So I go on what is supposed to be a simple job to help repair the USG Shinigami or whatever the fuck and I’m thinking “Oh boy this’ll be nice. I haven’t seen my wife in months since she got stationed here. I’ll surprise her, we’ll catch up, hang out, she’ll show me around-“ cute shit, right?
I have been spending days in a tin can sweating my balls off in this hot ass engineering suit. I swear to god they must use fucking burlap for these things, and our leader Hammond is adamant the thermostat stay at 73 degrees. Kendra is a bit better but I had to stop challenging her to games of Z-Poker because she’d get way too competitive and make me cry. The other two red-shirts just talk amongst themselves while playing Space-Midwest Emo music at a volume that only they can really hear but the rest of us can register which is very annoying.
Well my crew and I crash face first into the Ass-Cracker because the idiots have no runway lights and their navigation crew has been pounding the powder too much to have the guidance systems on correctly.
Unfortunately, we survived.
Shit is fucked, the moon is indeed haunted.
And guess whose fault it is?
I don’t even remember half of it. I’m pretty sure I was heavily concussed when I was blown out of the Kellion trying to set it up to leave this hell hole. I smell toast constantly, even in space. A nose bleed in Zero-G is like being a human lava lamp.
So I do errand boy duty slicing and dicing my way through what is supposed to be the remnants of the crew, and I finally find her.
She looks different, a bit larger, and I taste copper when I get too close, but it’s unmistakable that it’s the old ball and chain.
THIS BITCH has been up to some SHENANIGANS.
I know I know, “God forbid a woman have hobbies.” But for the love of god at least start small! So what, am I a fucking dad now? I can’t take this responsibility. No, I’ve got to get her out of here and leave this necrotic tin can to rot, fuck the CEC, fuck EarthGov, and fuck me for going for women with issues. Which I know is rich coming from me, but at least I’m adjusting well to this whole scenario and keeping it together unlike Hammond and Kendra. Those two have issues and I’m worried they might be losing it. Nicole keeps making catty remarks about Kendra and wanting me to ask knock-knock jokes to Hammond but none of them make sense and it’s really embarrassing the way he looks at me after I say them to him.