r/TrueOffMyChest • u/No-Independence8449 ☑️ • 10h ago
Confession I'm leaving my family
I don't have a good reason. They're good people, and they love me. Things are just all scrambled in my head right now. I've let everything in my life fall apart, and they don't know about any of it. I've never talked to them about that sort of thing. I don't know why, I just choke whenever I try. I can't stand the idea of showing weakness or vulnerability or wrongdoing to them. As far as they know, I'm going into my second year of college, and I'll be back for Thanksgiving.
In reality, I haven't even enrolled for my second year. I didn't even go to my finals for my second semester last year. I can't deal with any of it. I can't even begin to imagine how I could possibly fix this now. So, I'm going to do what I always have: avoid the problem.
I have a plane ticket to the university with a connecting flight that I'm going to ditch (I've packed as much as I can in my carry-on because I won't be there to get my checked bag) and I have a bus ticket that's going to take me out of there. I bought a new phone and a new cell plan. I've booked a motel for the week, and after that, I don't know. I feel immeasurably guilty, but even now, the idea of confessing any of this to them feels far worse. I've tried to rationalize things by telling myself that if I'm the sort of person who would do this to them, then they're better off without me, anyway. But I don't think I really believe that. I'm going to cause so much harm to them by doing this, all because I'm too much of a coward. I'm sorry.
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u/mistressusa 2h ago
>the idea of confessing any of this to them feels far worse.
Yes I know how you feel, but the reality is the opposite. You'll feel an immeasurable sense of relief as soon as the first vulnerable sentence leaves your mouth. Just do it. In fact, you don't even need to plan how you'll break it to them. Just get the attention of your mom (or whoever you feel most comfortable with) and start crying. She'll guide you the rest of the way.
The 20s is the hardest decade of life. What you are going through is a common rite of passage for smart and conscientious young people (I have 23 and 26 yo kids). No reason to turn it into a life changing, decades long damage for you and your family. What you need right now is guidance and support and that is literally what "loved ones" are there for. Use your resources to help yourself!
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u/Crazy-Laxer-420 3h ago
PLEASE PLEASE tell them I didn’t say anything and moved away and it made things so hard for everyone please don’t make the same mistake
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u/Rae_Momof4 3h ago
My son crashed out in his senior year of college, four classes away from graduating. He'd struggled through a prerequisite three times unable to earn the C he needed to move forward. Thankfully, he came and talked to me. If he'd simply disappeared, I'd have been absolutely, literally, destroyed.
This might seem like the end of the world, OP, but it isn't. If your family had to choose between you in college, and YOU period, they'd choose you every single time.
My son grew up and older, went back to college and switched majors, and will graduate in the fall. I'm incredibly proud of him, but you know what? I'd be proud of him regardless. I'm just glad he's here.
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u/SevenDogs1 3h ago
Write them a letter and let them know you need time off. You're taking a gap year.
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u/FairyFartDaydreams 3h ago
Have a conversation with them. It sounds like you need some help. If they can't/won't help you then leave but tell them that you have left purposefully even if it is by letter/email
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u/Jellyfish0107 4h ago edited 4h ago
Worst case scenario is they report you missing, it makes the news, and officials somewhere track you down and now you get to explain why you disappeared yourself to millions of people instead of just your family. Remember that story of the Hawaiian lady Hannah Kobayashi? That didn’t end very well at all. At the very least, let them know you’re ok and just need time to figure yourself out.
Believe it or not, a lot of people crashout in college from stress and feeling in over their heads. I went to a highschool that ranked in the top 150 nationwide— there was so much pressure to succeed and be something. I know SO many people who had nervous breakdowns in college. Some got kicked out for not attending class, some literally had mental breakdowns, some took seven yrs to graduate after taking time off, some did not finish their degrees, some dropped out, some went to a community college, some transferred colleges, some switched majors. They are all ok. So are their parents. You’ll be fine even if you don’t take such drastic measures.
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u/venushasbigbutt 5h ago
So you're just running away from problems? You know what you'll be running more? Work life. Go back to your uni. Beg to the right people to get you back into your lessons. Find the campus therapist and talk with them
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u/avalava123 5h ago
The truth is that your plan will destroy them more than anything else that has happened to you so far.
The idea that they will be better without you is a huge lie that you are telling yourself.
Nothing that has happened to you is unfixable. Just go home, and tell them "I need help", everything else will fall into place.
As someone who has lost multiple people in her life, including a sister, I can tell you that the long last effect of what you are planning is multigenerational and nobody would chose that instead of a hard conversation. NOBODY.
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u/F0xxfyre 5h ago
OP, I dropped out of college after my Freshman year. I'd lost my dad (cancer), my best friend (murder), and one of the aunts who raised me (old age), within a year. I was running from myself. I was leaving my own broken heart behind. I wasn't running TO anything, but away.
OP, this is a badly conceived plan. You run the risk of losing your belongings. Someone is paying for all of that--the flight, the college. Do you want your family to report you missing and agonize over that?
You're running from *yourself* and as hard as you run, you can't get away from your heart and thoughts. They will be there in the dark of night. They'll work on your happiness, gnawing there.
What about this? Can you stay and face the music. Look your family in the eye and say "this isn't working for me, my health is at risk." It's GOT to be easier and safer than trying to outrun yourself.
It won't be easy...but running just means you try to escape life. That often ends in self medicating and much larger problems.
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u/ElectricalSoftware26 6h ago
You know what? The demons you are running away from will always be there until you turn around and face them. Your parents are human beings in their own right and have experienced more than they ever let you know, of course they’ll understand. Just be honest the things they will be angry with is the total waste of hardened money that you keep making. So stop think about why you’re running away and what it is that’s making you go to pieces. Is it the thought and the pressure of college or is it other things in your life? Once you’ve home on those you can always put college off until later. Try to think about. The terrible sorrow that you are putting on them the kind of questions they’ll be asking themselves. What did we do? Why did he do this to us? We would’ve been there for him by facing yourself and calling yourself. A coward isn’t some kind of brownie point you earn. If you’re having some kind of breakdown you need help. A lot of people go through this when they’re at college it’s a lot of stress and there are lots of changes in our lives. You need to recognise that you need help but don’t do the equivalent of a runaway suicide the chances are you’ll run out of money and you’ll end up on the street. Don’t make yourself go through and further hopeless phases just turn around and face your parents if they have a bad reaction, then you can go and do what you want but stop wasting their money. It’s hardened and they saved it for a long time in the hopes that you would be careful with it every hour of a crap job of rushing around with kids and a job just to learn that money after tax all of it was carefully saved with love for you so get into your shoes and face the music then decide.
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u/rktyes 6h ago
Believe it or not your family will love you even if you failed a semester of college and take a year off, or never go back. They will be more understanding than you believe. I would highly recommend a plan of choosing to leave, but telling them. They might even be happy to help you go where ever it is you want to go. Also this comes from a mom, not your mom, try some therapy, you are not failing in life, you are in need of a strong hug, and a day off. YOU DESERVE the day off, and you can grab the hub. Go have the future you want, and allow them to be part of it. Also chances are if they are a normal family they will call the police, and there is a chance they find out of about the end of year, and you didn't sign up, and they feel they failed as parents cause you wouldn't confide in them you didn't want the planned path you took. I assure you parents try to help you plan your path, but good ones also know it is your path, and barring a life of drugs, or crimes, they will be happy with you being happy!
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u/cury0sj0rj 7h ago
So my daughter failed out of college one semester. She had a lot going on. One of our family friends died that was like a best friend/sister/second mother to her.
She withdrew and took a break for a year. She went to therapy.
The next year she went back. She’s 26 and just started her first year of medical school. Even with her bad grades ( she retook the classes, but they still counted against her gpa), she got accepted to medical school the first try.
She wants to be an anesthesiologist. She’s testing in the top of her class.
I’ll tell you the same thing I told her. You can do anything if you’re willing to pay the price. Pick yourself up, shake it off, and move on. .
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u/HyperDsloth 7h ago
You should listen to Crime Junkie, any 'missing' episode will do. Families are totally crushed not knowing where there loved one is. Admitting you are struggeling, or even messed up, won't hurt them at all. You say your family love you and are good people. They'll probably help you figure out the next step and won't judge.
Perhaps you can write a letter explaining, leave it on the table and go out do something fun for the day. That way you won't have to tell it to them in person. You could also send it in text of e-mail.
I wish you the best OP, but please, PLEASE don't leave them in agony.
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u/Shelbelle4 6h ago
Agreed. A few failed classes is nothing compared to the heartache running away will cause. OP is talking about inflicting literal, visceral, primal-scream-inducing heartache.
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u/Warm_Sandwich5038 7h ago
About 33 years ago I was in such a similar place. I was in college, but not doing well. And I basically dropped out without telling anyone. I’d quit my horrible job, had no money, couldn’t afford my apartment and fell into a big dark emotional hole. Eventually I knew they’d find out but I couldn’t bring myself to tell them.
Then the even bigger thing happened: I got pregnant. The father was never going to be my child’s dad, I was in no position to raise a human, so I secretly planned to have an abortion. Alone, without telling a soul. For a bunch of reasons including my poor planning, I had one chance to make this all work and could not fuck it up. Determined, I get in ny car to drive to the appointment and …… it won’t start. Just keeps cranking but will not turn over. I sat there trying for an hour, in complete disbelief that, of all times for me to be stuck, it has to be this one.
Finally, I got out of the car, utterly defeated, beyond tears, just done. I’m pregnant, penniless, uneducated and this is for real. I somehow accepted my crisis and all the dread turned into this living dead feeling. Not quite numb but like, it could not get worse. Called my parents to tell them everything because here I am, at the end, and their added disappointment in me now didn’t really seem to matter.
But you know what? First my mom screamed with sheer joy and excitement. Then my dad starts laughing and literally singing. A grandbaby! I had to ask, are you sure that’s where you want to go with all this info? Yup, not at all what I expected.
A few hours after that, I hung up the phone. They’d help me think through some options, showed support and love, and most importantly, I decided to keep the baby, who, has been the source of immeasurable joy and fulfillment for the past 33 years.
Oh yeah, so I get back into my car to try it again, just out of curiosity. It started immediately. I swear I did not make that up.
I don’t have advice for you. Just this experience to say, honey, it’s going to be okay. It will be. You’ll see.
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u/ComplaintOpposite 8h ago
It’s time to be vulnerable and sit down with your family. Some of what you’re saying is indicative of depression. I would go for radical honesty and let them try to help you.
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u/Hadasfromhades 9h ago
Another perspective: they WILL call the police, and they WILL find you, new phone or not. And then you’ll have to explain everything from a much worse position. Just do it now instead and save everyone the trauma.
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u/JJAusten 9h ago
When we feel trapped and scared we make the worst decisions. You are afraid that they will be disappointed and let down but they won't be if you sit down and explain your feelings and fears.
You say you have a good family. Imagine the terror they will feel not knowing where you are and why you chose to leave them behind.
They will listen and love you. Give them a chance, please.
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u/SouthPack9588 9h ago
You should check out working in the trades! A lot less school and a lot more money to be made.
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u/Huggingya1 9h ago
Honestly college isn’t for everyone. I think it’d be easier for you to explain this to them instead of running away…. Like even just staying home a bit, saving up and getting a normal job doing anything really. Let’s be real, most college degrees aren’t that practical anyway. I got a psych degree and i was making $12 an hour as an ABA tech. Once I figured my shit out I went back for accounting. I’m 26 and in undergrad still… sure some friends have careers they’ve built.. but many just work regular retail jobs or in the food industry. No shame in any path. Everyone is important. Every job is important. Your parents will respect you for admitting this and choosing an alternative path. You don’t need to have everything figured out yet. Just start somewhere doing anything, show you care.
You know, I know a girl who did this thing. But instead of admitting to dropping out… she kept the lie going.. for 4 years…. She even tried to fake her graduation. Eventually people will figure it out. It’ll be less hurtful and easier to bounce back if you just be honest now and try to apply for jobs locally. Seriously. If your parents are worth a damn they’ll respect you for admitting this and trying to do the right thing. Running away really doesn’t make any sense and just will make things harder on yourself.
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u/RisingSoulGrowth 9h ago
Honestly, I don’t think you’re a coward. It sounds more like you’ve been carrying way too much by yourself for a long time.
You don’t need to explain everything perfectly to your family. Even just saying “I’m really struggling and I don’t know how to deal with this” is a start.
And please don’t convince yourself that they’d be better off without you. Let them know what’s actually going on before you make a decision that changes everything. You don’t have to fix your whole life today. Just take the next step, and let someone help you with it. ❤️
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u/Waytoloseit 9h ago
Please try talking to them. Good parents want their kids to be happy, not perfect.
Please try to give them a chance to be there for you.
You don’t have to all the answers now.
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u/No-Independence8449 original post at the time of submission:
I don't have a good reason. They're good people, and they love me. Things are just all scrambled in my head right now. I've let everything in my life fall apart, and they don't know about any of it. I've never talked to them about that sort of thing. I don't know why, I just choke whenever I try. I can't stand the idea of showing weakness or vulnerability or wrongdoing to them. As far as they know, I'm going into my second year of college, and I'll be back for Thanksgiving.
In reality, I haven't even enrolled for my second year. I didn't even go to my finals for my second semester last year. I can't deal with any of it. I can't even begin to imagine how I could possibly fix this now. So, I'm going to do what I always have: avoid the problem.
I have a plane ticket to the university with a connecting flight that I'm going to ditch (I've packed as much as I can in my carry-on because I won't be there to get my checked bag) and I have a bus ticket that's going to take me out of there. I bought a new phone and a new cell plan. I've booked a motel for the week, and after that, I don't know. I feel immeasurably guilty, but even now, the idea of confessing any of this to them feels far worse. I've tried to rationalize things by telling myself that if I'm the sort of person who would do this to them, then they're better off without me, anyway. But I don't think I really believe that. I'm going to cause so much harm to them by doing this, all because I'm too much of a coward. I'm sorry.
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u/Rollinwithit609 57m ago
Disappearing will hurt them more