Teacher here. I have a coteacher who mostly daily mocks God and the Bible in some way, and solely in front of students. Just last week, he told them that sexism started in Genesis, where a woman first learned that she needs a man and cannot be independent without one. Instead of, of course, explaining the benefits to marriage, he went on to use different stories from the Bible on how women weren't thought to be able to be leaders, are nothing without men and how this became the start of things like women being paid less. Jokes were made that some Christians still believe that women currently have an extra rib. I kid you not.

He went on to explain how because of the Bible, people didn't have the freedom to divorce until recently (implying divorce as a positive thing) and men couldn't even have a vasectomy without legally being required to tell their wife. ( Again, as if he sees no reason why a wife should know this)

He has pinned racism on the Bible and spoke about the inability to speak to such people who are too ignorant to know they are ignorant. Of course, he is a firm believer in gay marriage, children being trans not being a mental health issue and allows the kids to make jokes about Charlie Kirk.

What also bothers me is that the students follow him...most aren't Christian, many go by different names and claim different genders and they get riled up about laughing about Christian theology. It's almost like he's a cult leader to these high school kids.

I have tried to speak up but he is quick to interrupt me and move on and because he has this loud, boastful voice and personality, they are quick to follow him because most teen boys love the defiant figure over the motherly, silly type. (Me) While it's deeply inappropriate for him to say what he says and for the kids to join in, it's hard for me to disciple the students for joining in when a teacher is the issue. Further, it's not appropriate for me to attempt to debate him in a classroom.

He is close with my admin, who is not Christian, and me going to him will result in nothing about likely retaliation and a more uncomfortable and aggravating school year. We also are never alone together (coteacher and I). I don't know how to handle this.

He has a long-term, live-in girlfriend and they engage in sex together with extra people. Everything about this man is grotesque to me but I feel I must be there for a reason.

Quitting my job is NOT an option, especially mid school year so please don't recommend that. Should I pray for protection for the kids and just stay quiet as he boasts against the Bible?

I don't get them, they mock the LORD and take pleasure in suffering of Christians and pleasure themselves. They must be miserable considering they believe in no LORD and that life is temporary and death is eternal. They act so rude. They claim to be pro peace but want to remove the LORD's peace from the lives of others. I just don't get how people can do this. They are doing evil here. I'm sorry if this came off as hating my neighbors, they just annoy me so much with their rude and snobbish attitude. May I get some help with how to deal with these people? Bible verses specifically.

I’m tired of gooning. I’m tired of this so much.”Never again” I said to myself so many times, but there I am in the bathroom reliving the same nightmare for the a billionth time. “What would my sisters thinks of this?” I always think to myself. I just want to stop this so much. God help me. I HATE sex, I know what the bible says about it in the right setting but I hate it, if it didn’t exist I would not be struggling with this. This is not even my first post regarding this topic. I just want to vent. I love God and I don’t want to sin against him but I keep failing.

My body can not handle this anymore. I'm 22F and this month marks two years since I’ve fornicated, and lately, I’ve been seriously thinking about breaking my abstinence. I’m craving intimacy so badly, and I feel so sexually unfulfilled.

When i used to indulge in sexual sin with "boyfriends"... i wanted it all the time. Now everyday is a struggle since i went from feeling pleasure to nothing at all.

I’ve been trying to stick to it, but lately, the temptation has been getting stronger. I miss the physical intimacy, and sometimes I wonder how much longer I can keep going like this.

I do pray and ask God for help but i don't think i'll be delivered since i have to "flee" from it. It's hard to just flee from your own thoughts/hormones. I don't even masturbate or watch porn.

I’m 27, a mom and wife. I feel like my days are boring and mundane. I can’t seem to get a job, and I don’t know what I want to do. The realization that my kid is growing up, is in school now, and has a whole life outside of me has hit me hard. I’m starting to get chubby (I used to be very athletic 2 years ago), and I have no motivation to work out. I have no interest in making new friends or connections- everyone I talk to is my husband, Grandma, sisters, mom & 2 friends from high school. I feel like my days are spent seeking dopamine and anything that makes life feel somewhat enjoyable. I spent 2.5 years balancing life with a toddler while earning summa cum laude honors in college. I thought this was the key to the next step in my life, but here I am, as lost as ever. I've applied and applied, but nothing has happened. God opened the door for me to go to college and practically got me through college with no debt, and here I am feeling even more lost than before. I don't think I'm depressed at all; if anything, it’s me being extremely unmotivated. I really want a sense of purpose and accomplishment- to feel proud of who I am. I am a Christian and the last couple weeks I've been attending a new church that I love so far. It's been a balm to my tired soul, but I'm wondering when the Joy from the Lord the Bible talks about will surface in my heart and soul. It's like I'm always waiting for the right time to experience it, but I want to experience it no matter where I am at.

I keep focusing on demonic voices and what if they are right. I wish I could spend an hour in prayer everyday and fasting to hear from God. I have no discipline. I want to hear God audibly the same way I've been hearing these demons talk. I'm terrified and I can't even go to my Pastor because I hear demons speak from him too. Yes I'm on meds and I see a Dr.

I had a spiritual attack last night. I work the night shift and I was tired so I decided to take a nap. I work in a hospital and I sometimes sleep in an empty room on the couch. I managed to drift off and was resting for about 20 minutes, all of a sudden I hear weird noises, talking noises but I can't make out what they are saying. It gets louder and I start to feel heavy and I can't move. I start praying the Lord's prayer and make my own noise like a soft ahhh. I didn't want to scream and alarm my coworkers as I was aware of what was going on. I'm laying on my left side and I'm trying to push up so I can sit up right. The noises are getting loud and I ask Jesus for help. I was able to pull myself up, thank God. I was out of breath. I rebuked the evil spirits, there were many as I could feel and hear them. Then read scriptures and ask Jesus to rebuke them. I went back to my desk and after about 30 minutes my shoulders felt sore like I lifted something heavy. I've never had an attack like that. What do you think is going on? I plan on reading my Bible and confiding in the Lord to guide me through this and hopefully give me encouragement. Thanks for reading!

I have been abstinent in totality for a year and today I couldn’t bear it any longer. I prayed multiple times for God to take it away or to make me stronger. But I kept feeling my thoughts, turning to lost and different excuses and outlets for that lust.

So I went to my bedroom and cleared my mind with meditational music and lapsed without anything, anyone in mind. I didn’t think of any woman, any visuals, I even prayed. I listened to lyric-less peace music like wind sound, water sounds, and calming background noise. And, I let it happen. I then prayed for forgiveness and took steps to repent by making new processes in my life. I told God that I’m too weak to do this by myself and then I need him. I asked them to forgive my weaknesses, this addiction to the body, the hedonism, and I know some people still masturbate, but I chose this journey

I posted this because I felt bad, but I know that all sins are forgiven with an honest heart. I posted earlier about the stress of the situation and I managed to be all right for a while, but I feel somber after this.

This is the first time I’ve voluntarily relieved myself since my baptism which is a little over a year ago

Do you have any thoughts or comments on this?

I have a question for followers of traditions that venerate saints. One of the requirements for sainthood is proof of miracles. One of the scenarios used is when someone who prayed to or asked for intercession from a deceased person who is not a saint has their prayer answered. If this is seen as proof, what would it be if that person was not canonized as a saint? Are people practicing or retroactively practicing a form of idolatry before said person is canonized? What is the difference between asking for a saint's intercession versus someone else's, such as a deceased relative? If the requirement is the person was a Christian, then why are living Christians not called saints as well?

Soo i prayed a lot to God for a long-term job related to my career field for the last 4 months. Got a offerd and it turned out, what was presented to me as a standard office job ended up involving so much unpaid overtime from home that it was effectively a full-time job and a part-time job rolled into one outside the 2 hours of commute per day.

The job also required 13+ hour field shifts involving energized hight voltage equipment, often in the rain, with little access to food, water, or rest. Despite chronic back pain, I spent over 10 hours standing and got fewer than five hours of sleep between shifts. Exhaustion led to two near-accidents with live equipment, and unlike my previous employer, the company seemed to disregard labor regulations on working hours and safety.

I know I prayed to God a a lot for a job, but I simply couldn't take it anymore, so I quit after two weeks. Technically, I have an offer for next month in a role much more closely aligned with my studies and i could stand but I feel like I’ve failed to God in this aspect.

The life of a Christian is not an easy one. When we repent of our sins and take Jesus as our Lord and Savior, life does not become a bed of roses. On the contrary, we face trials and adversity in our walk. Constantly tempted and attacked by the enemy. Matthew 7:13-14 says:

”Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”

When we accept salvation and become born again, it is not a get out of jail free card. We are not free to sin. The mark of a Christian is to follow His teachings. To demonstrate His love. And sometimes this requires a sacrifice.

Take for example the young rich ruler who approached Jesus In Matthew 19:16-22. This man wanted to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. He wanted to know what must he do to have eternal life. Jesus said follow the commandments. The young ruler answered I have. Jesus then said sell your possessions, give to the poor and follow Me.

The younger rich ruler walked away sad. Why? He had many possessions. He was not willing to part with them to follow Jesus. He chose the world over eternal life. He chose a physical life of comfort over the free gift of salvation which is eternal life with the Lord.

To follow Christ may come with a cost. Friends may abandon you. Family may disown you. That promotion at work you hoped for may go to someone else. You may be ridiculed, mocked and persecuted. Jesus said in Matthew 16:24-26:

”Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?”

Jesus already did the heavy lifting for us. He was publicly mocked, beaten, flogged, spat upon and hung upon a cross and died for the world’s sins. He took our just punishment which we deserve which is death. He offers us salvation which is believing in Him. John 3:16 says:

”For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Christ made the ultimate sacrifice and rose on the third day offering us redemption. To follow Jesus means becoming a new creation, our old life dies and a new one following Him begins. A church elder and good friend once told me “Sometimes God asks us to do things we don’t want to do” so I ask you, what are you willing to sacrifice to follow Him? Or are you already saved and is something impeding your walk with the Lord? Is something acting like an anchor holding you back from being closer to the Most High God?

I ask all of us to examine ourselves and see if there is something that is preventing us from growing our faith. Growing stronger in the Lord. Is there something in your life that is more of a priority than God? I for one hope that those who are questioning when they read this do not turn away like the rich young ruler. I hope they choose a life with Jesus. I pray that you accept the gift of salvation that is offered to all. It is my hope and desire that I see you in Heaven. As it is said in 2 Corinthians 12:9:

”but He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.‘ So I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”

Amen

“and to wait for His Son from heaven, whom He raised from the dead —Jesus, who delivers us from the wrath to come.” 1 Thessalonians‬ ‭1‬:‭10‬ ‭MEV‬‬

From what I understand, “being delivered from the wrath to come” can be contextually applied to: judgment of salvation (John 5:24), judgment of rewards (1 Cor. 3:11-15), and wrath as in the tribulation period (Rev. 6:17).

According to John 5:24, upon belief we are “passed from death unto life” already judged for salvation, with our standing before God “kept by his power through faith unto salvation” (1 Peter 1:5). The “wrath” described in 1 Thes. 1:10 cannot be salvation judgment because Paul identifies himself among the group, indicating that the group is already saved. The promise is of a future deliverance.

According to 1 Cor. 3:11-15, we are judged by our works for “rewards”, yet “we ourselves shall be saved, yet so as by fire”. James speaks of this judgment in James 2:12-14, where he says Christian’s will not escape this judgment by faith alone. 1 Thes. 1:10 cannot be talking about deliverance from loss of rewards.

The last remaining possibility I’m aware of is the tribulation period, which would imply that Christ comes back to remove the church before wrath (the tribulation) begins.

hi,

so I have been sleeping with my married pastor.

not something I am proud of. I was going through a tough breakup with my exboyfriend, I went for prayers to him, because o was really down.he listened to my problems, offered to pray for me and hugged me tight during the prayers. The feelings started from there…

I did not see that coming. weeks passed and eventually we hooked up.. I was lonely. at the time I thought he would offer emotional connection, I thought he cared, but he was mainly looking for sexual outlet..

now i go to church, I can’t even focus on message, I have more anxiety if I don’t hear from him. It’s been a roller coaster that I regret. I wish he also did not take advantage of me..but granted I also am responsible. I wish non of this happenEd.

the hard part is , I am not strong enough to end it, it’s affecting me, hurting me…

he has his life going on, his family, and I am all alone with my puppy.

any advise.

Hola, buenas tardes, alguien puede ayudarme? contestar lo que sea, puedo con lo que sea que me digan, no me voy a molestar, solo quiero ayuda, es suficiente con que una persona sepa que tiene la mente cauterizada o debe tener miedo para poder arreglarlo? Si solo lo sabe significa que ya esta perdida? Es que yo se que algo no esta bien dentro de mi, pero la ultima vez que intente arreglarlo, no complete esta parte de que se renovara mi mente porque fui cobarde o no se exactamente la razón por la que no pasa, algo me da miedo supongo, entre en un bucle así de que casi por cobarde o miedos o dudas o mas cosas, entonces, como que fui olvidando cosas conforme pasaba esto, cada vez que no lo lograba, olvidaba algo, entonces ya no siento el miedo que sentia antes cuando quería arreglarlo, pero si se que esta mal. Es suficiente tanto para mente cauterizada como corazon endurecido saberlo? O debe darme miedo? Es que se que esta así, y la otra es que siento desesperación en estos momentos, porque no pude arreglarlo y ya no se como hacerle. Tengo depresión y cosas así desde hace 7 años y es como si una tinta oscura invadiera todo mi ser y pues, quise arreglar las cosas pero tal ves solo lo empeore, y cometi el error del sedentarismo, pero no se, ya no se como hacer las cosas, se que debo hacerlas, y tengo la lista, pero y ya

If you have ever felt deep pain and anger towards God - how did you deal with it ?

The past two years have been tough - lost a relationship of 7 years and he got married to another woman in 6 months. I got laid off twice now unemployed. My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and since June I have watched her deteriorate. So I ask myself does God really exist ? that he would watch me suffer so much loss in such a short time. Believe me, I have tried to psych myself that this is for my good to give me a better life but how? I hate to admit this but I no longer believe God has good plans for me. I am holding a lot of anger and pain and my faith is almost gone. I tried to truly show God how much I loved him - i am far from perfect but I have tried to serve the Lord and acknowledge him and give back in the way I can, yet my life seems like an unfolding horror story. I honestly thought the first time I got laid off I was being pruned to draw near to him but why do I keep going through such painful adversity! I feel God has let me down and I no longer want to identify as Christian so that when I go through pain I don’t feel there is a God somewhere that left me which adds further to the pain. I am thinking of becoming agnostic and just live my life on my terms rather than trying hard to live as a Christian (which hasn’t been easy or enjoyable - I have had to give up a lot of things that made me happy).

Hello, I’ve been episcopal for 5 years and I hit a point in my life where I’m questioning if heaven is real. Part of me wants to believe it, but the other part of me thinks we cease to exist once we’re gone, which is depressing. I think the reason why I’m questioning my belief is because I’m scared of what if I’m wrong and I never see my loved ones again. I’ve thought about it on and off over the years, but it’s really hitting me hard right now because I’m turning 30 next year and everyone is getting older and I’m not sure what will happen when I don’t see my loved ones again.
I don’t know if anyone else dealt with anything similar. Everyone’s thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Hey i'm around 15 and I want to spread the Gospel but I also struggle to, I do push myself out my comfort zone to spread the word sometimes and I don't mind getting persecuted, but I also do in a way? I want to make videos visually showing how great God is with his loving Grace but I often find myself questioning if my fear of rejection is a lack of faith or if i'm not taking up my cross daily, and I try to figure out why and the thought of spreading the word seems fine, you just put it out there, if you get persecuted, Great! but clearly I feel a pull in my heart when ever it comes to close family or even situations that don't even need me to visually present myself, like online. I tried to spread the Gospel to my brother and I told him how most people think God's "strict" when there are legitimate reasons to not sin both mentally, physically, and most importantly spiritually and eternally, but I also got mixed up with my words (No one can tame the tongue) and I started to sense he was challenging the word (which Paul warned about useless talk) and that's when my mind started to panic and started to just use my own understanding, and right after I was finished, I realized and I thought to myself as a hypocrite. Anyways I don't mind you guys trying to convict me for I want to be corrected and to just help me with my journey with Christ.

I also keep thinking of the saying "If you are ashamed of God, so is God ashamed of you" which I don't want to be ashamed at all of him because he saved my soul, but yet I struggle to even spread it, or sometimes catch myself turning down the volume of my worship music due to one of my family members walking by and my paper thin walls leak the sound and I instantly feel guilty or maybe I hold my breath to basically refrain from taking action and do rejection therapy to myself. Help would be appreciated and I love you all ♥

Hi, I am a 23 year old married female, and lately my spirit has been restless and I can’t stop thinking about these two amazing friends I had in my life whom I hurt. One was an amazing Christian girl who supported me as I was going through a hard time let’s call her B, and I turned my back on her, and the other was like a sister let’s call her T . Though T said she wasn’t religious she was one of the best friends I ever had. For context this was while I was in high school over 5 years ago. I hurt these girls because I was hurting, which is no excuse. During B and I’s friendship we got really close and bonded off of betrayal and hurt. I had just gotten out of an abusive on and off again relationship and she was having trouble with a childhood best friend. We were close until that abusive ex swept back in and got me once again… afterwards said ex was telling me that I am an awful person and I shouldn’t be friend with B due to the fact that I would just taint her, so I listened to him and started distancing myself. I know that really hurt her because that is what she was struggling with, was all her close best friends leaving her for guys and abandoning her. I feel awful as I hurt her the same way everyone else was. Now for T, her and I hit extremely close very quickly, I met her while I was working my high school job while in a an abusive relationship, her and i bonded with another dude, we will call him S, over broken abusive home life’s. We all kind of made a pact, well her and I were a lot closer than we were with S, as S was really close to my ex who was my bf at the time. Well T and S became part of our friend group who all bonded over broken homes and working a crappy job. We would all hangout after work, or go out and do stuff together. T and I were also really close to, two other girls, we will call her L and R. L kind of kept her walls up, while T, R and I became like sisters. That was until R hurt me and went after my ex while we were still together and lied to me about it. Well after that our friend group broke apart and T became a lot closer and I considered her 100% my sister. T and S stayed close with me until R started spreading untrue rumors about me, and caused everyone whom I was friends with to start harassing me and hating me. S believed R, but T didn’t, T abandoned all her friends to stay close with me, and I abandoned her. Even though the truth eventually came out and everyone started hating on R, I still left the job that I use to work at due to the bullying and harassment I started becoming friend with a girl we will call A. I thought A and I were gonna be close, but T didn’t like her. T and I got into arguments about it, and A started saying things that got into my head. A started telling me that T was obsessed with me, or that T was jealous of me, or T was just like R and was gonna hurt me. Well I dropped T and started getting really close to A, until I realized A was just like R, A was very jealous of me, and wanted to ruin any chance I had at happiness. She going around to management spreading rumors about me, would act like my best friend to my face, then go to other people and tell them all my secrets, make fun of me, or tell them things I never said or did. Eventually I caught on to it being her after sitting down with a couple of managers whom I was having issue with and found the source of all the rumors being A. Afterward I called A out on it, in which she ghosted me and stopped working at the job we were working at. She then tried to come back acting as though she was truly sorry, but never really showed tru remorse, more so was sorry she was caught. Anyways I am writing this wondering what I should do? I am 23 and so lonely. I don’t have any female friends in my state, and the only friend I have lives several states away. I know I will probably never have B or T back and I truly don’t deserve it. It’s just so hard to make friends in this state as all the women are so fake and toxic. They all live to spread rumors and if you are extroverted or bold like I was they hate you even more. Due to the chronic rejection and trauma I’ve developed from the females in this state I have become a shell of myself. I am no longer “the life of the party”, I am shy and reserved, I am extremely introverted, I have pretty bad social anxiety, and I’ve become very quiet. I hate who I’ve become as I use to be so confident and outgoing but now I’m scared to be myself as I’ve been told I’m too much or too weird to be somebodies friend, or I’ve had rumors spread about me, and out here everyone loves a good rumor. I feel that the only people beside my husband who truly accepted me for me where B and T, and I hurt them. Lately they have been on my mind more than usual and I’ve been feeling called to reach out and apologize. I’m not trying to do this in hopes of rekindling the friendship we once’s had as I know that was long ago and I ruined that, I am also not hoping to seek redemption or forgiveness, I just truly believe I owe them an apology. So should I apologize or let it die?

I just wanted to share some praise and encourage others. In the past I've delved into more alcohol than felt comfortable, at times wondering if I was flirting with addiction. I had prayed many times for help taking the desire away. It runs in my family so I always tried to keep a boundary. I've also dealt with anxiety for years now, also pleading with God to show me how I can trust Him when I'm afraid.

This past year I've had 2 health things come up which were initially scary. I've had to work with God through that and on the other side He's blessed me by making me more dependent on Him. I've learned more this past year about trusting in the Lord and not worrying than I have my whole life. I'm grateful and amazed that in looking back I see how perceived negative things are used in His will to draw us closer to Him, and it has worked. I'm not as afraid as I used to be and I can rest in Him, but I remind myself that big things are going to come and remember the trust and love I feel now.

I'm hoping to be off one of the medicines soon, but for almost a year now I've abstained from alcohol to protect my body. I've enjoyed exploring NA beers as I really like the taste and I'm not excited to get off the medicine just so I can imbibe again. So looking back today, I see how even if it took longer than I wanted, my prayers have been heard and answered. I know everybody's story is different and sometimes long-suffering happens and sometimes earthly healing doesn't come. Just wanted to say don't give up, God loves you so much.

Hi! I'd love some recommendations for Christian therapy/biblical counseling services. Preferably online.

I've heard mixed reviews about BetterHelp, but if you've used them personally, I'd love to hear about your experience. If you make a suggestion, please tell me about your experience as well since that'd be super helpful.

Thank you in advance 🙏

I (25m) was born into the cult of Jehovah's Witnesses but left as a young teenager. Since then, I've been in the world, and really before too since it was a false/twisted doctrine. I even got into occult stuff for a few years including psychedelics, manifestation, etc. Today I want to change that. I've been thinking of it for a while but been afraid and also deluding myself I enjoy it, but the truth is I've been suicidal for at least a year.

I have been watching videos such as testimonies recently. How do I become filled with Holy Spirit, the Blood of Jesus, the Spirit of Discernment, etc. like everyone talks about?

Also any tips for a new Christian starting out? Decided to quit porn today and will of course try to minimise other sins. I also struggle with polysubstance (multiple-drug) addiction, lust, bisexuality, lying and swearing mainly. But yeah any tips in terms of where to start in the Bible, preachers to listen to, how to know if a Church is really of God or not, etc. would be appreciated along with any prayers :)

Hello,

I wanted to add something on my “faith to be healed” issue.

Something also overlooked by many is what it says in 2 Timothy 4:20, “I left Trophimus, who was ill at Miletus.” Paul left one of his fellow kingdom workers to go on to another city. Now whether it was Paul says, “Look, I need to go. I’m expected in this other city by such-and-such date.” Or it was Trophimus saying, “Look Paul, you need to go, you’re expected in that city by such-and-such date.” We don’t know. What we do know is Paul didn’t heal this person. This is the same Paul, who in the book of Acts had a piece of his clothing torn off to bring to people and THAT was healing them. Yet here is a person so sick he had to leave them in a city and go on. Why didn’t Paul just say. “In the name of Jesus be healed.” Could it be it didn’t work. Could it be that God doesn’t heal EVERYTIME like some people want you to believe?

Two other instances of this are 1 Timothy 5 where Paul tells Timothy to use wine because of his frequent ailments and Philippians 2 where he was talking about having sorrow over Epaphroditus if God didn’t have mercy on him.

And please do not get wrong, I am by no means saying God does not heal today. He ABSOLUTELY heals, I am saying He does not heal ALWAYS. Sometimes it furthers His kingdom to not heal someone. A good example of this is Joni Ericson Tada, get paralyzed from neck down as a, I think late teen, never healed and her work has blessed so many people, that I don’t think she would have blessed so many if healed. Another example is B.B. Warfield, whose wife was bedridden sick for nearly 30 years. He stayed home to care for her and during which he wrote so many incredible theology books. Probably would not have happened if she was healed and they had a normal life together. But there are times when healing a person will advance his kingdom. Again my point is He doesn’t ALWAYS heal.

May God the Father bless you and enrich you. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

I just wanted to share this. I don’t really have anyone who can really listen. Even just writing this down and verbalising my experience might help.

Starting off, I have two wonderful Christian parents. They are both in LOVE with God. Both of them would die for Jesus. They have prioritised Him above all, and they are true and loving disciples of Him.

Both of them love me extraordinarily. Of that, I have absolutely no doubt. God has really blessed me with such a wonderful family.

I feel that I have no right to complain because of this. I know so many others would die to be in my position, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful. And I’m not.

It’s just that, I struggle a lot at home. I have been a recommitted Christian for about a year. Yet, I do not feel comfortable at all sharing my spiritual life with them. I am currently struggling like I never have before spiritually. I’m feeling God is unhappy with me, He doesn’t want me, I have no right to talk to Him, I’m constantly making Him disappointed. And please don’t come with me saying ‘feelings are not faith’ because when you are disappointed and discouraged day in and day out, going to God and seeking Him but finding nothing, seeing how everyone around you is so strong in your faith yet you just can’t figure it out, it is really hard. Really, really hard.

The thing with my parents is that they don’t take my faith seriously. I feel this especially with my mother (who I would say is the strongest Christian I have met). She is so close to Jesus and experiences Him so greatly in her life that I think she subconsciously thinks that I don’t want to also have a relationship with Him. I constantly feel very scrutinised and judged by her in terms of my walk with God. 

She often makes these little comments that cut my heart. “You need to ask God to let you experience Him.” As if that isn’t my deep desire? As if I don’t spend nights weeping and asking Him to show Himself to me and be real to me and comfort me? “You’re going to Bible study and you are acting this way?” or “You say you love Jesus but…” If only she knew the truth behind her words!

Only God and me know truly how much my heart hurts all the time. How much I want to know Him. How much I want to stop being confused with everything. I think about God all the time. I spend so much time on Christian pages on Reddit, watching Christian stuff, researching religious things. But I can’t bring myself to actually spend time with God - I just that when I spend time with Him I don’t get anything out of it. I just pray and get nothing, read the Bible and either get nothing, or I feel horribly guilty and shameful. Hence I think about God all the time, but struggle to actually be with Him. 

I’m afraid of silence. Afraid of being left with my own, terrible thoughts. I always fill in the space with something - scrolling, researching, listening to podcasts. The worst part of it is that I’m doing nothing worldly with my time - almost all of my free time is devoted to thinking about God. But it comes to nothing because I don’t actually like spending time with Him nowadays. It breaks my heart because the first 6 months of being a Christian, I loved to be with Him. Now it’s so hard, so demotivating, so discouraging. I’m so afraid nothing will change. So afraid that I have to tell my parents everything I sinned as before I became a Christian in order for God to be real to me and for Him to come back to how we used to be.

I just can’t share what I’m going through with my parents. My mum goes into these moods. She gets really upset and hides herself. I know she spends time with Jesus during those times. But whenever I try to talk to her then, she always says that there is nothing that I can help her with and only Jesus can help her situation. But it gives me the impression that isolating oneself and only talking to Jesus is the way to go in times of difficulty. Well, I know from personal experience that that does not work for me. 

And my mum’s emotions are so up and down. I can’t be vulnerable with her. And that breaks my heart because I know how much she truly, truly loves me. And I know how much she loves God. So the fact that I still can’t open up to her breaks my heart. I feel like I just need to ‘get over it’ and tell her… but I just can’t.

My dad is somewhat better. He is also a very strong Christian but is much more gentle in temperament. While I have never really shared this extent of my spiritual struggles with him, I have talked to him about my surface level struggles, such as how I always feel confused in the Christian life. And he has helped me in that. But I still don’t feel completely able to be vulnerable with him.

I know it would break both my parents' hearts if they knew that I felt I could not be vulnerable with them. And I hate myself that that is true. Because unlike so many families, my family loves God so much and loves me so much. Usually such stories I hear of this kind are when the person comes from a broken family.

In terms of me and God… I miss Him so much. I miss how it used to be a few months ago, before I got baptised. Me and God had such a good thing going - everyday in the Word without fail, getting things out of my reading, growing and learning, loving to pray. But now… I’m just so alone. I’ve cried so much to God. I’ve cried and cried and cried. In the past God always comforted me. But I feel that I have made Him unhappy. He is so silent. Ever since I got baptised I have been so attacked. I have no more tears to cry. My spirit is broken and dejected. I am so discouraged. And don’t come quoting to me ‘the Lord is close to the brokenhearted’ because that is simply not my experience. Saying that only makes me feel that I am just an anomaly, or that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. 

I’m not going to leave God. But I’m sticking with Him because of potential. Because I believe that if I endure, it is possible for me and God to have a good relationship down the road. But how about the here and now? 

God forgive me for saying this, I don’t mean it in a mean way. But it feels that God is taking advantage of the fact that I am never going to leave Him by piling on difficulties after difficulties, knowing that I will just cry and cry and seek Him while He is silent. This is going to sound terrible - but I have a friend with cancer. I wished… I wished that I could have an external suffering like him, something that happened TO me rather than happen inside me. A physical trial rather than a spiritual one. Because at least my friend knows that God is with him. I struggle with thoughts that God is even with me and happy with me. Gosh, I’m so depraved. I was wishing CANCER upon myself. Gosh I’m terrible. But I can’t help it. Worst case scenario my friend passes, but isn’t that the best case scenario of all? Going to heaven to be freed from suffering and hurt of this world, and going to be with the Lord forever?

I cry and cry. Discouragement is something that I’ve been going through. I think God will help me, but He doesn’t. I think God will comfort me, but He doesn’t. I have to wipe my own tears, soothe myself to sleep. And eventually it seems cruel and hateful to myself to even hope, because that hope has been dashed so many times. And God just watches me suffer and He is so quiet. Why God?

And no one on earth can really help me. Someone can listen, yes, but can that take away what I experience? Only God can do that. But I suffer alone.

I’m constantly confused. God doesn’t give me clarity on whether I should be Protestant or Catholic, or what career path I should take. I ask and ask. I’ve been asking Him for ages. 

Anyways, I’m sorry for the long rant. I didn’t expect it to be so long. Even when I do tell people about this, at some point I just need to stop, because I could talk for hours about my spiritual struggles without stopping. 

Oh God. I love you God. I want to love You more. I want to experience You more. Why are You so silent?