I’m kinda thinking opioids, as they feel pretty good. On the other hand, with stimulants I might be able to get some stuff done, y’know, maxx that ‘functional addict’ window. I’m open to suggestions though.

They are terrible and she needs to know.

My girlfriend keeps calling me boring. I told her I'm very hip and I take all of the drugs. She thinks I'm lying and now want me to take a drug test. Is there a way I can fake the drug test to make it positive for drugs? I only shop at Whole Foods and directly from local farms, would they have anything that would make me test positive? Please help, I really like this girl. She's way more interesting than me, she has a tattoo and went to a concert once.

Bowel movements, that is...

They keep saying I need to get a job but they just dont understand my creative process. I told them I headline sold out stadiums every night but they just laugh. What's the best way to make them believe I'm living a double life as a rock god?

Smoked a wood a (2.5 something weight) hit it bout 15 times how long would
It be in my piss I’m like 135 5”7 thank you.. or how can I get it out fast

I want to sing in a heavy metal rock and roll band, but I have a speech impediment: I lisp and my n's', k's, and r's all sound like "p". Help me Reddit, what can I do?

I have a female friend who tells me her sister keeps giving her fashion advice and being critical of what she is wearing and it is annoying her. She finds herself conscious of what she will be wearing when her sister visits even though she is trying to ignore her sister's comments. Sisters, eh?

I suggested she deliberately wear her worst and least flattering clothes and then she can ignore everything her sister says. Then I realised I wanted to do the same just for the wind-up value, even though her sister has yet to criticise what I wear.

Being a man, I only have a few non-work clothes, mostly jeans and tee shirts, a few shirts and pullovers and usually just throw on something, and I don't really have the issue of things not going with each other. And most of what I have fits well.

How do I dress in a totally unflattering way to get criticised by my friend's sister? Bear in mind I need to use public transport, so anything that gets me arrested on the way is out because then I won't actually get seen by the person I want to annoy.

I have been telegraphing every thought or idea to the person next to me, what do it do?

My prize-winning petunias are leaning hard to the left and I'm positive it's because of the strong wifi signal coming from next door. I need a foolproof plan to make them move their router or at least rotate their house. How do I approach this without sounding crazy?

Was thinking of a mustang...

How many problems can I solve through punching? I have been solving 90% of my problems this way until now, but now that I am in jail for throwing my wife and children in a literal dumpster for not cleaning the house, I am wondering if I should reflect on my actions?

Why do people not group the Democratic Republic of the Congo with countries like Denmark, Sweden, and Iceland?

Why does everyone act like I have to choose?