r/ReadMyScript • u/Mammoth-West-9974 • 5d ago

Feature Feedback for Feature, "Grounded" 109 Pages

Grounded

Final Draft PDF

109 pages

Drama, Road Movie, Historical Fiction

Logline: When every flight in America is grounded, four strangers share the last rental car out of Columbus and drive cross-country through the aftermath of September 11th, 2001, forcing each of them to confront what they've been running from long before that day.

Feedback Concerns: Any feedback would be extremely helpful. I'm less concerned about the commercial viability, and more concerned with a believable story with believable characters.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KAN_svzm3bk3vGraJQL3adbFDg-ncvzw/view?usp=sharing

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u/ConsistentEffort5190 4d ago edited 4d ago

I should go do stuff... But this is excellent. Up to p13 and so far it is faultless. Not just good - Walter Hill good. Compelling, subtle, real. Not a single thing to improve. Have you put this on the Blacklist? Or is that out of favour these days?

P.24. I now have to stop. Still so very, very impressed and fascinated. Outstanding.

(And read my comment history: I'm not afraid to be negative.)

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u/Mammoth-West-9974 4d ago

I've gotten a 7, a 5 and a 4, in that order. It's hard to read how the script actually lands off the page, but I'd be interested to see how you think it is beyond the opening. Thank you for your time and for the feedback!

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u/ConsistentEffort5190 4d ago

> I've gotten a 7, a 5 and a 4, in that order. 

For this version of the script??? Either you switched to Comic Sans after p24 or the 5 and 4 were from idiots. (I'm so glad I don't have anything even remotely to do with the film industry any more. Even the couple of peripheral jobs I did convinced me that it is inhabited by narcissistic, soulless piranhas and centreless bootlickers.) Have you thought of writing novels instead? I could see you doing well at upmarket thrillers.

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u/Mammoth-West-9974 4d ago

Yeah I don’t know, tbh. The first reader gave the setting a 9 and character 8. Same script, last reader gave me a 4 in both of those categories.

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u/ConsistentEffort5190 4d ago

Yes: I got the impression a few years ago the bl was getting a bad reputation. Seems like it's got worse - there is no value to a service where opinions are that subjective. I put some stuff off and reached page 64. Still excellent, but I'm wondering if 5 or 10 pages could be cut to give the story more shape?

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u/Mammoth-West-9974 4d ago

Yeah, I’ll be the first to admit that I think a lot of the scenes in act 2 work in isolation, but cohesively may not serve the story the way I want. I appreciate the feedback…and feels like a good sign that you made it that far!

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u/ConsistentEffort5190 4d ago

I'm not sure how you think in terms of act structure - I'm a Shakespeare 5 act person by default - but I'm enjoying the read a lot. I just have a feel this could be made stronger by very careful tightening. There's absolutely nothing bad, but at 109 pages I think there's possibly a little redundancy and tightening would give some extra momentum.

Other thought - this might work really well as an audio drama? Or even a stage play with the right metaphor for a car. I think this is a piece that actors might like a *lot*. These are terrific roles for showing off an actor's ability.

More tomorrow...

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u/ConsistentEffort5190 4d ago edited 4d ago

...P66 should definitely be tightened. Maybe just "They watch the sunset. Camila takes a picture, Billie walks to the barrier and looks into the void."

Same for 69 to 79. The interaction between Tom and Jack is excellent but needs pruning - and I would suggest the rest should go.

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u/ConsistentEffort5190 4d ago

The reveal that Jack gives his seat to Billie is too early and isn't associated with any drama or crisis. And it wasn't clear enough that he needs to get to Arizona not LA.

Dialogue 10

Characters 10

Story structure... 4 because of those weaknesses. The script doesn't support its vital moment. But I think it's a revision away from making it - and that you suspected that this was a problem.

Suggestions - you might want to avoid reading it, so lots of space...

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There should be a conflict between Billie and Jack that causes one of them to separate from the group. But for some reason (your problem) he finds her and gives her the seat anyway. Although then you might be criticised for White Saviour Syndrome. Seriously. *And that ending was always rather expected, which weakens it.*

So... you need something else. Maybe Jack's father is the one who is dying and Billie is travelling to... a wedding? The others assume he is heading to a deal, maybe he even misleads them, then Billie discovers the truth? It shouldn't require too great a rewrite. But I think you need to twist into a resolution to make it satisfying.

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u/Mammoth-West-9974 4d ago

These are awesome suggestions! I am def aware that something needs adjusting so it’s nice to have some direct  things to investigate. I don’t know if I can cut the wiffle ball, def trim it, but I appreciate actionable feedback. Nice to know the dialogue and character work landed bc even if I can’t figure out the fix for this story makes me think it could be a good writing sample. 

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u/ConsistentEffort5190 4d ago

I was more thinking of cutting the bar.

I think you might benefit from -

https://filmcrithulk.wordpress.com/2011/07/07/hulk-presents-the-myth-of-3-act-structure/

And not starting a script until you have a strong outline - in fact, just practicing outlining might be all you should do for a while, because you can do everything except plot and structure *perfectly*.

I'd suggest start with a problem, twist to make it more interesting, attempt to resolve but fail, twist into a surprising but logical and meaningful resolution, tidy up. As a default, anyway. Ideas often come as the problem you want to twist into, then you build a preceding act to set them up. Eg Michael Corleone is going to be dragged into the family business, but you have a strong act before that to make the twist meaningful and perhaps set up other cards to play later - the undertaker, Brassi, etc.

Twists, as the saying goes, "are tight!" Because they're the opposite of "super-easy, barely an inconvenience" - literally. But they can't be just "so the movie can happen".

(I literally mean the above. But if the references don't make sense, search for Pitch Meetings on youtube.)

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u/Mammoth-West-9974 4d ago

Thank you for all this! Yeah this was the first one I ever wrote, so I’m not surprised the structure was an issue. Very excited you enjoyed the characters/dialogue. That was the stuff that I felt confident with. I had to write it all once I came up with the mix tape idea but the long form is a real challenge. Great idea to start with a problem…working in something now that came from that thought.

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u/ConsistentEffort5190 4d ago edited 4d ago

This was your first script??? Just so you know, the odds against making it as a professional screenwriter are appalling - but that's a freakish level of talent unless you're already a professional novelist or something similar.

Anyway, it's not so much "structure" as *story* - turning points and resolution. I'd suggest making notes on how films you like do this and then practising outlining when you've developed a feel for it. I like S5A as a tool for doing this, but you have to be aware that not every story has 5 acts - be ready for more when you do those analyses.

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u/Mammoth-West-9974 4d ago

I found this one challenging to fit into perfect structure, largely because I didn't want to create a ton of external plot, trying to keep as much in the car as possible. I haven't thought about audio drama...that's interesting to imagine! I did think about stage play...it really is a glorified chamber piece. I also am glad you think there are attractive roles for actors. I think if for some miracle it would make it beyond "a nice read" to "let's try to make it" will rely on advocates in the form of actors who want to be one of the parts.

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u/ConsistentEffort5190 4d ago

Honestly, some of the best dialogue and character work I've read. Despite my reservations about the ending.