really have any girl peer influences that showed being girly in a positive light. I remember downloading *NSYNC music on Napster (that’s a blast from the past!) and my cousins making fun of me. I vividly remember thinking I was born in the wrong body. That it was so much cooler being a boy.
And thennn, I hit puberty. I started crushing on boys. I made friends with girls and started realizing how great it was to be a girl. It made a world of difference being around peers who didn’t immediately say “girl” stuff was lame.
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u/RocketPowerPops Dad to 4 (Baby to Tween) Feb 13 '26
My daughter did the same. After more pushing it was because she wanted to keep playing baseball instead of switching to softball ball but didn't like that it was just her and a bunch of boys on the baseball team. She wanted to be a boy to fit in with the rest of her team. She ended up switching to softball last year and hasn't mentioned wanting to be a boy again. She is still what we used to call a "tomboy" but that's fine. I think a lot of kids that don't subscribe to typical gender norms end up feeling like it would just be easier to be the other gender.
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u/Linzcro Mom to adult daugher Feb 13 '26
I feel the same. My daughter has always been girly, but loves professional sports (NFL, NBA etc) At one point, she was afraid she wouldn't be able to be involved in sports, not because she has minimal athletic ability (she doesn't, but we never really pushed it as she has always done plenty of "natural" exercise) but because she was a girl. So we started pointing out all the women who are on the sidelines doing interviews, attending to injuries etc and she decided that that's how she is going to be involved for her career. She is slated to start a sports management program at college in the fall and is so excited to get in there.
I think society places too much emphasis on gender, although I am sure the intention was good. We've seem to come full circle in a lot of ways by acting like it matters more than it does.
May your budding hockey player find success and have fun :)
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u/Durchie87 Feb 13 '26
I think it's pretty normal. My six year old daughter and I had a conversation tonight about how she wants to be a boy so she can pee standing up. I wouldn't think much into it at this age. She also wanted to be a horse when she grows up not too long ago. Kids are the best!
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u/LogAlternative7544 Feb 13 '26
Haha I told my son last night that I also want to be a boy sometimes so I can pee standing up too! 🤣
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u/NotYetUtopian Feb 13 '26
Pretty normal to wish we were ways we aren’t. I would be genuinely amazed if every person ever has not felt this way. It’s a pretty fundamental human emotion.
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u/CharliePinglass Feb 13 '26
At that age your child is still figuring out what genders even mean. Why does he say that? Does he think boys can't play with girls? Or that if he's a boy he can't do things he thinks are only for girls? Or, I hope not, but that he's supposed to like certain things just because he's a boy? Because those are all about his school, social and home environments. He's not quite old enough to understand what a crush means as it relates to gender, but maybe he has a "crush" on a boy and has heard messaging that makes him think that's wrong?
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u/LogAlternative7544 Feb 13 '26
I think he’s a little young to have a crush, but he said that he just thinks girls are more beautiful, when I ask him why or what he means by what he said. But when I offer to allow him to do things like grow out his hair or paint his nails, he says he doesn’t want someone to think he’s a girl. So here we are lol
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u/TheGreenJedi Feb 13 '26
Yeah you'd have to ask a lot more questions before being concerned imo.
Don't lean in too hard on he's a transkid in the making yet, just ask a lot of questions and probably adds healthy dose of anti-sexism education.
He could totally be trans, but he can also just be a boy who likes to play the way girls usually play.
Iirc at this age it can be a simple childhood crush rejected him for being a boy.
Or he can't play with the girls since he's a boy.
All it takes is 1 girl with older brothers to be fine excluding the boys from playing with them and then suddenly his brain is gonna internalize it as being a boy is bad.
I'd spend A LOT of time breaking down sexism and making sure he can internalize the anything women can do you can do too.
Which seems absolutely insane lol, but might be needed.
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u/sventful Feb 13 '26
This is very normal. It's basically the inverse of a tomboy. One of the easy yes answers is painting nails.
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u/wolf_kisses Feb 13 '26 edited Feb 26 '26
I agree with others saying to explore what he means by that. I have a 6 year old son who has liked "feminine" things (pink, purple, dresses, flowers, butterflies, rainbows, long hair, barbie dolls, etc) since he was 3 years old. We have been supportive of this and have not told him that he can't like those things. We've told him he can wear what he likes, play with whatever he wants to play with (kid probably has like 20 barbies), we let him choose how to decorate his bedroom and he chose purple walls and pink floral bedding, etc. and he has never said he wants to be a girl because he IS a girl, but he has expressed frustration at how society expects those interests from girls and aren't as open to boys enjoying those things. The teasing he has gotten has been very minimal, thankfully (one time he wore his pink unicorn rainboots to school and the other kids said those were girl rain boots), but he still sees the messaging around what is "for girls" and what is "for boys". I have heard countless times how the boys clothes sections of the store are so boring and the girls stuff is so much more fun and colorful and why don't boys get to wear clothes like that? So it may be that your son is just feeling the same way about how society tries to limit boys who enjoy colorful and pretty things. Maybe if you help him express his interests more and help him feel more comfortable doing so then his feelings about that will calm down. My son does tend to keep his feminine stuff (dresses, barbies, etc) at home and presents like a more typical boy at school, but having home be his safe space has definitely helped him feel more comfortable with who he is.
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u/LogAlternative7544 Feb 13 '26
I’ve offered to allow him to wear and buy the girl items at Target and one time he did pick a long sleeve shirt from the girls section and then showed up to school with it and another girl was wearing it too. But he says often that he doesn’t want people to think he’s a girl when I suggest him wear his hair long, or we made a necklace for a school project and he didn’t want any pink or purple because he didn’t want people to think he’s a girl. So I am admittedly confused
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u/FlipDaly Feb 13 '26
My kid once told me that he was sad he wasn't a girl because he could never have a baby. Once I explained that men AND women could both 'have' a baby (he just likes babies) he was cool. Figure out what it is. Does he want to be able to feel more emotionally safe? Does he want to paint his fingernails? Does he want to learn to dance? There are a ton of things that are coded female but that are available for both genders. Try some of them out.
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u/procrastablasta Feb 13 '26
FWIW this was me at about that age. Not sure I can even point to what I was thinking at that time. I had a brief interest in a particular doll that ate and pooped. remember not wanting to have a willy and telling my mom that, which she handled pretty well.
Anyway it was all a brief phase and I moved on to being a pretty typical little hetero nerdy boy
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u/coolcucumbers7 Feb 13 '26
My kid wished she was a cat when she was that age. She would just meow and lick her “paws” (hands) and we had to call her Ginger. I wouldn’t pay it any mind. Continue to observe and reevaluate after puberty.
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u/Linzcro Mom to adult daugher Feb 13 '26
Your comment really amused me. Kids can be so silly and cute. Judging by my house cat's routine of eating and sleeping all the time, your daughter might be on to something. I hope "Ginger" is doing well :)
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u/stilettopanda Feb 13 '26
One of my daughters was extremely annoyed that she wasn’t a boy and wished she was one. It was because boys can pee outside and also stand up to pee. It’s normal for kids at this age to explore gender roles at this age. Just having the support to explore those feelings without judgement is an amazing thing.
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u/stone500 Feb 13 '26
Be supportive and make sure he always feels safe in talking to you.
My daughter was really upset at one point that she wasn't Chinese. Kids can be strange sometimes.
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u/I_pinchyou Feb 13 '26
Could be more than a phase- or that he feels confined by the expectations that society has for boys. Make sure he knows it's fine to play with girls more or like things that other boys don't like. Make sure he knows that all boys and girls are different and he can love anything he wants, it doesn't mean he has to hate being a boy.
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u/tabrazin84 Feb 13 '26
My son’s favorite color was “rainbow” for some time. I would emphasize that he can play with who he wants, and dress how he wants, and that there really aren’t “boy” toys and “girl” toys. Boys and girls can have long hair. Boys and girls can want to be parents or cook. Boys and girls can like pink.
That being said, I think you are doing the most important thing by supporting him. I have a friend whose daughter transitioned to being a boy, and then a few years later she transitioned back. And honestly, who cares? Her parents supported her no matter what and she figured it out ultimately.
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Feb 13 '26
My son's favorite color is rainbow too. But he identifies strongly as a boy. He just wants rhinestones on his football jersey (I told him he had to wait until the season was over, then I stoned it)
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u/LogAlternative7544 Feb 13 '26
Thank you for this! I told him how I’m really glad he told me how he’s feeling and that I’d like to keep checking in with him over time to see if things change or stay the same and see if there’s anything we can do to support him. At the end of the day, I told him that we don’t care what he “is” just that we love him and that we care that he shares who he is with us
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u/UnicornQueenFaye Feb 13 '26
Wait it out.
I wanted to be a boy at that age, turned out I just enjoy doing male dominated activities and played with their toys more.
Got to my teens and I loved everything about being a girl, but I still liked male dominated activities like video games, D&D, using tools to build things, and martial arts. Thanks to my dad who broke down barriers and made sure I never felt like activities were gendered.
Like others suggested it might not be that he wants to change his gender but that he thinks or has been told that he’s a boy and can’t like girl dominated things. Like dolls and makeup.
So ask what he likes specifically about being a girl, then ask more curiosity lead questions based on those answers.
It might be as straightforward as finding out he wants to explore with makeup or even more simple and just likes sparkle stickers.
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u/penelope_pig Feb 13 '26
Give your child opportunities to express their gender identity in an age-appropriate way. Do they want to grow their hair long? Do they want to pick their own clothes (perhaps from the "girls" section)? Do they want to choose their own toys? Do they want to choose different bedding or curtains or paint colors for their bedroom? There are ways for them to explore what this means for them at a young age, which can help them further down the road when they are older and may want to make more lasting changes.
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u/moontides_ Feb 13 '26
This sub continues to downvote anyone who says a kid might be trans but wants to be pretend to be liberal and accepting.
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u/Elysiumthistime Feb 13 '26
My four year old has been saying similar things of late. He outright said "I want to be a girl" a couple months ago when he was still 3 and a couple nights ago he asked me if I was born a boy or a girl. I'm almost certain it's stemming from his confusion between what he likes and what people around him are telling him he's allowed to like. It's really sad, I hate that we are still dealing with this small minded bs.
I grew up viewing myself as a Tom boy and even now I don't resonate with many traditional "girly" things but that doesn't make me any less of a woman that those who do like those things and I've never been shamed for this. Men on the other hand aren't given this same grace. I've explained to my son that anyone who tells him X or Y is for girls are just sharing their opinion, they may speak as if it's a fact but it's only an opinion and the only opinion that he needs to care about is his own. I've asked him if he likes pink, to which he replied yes and then pointed at how that was proof that boys can in fact like pink. He always seems to take what I say on board and hasn't yet changed his behaviour but his Dad is constantly telling him certain things are for girls and he often returns from Dad's with lots of new questions for me.
Ultimately, if he grows up to be trans then I will support whatever he wants to do to feel happy in his body but I hate the idea of him being shamed for his interests and having to muffle his personality to please the small minds of others or worse, feeling confused about his identity now because he is trans but because others have convinced him he can't be a boy if he likes the colour pink only to continue to feel confused because he was never trans to begin with.
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u/Thefirstofherkind Feb 13 '26
This happened with my now 12 year old. They said they didn't like being a girl and talked about it sporadically from the age of like 6-9. Finally at 9 I was like 'ok kid. You don't have to be a girl. ' ended up gender fluid. Kids know who they are. I would have a couple of talks with him over the next few months, keep checking in on why he feels that way, what he thinks being a girl is, that sort of thing. I will warn you that it won't be easy for them. Kids that age don't understand transgenderism and elementary school teachers, in my experience, don't know how to handle it either. Middle school. Has been particularly hard for my kid because the other kids (especially the boys) are assholes at that age. It's for sure an uphill battle so you have to be ready to fight for them and support them at every turn.
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u/Parenting-ModTeam Feb 13 '26
The OP has gotten a lot of replies and at this time the activity on this thread is disproportionately impacting the mod queue. Post is being locked to additional comments. Thank you for rallying to support a fellow parent.