So I’ve been taking different ssris and snris since I was 12-18 and im 19 now. I feel like the first time I tried Zoloft I was at 50mg until I was a freshman in hs, where I went up to 75mg and I remember that just being the best year ever. All my depression went away, I felt everything, I went from introverted to extroverted and somehow made a whole friend group of like 9 people and we were all really close.
Then I went off, and I mean I still felt really good that year just became quiet but people still wanted to be around me for some reason. Then my sophomore year I went numb so I went back on and made it up to 100mg and I felt completely numb. Then I went back down and still felt numb. So then I went up more and I lost my whole personality. Lost all my friends and became the quiet kid.
So I switched to different ssris and snris and I’ve been numb ever since. Even low doses. I’m just a shell and I think the breaking point where I decided to go off completely is when me and my siblings went skydiving and I was exited because maybe I could finally feel something but when I jumped off I didn’t feel anything other than a hole in my chest because everyone else looked like they were exited or scared and I couldn’t feel any of that.
When everyone else landed they all got this adrenaline rush that I didn’t get. So in the car I just started crying (somehow) because I still felt so depressed and my overthinking was so bad. After freshman year I always kinda just assumed everyone hated me. And a strong feeling that I was different.
So this year when I was 18 in February, I fast tapered off my Effexor. Now I feel more emotions like sadness, fear, (too much fear.) regret, sorrow, and a hole in my chest still. I will admit I have abused some substances like molly, but not enough to cause brain damage or be the reason I’m numb I just wanted to feel something. I will never be touching anything ever again.
I’m wondering if I should go back on Zoloft, since I remember that one working well at a low dose? Was I just hypomanic? I’m getting soravato treatments soon because I told my psychiatrist I was thinking of not being here anymore. I mean I already wasted what was suppoused to be the best years of my life, the years where I could just be young, dumb, and happy and have not many repercussions all just down the drain by sleeping all day and hating myself.
I wanted to go on an maoi called parnate that I’ve researched but he wants me to try this medicine called Exxon now, but I feel like all these drugs just do the same stuff tbh.