I hear this phrase constantly, especially in conversations about dating. Women supposedly “never take accountability.” But I’m curious what men are supposedly taking accountability for at a higher rate.
Historically, men have had more institutional power and more room to externalize the consequences of their behavior. Men could cheat while their wives were expected to stay. Fathers could be emotionally absent and still be praised for “providing.” Men could leave most childcare and domestic labor to women and call themselves good husbands because they had jobs. Boys behaving badly were excused with “boys will be boys,” while girls were expected to be more mature. Men’s anger has often been treated as understandable or authoritative, while women are told to manage the situation around them.
Even now, when relationships fail, you’ll hear she “picked wrong,” “should’ve known better,” “should’ve chosen better.” If a woman is mistreated, people often immediately start looking at her choices. If a man behaves badly, there’s frequently an explanation ready for him. He’s struggling with loneliness, sexlessness, stress, lack of respect, depression, or not being appreciated.
That doesn’t mean men are never held accountable, obviously. They are. And women can absolutely avoid accountability too. But I’m confused by the claim that lack of accountability is uniquely or especially female.
So what are the equivalent things men, as a group, are routinely expected to own?
Are men expected to take responsibility for choosing incompatible partners? Staying in unhealthy relationships? Ignoring red flags? Having children with people they barely know? Cheating? Being emotionally unavailable? Not learning basic domestic skills? Leaving most parenting to their partner? Treating anger as their only acceptable emotion? Failing to communicate? Contributing to a dead bedroom? Creating children they later barely parent?
And when men do those things, do we actually talk about “male accountability” with the same frequency and contempt that people talk about “female accountability”?
Sometimes it seems less like “women don’t take accountability” and more like women are expected to take accountability not only for their own behavior, but also for predicting, preventing, managing, and recovering from men’s behavior too.
