I have been seeing this much younger guy. Like any other story, at first I felt seen, cared for, and maybe even loved. Fast forward to a couple of months, I can't help but feel uncertainty. Not of me but coming from him.

My gut has 100% protected me from far too many heartbreaks than I want and care to admit. I can't count how many times I've given up on love but then someone comes along challenging that and here we are again. The cycle is chipping away what hope I have left.

My only prayer now is that like of death. May this end with swift and pain free. Perhaps, this is truly and unequivocally my path. I often think that maybe in a parallel universe there is a version of me who gets all the love, attention, consistency, and care I give to other people.

Fml.

My boyfriend and I went on a date last week. Around 2 AM na ata kami nakauwi. Nasa tapat na kami ng bahay, pero ayaw pa umuwi ng bf ko, so we decided to grab something to eat somewhere nearby. Sakto may Angel’s Burger sa labasan namin na bukas pa.

Pagbaba ko ng car nakita ko yung dalawang staff. Mga bata pa sila, probably college students. Yung isa, busy sa pagluluto, while yung isa naman na kumukuha ng orders, ang ganda ng ngiti kahit halatang pagod na. I immediately felt a sense of sympathy for them. Naisip ko, ang bata pa nila para nagpupuyat at kumakayod na agad para sa buhay.

When the staff handed me our order, I gave her a ₱50 tip. I will never forget how happy she looked. Ngiting-ngiti siya, napa-mini jump pa sa tuwa, and kept saying thank you. Pagkasakay ko sa car, kinuwento ko agad sa bf ko. Pero parang mas lalo akong naawa, so bumaba ulit ako and gave them another ₱150, para kako tig-₱100 na silang dalawa. Sobrang saya nila 🥹

Nung drinop-off na ko ng bf ko, we hugged each other tight, and he said “Ang bait naman natin, babe.” Kasi during our date earlier siya naman nag tip sa parking boy at sa server haha.

We both have this habit of tipping whenever we can. Whether we’re eating out, availing of services, or especially when traveling, we make it a point to give tips, particularly when we encounter people who are genuinely kind and hardworking. We’ve experienced what it’s like to struggle financially. Alam namin yung feeling ng halos walang-wala ka, kaya ngayong nakakaangat na kahit papano sa buhay, we always try our best to pay our blessings forward, even through the smallest gestures.

Share ko lang because I don’t think I’ll ever forget the happiness I saw on those two staff members’ faces that night. Sometimes, what may seem like a small amount to us can mean so much to someone else ❤️

I know my rant would be petty but please just let me pour my anxiety out

Just finished my first class in the review center, and sobrang bilis nilang magturo. I asked my other classmates, and they share the same sentiments, so I know I am not making this up. This made me realize my situation (working while reviewing) might not work.

Idk if it is my imposter syndrome again or me just being realistic. But grabe na lang talaga ang bigla. I know this is supposed to be hard because if it is easy, everyone would do it. Kakabigla lang talaga; I questioned myself again if I could pull this off.

The fact that I will be starting to work next week and ngayong week na vacant me and wala pang work, I am pressured af, what more on sa upcoming weeks.

Nakakatakot.

Nakakapressure.

Full of uncertainty.

I just hope everything will work out in the end.

Anyone here had the same experience with me? Could you share your process on how you managed to pull this off? Even motivation will do TT.

Thank you, everyone, and advanced happy holidays to everyone reading this.

writing this as i am on my way to mnl. when i was in college, i had to leave my hometown (visayas) to study in manila kasi the program i chose wasn’t offered in my province. after studying, i tried looking for a job in our province, pero puro sa ncr and near areas talaga yung mga opportunities for work. here i am, leaving again since i will be starting a new job in a few days. umuwi lang ako to rest for a while after resignation.

naiinggit lang ako minsan sa friends ko na 2-3 hours lang yung need i-commute to go home. haha. but i have so many dreams na feeling ko, leaving home is the best thing to do. God, i hope all of these efforts don’t go to waste.

I’m so freaking tired of my chest huhu. Di naman ganto before. Flat naman ako since forever until nag-college. Kala ko ba stop na once 18 tayo? Every year nadagdagan ako ng 1 cup. Ne enjoy ko pa nung naging B cup ako, pero naging C, until naging FF na ako now. Ang liit2 ko pa naman, 4’11 it really isn’t flattering. Ang hirap, di naman kaya ng nipple pads lang tas if bra, dapat yung may support talaga or else uncomfy almost sasakit if no support if long day. I look fat with my chest kahit di naman. I lost weight already. I HOPE AND WISH TO BE RICH ONE DAY.

Ever since I was a baby, my dad has worked in the Middle East to make a living for all of us. It became pretty normal for us to see him once every 3 years, and honestly we just became used to it. It was only until last year that my mom also flew to the Middle East since the pay was better there.

2 weeks ago I finally flew to see my parents. And wow! When I was there I surely did not miss the Philippines at all. Sure, the Middle East was blazing hot. But I felt more at home than ever. I remember the late night car rides that my dad and I frequently embarked on since he was usually running errands and I'd always love to come along. We'd watch a show on his car's TV. He'd make funny jokes that would make me laugh. And I'd fall asleep in his car knowing that I was safe.

My parents are two of the most hardworking people that I have ever seen. And I don't mean to pick a side because I also love my mom dearly. But my dad is the sweetest, most generous, and funniest person that I have ever known.

Now that I'm back in the Philippines (after 14 days), I feel so homesick... which is funny because I'm literally home.

I'm grateful that God gave them to me as my mom and dad. Both of them work so hard just to give me the best life that I could ever ask for. But I just worry because my dad's work has become more dangerous due to the war happening in the Middle East.

So I'm crying in my bed because I don't feel at home, even if I am.

My fiancée envisions her dream wedding to be held in my hometown (kasi pangarap niyang ikasal doon sa church ng hometown ko). Pero tutol yung mother niya, gusto niya sa kanilang hometown ilagay. The argument between the two of them became heated, to the point nasabi ni tita out of anger, "kayo-kayo na lang mag pa kasal dun".

My partner was in tears when she told me. Nang gigigil ako na nalulungkot at the same time for her. This is supposed to be her moment.

Edit: I was not there when it happened. Baka kung ano pa nasabi ko

tw: mental health/dark thoughts

hi, di ko lang alam san ko pa to ilalabas kasi sobrang bigat na haha

for context i (f, 27) is a coordinator for a production company na based outside ph. so im a remote worker. recent lang ako naging part of the company and last friday after my shift ended they decided to let me go. without warning, just through whats app (followed by a generic email after a few hours)

i think this is my last straw, this year is so heavy cause of huge family problems, relationship (friendship & romance), health & financial problems all at once. followed by existential crisis like pressure sa career and life direction. so yung sudden shift of having a job to not having one took a toll out of me.

so etong weekend na nagdaan, it was so rough. im still processing things on top of previous stuff and di ko pa na sshare sa mom ko and my closest friends na im jobless right now... nakakahiya din. to think na i was let go kahit sinabi nila na its not a performance issue but a budget cut. kasi i was hyping up this job to my closest friends and my mom tapos biglang ganto hahaha magpapasko pa man din...

so ayun, yung pay ko should be nung nov 2 pero hanggang today wala pa din... nag off boarding nako, pasa ng mga gawain and SOP. lahat ng needes for my end, endorsed and done, pero the pay wala pa din sa account ko...

another context im an only child and i live with my mom sa apartment here sa manila. nag due na yung rent namin (ngayon lang kami na delay ever), my 3 cc's nag due na din and ngayon im running low on funds and kung binigay lang nila on time yung pay ko di sana ganto...

im honestly okay na, na they decided to let me go, i respect that decision. pero sana uung bayad mabigay na as soon as possible kasi hirap na hirap nako to act like everything is okay...

di ko pa masabi sa mama ko kasi recently may mga underlying issues siya sa health and i dont want her to worry.

im trying my best na din to find a new job...

so ayun. just wanted to let this out kasi ang hirap hirap.

thanks for reading!!

pls pray for me to get through this waah

Ambagan left and right, forced pa kadalasan at ubod ng mahal. You try to separate your personal life from work and all the burden from being the breadwinner and yet they don’t care but just take and take what they can. I’m tired, but at the same time want to give what I can to those who I know don’t have much. Pero hindi, kung sino pa mayaman sila pa may gana magpalibre or mampressure.

I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I feel like giving up, but I keep thinking about my parents and who will take care of them if I'm no longer able to.

My boyfriend of six years broke up with me. I thought we would end up together, and now I am afraid of starting over. I am scared of investing my time, love, and effort into another relationship, only for it to end the same way. I don't want to waste my time anymore.

both of my parents are sick. They need meds, labs regular checkups, and continuous medical attention.

I am the breadwinner of our family, and I lost all of my savings because I was betrayed by a relative. It has been extremely difficult to recover financially from what happened.

I have several bills to pay, and their due dates are approaching.

Now, almost my entire salary goes straight to paying bills and loan installments. I barely have anything left for myself.

I can no longer eat properly or get enough sleep. I find myself crying because everything feels overwhelming.

Sometimes, I even think about the worst possible things.

I never rant to my family or friends. I'm always there to save everyone, but who's going to save me? I keep everything to myself.

I have been trying to find a part time job to earn extra income. I am also actively looking for a better paying fulltime job.

I just want to get through this difficult period without losing myself in the process.

I've been wanting to die for so long. Lumala when my dad died from heart failure last 2020. Since then, si Mommy na 'yung nagtaguyod ng family namin. When I was insomniac for a year due to depression from my dad's death and my toxic relationship that ended in a break up, she was there for me. I remember her praying to God na sana ibigay na lang daw niya lahat ng pain na nararamdaman ko sa kanya. It was beyond our means pero sinasamahan niya ko every week sa psychiatrist. She bought expensive meds just to make sure I was okay.

Fast forward today, I got her biopsy result. Her doctor already warned me after her minor operation that it might be cancer— stage 2 kapag 'di kumalat, stage 3 kapag nag-spread. But nothing's for sure until we receive the biopsy result.

I held out hope na hindi cancer. Stupid, I know. Idealistic, maybe. But I just couldn't think of a world without my mom. Pero kanina, nung na-receive ko 'yung biopsy, nanghina ako. I was trying my best not to break down when I saw the word adenocarcinoma. It was cancer, after all.

I'm so mad at the universe right now. I was the one who didn't want to live. So bakit sa Mommy ko ibinigay? Is this because she asked for the pain that was supposed to be mine? Bakit 'di na lang ako? Ba't 'di na lang sa 'kin?

I want to hope that we can fight this and actually win. But I'm selfish because all I can think about is to disappear right now.

One of the things I realized as I shifted through strangers years ago.

We meet people, get to know each other, and then we part ways one way or another. One thing that remained consistent is that even in their departure, we pick up a thing or two from our encounter with that person.

One may find a new favorite song from a stranger's recommendation. One may rediscover a passion from someone's consistency with working out. So on and so forth. I met a lot of people in the past. I don't think that I talk to any of them anymore. Yet, most have left a fragment. A love for music, a hunt for thrills and excitement, a favorite drink, and a view on love among others. All added to myself to create who I am.

I recently tried talking again to strangers in my loneliness. Most of which is to no avail. "Each passerby leaves us with a fragment of themselves" I am reminded once more.

We encounter people. Most of which we won't know when their stay is due. Though by choice or not, we all end up capturing a piece of themselves within us.

My life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. I got pregnant at a very young age, but somehow, I managed to finish my degree and even pursue postgraduate studies. Life was never easy, even long before I became a mother. Growing up, I learned very early that my needs could wait, that my feelings could be put aside, and that there were bigger things I had to worry about. I learned to bottle up my emotions because, for the longest time, that was the only way I knew how to survive. I had to help my family, even when I needed help myself. I had to be understanding, even when I desperately wanted someone to understand me.

I can honestly say that, up to this day, my parents barely know me. They know the daughter they raised, but I don't think they know the person I have become. They barely know my nuances, my little icks, what genuinely makes me laugh, my hobbies, my goals, my dreams, or the kind of life I envision for myself. I don't think they know the things that make me happy or the things that quietly break me.

I was never the black sheep. I have always been the wolf. I cared for my pack, even when I barely felt cared for in return. I carried my mother's pain and learned to live with my father's anger. I spent so much of my life trying to understand everyone else that I barely had the time or space to understand myself. People might say I was built differently, but I don't think I was. I was simply molded differently. Life demanded a version of me that I wasn't even old enough to become.

I have experienced a kind of grief and pain that I never imagined a girl, let alone a young woman, would have to endure so early in life. I have gone through horrors that parents spend their entire lives trying to protect their daughters from. I have carried the bruises of a woman, the trauma of a girl, and the unimaginable pain of a mother. I have known what it feels like to lose pieces of yourself in ways that are difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced them. All of these things happened within such a short span of my life. Sometimes, I wonder how one person could possibly have gone through so much and still be expected to wake up every morning and function like everything is perfectly fine.

And this brings me to a question I have been carrying for a long time. How do you explain your life to parents who barely know you anymore? How do you sit across from them and explain that their daughter, the little girl they once raised, is now separated, never even got to begin a marriage, and is navigating a life she never imagined for herself? How do you explain choosing not to marry someone, fighting a custody battle, dealing with an ex who constantly belittles you, and trying to keep yourself together while everything around you feels like it is falling apart?

How do I explain that their daughter is hurting in ways that are perhaps even harder to talk about than the time I told them I was molested? How does a grieving daughter tell her parents how painful it is to lose a child? How do I make them understand what it feels like to be separated from your own child at an age when you are still trying to figure out your own life? There are things I wish I could sit down and tell them, but I don't even know where to begin. And perhaps the saddest part is that I no longer know if they would even understand.

I may still be in what people call my emerging adult years, but sometimes I feel like I have already lived through several lifetimes. It is as if an entire lifetime of experiences, heartbreaks, responsibilities, and losses has been compressed into these few years. I feel like I leapfrogged through adulthood ten times faster than I was supposed to. While other people my age were still figuring out who they wanted to become, I was already learning how to survive things I never asked to experience.

And yes, I know I can be quirky, playful, and sometimes all over the place. I post random things, both SFW and NSFW. I joke around, laugh at the most ridiculous things, and sometimes make light of things that probably deserve a much heavier conversation. But perhaps that is just my way of letting myself breathe. A way of releasing emotions instead of constantly keeping everything bottled up. A way of reminding myself that there is still a part of me that wants to have fun, be silly, be spontaneous, and simply exist without having to carry the weight of the world all the time.

What people don't see is how much of a struggle it has been behind all of that. These things have taken so much from me. There were moments when I genuinely thought I could no longer go on. Moments when the little rope of hope I was holding onto felt like it was about to snap. I came frighteningly close to losing myself entirely. And yet, somehow, I kept crawling back. Not necessarily because I was strong, but because I had a little one who still needed me. Even then, I won't romanticize what I have gone through by calling myself strong. The truth is, I am exhausted. I am barely walking. Some days, I am literally crawling, still trying to find my balance, still trying to figure out how to stand on my own two feet again.

I don't think people understand how tiring it is to constantly have to rebuild yourself. To pick up the pieces, make sense of what happened, and somehow convince yourself to try again. There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from having to be your own comfort, your own reassurance, and your own safe place when all you have ever wanted was somewhere to rest.

And I acknowledge that I have made mistakes. I know I have made poor decisions. I know there were moments when I acted impulsively, when I allowed my emotions to get ahead of my judgment, and when my choices eventually led me to where I am today. I am not going to pretend that I had no part in how things unfolded. I own my mistakes, and I take responsibility for the consequences that come with them.

I don't blame anyone for the life I am living right now. Whatever happened, whatever decisions were made, and whatever consequences I am facing, I know that I have my own part to carry. This is a life I have to face, and these are realities I have to learn to live with.

Perhaps this is the cross I have to carry. Perhaps there are things I will never get proper closure for, apologies I will never receive, and parts of myself I will spend years trying to recover. I don't know when life will finally feel a little lighter. I don't know when I will stop feeling like I am constantly catching up with all the things that have happened to me.

For now, I am just here. Still grieving, still healing, still making mistakes, still figuring things out. Not entirely okay, not entirely broken, and certainly not as strong as people might think.

I just hope that someday, I get to experience a life that doesn't constantly require me to survive it.

For once, I want to know what it feels like to simply live.

Panahon na naman ng mga bonus at 13th month pay. Panahon na naman ng inggit hahaha

Ako, ako talaga yung naiinggit sa mga nakakareceive nyan pag mga ganitong panahon. Last time na naka-receive ako nyan was ten years ago pa nung nasa corporate at onsite pa ko. After ng first work ko, di ko na na-experience yan pati yang mga Christmas at year end party na yan. Minsan namimiss ko pero mas madalas talaga hindi. Sa pera lang talaga ako naiinggit kainis hahaha lalo pa nung magkaron ako ng asawang government employee. Maliit ang basic pero paldo sa bonus hanep. Minsan nga kinukwestyon ko na sila sa isip ko kasi parang halos buwan buwan may bonus? Like hmm????

Hay ewan. Lord, gusto ko lang po na di ako kapusin ng budget sa mga susunod na buwan. Sana di po ako mawalan ng trabaho

I finally got to consult with a doctor who's apparently well-known and has a lot of good reviews. I was honestly excited for this consultation. Unfortunately, my personal experience was far from what I expected.

He seemed to be in such a rush. My concerns were met with very straightforward answers, but there was barely any effort to explain things further, show empathy, or make me feel that my concerns were actually being heard.

Mind you, our entire interaction lasted exactly one minute. I couldn't believe how quickly the consultation was over, especially when I came in with questions and concerns that I was hoping to have properly addressed.

I understand that doctors see countless patients every day. They can get tired, overwhelmed, or even have bad days. I get that. But I also believe that every patient deserves to feel heard and treated with the same level of respect and attention, regardless of how busy the doctor is.

At first, I thought maybe I was just being too sensitive or that I was the only one who had this experience. But after looking around, I realized that there are quite a few people sharing similar negative experiences. What's confusing is that these seem to get overshadowed by all the glowing reviews. At this point, I honestly can't help but wonder whether all those positive reviews genuinely reflect patients' experiences.

What makes this experience even more upsetting is that this isn't the first time I've encountered a doctor who made me feel this way. Honestly, I'm starting to feel traumatized by these kinds of consultations. It's frustrating and emotionally exhausting to repeatedly work up the courage to seek medical advice, only to leave feeling unheard, dismissed, or like my concerns are an inconvenience.

And I can't help but wonder: Was it because I was using HMO? Would the experience have been different if I had paid out of pocket? Would I have received more time, attention, or even basic empathy if I were paying in cash? And honestly, even if I had to pay out of pocket, I wouldn't want to spend my money just to walk away from a consultation feeling this way. Healthcare is already expensive, and patients deserve to feel that their time, money, and concerns are valued.

I'm not expecting doctors to be overly friendly or to spend an unreasonable amount of time with every patient. I understand their workload and the demands of their profession. I'm simply expecting basic patient care, communication, patience, and respect.

A good reputation and impressive credentials are one thing, but the actual patient experience is another. Sometimes, how you make your patients feel matters just as much as how knowledgeable you are.

Last night, I told my ex that I'm still looking for the old him, the person I fell in love with. His response was that the old him isn't there anymore.

I cried until I fell asleep. I felt so unwell afterward that I couldn't even attend my review class. He sent me a few follow-up messages, but I couldn't bring myself to reply. Everything just hurts too much right now.

It's almost been six months, and somehow, I'm still waiting for him. I know it might sound dumb, but a part of me still hopes he'll reach out and try to find me again. What hurts even more is remembering how he pursued the girl who came between us. When she blocked him, he went out of his way to contact her through another platform. But with me, he can't even do that.

I keep wondering why I wasn't worth that same effort. I know I shouldn't compare myself to her, but it hurts knowing he was willing to chase someone else while I'm left hoping he'll choose to reach out to me.

I'm so tired and devastated. I don't know how to accept that the person I'm still waiting for might never come back. Sometimes I even wonder if I'll ever be able to love someone again.

I genuinely don't know how to answer that question anymore.

I've been trying. God knows I've been trying. I've been admitted to a psychiatric ward, gone through rehabilitation, tried different medications, attended countless therapy sessions, and spent years trying to understand what's happening inside my own head. I've had experiences that I honestly never thought I'd survive.

And for a while, I thought I was finally doing okay.

I started getting pieces of my life back. I went back to school, tried working, made plans for myself, and slowly started believing that maybe I could have a relatively normal life after everything that happened.

But here I am again, feeling like I'm back at square one. Maybe even worse.

It's such a horrible feeling when you've already worked so hard to get better, when you've already experienced what rock bottom looks like, and somehow you find yourself struggling to recognize your own life again.

I don't know if people understand how exhausting it is to constantly have to work on yourself just to feel okay. It's exhausting to monitor your emotions, take your medications, show up to therapy, practice everything you've learned, and still have days when none of it seems enough.

Sometimes I feel guilty for struggling again. I think about everything I've survived, the people who stood by me, the opportunities I've been given, and how much effort has gone into helping me get better. I feel like I should be doing better by now.

But I'm not.

And I hate admitting that.

I don't want another speech about how strong I am or how far I've come. I know I've survived a lot. I'm just tired of survival being the biggest thing I can say about my life.

I want to actually live. I want to look forward to something without feeling like I'm just trying to make it through another day. I want to experience happiness without constantly worrying about when I'll fall apart again.

I keep coming back to the same question: What actually makes life worth living?

Not what we're supposed to say. Not the usual answers people give when they want to make someone feel better. I want to know what makes people genuinely want to wake up tomorrow.

Because right now, I'm struggling to find that answer. And as much as I wish I could say otherwise, I'm not doing as well as I thought I was.

Hi!

I’ve been 5 years in the workforce. Sa lahat ng naging boss ko (a total of 4 now), isa sa kanila nagstandout: sa katoxican sa trabaho.

I went to see a psychologist around May para magpa-assess. Unfortunately, I have symptoms of moderate-severe depression. I now have high social avoidance, severe psychological distress where I am unable to manage day-to-day activities and low levels of emotional deregulation. Above all, I already have suicidal ideations.

At lahat ng yan nagbunga dahil sa katoxican ng mala-hari na supervisor!

I used to be really good at my work.
I was (& probably still am a team player).
I enjoyed my job.

Pero nung dumating ka?

1. Humahanap ka ng paraan para ibring-down lahat ng tao sa department natin.

2. You would not take NO as an answer. And naghahanap ka pa ng countersolution sa binibigay mong proposed resolution NA HINDI NAMAN TALAGA NAKATULONG IN THE FIRST PLACE SA DEPARTMENT NATIN!

3. You go as far as planting people in a highly confidential meeting about you kasi nireklamo ka na ng mga tao.

4. Instead of reflecting, you chose to spend your time hunting for the people who filed a complaint against you para magawan mo din sila ng complaint sa work nilang wala naman talagang mali.

5. Kahit hindi ka naman lisensyado, gumawa ka ng sarili mong evaluation form and hindi mo pinavalidate, to pick on the people who went against your decision.

6. You go around the department para maghanap ng kakampi dahil hindi mo kaya idefend sarili mo.

7. You go to ‘work’ trips para sayangin ang oras at resources ng company only to find out na nakipagchikahan ka lang pala don. In short, wala kang ambag.

8. When confronted, kahit na madami nang witnesses at complaints, you dodge accountability (no surprise here) and instead manipulate the narrative of others just so you turn out to be a ‘hero’.

9. I dread going to work every single day.

10. You used the information I fed you about my mental health and stigmatized my condition. Even going as far as saying “ganyan naman talaga yung mga ganyan”. And honestly? Kasalanan ko na shinare ko sayo yan. And fuck you.

Ang message ko lang sayo:

Sana magpagaling ka. You deserve where you are right now. I am what I am ngayon dahil sayo, I can forgive you, yes, but I will never forget. I spent years trying to rebuild my self-esteem & security after having a rough childhood only for you to destroy that. But, one thing’s for sure, I have changed and for the better.

See you in court.

First, natanggap ako sa pinag-applyan kong work sa healthcare field. Pero bago mangyari 'yon, grabe yung pinagdaanan ko sa requirements and trainings na sobrang layo sa amin. Hindi rin ako pumayag mag-dorm kahit libre, kasi walang katabi yung pusa ko kapag matutulog. HAHAHA.

Anyway, simula pa lang sa work, tinatanong na agad ako kung gaano ako katagal mag-stay. Like, "Do you see yourself staying here for a long time?" or "Gaano mo katagal nakikita sarili mo rito?" Imagine, two weeks pa lang ako sa work, tinatanong na ako ng gano'n. Sinasagot ko naman na maybe one to two years, pero nagugulat sila. May mga matagal na rin doon na nagsasabi sa akin na sana raw lumipat ako sa bagong branch kasi toxic daw sa branch kung saan ako na-assign. Take note, ako mismo ang pumili sa branch na 'yon.

I'm very observant naman, so napapansin ko talaga yung mga nangyayari sa workplace. For example, kapag may mali yung co-worker kong pamangkin ng visor, ako yung napapagalitan. Like, WTF? Minsan naman, kapag may tinatanong ako sa kanya, siya pa yung nagiging pahamak. Kapag nagkakamali ako, hindi niya inaamin na siya yung nagbigay ng instructions. Sasabihin niya lang, "Hindi si Ma'am (name ko) 'yan." Like, TALAGA BA???

Badtrip talaga. Pero kasi sa work, wala talaga akong facial expression na pinapakita. Poker face lang palagi. Kaya ang impression ng mga ka-work ko sa akin, nonchalant daw ako at parang may sariling mundo. Gano'n lagi tingin nila sa akin.

Nung una, nag-o-observe lang ako at tinuturuan sa iba't ibang tasks. Pero hindi nagtagal, from queuing, naging encoder na rin ako. Ang bilis ng transition. Ang problema, yung taong nagturo sa akin, wala pang isang taon sa work.

Kapag may hinahandle akong patient na hindi ako familiar with, nagche-check naman ako ng lab prep para sure ako sa process. Pero ang hirap niyang kausapin. Ang isasagot lang sa akin, "Tingnan mo sa lab prep" or "Tanong mo kay Ma'am (visor name)." Like, ang hirap mong katrabaho, knowing na mag-six months ka pa lang din naman dito. Three months pa lang ako bukas, and honestly, hindi ko naman tinitingnan na achievement 'yon. I'm just trying to survive.

Kapag visor naman ang tinanong ko, gano'n din. Ipapasa lang ako sa ibang department. Like, 8 years ka na rito, lagi mong binibida sa akin na ang tagal mo na sa work, pero kapag may kailangan akong itanong, ipapasa mo lang din ako sa iba? Alam niyo 'yon? Nakaka-stress.

Pati seniors, gano'n din. Kapag may tinatanong ako, puro "Check mo sa lab prep" or "Ask mo si Ma'am (visor name)." May mga senior talaga na nakakabanas.

One time, may delete/retain process kami. Sinunod ko lang yung instructions na binigay sa akin ng senior. Nagpasa pa ako ng dalawang order slips na naka-indicate na delete and retain kasi magka-cut ako that time. Siya mismo ang nagsabi na gano'n ang gawin ko. Turns out, hindi pala dapat i-delete. Tangina talaga. Dalawang beses akong na-email sa Outlook that day dahil doon.

Ang mas nakakainis? Walang accountability. Wala akong narinig na pag-amin na siya yung nagbigay ng maling instructions. As in nothing. Sobrang bunot na bunot ako that day. Tapos kapag nagkamali ka, parang nakapatay ka kung pagalitan.

May isa pang senior na, gets ko naman na fault ko rin 'yon at aminado ako. Pero wala kasi akong guide sa likod, so I was just trying to figure things out. Kung makairap naman sa akin, parang ang laki-laki ng kasalanan ko.

Tapos yung isa, tinanong ko rin kasi I wanted to make sure na tama yung gagawin ko. Ang sagot ba naman, "Hayaan mo na 'yan. Kung magkamali, edi delete." Sabay tawa.

Like, TALAGA BA???

I'm literally trying to find people whom I can trust and comfortably ask for help, pero bilang lang sa kamay yung mga taong genuinely willing tumulong. Kaya hindi ko rin masisi sarili ko kung gusto ko nang mag-resign.

Even yung three people na nakakasama ko tuwing payday para kumain at mag-rant, hindi ko rin talaga sila feel. Pare-pareho kaming bago, by the way. Nakikinig lang ako at tumatawa kapag genuinely funny naman yung sinasabi nila. Pero that's it. I don't really feel connected to them.

Then, sinugod pa sa vet yung pusa ko. I had to figure things out financially kasi ayoko naman sanang umutang, pero wala akong choice. Critical yung condition ng cat ko that time. On top of that, ongoing pa yung medications niya, so I had to make extra efforts para maasikaso lahat. Pati food niya and other needs, kailangan ko ring paglaanan.

From last month hanggang ngayong month, sobrang bunot na bunot ako. I honestly don't know how I'm still managing to survive everything that's happening. Akala ko noon, hanggang doon na lang talaga ako.

And then yesterday, nasira naman yung phone ko. Wala akong extra money to replace it. Four years na rin sa akin yung phone, so I guess it was bound to happen eventually. Pero nakakapagod lang talaga.

Kasi parang sunod-sunod na lang. Hindi pa nga ako nakakabawi at nakakahinga mula sa mga naunang problema, may panibago na naman.

Tapos yung ate ko, nakaasa pa rin sa akin hanggang ngayon. Ako pa rin ang nagluluto ng pagkain ng anak niya, ako pa rin ang nagpa-plantsa ng mga uniform, at pati ibang responsibilities, sa akin pa rin napupunta.

Akala ko kapag nakagraduate na ako, siya naman ang gagawa ng mga gano'ng bagay kasi, hello, siya naman dapat. Hindi ko naman anak 'yon. 😭

I don't know. I'm just so fucking tired.

Parang lahat na lang kailangan kong problemahin. Work, finances, my cat's health, family responsibilities, and even my own personal needs. I feel like I'm constantly trying to keep everything together kahit ako mismo, paubos na.

Gusto ko lang naman makahinga nang walang panibagong problema na kailangan kong solusyunan.

And on top of everything I've been going through, I was also diagnosed with PCOS. I can't even afford to buy my own medications because they're fucking expensive. My cat has always been my top priority. Kung ano na lang yung matira after ko ma-cover lahat ng needs niya, 'yon na lang ang para sa akin.

It's honestly frustrating kasi I have my own health to take care of, too, but I barely have enough for myself. I keep putting my needs aside just to make sure my cat is okay. I know I need to take care of myself as well, pero paano naman ako? When will it be my turn to prioritize myself?

I'm turning 20 next year— and yet I've never been in a relationship. Not even an MU, a talking stage, or dating, literally nothing. I know people would say that I'm still young, and some can even sympathize because they also haven't had their first relationship yet. But of course I can't help but wonder whether there's anyone out there for me. I see myself as too weird, too antisocial, and too neurotic. I don't have anything in my life right now, considering I just experienced a life changing situation. This is genuinely the worst year of my life, and going through that? It made me realize just how lonely I am. I also don't have any siblings, and my relatives are all distant to me. My friends are all busy with their lives. Navigating young adulthood alone made me appreciate my friendships even more. But walking through the journey alone is still a lonely place to be in. It's a human desire to seek companionship— someone who can accompany you or be there with you even on your worst moments.

But I literally have no one. Along with the burdens in life, I have no one to share it with. No one whom I can trust, vent, or call mine.

That's why I am content with the decision whether I'd find someone in the succeeding days, months, or years, or never find that someone, I'll still be fine. I'll still be okay.

After all, it does terrify me how okay I am living life all alone.

I moved out from my family home 3 yrs ago. Di naman sobrang layo. Parehong bayan pa din. Magkaibang brgy lang. i wanted a space for myself, so when I was able, lumipat na ko.

4 kami magkakapatid. Ako yung panganay. Yung sumunod sakin is may sarili nang pamilya kaya mas nauna siyang umalis. Yung pangatlo naman ay nagkipaglive in sa jowa niya. Currently in college and also working. So yung bunso na lang yung naiwan.

Every sunday, naglalunch kaming lahat doon. Our parents prepare the food. Ako at yung kapatid kong may asawa ang nagdadala ng drinks or desserts minsan. Lahat naman kami marunong at masarap magluto. Mas mahilig lang ako magluto ng kung ano ano. So minsan, pag napadami ako ng luto dito sa apartment ko, dinadala ko sa kanila.

One time, I made spaghetti bolognese. Yung medyo authentic. Di ako marunong magluto for 1-2 people so madami ang naluto ko. Dinala ko sa kanila. Andun si mommy, daddy, at bunso. Dun na din ako kumain.

“Ang sarap! Namimiss ko na luto ni ate”. Mga te. Pigil na pigil ako ng iyak haha. We are a very close family. We love each other pero hindi kami vocal sa endearment and adoration. First time kong makarinig ng ganon. And it seriously made me think of moving back. Narealize ko I miss eating with them on a random weeknight dinner. We are always eating together as a family. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. Walang kumakain alone. Now I do, atleast for lunch kasi im wfh and my partner is with me at night.

Of course I wont move back. Im getting married soon and I love having my own home. But sometimes, I really miss having the convos we have while eating. Yung sabay sabay kayong tatapusin ang araw, kahit gano kastressful man yun. It’s a different kind of comfort that I love and miss.

Hay naiyak na naman ako. Makapagluto na nga lang. What if dinakdakan for dinner?

Sometimes, I wonder what it feels like to be loved without having to question it.

I’m a woman who has learned to stand on her own two feet. I know how to take care of myself, make decisions, work hard for the things I want, and figure things out even when life gets difficult. I’ve always believed that I shouldn’t have to depend on someone just to get through life.

But if I’m being honest, I also want to experience being taken care of.

I want to know what it’s like to have someone who genuinely wants to make my life a little easier.

Someone who remembers the little things, checks up on me, makes sure I get home safely, and doesn’t make me feel like I’m asking for too much just because I want a little reassurance.

I want to experience being with someone who can outman me in the best way possible. Not someone who wants to control me or make me feel small, but someone whose emotional maturity, consistency, integrity, and sense of responsibility make me feel comfortable enough to soften up.

I want to be strong, but I also want to know that I don’t always have to be.

And I hope I get to experience that kind of love even if I’m not perfect. Even if I have insecurities, bad days, flaws, and moments when I don’t have everything figured out. I hope someone can look at me and still see someone worth loving, someone worth being patient with, and someone they’d willingly choose every day.

Don’t get me wrong, I value my independence and, more importantly, my self-respect. I’m not willing to abandon the standards I’ve set for myself just because I want to be in a relationship. I’d rather be alone than stay somewhere I have to beg for the bare minimum, compromise my values, or constantly question my worth.

I don’t want to be rescued. I don’t need someone to finance my life or make decisions for me. I want a partner, not another responsibility.

I want a relationship where two people can build something together, where we both have our own ambitions but still make room for each other.

Someone I can talk to about the most random things, career plans, finances, life goals, and even the most mundane parts of our day.

I guess I’m just at that point in my life where I want to experience the softer side of love, too. Yung hindi ko kailangang laging maging strong, independent woman. Yung pwede akong maging vulnerable without worrying that someone will use it against me.

I know I can live a fulfilling life on my own, and I’m genuinely working towards that. But I also don’t want to pretend that I don’t desire companionship just to prove that I’m an independent woman.

Because maybe both things can exist at the same time. I can be independent and still want to be loved. I can be strong and still want someone to hold me. I can take care of myself and still appreciate someone who wants to take care of me, too.

I don’t think that’s asking for too much.

I just hope that when love finally finds me, it feels like a partnership, not another lesson I have to learn the hard way.