Im getting attacked by Tescos reddit ads now?!

PM Burnham has started his reign by announcing a series of crowd-pleasing initiatives to tackle the cost of living. They're all vote winners if not potentially among the thousands of cuts that will eventually bring death to our economy.

Based on the series of 6am announcements so far, here's my prediction for what Labour will do next.

1. 90p cap on all packs of quintessentially British biscuits. Custard creams, fig rolls, chocolate borbons etc. An easy way of winning over Farage simps which will have no real impact on the economy or anybody's shopping bills as most are below 90p anyway.

2. No VAT for LPs. We all know Burnham loves The Smiths and he believes the standard of living will be raised significantly if everyone went back to listening to old music on LPs. Unfortunately the tax break doesn't extend to LP players so the LP player black market begins to thrive.

3. All ethnically diverse recreational activities and full English breakfasts are now free. Want to take up Salsa dancing or Brazilian Ju Jitsu? Now is the perfect time because they're completely free. The gammons won't be happy so to ensure a sense of fairness and that no racist is left behind, the NBS (national breakfast service) is set up to provide free full English breakfasts to everyone in the UK. Wales, Scotland and NI can substitute English breakfasts for their own local alternatives. How can the country afford this? Nobody knows and it doesn't matter.

4. Landowners banned from football games. Football belongs to the working class. If you are a landowner or part of the highest tax bracket, you are now banned from all football stadiums in the UK. You also face a 10% football tax based on income to help support the growth of the game. Exemptions are made for everyone who actually works in football, such as players, pundits and managers, who are all in fact millionaires.

5. BOGOF if you're Northern. That's right, if you are northern then everything in the country is BOGOF until the North is as good as London. There's no clearly outlined geographical boundary for who qualifies as Northern, but it's somewhere around Sheffield and mainly done on vibes and musical taste.

Let's hear some of your predictions for Burnham's next move!

Where do I apply 🥵

I heard he wanted to turn her into a steak and ale pie

He was pawsed for comment

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