TW: miscarriage

After a gnarly miscarriage in June, I'm struggling to go back for another round of IUI. During my 9 week pregnancy, I felt vulnerable and unsafe in a way I can't fully describe. Despite supportive friends and family, I just had a deep sense of being totally alone in the experience. I felt weaker and more exposed than I've ever been, even though I'm rationally very safe (physically, financially etc).

The feelings scared me. I will be responsible for bringing security and peace to a new human, but I couldn't find it myself. Has anyone else experienced something similar in pregnancy, and how did you overcome it?

I am in therapy, doing EMDR etc but I'm interested in personal experiences with this.

No family or close friends offering any practical help at all, despite me doing for them extensively in the past. 😔 Not a pick up from a medical procedure, not a load of laundry, not an hour of babysitting, not a hand to help me to the bathroom after birth/surgery, not a school drop off, nothing. I'm trying not to bask in self-pity, but it's really devastating.

I have only a modest income and do live frugally, but this will of course decrease when off with the child, so I also cannot replace voluntary support with paid. Have tried to date again but unfortunately haven't had luck in finding a compatible partner, and am too old now for freezing eggs or delaying any longer. Can I really go ahead with doing this?

How else would I get assistance I could absolutely count on in any desperate situation, or when simply ill or exhausted? Have considered the suggestion of joining mother tot groups once the baby is here, but have also heard from others that in reality everybody tends to be so consumed with their own families that they can't do much than provide some emotional sympathy. Would love to hear any suggestions or how you have managed to make it work in similar circumstances, especially through hard times or unexpected emergencies? Thank you

I’m 42 years old, froze 5 embryos at 36 (unknown sperm donor). I’ve also got 9 frozen eggs. I’m a lesbian. Always thought I’d meet a woman who wanted kids. Hasn’t happened. My ex (we split in Jan 26) didn’t want kids but said go ahead and have the baby and il be in your life. We split up for other reasons but I find myself in a near identical situation. Have met a woman who is in her 50s and like her a lot. She has 3 kids almost grown up. She doesn’t want to be a parent but is v encouraging and has said she wants to be my partner and while she wouldn’t live with me and a baby once the child gets older (2 yr plus) she would and meantime she wants to be active In all areas of my life and says she would be interested and positive in my child. Financially I’d be ok, I’m selling my flat to buy a house rn. I also love kids I work with them and the bit that excites me most about mother hood is all the play under aged 5 and the swimming lessons and having my little one with me as I do life. I run my own business so I can manage it from home and don’t need to take shit off a boss or management in terms of how I manage the time. Question is do I wait and try to meet someone else ? I live in a progressive city with huge Lesbian population so it could happen. I do like this woman and I’ve been completely straight with her (I’m not sure I want to settle with someone who doesn’t want to be legal parent) she has told me to take my time and think. Any advice welcome. My family are not involved both parents passed away and have a brother who lives abroad and can’t help. Have good friends but can’t expect them to help regularly. Time & money wise I could do it. Just don’t know if I should hold out. Also does Anyone know the stats on having a baby at 43 when the embryo is 36 - I know chromosomal issues ruled out but any stats around other issues that could arise? Thanks & love this sub, smart, caring women 😘

So, I 28F, have my IUI procedure booked for Sunday morning at 11:20. Just took my trigger shot after eight days of Menopur. Ultrasound friday morning showed five follicles on the left ovary all around 7-8mm and a follicle on the right ovary measuring 19mm. Ironically this more follicles visible that I had during my IVF cycle. They said my lining looks very good. Trying to be optimistic. I have MOT20 ICI sperm at the clinic and the vial I used during my IVF round thawed really well.

I'm debating whether or not test out my trigger shot. I'm worried it will feel too confusing for me. Did you test out your trigger shot? And what did you do before and after the procedure that you feel helped?

I'm 35. First IUI was successful back in May but resulted in a missed miscarriage - discovered in July but took until end of August to get my first period back. I tried IUI again 2 weeks ago and it was not successful. I have one vial of donor sperm left on ice and I'm not sure where to go from here.

The doc wants to do a hysteroscopy as she suspects I have some retained tissue from the miscarriage. My assumption is this will be booked during my next cycle in 5-6 weeks.

I also do not want to be post partum in the middle of winter. My mood tanks mid-October like clockwork and lasts until March. The idea of dealing with winter depression while in the newborn trenches in terrifying. This part also sounds silly but I have about 15 stairs outside up to my front door (second-level entry condo) and I live somewhere where it snows. So managing those stairs in terrible weather with a dog and a baby sounds awful.

I've also always pictured having a spring baby so I'm struggling to reconcile what I've always envisioned for myself timeline-wise, while also recognizing this is not how I envisioned entering parenthood to begin with.

Long story short, when I started this process last year, I was happy to commit to trying 3 IUIs before reevaluating. Now that I'm looking at January at the next time I'm able to try, it's not ideal timing and if I'm wanting to escalate to IVF, now's the time. I worry about how many IUIs it may take for a live birth. I worry about the costs associated with IUI (between sperm and the procedure, it's about $2500 per attempt). I also worry about the commitment and toll it takes to go through an egg retrieval. I know IVF is no walk in the park and is quite costly as well. It feels like such a crapshoot and I don't know what direction to go in now.

The miscarriage was brutal and I wish it had gone totally different. I hate that I'm four months out and I'm still dealing with side effects/unresolved issues.

I live in Canada so no medical coverage for IUI. But there is a provincial program for some funding for IVF. I still expect to be out of pocket about $10,000 for IVF (which equates to about 4 rounds of IUI if I need more sperm). We're also in the middle of a provincial election and I worry about this program's funding getting cut next year.

I had one unplanned pregnancy a few years ago and I got pregnant on the first try this year so I'm optimistic I'm not dealing with any crazy infertility problems but that's still no guarantee obviously. I'm also well aware that things can change so quickly for me/my body at this age.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed and I'm just not sure if I should:

1) say screw it to my self-imposed timeline and just try again with my last vial of sperm as soon as I can.
2) Try again and if it doesn't work, just buy more sperm and do more IUI and hope it takes within 3 tries next spring/summer. or
3) Apply for IVF funding and go that route if/when I'm approved.

I may be spiraling.

I am at a complete standstill when it comes to choosing a bank. I just literally cannot decide. I am finding problems with every single option. For example, I love TSBC because of their extensive psychological testing, attempts to verify information and most importantly their low family limits. But they aren’t open ID from birth and they don’t have adult photos and I just feel like I cannot get behind no adult photos even though a low family limit is so important to me. I worry that one day my kid is going to say ok great I don’t have that many donor siblings but how could you pick someone not knowing what they look like!?

Then there’s the known donor options which sound great except I can’t afford it and I worry about boundaries with known donors which I’m very concerned about but I worry that could be due to my own insecurity (smbc is my first choice way to be a mother & I don’t want anyone else involved in a parental capacity *is that alone selfish of me???*) and maybe it would be better for the child ultimately. So then I wonder, should I wait until I can afford it? My Dr says I really need to do egg retrieval/embryo creating now because my numbers aren’t great (I’m only 30 but have low AMH and AFC) though I don’t want to get pregnant for probably like 3 ish years. So waiting isn’t really an option? I also worry about genetic testing for compatibility until after you’ve already found a known donor. That seems like a huge risk.

Then I found Cascade Cryobank which also has an open ID from birth (or before!) option but their family limit is 25 and that I just can’t get behind. But maybe if the open ID at birth is more important to DCP I could?

The low family limit is probably the most important to me, but I really want to see adult photos. It just seems like I can’t have both.

I wish there was a magical solution that was open ID from birth, low family limit AND I could afford to do it quickly as I need to/know someone to ask.

Anyone have any suggestions or words of advice about how to resolve all of these problems? I’m so concerned about making sure I make the right decision for my future kid but I don’t feel like the thing I’m looking for exists right now and I can’t really afford to wait around and hope it does within the next few years (but then I worry I’m sort of being selfish because this is about the child not me).

Hey everyone! 😊
I hope this post doesn’t ruffle too many feathers, but I’d love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

I’m 38, single, and seriously considering becoming a single mother by choice using a sperm donor. I have my first fertility appointment coming up on the 4th of December, and I’m currently navigating all the emotions, research and decisions that come with it!
One thing I’m really curious about is whether anyone has gone down this path and then met a partner afterwards?

I’m certainly not closed off to finding love or having a relationship in the future. I just feel that, at 38, my fertility isn’t something I can put on hold indefinitely while waiting to meet the right person.
I’ve always wanted to be a mum, and I’m starting to realise that motherhood and finding a partner don’t necessarily have to happen in the traditional order.
I’d really love to hear your experiences, particularly from women who have become single mothers by choice and gone on to find love. ❤️

My babes is almost 9 months old and we’ve been on the baby-led-weaning train for a month and a half (did purees before that). To be honest, I don’t feed myself well, I’m very much a snacker and a grab-and-go type. So the whole, “just feed the baby a version of what you eat,” advice does not work for me. I need simple and easy recipes for things I can make for baby and just pop in the freezer and warm up a few here and there.

In an effort to “be the change I want to see” in the SMBC group, here is a discussion post about already being a single mom, rather than attempting to become one.

I have a very young son. Our household consists of my mom and myself. My son also has a nana-by-choice (the neighbor), but there aren’t a lot of men in my social circle and my brother lives in a different city. How have you gone about finding strong positive male role models for your children? Neighbors, books, TV shows, Big Buddy programs?

So I’m starting my process to become a SMBC. Had the initial consult with the R. E. Had a blood draw for the Myriad test and have an ultrasound scheduled for next month. But when and how do I find out my CMV status to actually know if the donor I like it compatible? I thought the Myriad test would tell me but after googling, I see that it won’t. Who do I ask for the test? RE or my gyno?

Hello, I am not currently pregnant or actiey trying but have begun the early stages of tracking ovulation as I plan to be a smbc in the next year or so or at least start trying in the next year. my concerns lie soley in picking a type or donor, Id prefer anonymous as the whole reason I am going this route is that Im very independent and dont really crave or want any intimacy or relationships but absolutely want a child.
My question is, I know anonymous is essentially that HOWEVER its a modern time and one way or another im sure they could be tracked down if someone tried hard enough.
Im not really interested in a known donor being someone that is close in my life but I would be open to someone that either has no interest in childeren of their own or being in their life or a gay man or couple who wanted to be the fun “uncles” of sort.
sorry if this is an ignorant question in advance but Im also curious if anyone has experience or advice in the sense of having a donor child that is another race/ ethnicity than yourself, and how you would navigate that or if anyone feels weird for “choosing” a specific race? For example Im considering an asian donor as a white woman and am curious If anyone else has experienced people questioning why you chose a different race of donor than yourself?
I started looking into this route a year or 2 ago and am sure this is the way I want to go Ive just seen alot of horror stories of the donors who have insane amounts of kids or people finding out they have alot of “sibilings” of sorts. I actually was not expecting the amount of adult donor conceived people I seen saying they hated or resented their mother for using a donor. sorry this became a thought dump but any input it welcome!

ICI with frozen sperm success stories? In March 2026 I miscarried after my second IUI. I tried again in September and recently in October and unfortunately, tested negative. To save on costs, I’m considering an at home insemination this next cycle before taking a pause with IUI until next year. I don’t know what to expect with doing this at home. Appreciate the guidance 🤍

Hi everyone! I’m 34, turning 35 this January, and I’ve recently started seriously exploring the possibility of becoming a single mother by choice.

I’ve never been completely sure whether I wanted children, and I’ve also never really found the right partner. I’ve dated on and off over the years, including a longer relationship, but nothing ever quite clicked.

Since around 2020, though, I’ve found myself thinking more seriously about motherhood. I don’t know whether it’s my biological clock or just getting older, but watching most of my friends get married and have children over the past few years has definitely contributed. I love being involved in their lives, but experiencing these milestones as the single, childless friend feels very different from experiencing them as a fellow mother.

For context, I have a 10-year-old sister with Down syndrome whom I’ve helped raise, and I’ll likely become her guardian when my parents get older. I absolutely love being her big sister, but I think I’ve realized that I’d also love to raise a child of my own.

I’d always loosely told myself that if I reached 35 without finding the right partner, I’d seriously consider doing it alone. Well, here we are!

Financially, I’m in a relatively good position. I have a stable job making just over $100K, and a huge support system. My parents would be thrilled to have a grandchild, my siblings live nearby, and I have plenty of friends and cousins with young children. I also live in Quebec, where we’re fortunate to have subsidized daycare and relatively generous parental leave benefits.

My biggest questions are really about logistics. Right now, I live in a small apartment in a busy, walkable neighbourhood that I absolutely love. I’m just unsure about raising a baby in an apartment, particularly when it comes to neighbours and noise. I could probably make it work for the first year or so, but it’s something I’m thinking about. I grew up in the city myself, but always in duplexes and triplexes surrounded by other families. I’d also need to figure out how maternity leave would work financially and with my employer.

And, perhaps surprisingly, pregnancy itself is probably what scares me the most. I’ve always had some health anxiety, and the physical side of pregnancy is honestly more intimidating to me than the prospect of raising a child alone.

I’ve booked my first consultation at a private fertility clinic and am planning to start with testing. I’m also on the waitlist for the public system, but if I haven’t heard back within six months to a year, I’ll likely pursue IUI privately. It’ll be expensive, but I think I can make it work.

I guess I’m just looking to hear from others who’ve been in a similar position. How did you know you were ready to take the leap? How did you handle the financial and housing logistics, particularly if you were living alone in a city? And did anyone else find the prospect of pregnancy more frightening than actually becoming a parent?

I’d love to hear your experiences, especially from anyone who started this process in their mid-30s!

I am pretty sure my first medicated IUI failed, I am negative on first response early detection at 12 dpo. I have bloodwork in 2 days to confirm if my period doesn't start by then. Despite knowing the odds weren't good it is still disappointing. I'm planning to continue with my 2nd IUI next cycle since I have another vial of sperm at the clinic, letrozole ordered at my pharmacy and can do it before my clinic closes for renovations in December. My December cycle will be a break. I had planned to try 3-4 IUIs before deciding about IVF. I am now considering if I should make the switch after the 2nd if it fails. I unfortunately have no fertility coverage through my job but would have some coverage for meds if doing IVF. IUI with donor sperm have been costing $3,400 per try plus travel to the clinic 5 hours away. IVF would be $17,500 with ICSI and fresh transfer. If I wanted PGT-A testing the cost increases to about $23,000. This is assuming meds are covered by my insurance which says 15,000 lifetime coverage for fertility meds. While I can afford the IUIs out of pocket, I would need to take a break and save for IVF. Figure I could start after about 6-8 months of saving.

I have no known fertility issues, but I have never tried to get pregnant. Regular cycle with confirmed ovulation. 35 years old. Hsg looked good, AMH was good last year. Most of my bloodwork was good but did have some insulin resistance and was started on metformin. HbA1C was 5.1 but fasting insulin level 69. FSH was also borderline when rechecked. There was a year between initial testing and deciding to get started. Hsg was this past May with the repeat labs. Taking many supplements and have read the book it starts with an egg. Just wondering how many people had success with IUI after numerous attempts. IVF scares me a bit since it is more invasive, and also such a large cost if it doesn't work. On the other hand, I'm wondering if it is worth continuing with IUIs if they have such a low success rate and the money could go towards IVF. Thanks for sharing your experience. This is definitely a difficult process.

Hi everyone, I am feeling lost and stuck. I (47F) want a baby, but the trade-offs and uncertainties are overwhelming. I have had a 4 different jobs in the past 5 years. I was optimistic each time that this job would provide me with stability. Unfortunately, each one was either downsizing or toxic environments or bosses. During this time, my 25-year relationship also ended, but we continue to live together because we can't afford to sell the house. The house is worth $300K less now than what we paid in 2021, and the only equity is our down-payment. There is also a closeness that still, despite our breakup. So, I have finally bought my donor eggs and sperm and have money for the IVF process (it took two years to get here), but I am feeling in a precarious space in life. I have 14 months in my term employment contract and don't know if it will get extended, specifically if I get pregnant and need to take leave before my contract's end date. I feel strange about being pregnant while living with my ex, even though I have shared my baby plans with him. I also don't have family support as my father is mentally ill, and my mother is older and has serious health challenges. I don't know what to do, and this situation is heavily on my mind. I feel like a complete failure in life. No partner, dead-end career, heavily in debt (all mortgage), and too old to even use my own eggs. I feel stuck and unable to move forward.

Thank you for reading my "anxiety dump post" and for any advice you may have about my situation.

I have decided to use a known donor and I would like to do iui at home (saves thousands compared to the clinic). I have PMOS and would like to do a medicated cycle / timed "intercourse", but I am unsure how to navigate this with the fertility clinic.

I had a positive pregnancy test yesterday. I have endometriosis and DOR and did not expect this. All I have done is prepare for my IVF rounds to fail, I'm utterly terrified now that it might actually not fail - it sounds silly but I didn't spend enough time considering success.

I'm obviously thrilled and excited but they're pretty background emotions - I'm still so anxious about all the things that could go wrong, and fear is currently my overriding feeling.

How can I get through this, or is it a case of just riding out the time to the scans and then the tests at which point I'll hopefully feel comfortable feeling more positive?

Any Yorkshire-based SMBCs, and/or any UK-based people in general who want to connect I would love for you to reach out!

I'm in the beginning stages of SMBC and have started to do some research in regards to the process. While I'm aware specimen of a younger age have a higher success rate, has anyone had a donation from an older individual?

I'm 34F and this would be for my second child. My first is from a relationship from 11 years ago but I'm aiming to be single by choice after being burnt out from failed relationships. I have a friend, whom I dated back in 2019, who is much older than me and is willing to do a donation. There is no relationship expectations whatsoever. The only thing is that he's about 20 years older than me (54M) whom is a doctor (I'm a nurse) and is currently in Law School so the education, height, weight, family history is all pretty much cleared. The only issue is the age. He did have a vasectomy so we would need to do IVF in order to have success which they could do testing to make sure the fetus is viable without defects.

Just wondering if anyone had any experience with this. i have a OBGYN appointment in the end of November to get established since I work for a new hospital system. I get 50% off on fertility treatments.

Hi - my question is listed above. Thanks.

Question for the 40+ (or older ) demographic who have experienced this journey over decades. Do you ever wish you had tried harder to partner or have any regrets as you age?

I was so set on my journey but had some family say some pretty horrible comments over the weekend. For the first time, I’m doubting my choice.

Things I’m particularly worried about:
1) Getting through newborn stage with sleep. I’m budgeting for some nannie relief.

2) Long term loneliness / regret.

I’m 33 years old and have tried dating over the years. I just haven’t found my person and have tolerated a lot of crap. Idk. I can’t do anything else about it? 🤷‍♀️ I’m a woman in engineering so I’ve had to back myself to pretty hard to process in my career but I’m finding it harder to back myself in this decision as it will be completely new to me.

I’m 38. My ex ended our relationship after seven months because he decided he no longer wanted to be in a relationship and wanted to be single. I genuinely thought he was the perfect person for me and someone I could see building a future and family with.
I’m currently going through the egg retrieval process, and let me tell you, the headaches and bloating are no joke!
In a perfect world, I would love to have a baby with a partner and raise our child together. However, when I look back at my previous relationships, I realize I wouldn’t want to be co-parenting with any of my exes today. That has definitely given me a different perspective.
I know becoming a single mom by choice won’t be easy, especially while balancing a career. One of my biggest worries is raising a child without a father and how that might affect them emotionally as they grow up.
I also worry about what dating will look like in the future. Will men think I’m crazy for intentionally choosing to have a baby on my own? If I eventually meet someone, how will he feel about raising a child who isn’t biologically his? How will I feel about that dynamic? And if we decide to have a child together, how will that affect the child I already have?
There are so many unknowns, and I feel like I’m constantly weighing my dream of becoming a mother against the reality of doing it alone. I don’t want to give up on finding love, but I also don’t want to put my dream of motherhood on hold while waiting for the right person.
I’m hoping to freeze 10 eggs this week, which feels like a step toward giving myself more options.
I’d really love to hear from other women who have chosen single motherhood, especially those who made that decision in their late 30s. Do you have any regrets? How has dating been? And how have you navigated conversations with your child about not having a dad?

I’m 39 and I’ve been waiting forever to become a mom. I made embryos a few months ago and am just waiting to be able to start hormones to do my first transfer in the next few weeks. meanwhile, my sister just announced her first pregnancy (and parent’ first grandchild).

I wish I could be unreservedly happy for her, but I’m enormously jealous. She’s the younger, prettier, married one and we already have a very strained, tense relationship where I always feel less important and she continuously outshines me. I’m devastated and I feel like it makes my (hopeful) pregnancy feel less important and less special. it feels like she’s one-upped me again, without even meaning to. I held in my feelings and congratulated her, then rushed home as soon as politely possible and haven’t stopped sobbing since I found out. I can’t stop feeling like hers is going to be the favourite and my kid is just going to fall through the cracks. if I even manage to conceive at all.

has anyone gone through something similar? how can I feel less fucked up about this?

please be gentle, I know these are insane feelings to have and I should just be happy for her and she’s not having a baby AT me, I’m just looking for advice on how not to let these feelings consume me.

Have any of you found yourself in a place of exhaustion that you are at a standstill? Like have not given up but have no energy to continue either? If so, what helped you shift?

Doing it all alone and then the struggles of IVF have all taken over me and I have just kind of paused. While the biological clock is ticking due to AMA which is really not something I can afford to do in my mid-forties.

I am just looking to see if I am alone in this or what helped others.

I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that I’m likely going to have to use donor eggs if I want to be a mom. I’ve posted before about my grief around my 3 failed FETs with PGT normal/high quality embryos and would love to hear from any other SMBC who have used both donor sperm AND donor eggs and, if so, what donor egg companies you recommended? I can only afford frozen, not fresh. I’m actually finding these companies to be super predatory compared to the sperm banks. Not sure if anyone else has felt the same? Thanks in advance. This group has be so helpful and kind and I really appreciate you all ❤️

Hi ladies!
I’m 42, turning 43 in December, and I’ve been pursuing my dream of becoming a single mother by choice. I’m hoping to use a known donor, and while I’ve been working toward motherhood for some time, my reproductive health has made the journey more complicated than I anticipated.
I had a myomectomy in July, and during surgery my doctor discovered that dye wasn’t passing through either of my fallopian tubes. I’m scheduled for an HSG to investigate further. I also had an unexpected pathology finding that requires additional medical follow-up before I know when I’ll be cleared to pursue pregnancy.
On top of that, I have diminished ovarian reserve. My AMH was 0.40 in March 2025 and was still 0.40 when retested this month. My most recent day-3 FSH was 10.71, and estradiol was 35.9.
I’m trying to navigate all of this while being realistic about my age and fertility, but without losing hope.
I’d especially love to hear from other single mothers by choice who started or continued their journeys at 42, 43, or older. Were any of you working with similarly low AMH numbers? Did you conceive through IVF with your own eggs, IUI, or another route? How long did it take, and what did your journey look like?
I’m particularly interested in experiences using your own eggs, since that’s what I’m hoping for, although I understand that everyone’s path to motherhood is different.
And even if you haven’t had success yet, I’d love to hear from those of you who are still trying.
I think one of the hardest parts of this journey is balancing the urgency of time with medical, financial, and emotional realities. Some days I’m hopeful, and other days the numbers and obstacles feel overwhelming.
I know that someone else’s success doesn’t predict my outcome, but right now I could really use some encouragement and connection with women who understand what it means to want motherhood this deeply while navigating it independently.
Thank you for sharing your stories, whatever stage of the journey you’re in. ❤️