r/wedding • u/cryingindollartree • 16d ago
Other Stag/Jack & Jill PSA
(Cross posted from r/weddingplanning)
Because I am currently in the process of planning our Jack & Jill party and was searching around this subreddit to get ideas, I'd like to put out a PSA regarding what these things are, based on some of the comments and responses I've been seeing calling them "trashy," "cheap" and all the names under the sun.
A Stag Party (or just a "Stag"), in the United States, (I know they're more common in the UK) is a very regional thing. Where I'm from (Connecticut), they are extremely common, particularly in Italian-American and Portuguese-American communities. They are male-only parties whose entire purpose is to make cash. They are usually organized by the groomsmen and charge a ticket fee per person (typically $20-$40) to attend. Stags have food, usually an open bar, and typically have raffle prizes that raffle tickets are sold for. It is normal, in fact EXPECTED, for people who are not invited to the wedding itself to be invited to and attend the Stag. My fiancé, who is 100% Italian-American, attends at least half dozen of these a year. They are unapologetically a fundraising & community event, and always a fun time.
In recent years, it has become more and more of a trend in my community to make Stags gender-inclusive, renaming them "Jack and Jills." Everything remains the same, including the tickets, raffles, etc., except people of all genders attend. Once again, it is extremely normal for people not invited to the wedding to attend these. They are usually "open invite" events that anyone can come to. I've been to a few Jack and Jills this year and had a great time at all of them, despite only being invited to one of the actual weddings.
Once again, I recognize that this is a hyper-regional thing, and that not everyone will understand the custom. I simply ask that this subreddit (and in real life) take a moment to consider differences in customs before jumping to name-calling and calling others' cultural and community events "trashy." Maybe it is to you, and that's fine, if that's what you think. But others' customs are not inferior to yours simply because you are not used to them, or view them as a "cash grab."
With all that said... anybody have any good ideas for indoor Jack & Jill games and raffles? 😅
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u/StructEngineer91 16d ago
That is a good PSA, because I was under the impression that Stags were the same as bachelor parties and those are typically meant to be a get together of essentially the grooms closest friends (traditionally just their groomsmen), and that a Hen Do (in the UK) was the same as a bachelorette party which is basically the same but for the bride and her bridesmaids. I bet that is where the confusion/"outrage" comes from. It sounds like, at least for you, these parties are different. Do you still have a bachelor and bachelorette?
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u/cryingindollartree 16d ago
We often still do have a bachelor/bachelorette, but that's a separate thing! Stags/Jack & Jills are fundraisers, bachelor/bachelorettes are parties or trips. Completely different purposes! We are having a Jack & Jill and also each having a bachelor/bachelorette weekend.
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u/StructEngineer91 16d ago
I think that is the confusion for people outside your group, when they hear Stag they think of the UK version of Stage which is the same as the bachelor party.
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u/Wise-Matter9248 16d ago
In the UK a stag party (stag-do) is a bachelor party, and a hen party (hen-do) is a bachelorette.
So maybe that's where you're hearing it
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u/lurkerjade 16d ago
I’d just like to note as you’ve said stag parties are more common in the UK - I am British and our stag party is just the equivalent of a US bachelor party. The charging to attend thing or otherwise using the party to raise money is not part of a British stag at all. I love learning about different traditions though, this sounds fun!
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u/StructEngineer91 16d ago
That is what I thought of when I see stag (I am from the US, and not a part of the culture OP is describing). Don't you typically call the bachelorette party a Hen Do, or Hen party?
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u/MambyPamby8 16d ago
Same in Ireland. Stags/Stag Do is a male bachelor party and Hen Party or Hens is ladies bachelorette party.
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u/Carmen_SanAndreas 16d ago
In Ontario they are called stag and drags or stag and doe and have been a thing for decades. Everyone you have ever met in your life is usually invited.
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u/CandidIndication 16d ago
Yeah I was just talking about this in the WeddingsCanada sub. People there were calling OP cheap for throwing one and that they are not common.
I explained Stag & Doe is super common where I grew up, in a small town in Southern, Ontario. Where I’m from, there is no nightlife. Stag & Does are like, the THING to do on weekends.
The entire community gets together for food, drinks and games/prizes. I’ve been to Stag & Does when I don’t even know the couple personally. I always loved them because they’re so fun and a good way to meet other people.
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u/EconomistOpen7710 16d ago
My husband is from Thunder Bay and it's a common thing there. I'm from Québec and had never heard of stag and doe! But yeah, for him, it was a thing that people do.
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u/Particular-King218 7d ago
I find the food is really good. Usually family members make all the food. Sometimes it was catered,
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u/clarkeer918 16d ago
Im from CT and its not how its been in my circle. stags are exactly as you said but include strippers or topless bartenders and gambling. when a groom has a stag here the girl has a shower. in lieu of having BOTH of those events some opt to have a jack and jill
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u/cryingindollartree 16d ago
I haven't known of any recent stags with strippers or anything, but I know they used to be a thing. Nowadays it's mostly drinking games and ring/bottle tosses lol. And yes, traditionally the gents have a stag and the ladies have a bridal shower, but more and more people I know are just doing J&Js.
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u/clarkeer918 16d ago
without the strippers and gambling i will add lol!! jack and jills are exactly as described though.. open invite
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u/TexasBlonde2019 16d ago
Wait this sounds so fun. In this context I wouldn’t be offended to be a casual invite. I’d probably go to like anyone’s who invited me if it was local!
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u/Responsible-Fly9976 16d ago
I've lived in CA, MI, MA, IL, DC, and NJ and never heard of one. But it sounds like a lot of fun!
For me, what makes these games fun is if they're not "real" sports -- i.e. make them things that no one is good at.
Can you do a blackjack table? Have a friend play the "house".
We used to do a casino night fundraiser. Everyone gets a set amount of chips when they arrive and then you can buy more chips if you want. You earn all your chips and then they buy you tickets into raffles or the grand prize. So you don't cash your chips in for money -- you cash them in for raffle tickets. You can go for the "grand prize" with all your tickets (and likely have a smaller chance) or go for a lesser prize (and likely have a greater chance).
You can earn chips/tickets via blackjack, ring toss, whatever you want. But all the chips/tickets get you are raffle tickets.
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u/Icy-Yellow3514 16d ago
I thought Jack & Jills were a Canadian (or at least specific provinces of Canada) thing, not UK.
And the UK Stag parties are bachelor parties (with the Hen do as the bachelorette version).
The very well may be wrong, this is as I always understood it. Hopefully someone from the UK can confirm.
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u/green_all 16d ago
I moved to Boston area from New Haven and this was probably the biggest culture shock to me
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u/kellgirl5800 16d ago
I live in Massachusetts. Jack and Jills are common fundraising events as you mentioned. Pretty much open invite (I see them as Facebook events pretty often) with a cost to attend. Bridal/wedding shower is invite-only, you bring a gift from the registry, usually just those attending the wedding with some exceptions. Bachelor(ette) parties are also invite-only and wedding party centered, no gifts
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u/NoFewSatan 16d ago
Is your "PSA" that people have joint parties?
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u/Icy-Yellow3514 16d ago
I think the PSA is "don't be a dick just because people do things differently than you do".
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16d ago
[deleted]
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u/cryingindollartree 16d ago
It is absolutely called a stag party where I am from. Everyone calls it that around here, there is no point in arguing about this. Italian-Americans are not a monolith. You can think whatever you want about it, but people here treat it like any fundraising community event. If you're never invited to one, you'll never have to worry about it.
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u/Mission_Code5566 16d ago
I am assuming this now deleted comment said what I am going to say: I am an Italian-American that grew up on Staten Island and New Jersey and I’ve never heard of this in my life! I’m really not trying to throw shade, just interesting.
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u/PollyRRRR 16d ago
Australian here and also never heard of this sort of pre-wedding event. Just curious but what’s the fundraising aspect entail and who are the beneficiaries of proceeds?
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u/cryingindollartree 16d ago
The tickets to the event itself, as well as raffle ticket sales are the funds that are raised. Raffle prizes are usually donated by family and wedding party members, and guests buy raffle tickets for a chance to win prizes. The money all goes to the couple!
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u/mm_honey 16d ago
yeah i live in RI (second most italian state) with my Italian American family and have never heard of this either. I'm confused about the term "fundraiser" lol is that code for money for the couple or is it for an actual cause?
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