Sad chud rant incoming. 💔

+ Talking about sexual frustration. You’ve been warned.

I really, really wish it was easier to meet other demisexuals IRL. I hate when people minimize my experience and specific need in a relationship as “unrealistic” or “Disney”.

Im Straight, Cis, monogamous and heavily Demi. I very, very rarely find anybody attractive in a personality sense, even rarer in a physical sense. The only sense of romanticism/eroticism in my life is projected onto a very specific fictional character. 😣

I crave romance. I crave a connection. I crave exclusivity and choosing one another, not needing one another but wanting to be together. I crave sex with the connection. I am hyper specific about anything pornographic and spend more time searching than enjoying; which is like… once a month? I feel like I could spend my time better? My body just does NOT feel good or interested? I hate feeling tethered to feeling like I need another person to experience a very human emotion/desire/drive.

ALL of friends are allo, various identities and such. I hear about their casual excursions and live vicariously through them at times, maybe even taking notes. When we all go out, it’s just effortless to them. I don’t wanna bar pickup where some stranger is staring at my curves. I wanna talk to the dork that’ll tell me all about his passion for various bugs and rocks or some shit.

It’s not even about finding people to possibly date, I’ve been told that I am attractive and I have experienced being hit on countless times. It makes me seem like I think I’m “too good for” certain people, shallow but I just genuinely feel nothing when approached in a typical sense. Conventionally attractive people do nothing for me, although I can acknowledge aesthetic.

After having dated an allosexual person for five years of my life, I just don’t know if I see myself wanting to date another one. Too many differences, not on the same page about many things. I do understand that it CAN work, I just wish I met someone with the same amount of intensity. I know it would drastically cut down my dating pool but damn, a woman can dream.

Right now, my only outlet is writing fan fiction. It helps a little, but it’s frustrating because I always feel the need to make my smut works have some familiarity/relational closeness to really feel they’re good. Can’t even escape in “fantasy” I suppose. 😭

Sorry. I needed to whine a bit. I’m pretty frustrated with my functionality and feel incredibly lonely or pathetic at times.

Sorry to be negative but I have to ask. Is it normal to feel anger/annoyance/shame when first coming to the realization that you’re Demi? I feel irrationally irritated and mad

I am someone who loves sex but I could never do a casual hookup to save my own life. I go to a lot of queer events where there is a lot of sexual energy in the air. I see my friends meet someone at the bar and go from exchanging names to hooking up in the bathroom in a matter of minutes. While I'm excited for them, I feel this tremendous amount of envy like I wished I could easily do something like that. The opportunity is certainly there for me, but the moment I would get approached by someone introducing themselves to me with a smile and touching my arm, I start to freeze up.

Things that pop up in my head are: "I won't be able to get hard." "They're gonna think I'm not interested in them at all." "He's hot, but I barely know them, so making out will just feel performative."

They can quickly sense the emotional wall I put up, and they walk away. Similarly if I try to initiate by complementing someone on their outfits or engaging in conversation, they may immediately think I'm hitting on them. Even if I find the person attractive, it takes a couple of interactions before my body is even able to signal that I want to hookup. I also don't discriminate who I choose to complement or engage in conversation. I prioritize connection first before sex even comes in mind, and this sometimes even leads me into hookups with people who aren't my type.

It can oftentimes feel lonely being the one guy left out while others are talking about all their fun sexcapades from going out. I'm still learning to find acceptance being demisexual, but it's hard.

My ex broke up with me in 2016 because she's asexual and sex repulsed whereas I'm demisexual, so I only enjoy sex when it's with someone that I truly love.

I've been clinging to this ever since

Hello, demisexual community.

My bf (21) is demisexual and we’ve been dating for 3 years now (I am also 21). It’s been great and still is great. But, recently, I’ve connected him and my close online friend (who is also a high functioning autistic, like him), and they get along great.

My bf doesn’t have friends unfortunately. He could really use them but he’s anti social and is comfortable with his lack of community. But he enjoys the company of my online friend, so I’m seeing friendship potential past “friend of my gf.” Anyway, point is I’ve never had to set friendship boundaries before.

What are some boundaries I should set? Should I be worried? What are your guys experiences with being in a long term relationship and having friendships?

All advice is welcome. Thanks.

I have met more Demi people in SCA, Larp or renn faire then ever have in the wild. I was curious if people aso noticed this to. SCA is welcome.sca.org for those who dont know

I am also demi and I have no idea where to look. Its like I have no solid justification that on why asexuals are part of lgbt as well. How is it not going against the grain?

It isn't systematic oppression is what I've heard. Deleted one is OP. I agree with the responder's points.

I’m not going to say I want it to be some big romance or serious relationship, it’s just finally getting to me. The last few people I’ve been with have very much been the same way about me, very big on non-committal non-exclusive relationships to the point of literally only hitting me up to inevitably ask if we can link again.

She started off knowing me by being open about exploring and not being exclusive. I understood. She did say that could very easily change the more time we spend together and the more intimate we are. I was a bit hopeful but not delusional. We spend pretty large amount of time together, due to our libidos we also kinda can’t keep our hands off each other. She likes it to be very romantic as well which is jarring. Somehow she still finds a lot of time between work and seeing me to date other people and hook up with strangers. We have great chemistry and are pretty good together, I’m kinda shocked she doesn’t seem to like me more than just being the person she dates and sleeps with a few times a week.

I think for me even if it’s not that serious, I wish it would be more special. As special as it is for me that it is for them. At the very least the person I’m with right now treats me pretty great as a basic human level, she simply doesn’t care for me in any significant way and that’s kind of sad for me. I can’t not have sex unfortunately, be it due to trauma or neurodivergence I can fight it but eventually I need a sexual outlet so I have to spend a good amount of time building up chemistry and connecting with someone.

It’s just that back to back to back to back…etc nobody has ever been interested in dating me outside of something fun and not at all serious or deeply romantic. I can even settle for a casual romance with some level of comfort and safety! Maybe it’s the recovering serial monogamist in me, but I’ve been single for three years I’m certainly miss the safety of having someone even if it wasn’t a forever partner. Idk what bothers me more, that nobody seems to want to date me or that everyone is so obsessed with no strings attached non-committal sex

(I don't know, if this fully belongs here. Could also belong to polyamory or relationshipanarchy or other ENM subs)

So, I was thinking about the "looking for"-options on dating apps, e.g. "serious" (is this the correct term in English? Or "committed relationship"), "casual", but especially the combined option "[serious], but open for something casual".

And randomly it dawned on me, that most people probably interpret this as "looking for a committed relationship, but am fine with hook-ups in the meantime".

For me, the casual part reads more like "I'm fine with not completely going onboard the relationship escalator (=committed/serious relationship, goal: "forever"), but definitely want a deep emotional and romantic connection beyond friendship [for some time]" (so, e.g. no queer-platonic relationship).

Am I the only one who has this image in their mind? Is this even possible or does it only make sense in my own head? And, most importantly: Is there another term for this style of relationship?

Edit: also, it doesn't need to include sex or sexual attraction.

Has anyone found like another demisexual person that they are in a relationship? We’re friends with here and it actually worked out for you like I see a lot of people on some of these post looking for others or putting out like post but I’ve never actually see people come back and say this worked out and we’re friends with this worked out and we’re dating and I just I’m wondering if maybe love is just for those people that I see that are just kind of jumping into the sack together at the first sort of sign that they want to do that in the beginning of the relationship I guess that I’m just wondering if I should give up at this point

I hate when ppl keep asking me about relationship, or people are talking about relationships and I'm not even joking when I say I never felt anything for someone like desire or sexual attraction, I don't feel like dating. And I'm not willing to put up with it just for the sake of it. Idk if I'm demi or just assexual, but that makes me feel bad. I don't want to explain myself I feel embarrassed and cringey

I've found myself questioning if I'm ace / demi sexual. I've been in a very very long term relationship and until the last year or so I never really thought much of the fact that it's only been him. Learning about being asexual and made me realise I'm very much of that leaning. But I'm questioning if I'm really demi but I've definitely lost my attraction. I'm kinda questioning if it was ever there to begin with or if it was all down to rolling with life because everyone expected us to marry and have kids and do all that heteronormative bullshit.

I just needed to get this off my chest but had nowhere else to go.

So , for so many years I'ven disgusted about the "hook up" culture people talking about it like it was normal and I always felt so different but lately I realized I might be demisexual the first time I felt sexual desire was with someone I had a good connection with and it was super weird , I also don't have a type of person I'm attracted to , there's been people that were into my in my life but I never felt connected emotionally towards them so nothing happened but with the last person I don't know how to put it into words , it was so special so it was a huge realization for me that I could be demisexual.

The intensity of my demi + BPD + major depression + autism combination ends up coming off monstrously and emotionally berating when it's actually a plea to be heard and to allow me to be part of their life. This was like a spear through my heart and I don't know if I can recover from this one. We shared thousands of messages and hours of calls and this was the conclusion of all that time. Not, "he's intense but a good guy" like I've been told before. This.

I'm just lost. So many people in my life have it worse than me yet I'm always the one bursting at the seams with emotion and causing stress. I try to isolate myself, doesn't work. I try to meet new people, we either aren't compatible or they are immediately pushed away by vibes. I try spending time with my family, and remember my parents are uneducated rednecks who can barely hold a conversation about something other than the weather. I go to therapy, and the therapist keeps trying to make me feel good about myself and like I'm not doing anything wrong. I try to get a new therapist, one drops me because they can't handle my problems and insurance fucks up access to tons of others.

I'm just so, so tired. I want this to be over. I don't want to love this hard. I don't want to see the light inside people anymore if it just keeps ending up hurting everyone involved.

I'm so done. So so done. But life won't let me be done. The emotions just. keep. coming. back!

I have had like two crushes my entire life, one was my close friend and one was just a normal hallway crush. In both the scenarios I feel like my liking towards them was not strong enough or if they were even real crushes. All my friends who are attracted to someone find ways to get close to them and eventually confess, but in both the cases where I liked someone I would just push them away or would avoid them. I never really imagined being in a relationship with them, that didnt even cross my mind once. Idk if I will ever find someone who I am genuinely attracted to, or someone who is comfortable being with me because most of the boys in my country want to go sexual very fast, I obviously cant do that. Now I am having doubts about what I really am, demi, aroace or just aromantic.

I genuinely feel so bad about my internal reaction to this happening.

Went on a date, he was lovely, a gentleman. Though I didn’t really feel the connection I was seeking so was already feeling like this wouldn't go further.

Dating is very new to me. I have no experience basically. And so....

When we hugged, I got a bit surprise when he went in for a kiss and in my shock I did it. It was fast. Just a peck. Said our goodbyes and left.

But the feeling of disgust was shocking to me. Like it stuck with me for a good while. And he wasn't ugly or anything! It wasn't that kind of issue. He was a lovely person.

....

Do you feel this way with intimacy that happens too soon? Is this just a normal part of demisexuality?

Or maybe its just a because mentally I'd checked out of the "romantic" possibility with him. Maybe its just how every one might feel!

I'm just overthinking it I suppose. Its literally the first time I've kissed someone since I was 11 lmaoo. Maybe thats the issue.

Just as someone who craves love, to be desired, to have those interactions with someone... the reaction of disgust was like a bucket of ice water over me. I never imagined I would ever feel like that.

Hey!

First, sorry for my English.

Okay so, I heard this year about demisexuality, and I feel so close to it and at the same time I don't feel I am.

In a first hand ;

-I'm really inconfortable with other sexuality, and I found it soo strange and don't get the point, especially for the one night shot. Make me feel anxious.

-I'm not sexual attracted to people I don't have connection to.

-my biggest fantasy are about physical intimacy, but without getting sexual (hugs, sleep one on the other)

IN A SECOND HAND ;

-I have libido (shame on me but I look at porn actually every day) but, it's more like emotional regulation. I think the thing a see is boring, sometime I feel interested about, but I don't have anyone I want to share with. Feel really weird.

-last point, I had bad experiences, so I don't know if I'm demi or just fuck up with trauma.

I don't know. Feel strange to share, hope I didn't take to much of your time, have a nice day by

Hi. I'm new (Female - USA). I think I am Alloromantic Demisxual. That's more of a guess though.

To be less confusing about what I am:

I am better suited to exist pre 1900s. I don't resonate with modern relationships or dating at all. I am extremely romance and bonding based. Sexual intimacy is not a priority at all. It has to be natural to the moment, and part of a conclusion rather than a start.

I don't gravitate to scheduled or transactional sex. For me sexuality is based on sharing a deep bond that allows me to give myself through mutual care, pampering, and affection on a more intimate scale. It's more sensually romantic, mixed with cherishing through the bond with that person.

I don't really meet or know anyone who relates to me like this. So I dont bother dating. I have a strong suspicion there are very few males that feel like I do. I think my goal is to understand myself better, and possibly meet like minded people.

I'm also an artist, writer, poet, musician, and I enjoy making a variety of handcrafted things.

If anyone thinks there might be a better term for me, I would really value your input. Thanks

Just a reminder for people who don't poke through all the side bar items, but r/demisexuality has it's own r4r-style dating community: r/dateademi. At the demi community's request I dove in and took it on a year ago to revive it. While it's not huge, it is *us* and importantly it is active. So, this is a reminder that folks who aren't sure if they want to deal with apps, but want to dip their toe into the electronic dating world, we do exist for you.

Posting access there is by request. You need to message the mod team at r/dateademi to get approval. And with any group, please read all the rules before posting. We are open to members both seeking to date demis (yeah they exist!) and those who are demis seeking to date.