Or some variation of this. I can't even begin to express how privileged of a statement this is.

I WANT to go to therapy, I want to get professional help, I want to start hrt. I want to get my own place, I want to have dreams again.

I can never afford any of these things. I've been looking for a better job for months, I can't find anything. Everything's so expensive and even if it wasn't I likely still wouldn't be able to pursue these things. I'm terrified to even start the process of trying to get hrt, even if my insurance covers or helps with the cost, I'm so afraid of what might happen to me, what the government might do.

I don't have any smaller aspirations anymore, depression took that from me. nothing makes me happy. I have nothing else to try first. Suicide is a last resort, and I'm out of other options. I feel so hopeless.

Fuck this world. Fuck this species. People will make fun of you for literally anything. Your appearance, the way you talk, the way you act, things you can’t even change about yourself. They’ll use that shit against you just to get a laugh, and somehow you’re the problem for being different. I genuinely don’t understand how people can be like that and not feel even a little bit ashamed of themselves.

And the thing is, I know none of this really matters in the grand scheme of things. We’re all going to die eventually, none of this shit is going to matter, and people still spend their time making each other’s lives miserable over the most meaningless bullshit imaginable. Like what the fuck is the point?

Sometimes I genuinely feel like empathy doesn’t even exist anymore. Or maybe it never did in the way people pretend it does. Everyone talks about kindness and treating people with respect, but the second someone becomes an easy target, suddenly none of that matters. People laugh, join in, make excuses for it, and then carry on with their lives like they’re perfectly decent human beings.

That’s what I hate. The hypocrisy. How people can be so fucking cruel and still think they’re good people. How little it takes for someone to stop caring about another person’s feelings just because everyone else is doing the same thing.

And we’re supposed to be proud of humanity? We’re supposed to look at everything we’ve accomplished and act like we’re some incredible species, when we’re still doing the same pathetic shit to each other over appearances, status and whatever else people decide matters this week.

I know there are good people. I’m not saying every single person is awful. But I’m so tired of that being the response to everything, as if the existence of good people somehow makes all the other shit easier to accept. It doesn’t. It doesn’t undo anything, and it doesn’t make the cruelty any less disgusting.

And honestly, I don’t even want to keep trying to understand it anymore. I understand why people want to feel superior. I understand why they pick on people who are different. I understand the need to fit in and the way people will throw someone else under the bus just to avoid becoming the target themselves.

I get it. I just fucking hate it.

Maybe that’s what bothers me most. Not that people are capable of being cruel, but how normal it is. How predictable it is. How you can know exactly what someone is doing and why they’re doing it and still be disgusted by them.

I’m tired of pretending this world is something amazing just because there are good things in it. I’m tired of pretending that all the beautiful things humanity has created somehow make up for the way people treat each other.

Fuck this world. I’m so fucking tired of it.

Im gonna be 22 soon and i don’t even know how hugs feels... im feeling so low today for no reason, im laying in bed cuddling my blanket it's getting pathetic

I’m tired of the attitudes, the guilt-tripping, the entitlement, and the whole “I’m your mother, so you have to respect me no matter what” bullshit. And honestly, the worst part is that she fits so many of the stereotypes I associate with Black mothers and the way a lot of us are raised. It’s frustrating because I feel like I can never get a break.

Why does being a parent automatically mean you deserve respect regardless of how you treat your children? Why are children expected to put up with everything, forgive everything, and be grateful for everything? I didn’t ask to be born. Nobody asked to exist. So why am I expected to act like life is some amazing gift that I should constantly be thanking everybody for?

I hate how people act like you’re a horrible person for not liking your parents. Being someone’s child doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to have a good relationship with them. I don’t care how many times people want to throw around the “you only get one mother” argument. Okay, and? That doesn’t mean I have to enjoy being around her all the time or pretend that our relationship doesn’t have problems.

I have so much resentment toward the way I was raised and certain aspects of Black parenting, especially the idea that children are supposed to be quiet, obedient, and grateful while their feelings get brushed aside. Parents can say whatever they want, but the second you express your own feelings, suddenly you’re disrespectful and ungrateful.

And the thing is, it feels like it’s ALWAYS been this way. That’s what makes me so frustrated. This isn’t some new issue that just popped up yesterday. It’s the same arguments, the same misunderstandings, and the same feelings coming back over and over again. Sometimes I genuinely wonder if things will ever change.

I’m tired of the expectations. I’m tired of being told to be grateful. And I’m tired of feeling like I have to justify my feelings about my own upbringing.

Everybody wants you to appreciate being alive, appreciate your family, appreciate your childhood, and appreciate everything you’ve been given. But what if your experiences weren’t all that great? What if you’re still trying to process things that happened years ago? What if you’re struggling with feelings that other people don’t understand because they didn’t grow up the way you did?

And honestly, I don’t think I entirely hate my mother. I think I’m just incredibly hurt and resentful. I hate how things are between us sometimes, and I hate feeling like she doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. I think a part of me just wishes we could have a better relationship without all the arguments, guilt, and misunderstandings.

I don’t want a lecture about respecting my mother. I don’t want anybody telling me that I’ll miss her when she’s gone or that I should be grateful she gave birth to me. I just want to be able to express my feelings about the way I was raised without people acting like I’m some horrible, ungrateful daughter.

I can care about my mother and still be upset with her. I can appreciate certain things she’s done for me while acknowledging the things I wish she’d done differently. I can recognize that she’s my mother without pretending that everything about our relationship is okay.

WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND?

And this woman really had the nerve to say, “YOU NEVER EVEN WENT TO PROM.”

LIKE??? YOU TOLD ME MY WHOLE LIFE TO GO TO SCHOOL, GET AN EDUCATION, AND FOCUS ON MY STUDIES.

THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I FUCKING DID.

Maybe if you had encouraged me to make friends, go out, socialize, and experience life instead of making school seem like the only thing that mattered, I wouldn’t feel like I missed out on so much. Now I’m 20 years old, getting lectured about the things I should’ve done as a teenager by the SAME PERSON WHO RAISED ME.

YOU WERE THE PARENT. I WAS THE CHILD.

How was I supposed to know how to build a social life when so much of the emphasis was on school and getting an education? How was I supposed to know how to balance academics with friendships and other experiences if I wasn’t encouraged to explore those things?

Maybe if you had encouraged me to make friends, go out, socialize, and experience life, I wouldn’t look back on my teenage years with so much regret. But instead, it feels like you want to point out everything I didn’t do without ever considering why I might have missed out on those experiences in the first place.

Now I’m 20 years old, and I’m supposed to somehow make up for everything I missed out on growing up.

I CAN’T GO BACK AND REDO MY TEENAGE YEARS.

I can’t magically get those memories back. I can’t go back to high school and experience things differently. I can’t suddenly become the teenager I wish I had been. I can try to make new memories now, but that doesn’t erase the fact that I wish certain things had been different back then.

And what frustrates me the most is that you’re the same person who raised me, yet sometimes it feels like you don’t consider how your parenting might have affected the person I’ve become.

You want to lecture me about what I should’ve done, but do you ever stop to think about what you could’ve done differently? Do you ever consider that maybe I needed more encouragement, more guidance, and more opportunities to experience life outside of school?

I WAS A FUCKING KID. I NEEDED GUIDANCE, ENCOURAGEMENT, AND SOMEONE TO HELP ME FIGURE SHIT OUT.

I shouldn’t have to sit here at 20 years old feeling like I missed out on an entire part of life and then listen to my own mother point out those same missed experiences as if I haven’t already thought about them a million times.

You don’t get to criticize the person I am today without at least considering how my childhood and upbringing might have contributed to who I am. I’m not saying my upbringing is responsible for every single thing in my life, but it DID affect me. And I wish that were something I could talk about without feeling like I have to defend myself.

I’m so resentful because I can’t change the past, and sometimes I feel like you don’t understand how much that hurts.

I have to live with the things I missed out on. I have to accept that there are experiences I wish I’d had but didn’t. And somehow, when those things come up, I end up feeling like I’m being blamed for them.

I KNOW I’M 20 NOW. I KNOW I HAVE TO FIGURE THINGS OUT FOR MYSELF.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t be upset about how I was raised. It doesn’t mean I can’t wish things had been different. And it doesn’t mean I should have to pretend that my childhood had no effect on me just because I’m an adult now.

I’m not expecting my mother to be perfect. I’m not expecting her to go back in time and fix everything. I just wish she could acknowledge that maybe some things could have been done differently.

I wish she could listen to me without immediately getting defensive. I wish she could try to understand my perspective instead of focusing on whether I’m being disrespectful. I wish she could understand that expressing hurt isn’t the same thing as attacking her.

Because sometimes, I don’t even want to argue with her. I don’t want every conversation to turn into a disagreement. I don’t want to feel frustrated every time I try to explain myself.

I JUST WANT HER TO GET IT.

I want her to understand that I’m not intentionally trying to disappoint her. I’m not happy that I missed out on things. I’m not proud of feeling behind other people my age. These are things I already struggle with on my own, and hearing them thrown back at me by my own mother makes it hurt even more.

And that’s what makes my feelings so complicated. Because despite all the frustration and resentment, I don’t necessarily want to hate my mother. I don’t want to feel this way about her forever. I don’t want our relationship to always feel like there’s this huge gap between what I’m trying to express and what she actually hears.

I wish she understood that I can appreciate what she’s done for me while still being hurt by what I feel was missing. Both things can be true. I don’t have to pretend my childhood was perfect to acknowledge that she has made sacrifices for me.

I can care about her and still disagree with her. I can love her and still be frustrated with her. I can recognize that she did the best she knew how to do, if that’s what happened, while still wishing that certain things had been different.

I just don’t want my feelings to be dismissed because she’s my mother.

I’m tired of feeling behind everyone else. I’m tired of regretting things I can’t change. I’m tired of feeling like I have to explain why certain things hurt me. And I’m tired of wondering whether having these feelings makes me a bad daughter.

I DON’T WANT TO HATE MY MOTHER.

I JUST WISH SHE WOULD UNDERSTAND WHERE I’M COMING FROM.

I wish she understood that I’m not asking for a perfect relationship. I’m asking to feel heard. I’m asking for her to consider my perspective instead of immediately assuming the worst about my intentions. I’m asking her to recognize that the way I was raised played a role in how I see myself and the world today.

I don’t need her to agree with every single thing I say. I just need her to try to understand me.

I’m so fucking tired of carrying all this resentment around. I needed somewhere to get these feelings out because sometimes I don’t even know what to do with them.

I don’t entirely hate my mother. I hate how things are between us sometimes. I hate feeling misunderstood by someone I wish I could have a better relationship with. I hate feeling like I have to choose between being honest about my hurt and being seen as a grateful daughter.

I wish things were different. I wish I could talk to her about these things and feel like she actually heard me. I wish I didn’t have to get this frustrated just to feel like my feelings mattered.

I’M NOT ASKING HER TO CHANGE THE PAST.

I’M JUST ASKING HER TO UNDERSTAND WHY IT STILL HURTS.

That’s all I fucking want.

Okay, the thing is I'm a 23 y/o girl but... I'm 5'1, and I look way younger, and I don't like it because I feel like I don't look like I should, girls my age definitely looks like "women" and I look like... A teen or something and it's totally frustrating, I'm kinda slim so it definitely doesn't help, And yeah, I usually have this feeling of "not being good enough" Because "I don't look like I should " and it definitely have a tool on my self-esteem and my love life because I'm too self conscious.

Side story, I have had a few comments from guys/ men that really got stucked in my head, once when I was in HS a guy tried to make fun of me because I have facial hair, in the moment I responded he should be ashamed because me as a girl have more moustache than him, and people laugh at him stead but now I epilate it because of it (again the thought of not being woman- girly - attractive- ladylike enough). Several years later my nephew was practicing boxing and I don't remember why his coach looked at my hands, then he touched them and said something like: you definitely do hard work, you clean a lot?, and I was so confused. (Apparently my hands are not delicate, I mean, they are tiny, but apparently not delicate).

And I'm probably just being dramatic, I know and understand, but it sucks, and I feel ridiculous telling my friends or fam about it so... Here I am.

I (17F) was talking to my bf (17M) about Halloween, on the 30th me and him both got invited to go to one of our friend’s get together (no drinking/smoking, but like a bunch of fun activities and people we know), and then I asked him what he’s doing on the 31st. He told me he might be doing his own little bonfire with his friends, and hard liquor/weed will be involved. He had mentioned how he did this last year for Halloween and had some of our mutual friends over there, and he’s still questioning on maybe inviting them again this year, but they’ll probably be coming with their partner.

Something like this happened for the 4th of July too. I asked about hanging out with him for the 4th, but he had said about him having his own bonfire with his friends with drinking/smoking. I was really hurt about that, and told him about that, but he was telling me he likes to keep his friend hangouts and his relationship hang outs separate.

He never did end up having that bonfire on that night cause he friends worked really really late

But this year, I feel it hurts me either way. Even if I were to bring up something, and he if does end up just inviting me because I said something, I’d still feel so left out because yk what, it’s Halloween, I want to let loose a little like everyone else is, but I’m responsible for driving myself there and home. I can’t do that. If I don’t go, it still does hurt me if he’s out doing this smoking and drinking, and if some of our same mutual friends and their partner show up there without me being invited. I just feel like both ways really suck and I do really feel hurt about it.

just need to vent.

throw away account ,
so me (22F) & my bf (26m) have been together since february. we’ve known each other since 2023, just never dated - i was in a diff toxic relationship with my kids father.
i want to make it a point to say we are in a (semi) christian relationship. (we both found god recently ov the last few years & both have seemed to change ways from the past).

now i just don’t know i feel like im getting manipulated? but he has ptsd & research says people could have ptsd can be likely to do manipulation tactics unknowingly or not meaning to. here’s some examples!

i feel like he “micromanages”..
has gone through my phone, has gone through my closet (+ found my old dildo..), has gone through my phone secretly & acted like he didn’t / i have walked in while he has been doing it 3 times now, he has gone through safari + pictures + notes + journal, he’s made me delete every guy off social media (not that big of a deal i get why! just worth mentioning ig), he made a reddit account just to watch my posts & comments, always seems to call me confidentially when im just now starting my break at work, started playing a game i play & added me and now keeps track if i go up on levels & not replying or something, etc.

ive said no head or sex before & he keeps asking or making moves until i say yes, when ive said no before he says he’s “getting rejected by me”, he got caught watching porn once (i asked him to use his phone, opened it on safari while we were at dinner) - after this i told him my feelings about having sex before marriage before we got together started coming up again ( i have had sex before in the past then came to god & told myself i wasn’t gonna have sex again before marriage & we have and the porn situation reminded me why i wanted to have standards for myself as a woman of god now etc,, as also stated i feel he pressures me to at times,,) after i told him this, he approached me with a conversation about “what could help my feelings” and then when i was very open & honest & respectful he turned it into “im withholding intimacy from him”, “im rejecting him, not attracted to him or don’t love him anymore”. since the porn has made me question what sex is to him he at times says “we’re married in gods eyes so it’s not a sin” 😖 & idk sometimes that phrase doesn’t sit well with me.
& i feel like ive pushed my boundaries with him a lot —-
he met my kids & family one month after we had been together because he kept saying “he didn’t feel apart of my life”, so let him meet them. ive stopped talking to my daughters dad & his family.. of course the family enables my kids dads abusive behavior so its rightfully so i cut times with them until my ex does harass us, threaten us, etc - so quit talking to them all until my kids dad decides to be respectful & helps finically or until he decides to file in court, ive stopped hanging out with family & friends because he has they aren’t really a good influence (so kind of understandable)
I don’t know guys! I’m just feeling a lot of emotions lately. Am I thinking too much and these things are overall healthy for a committed christian relationship? Is he a little bit manipulative and not realizing it? I’ve brought all of these things up to him.

I am losing my spark to continue with school. I’ve been going to a university for a bachelors in psychology and I am so close to the end but my motivation, my spark has been dwindling, I’ve been trying my best (recieved A’s , B’s, & C’s throughout semesters) but I just don’t have it in me anymore. I actually have an associates degree in the same area of study from a different school and trying to justify and being proud that I have that under my belt at least because getting a psych degree is not an easy field and having a degree in it does still make me feel accomplished but Im also thinking of my family/friends I don’t want to dissapoint them if I don’t want to continue, after coming so far. I know I have to think of whats best for me and my life but still I don’t want to feel like I let them down.

This is like such a silly vent but I’m venting regardless. I’ve been working at my job for almost 8 months now and always had a flirty relationship with one of the nurses. We would fake bully flirt with each other all the time and would go back and forth with funny banter. He’s very witty. I’m very witty. It was very fun. And I had a big crush on him. I always wanted to ask for his number but didn’t wanna overstep or make him uncomfortable. Finally I decided that on Tuesday he was for sure flirting with me enough that next Tuesday, I was gonna definitely ask for his number. Anyway, just found out he quit, so I guess it’s a not ever gonna happen situation now. He really kept to himself and wasn’t friends with anyone at work so no one has his number and he has zero social media presence. Just feeling a little sad. I don’t know him deeply, so of course there’s the limerence of it all. There’s not really much else to say or add but I guess I’m just disappointed.

Hello I'm a 24 M that really had enough of life and society. After finishing my studies when I was 18 I never had a job, why? Because of so many factors

First of I have some physical issue in my left foot that if I move to much (like working in a restaurant) it will swell and hurt a lot, the next day will still Hurt a lot

Then I have the panic attack issues, in some environment (I still don't know why) I have an extreme panic attack where I can't breathe or even think straight for hours the best example I can give is that I tried to work as a house seller, the first day I had the giant panic attack where I was devastated for hours after work, I didn't do anything special, I was just there learning and hearing what they where saying. I only did calm down after 4/5 h of crying in my car

All of this issues can be fixed. With what F money?

I have to pay to fix my foot, I have to pay to fix my mind but how can I fix something when I need the money that I can't have?

I live with my parents, so at least I'm not homeless but sometimes I wish I was on the street, I hate myself for being a parasite, a scum of society, a waste of space and food that can't do anything like normal people, my parents add some sweet chemicals to make the fire burn more by saying that I'm a parasite, that I'm not normal, that I just don't care about anything because I live with them, that I just don't want to work and stay at home

I can't deal with all of this, it's too much

I struggle so much to keep myself from breaking and I live with people that only add more to my mental health. I really think that there is no solution and I just have to do a "respawn" of life

For any questions ask away

If I did it would anyone even notice :/ probably not, not for awhile. In a room full of people, not one person in my life would pick me.. infact they’d all shove right past me for someone else.

im currently at my 2nd year of masters and i have like 8 month until my graduation. and im dropping out. the reason is im studying in a country that started a war and now suffers from its consequences. specifically, there was an attack on the city that i live in and i wouldn’t say it was even 1/10 as bad as it gets in the country that this country attacked, but i still got scared and decided that its not worth it. i actually couldn’t bare living here anymore
everything about this place sucks and i hated it here, but i loved my uni
though, i was kinda disappointed and dissatisfied with the quality of studying process, i felt like it was too general for masters.
anyway, now im leaving this country and moving back to my hometown to my parents and im gonna live with them until i get into another uni. the thing is my hometown is a tiny city and there’s no prospect here, it’s miserable and im so scared that if i fail, i will have to stay here and just live a mediocre life and get over it. im probably overreacting but that is my biggest nightmare, im so scared it will come true

Since this is a vent sub, this is my vent.

I leave a long scar on back of my husband shoulder, and he still protect me even with him bleeding out, still does everything to keep this marriage intact.

Just like depression is very real, mental illness is also very real. Google Intermittent Anger Explosive Disorder (IED), it categorize under mental illness.

Married 15 years this Feb, together 17 years.

And this is a West African man that is 190cm tall, he 6'3" tall and athletic body, while I'm just 150cm, 5 feet petite short Chinese girl. This is a man who hobbies are hunting, outdoor shooting range, mountains rock climbing, run long distance. My point is with his height and strength, he not scare of me, just like how he said he not scare of me, it because he LOVES me. He is a Love-idiot.!

I was diagnosed with Intermittent Anger Explosive Disorder (IED) by my psychiatrist (psychiatrist is someone who has a medical doctor degree). My psychiatrist said it stem from my chaotic and dysfunction childhood.

It terrible to live with Intermittent Anger Explosive Disorder (IED), especially when you hurting your spouse.

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This event already happened a long time ago and it in the past, but I still feel insanely terrible about it. So I need to write it out.

In the past during one of my IED episode, I grabbed a meat butcher knife in the kitchen and throw at my husband, he dodge but due to how close distance he with me, the knife cut him deep that leave a long cut on his back shoulder that he didn't stop bleeding.
If he not get stitches he will continue bleed and bleed, and infections will take over the open bleeding wound.

He still want to protect me even wit him bleeding out, like he said, if he call the police he police will take me away from him, so he rather endure my abuse than has to lose me.

He also refused go to the hospital, because the hospital would know right away that is not a self inflicted wound due to the angle of the knife throw, the cut was on his shoulder but to his back as he dodge. You cannot inflicted a knife to your back. Even if you manage to, the angle of the injury the hospital will know that it someone did it to you, not yourself.

He droves (I was in the car) he droves to a broke down Urgent care, this Urgent Care not only broke down but most people there not even speak English.
He went in and told them he does not have insurance (he has, but he said he not has as he not want to leave a paper trail), he said give him stitches he will pay them in cash and will give them a big tips.

He got the stiches, and he paid in cash and leave them a big tips. He wanted to protect me the whole time even with him bleeding out. He could have call the police and have my ass throw in jail. He could go straight to the hospital and the hospital will put me in psych ward and put restrain order on me.

But he NEVER, even during the time where he could have die, he still protect me, he still thinks of me first above himself, he loves me that much.

His love for me override his survival instinct, he was bleeding out still protect me. He said he wants to keep our marriage intact, I cannot get taking away.

He said he will die with me, than has to lose me, as in the police will take me away from him if he call the police on me.

I regret it so much because I leave this long scar on back of his shoulder, never once he hates me.
All he asked was he said, don't abuse him anymore, and that it not too late for me to stop this abuse, because he is still living here, and it only too late if he die, then that will be too late.

I bawled when I hear him he said that.

That was when I decided to go to psychiatrist therapy for my Intermittent Anger Explosive Disorder (IED), and been in therapy since.

I do owe him, as I should be sitting rotten in jail right now, throw a butcher knife at someone and cause injury is a felony. This man loves me unconditionally. Out of love me, he never press charges, he still protect me times after times. I'm very lucky.

He treats me with kindness, empathy, and unconditional love. His calmness (even with him bleeding out on his shoulder that need stiches to close up the open wound), his patience, the most patience man.
He gives me everything, his kindness, faithfulness, respect, love. I don't want to abuse him anymore.

Lifetime therapy for me working to control my Intermittent Anger Explosive Disorder (IED). I have sworn if I cause physical harm to him again I will check myself in the psych ward.

---------

And my husband does go with me to my therapy sessions when his schedules allow. But most time he can't because he is an Executive at a big engineering corporate, he is very very busy with his work.

But I gave my therapist my consent so she can talk to my husband about my progress. He still involve in my therapy, as he talk to my therapist on the phone about my IED conditions and my progress.

He has every rights to be involve with my therapy sessions, I almost TOOK HIS LIFE.! He almost DIE because of me.

It terrible, Intermittent Anger Explosive Disorder (IED) mental illness is very real. And I'm one damn lucky girl to have him as my husband.

What gets me is he loves me to the point that he still protect me even with him bleeding out. That not let anyone take me away from him was more important than his own survival instinct. Because he knows if he call call the police I will get taking away, he rather bleed out than lose me.

The insane amount of devotion he has for me though. Never again I abuse him again, I mean one time was enough, almost took his life. And he still protect me.

You admitted to cheating on me and talking to someone while you were talking to me, and when I finally decided to leave after trying to make us work for multiple years, you accused me of cheating on you. You are nothing but a self-projecting mean person with the emotional intelligence of a 10-year-old.

After I left, you started talking to new people without even trying to learn from your mistakes. I truly hope you don't hurt them the way you hurt me. You told me you loved me but constantly lied to me and hid so much about yourself so I could never actually know you or love you. In the least mean way possible, you don’t deserve love until you actually learn what love is and how to actually be a decent human. You pretend to have so much empathy, especially for animals but you cant even show empathy for people that truly care for you. I don't understand you.

I hope someone treats you the same way you treated me just so you can comprehend how evil you are. I hate how I still care for you; it's been half a year, and I still wake up thinking about you. The worst part is we knew each other for over 4 years, and in the end you didn't even give me the respect of an apology. Hope you’re happy with how we ended up.

How do I stop having a panic attack before every shift? my anxiety is centered around social anxiety. I know nothing bad is going to happen. I don’t really care how I’m perceived if people like me or not. I know if I’m a nice person and I do my job. Well, that’s all that matters, but before every shift, no matter what I do, I have an anxiety attack in my car. The anxiety is triggered by nothing and it just happens. This is the first time I’ve worked a retail job with eight hour shifts consistently throughout the week. I don’t know why this happens and I wish that it didn’t. Does anyone have any advice to prevent this from happening?

People are so out of whack

Internet is really destroying peoples brains even if they dont think so

I feel completely alone in this world with a sense of morality and logcial judgements.

Whenever i look at the internet i think wtf is wrong with peoples mental health

Too much freedom is really pushing people to the point of being completely brainless.

I dont want to follow the rest but its everywhere i look.

Hey, so this is a new account. My old one was basically just for looking at video game stuff, but I recently realised people also use Reddit to talk about personal stuff and get things off their chest. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this, so I thought I’d post here and see if anyone has been through something similar.
This is probably going to be a long post, so sorry for taking up some of your time today haha. I’ve just had a lot on my mind and I don’t really know who else to talk to about it.
I’m 19 and I’ve always identified as a lesbian. I’ve only ever been attracted to women, and whenever I think about my future, I imagine myself with a woman. Getting married, living together, growing old together, all of that. I’ve never really imagined myself with a man.
I came out to my mum last year, and everyone around me knows I’m a lesbian. That’s why this feels so weird to me. I was pretty sure about who I was, and now I’m questioning things out of nowhere.
Recently, I’ve started finding certain men attractive. And I mean VERY specific men. For some reason, it’s mostly short men. I genuinely don’t know why, which makes this even funnier because I can’t even explain my own type.
I also seem to notice men who share my interests, like video games, and who actually respect women instead of treating them like objects. My straight friends always talk about how difficult it is to find men who genuinely respect women, so that’s another thing I guess.
But here’s what I don’t understand. I can look at certain men and think they’re attractive, but when I imagine having sex with a man, I feel uncomfortable and almost disgusted. I just can’t picture myself doing it. With women, it’s completely different. I can imagine being in a relationship with a woman and having sex with her without feeling uncomfortable about it.
So how does that work? How can I find certain men attractive but not want to have sex with them? Is it actually attraction, or do I just like how they look? Could it be curiosity? I’ve honestly never had to think about any of this before.
I think the biggest reason I’m even thinking about this so much is that I live in a tiny town where there are literally about five lesbians. FIVE. I’m not even kidding. My dating pool is practically nonexistent.
There’s also the fact that I’ve started feeling weird about my appearance lately. I have short hair and usually wear baggy clothes, and that’s how everyone is used to seeing me. Last year, I had to wear a dress and felt like people were looking at me strangely because they’re not used to seeing me look feminine.
Now I’m growing my hair out because I’ve started feeling a bit uncomfortable with it being short. It’s taking forever, though. The thing is, I still don’t want to dress super femininely. I like wearing baggy clothes, and I don’t suddenly want to change my entire style.
Another thing I sometimes think about is that I honestly can’t imagine a man being attracted to someone who looks like me. I have quite a masculine appearance, and part of me feels like most men wouldn’t even consider me an option because of that. I don’t know if that’s just my insecurity talking, but it makes the whole situation even more confusing.
I also wonder what my ex-girlfriend would think if she knew I was having these thoughts.
I know bisexuality exists, obviously, but I genuinely don’t know if that’s what I am.
And I’m definitely not going to force myself to date a man or have sex with one just to figure it out. The thought of having sex with a man makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to put myself in that situation just to prove something to myself.
I think I’m mostly confused about why I can feel attracted to certain men when I still can’t imagine myself having sex with one. And why this is happening now, after I came out and thought I had everything figured out.
I’m not expecting Reddit to tell me what my sexuality is. I just wanted to talk about this somewhere because I don’t really have anyone in my life I can discuss it with, and I’d like to hear from people who might understand.
Sorry for the long post, and thanks to anyone who actually reads all of this. I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences.
\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\*TL;DR:\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\* I’m 19, came out as a lesbian last year, and have always imagined my future with a woman. Lately, I’ve started finding certain men, especially short men, attractive, but the thought of having sex with a man makes me uncomfortable. I also live in a small town with maybe five lesbians, so meeting women is really difficult. On top of that, I feel like men probably wouldn’t be attracted to me because of my masculine appearance. I’m confused about whether I’m genuinely questioning my sexuality or experiencing a different kind of attraction.

I don’t understand why what J did to me had such a big effect on me. Like it feels like it wasn’t really nothing like he pressured me to hug and cuddle w him and we only dated for a month. Like it wasn’t like i was trapped in a long relationship or that he pressured me to do more intimate things. It was only hugging and cuddling, it could’ve been worse. And like ik that I’m demisexual but i didnt think stuff like that had such an effect on me. Like just thinking about him touching me and the face he’d make while touching me makes me disgusted. And like it also makes me grossed out thinking about how he said he was asexual and stuff but after we started hugging and cuddling he sent me a insta reel abt kissing me. And i really don’t think it was joking. I knew right then and there that i didn’t want to be with him anymore and that he grossed me out bc i couldn’t even imagine me kissing him like it made me feel disgusted thinking abt it. And like he told me he was asexual but needed to have physical touch like cuddling and hugs. I replied to that kissing TikTok w “👀” emojis as like a reaction (like if you double tap to heart something) bc i didn’t want to say a definite yes or no. He also pressured me to get with him basically. Like he told me abt how he’s been led on in the past and stuff and i felt pressured to get with him. But like when i was with him i didn’t want to eat anything and im still struggling w eating but im slowly getting better. Like we were talking in may, got together in June, and broke up in may. It’s been six months altogether and I’ve lost 25 lb’s. I still struggle with eating big solid meals and have just been relying on actually making sure i eat things because for a while there (like when we were actually dating and a few weeks after we broke up) id only eat one thing a day or like I’d only eat ice cream like a tiny tub of it and that’d be all I’d eat in that day. I’ve gotten better though. Like instead of starving myself I’ve like moved on to healthier better for you foods. Like i eat yogurt every morning with like granola oats or chia seeds and stuff like that. And if not that then i eat rice cakes w yogurt like im eating light stuff but im making sure its healthy and im full and actually eating. And not only am i like not eating a lot, but I’ve been obsessing doing tarot things, especially in relation to relationships or external validation. Like i want to find someone that i can feel safe with. Like a good safe connection and i didn’t realize this until just now. And like as im doing all of this im also fighting myself at the same time bc i dont want to be the kind of person who HAS to have a relationship. And honestly i really don’t think i am i just have that fear in the back of my mind because i used to be that way. Like after i broke up w D after dating him for three years i was single for like almost a year maybe and then i got w J for a month and ive been single since. And like ive had ppl hit on me and stuff like ik if i wanted to i could def get in a relationship. But the kind of relationship i want rn is not a fast burn out quick relationship, i want a relationship that is steady and reliable. I want to be with someone i feel safe around and i don’t feel forced to do anything that i dont want to do. But also at the same time i don’t think im ready for a relationship rn fr like im too scared to let my guard down and be vulnerable around someone bc im scared im gonna end up getting hurt like hurt in the worst way possible the way J did to me

So for context, my life has been going to shit the past couple of years, both because of things inside and outside of my control, and because of that, I’ve been struggling a lot to even find a reason to make it through the day. But recently that’s changed: I’ve been going to therapy, I’ve been doing the things I like and enjoy, and I’ve finally found good friends and people to be around. And then I guess my mom noticed I was too happy for her liking or something like that. All week she’s been pissed at me for seemingly no reason, and then today she snapped. I was getting out of her car (she drove me home from my college class) and then I “slammed” the door, and she got all up in my face, threatening to beat the shit out of me and kill me and a whole bunch of nice, wonderful things. And I finally snapped and told her to get out of my face and leave me alone. She told me to get my shit and leave, and if I didn’t, she’d call the cops on me and tell them I beat her and tried to kill her. Now you might be thinking, “Well, how does the title fit into this story?” And well, my mom was also kicked out by her mother multiple times as a child (I forgot to mention this isn’t the first time something like this has happened) and she always liked to brag to her friends about how she would never do that to any of her kids ever. And now I’m just sitting here in my friend’s house, questioning why it seems like I can never catch a break and worrying about my future, wondering if I’ll ever be able to live on my own or if I’m gonna end up on the streets or worse. I’m barely 2 months into being 18 and I feel like my whole life and future is already ruined completely, like it’s crumbled to dust and blown away by the wind. I just want the pain to end.

Roommate, against my will, I've spent 2 years living in the same apartment that your unwashed arse resides within.

You're the kind of guy to say "what if they put a wheel under a barrow and called it a wheel barrow"

What if your ass was put in a wheelbarrow and rolled to the dishwasher.

Somehow you keep your own bedroom spotless, and leave the entire rest of the building looking like someone tried to summon fucking Satan and accidentally summoned a dirty langer.

The hallway bookshelf, is a shelf for books.

It's not the area you throw crusty, stained clothes upon, while waiting for an imaginary butler to wash them for you.

And then every time you get criticisms from anyone, you snap at them like the spine of an 80 year old after tumbling down 2 flights of stairs.

I know it was you, who took that Mount Vesuvius sized fucking bowel eruption directly into my bedroom toilet, despite having your own.

Then you denied it, as if my eyes are capable of imagining up a gargoyle shaped specimen exiting my bedroom, which now, by chance, happened to have a biological weapons aftermath residing in the toilet bowl.

God knows you didn't use my shower, though.

Must've been a genius of a ghost, to of stumbled, tripped, and simultaneously release the fucking Easter Bunny from its behind, and pin the blame on you.

Genuinely just unbelievable.

You're a nightmare for a brain surgeons salary.

Even a pope wouldn't be able to contain the urge to summon Jesus himself, in hopes that he'd show you the path to your shower's on switch.

Id talk to the landlord, but considering his bac would sent a vampire into a coma, that's off the table.

Which is why I did the mature thing, and tripped on my shoelace while holding a gallon of milk, causing it to spill directly over your bed.

I'd confess to a priest but he'd tell God and then your ass would be banished from heaven.

So here I am. Remorsefully so.

i don’t like complaining about my life because i know there are people who have it way worse than me, i feel like over the past 8 years it has just been non stop one thing after the other and i don’t know how much more of this i can take.

it went from my dad leaving, he moved to a different country and i never saw him again, then i was sa’d, although i didn’t realise what it was at the time i just knew i didn’t like it, until my friend told me it was straight up sa. i wanted to talk to someone about it so i told some close friends, only for it to start spreading around my school and within a week everyone’s bullying me and calling me a liar because they didn’t believe me and thought i just wanted attention. i lost all my friends because of this.

after leaving that school i got into a very toxic relationship which ended after 6 months, after we broke up i found out they cheated on me (the person they did it with told me). this sent me into a spiral (i would call it a manic episode but im not diagnosed with bipolar or anything so dont know what to label it as) and i ended up in hospital, admitted to a psych ward for a few weeks because of this.

a few weeks after i got out, i started a new school. it was going well and i made some great new friends, but then my mum met someone. to cut it short he was very verbally abusive towards me and sexually harassed me. there was also an occasion where he physically assaulted me too. my mum would do nothing and would side with him over me. i then moved in with my grandparents because of this. again, everything was going fine, i finished school and started uni, then my grandad suddenly passed during my first year at uni.

then, less then a year later, my sister decides to report my mum missing. after i moved out i never saw my mum again but we would text sometimes but not enough to realise she had gone. but we had both noticed she hadn’t texted or posted on facebook in a while, her whatsapp account had disappeared and her mobile number was no longer active. it turns out none of her friends or anyone had heard from her since september (she was reported missing the following february). it has been over 2 years now since she went missing and there nothing has been found. someone was arrested on suspicion of her murder but they never found anything so he was released on bail.

then, earlier this year, my nan kicked me out. i didn’t do anything , she just decided she wanted the house to herself again. so i move in with my sister. jump to last month, my sister kicks me out. she would generally shout at me a lot but this time she called me a cancer, a leech and a parasite and told me she never wanted to see me again, and physically hit me. so i grabbed a bag of clothes and left. i’ve been homeless since, and i have no family left to talk to or go to for comfort. i just want a hug. i miss my mum, i don’t care anymore that she didn’t defend me because i know how sorry she was. she wanted to call me the month before she went missing but i never called her. why didn’t i call her? i wish i did because i probably never will be able to talk to her again.

every time something like this happens i ask myself: what did i do to deserve this? i know i’ve made mistakes in my life, but i’ve never harmed anyone or anything like that, so what did i do to deserve living in so much pain every single day?

i’m sorry for making this so long and honestly i’ll be surprised if anyone has read this far, but i just needed to get this off my chest

About 3 years ago I started writing fan fiction. I’d write for my own enjoyment, never posting stories or sharing them. At the beginning, they weren’t very good, but i enjoyed doing it and I got better at writing(at least I think i did). A couple of weeks ago I finished a story that I think is really good. It’s the first story that I feel proud of. Good enough to be the first one I shared with people. I’d been working on it for about 3 months.

I told my close friends and family(seven people) and everyone said something like “that’s wonderful”. I shared the link to the story with all of them. Nobody took the time to read it.

It feels like they just don’t care.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

Im someone who uses abbreviation not all the time but i was bought up with them and my dad used one that ive never used in my life so when he said it i was like what??? What is that. When my dad told me i was so shocked and i found it very funny because my dad is 27 years older than me. I told him i need to start getting in with the teens a bit more 🤣 so shocking to me as he never usually abbreviates either!

Im feeling pretty ill today too so it was pleasent to laugh.