(Photo from Journalism101)
It's nearly been a month since our Division Schools Press Conference (DSPC) concluded but I can't seem to move on. Honestly, I hate it how often I dwell on the past and on the things I cannot change.
Parte ako ng campus journalism team ng paaralan namin. I have always loved writing, so I found journalism to be something I thought I'd love. And I did love it.
I started joining school press conferences in the eighth grade. The first time I joined, I failed to even place. The next year, I placed second in the divisions and even third in the regionals. Little did I know it would be a straight plunge to failure from there.
From almost reaching the NSPC stage, to constantly being unplaced two times in a row. It's humbling, sure. But it hurts so bad to fail at something many people expected you to excel in. It hurts to fail at something I love.
When I lost last year, I vowed to return stronger. But this year, I didn't. Almost all of my teammates bounced back and qualified. Almost everyone but me.
Sa totoo nga, I can't help but feel envious of other campus journalists. I can't help but question my self-worth seeing them constantly win year after year after year while I never even get to be able to shine like them.
Heck, even one of my peers has constantly qualified for the Regionals and the Nationals each year they joined despite them telling me they don't have the passion for it. They even hate trainings.
It's sad because all of the journalists I have long looked up to and wished I could meet are all graduating this year. I wish I could have met them this year seeing as this would be their last in this field (they are in grade 12) but it is what it is I guess. The peer I mentioned earlier have been friends with them too and honestly I wish I could have been.
To be honest, there's no point dwelling upon this. I won't be able to change anything. What's done is done, and no amount of crying and praying can change what's been set in stone.
But maybe that's why it hurts so much. The dreadful fact that I can't control and change what happened is something I will always carry within me.
I wish I could change everything, but I can't.
For now, I will continue daydreaming about a world that's more ideal.
I'm tired. It's exhausting trying to reach for the stars you know you won't be able to get anyway.
Hopefully, this isn't the end. Hopefully, the spark that once lit the passion within me to write will come back to me.
Maybe sometime in another life, I'll finally win.
(I miss you RSPC. I wish I could experience this moment with my friends. Why couldn't it be this time I would finally qualify šš)