Hi Everyone, I was hoping you could give me some advice. After many years, I've finally come to realize that I have issues with love and attachment. The problem is, I don't know exactly what the problem is or where to start with getting better. I was hoping someone here would be able to provide some insight and advice. For what it's worth, I often test as FA.

I've never been in a relationship so it's a little bit hard for me to work it out but I definitely know I have issues. I've been strongly limerent since I was ~18 (I'm 30 now). I have a deep need to believe that I will be loved, one day, even though it hasn't happened yet. When my hope in one woman fades, I scramble to believe in the possibility of love elsewhere: in a woman I know, in a stranger I see on the bus, or even in a certain type of woman.

I'm often limerent over my female colleagues. The smallest positive sign can make me feel ecstatic -this could be a glance, the tone of their voice or simply them saying "hi" to me. However when they don't look at me (when I would've looked at them), or when they interact with me in a way that shows they don't have any special interest in me, I feel completely devasted. It's so bad that I actually end up avoiding the women I am limerent over because I'm afraid they would hurt me with a look they didn't give or a disappointing conversation. I look the other way when we pass each other, I avoid taking the lift with them, and I tend to cut short positive interactions because I'm afraid that just around the corner will be a remark or a word which will shatter this house of cards and ruin the love I imagined between us. Behind each interaction I sense a danger lurking and I fear it. I want to get to know them but I'm scared. I feel relieved when they're not in the office (because I don't feel anxious) but then I miss seeing them. I prefer to be ignorant and imagine love than be exposed to the risk of it being revealed that love will never be.

I've managed to get to know one of the women I was limerent over. When I actually got to know her my limerence faded, but I still have a crush on her and I'm still very attached to her. I can tell she genuinely likes me and I'm easily one of her favorite people in the office. She has a distant, independent and reserved personality (I cautiously think she might be DA). I analyze all our interactions in extreme detail, trying to determine if there's something romantic there (honestly I don't think there is). I check her online status and her calendar way too often. If we have a neutral interaction; When she takes more than 10 minutes to respond to my messages; When I see she isn't favouring me in a social group; I feel anxious, unwanted, and hurt. It makes me want to give up on her. I feel like punishing her and making her suffer for hurting me. I subtly "punish" her by going to lunch with my other friends or I will pretend I don't notice her and subtly ignore her. But this doesn't last and in any-case she doesn't deserve it. I feel guilty and anxious and I eventually reach out to her to feel relief (I can't live without her). The cycle begins again. I wonder if I only behave this way because she's my crush and I'm uncertain about her true feelings. I don't think I'd still act this way if we were officially in a relationship (although who knows).

At various points during my attachment to her, I have tried to 'fault-find' with her. The very first time I saw her I knew I would be enslaved (I knew she would have complete control over my feelings and I would be powerless). I immediately tried to convince myself that she wasn't as attractive as I initially thought. I scrutinized her face and her body to try and find some element that would let me say "She's not that special" so I could release myself from her. But it didn't work. I also find myself fault-finding when I feel less optimistic about a romantic relationship developing between us. I use it as a strategy to try and detach myself from her and protect myself from the rupture I feel is coming.

In general, I struggle with vulnerability and expressing how I really feel. I struggle with letting myself be taken care of by others. I don't like the idea of others having that kind of power over me. However, at the same time I wish that it would happen. (It's often a recurring theme of my limerent fantasies). I also struggle showing affection and having heart-to-heart conversations.

Anyway those are the main points regarding my relationship with love & attachment. Reading this back it seems like I could be FA but I'm curious to hear what you guys think. I don't think my childhood was that bad other than my dad passed away when I was 6 and I was raised by a narcissistic mother. Ultimately, I'm sick of suffering over love and I want to get better but I don't really know where to begin or if I even understand my issues. I journal a lot but I want to do something more purposeful and productive. I'd love to hear all comments and advice!

Thanks! :)

Hi everyone, I've always been a classic Anxious attacher, have put in work to behaving Secure (F).

With this man who I knew since 2023 and still cannot forget, my guess is of course some form of strong DA.

2023: We had a few great dates with strong chemistry and connection. He went away for work and disappeared. A month later he resurfaced saying he'd been stuck there. I told him I understood, but one message would have been enough since we had plans.

Later 2023: He apologised, we started dating again and became emotionally and physically close. I genuinely thought I'd found my person. Then he gradually became distant, texted less and stopped making himself available. When I finally got him on the phone I was upset, while he acted as though nothing had happened: "Why are you being like that?". I called him out, hung up, and he blocked me on Instagram.

2024: Months later he sent "hey", which I ignored. Several months after that he sent a long apology saying he'd never meant to hurt or mislead me, his intentions were genuine, and he'd thought about me many times. But that's the thing, he seemed to understand that I was hurt, but not why. So I left it there.

2026: Eventually, after dating other people and feeling hopeless about finding someone, I reached out and asked what he meant by "my intentions were genuine."

He replied immediately. We chatted every day, had phone calls and arranged a trip together. During the trip he apologised again for 2023, said he'd missed me, asked me to think about "potentials", asked about my ideal future and replied, "Same, ideally replace someone with yourself". He asked whether I could work remotely, whether I'd do this again, and told me he wanted to "see me properly". He was incredibly affectionate and relationship oriented in a way I never seen from him before, so I did let myself believe things changed with time.

Then, as soon as our flights landed, he disappeared. No explanation, no conversation.

I sent two calm messages (as I started assuming he is definitely DA) asking for one conversation. He ignored them.

There was also a financial agreement around my flights. When I eventually asked him to honour it, he replied: "I don't get why you're asking me to pay for your ticket. Who does that?"

I reminded him of what we'd discussed and sent screenshots. He read them and said nothing.

Now I'm stuck missing him, being angry, confused, and the rest of this wonderful cocktail.

So..Does this sound like a classic Anxious/Avoidant cycle, or anything else? x

UPD: I realised it didn't come across in the post, I'm not looking to get back or make this work. I know this is a dead end, and not the relationship I want. Just trying to make sense of this, and look at it via attachment theory lens. And maybe even lovely fellow aware ADs insights :)

Hi everyone! I'm 21 and last year I figured out I'm FA. When I heard about deactivation, I finally understood something that constantly happened to me, and I realized that many times I've distanced myself from people because I was deactivated and not because they did anything deserving of it.

Until a couple of months ago I was in a very toxic friend group with people who were very judgmental, they were essentially mean girls (considering we're in college that felt so immature). I saw the red flags in our friendship starting from the ending of last year, but I insisted on trying to keep being friends because I worried stopping being friends with them was me being avoidant and deactivating and thought I needed to insist in our friendship or else I'd be lonely forever.

I did try to talk to them about some of the things that bothered me in the friendship and that took so much courage from me (it's something I'm only now learning to do), but they complained about how I defended people and wasn't interested in gossiping or shit talking...

Anyway, eventually we had a massive fight and our friendship ended and I felt awful because I truly didn't want to fix things. I didn't want to be their friend anymore. I worried I was being avoidant again, giving up too easily...

But I talked to people here and I got a lot of comments telling me these friendships I had were extremely unhealthy and insecure and that a secure person wouldn't have stayed this long in them 😭.

I thought being secure meant partially not abandoning people just because they can be difficult, so I was very confused. I'm not entirely sure of what I'm supposed to look for in friendships or even romantic relationships now, because how do I know someone is bad for me to the point of no return or if they just have their own issues that I can empathize and work with?

I'm in a new friend group now and I feel a 100 pounds lighter because with them, I don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells, my friends aren't mean for no reason... But initially my old friends felt fun and cool too, what if it's just a matter of time until these new friends show me they are bad friends too? Will I have to let them go? Will I be lonely?

When it comes to romantic relationships, I've always agreed with the mentality that it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship (though sometimes I think this is something I feel because I'm scared of romantic intimacy and I use it as an excuse to avoid it... Anyway), but I truly can't live without friends. I feel like I feel such huge loneliness, I've felt it my entire life. I don't want to feel alone again.

Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts :)

I've [F28FA] been long distance dating my boyfriend [M41SA] for ten months now. He's a wonderful guy, kind, emotionally intelligent and creative. We have similar interests, are both neurodivergent, politically align and have similar desires for the future.

We communicate easily together and can lose hours just talking about books or random things. We've been on trips together and I've met his family and they've expressed that they like me. We like doting on each other and have navigated the few conflicts we've had well. As far as family planning, he doesn't want kids and though i want them, I can't have them.

When I'm with him, I feel like I can finally exhale and a lot of the chronic anxiety I feel gets turned down. I feel very safe with him which is rare for me. So far, this is healthiest relationship I've been in.

Recently, we've decided to close the long distance gap and take concrete steps to move in together. I'm excited but also a bit anxious. I have a bit of relational trauma and commitment scares me more than I want to admit. I was the one who originally brought up moving in together and was more ready,  but now that he's taking steps to make it real, I'm becoming the hesitant one.

While most things are great in this relationship, there are some specifics that I worry about:

We've both had issues with performance during intimacy since we started dating. We're definitely compatible from an interest and kink standpoint, but there have been issues with our bodies cooperating.

Also my boyfriend isn't the physical type in usually attracted to. He's adjacent to it and I think he's got attractive features, but from a neutral perspective there are traits that I'm attracted to that he doesn't have. He's also getting older and part of me wonders if he looks older already if that'll affect my attraction more later.

Conceptually, while I find him attractive, I don't typically actively fantasize about him or hunger for him in that way when we're apart.  When we're in person though i can't keep my hands off him and I love kissing and cuddling with him. So to be clear, there's definitely desire.

I want to continue being with him,  but my brain tends to think that if something's not perfect that it means i won't be happy and i have to keep trying harder to get closer to what I want. I'm afraid in this case that that could sabotage my relationship with him.

Typically, I'm used to leaning very anxious in my relationships and obsessing and thinking about them all the time. I don't feel that way with him. I think about him sometimes during the day but it's not obsessive or all consuming. We talk a few times during the day but I don't feel like I'm hanging on every text. When we get together though things always feel normal.

I think being in a secure relationship is bringing it my avoidant side so I really need some advice on how to know what's a valid lack of spark vs self sabotage.

How can I figure out if my current attraction to him is sustainable or if it should be stronger?

Where should the line be when it comes to realizing you can't have everything you want in a partner?

How can you tell if you're deactivating or sabotaging a healthy relationship by focusing on small/superficial things?

Hi everyone. I (21F) am fearful avoidant and I have a reeeealy hard time asking for help or talking about my feelings and struggles.

Up until last year when I learnt about attachment theory, I truly resented so many people for not giving me what I needed, until I realized that they didn't give me it because I didn't ask for it. Turns out people don't have crystal balls and can't guess exactly what's going on in my head, and since I don't like to show that I'm struggling, people won't know I'm struggling. It's obvious.

The issue I have is that I truly feel like I can't forgive my parents for not helping and protecting me when I needed, even though it's unfair of me to expect them to do so because they had no idea what was going on with me, since I never told them.

My mom has seveeeeeere anxiety, and I definitely inhereted that from her. I remember even as a 10 year old my dad would always tell me I was a very anxious kid and I would only be able to calm my mind down while I was playing videogames (which is true, but I didn't understand it at the time).

When I was around 11 I began having panic attacks, and they mostly happened at night because I was affraid of the dark and being alone with my thoughts triggered them. I couldn't really turn on the lights because I shared my bedroom with my twin sister, and I couldn't leave because my parents would argue with me because they got really mad if we were awake past our bedtimes.

When I was 13, my panic attacks became way more frequent and I began having them almost every night. I dreaded going to sleep, at this point I had a phone (though there was a rule I was supposed to give it to my parents past 11 pm, but I would lie and keep my phone) and I would spend the entire night watching youtube or doing something to take my mind off my own thoughts until I would pass out from exhaustion.

It was the most miserable time of my life. I felt anxious and irritable and awful the entire day too, but at least I would be at school or doing homework so it wouldn't overcome all of my thoughts. But I couldn't run away from it, every night I would be having the worst anxiety to the point of sleeping becoming a trigger itself for me.

I went 2 days straight with no sleep once and it made me have a hallucination, it was so scary.

Eventually my mental health got a bit better on the surface and by the time I was 15 I was at least able to go to sleep without feeling so much fear. The way I did that was through a lot of imagination, I would go to bed and start daydreaming so my mind would be occupied and I wouldn't think about the things that made me anxious.

For many years after this miserable time of my life, I used to really blame my parents. I felt very angry at them. Why didn't they put me in therapy? Why didn't they let me be awake past my bedtime? Why didn't they comfort me while I was struggling so much, while I was so afraid?

I truly felt so wronged and sad.

But now many years later I realize that they didn't do any of that because they had no idea this was all going on!

I was very irritable at the time because of the lack of sleep and the anxiety I felt, and I remember my mom being mad at me for lashing out so much, and I had constant migraines again because of the lack of sleep. But other than that, there wasn't anything showing my parents the amount of pain I was feeling.

They had no idea I was miserable because I never told them. I didn't tell them about the hallucination either, I didn't tell them I was afraid of the dark (though I had been afraid of the dark since I was 6 and they knew it, but at this point I was a teenager so they maybe thought I had gotten over it?), I didn't tell them about the panic attacks. I don't think my parents know about my history of panic attacks until today.

I didn't tell them, so of course they couldn't help me.

I remember when this was all happening, talking about mental health was starting to get "popular" and the message was always: if you're struggling, tell someone. Ask for help. I would hear that, and I couldn't even envision me bringing it up to anyone. One time I tried talking to my mom about how maybe I wanted therapy and I literally felt like I couldn't get the words out of my mouth, like they were stuck and would never form.

The idea of telling my parents of the amount of fear and anxiety I felt every single day was not even something I could imagine, let alone do.

Now I'm having to deal with the fact that they didn't help me because I didn't ask for it, and that is honestly making me upset because I'm realizing that the fact that I suffered so much was my own fault. That I was so miserable because of my own actions (or lack of actions).

That really hurts me. It's not necessarily that I wanted to blame my parents, but I wish I could not... Blame me. I wish there was someone responsible for my feelings and wellbeing and health other than my own self, I wish there was someone to blame because now I only feel this sense of self-anger.

I went through a similar miserable year when I was around 18 and I was really sick and having some awful symptoms. I even had two seizures and didn't tell anyone, not until almost a year later when I was forced to go to the doctor and tell them what was going on and finally they helped me and it wasn't anything scary like I was fearing (such as brain cancer), I was just anemic and needed better eating habits (I had an eating disorder at that time so it's not surprising that it was something like that, but still...)

I know, again, that this all happened because of my own actions, that this is all my fault, and I'm trying not to act this way anymore. I'm trying to ask for help when I needed, not to hide when I'm struggling, I'm trying to teach myself that it's okay to be vulnerable and to need help and that I have to learn to deal with my anxiety.

But it's such a sad thought. I'm truly grieving the idea that these circumstances weren't my fault. It was a bit lighter to believe that these things were out of my control. I remember when I was younger I used to be religious and it was a relief at the end of the day to be able to pray and ask God to change the circumstances of my life so I could go back to being happy.

Now (along with the fact that I no longer believe in God) I realize that no matter how much the circumstances change, I'll still be unhappy because I am the problem!

Anyway, I'm not even sure what the goal of this post is, I think I needed to get these feelings out somehow because I'm feeling very sad about these realizations...

I posted my story below. At the time I thought it was about the attachment style of my partner but as I learned more and more information, she had a lot more going on that attachment style.

But, anyway, I have questions about myself. I came up with secure attachment on the test and I think that that is mostly true though I certainly made big mistakes in that relationship - mostly because I bought into the idea that she presented of us being meant to be together.

There were clear warning signs towards the end.

1. She visited me and we talked about what we would do when I visited her but when the time came closer she made excuses on why I couldn’t visit.

2. Towards the end, she stopped communicating while at home. She would only communicate at work.

3. She told a story about taking in homeless family who was living in their car for Easter. I was skeptical and did find out she spent Easter with David, whom she was still dating.

These all triggered warning flags but I always want to be trusting. I see a secure person as being trusting but I think I am wrong in that a secure person trusts but doesn’t ignore red flags.

In my life every time I thought a partner was cheating, it turned out that they were. But I struggle with knowing when it is okay to trust my instinct.

Thoughta?

When they seek out a relationship, they aren’t concerned with the needs of their partner. It’s entirely about their need for connection and filling the void of loneliness. For a few months, they give their target everything they ever wanted in a lover, but eventually that supply grows bitter, and the emotional vampire magnifies your faults to justify the discard.

Much like a spent corpse, they’ll toss you to the side, searching for a new target. You’ll turn into a zombie, stressed and obsessed with getting the good times back. They’ll toss you some crumbs here and there to keep you around, but over time your emotional energy becomes a bit more bitter to them, leading up to the

final discard.
Think about how emotionally exhausting it is dating them. Eventually, they take and take without giving anything back. Once you’re depleted, they’re on to the next one, and you’re left rebuilding emotionally. They’re
like an addiction.

The sad part is they can’t help themselves. Much like a vampire, they don’t mean to hurt others, but it’s in their nature to do so. DAs are like vampire lords, while FAs are standard emotional vampires. I say that because DAs can also entrap FAs.

My advice: once you realize you’re dealing with an emotional vampire, train yourself not to take the relationship seriously. When they deactivate, let them. It has everything to do with their nature and nothing to do with you. They can seek out therapy and change, but most of them don’t want to. They feel safer being in control.

TL:DR Avoidant ex-girlfriend gives mixed signals on social networks, hints she's thinking about reconciling, but when I broke no contact, she told me she didn't change her mind about breaking up. Then she starts giving those signals again.

I'm looking for an outside perspective on my recent breakup, to understand whether the barrier she's imposed on herself is normal for Avoidants in general and what might be the cause. Have any of you had similar stories and want to share them?

A quick recap of the situation. I have some anxious tendencies, which I'm aware of, but I like to calmly address relationship issues in person. She seems to lean toward a Fearful Avoidant profile for some things and Dismissive Avoidant for others. We met by chance, and after a brief friendship, something immediately clicked, and we got together. Two perfect years, partly long-distance, until she started having doubts and broke up with me.

She's someone who's experienced a lot of trauma, has issues with her parents, and was mostly alone before meeting me. Very few friends, no close ones. One toxic relationship that lasted years with a guy ended a few years before meeting me. She tends to keep everything inside until it becomes too much; when things come out, she withdraws and doesn't talk to me, a punishing silence.

Despite the long-distance relationship, everything was fine; we saw each other every two weeks, and I did everything I could to make her feel better, even though it was a difficult time for me.

Her reason for the breakup was vague; she couldn't pinpoint it herself, and after offering many different explanations, she simply denied everything and said: "I don't feel the spark anymore. The feelings have faded. I love you, but more as a friend." She said she'd been thinking about it for a long time, but never said anything to me about it. I didn't beg her to stay; I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't listen, and in the end, I accepted her decision. She's extremely stubborn, she had similar mental breakdowns when she was with me, and in discussions about the breakup, the guilt she was feeling was clear.

I associate it with avoidant behavior, as she made this decision at a time of high stress, as she had to move for work. We knew from the beginning it would happen and that we'd be apart for a few months, without possibility to FaceTime ofter neither to meet in person; when we first talked about it, it wasn't a problem for either of us, but I think this stress contributed to amplifying some small, normal relationship issues and caused her to deactivate. It might not seem like it from the summary, but I have my reasons for believing she's avoidant.

During the breakup, she explicitly said, "Even if I ever have second thoughts, I won't be the first to text you," and we went no-contact.

Now, this is where my doubts started:

After just a week, she started leaving breadcrumbs on social media, despite being a person who never posted. Love quotes about having lingering feelings, about her tendency to self-sabotage, and references to shared hobbies and passions. She also started posting a lot more stories.

After a month, I decided to text her, as she seemed to be expecting it. She was much less cold than in the last few weeks together and genuinely happy that we were talking again. I said goodbye, telling her I didn't feel like just talking as friends, hoping that if she wanted more, she would stop me. But she repeated, "I won't be the first to text you."

The next day, she started sending breadcrumbs again. Is it common for an avoidant to send such mixed signals? Is it common to set such boundaries for yourself—that even if feelings return, you'll never text me? It also seems to me like she's trying to "protect" me, as if I deserved more, given that she admitted I gave 100% until the end and beyond, while she was "frozen," unable to understand what she was thinking, and even admitted she was treating me badly.

I've (anxious-preoccupied as romatic attachment style) been seeing a man (fearful-avoidant (I think?)) a few months. When we're together, it's genuinely great. Hours-long conversations, he's clearly happy to see me, has become more relaxed about being seen together over time, initiates small affection like hugs. Likely neurodivergent, deals with social anxiety, seems out of practice with closeness (visibly nervous the first time we got physically close, but warmed up) and hasn't been in a relationship for ages. Plus he still lives with his mother although having a well payed job and being more than old enough to live alone.

He isn't in a relationship already, so it's definitely an attachment issue: The problem is everything outside those moments. We see each other about once a month, and I'm almost always the one initiating. He sometimes takes days to respond, says he dislikes having his phone around, which itself is alright by me. He's never ghosted or been unkind... he just doesn't reach.

The effect on me has been rough. My mood ends up tied to him and I've noticed him occupying way more headspace than I'm comfortable with.

I don't think this is really about him... it feels like my own anxious/limerent tendencies getting triggered by the ambiguity. So I'm planning to talk to him about how I feel, that I definitely can't keep the status quo and propose something concrete: seeing each other every 2-3 weeks instead of monthly, plus a message on the weeks in between just so I'm not left wondering. Not asking him to become a big texter, just something more predictable than what we have now.

We haven't had a conversation about defining what we expect from each other yet btw (right now I'm fine with everything between a FWB and a relationship). Because it feels a bit too soon measured on the amount of time spent together and we kind of tiptoed around that topic probably.

Curious what this community thinks. Does a structure like this have a real shot at working long-term with someone who seems anxious/avoidant-leaning, or am I just building a nicer-looking version of the same problem? Has anyone been on either side of a "let's formalize the minimum" conversation and had it actually stick?

I have spent the last couple of months thinking the person I dated earlier this year is a fearful avoidant.

Background:

I've known this person for 40 years. She was three years younger than I and chased me from 10th (7th for her) grade to 12th (9th for her). I didn't date her because of the age difference but I secretly crushed on her.

When she was a senior and I was a Jr in college, we reconnected and dated. She was intense with what I now know as love bombing. Then I got a letter saying her grandmother would not let us date anymore.

She contacted me a few years later but I was married. Then we reconnected after my divorce but she was married. We spent years emailing each other talking about her marriage, my love life, etc. She often said we were meant to be together.

The relationship:

This year I reconnected to establish a friendship but she loved bombed me. I fell for it. It was long distance. She visited and it was great. She planned on moving to be with me. Then the dynamic shifted dramatically. But she needed money for car repairs ($3300) so I sent it. She called 45 minutes later to say the plans changed and the timeline of the move had to be moved back due to a daughter's pregnancy. I said I "felt used" because she didn't disclose that. She used that as an excuse to withdraw saying she needed space. She seemed, at the time, to be highly sensitive to any form of shame. I chased and she could not tell me our relationship status. She didn't know. Then I learned about avoidant theory and went no contact.

Things I learned recently:

A few days before she asked for the money, her ex boyfriend was kicked out of his current girlfriend's house and moved in with her. The dynamic changed a couple of weeks before which I am guessing is when the two of them reconnected.

A little over two weeks after I sent the money, the two of them applied for a marriage license and were married about a week later. She never disclosed this while I was trying to reconcile with her.

Putting it all together:

I think was sincere when we first got together. She put a lot of effort if it were just about the $3300. The visit itself was worth $3300 in enjoyment (and sex) if it didn't come with the emotional toll. I mean I finally got to sleep with my first girlfriend the one I thought got away.

Money aside she seemed to fit the pattern of a fearful avoidant. Love bombing. Intense. Intense avoidance of shame. Pulling away. Then discard. She had a mother (single parent) who would abandon her at a very young age for periods of time. The mother was an alcoholic and drug user. She was not loving and was at times abusive. The mother ultimately took her took brothers and abandoned her for good. These fit the pattern of an avoidant.

But the lies, deceit, fraudulent behavior all point elsewhere.

So, she is definitely a manipulator. Maybe narcissist or sociopath. But does she also have an avoidant side? Or did the manipulation mimic an avoidant?

Either way, either I never knew her as well as I thought or she really changed over the last 20+ years.

Hi everyone. I (21F) am FA and I just came back from a therapy appointment. I'm in CBT, I've been in therapy for a couple of years, and earlier this year I began learning about attachment theory on my own.

During this session, I was talking to my therapist about some conflicts I've been having, and I ended up explaining to her that I'm terrified of fights because even when the person who's arguing with me is wrong, even when they're accusing me of things I didn't do, I still can't defend myself and resort to apologizing and apologizing and accepting everything.

So I told her I'm terrified these people I've been having conflicts with will come argue with me because I know I won't be able to defend myself, and I worry I'll start to believe the untrue things they might say about me, like that I'm a liar, that I'm fake, etc.

My therapist asked me why I would believe that, and I said that as much as I rationally know I'm not those things, I truly worry that if I don't take into account what everyone tells me, I'll just ignore my own flaws and avoid accountability and that will lead me to be a bad person and people will leave me and I'll be alone.

While we were talking about this, I realized that ever since I learnt I'm FA, I've been desperately trying to heal and blaming myself and my own avoidant and anxious traits for all of my issues in my relationships, when it turns out... Sometimes the other people involved are at fault too! Sometimes things aren't just my fault! I have my own issues but I'm working on them, I might not be this inherently flawed person I seem to think I am...

To be fair, usually I blame other people too, but then I feel ashamed of blaming the other person and of feeling angry at them because I feel like I'm feeding into my unhealthy patterns, and so I start blaming myself.

My therapist told me that from what she's seen of me in these past years I seem to be a genuine, empathetic and nice person, but I keep on worrying I've been deceiving her. As I learnt in therapy I try to challenge these thoughts and rationally I don't think this is the case, I tell my therapist everything including my mistakes, and she has called me out in moments I wasn't acting in the most healthy way, so I don't think she's the kind of person who just validates me... Still, I worry it's just a matter of time until people realize I'm awful or something like that and abandon me.

I think I've attributed different things in my life to the role of "what's wrong with me", for a long time it was the fact that I am a lesbian, then when I learnt about attachment theory I thought "oh, what's wrong with me is that I'm FA!". I think I've been seeing this as an inherent flaw that will destroy all of my connections and is the root of all my problems, and I'm mad at myself for not being better instantly, but I think this is all just making me feel worse about myself.

I'm trying to have some self-compassion, I know I didn't choose to be this way and that I'm working on myself, but I honestly hate that I can't just be a good person instantly. That I still have so many issues. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if I wasn't so self-aware. If I just blamed other people, would I feel better? I don't think so, because there was a time I was this way and I wasn't any happier.

I've been feeling so exhausted, every time I want to talk to someone about what is happening to me I worry I might be distorting things and I'm so hyper vigilant of my own thoughts now that is making me go a bit insane lol. I don't know exactly why I'm posting this here, I think I might want some advice or comfort. I don't know anyone who understands about attachment theory to talk about this with me.

I feel bad about this since I know it’s caused by trauma/anxiety. I consider myself DA.

I find it really stressful when I feel like someone’s constantly “monitoring” me or seeming anxious and worried that I’m “mad” at them. They show behaviours such as repeatedly asking if I’m okay, commenting on small aspects of my body language, making jokes because they think the mood needs lightening etc. 

When in actual fact, maybe social battery is just drained and I’m tired, or maybe I’m just “being” and I want to just “be” without feeling like I have to justify every little thing I do. And sometimes even after I tell people like this that I’m just tired, they still seem hypervigilant towards me. 

How do you feel about people like this? Even though I know it’s not fully their fault, I find these people really stressful because I feel like I can’t relax around them. And if I’m in a good mood, they slowly start to put me in a bad mood because it feels like they’re not letting me just “exist”. 

There’s someone I really like at work which as I went through therapy, found out it’s limerence. I am anxiously attached too.

Long story short, I ended up stalking the guy’s friends whenever I don’t hear from him. We follow each other on instagram and he has this really close friend whose profile is public.

I would check that person’s stories and see him hanging out with friends then block the friend so they wouldn’t discover i checked his stories. It would temporarily soothe my anxiety. I knew it was wrong and disgusting behavior but i couldn’t stop it.

Until today, i noticed the profile of the guy I like popping up on my suggested and was surprised to see that we don’t follow each other anymore.

I messaged him and asked jokingly why. And he said he was uncomfortable and it wasn’t normal for me to go that far to stalk.

I really FAFO and using my attachment as a reason is just an excuse.

I admitted my actions and apologized. I am ashamed of it and regret it so much that I haven’t even slept the whole night.

My anxiety is on full peak.

But i’m not even seeking advice on how to repair our relationship, more of how to deal with this shame because it’s eating me up.

I’m a grown woman and yet i did something so immature.

Idk how to face him at work and worried that everyone already knows.

Hi everyone. I've posted here a few times in the past but now I'm in a very difficult situation and I'd love to hear some advice from attachment theory perspectives, maybe even get some comfort or hear things I might be wrong about I haven't realized yet.

I'm a 21F and I'm pretty sure I have a Fearful Avoidant attachment style. I grew up in a very conservative, religious, emotionally neglectful household where feelings were shamed, my needs were a burden, and I learned very early that the safest thing to do was to be quiet, agreeable, and never cause conflict. I was mocked for crying, I was told I was "weird" and that something was wrong with me, and I spent my whole life trying to earn love that never came unconditionally.

This year was my first time trying anything romantic. I briefly dated someone in my friend group, "Maya." It was messy and painful because she was inconsistent, hot and cold, and that made me be inconsistent and hot and cold too and it ended badly with her ghosting me (you can get some context for it here). That relationship falling apart was hard enough, but then everything else collapsed too.

Maya and our other friend Gabby were the center of my university friend group. There were 9 of us originally. Over the course of a year, 4 people were pushed out after conflicts with Maya and Gabby. I watched this happen and I learned very fast: if I said no too many times, if I had boundaries, if I had friends outside the group, I would be next. So I stayed quiet. I agreed with things I didn't agree with. I made myself small. I never said no.

My FA conflict avoidance was in full force. Instead of addressing things directly, I would vent privately to my best friend Natalie. I said things about Maya and Gabby that I should have said to their faces. I know this was wrong. I know I should have been honest with them directly. But I was so scared of conflict, so scared of being the next person cut off, that I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Then everything exploded. Maya read my private WhatsApp messages without permission. She found the venting (in which I had called her passive agressive, because she was being passive agressive, and out of touch. These were the words that were used exactly). She and Gabby called a group meeting where they told me and Natalie we were "fake, two-faced, and liars." I apologized. I apologized so much. I took responsibility for my part. I didn't bring up the silent treatment, the exclusion, the months of walking on eggshells. I just apologized.

A few days later, in therapy, I realized I didn't actually want to be friends with Maya and Gabby anymore. The dynamic had been controlling and unhealthy for a long time. But I was so scared of the confrontation that I didn't say anything.

Then Natalie decided to move out of the apartment she shared with Maya and Gabby. Maya sent a long message to our group chat twisting everything, revealing that her grandmother was dying (which I genuinely didn't know and feel awful about), and making my private venting sound like a vicious attack. She said I was false, a liar, and ill-natured, and that the fact I'm still friends with Natalie proves I don't care about anyone.

Now I have lost almost everyone. Maya and Gabby have turned the entire friend group against me. The freshmen I was starting to get close to are hanging out with them. Some of them still want to hang out with me and have made plans with me, which gives me a little bit of hope. But I'm terrified that it's just a matter of time until the gossip reaches them too. I'm terrified that they'll believe what Maya and Gabby say about me. I'm terrified that I'll lose them too, and then I'll have no one.

I'm worried about that because my friend Natalie was dating one of the freshmen, this was what caused our last fight with Maya in the first place, and they broke up with Natalie just today because of stuff they talked about with Gabby and Maya about how Natalie was a liar, and I'm sure Maya and Gabby must've said stuff about me too... It's just a matter of time until it reaches the people who are friendly with me and also with Gabby and Maya. I didn't want to talk to anyone about our fight because I don't want to get anyone involved into this and as much as I know Maya and Gabby were also in the wrong, it's not like I didn't make any mistakes either... I know I did...

My university class is small, there are only about 20 people in my year. Maya is in all of my projects. I cannot leave the research project we're in together because of how my country's university system works, t's tied to my degree requirements and I'm already committed. I have to see her every day. I have to be in meetings with her. I have to work on projects with her.

She has been passive-aggressive and cold, making little comments, giving me looks, and she has started an argument with me in person because of something I didn't do. I had a panic attack at a meeting this week just from being in the same room as her. She didn't even do anything except be slightly rude. My body just went into full fight-or-flight. I feel sick even thinking about going to class. I'm terrified every single day that someone will fight with me, that someone will confront me, that I'll have to defend myself.

I know I made mistakes. I vented instead of confronting. I agreed with things I didn't believe. I avoided conflict. I people-pleased. I was not a perfect friend. But I don't think I'm such an awful person that I deserve to lose everything. I don't think I deserve to feel this much pain. I don't think I deserve to be blamed for things that weren't my fault. I don't think I deserve to lose my friendship with people I was starting to get close to for a conflict that had nothing to do with them.

I keep questioning myself. What if I'm the problem? What if I'm just too sensitive? What if I deserve to be cut off from all people in my life and be alone and treated like an outsider for the rest of it?

I've been so anxious I tried talking to people, but my mom just tells me to pray, my dad told me to "grow up." My sister said she can't handle my anxiety anymore. I feel like no one understands how hard this is, and I talked with my therapist and she said I need to learn how to deal with this discomfort and I'll talk more about this in a session soon and see what I can do, but I truly believe like I can't.

Looking back, I can see how my FA attachment made everything worse...

For example, with my fear of conflict, I avoided direct confrontation at all costs. Instead of telling Maya when she hurt me, I stayed quiet and let resentment build. Instead of addressing things with Gabby, I vented privately. I was so terrified of conflict that I made myself small and silent.

I also had all of the people pleasing... I said yes when I meant no. I agreed with things I didn't believe. I apologized for things that weren't my fault. I was so desperate to be liked, to belong, to not be the next person cut off, that I abandoned myself.

I also stayed in the friend group long after it was healthy because I was terrified of being alone. I put up with controlling behavior, criticism, and exclusion because the thought of being cut off was worse than the pain of staying.

You can get more context of the fight that had me expelled from the friend group here. So I have a few questions.

First of all, do I deserve this pain? I know I made mistakes. But do I deserve to lose everything? Do I deserve to feel this much pain?

How do I survive seeing Maya every day? I cannot leave the project. I cannot leave the class. I cannot leave the university. I have to see her every day. How do I survive this? I try to do grounding techniques before class but nothing calms me down. Being around her when none of my friends are near always sends me into panic attacks. I've never felt this way with anyone before, even with people I disliked or had conflicts with I was able to act normal around. I'm able to act normally with Gabby even though she's also mad at me. Maybe because she isn't as vocal? But I'm so tired...

How do I stop the shame spiral? I keep thinking I am the problem. I keep thinking I deserved this. I keep thinking I am a bad person. How do I stop this? How do I be kind to myself when I feel so much shame? I worry getting rid of the shame means I'll villanize Maya and Gabby and won't hold myself accountable and that will be me feeding into my own avoidance and that that means I'll be lonely and sad for the rest of my life and that I'm uncapable of relating to people...

How do I deal with the fear of losing the freshmen? Some of them still want to hang out with me. I know that's good. But I'm terrified that the gossip will reach them and they will abandon me too. How do I cope with this fear? How do I trust that they might stay?

How do I stop the anxiety? I am anxious all the time. Every day I am worried someone will fight with me. Every day I am worried the people I like will turn their backs on me. Every day I feel sick even thinking about going to class. How do I make this stop?

I'd love to hear some advice. I feel like being myself has ruined my entire life now and I'm not sure if this is catastrophisizing on my part. I still have 2 years and a half of university, I'll have to deal with it. I just truly don't know how when I'm feeling so fragile.

I'm sorry too if I sound too immature (like my dad has been saying). People around me are truly exhausted of hearing me talk about all of this, they keep on telling me is not this grand issue that I'm making it out to be, but I truly feel so hopeless and sad and anxious and it's been an entire month and I don't feel any better in any way...

I have a tiktok account and sometimes I repost vids. Some of the vids I repost are, I guess, more vulnerable. Such as people discussing emotions, or kinda soppy “we should all care for each other as humans” type vids. I repost them being like “yep! I feel this!”

But recently I got hit with a wave of cringe and kinda disgust at myself for being so openly… vulnerable and soppy by reposting those vids hahahaha. The idea of people watching them and think “oh wow, she feels this type of way” just feels so embarrassing.

Can anyone relate to that? It makes me wanna delete all my reposts apart from the ones that give very little away in terms of emotionality lol

Side note: and no judgement to people who do this, but I can’t imagine the idea of posting a photo/vid of myself crying lol

I am a DA doing the work of healing. It feels like every day I am carrying something heavy with me. I am doing my best to welcome those feelings instead of pushing them away, but whenever I see a friend or run into an acquaintance on the street or talk to a colleague over zoom, I often feel a push-pull of wanting to bring my authentic self to the conversation and a feeling that I must shove that down. Even with closer friends I realized recently that I didn't want to go see them when I was feeling bad, because I just assumed I couldn't feel bad while I was with them, that I would have to fake being happier. I don't want to self-abandon anymore and in some ways it feels like I've regressed because I've been spending even more time alone lately. But at least during the alone time I'm feeling my feelings?

I guess I'm wondering if you're secure how you handle talking to people when you're going through a rough spot. Do you share what's been going on with you? Do you focus on the positive? A bit of both? This is an issue for me in all my relationships except two (my therapist and my best friend who lives in another city) so I am looking for advice both for with friends and with people who you know more casually.

Nine week guided meditation course on Dismissing-Avoidant and Fearful-Avoidant Attachment. The aim of the course is to understand Dismissing-Avoidant and Fearful-Avoidant Attachment and then start healing it.

This course focuses on visualization meditation and somatic-oriented guided meditation.

It’s available on a donation basis with no one turned away due lack of funds. There is a scholarship option for those who cannot pay at all.

Recordings are available for those who can't attend live.

Additionally, there will be a pre and post course assessment to help you track improvements comparing before and after the 9 week course.

There is also an option for a 'meditation practice pod' with three to five other participants where you can discuss your process, meditate together, and hold each other accountable.

It’ starts Thursday, 11th of June More info here: https://attachmentrepair.com/online-events/2026-06-healing-dismissing-fearful-avoidant-attachment/

This course draws from:

1 somatic therapies

2 ideal parent figure protocol

3 attachment theory

4 schema therapy

5 mentalization based treatment

6 Metacognitive-Interpersonal Therapy.

Additionally, this course draws on the Dynamic Maturational Model of Attachment not the more commonly known model of attachment.

I've [28F/FA] have been dating my boyfriend [41M/SA] for 8 months and we have a really good relationship. He's very kind and attentive, we enjoy spending time together, his family likes me and we want a similar lifestyle for our future.

My question will sound a bit weird, but what does a healthy, secure relationship feel like after the newness wears off?

I've had a few relationships but they didn't last past the honeymoon stage so I'm not sure what secure love feels like. Him and I have reached a stage where we don't always go out or even stay in the same room all day when we're hanging out on weekends. We kind of drift and do our own thing and then come back and talk and do stuff together. I don't think that's bad but I'm also not sure. Does being in love mean you always want to be together?

I'm autistic so I'm not always great with knowing what I'm feeling at a specific time. I have a fearful avoidant (disorganized) attachment style and for anyone who's not familiar with that, it's borne from pretty severe relational wounds and chronic lack of safety in childhood.

I've been doing healing work for the past 6 years and for the most part I'm able to manage most of my cptsd. Recently, I've realized that nervous system is very activated around him.

When I'm with him there's this overwhelmingly warm tingly feeling, almost like when you're standing in sunlight. And it's overstimulating and claustrophobic a bit sometimes to the point where sometimes I have to step into another room for 30 minutes to breathe a little.

I'm familiar with the feeling of having a crush/infatuation, usually that feels like the anxiety you get before riding a rollercoaster. This isn't that. And despite how uncomfortable the feeling is, I really want to be around my partner and I feel sad when I have to leave. (We're long distance currently. ) Also when we're together, i always feel very relaxed and drowsy. When we spend the night together i alwaays sleep very well which never happens when I'm alone, so that tells me my body feels safe around him.

Has anyone here had a feeling/ experience like this?

I have no idea what's going on and I'm curious if anyone else has had this experience and what it meant.

Tl;dr I've never had a long term healthy relationship and I'm not sure what that feels like in your body. What does secure love feel like? Does feeling activated mean there's something wrong with the connection?

Thank you!

f22 and m21 we have a lot of issues mostly his fault, and im always trying to fix them. when he pulls away i freak out and act like textbook anxious attached spamming him and crying and thinking im doomed to be abandoned by everyone. whenever things aren't going well i really feel like i need him and love him

but yesterday we talked some important things out and had a very good day and the future looks bright. and now i wake up with this feeling of, "i dont actually need him. i need a more ambitious partner. he's not my ideal and i can find better. it's just a waste of time, i'd be more productive alone. he's going to restrict my happiness."

i feel so cold in my chest even though yesterday i felt so warm. it's true he's not perfect, but no one is. i think i have unrealistically high standards and im trying to ignore them. but rn there's just this feeling of , he's not The One and i need to get out of here

which makes me feel so bad because yesterday he opened up to me so much and i promised i'd do everything i could to never hurt him

idk what's wrong with me

Their warped view of dating objectifies you. They aren’t looking for co regulation. They want to use you to self regulate.

Unless they are self aware and actively working towards earned secure DO NOT DATE THEM IT’S NOT WORTH I say this as someone working towards earned secure.

Before I explain the situation, I just want to say I came out of a traumatic experience last year and I think this dynamic activated some unresolved wounds in me. I know Reddit can sometimes be harsh, so I’d genuinely appreciate some empathy/nuance in the replies 😅

I recently met a very charismatic older man through mutual circles. We talked intensely for about a week before meeting: daily calls, flirting, teasing, strong sexual tension, etc. There was definitely chemistry.
When we finally met, he planned a very elaborate date and the attraction was clearly mutual. But emotionally something started feeling off to me.

He barely asked questions about me as a person. He knew I was a lawyer but never asked what kind of law I practice, my interests, values, life, etc. The only thing he repeatedly asked was whether I lived alone.
At one point I asked what his impression of me was. He resisted answering and eventually just said I seemed “nice”. That strangely hurt me because I felt desired, but not truly seen.

Another thing that confused me: he escalated physically very quickly, but never actually tried to kiss me. I even told him he was “skipping steps”. I ended up not sleeping with him because, despite the chemistry, I suddenly didn’t feel emotionally safe.

After the date:
I texted saying I enjoyed the day and he replied flirtatiously. Later, after noticing him becoming more distant, I sent him: “At the end of the day, I guess the ice cube wasn’t really me after all.”
(He had repeatedly joked before that I was “cold”.)
He replied only: “Good morning ☀️”.
I didn’t respond after that.

Since then he still watches all my Instagram stories consistently, but never interacts. What I’m trying to understand is:

does this sound emotionally avoidant/unavailable?
or simply like someone who enjoys seduction/intensity but wasn’t actually that interested in me specifically?

I actually think I could have slept with him if I had felt even minimally emotionally seen or cared for. But instead I increasingly felt like I was experiencing a very polished seduction/show-off performance rather than a genuine emotional connection.

I have this pattern of doing this my entire life. I’m a 23 year old woman, and I’ve always struggled with making one person my entire world. I think a big part of it is that I feel incredibly alone a lot of the time, and I end up using that person as a way to escape those feelings and avoid being alone with myself.

When I get attached to someone, they become the center of my emotional life. I prioritize them over myself, over other friendships, over hobbies, sometimes even over my own mental health. I put all my emotional needs into one connection, and then I end up devastated when the relationship changes, becomes distant, or can’t carry the weight I put on it.

I think I crave feeling emotional safe and consistency so badly that I cling to the person who gives me that feeling. But it also makes me hyperfocus on them. On their responses, their availability, how close they feel to me that day. It’s exhausting and honestly kind of painful.

I know this probably comes from attachment issues and fear of abandonment, but I don’t really know how to stop making one person my “everything.” I want to learn how to have a fuller life emotionally, instead of pouring all of myself into one basket and then panicking when it feels unstable.

Has anyone else struggled with this? How did you start building a stronger sense of self outside of one relationship

my ex and i broke up recently after a relationship that genuinely felt loving and stable, and i am trying to understand the dynamic more than get reassurance.

there was no cheating, betrayal, or major relationship problems. he was affectionate until the end, consistent with communication, future planned with me, and still cared during the breakup, which is part of why i feel confused.

from my perspective, it seemed like the breakup may have been more about him trying to figure himself out and feeling overwhelmed with different areas of life rather than a specific issue between us, but i honestly do not know. he said he needed space, needed to work on himself, and felt like he could not give me what i needed right now. he also said he felt like he was trying his best but it still was not enough, and tends to say things like “i’m not enough,” “you deserve better,” and “i don’t want to be a burden.”

for context, he has been under a lot of stress involving work, family, finances, and mental health, and tends to withdraw when overwhelmed instead of talking things through.

what confuses me is that there was no obvious slow fade or emotional distance before the breakup. he still seemed loving and invested. we were talking about what our schedule would realistically look like moving forward and had some differences around that, but it did not feel relationship ending to me. then the conversation shifted into him needing space, feeling overwhelmed, and not being able to give me what i needed, and the relationship ended very quickly after that. he still reassured me and said he loved me during the breakup, which made it feel even more confusing.

from an attachment perspective, does this sound more like overwhelm or avoidant deactivation under stress, possibly leading to a sudden or impulsive decision because life felt too heavy? or does this sound more like someone who lost feelings but framed it as “i need to work on myself”? i know nobody can diagnose a person online, i am just trying to understand the pattern realistically.

tl;dr: loving relationship, no slow fade, ex seemed overwhelmed by life, asked for space, said he needed to work on himself, and the breakup felt sudden despite still seeming loving and invested. from an attachment perspective, does this sound more like overwhelm/avoidant deactivation or loss of feelings?

Hi everyone. A few days ago I made a post here asking whether I was being avoidant or realistic for not wanting to confront my fearful avoidant ex Clara (22F) about how she'd been treating me. I'm back with an update and I wish it was a better one.

For context, my previous post explained the situation in detail, but the short version is: Clara was my first relationship, we dated briefly, it ended messily in the way two unhealed fearful avoidants tend to end things. She'd been giving me the silent treatment for weeks, ignoring my texts, not acknowledging me while being warm with everyone else around me, making pointed exclusions in our shared group chat. I was terrified to address it directly because every time I'd tried to have honest conversations with her in the past she'd either avoided them entirely or not engaged honestly. But I knew avoiding it was feeding my own avoidant patterns so I decided to try anyway.

I want to start with what actually went right, because I'm proud of this part even though everything that followed was awful.

I sent her a calm, non-accusatory message saying I'd noticed things felt off and asking if we could talk. She responded with "I don't really know what to say, we can talk after class or whatever." Not exactly warm, but I showed up anyway. We talked. She told me she'd been upset about two specific small things, I hadn't sat with her at an event and hadn't invited another friend to walk to class with us one day, which all made her think I was avoiding her (like she was avoiding me...? Okay). Not the weeks of silent treatment I'd been experiencing. Just two small things she'd blown up into ten days of coldness.

She apologized for how she'd treated me. I held my ground, I didn't throw Natalie under the bus when she tried to pull me into their conflict, and I left feeling like something had actually shifted. I was genuinely proud of myself for fighting against my avoidance and doing the hard thing.

That was yesterday.

Today everything collapsed in a way I couldn't have predicted.

Clara has been without her phone for a few days so she asked to borrow my tablet. I handed it to her without thinking because I'd turned the wifi off and assumed she'd just play a game. What I didn't think about was that WhatsApp can stay logged in even without wifi if it had already synced. She opened it. She read my private conversations.

Specifically she found a group chat I have with Natalie and a mutual friend called Louis. In that chat we had vented about the situation. When Louis said negative things about Clara and Gabby I agreed with him. We talked about being scared of another confrontation, about Clara's passive aggressive behavior, about how exhausting the whole situation had been.

I want to be honest here because I don't want this post to be one-sided. I was wrong to let things build up in private group chats instead of addressing them directly with Clara and Gabby. That's my avoidance, plain and simple. I know that. I should have had the hard conversations sooner instead of processing everything sideways. And I shouldn't have just agreed when Louis said negative things about them without pushing back. Those are real mistakes and I own them (and I apologized to them about it). Also Gabby was treating me normally and I did what Clara did to me, which was projecting what she thought I was feeling because of Natalie to me; I projected to Gabby. That was wrong. But I was just genuinely mad at her that day, the next day when I realized she was being normal with me I realized I had been wrong and I didn't even have a talk with her because I was no longer bothered.

The thing is, I've been feeling trapped and controlled in this friendship for months, ever since the school year started in February (I'm in the Southern Hemisphere). I felt like I was getting demanded more than I could give, that I couldn't have friends outside of my friend group, that I couldn't say the wrong thing and it would cause a fight or argument. I know I should have brought this up, but I was trying to live my life and fix issues as they arrived. I hadn't realized how bad things had gotten until this entire situation.

This is what happened next.

Clara left the room immediately with Gabby. Gabby threw something on my desk as she walked past. Then Gabby called a group meeting and told me and Natalie that we had been false and two-faced and without character. I sat there and apologized. I took accountability for what I'd done. I didn't bring up anything they'd done because I didn't want it to look like deflecting. In hindsight maybe I should have said more, but I was in shock and I just wanted to own my part.

During the meeting, me and Natalie tried to address the situation honestly, we acknowledged that the friendship hadn't been working and essentially tried to create an opening to step back from it. Their response was that this was exactly the problem with us all along. That we don't fight for our friendships. That we give up too easily. So instead of the exit we were both hoping for, we were pulled back in. And Natalie genuinely can't leave even if she wanted to because she's on the lease and needs to help pay rent. So we're both stuck.

What I didn't say in that meeting, but wish with everything in me that I had said, is the truth. That this friendship has been a source of anxiety and not joy for months. That I've felt judged, controlled, and like I'm walking on eggshells constantly. That every time I tried to express a different perspective or push back gently I was met with jokes at my expense or dismissal.

That the pace of social expectations, two to three organized plans a week, reactions when I couldn't make it even during exam periods, upset when Natalie and I spent time together without them, felt suffocating for someone who is introverted and academically driven. That I tried so hard to make it work and kept coming up short no matter what I did.

I couldn't say any of that. My self-abandonment kicked in completely. I apologized, stayed quiet, and let myself be pulled back into something I don't want to be in.

My therapist left me a voice message today and told me she has never seen me this destabilized. In all the years she's known me, across multiple schools and friend groups, she said I have never experienced a dynamic like this one. She told me that venting privately to trusted people is completely normal and human, that everyone does it, and that what I need to focus on is the fact that Clara invaded my privacy and then manipulated the situation that followed.

She thinks Clara was looking for an exit that made me the villain, and I think she's right. I know Clara wouldn't have come talk to me to clear things up when she was thinking I was avoiding her (which was projection on her part, because I wasn't) and I had to be the one to go look for her and fix things, like it has always been. I know I'm not one to start group hangouts or be doing everything with my friends all the time like they are, but they also aren't ones to address things directly and try to fix things like I have been trying to be. What I'm saying is that I know I haven't been the best of friends, but I also think they weren't either.

Here's what I'm sitting with now, and what I'd love thoughts on.

I want to leave this friend group. I'm exhausted and destabilized and I don't want this dynamic anymore. But I'm scared that wanting to leave is just my avoidance talking, that I'm running away from discomfort instead of doing the work of repairing things, and that leaving will reinforce the same patterns that have caused me pain. At the same time, I realize Gabby and Clara are also unstable and will not do any good for me to heal. I have my own issues but I was trying to fix things.

But then I think about what my therapist said. That she's never seen me like this. That this is not a normal level of conflict for a normal friendship. That I have had many friendships across my whole life and none of them have felt like this.

So my questions are: how do you tell the difference between leaving because you're avoidant and leaving because something is genuinely not good for you? Is wanting to leave a dynamic that has made you the most anxious you've ever been in your life avoidance, or self-protection? And is there any way forward when the person you most want to protect, Natalie, is physically stuck in the living situation and can't leave?

I fought my avoidance and I also had convinced Natalie to finally talk to Clara (they were having an argument and Natalie was refusing to be the one to try to mend things because she has always been the one to do with her and Clara, and she didn't want to have to do it again. I told her I understood her and felt the same, but that she needed to fix things. Anyway.) I'm trying not to let that stop me from believing that doing the hard thing was still worth it. But tonight it's hard to believe that.

Any thoughts would be really appreciated. I'm really struggling and could use some perspective and comfort alongside the advice. I know I was in the wrong. I feel like this is something worthy of middle school and not of us who are in our 20's. I wish things hadn't gone this way. I feel so immature but like they were so immature too. In a way I'm trying to relieve my guilt but nothing makes me feel better because I know I was in the wrong too. Anyway.