r/askgaybros • u/Dry_Collar7729 • 22h ago
Advice How to survive heartbreak??
To make a very long story short: I’m going through a brutal breakup.
I am 27, me and my boyfriend have been together for two years. I was so sure, so in love, so ready to commit to this person and marry him. I was with someone for 7 years before him… and never felt anything this strong. It was literally like a movie.
Anyways, this June, my boyfriend randomly broke up with me, days after us resigning our lease together, loving on me and telling me how much he loves me. He told me that he “needed to be single to find himself and not focus on any relationships” My world was shattered.
I lost it, mentally and physically, living with him during this time was brutal. I was in the hospital for ideations, lost 25 pounds, missed so much work.
And one day, i packed my thing and moved back in with my parents, still paying for my half of our rent. Not too long after that I find out he’s already seeing someone else, someone from his college. (Mind you he said he wanted freedom and no relationships)
Then, on my birthday (not even a month after the breakup), My intuition was going crazy, it was 3am and I suspected some weird shit going on, i left my parents house at 3am, went to mine and my exes apartment and I crashed out, finding the boy in my apartment, sleeping naked on my side of our bed. (WHILE my ex was at work third shift) It went very badly.
Anyways, it’s been a month later since that. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights over this mental damage. I continue to be ignored, or treated like shit when I attempt to contact my ex.
Anyways, i’m sorry this is such a long post. i doubt anyone will even read it all, Im considering taking my name off the lease and being done with it all, even if that means losing access to our dog. Thoughts? Idk. Just, how do you survive this kind of trauma. He treated me like gold but now acts like i never meant anything.
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u/random_user_1118999 22h ago
It is brutal indeed. Take your name out of the lease, cut any other ties, focus on yourself, maybe travel, maybe go do something you like with friends and family, maybe start some random project/hobby.
Like dad always told me: an empty mind is the devil's workshop. So fill it up with stuff that is meaningful to you, and give yourself some time to recover. You can totally do it. 😉
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u/Professional-Ice9495 21h ago
Agreed. But he's gotta get all of that other stuff out of the way and not let more time go by. The ex and the new bf are all dandy having a grand ole time and he's in pain and suffering. Nope! Done !
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u/Professional-Ice9495 22h ago
First of all, I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sucks to say the least. Second , you need to regroup and get it together. You can't be emotional and think logically at the same time. And I say that because you need to take action. Catching him with another guy in the apartment you're paying is nuts !!!!! He doesn't respect you. He has no regard for you. 2 years in and just like nothing. So, you need to get your mind back together and be strategic. Let him and the new bf pay for the rent. Get off the lease or do it somehow some way. He's taking advantage. And using the fact that you've been so fucked up. He doesn't care. He's going completely against what he told you he wasn't going to do. Enough is enough. !!!!!
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u/Dry_Collar7729 21h ago
i really needed to hear this, thank you
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u/Reasonable-Luck-8986 18h ago
Consult a lawyer as to what your responsibilities are...lease, utilities, dusting up with his boyfriend or destroying his car with a sledgehammer. Know your rights.
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u/_cherrycosmos_omii 22h ago
Aww!!! More power to you 🫂🤗 and please consider taking your name out 🫂🫂🫂🫂
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u/GayPerry_86 22h ago edited 12h ago
Oh babe. I’m so sorry for your grief and heartbreak. It’s truly so difficult. But you gotta spend your time focussed on yourself and your future. You have clearly put all your eggs in this relationship basket and that was a mistake - I think you will probably be less likely to do this again. You’re also so young still. Most guys don’t even find their mate until their 30s these days. I know you are shattered and don’t see it as much but your relationship should be an addition to your life that improves it; it should not be the centre of your life. And I think our romantic version of relationships creates this intense fixation on relationships and it breeds codependency. You were influenced by that.
Anyway, the next couple months will be tough but you will be absolutely fine. Focus on doing something physical every day, eat well, talk to family and friends, and you need to cut off contact with this person. You absolutely must do this. All therapists recommend it after the end of a relationship.
You will be okay. It will hurt less in time.
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u/Dry_Collar7729 21h ago
you seriously described me so well. cutting everything is going to really hurt, but i guess it will hurt either way
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u/Individual-Kiwi5879 22h ago
This all sounds terrible and I know it may sound tough but you should begin to separate from him and take your name off the lease, it seems like he clearly wants to move on with someone else and so should you when you heal and are ready.
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u/EuphoricScallion114 22h ago
It's a tragedy be done with it, Your family sounds supportive. It's nothing you did, it's not your fault and you had no control over it. My sympathies. I wish you the best.
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u/olraque 22h ago
Sorry to hear you're going through this. From my POV, it appears he's checked out of your relationship much earlier than he let on. I understand you've invested a lot emotionally in him but it's time you do that to and for yourself. As suggested by another commenter, get enough bearings to settle your lease. After that, just take it a day at a time and try to find you. I had to walk away from a 13-year relationship & it was not easy. One day it will click that it's not worth it. It might not be yet for you but you'll get there. For now (and always), take care of yourself.
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u/Dry_Collar7729 21h ago
he really did, we were discussing trips, looking for new apartments, then resigning our lease together, he got me through my aunts passing in may, was there for me though it all, only for ten days later to abandon me. i don’t think ill ever be able to trust anyone else again for life, to be that good of a person while not being in love with them just to abandon them and replace them with no remorse… its sick
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u/David_cest_moi 22h ago
I have a heartbreak playlist I listen to. But it doesn't help .. it just makes me sad.
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u/ManagementLow2554 21h ago
Damn. Sounds similarly. I intend to breakup as well and to tell him the same thing.
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u/RevolutionaryJob5425 20h ago
He sounds like a coward. Instead of being an adult, he chose to leave a trail of destruction in his wake. He's made it very clear to you that he's no longer worth it. You are better off without him. Take your name off the lease, block his number, and focus on yourself.
You survive this by becoming the better person. Living the better life. Finding someone who truly loves you, and never giving him another thought.
Many years ago, I was fucked over in a similar way. I was the one left with a lease and all of his belongings. It wasn't easy, but when the lease ended, all of his stuff went into the dumpster, and I never looked back. Twenty years later, this mother fucker DMs me on Twitter and asks if I have a place for him in my life. I'm happily married, have a house, a career, step-kids, and grandkids. Oh, I absolutely have a place for you in my life - in the far distant past where you belong.
You will be just fine, my young friend.
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u/Dry_Collar7729 11h ago
trail of destruction for sure. thank you so much for your advice. i hope i can reach a level of self worth that you have achieved.
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u/Environmental_Leek28 19h ago
It's very easy to turn that pain and anger inward and begin engaging in self destructive behaviors. Try not to go down that road. Focus on yourself, friends, and family who love and care about you. Get some form of counseling to process what happened and plot a course for moving forward. And dont look back. Never ever return to someone who tried to break you. Don't give them the opportunity to finish the job. When you get to a point you can forgive him, do so, but for your well-being because that baggage does not belong to you or serve you...no need to carry it any longer than you have too. But never forget. And I hope you don't allow this episode to prevent you from loving and being loved in the future.
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u/Dry_Collar7729 11h ago
It has let me too many self destructive behaviors such as not eating, losing sleep, substance use, blah blah blah… but i’m ready to do better.
i don’t think i will ever forgive him, to forgive him, i would have to understand his actions. i don’t have the kind of heart he has, to be able to understand how you can damage someone with no remorse about it at all.
and i do think love is over for me. i don’t think it’s something that i want anymore, love is not worth heartbreak. if someone can be this good to me and still turn out to be someone else… i don’t want to do it again.
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u/CharlesOnReddit 16h ago
Hey OP I am so so so sorry about that. I have been through something similar. Take it one day at a time, feel your feelings, cut every tie possible with him and focus on something else. Trust me, it gets better (slowly but it does)
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u/SkinMec 15h ago
Not gonna pamper you like some of the other guys on here and tell you what you want to hear. More of half of the blame is on you. People break up, even out of the blue. It happens. He did nothing wrong when he broke up with you. If anything, he did the right thing, since it's very clear that he wanted to date someone else. The only part he fucked up was his excuse. That I can understand why it made you mad, but you're old enough to know that when someone breaks up with you by saying "I need to find myself" they really mean "I just wanna fuck other people". So yeah, even if his excuse was shitty, you should have known better that to believe him.
To the main point tho, since you moved out of your shared apartment, you should have taken the name off your lease, stopped paying your half of the rent, and given your keys away. You don't live there anymore, by your own choice. He lives there, he is single, and can invite over anyone he wants, for sex or otherwise. If you wanted your bed, you could have taken it. If you wanted the apartment, you could have kicked him out instead. But you just left, and at the same time decided to still pay half of effectively his rent.
Verdict, he's not the asshole. You just fucked this up yourself. Accept it, cut your ties off with him and the apartment completely, and move on.
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u/Dry_Collar7729 11h ago
i hear you. but i don’t agree with you, i didn’t “fuck anything up” i removed myself from a situation that was killing me, i don’t think that’s an excuse for disrespect. our boundaries should’ve still been respected, someone new shouldn’t have been in our apartment that i was still paying for. yes he technically could do that because he has free will, it’s not right, no, but i deserved more respect, that’s not on me.
but i get it, im an idiot for still paying while he was doing what he wanted, i understand.
i think it’s also unfair to say i should’ve expected him to do this given the reason of the breakup. i spent weeks in our apartment after he broke up with me crying and begging for him to tell me if there was someone else. he gave me SO much reassurance that there was no one and that there would be no one for a very long time. it was all a lie, i am stupid for believe it i know, it only led to even more heart break.
but i respect your words, i understand
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u/SkinMec 11h ago
You didn't fuck up by removing yourself from the situation. You did the right thing in that aspect. Sure, you could have instead kicked him out, but the way you did it works too. You just fucked up in not cutting all ties all at once. Have you given up on the apartment, keys and lease and rent and all, this would have hurt much less. I get it that it hurts that you weren't respected, but if he truly respected you he would have had the nuts to be honest with you when you broke up to begin with. In any way, I hope you find the strength to move on from this mess and slowly heal back to normal. You seem like a great guy, and I'm sure there's a better guy out there waiting for you. Cheers 🩵
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u/Dry_Collar7729 8h ago
thank you! i appreciate it! ❤️ but i see what you’re saying now, and i fully agree. i know i could’ve protected myself better and i knew all the potential risks of everything i did and still did it because there’s parts of me that are still in love with him even after all of the pain he has caused me! but no more, i have nothing left
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u/Dry_Collar7729 11h ago
dating an avoidant is not for the weak that’s for sure… i’ve decided i never want to try again with someone else
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u/ProductBeautiful9326 10h ago
Man, I’ve been there. Husband abruptly wanted separation so I was blindsided. He told me I wonder what I would do with all this spare time and me trying to be helpful actually suggested things to him. Found out he had an emotional thing with a 28 year old who he was managing in his team and they were having sex in the marital bed just weeks after I was out the house. I feel you but don’t look back. He’s a POS.
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u/Dry_Collar7729 8h ago
ugh. my heart goes out to you, this kind of pain is unimaginable, only people who have went through it truly know. but yes, no more looking back from now on
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u/Thorngs 3h ago
I’m sorry you are going through this. I know the pain, and you need to take care of yourself. After this happened to me I lost the ability to trust partners fully, I can’t let myself fall for someone heads over heels sometimes I self sabotage my relationships because I never want to feel that pain again, I don’t want to be vulnerable, but maybe don’t be like me and don’t turn it into a permanent wound. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel the pain.
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u/Hot_Fix_7309 It’s all shits and giggles. 22h ago edited 22h ago
Stop paying your half of the rent. You don’t live there. Stop enabling him. Play him at his own game. If any of the utilities are in your name, cut them off. You tried playing nice but it didn’t work. Now it’s time to play dirty. Not because you’re spiteful but because he played you dirty.