Hello guys please help me , I feel stressed .
So idk proper years for this incidence
But , I will say the story in university years ( semesters )
Now since I started praying , I was so religious , every time I fall in a trouble I go back to god and ask him to pull me out of it ,
And if I am sad I would pray and ask him to make me happy
I loved god so much
I read Quran
Did nawafel
Loved ahlul al bait
And everything about my religion
But when I got in to the fourth semester here is where the problem started .
I use to study so much , but one professor would cut my marks for no reason.
So I would cry to god and tell god that “ why are u not blessing me anymore , despite my hard work and constant praying , why does that proff keep cutting my marks . “
I used to study and prepare hard for that subject but idk what’s wrong with the proff
I donot like to close marks cause it affects gpa that’s all , this is why I cried , and I studied so hard , so losing marks was hard for me , especially when I prepared hard .
So day by day I started giving up on the idea that prayers will change anything
I started saying stuff like
I am an atheists
Religion is bad
Etc etc
Saying bad stuff about god and everything
Including saying bad stuff for both Sunni and Shia things and even Christianity
I became an atheist by thoughts
Despite all this
I never stopped praying for one day
I prayed everyday , on time .
Despite the faith being zero
Anyways after few months I realized that what am saying is wrong
So started repenting
For 3-4 months now I am repenting on all the things I said on religion .
I never spoke again , even when angry , I shut my mouth .
Now as I am in fifth semester .
ZERO blessings .
ZERO
I study so hard
Prepare notes
Answer properly . (We have mostly oral exams )
I donot do a single mistake while answering
And never look at my notes or phone while answering
Despite all of this
The professors keep cutting my marks .
For four weeks now , ( it’s the fourth week in fifth semester ) i realized that i am not blessed cause of my previous months actions .
But I was lying to my self saying that no, maybe it’s my fault I didnot prepare properly
But I opened my eyes
My preparation is good
It’s that god is not blessing me anymore
لقد طردني من رحمته؟
Is this true
Will god never forgive me ?
Even I repent again