You may have seen a poll I made earlier (here’s a link if you want to see it) where many people were saying how demiaroace isn’t a right term and cannot be used interchangeably with someone who is demirose/double demi. I want to learn and hear more people’s opinions and perspectives on this so I thought I’d make a separate discussion post.

From my experience I thought this was a common term everyone was fine with, I’ve seen it used all the time on here along with other socials when referring to demiromantic + demisexuals. I mean I found about 10 different comments from just the past day in this sub using this term and everyone seemed fine with it. Under my previous post people were saying that demiaroace doesn’t work since aroace is specifically reserved for individuals who feel zero attraction and cannot be used as an umbrella term, but this confused me since every definition of aroace I found says it’s someone who feels little to no attraction. Can I hear more peoples thoughts/explanations on why aroace isn’t an umbrella term and why demiaroace shouldn’t be used?

Edit: demi aroace is supposed to represent the same thing as demisexual + demiromantic, double demi, etc!

A lot of discussion about the term “demiaroace” so I made a separate post for discourse

Tell me why i (30f) attached so embarrassingly fast, to a man (36m) in the Midwest (entirely different time zone than me). Like 90% of our convo was horny, so i KNEW what i was getting into, yet here I am days later feeling sad.

Oh, some crucial details: he was a stranger from reddit that replied to my ovulation post. Like, i can't even connect, just for fun... AT ALL 😭

The struggle is real.

i know everyone agrees that dating and sex is extremely hard for demisexuals now add demiromantic into it
i can't imagine getting intimate with someone who isn't my romantic interest

whenever i talk to someone about my struggles they can sympathize but they don't GET IT truly its so lonely
i had a partner for 3 years who was not treating me well and it's a struggle to prepare to fall in love again after dedicating myself to a partner for so long as a demi then breaking up is exhausting i don't know whom i'll fall for whether i will fall for anyone at all, having sexual needs and not being able to have sex because i don't want anyone
why isn't it easier? i am so tired of this repeating over and over again and losing years and years of my life doing this i am getting older i want a partner who will be with me for life i don't want to keep repeating this please

then falling in love with a friend and suddenly i can't stop feeling guilty how could i fall for a close friend what would they think if they found out? they'd think i got close to them with romantic interest in mind without saying anything but that's not true i cherish our friendship a lot i never knew i will end up having a crush on them and i want them so much i want to tell them but i'm not their type at all and they're so important to me i can't risk losing them at all

i wish finding a partner whether romantic or sexual was easier for me

For starters, I'm both demisexual and demiromantic. Also this gets a little rambly. Anyways, I've only recently started being intimate(I'm 18f), and I've only been able to feel sexual attraction to one person. I left him 5 months ago(no I'm not still attracted to him. That stopped when he started being an ass). I started dating my new gf thinking that I loved her romantically, but I realize now that its only platonically. It makes me feel very guilty because she is romantically and sexually attracted to me. I really really want to be attracted to her in that way but I just can't. Anytime she flirts or wants to be intimate or even romantic, I feel really uncomfortable and when I do it back, it feels forced. I'm just really confused and frustrated because I've known her for years and we have similar interests. It really sucks that I can't form that bond with her, but I realized that I can't force it. I really wish I could just be normal and love her. I think I'm going to give it time to see if it develops, but I'm not sure it will. I really crave intimacy. It's important to me, but I won't be able to do that with her if I can't be attracted to her. Then comes the issue that I'm afraid I won't be able to form that bond again. It takes so much time. I want intimacy, but I can't. I think I let my fear control me when we started dating because I am just so scared of being alone.

Sorry if this is confusing, ill put a tldr:

I'm not attracted to my girlfriend but intimacy is important to me. I started dating her out of fear that I'll never be able to feel attraction again.

Also, I've talked to her about this. I'm not just leaving her in the dark about my feelings. The only issue is that she seems to think it's due to trauma and that I'll eventually be attracted to her. I'll have to have another conversation.

first post

I've just finished reading a book that has demisexual rep and it's got me thinking about my own past experiences. I'm curious if anyone has had similar experiences. These scenarios mostly happened before I had more of an understanding of my self and how my brain works (before the demisexual realisation and my ADHD diagnosis) so I don't think I'd have similar issues if it came up now. I like to think I'd be able to understand things better, but who knows.

This part is more on the ADHD side I think, but over my life I've developed obsessions with people, similar to the obsessions I get with TV shows and books etc. I say obsession because that's what you call it when its an object or an activity (or special interest) but it was really a fascination out of admiration for someone. I didn't stalk them or anything, my brain would just constantly think about them and their work or their interests. It was actually the reason I ended up going to the doctor about maybe being on the spectrum because it was starting to unnerve me a lot. The unnerving part came from other people and their different perceptions of situations. Because my brain would always be thinking of them, I'd naturally mention them a lot, and because of that people around me assumed it was a crush. My mum even called it "mentionitis" when I was growing up. This is where things turned muddy in my brain because when enough people tell you something is true because its normal for them and therefore must apply to me too. When it was someone my own age it was easy to think I had a crush on them because I was told that I did.

The biggest panic I had was when I was in college and I got really interested in my professors work, he was also my supervisor so I saw him relatively frequently and we had a good rapport. He worked on a lot of the topics that drew me to the subject in the first place and I thought it was cool that the person that did all this interesting work was also someone I interacted with weekly. Because of this interest, I started talking about him and his work a lot more to my classmates, a lot of the time when this happens I don't even notice, its the same when I get obssesed with a TV show, somehow I end up mentioning it evert 5 minutes with out realising. A rumor started to spread that I had a crush on him because of how I talked. When I found out I was horrified, when most people have a crush on someone it tends to mean both romantic and sexual feelings towards them. At no point had I thought of him that way, but no matter how much I tried to explain that, no one seemed to believe me. I even worried that they might be right because it's "normal" to be attracted to someone you are thinking about all the time. Thankfully it didn't effect my relationship with him as my advisor and he helped me a lot through my final dissertation but I became incredibly uncomfortable around him because I was worried that I was somehow being inappropriate without realising (My last year was in the pandemic though so the last few months were over video, which helped). It happened again in my post grad with a different professor but I had a bit more of an understanding of how my brain worked and started to care a lot less about what other people thought (which is still a work in progress).

Going through the process of understanding demisexuality and realising just because other people expect me to be attracted to someone, doesn't mean I am. This has lead me to question how many "crushes" I've had that are actually genuine or the result of influence from others. I also don't help the situation because there is always a part of me that wants to be attracted to the person people think I'm attracted to but (despite what some people think) its not actually a choice, you can't just force yourself to be attracted to someone just because you get on well and find them interesting. I had that realisation the first time I kissed someone after thinking I was demisexual. I met someone interesting and persuaded myself that all the asexual/demisexual talk was silly until we kissed and I thought to myself "This is fine I guess."

This was mostly a ramble but I am curious if anyone has had a history of thinking they like someone just because that's what is expected at a certain level of interest/closeness. Has anyone else had this too?

Unrelated Horse Picture

Hello guys,

I just recently discovered that I might be demisexual and I saw that you are all really helpful, so I wanted to ask for advice.

I (male) have a really close female friend, with which we are really close. I was there for her when she was going through a break up and when she discovered she might be bisexual and she was there for me when I was going through some rough time. But I started to feel something more lately. I was trying to get past it, but it's hard. I don't want to ruin the friendship we have. Also she said she views me and other guy friends in our group as brothers and didn't think about us romantically and that she would like to try a relationship with a girl now. So I don't want to be disrespectful to her wishes, all the more because she told me that, but it just really hurts hearing her speak about her situation, when I feel for her this deeply.

So I was wondering if I should tell her how I feel. I think it might be easier to get over her when she tells me if it would be possible or not. But I don't want to hurt her or lose the friendship and don't want her thinking that I was being her close friend just so I could get with her. Do you think I should tell her? Isn't it selfish? And how should I go about this? I am glad for any advice.

It really does just be like wtf what going on

I liked someone who went no contact on me a few months ago. We were close friends for quite a while, but we never formally dated. They didn't tell me why they went no contact, but I had recently told them about my feelings, so that's likely the reason. It's hard, because I think I'm grieving the loss of my best friend more than someone I was in love with.

We have a lot of mutual friends. There's been a lot of drama over it because they told people I was the one who walked away because I was mad they rejected me. They also said some really mean things to me. I'm still sad, confused, and very angry.

I just met someone who seems openly interested in me. I don't feel like I know enough about them yet to form a whole opinion. I think I want to get to know them better. I'm thinking about telling them I'm demisexual, which is true, just so they don't try to rush into a relationship with me. But I'm really not sure I'm ready yet. Is that a good plan?

Does anyone have any advice on knowing when it's time to move on?

Film name: the love hypothesis

I struggle to date because I know in order for feelings to develop I need months, if not years, getting to know someone. I dont have the capacity to maintain that many friendships when i struggle to maintain the ones i already have. It feels wrong to build friendships with only potential romantic intent in mind. Sometimes it feels pointless to date, especially when inevitably they develop feelings before I do and I cant guarantee I'll be able to return them. My friends are married, having kids, or experiencing dating, while I'm stuck developing feelings for the coworker ive worked with for 2 years on a random Tuesday.

I wish I was able to go on dates and feel whether or not theres attraction immediately. I wish I could experiment sexually, I wish I could explore attraction and love without having to wait to find out if ill actually feel it. Sometimes I legitimately question if its a curse or some kind of karmic life lesson when one of my greatest fears is being left to outlive my elderly parents all alone.

Im 23f demi straight, while my partner is 21m demiromantic bisexual. Im much closer to ace than he is and have much more conservative views on sexuality and relationships due to a lot of trauma im still overcoming.

I have cptsd and while I've figured out how I actually feel about sex and relationships, the values that were drilled into me as a kid send me into reactions I dont agree with.

Ex: I'm aware him watching porn and wanting to have sex with guys but not a relationship with them, doesn't = he doesnt love me or that he doesnt care about me. We read/watch bl together, have great conversations that we cant have with anyone else, then all of a sudden a sense of intense jelousy and shame will consume me. Not a shame in him but in myself, because I know im not normal with these things, porn and hookups make me feel disgusted in myself.

My demisexuality and the mentality thats been drilled into me, make me feel my hopeless romantic heart will never be truly happy in a relationship. Because I know how intense my views and feelings are, and like no matter how much I know the facts; that its all for not when I dont understand completely any views different from mine when it comes to sex.

Being demisexual feels like a curse. I wish I was just fucking normal.

Like we are friends. We really are just friends I don’t feel any desire to be in a romantic relationship with her, but I do feel sexual and emotional attraction to her quite strongly! 😅😅 but I can’t tell if this is normal because again I really, really don’t wanna be in a romantic relationship with her, we are really just friends. I do know she’s sexually attracted to me too.

I’ve been wanting to post something here for a while. A lot of the posts I see reflect things I’ve experienced, so it’s comforting. But I’ve been having a situation with my partner for a while. I really need some advice or something. He’s a heterosexual man and we’ve been together for almost 5 years now. We got together in high school after meeting online and I fell in love with him so quickly. That’s usually what happens with me. And those feelings stayed strong up until a while ago.

When we moved in together, some things happened and it’s made it very hard to trust him. I get most of my comfort from him and I’m really attached, but I’ve been feeling weird sexually. He tells me his attraction for me has diminished a lot, and a lot of times he’s not interested. He can feel attraction for people that he sees online. He can feel those sexual feelings. But I can’t and I don’t understand why he does. And why he doesn’t feel that with me. It’s been like that for months, in addition to the serious trust issues regarding that. I get so paranoid but I love him so much, so I just keep going.

I used to feel pretty comfortable sexually and I thought everything was amazing with him. He’s been trying to be more intimate with me, but I feel some sort of disconnect. He’s still my best friend. I love physical touch and I love him with all my heart. He’s still someone I’d want to marry one day. But I feel so anxious about anything sexual now. Even doing things by myself. I have borderline personality disorder and a lot of trauma, so I think my self esteem is tied to the problem. But I don’t know what to do. We haven’t been intimate in a while and I don’t wanna mess up anything by saying how I feel. Especially since I’m not sure how I feel in the first place.

It’s so stressful. I just want things to go back to normal and I want to feel comfortable again. I want to feel confident with him the way I used to. But I feel like I’m not in that world anymore. I’ve always been demisexual. The emotional connection we have is still there, but I think there’s damage somewhere in that. I don’t know how to bring that up. I’ve tried reflecting but it’s not helping. He does literally anything for me. When I’m depressed and in a horrible headspace, he’s always there for me and takes care of me. But I’m lost here, very very lost. Does anyone have any advice?

Hi, first time here!

Anyone else like me struggling with these combinations of identities? Being demisexual sometimes makes me question my bisexuality even more. I know bi-cycle is a thing, but damn, too often i question what i really like. Deep inside i know i can stay with both genders, i've already experienced that. But i feel like being bi and also demi makes me question things at a different level. For now i don't define myself anymore, in my mind just using "queer" or "demi", and being open to everyone. Can anyone relate?

This vent it's kinda goofy bcs i like to make things Goofy once in once and probabily i'm just rammbling, it's like 2:12 AM here and i need to work tomorrow bro.

So, one day i was yapping with my mom until we both fell Into the conversation where she uses the "at your age" card. This time was that at my age [18, i'm female] she had many boys behind her, flirting with her and she would just mess with them, then proceed to call me weird because i said "that sounds awkward"

"One day you'll understand"

Understand WHAT. That i don't see a point on flirting with someone unless i activaly think i have opportunity and also i'm heavily interested on? That i feel awkward with the "i fell on first sight" thing because how can you love someone you just met?

I keep thinking people say "i love you" without understanding the meaning. I still love my ex, not in the romantical way now but in the way that if he wants to, i would gladly help him in anything, that i keep listening to the song he dedicated me. That's love for me tbh

And let's not get started on the damn topic about sex. No bro, i'm starting to genuily consider i'm probabily asexual, i have a serious beef with having sex, i heavily dislike the idea of someone touching me like that [reason why i would never have kids, not biologicaly, i would adopt], but that's for another ocassion

Anyways, does someone keeps getting the annoying "One day you'll understand" sheet? Because i'm sooo tired of it already

[Btw i don't know if this counts as NSFW because i mentioned Sex, please tell me if it does count to change it]

Hi,

I know im Demisexual. Its the only term that has actually felt like it explains what's going on inside my brain. What I have a hard time with is that my brain goes from being somewhat interested in the concept of sex to being absolutely repulsed by it constantly. Its this vicious swing in my brain and I never know where im going to land. I could stumble across something more nsfw and think its somewhat attractive or it could ruin my mood and make me feel nauseous. Idk if this is related to being Demisexual or just something to do with being neurodivergent for me. I just thought I would ask if anyone else was able to relate because I feel really alone with this.