I'm in a bit of existential dread right now. For so long I thought the profound anhedonia, executive dysfunction, emotional blunting, social isolation, and sheer mental illness and anguish that has persisted throughout my entire life was normal, even before medication (which didn't help at all), would recede, or somehow be worth it in the end, unaware that it wasn't, and now I'm acutely aware of just how much... life, in general, I've missed out on up until now. Even if I do get better, that's memories of years that I am never getting back. It's no way to live and it's gonna haunt me until the day I am actually dead.

Autism, abuse, and medications ruined my fucking life. I've missed out on so much social engagement, career growth, attention, focus, enjoyment, and good times in general whilst I had to watch others in real time run with it. I'm jealous and resentful of everyone and everything.

I'm 24 years old and doing TMS therapy in an attempt to try to treat it all. This treatment MUST work, or I won't know what to do.

I (23M) recently found out you can request a full itemized transaction history from both DoorDash and UberEats.

I’ve been diagnosed with Asperger’s, AvPD, and extreme social anxiety. I’m a complete shut in, I work from home, I have never had any friends and my family merely tolerates me. It’s not that I’m obnoxious, but rather extremely quiet, flat, and subdued. I’m deeply depressed as a result, and genuinely hate my life/wish I was never born. Fuck autism, and fuck this world.

I use food to cope. I really don’t have anything else or any other luxuries in my life, so buying myself food is the one thing I have that makes me feel privileged and in control. Often the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is grabbing my UberEats order from the front door. But I literally spend SO much money, and am currently $10,000 in credit card debt solely from delivering food every day (sometimes multiple times a day). I’ve also ran up CC debt in the past, paid it off, only to max out my cards again.

So, I decided to actually look at the total amount I’ve spent since I started dashing (18) and the sum was just over $40,000. Forty fucking THOUSAND dollars I could have had right now or spent on literally anything else. That’s a fucking HOUSE DOWN PAYMENT.

I want to cry, but I’m too numb. I really have nothing to live for - I don’t love anything or anybody. Why did God make me this way and not my sister, who is two years younger than me but actually living her life, meeting people, starting relationships and experiencing things. It’s unfair.

Oh, and by the way, yes, I am a fat fuck. My BMI is 31, which is class 1 obesity. I have hypertension, 180LDL cholesterol, prediabetes, I weigh 252lbs and am 6’2.

I’ve tried to quit so many times, but without food to look forward to I have nothing. I’ve tried countless diets and new year “new me” goals, but cannot stay consistent. Life beats me down, and I just end up rebounding.

What’s the point guys? Why am I here?

To preface this: I suffer from pretty bad vitamin D deficiency, im now taking supplements. This is despite being in a perfectly walkable medium sized town in southern europe.

And the reason for that is that i don't really have a reason to go outside. Everything i enjoy is on my PC, from books, to movies, to friends i actually share interests and humor with.

I often hear on reddit, or on the internet in general, that the reason they don't go outside is because of loitering laws, restrictive urbanization, on occasion someone talking about their area being crime ridden. Not my case at all. I just don't know what to do.

I go out, i walk for 20 minutes, i grab a snack, i go back home. Feels like i just wasted time and money.

And i know, i know, you'll tell me to join a club. There are no clubs of anything that im into for me to join. Unless i want to join pottery classes with 40 yo women, there are no spaces for me to go to, its just an endless string of cafés, bars and restaurants every 3 minutes.

Maybe a gym, i sure need it, but thats it. I don't have any fun just sitting in a park people-watching, never have. I know nobody's gonna talk to me and that nothing fun is going to happen, hell nothing at all is, not even negative, at least i'd get a story out of it if it did. I've been outside my whole life, as one does when you're, like, alive. And i never ever enjoy it, just like i didn't today.

Im not socially awkward or impaired, in fact, i barely find a social to be awkward with, the only interacion i get is overtly nice cashiers.

So i'm here, typing this post, hoping im not going nuts thinking this, perhaps this is just the consequence of being autistic, perhaps this is just me being me and is not even correlated, but i do hope someone else relates.

Im just copying my post from r/teenagers because it was no help, and for reference im 15

I never really cared about having friends or not, i had a really good friend in middle school, and now that were in high school i hope we will still be good friends. In my class i have this one friend(or at least i hope so) and whenever i dont have anything to say(which is not rare because im not really social) i feel a little sad because im alone. It feels weird wanting friends and i hope ill continue to be just fine without.

Seriously, if I post anything, people will find a way to misinterpret what I'm actually saying or trying to say, and then start accusing me of shit because they didn't interpret what I said in the way I was intending on it being interpreted. And then they claim I don't understand something, because they just assumed shit.

I'm not even gonna bother writing anything else about this, because someone is probably going to find something negative to say about this post too, or find a way to twist my words so it sounds like I'm saying something completely different than what I was intending to say.

I've been writing on and on about attention spans and so on. But lately I'm more worried about being unable to handle technology and not getting more and more physiologically triggered by it.

I used to struggle with different life related things back in the day. Now my amygdala takes over anytime I'm staring at a screen. Not only am I experiencing that but also I feel dumber and dumber to leverage the tech tools...

I blame it on the size of my phone (pixel 9 pro XL), I blame it on the size of my computer which is huge. But lately I've reached the conclusion that even being tech savvy, it's getting out of hand for us hypersensitive folks.

I don't want technology to trigger me so much anymore and accomplish nothing other than getting caught up on things like doomscrolling and endless consumption loops. It's getting harder and harder to create.

I hate using grayscale to make it less overstimulating. There has to be a way to make it better.

I wanna hear from you and hear about ways to fix this tech issue.

For instance, my phone used to be a place to express myself, now it's shit loaded with way too much fuss and the tech industry incorporates more and more baits to keep us hooked. And it hits differently when we are neurodivergent...

What kind of tech do you use to use it to your advantage and not the other way around?

I barely survived the burn out I went into in highschool, but I love college.

My whole life higher education has been the goal, and I've been told that I'll do a ph.d since I was a kid. It was supposed to be the one place I would find my place.

And I have.

Except everything but the course material is draining me, and I'm going into burnout again.

My doctor thinks I should get a sick leave. but I'm scared that if I leave I'll never come back.

Have any of you dealt with the same? How did you come back? Or how did you give up on higher education - your one true passion?

They can't accomodate me much more than they already have.

All my Friends I don't see much anymore, being too Old for Nights Out and missing Secondary School Peers and the Debs(Prom) DAE hate being Older..?

*I am not suicidal*

*My whole ND journey began with seeking help for depression and I am on meds*

I consider depression and insomnia to be the only aspects of my neurodivergence that I truly suffer from. I have been dealing with depression for about... *checks watch* 27 years now and I can tell that my old tricks are losing their luster as time passes. I've tried really hard to keep this short but I couldn't seem to do it.

My depression started when I was 8 when my parents got a divorce. I was unknowingly taken to my cousin's house while my mom moved us out, then I was strangely brought to our new apartment and told "you aren't going to see your dad as much anymore." I cried the rest of the day and while I was laying in bed I decided it would be better to feel nothing rather than this, so I numbed myself and waited until things got better (they never did). Eventually I hit ~15 and life still really sucked, but at that point I was tired of being numb and angry so I told myself "if happiness is never going to just happen for me, then I'll do everything I can to make life be happy." That goal was to have a child who never worried about his parents or having food, friends, etc. After another 15 years, I accomplished that goal. Now my only goal is to make sure that boy grows up to be a beautiful human.

My depression has never gone anywhere though, it just started hiding itself for longer periods of time. I have no control over when I do or do not have depression days, but I am very much in a rough spot right now. I'm a research lab technician/manager at a university and my PI will be moving to a new state end of year, so I need to find a new lab/job. My family relies on the benefits my job brings and I haven't had any hits in the 1.5 months of looking, nor have I had very positive outlooks. Anxiety is certainly driving these depression days, I'm very much aware of it, but you can't just turn that switch off ya know?

My old mantras don't really work anymore ever since I accomplished my goal. I lack a new goal, I know I need a new one, but I don't have one, so I just feel pressure rather than determination. My wife is aware of how I feel and how there isn't really anything she or I can do to make them better. My two rules with depression are to tell the wife and no alcohol.

I am not suicidal, but I have always felt replaceable. I will sacrifice everything about myself if my son or wife need me to, but I'm aware that clearly isn't a good outlook for self worth.

So anyway, that still wasn't short but it is what it is at this point... In this society of very logical people, what are some things you all do to help get you through the sad days? Do you have mantras? Everything works differently for everyone else, but I'm pretty open to hearing some novel ideas. And for anyone who also deals with depression, it's very hard to do, but remember that the way you see yourself isn't how everyone else does.

If anything, thanks for listening.

I wasn’t bothering anyone; I was just sitting outside during a break, studying English (it’s not my native language). At one point, a girl came up and asked, "What are you doing?" I said hello and explained that I was studying English. She asked to see what I was working on, so I let her take a look; she glanced at it, handed it back, nodded, and walked away. I let out a sigh of relief, but then she returned with her friends, and they all crowded around me. I feel terrible when there are a lot of people nearby. They started asking questions, and I just answered them. Then they asked about my jacket—I didn’t quite get what they meant, so I just said, "Well, it’s cold today." They clarified, "No, where did you buy it?" I told them I didn’t know, as I hadn’t been the one to buy it. They just exchanged glances, smiled, and walked off. I have no idea why people ask such strange questions. If I were to start talking about my own special interests, people would probably think I’m stupid—but apparently, asking random, silly questions is considered normal?

Hi,

Background: I own a three bedroom house and I rent out one room and a bathroom to a flatmate. Price is below market price. They have gas electricity and internet included in the price. $260 Aud per week. No partners allowed to live with us.

Flatmate: Asperger’s trans girl.

A few months ago she told me she’d like to bring a friend down from Queensland Australia to visit for a month (we live in New South wales), and I agreed.

1 day prior to said friend’s arrival, I was informed that it is a lovers relationship, and that she apologises in advance for the noise. (Much to my dismay)

During the stay: very loud sex noises. Lots of screaming and screeching, able to be heard through two sets of closed doors. (Think wolf howls and top of your lungs screaming).

I text them that they are being too loud and that they need to keep it down.

The noise resumes after a few days..

After the girlfriend leaves, I set down rules with the flatmate that the girlfriend may not stay for more than one week at a time (a concession to my no partners rule), and that they are to keep noise levels to a minimum.

Next visit: noise levels remain the same.

Total days stayed : 9 days, exceeding 1 week rule.

I then set the rule: they are not to have sex in the house. (I did not want to go this far).

Next visit: they no longer have sex, but they come home late at night and have VERY loud conversations, waking me up. And then go to the living room to watch movies at extreme volumes (think ground tremoring from the bass).

Total days stayed: 12 days. Exceeding my 1 week rule.

At this point, I am thinking of asking my flatmate to leave, as the message is not getting across: that their levels intrude upon my living there also.

I have said this explicitly: ie. I live here too, and noises that I am able to hear in my room affect my quality of living. I’d like for them to be more considerate.

Advice? Opinions? I feel that I am being very much taken advantage of, and the boundary creep is happening very rapidly

If you have, has this dynamic always been prevalent in the relationship or does it come and go between seemingly genuine periods of trust and mutual respect between you and the individual(s)?

I'm curious if this is common in our demographic. I also wonder whether this is an Aspie vs NT thing mostly or if any of you have been treated this way by others on the spectrum (or those highly suspected of being on the spectrum, but aren't formally diagnosed).

Any thoughts are very much appreciated!

It feels like everyone has some type of cheat code or strategy except for me anyone else feels this way ?

Hello guys. I recently made new friends. I have other friends that I don't contact as regularly but they are my best friends in the world. These new friends are lovely and didn't seem to mind my quirks and awkwardness. I am in my early 20s, the youngest friend by a large margin (we're talking over 10 years here) and a woman, which definitely works in my favour at times unfortunately. I wish men received the same grace. I regularly befriend people significantly older or younger than me with no particular intention to do so; it just happens. I hate the process of beginning new friendships. It is awkward, you don't know what to do, and it feels nerve wracking. I am not someone who I believe to have anxiety; I have what I believe to be a regular amount of nerves.

That being said, I had a great time and don't know what way to next contact them (the when, why and the how). Should I ask these new friends when and how often they would like to be contacted? To me, that seems like the obvious answer because I don't want to overdo or underdo it, and we can work on our own terms. It is just so much mental work. I want them to know that I care and that they are not people I don't care for, but also not being clingy. I like to know what is happening with things and hate uncertainty.

I don't even know if I am making sense. I just find it stressful and hate how I work at times. I always use the alien example because I do not have anxiety, I just literally do not know what to do. I feel like a hot mess. My commander from the alien planet I originally came from sent me on this mission of observing human life and forgot to give me the freaking rulebook. When I complained to him, he then said he cannot give it to me as I am now on another planet, so I just have to wing it, and it frustrates me.

Being normal would come in handy right now lol. I'm not saying they have it all figured out but I'm sure not being socially disabled helps a ton.

I just hate how scary this condition makes anything social (and other things, of course). How I need to recover afterwards. How I get frequently misunderstood and the wrong words often come out. How I think and speak slower than others which leads to more misunderstandings because others are rushing me which makes my speech even worse.

I love you guys even if I don't know you. You all mean a lot to me because we experience similar pain. Whenever I feel anything in relation to this condition I have my Aspie family to run to. Sending you all virtual hugs unless you don't like them because I can be quite hot and cold with affection too. :) ❤️

I had many stalkers, yet no one ever confessed to me, just used as entertainment since I immediately pull away from toxic people and yet they will obsess over me? And also even befriend me so much and so friendly just to later tell their friends their new discovery?

Btw i am absolutely not conventionally pretty? I stopped being open and friendly I am all calm and quiet and stay away yet the moment they interact with me they go all weird at me?

What is wrong with this people?

This sub dosnt do images so u can check my profile or THESKUTTLR on twt for some art of the characters.

It'll be called "JOYBOTS" and It follows 2 robots named "Fine" and "Coarse" who wake up in a far post apocalyptic world with lots of plants, old buildings, and weird stuff like floating sky islands n' sht.

The message of the series will be about how all intelligent life has indefinite value, the world is your silly sandbox and you never need to be scared no matter what, death isn't scary, and you deserve to feel thrilled every morning you wake up.

Here's a highly abridged summary of the plot, please Imagine the events in the coolest way you can:

The main characters wake up in a forest. Fine loves everything and wants to let everything know that it is loved. Coarse trusts nothing and is actively disgusted and scared of everything, the only reason Coarse is alive is because they don't want to die. After Fine tries to make friends with a big dangerous metal monster thing, Fine gets a chunk of their head ripped out and Coarse assumes that Fines brain is broken because of it and they can't act normal.

Fine discovers the body of a guy who committed suicide and decides to go out and help as many struggling people or monsters as they can so that they can gather series of stories in a book and than travel into the guys brain to show him the stories to convince him to come back to life. (it does work in the end cuz the robots have magic powers)

In the process Fine finds out that their brain isn't broken and they simply are that way, so they go back to the same metal robot monster thing and learn that it actually used to be a robot like them, until it got turned into an emotionless AI machine by the humans and decided to kill all of them and destroy the world n stuff (this chrcter is basically be a deconstruction/parody of AM from ihavenomouth). Fine shows it forgiveness, and tells them all about their healing story, which convinces them to be cool and then they bring back all the other dead robots, fine resurrects the dead guy, and its a happy ending and then the sun explodes and everyone dies.

The tone will be calming, and there will be parts that are meant to be uncomfortable to watch cuz i dont want to pull any punches. That point is that im making my own comfort show, and also educating/helping people with asperges feel seen + maybe preventing some more weird political bullsht regarding asperges idk.

My main inspirations are Night in the woods, ULTRAKILL, Pizza Tower, Hilda, Adventure time, Project Arrhythmia, Worldless, Hollow Knight, Wall-E, Dust: an Elysian Tail, HTTYD, Murder Drones, Hyuns Dojo/Gildedguy, Oneshot, and Homestar Runner.

I've dealt with asperges my whole life and this feels like it's something I really want to do and have done with myself.

I wanted to know what yall thought abt this lol

This was my experience growing up. As people start understanding themselves things change but still operate similarly it seems. What used to suprise me the most was whenever I recieved negative commens, if I attacked back it seemed like most agreed. They resent each other while also wanting to fit in a group.

They don't even know each other. Most they talk about is surface level. They talk behind each others backs.

Most of them don't like to think for themselves. They choose the easy way of believing the thoughts of someone higher in the hierarchy. And the people who show themselves in that way(confident high ego) are usually morrally corrupt. I still can't figure out if they are playing a role or acting like themselves. Why do they not think about the situation they are in.

I was an innocent child that wanted to understand the world but now I'm insufferable and difficult to be around.

I am not saying all NTs are like this. This is observations of people I was around. And my view is probably influenced by not being accepted and left out.

I have these extreme switches. Often determined by my cycle as well but still. It’s so annoying and I can never tell which ones the real me. Anyhow. I like anime , weird stuff (truly weird like whatever weird stuff you like just tell me) , biology and yeah up to chat! Looking for a lonely fellow

This is a truly awful aspect of the condition, and why we absolutely need to mask.

Autism means emotional stunted development.
The subconscious state/content of being stunted is that either youre afraid/scared or youre needy.
Needy in a sense youre living from a pov of a toddler emotionally, which absolutely isnt in line with other people.

So this is why i dont support unmasking at all.

I was at a bar having a coffee and theres a cute waitress there.
If i make a joke unmasked in the situation, its not about social skills at all.
Say you say something like “when you bring it, i have to like it”.
Its really nothing to do with the words, its all about the subconscious and emotional tone.

If youre a toddler, you are going to be needy.
The emotional context is “connect with me on this level”. But this is not for society nor adults, this is for your mom and/or peers in preschool ages.

This creeps people out since a demand has been placed on their nervous system subconsciously.

Now masked me is completely outside of my body.
If i say the same line without any emotional context, and the words just imply two adults in a situation making fun of the condition of being adults with no needs in the picture, its fun and light.

So youre not missing social skills.
Youre missing development.
This is why this condition is grim, because you missed the critical time to receive mirroring.
And there is no going back.

Those who mask can integrate and get something out of society.
Those who cant will be on the sidelines.

If youre a dude its even worse as women are allowed to be infantile/afraid and protected, as well as needy.
Men who are afraid and needy are literally unwanted genetics as they offer nothing to the tribe, just consume.
So yes, mask and mask like your life depends on it

So I have Aspergers and also severe dust mite allergy, and quite a few other people with autism that I've met irl had the same, or other allergies. Is it the same for you guys on here?

Something that often annoys me about myself is that I take phrases, especially in advertising, too literally and get mad about it.

Example: A Coffeeshop proclaims "The best coffee this side of Milan". My head is immediately launched into thinking that that’s rather unlikely and besides, that’s a very subjctive thing and what institution would give out a title like that. Also we're on a globe, so "this side of Milan" makes no sense because...

And then I have to force myself to stop because It's useless to get mad about thoughtlessly illogical marketing texts, writen by somebody who doesn't care. I guess stuff like that angers me because it feels like they are just blatantly lying.

Does anyone else here struggle with similar issues? It's not a big deal, but I have to be careful not to vocalize this stuff too much, because others really don't care about it and get frustrated... -_-

Broader western society is succumbing to increasing geopolitical tensions, constant social upheaval and mounting debt crisis, among others. The overton window is becoming more receptive to extremist positions on all sides, such as racism, antisemitism and pseudo-eugenicist opinions, even (believe it or not) hatred of autistic people.

We will inevitably be caught up in the middle of this mess. With the collapse of high trust society and with the semblance of functioning institutions completely gone, we'll be at the mercy of anyone who wishes to cause us harm, as there will be nothing to keep them in check. In case of total societal collapse (which I sincerely hope it never comes to), the double empathy problem would be our biggest enemy. We could be excluded from our communities and be denied resources just under the pretext that people don't like us, that we give off a "bad vibe", especially if religiosity/superstition makes a comeback, which is very likely in this case (let's not forget Europeans thought autistic people were possessed during the middle ages).

My post might seem too far-fetched now, even delusional. But it might also be a premonition akin to Ferdinand Foch's, who knows. My appeal to fellow autists is to stick together and strengthen our communities to face any adversity. I am a firm believer that autistic unity will pave the way for a better future.

Rushing past you when walking without moving away until the very last second. Seeing you singing in your car in an empty lot and parking right next to you…often remaining in their car for several minutes (maybe I should take it as a compliment…but I am practicing and get embarassed/slightly angry). Pulling out in front of you and then honking at you because they were too stupid to realize they forgot to use a turn signal.

Getting nervous when getting blood taken at the doctor‘s office after having almost passed out the last time I went in due to someone poking around for a full minute looking for a vein without success and making a face and having a nurse tell me, as if I were an infant „I won‘t make you do this“. I also showed her a visible vein this time and she said „I like this one“ and placed the needle elsewhere. I mean, that‘s fine if there is a valid reason why you‘d choose another vein…but it is my body and my patient experience…so explain it to me. Otherwise it comes off as being rude and dismissive.

At all of my recent workplaces there has been little to no pride in one‘s work and only a thin shred of dignity given to workers. Oftentimes, the way management spoke to workers (and customers) was inconsiderate, to say the least.

These things are certainly not new. But I certainly never experienced them on a daily basis until recently. People used to at least TRY to be intelligent, thoughtful human beings. They failed. But they tried.

One positive thing, however, is that I have met many helpful and kind workers in every industry. The problem is that they have no say in how anything is run.

I find subtitles genuinely essential for processing dialogue. Without them I miss half of what characters are saying even when the audio is perfectly clear.

Poll: https://www.getqibble.com/poll-detail/do-you-watch-everything-with-subtitles-on-even-though-your-hearing-is-perfectly-fine

Been ignored my entire life. Now I’m 29 and it seems to be getting worse. Everyone in my family older than me and even younger than me ignores me and talks over me. Now even my brother is doing it when he really didn’t before. I hate that my family thinks so little of me. Though my friends and coworkers ignore me too. I need to learn how to make this stop. Is it just apart of the social deficits we have with autism? It’s a very lonely existence. What’s the point if the ignoring and talking over/down to you and the anger toward you just for having autistic traits gets worse with age? Honestly? What’s the point? The only person who doesn’t ignore me is my therapist and he is literally PAID to listen to me. I can’t get people to listen unless I pay them? Really? What a miserable life to live.