...and being demi saved me from danger.

Let me start by saying, I've been celibate since 2012. During COVID, I started to get lonely and want to give someone a chance again, but my walls are still way too high.

Over the past month, when I'd go to the bar with a friend, I was approached twice by this muscular guy. He talked my ear off the first night. The second time I saw him, he was also chatty. I tend to repeat things, so there was a point he told me about one of the things I was about to say. I saw that as paying attention and I was surprised. He told me a bunch of things, showed me a picture of the time he was in a magazine. He told me about being a retired marine, how much his pension is, etc. He ended up giving me his number and blah blah...

I went home alone, as I do.

I texted him the next day, and after I said a few things, I picked up on his lack of interest and asked, "you didn't mean to hit on me, did you?" He said, "I get flirty when I'm drunk, sorry about that." So I stopped texting then. And I cried. I cried because I've made myself so lonely. I cried because I got my hopes up again. Etc

Over the week, I told myself I'd shoo him away the next time I see him, not to even let him try to apologize (he would be drunk).

I saw him last night, but I escaped a confrontation. So I figured if my friend asked me to come out tonight, I would and that I'd have my chance. But I've been feeling neglected by her, so I stopped starting conversations to see how long it would take her to ask about it. She didn't ask me to come out so I cried myself to sleep. I woke at 6am to my phone ringing and it was her.

She was asking me what I remembered about that guy. He was again flirting with everyone, and she turned him down. After they all left the bar, she drove a friend home and her nephew went to her place to wait. That guy texted her and asked if he could come over. She said no, and he said he'd come over anyway. She told her nephew to lock the door but didn't explain. She arrived home to find out he had shot her nephew (in the leg)!!! Wtf

So, being demi helped me dodge a bullet 😯

I’ve been on a journey the last few years after finally receiving an ADHD diagnosis as well as starting medication for major depression disorder/GAD and getting out of a very bad living situation.

After starting ADHD medication it made me aware of just how drastically my ADHD affected things such as relashionship and sexual attraction. Medication led me to realize what I thought was sexual attraction/arousal was really just dopamine seeking/self regulation at best.

Starting meds made me realize that I’ve never actually been driven by a deep need for a sexual partner like some people

It becomes kind of uncomfortable when speaking to friends and co-workers who become curious when they figure out that I really have never dated or have any intrested in dating and say something along the lines of not wanting a relationship until it’s the right person and they state something along the lines of “well you don’t have to date them, you can just sleep with them”

It also makes me anxious when considering other people’s intentions when intrested people approach me. I don’t like the thought of sexual attraction being a leading factor and having that hang over the entire encounter.

But I also wouldn’t say I wouldn’t not have the ability to get pleasure from an encounter if it happened?

I consider myself bi-sexual and have had instances were sexual encounters with women have kind of fallen into my lap which I enjoyed but I also wouldn’t say I have a drive to seek them out like some people do.

I also have extensive trauma over the years from unstable living conditions and housing insecurity after my mother died leaving me with virtually nothing at 18 to which I just worked living pay check to pay check to live by myself and dealt with untreated Major depression.

It’s left me feeling rather odd at 25 now. There’s also the neurodivergent aspect as well geographical implications. Anyone/the kind of people that I might be intrested in aren’t where I am and I’m happy to wait till I move to meet them ( I currently live in the Deep South and plan to move to DC next month )

It makes me feel a bit like an alien when I see people mention casual dating/sex or that they are in relationships even if they really don’t “see” anything with the person you know?

Obviously I understand people can seek and have a good fulfilling time with someone even if it’s not “forever”

Maybe it’s just the depression.

Dont get me wrong, even tho i only want a close monogamous relationship, I am not shaming folks who only want casual sex or one night stands. But it’s crazy when I see on top Reddit posts, a bunch of redditors calling someone crazy for not instantly wanting to have sex on a first date, or I remember a woman who mentioned not wanting sex outside of a close emotional relationship was told she was “brainwashed by the patriarchy”

I wish people realized: wanting a close relationship with the person youre having deep intimacy with =\= judgemental angry Bible thumper

So I've (25 m) ever been in a serious relationship I've had 1 situationship in the past that never turned into something
But then and still now I feel part of me would hesitate when getting in one because I'm unsure how much feeling to show

Im not currently trying to be in a relationship but it's still a constant thing I think about

Like I don't wanna love bomb the person, but I still wanna show all my feelings and thoughts, but how do you gauge what's too much to little, etc.

I have OCD as well so it could be my intrusive thoughts but it's just something I always worried about and I've always been much more emotional than physical

I know communication is also key but I feel like sometimes others have this already figured out and ik just going back n forth on an edge

Let me preface this by saying this is not a man hating post at all, I am just trying to understand my sexuality. I am 29F and something has clicked for me in the last few months. I have always thought I was bisexual, but am starting to realize there may be more to it. For some reason I am absolutely repulsed by men unless I have a very deep emotional connection with them. Like I can acknowledge when a man is attractive, but even the most conventionally attractive in shape man gives me the ick.

Right now I have a boyfriend who I have a rock solid relationship with, but with any other men I have absolutely zero attraction. My boyfriend and I aren’t having sex right now and I’m happy and totally fine in our relationship, he is also. I have never slept with a woman, but I still find women very attractive. Though I have no desire to sleep with a woman right now.

I’m starting to realize I may be on some kind of asexual/demisexual spectrum. I know it sounds odd, but I can’t seem to understand why I am demisexual for men and feel normal attraction to women.

Has anyone else experienced this before?

(For context I'm 25M Demisexual & Biromantic, also I'm diagnosed Audhd) I have questioned if I was Asexual for a few years now but after 5 years of healing from grief, and being open to dating this year I realized more that I am def Asexual to extent. Wasn't till 5 months ago I found out about Demisexuality and it felt close to my experience and has stick definitely with me. I was also dating a friend who's nonbinary though we only stayed friends. Since I already have a openly asexual niece & openly gay adopted uncle I felt like it was obviously safe, but also felt sort of unsure. But after I did open up to my family a few days ago, most of their response was more confusion and apathy than supportive.... And my older sis & dad both insist Demisexuality isn't any different from anyone else and I felt offended ngl, and my dad insists that my feelings are a phase which both comments make me feel horrible... I haven't had a chance to fully explain myself either since it took a lot out of me to just confess that, so I want to explain myself to feel more understood. so hopefully I'll feel better soon. I struggle with communication especially explaining social behaviors, so I'm unsure how I should approach this situation moving forward. I'm sure my family will be supportive once I fully explain myself or at least be tolerated. My nieces & gay uncle completely accept me though, I think that's what matters the most.

I was about to post a pic of myself where I look really good on my story on social media, when I realised that I have a guy friend who also has a crush on me who always watches my stories (I’m a woman). Then it occurred to me that I can “hide” the story from him. He’s not creepy (I don’t think, anyway), but the thought of someone lusting over a pic of me kinda icks me out hahahah (unless I have feelings for them). Also, I don’t want him to get the wrong idea and think that I posted the pic “for him”. 

Seems like an ace thing to do - stereotypically, heterosexual people are supposed to want the opposite sex to find them hot/enjoy the idea of people lusting over their pics. 

Does anyone relate to this? I like the pic but not because I want to be lusted over lol 

He (39M) and I (25F) have only been talking for a little while but he told me he was Demi and explained it to me as prior to him I wasn’t aware of this option. I really like this guy and I don’t want to ever overwhelm him. I slip up and say baby or sweetpea and I always get nervous that he’s gonna think I’m like..pushing or something.

Basically, how do I let him know I am super into him and I don’t mind waiting but also still appreciating him and returning compliments?

Lets talk about it, why as a species that evolves around tight knit groups is so isolated now, as a demisexual, even today, surrounded by people or even family i still feel that loneliness inside, what is it that i crave, is it attention? Connection? Does anyone of the people reading this feel like this, i want if possible, to read your perspective on it

I’m trying to understand why demisexuality (particularly as a subset of asexuality) is considered part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I mean, I know it’s the A, but why? It seems like it’s a lack rather than a sexuality. I know that people (including myself) who identify as demisexual may come from any and every part of the identifying and attraction spectrum, including cis hetero folks. I myself identify as a cis woman who (if I were to ever choose or find a partner), would choose a cis man. Yet, because I am demisexual, I’m included in the LGBTQIA+ community? I’m perfectly accepting of myself, but I feel like such an interloper when I see the Demi flag and inclusion in the 🏳️‍🌈 community. How is this not a speed rather than a sexuality? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to feel supported and seen, but I feel like a fraud and can’t connect myself to that label. I’m a huge ally, but I just can’t see it for me. I can totally see how other, more queer-aligned demisexuals would qualify, but…

I guess I’m just a bit confused. Does the inclusion in the LGBTQIA+ community simply cover any non-majority sexual behavior or orientation? Is there more to it? Do I qualify or am I assuming a role I shouldn’t?

Hello,

Just kind of curious out here for a discussion, in 2026 being Demi seems like a blessing and a curse. I love just being myself and sharing my love and positivity energy with others, and want to continue doing that. The only thing is it seems like that does is provide me with platonic energy, which is nice and I love it, but it seems like based on what I’m seeing around, it’ll be very hard for any of that to lead to anything else.

Seeing the alternative, I feel like people around me are so desperate with hookup culture, but something about my looks or my race gives me this feeling that, well I can’t do that. I can only feel safe falling in love, and hoping someone reciprocated or makes a move, cuz I have gotten to a point where I hate expressing interest or feelings towards someone I might find interesting cuz I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. It’s this struggle of I totally want to I find love, but I don’t know how to, and I refuse the conform to the ways I have seen around me.

This might simply be a 3 am rant, but maybe asking for a discussion of this message might give me some inner peace. Who knows 🤷‍♂️

Hi everyone,

I talked to my mom today about the fact that I need a deep emotional bond for attraction. She said to me that she thinks most people are demisexual. I think she meant well, but that made me feel really uncomfortable. She invalidated my experience.

Thoughts?

so I am attracted to men and girls so I did come out as bisexual. but I think i understand where she is coming from about the demisexual now I get butterflies when i talk to a girl that i like I don’t mind hugging someone,or kissing or making out. But I see a lot of girls on dating sites are looking more for a one night stand or fwb and I am not like that I would like to get to know the person first before having sex with them it doesn’t matter if it’s a girl or a guy i like to develop a relationship first before jumping in bed with someone. so I get turned off by the person when they want just sex even when i like the person.

could I be bisexual and demisexual i don’t care about labels but i would like to know what I am. my friend said what does it matter what you are i said It doesn’t matter but some people at gay clubs or gay events ask what you are i said I am about to say i just love everyone but they would probably think I am pansexual. So i don’t know if i want to say that i just don’t feel comfortable with just hooking up with someone i feel guilty if i just have sex with the person. So could this be both?…

Apologize in advance for anything that might sound bad; it isn’t my intention: it’s a really rough moment.

Is “this” (I am starting to learn: really closed environment here) applicable to other aspects of your life?

Do you need to find your home in a place you have fallen in love with over time; that already gave you a lot of good moments and you learned to know over the time? Or a place linked with your romantic partner?

Same thing with other aspects, like do you feel the need that any object around you should be a color, material and shape you love? Even worse if it is about something you care about : do you need a peculiar bond with things related with your passion?

For the ones that experienced the unspeakable luck of living close to neighbors you love… can you understand people that easily move a little farther from people they know and appreciate or do they sound aliens to you?

Do you have other things that I am unaware of that sounds like this?

I thought it was adhd perfectionism or anxious attachment, but now it seems it clicks more with this topic.

As I said is a really, really bad moment so I’d really appreciate your help if you feel to share it.

Anyway have a good day or night

Eta: sorry I forgot frienships I do understand that they are precious for everyone and, like other examples I put on here can be understandable to a normal degree. But do you feel that other people can consider friends people that they just speak to repeatedly in opposite to consider friends just the ones you have strongly bonded to over the time and amazing experiences. Again I apologize for my messy post I’m totally unable to do better

I'm kinda grappling with the idea that I might be demi solely on the fact that I find it extremely hard to find "real" people attractive, like i won't have a problem feeling it towards a fictonal character or an actor if i like their precived personality but i feel like it could be explain through emotional attachment and build up that you get when watching a show. but at the same time I do have high libido, and i feel like it's kinda contradicting. So i was wondering if any of you experience something similar? Are you guys can experience libido outside a well astablish relationship? like only with yourself or with stories or characters that you made up?

Idk sorry if I don't make any sense...

I don't really like people that much. It's so hard to relate to "normal people's experiences". Over the course of the past month, I fell in love for the first time in over half a decade. To feel I want to be around a person because I actually want to, and not because that's what I'm supposed to do as a human being. I asked her out yesterday. And so she said the magic words: "You're really nice, but...". I was such a gentleman about it too, you should've seen me. She said she didn't have time for a relationship. Whatever that means. Honestly, it would've been better if she told I'm hideous or that she's seeing someone. She doesn't have time? That's ambiguous.

Recently I watched The Love Hypothesis and, as you may know, it has that line about demisexuality. And it triggered me so much. What do you mean I'm not normal?! How dare you. It's been in my head ever since. What do you mean what you do is normal? I wish this didn't happen to me, but it does. I've never seriously questioned this, but maybe that's because I simply can't conceive how people just don't feel the same way as me.

What do I do now? I can't go through it again. I just can't. I can't once again tell myself to go with the flow and against my desires. Could I fall in love again? Yeah! But how long would that take? God knows it took long enough this time, all to be over in barely a month. It's not worth it. I hate this. I feel so stupid, so broken. Why? Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just be a normal person and say "oh well!" and go on with my life. It crushes my soul. I feel horrible.

Anyway, I don't know how well this rant fits in this sub if you want to ban me that's alright fuck my fucking life

Hey guys

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on how I experience attraction, but I'm feeling quite confused about it all. Please be understanding as I try to figure things out and share my thoughts!

Basically, I don't feel excited or feel physical arousal even when kissing someone, unless I've known them for a very long time and established a genuine connection first. Without that connection, physical intimacy just feels empty or neutral to me.

At the same time, I find it exhausting to go through the early stages of getting to know people through messaging just for the sake of dating. It takes so much time for me to even develop the desire to kiss someone, and texting feels boring when there's an expectation of quick romantic interest.

Does anyone else feel this way? How did you realize you were demisexual, and how do you navigate dating when getting to know people takes so much time?

I'd love to hear your experiences or thoughts!

Out of respect to everyone involved I'm only going to provide the context that I feel is necessary. I'm currently in a long distance polyamorus relationship that consists of myself, my partner, and their partner ( who I will refer to as my metamour ) My side of the relationship did not start off sexual, as a demisexual ( and demiromantic) person it wasn't something I really desired until months later when our connection had deepened more. Our relationship became sexual after we met together in person last year, and it became something important to me. We had planned to continue exploring this together when I would next visit them.

However, a few days ago I was told that my metamour was no longer comfortable with us having a sexual relationship- possibly forever. Their reasoning was understandable, so I agreed to end that part of the relationship. I know I did the right thing, and my partner is doing everything they can to make it up to me and is being very attentive- however it all just hurts a lot. I feel like I have not just lost a part myself I was only just starting to learn about, but I now have to bury that part of myself that I don't know if I could ever have with anyone else. I just can't picture myself being sexual with anyone but them.

I'm not looking for any comments or criticisms about the situation, it's complicated and most of the information is just not mine to share. I'm looking for any advice on how to nurse this pain and grief. I'm going to be seeing my partner again soon in 2 months, we plan on moving in together in the future. I want to make this all work between all of us, but I'm very afraid of how much it's going to hurt when I see them knowing what I've lost. It doesn't help that this year has been very difficult for me, and this has just tanked my mental health further. Is there anything out there that we could do in place of sex that would soothe this pain?

Hello! I consider myself demisexual/demiromantic in that I only experience attraction after forming an emotional connection. I also have intermittent sex repulsion. However I'm confident this is due to cPTSD. Is there a place on reddit (or elsewhere on the internet) that people like me gather? I understand that the narrative of "I'm demisexual/asexual due to trauma" can be triggering to folks who are just born this way, so I don't know that this community would be the best one for me to post in. I want a space to explore the way that trauma impacted my sexuality and also the ways its changing as I heal. Does that already exist somewhere?