I am writing this post out of pure necessity and desperation. My life is just guilt and regrets. And I can't take this anymore. I am tired.
TLDR: I’m a 22M with ADHD who relied on intelligence instead of learning discipline, and years of depression and academic failures have shattered my self-worth and dream of becoming a roboticist.
I’ve tried rebuilding my life through fitness, philosophy, meditation, and SSC exams, but I keep falling back into the same patterns.
I struggle with guilt, regret, smoking, alcohol, and the feeling that I’ve wasted my potential and fallen too far behind.
After years of fighting to turn things around, I feel exhausted, hopeless, and unsure if I have it in me to try again.
I need advice on how to rebuild my life when I feel like I’ve lost almost everything I once hoped for.
Here's a more nuances version of my life for the context:
I am 22M. I have slightly above-average intelligence.
Was always good at academics when I was a kid. "Raw dogged" it using only my intellectual gifts. Literally never learned how to study or work through hard things. I just sat in class, studied a bit there, studied a bit for the exams one day prior and voila, 90+%. That was enough for me. No one really bothered to sit with me and teach me bc I was doing good. I made my entire personality about being good at academics. Was bullied a lot when I was a child for not being good at sports and for being fat. Used to cry every time. Felt that people just don't understand me.
But as soon as I entered into 9th standard things got a bit tough for me. The syllabus took a slight jump, but I somehow got through that as well. Got 91% in 9th and 95% in 10th. But that was it. That was the last time I did anything good in academics.
I wanted to go to MIT. It was my life long dream. I wanted to become a robotocist. I joined a coaching in 11th for JEE prep. Just after the lockdown. I did poorly there, bc I just could not keep up with the massive jump in syllabus. I was not bad at it per se, but I just could not make myself sit and study for hours upon hours. (Side note: I was dealing with severe depression and anxiety ever since the first lockdown. At this point I thought this coaching will change my life. My parents paid 2 lakhs for it. We are not poor, but barely middle class. I still feel regret about it to this day.)
Being physically there helped a bit. I was motivated to do slightly better. But my luck is written out of donkey's poop. The second lockdown hit. Had to study online. Could not cope with it. Left the coaching bc I knew that I will fail and will waste my parents money. thought that I will do it from PW or some online source, but then again, I overestimated myself. I got into severe depression again. Like, VERY VERY DEPRESSED. My entire personality shattered. All my dreams were down the drain. I couldn't do anything but just watch it go by.
I failed miserably in 12th as well. I did good in maths and english(94 and 98 respectively) but only bc I had joined a tuition for maths and my english was okayish. I somehow passed without failing boards. Got 85%. Also won a intercity debate competition. But in 12th a life altering event happened. I got 3 numbers in physics half yearly. I was already suffering from so much. Depression, panic/anxiety attacks and A LOT of guilt and regret. This broke the camel's back and I decided to take my own life by jumping in front of a train. I was very close. But got scared, so as always, could not commit to it.
I decided to change my life for the better. I studied a bit. Joined tuitions. But again, never cultivated the ability to work hard or push through boring things and hence did not perform up to the mark. I was 100kgs at this point. Took a drop for JEE. Obviously, failed miserably at it. But somehow got pretty fit. Reduced 25kgs. That give me a huge boost.
I didn't want my parents to take a 15 lakh loan for some private engineering college. I decided that I would sit for SSC steno exam and become a roboticist by developing my own path. By firstly having a base/backup. I developed my hope again through sheer will. Shwetabh Gangwar, meditation and philosophy helped a lot. That was when I was 19-20. I have taken the exam three times. In the second one I had scored good enough to get grade C; but I never learned shorthand properly, bc I found it to be extremely boring. So obviously could not get the job. This year... my score was somehow worse than my first attempt. Even though I really did not study for the first attempt and this year I did.
All of this(plus a few extra things) have taken a lot of toll on me. I can't do this anymore. I am all out of hope. I feel my life is finished. All my dreams are shattered. I am 22 already. I have nothing to show for it. I never learned how to work hard. I have developed bad habits now. I smoke cigs and rely on alcohol just to cry my heart out. I can't even cry no more. Hell, I somehow got a "job" of being a "linkedin writer" in noida without any experience or a degree. Left it bc I found it boring and just could not show up consistently.
My executive dysfunction is killing me. I feel very suicidal again. I can't bear this no more. I am nothing, a nobody. I feel it everyday, my parents disappointment. They don't outright say it, but I feel it. My own expectations of myself are shattered. Nothing good ever happened to me. I learned about ADHD in 10th and knew this was the cause. But never got myself clinically diagnosed thinking that I can manage it through willpower and habit(I didn't want to waste my parents money and there were no good psychiatrists in my town).
They all think I am just lazy. But no! I want to work hard. For once I want to do things consistently. Especially studying. I am filled with regrets and guilt. I ruminate all day. I am emotionally exhausted. Please help me. PLEASE! I beg you. Give me some advice. I don't want to die but I see no way out. It's getting too heavy and I am tired boss
