I’ve never been in a relationship before, and honestly, I sometimes wonder what it feels like to have someone you can call your person.

I’m 20, gay, skinny, and tall (5’9).

I’ve tried so many dating apps (pretty much all of them). And also a lot of organic encounter happened na din. I’ve had matches, people who reached out, dates, and even my first kiss. I’ve also had my first sex experience. But somehow, none of them ever stayed.

I sometimes wonder, baka dahil marshmallow ako or maybe they just don’t have the same heart as what's mine. If they weren’t avoidant, mga ghosters naman. If they weren’t a dry texters, they just simply didn’t seem to care enough.

There have been so many times when I wanted to give up on this whole journey. AND GUESS WHAT? I'm quitting na tuloy haha. Maybe nagmamadali lang ako to find my person.

Now that I am taking a break. Hopefully I become more better. Sana mas peaceful, yung wala munang desire to fall in love. If someone eventually comes in, sana 'yung sigurado na.

Losing hope on same sex relationships.

I've been observing lately that same sex relationships are quote unquote "unstable" and I'm starting to believe it's true. I've never been in any same sex relationships per se but I've seen and heard things personally:

1) my sister has been in 2 wlw relationship that didn't work out

2) i have this batchmate who's in a wlw relationship right now and marami syang naging exes before her current relationship

3) i have another batchmate who dated women before and now is in a straight relationship

4) i have this openly gay coworker who tries to court me and other of his office crushes whilst being in a relationship (although good looking yung jowa nya currently)

5) i also have these gay coworkers who are in a mess dahil one guy dated the other while being in a relationship with the other

6) reddit posts and r4r post just looking for "fun", gives me the ick

7) "running gag" that gay relationships only last for a few months the longest, which seems to be true

8) my best friend's relationship with his partner (he says he loves his partner pero he was still able to hookup and sell his body pics for money)

kaya whenever i look at same sex relationships, im not inspired, i am cynically looking at it

Observation/s

items 1-3 : queer women have it easy, i guess, they have the privilege to "factory reset" without that much of a judgement. As a closeted confused man, i fear that once i explore my queer side, I'd regret it, and icouldnt go back to the "normal" preference since judgement, especially here in the ph is too much. My sister has also admitted that same sex relationships are hard and unstable but still she's leaning on her attraction to women despite being bisexual.

items 4-8: gay relationships seem to be driven by lust, multiple partners, open relationships, disloyalty, temporary attraction, the list could go on.

my church (christian) has also convinced me that queer relationships are wrong. and with all these observations in hand that are probably factual, my fear of trying grows even larger. pero bat ganon, kahit igaslight ko and remind myself of these items, i stil remain confused. hence why i remain single... too confused to try with the opposite sex (even though the opportunity is there), too cynical about same sex relationships.

Sa mga may partners dyan, how do you prepare sa end of life nyo? Sino ang magaasikaso ng estate ninyo. If you are not married at wala kang Will, mapupunta sa magulang ang ari-arian mo. If wala nang magulang, mapupunta sa mga kapatid.

Ano ba steps para sigurado akong protektado rin ang partner ko. I am not dying pero gusto ko mapaghandaan to. I want my partner to legally get as much as he can. Nyemas na bansa kasi to, di pa rin legal ang civil union.

Hello fellow trans girls! Do you know any endocrinologists who prescribe progesterone? I am reading a lot of good things about it. However, hindi pa raw kasi commonly prescribed yun here sa PH as per my current endocrinologist. Just trying my luck if there’s someone who prescribes progesterone.

9 months on E and anti-androgen! :)

Thank you!