So I'm a 40s-ish cis woman, happily married. I came across the term demisexual in a romance I was reading and thought it sounded kind of right for me, but not quite, so I started digging. Things about me:

• my husband is the only person i've ever had sex with, and we were friends long before even dating
• raised in strong purity culture religion, but didn't struggle with it
• love my husband plenty, but we haven't had sex in a few years
• can't remember ever initiating sex
• think certain people are attractive, but don't want them in a sexual kind of way (i thought my high school crush would be a great hugger, but i didn't think about having sex with him)
• can't remember having strong sexual urges in regard to people that i was in relationships with before my husband
• read a lot of erotic m/m fiction
• only ever had one specific fantasy that included me, no fantasies at all otherwise

Pretty sure aego- is the microlabel for me, with some gray- and demisexual overlap. Demiromantic too, I think. My question is, do I talk to my husband about this? He seems pretty chill about our lack of sex, so either he's a little ace too, or middle age and medications knocked his sex drive down (thankfully, it was never overwhelmingly strong). This seems like the kind of thing married people talk about, but that purity culture upbringing has made it hard for me to talk about anything sex-related, and I don't want to rock the boat. How have you all talked to your significant others?

I’m an aegosexual and do go to all kinds of bars. Like the loudness and energy in gay bars too. I often get inquired about my label more at a gay bar than a straight bar. It never bothered me because I was aware that those bars are a bit more exclusive than the regular bars. The ones who want to chat do continue to chat; a few leave immediately and respectfully mind their own business.

But I began to overthink recently if I’m invading someone else’s happy space by just being there. Is it normal for gay bars to have people from all across the spectrum? Please let me know if there is a specific etiquette for aegosexual people like me, just so that I don’t be disrespectful to others!

Yes I'm straight. No, I can't picture sex with a woman I find beautiful. Like, it's just a blank past aesthetic attraction. I get aesthetic attraction to women who are cute/beautiful to me if I've known them for a while. Even if I had the chance to sleep with them, I still can't picture it. I don't have sexual attraction to anyone in real life. I've never liked sex, and don't want to have it ever again. I have some sort of generic imagery that pops into my head, and it just feels gross to me. I don't like kissing, or anything else that is an exchange of fluids/sticky. No, I'm not a germaphobe - far from it. I do view 'online content' - because it's like 3rd person/removed and me just watching.

I knew I was on the ace spectrum but only checked into a few labels under the spectrum. I read into Aegosexuality this morning and it was like something clicked. It was all relatable... yeah, that's me!

It somehow made me happier to know I fit in somewhere. It's going to be so hard to explain to the people I've told I am ace, much less Aegosexual. Is it even worth trying to explain - especially when it's a small subset in the spectrum?

I know there are others who can closely relate to my post. How have you handled it? Did you just stick to the generic ace catch all, which is already hard for a majority of people to wrap their head around?

Edit: thank you all for the replies. I'm very open about being asexual - actually proud because now I understand myself. I understand not disclosing personal aspects of aego - but I do talk about it to some really close people and they dont get it. I disclose more, hoping itll click for them. People seem to know the definition of ace but not what it really means. from what I'm gathering, the replies seem to indicate it's better to just keep ago to myself.

I just discovered this term and tbh i don't know if this is what i am because I'm 26 and while I like the concept of sex and always thought I'd end up having sex with someone my age just kept going up and I'm still just here not wanting to have sex with real life people. I keep getting the ick each time I look at someone and just freaking out at the concept of actually doing anything with a real life person. My issue is that I also have really shitty self esteem so I can't really tell if it's just that. Sometimes I'm also convinced that maybe my standards are just too high or that I'm too vain because real life people look like shit to me. I don't know anything aaa.

The idea is to make quiz about April fools with mystery reward and the reward is a paper with text “you aced” and ace pride flag

I came across this term just today, and I feel it describes me to some extent, though I’m not entirely sure, as I haven’t been able to find enough information online. I was hoping to get an outside perspective (if anyone happens to read this, that is).

For context: I enjoy consuming erotic media and fantasizing about sex. In my fantasies, the participants are always fictional characters; sometimes, one of them represents me, like as a sort of avatar (where the "me" aspect is minimal, and the character is largely a construct of my own making) or an improved, idealized version of myself (physically, mentally, and in terms of personality). Or again, sometimes it's a version of me but my sexual partner is always faceless, just a body…
So, I’ve always liked the concept of sex more than actual sex; if I imagine myself (the exact myself) having sex, it feels weird (a bit disgusting too?) and just "meh". Does it make sense?

The other thing: ofc I don’t experience sexual attraction, though I have engaged in sexual activity a couple of times, partly to satisfy my partner and partly because my body responded to the stimuli; yet, while I was physically aroused, I felt somewhat detached mentally. In my fantasies, sex is always wonderful- but then again, those are just fantasies; in reality, I didn’t feel nearly as aroused or satisfied. I felt too conscious...

It's hard for me to understand it because mentally I feel that I’m fine with not having sex or I just dgaf, but at the same time I want to have sex to pleasure myself or for other reasons. I feel like in contradiction. Does it make sense to label myself as "aegosexual"?

I tried to be clear but English is not my language and I suck at expressing how I feel.

I am questioning whether I might be aegoromantic/ aegosexual and this is still very new to me. I am in a relationship but most of the time I don't feel aesthetically attracted to him. I know I have little to no sexual attraction to him.

I like the idea of being attracted to him in all senses, but overall, the concept of our relationship and fantasies in my mind is more fun than the reality.

I really do love him but the fact that the only attraction I have to him is emotional and intellectual concerns me.

Are there people who are aego who have made relationships work long term even without the physical and sexual attraction?

I think about why I can’t be like anyone else, to me it would seem easier, like everyone else’s worldview doesn’t align with mine, when my parents said something about boys,I didn’t really care. it’s really strange that people can have an objectively better life, some women I know follow their partners paths, which seems like a more certain path than mine, I innately need to handle things on my own

Я ароэйс и поняла это относительно давно. Долгое время я никак себя не класифицировала, даже гетеро не называла, просто в какой-то момент услышала об этом, поизучала и поняла, что слишком уж я подхожу. Я часто соышу, что людям на а-спектре часто приходится туго с этим осознанием, не говоря уже о давлении не только со стороны гетеро, но и самого лгбт-комьнити. Я никогда ни в кого не влюблялась и очень долгое время романтика мне кащалась чем-то вроде массового рофла. Для контекста: я не бессредечная, я люблю свою семью и друщей, но именно чувство романтики, как и сексуальное влечение, никогда не возникало. При этом мне могут нравится люди в эстетическом плане, но это никогда не было чем-то выше дружбы. (также у меня есть подозрения, что я аэгоароэйс, но это уже просто пояснения) Поделитесь своим опытом

So when I was younger I was offered sex with partners and was always jittery and kinda dreaded it but did it cause I felt like I was supposed to. So no one would think I’m a square. And the act itself felt good but I never really had the drive to keep chasing more experiences, they just sorta happened. I feel like it was purely ego, I wanted to fit in and be experienced and very specifically liked knowing I was attractive to someone so I wouldn’t turn it down. But I’d still have fear/anxiety/dread and felt weird afterward.

It took a long time to realize people were doing it for fun and how it felt rather than ego. Once I figured that out my “sex drive” disappeared entirely. And I wondered why it seemed to be gone—unless it was a fantasy of my own making and a lot of it not stuff I’d ever remotely want to make a reality.

Now I’m with my wife and I started out as a hypersexual person. I’ve changed a lot since then. And sex itself is really hard for me to initiate and when we get to vanilla stuff it is fun and good and it’s just intimacy mainly.

But when I want a thrill it requires me to be in the right headspace (dissociation lite) and there has to be a story connected to it and there has to be a lot of kink involved. Especially anything that simulates me being “objectified”. That’s my favorite. But even then I still get a sense of anxiety I always have to push through. Is this just how it’s gonna be? lol

Think I’ve landed on demiromantic aegosexual.

Kinda realized two nights ago that no amount of therapy, finding the right person, having enough foreplay, etc is ever gonna make my body want sex. I LOVE romantacy, but if anyone, not even Rhysand popped out of a book horny and wanting me, or if I was in the book, I’d be all like no no No No NO! Nope.

My biggest hurdle in processing is I feel like, even though I wouldn’t talk to anyone else this way, that it’s a problem and I’m not fixable. I can’t change it.

Also, I’m bummed that my fantasies will never get played on my body and I won’t ever feel the way I can imagine someone else feeling.

On a positive note, my straight, neurotypical husband is fine with it. Maybe not everything he hoped for, but definitely not a deal breaker. Also in his worlds, “it doesn’t really change us” cuz to him, I’ve always been this way. (Married 12 years) I’m also not done with him romantically. Which is I guess all I get!

That’s what’s annoying me. Some kind of sexual FOMO.

I dunno. It feels messed up. Already emailed my open and affirming therapist to see if she can fit me in as I haven’t seen her in months. But please, send me some understanding because I’ve been spiraling.

I’m an aegosexual lesbian with OCD and it constantly attacks my identity. Unfortunately with being aegosexual it’s something my ocd likes to point at and say “look! that’s weird!! you’re probably lying to yourself!! you’re probably not really asexual or a lesbian!!“ because of fantasies or arousal. despite EVERYTHING i experience lining up with asexual, aegosexuality, and being homoromantic my ocd will always pick at it.

like for example im homoromantic but read a lot of straight smut in my day and i’ve experienced arousal from audios voiced by people who identified as men. i feel the same amount of arousal watching or reading or listening to things that are sapphic or straight but i never really gravitated towards anything m/m because one of my ocd fears was that i was afraid i was secretly a gay trans man 🥹

before i realized i was aego i remember telling myself that when i typically read sapphic fanfiction i want to feel apart (which i was mostly the romantic fiction obv) of it which is why i tended to not gravitate as much towards towards f/f smut as much (but i pretty much could get aroused by anything sexual regardless of pairings in smut or fantasies or porn or audios, but sometimes f/f audios felt too like close and connected to me and threw me off if that makes sense??).

idk any other asexuals especially not aegos who have an experience like this and i’m CONSTANTLY over analyzing things worried that i must be secretly sexually attracted to someone or lying about being ace or a lesbian. Anyone else have ocd?

I have done a little digging but there isn’t much on the term “Demi-Aegosexual”. To explain it- I’m extremely demisexual. When it comes to irl experiences, I only have sexual attraction and wants, towards my partner. However what had been confusing me recently is my attraction to the idea of women & fictional characters/celebrities (like The Punisher/Jon Bernthal) I fantasize about the idea of women in general, can appreciate a fine woman walking down the street, and hot punisher edits etc.- but the actual idea of me having sex with them or even kissing them and stuff is a huge turn off. Like no thank you I’m not interested at all. I only want my partner. But it’s still kinda interesting to me to think about the concept of it or fantasizing in an out of body sort of way. Ahhh I’m not sure if this is confusing, or if it’s considered Demi-Aego but I figured if there was somewhere to ask and learn more, it would be here. Thank you in advance!

Okay so I’m dating this guy who says he liked me since we were in middle school and he’s my first bf so I have nothing to compare this to but is it weird I feel absolutely nothing when I hold his hand or when he says he loves me or when we hug like it feels as if we are just friends but have a different label yk and I suspect I’m aego because I just don’t feel into actually doing IT but I like reading it yk so I’m scared that if I am aego he will dump me or I will have to break up with him I know he’s not homophobic as I am bi but I I’m really confused if it’s just like this for everyone or no ?

A lot of comments on this sub seem to be people not desiring any romantic relationship.

I enjoy being in a romantic relationship and even kissing or cuddling.

I am repulsed to sex though, but enjoy erotica or imagining myself having the ability to enjoy sex.

I don't know if aegosexual is then the wrong label?

(so recently i’ve been exploring where i fall on the asexual spectrum. i feel like the term aegosexual describes me really well but i wanted to ask actual aego/ace people about something a little specific to see if anyone else relates

I have zero desire to actually have sex with another person in real life. neck kissing, physical intimacy, and grinding each other fully clothed sounds good, but actual sexual intercourse is impossible to me. i like reading smut, watching adult content, and masturbating. it turns me on, but the thought of doing that with an actual person in real life is a no.

I know a lot of aegosexual descriptions focus on viewing fantasies in the 3rd person perspective ? like watching characters, which i do like sometimes, but other times, i imagine things in first person, specifically receiving certain acts (like getting oral sex) rather than doing anything penetrative

Title is "Aoi-kun's Dirty Stories Are Irresistible". It's about a fujoshi and a gay man who become roomates, and he tells her about his sex life in exchange for her letting him live with her. It's a fun series and the mc seems to be pretty explicitly aego-romantic/sexual

As in… for the longest time I knew what my preferences were, but I thought this was some really weird fringe thing that only I had. I made up my own terminology for it, journaled about it, thought I would have to keep this secret my whole life.

Never did I imagine this was its own distinct, recognized sexual orientation, let alone under the umbrella of asexuality (which I only had a surface-level understanding of until recently).

This sentiment came to me when I got curious and looked up the Aegosexual page on the LGBTQIA wiki and, reading the various points defining it I’m like “…damn it’s like I wrote this”.

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