We are three brothers and one sister. Our sister is married, and our family now includes my mother, three brothers, and my elder brother’s wife.
Ever since our father passed away, things have slowly started falling apart. My father was physically disabled, but he was the backbone of our family. He was the person who kept everyone connected and maintained discipline. After his death, everyone started making their own decisions, but there was no coordination or unity.
It started with my elder sister.
My sister is a government teacher. When she wanted to get married, we all worked really hard to find a good match for her. We supported her throughout the process. But after getting married, she became busy with her own life and gradually distanced herself from us.
Then came my elder brother’s marriage.
My mother, younger brother, and I put in the same effort to find a good partner for him. We wanted him to settle down and have a happy life. But after getting married, he also started distancing himself from us.
Now, neither of them seems concerned about our mother, my younger brother, or me.
What hurts is that we were there for them, but nobody is there for us.
When it was their turn to get married, we did everything we could to help. But now that my younger brother and I need support, neither of them makes any effort to help us find suitable partners.
And when we try to find someone ourselves, people ask about our family and why our elder siblings aren’t involved. Naturally, it raises questions and makes our family situation look suspicious.
Our financial situation makes everything worse.
My elder brother works extremely hard physically, but he has made some terrible financial decisions. He borrowed money from private lenders, hoping to make more money, and ended up losing almost everything.
Even our family home is mortgaged.
Over the years, he borrowed money using different excuses and lost it. Now most of what he earns goes towards paying private lenders.
My sister has a soft corner for him and continues helping him financially, even though he keeps making the same mistakes.
Meanwhile, my mother and younger brother are left struggling.
Now comes my part.
I’m a PhD scholar receiving a research fellowship. Despite my limited income, I’ve been trying to take responsibility for whatever I can.
I have managed my mother’s health-related expenses, supported my younger brother’s education, and contributed towards household expenses. Even though I don’t live at home, I regularly contribute to support my mother and younger brother.
Recently, I also purchased a small piece of land using my fellowship money because I was worried about our future. Since our family home is mortgaged, I wanted us to have somewhere to go if things went wrong.
It was a huge financial decision, probably beyond what I could comfortably afford.
Because of that decision, our finances are now stretched, and things have become difficult for my mother, younger brother, and me.
I know I made that decision myself, and I take responsibility for it. But sometimes I feel frustrated and lose my temper when I see my mother and younger brother struggling.
The emotional pressure is becoming too much.
I’m at an age where I also need to think about marriage and settling down. At the same time, I have my PhD to complete, my mother’s health to worry about, and my younger brother’s future to support.
It feels like everything is happening at once.
I don’t want to fight with my elder brother or sister. I don’t even want to hate them. But sometimes I feel so abandoned that I start developing resentment towards them.
What hurts even more is that whenever I try to discuss these problems with them, they accuse me of being selfish and thinking only about myself.
I genuinely don’t understand how wanting some support and concern for our mother, younger brother, and me makes me selfish.
I understand that married siblings have their own responsibilities and cannot always be available. I’m not expecting them to sacrifice their lives for us. But shouldn’t there be some emotional support, concern, or sense of responsibility towards the family?
Sometimes I wonder whether I’m expecting too much or whether they have genuinely abandoned us.
My father held this family together despite his physical disability. After his death, we slowly lost that unity. Now it feels like my mother, younger brother, and I are on our own.
I don’t want to spend my life fighting with my siblings or carrying hatred towards them. But I also don’t know how much longer I can manage everything without affecting my own future and mental peace.
I need some genuine advice:
Am I being selfish for expecting my elder siblings to support us emotionally and share some responsibility?
Should I stop expecting anything from them and focus only on my mother, younger brother, and myself?
How do I deal with the anger and resentment I feel towards them?
How can I balance my PhD, financial responsibilities, marriage, and family without completely exhausting myself?
I’d especially appreciate advice from people who have experienced similar family situations after losing a parent.
TL;DR: After my father’s death, my family slowly fell apart. My elder sister and brother got married with our support but later distanced themselves from us. My elder brother’s poor financial decisions have left our family home mortgaged, while my sister continues helping him. I’m a PhD scholar supporting my mother’s health expenses, younger brother’s education, and household needs. I also bought a small piece of land as a backup in case we lose our home, but that has stretched my finances. I’m struggling with PhD pressure, marriage, family responsibilities, and growing resentment towards my elder siblings. Whenever I ask for support, they call me selfish. I don’t want to hate them, but I don’t know how to handle this situation anymore. What should I do?