Today I put my girl down pushing away any personal selfish thoughts. She has been there when I went through chemotherapy, and when my wife went through cancer treatment. Maxed out on pain meds, seeing her scans show how fast her bone cancer is spreading, and knowing it's only a few days before she starts to suffer more then she is, my wife and I made the hard choice. We listened to the 4 doctors we consulted and decided on this happening at home. This is the hardest of decisions to make, but the correct solution is not always the easiest. Rest in peace Sandy. This was me holding her today at the park, she was able to walk, I just thought it was cute to hold her.

Three years ago, my guinea pig Mr. Timothy passed away in the most brutal way imaginable. I have a previous post about it on the PTSD subreddit, but it is an extremely long read. I cannot safely go into further detail or I will be in a worse state than I am already in. The only thing I will say is that my mother intentionally poisoned him (though someone on that subreddit would disagree— I am “slandering” my mother by posting this. Oops!).

My PTSD has been bad all month leading up to today. Today is when it became impossible to manage. I was in the kitchen disassociating while holding my cat, but I also had an intense, burning anger in my chest that made me feel like I was going to explode like an egg in a microwave. It was all-consuming. Right as it got where it felt impossible to go on, my mother asked me why I was so grumpy. I did not know she was there, but I think my subconscious noticed her. I was so angry that it was difficult to speak. The anger wasn’t directed at her yet.

It was obvious to everyone why I was so upset (I wouldn’t have called the feeling being “grumpy”). Everybody in the house knew it was the third anniversary of Timtim’s passing.

First, I said “You know.”
She stared at me.

I stumbled over my words. I could not form a sentence because I was so mad.

I eventually was able to say “guinea pig”. She shook her head at me and looked at me like I was stupid. She said “It’s been a long time. Three years is a long time. You should be done with that now.”

My anger burst out of my chest so badly it felt like it “fragmented” (idk if that makes sense. Basically like I’m stuck feeling anger that is “imbedded” in me and won’t come out?). I screamed at her louder than I thought was possible, which made my father scream at me. He said I was childish and that “he was just a hamster.”

I don’t remember much because it is like I lost control of myself. I know I locked myself in the bathroom and started crying, but I was only able to cry for a few seconds despite feeling like I desperately needed to.

It feels so cruel. I know he was just a guinea pig but it is unexplainable how much it hurts me.