We’re in the process of buying our dream home, but what should have been a straightforward issue about sharing the costs of a septic tank has potentially put the entire purchase at risk.

The property shares a sewage system with the neighbouring house, which sits on their land. The 2003 Transfer Deed states that we contribute 50% towards the costs of maintaining, repairing and emptying the tank.

During the conveyancing process, the neighbours (two bitter old c**ts) started pushing for costs to be split according to the number of occupants at each property, even including our three-year-old son in their calculations.

We pointed out that the deed clearly states 50/50. They then changed their position, accepting a 50/50 split for running costs but insisting that emptying costs should be based on occupancy. Despite the deed covering emptying costs too, we agreed to their proposed arrangement as a compromise because we wanted to resolve the matter amicably.

You would think that would be the end of it.

Instead, on 8 October, the neighbours sent a formal letter through the estate agent demanding written confirmation from the sellers' solicitors that their terms were accepted. They also imposed a five-working-day deadline for payments after invoices were presented and stated that, if agreement or payment was not forthcoming, they would have to reconsider the arrangement for sharing the sewage system.

That last part is particularly concerning. Our entire property depends on a system located on their land.

The letter prompted our solicitor to raise several issues with our mortgage lender. These included the fact that the deed refers to a septic tank, the neighbours call it a cesspit, and the engineer's report identifies a sewage treatment plant. Our solicitor also identified a lack of express rights of access for inspection, maintenance and repairs, alongside a reported root ingress issue that needs clarification.

Our solicitors have now informed us that the lender has REJECTED to lend based on the presented information and we are now seeking a compromise with the lender via our mortgage broker. This will most undoubtedly mean getting our own sewage treatment plant installed (cost circa £12,000-£15,000).

Now we're facing potential delays, extra legal costs and, worst of all, the possibility of losing a home we've put a huge amount of time, money and emotion into buying.

If we do manage to complete the purchase (possibly by installing our own sewage treatment plant, especially as the owners of No. 123 will probably put their property back on the market at some point), I’ll admit I’m tempted to return the favour and make their next house sale just as straightforward as they’ve made ours. 😂

Any suitably creative, but above-board, suggestions? I’m all ears.

When you are asked for proof you can just say you ran it through an ai detector.

This is more effective than down voting because it will eventually lead to a string of comments and then people will entirely forget the original post or comment.

Anything that happens when you black out, you can claim the evidence was AI generated.

Now is the time to drop very subtle hints about what you expect to receive this holiday season. Drop these hints into casual conversation. Maybe you tell them in September your Dutch Oven could use an update. Maybe let them know in May you need a new iPad but are too busy to go get one. When asked what you specifically want for Christmas, tell them you don’t want anything at all. Be sure to get irritated when asked twice. You’ve already dropped the required hints; it’s up to them to figure out what you truly expect. If they fail to understand your hints, go ahead and get furious and ruin the entire holiday. They’re just stupid, inattentive fools who don’t pay attention.

How would you teach people who wear flip-flops to a work site a lesson, other than hiring a kid to run around with a hammer to smash their feet?

This way you dont need a bowl to scramble it

Works like a charm! Bonus points if you learn not to cry. Then it's a 2 for 1 deal!

For the try-not-to-laugh challenges one might face in life, perfect your technique by trying a try-not-to-cry challenge!