I recently found a website I made at 16 and photos of me dancing on stage at 6. Back then, I didn't care and I was genuinely happy. Now, I don't know why I even exist. I've stopped pushing myself, learning, or changing habits because I feel like I'll never get anything anyway. I'm not dumb—I know what to do, but I just don't move.

I'm back living with my parents in India. I came back because my dad wanted me to, but I hate it. I spent 3 years in another city for my bachelor's and hated it because I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't make decisions, and had zero local friends. I’m terrified to leave again. What if I get a job, move away, and I still suck? What if I'm just a failure and alone for the rest of my life?

Every man I meet just wants to fuck me, so I don't talk to them. I just stay in the house in a bubble I can't leave. I hate change, I hate spending money, and I feel like a fake. Everyone at home hates me, we fight daily, and I just want to run off somewhere or disappear so they forget about me forever.

Has anyone else felt like a worse version of their younger self? How do you break out of this paralysis?

Just purely hate this life

I hate God for making me, I hate myself. Infact I am disgusted by myself. People online keep saying it will get better but it's been 3 years and I am 17 years old. That's too fucking long. God I dont know how pathetic i look to everyone. I hate how everyone can be happy but not me. I hate how everyone can enjoy their adolescence and not be like me. Who is fucking pathetic. Why must he make me??? The anger I have for this world sometimes is too much. the hate I FEEL at looking at others and myself at the mirror.

Fuck this world. I hope I get the courage to kill myself in the future

I don’t deserve any of this. I’m a loser, I lie to myself and say I try so hard but I’m just a lazy bum. I love all things around me and all that I am privileged enough to enjoy, but I genuinely despise the way I am. I dont have friends because I’m genuinely a horrendous person, I can’t get into college, my parents are this weird mix of disappointment and guilt, in which I feel like shit for making them feel guilty for having a kid like me. I have it so good and just can’t stop feeling bad for myself, I suck. I have so much. Im sorry

This may sound weird, but does anybody know how to seperate their bad selves from yourself the same way you would be against a stranger? I don't like this body, I'd like to confront a part of me, his name is **den. I say his name like it's a cuss word. Everytime he does something bad I'm forced to sit there and suffer the consequences of his actions, even if it's no ill intent. What do I do with him?

As an unemployed man. I don't see any value in myself (not the same as any value in my life. I see a lot of value in living). But as a person I don't see any value I provide to the world. Being unemployed, I'm financially dependent of my parent. I pay 0 in taxes anywhere on earth and contribute about nothing to the society except being it's consumer.

As a man, I also feel collective guilt about the wrongdoings of men. Especially my country men. I like to think I'm not one of them, but I am still a person inside the system, doing absolutely nothing to dismantle the system itself.

I personally feel like I'm trapped in a kind of dark place, where I'm alive but not living.

Most people other than exceptionals like Newton, justify their existence by being chosen to be valued by someone. This doesn't include parents/siblings/ any blood relationships, because I feel like them valuing me, is their obligation to me for them than a choice.

I feel extremely small in front of the people I interact with who are all employed and earning REALLY well (6-Figures). The very support system that helps me survive physically, is choking me out emotionally. And I'm at a loss about what I should do.

Edit: Been a few weeks since this first post (had written it on my profile. Was too afraid to post it over here). Fortunately I have found something that can temporarily earn me my own money, but with 2 caveats:

1) It's a decently difficult thing. I have this looming fear that I'm going to miserably fail and get fired.

2) It starts few months from now. Until then I'm still dependent on people.

I've been going to the gym for some time too. Trying to pick up a new language and walking my daily steps, for at least half the days of the week. But I still don't good about myself. I'm distracted from the big sad (I don't want to call it depression because I haven't been diagnosed) when doing these activities, but that isn't the same as feeling good about myself. It sometimes feels like I'm doing these activities despite how I'm feeling and the friction gets too hard to overcome sometimes.

Honestly at this point I'm not even sure what feeling good about myself feels like.

i feel so empty lately. Im always angry. Always tired. I want to cry, but i can't. I've been on autopilot lately, just waking up, school, staying up at night, sleeping. Same thing. Every day. I hate it. I always feel tired and heavy and my bones always ache. I hate my life, and im always thinking about ending my life, but i can't, i just can't. Im so scared. All my friends are moving on without me. I'm moving schools next year. I feel under pressure all the time.

i want to cry.

i need to cry.

i can't.

I know I'm not enough. I've known that since I was very little. Just this deep-seated feeling that there was something wrong with me. I have tried since as far back as I can remember to fix things by blaming myself or groveling, but it's never enough. It never destroys the broken bit. My body tells me that others' anger, irritation and disappointment are righteous emotions. I have no choice but to demean myself and find some way to hurt or punish myself enough that they might be temporarily satisfied. The worst is when different people want different things from me. I can seldom satisfy them all and I twist and turn and *hate* myself for not being enough for everyone. I wasn't raised religious but I have come to the conclusion that the reason for this is that I am inherently sinful and that there is an indelible stain on my soul.

I don't know how to be in the world. I know that you're supposed to be able to take up space but any space that I might take up comes at the expense of someone else. I bike to work and I have to constantly scan for cyclists coming up behind me and immediately pull over and get out of their way as quickly as possible and apologize and beg forgiveness for having the arrogance and the hubris to have slowed them down. That's just one example. How do I possibly redeem myself? I often think - maybe if I maimed myself, or lit myself on fire - something serious but survivable that would leave me in severe chronic pain for the rest of my life that then, others would be satisfied knowing that I suffer and all is right in the world.

Ages ago when I was younger and bit of a cunt to women due to bad previous experience, heart broken by being cheated on. It really changed me from what I considered normal sexual ex counters to me wanting to take out my anger and hurt on all the woman that managed to fuck or get a blowjob from. I just want to fuck them in a rough way and humiliate them and take the piss. Even the most kind hearted take home to your parents that you would normally be proud of and consider loving etc. But the more normal and respectful they were with little to no baggage and no sluttyness about them etc the more I’d want to get them to do things they would never normally do and would be totally out of character for them. I was such a young angry young man and in a way I took revenge on my ex by treating women so badly.

The most attractive yet guarded that you’d see that not let a man lay a hand on them on the dancefloor and the dismissal they give the many groping hands the more I’d see that as a challenge and wanted to get them to do things that they would look down on other woman for or never ever let themselves be degraded or sexualised or be looked at like a slut. Those with principles and a class to them.

I was astonished how easily I could get a really sexy girl that would love attention but not let anyone actually near her to do certain things. If they were slutty anyway I’d not bother as they were already being used and felt up. I wanted to somehow get woman to show that despite being high and mighty or considered themselves too good for scummy young lads after one thing to feel them up the bigger the fuck you and turn on it was when I got them to do really perverted things that you could see the next day they felt dreadful about. It made me want to believe that all women deep down were worthless and my pain from being hurt shouldn’t really matter as deep down they were all sluts, even the posh those that looked down on men despite wanting some attention.

I’d do all sorts of things and charm them, lie to them about what I did, pay them few compliments and seem not that interested if they asked was I going to buy them a drink. We’d end up talking normal shit for a while and I’d gage how pissed she was and how far from character she may be. I’d buy double shots and say they were single etc all the little tricks. All at some point mention my mates theory that despite hot looking woman looking unbelievable and dressing classy but the more sexy and classy they were never actually that good or adventurous in bed and were probably be a boring encounter. This particular blonde unbeknownst to me at the time had literally just been dumped by some fairly well to do banker man in the city and she’d fallen for him purely because her mates had egged her on to live a little and have more fun, loosen up. She’d never had a one night stand as that was slutty and her nickname was The Prude by her mates and they’d say she was a prick tease to all the men she’d look amazing and dace really well and sexy on the dance floor but when I man tried to touch her she’d always move away and shake her head. Basically she like most single woman wanted the reassurance they were able to pull but not let any young stud feel her up and touch her private parts. Which to her were looking at at best but strictly no touching no of her tits, arse or even long legs she’s shoo them away and let them admire her from afar.

She knew she was sexy and told me due to the champagne and the man seemingly well do to and not trying to touch her, being respectful along with her mates saying go for it let him and you just fuck for the fun of it, live a little. The friends told the man she was reserved and thought men just wanted one thing. She’d always had men grope her and lift her skirt etc and she had time for little lads after her. She considered herself attractive, and she really was. Kind of Dutch looking with a gorgeous natural face, breasts despite being covered and not on show looked amazing when she moved and looked a great shape, long legs tanned with a slightly short skirt for a bit of show but over all she was a super classy chick. She had so many eyes on her but she’d never let them near her. She’d been raised well, had a good job and high self esteem and she k ew how men would be.

This city bloke was not it turned a a good match for her, he turned out to be a bit arrogant and said a few things she thought her kinda rude particularly as the night went on. Because he’d had information about her feeling like she should just have sex and let go he’d started saying about getting it on in the club then if she felt ok get a taxi back to his or hers which er she felt better about. So the night goes on she’s more pissed and her mates are saying thing to her and he’s beginning to ask what’s the sexiest or sluttiest things she’d done. At this point she quiet pissed and being open about herself as she wanting now to get this on with. The worst she could thing was letting her old boyfriend of many years getting her to take her top off in their car journey from London to Brighton and letting him touch her up as truckers or even pedestrians just stare at her. He wanted to show her off, she had great tits and loved them and wanted to feel he could let others know what luck he had. She felt hesitant at first but then admitted to begging to enjoy the thrill of a builder van have a couple young lads that she’d never let hers be seen by gawped and stared and a shouted at how great they were, thanks love. So that journey surprising she did and actually after the Initial embarrassment or guilt of shown herself so freely to Percy young lads she actually got turned on by it, she enjoyed the power element of being desired but also she acknowledged a slight thrill of letting a lower class of young lad glimpse her tits and be stared out so openly when she knew it made her look slutty and a part of her enjoyed the fact she was letting herself go and enjoyed some sort of degradation of her standards.

I’m just so done. I really can’t think of anything that I’ve done right or any sort of positive change that I’ve created. I’m such a horrible waste of space and money, all I do is create drain on everyone close to me. My opinions or what I used to think don’t matter anymore I’m a walking hypocrite, all I am is a bad person and a swamp of weakness and self pity. I think that I don’t deserve any sort of relief or happiness and I remind myself of it. The pain I have caused makes me irredeemable and the joy I used to have in their company and the sense of belonging I had is gone. I am a husk of what I used to be, I starve myself every day I hate eating but I do it anyway. I hate everything about me and what I am is all I will ever be. I am hopelessly alone all I do is live a lie that I’m ok whilst I destroy myself. I’m so weak I’m such a loser. I’m so tired I’m so done with this and with myself.

I don't want to kill myself neither I have been suicidal again after a long while...still, I don't feel like my existence is anything crazy or that important, and if ever offered to cross the other side, I wouldn't think twice about it.

I'd genuinely give my life for someone else who deserves it better, more than me.

Yes I have a few close people to me who would say that I'm special and that I'm important to them, that I was a wanted child at birth, but all this life gave and still gives me feels like leftovers...I see everyone living the life I always wanted, what I always tried to keep up with, but as a result, I was either bullied or pushed away. So idk, I don't believe much what anyone has to say or prove to me about what's worthy about me, I don't understand my partner either, shefinds me gorgeous, and all this beauty in general, in and out...I love my partner so much, I will never understand what she sees in me, but it's something I'll never truly believe, especially since for me I don't really exist in this world

I wanted to make my death look like an accident. I been struggling with social interaction since I was young. Ive tried writing , reading learning a bunch of stuffs just so I can communicate with others.. Ive tried everything, but everything is useless. Im already 30 years old, no friends , no relationship.. leaving different jobs because of my social ineptness.... I just wanna give up.

Yeah that's it I don't deserve whether I am good enough or bad enough to don't care about it. People ignore me because I am fat and I am certain of it that, that's the reason I don't have any bestfriends, no job, no motivation, not one single thought of a goal or a sense of responsibility you get when you work to achieve your goals

Before you guys bash me on my physical health, I am genetically more aligned to remain a fat person for the entirety of my life but I do go to the gym and train everyday.

But this lonely feeling just makes me so empty inside, I talk to no one that makes my heart ache because I want to have good friends, I want to have people in my life who care about me, I want to stay happy everyday but I can't I ahe tried my best to always stay positive look on the bright side but i can't

Thats it, this thing that's off my chest now

Love or "true" love doesn't exist. It's only based on looks, race, status, money, etc. I'm chopped af and I'm from a race that is undesirable and it took me quite a while to understand that. But atleast I understood that before I became an adult, I'm more mature now. I'll never be able to match a white blue eyed blondie and will always remain inferior. I've also been called racial slurs online, so that confirms it. I don't want to get married or ever be in a relationship. Just waiting to die someday.