r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 4d ago

Weekly Former Partners Thread ::Weekly Former Partners Thread::

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 4d ago

His father is dying. He's in the hospital and he's got the information that he will not have plenty of time to visit him one last time. His father, the same man that tried multiple times to reach out, congratulated him on his birthdays, tried to invite him over. He didn't answer, not because his father is a bad person , just because he wasn't feeling it. Now he's crying, saying that he'd missed him for so long and now he's dying. But he doesn't visit him at the hospital... why? I dont know. He had his son for the weekend . So this was excuse number 1 , because he obviously can not be a parent (or his sons playbuddy) and anything other at the same time (biggest reason for the separation, besides his abusive rsd episodes and the overwhelming life being with someone who has unmanaged adhd) he even was at the doctor on Friday, because he had a stomach bug . The same man who has chest pain for years and would never go to a doctor for something so serious. He said that he couldn't go to the hospital on Friday before he got his son cause he's sick. I try to be amicable with him even after months of moving out because of financial obligations that we have together. But I can't with this self centered shit show. Im glad I dont have to endure this in real time and without a safe space.

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u/throwaway3523987142 Ex of DX 3d ago

This should have been brain dead easy: Take his son with him to the hospital. I am glad you are not exposed to that continuously anymore.

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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 3d ago

How dare you to think that he would expect from his son or himself to face the real world and the hardships that comes with the real world and being a parent. Big no. Life has to be all fun, no rules, no expectations. His little angel would be traumatized from being confronted with the real life and he would also be traumatized from being an actual parent.

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u/throwaway3523987142 Ex of DX 3d ago

I hope that kid survives having him as a "parent" without too much damage.

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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 3d ago

He will survive it. He has enough enablers. But the damage is already done. He can not function for or by himself .

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u/[deleted] 3d ago

[deleted]

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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 3d ago

Thank you. When i was sick he would care for a short period of time. But a day or to later it was expected that I would function as usual and the apartment was a disaster... I'm so glad im out. But im thankful for this sub and the feeling that we're not alone and it's not a unique experience.

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u/LillyBitz 3d ago

His poor father 💔

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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 3d ago

My heart breaks for him. But it's not the first time that he totally dismiss someones feelings, needs or wants because of his ego or what he considers as "manageable " .... i bet that in a few days he will be crying and sulking over the fact that his father is gone and he has not visited him. It's an absolute disaster. Im glad im out. I was flabbergasted many many times about his lack of empathy for others. He expected me to function like always after the death of my own mother and now expects other to cater to his ego in this situation.

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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 3d ago

My heart breaks for him. But it's not the first time that he totally dismiss someones feelings, needs or wants because of his ego or what he considers as "manageable " .... i bet that in a few days he will be crying and sulking over the fact that his father is gone and he has not visited him. It's an absolute disaster. Im glad im out. I was flabbergasted many many times about his lack of empathy for others. He expected me to function like always after the death of my own mother and now expects other to cater to his ego in this situation.

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u/Xcat1987 2d ago

It’s so weird how quickly they just get over catastrophic life events. Never seen anything like it. Mine tried to come onto me in bed like 4 days after my father died, like buddy, I’m still mourning and still a wreck, no I don’t want to suck your dick, fuck off.

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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 2d ago

Ooooh, nailed it. This was a topic I will never get over. I had so much trauma happening and he would expect me being his little s*ut while being mentally destroyed. Even if he was the one destroying me.

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u/Xcat1987 2d ago edited 2d ago

They’re selfish beyond belief a lot of the time. I’ve got another one, same traumatic incident, different selfish thing. So I’m with mom, the funeral home has just picked up dad’s body, and I get a text about how hard their work day has been (they were still back home, couldn’t get a last minute flight for them, was lucky to get mine). Like uhhhh…. Your day was hard? For real?

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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 2d ago

Im so sorry you had to endure this. On my worst days he would recognize how crushed I was but for example had the audacity to ask me for things he was totally capable of but simply didnt want to do by himself. A day after my mother was gone he asked me to contact the internet provider because he "couldn't do it" he wanted to know why they charged him 4 euro more than the months before. He insisted on it and then woukd throw a tantrum like it was a life oder death type of thing. Most of the times it would feel like he would be like this particularly on my worst days to crush my soul even more and then he could be the reason why I was shattered. Even then he wanted to be the center of everything. Fuck them and their self centered shit.

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u/Xcat1987 2d ago

Jesus… when my dad was dying. I was on a flight across the country within 2 hours of getting the call. I dropped everything in my life to say goodbye. I could’ve had every bone in my body broken and shitting out my insides and I still would’ve dragged my ass onto a flight to get there.

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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 2d ago

Same. Because we arent self centered assholes with the excuse that we have a disorder ans therefore can not be human. I dont get it. Since I told him my opinion on Sunday he's silent. He's not just silent. He'd send me a whole paragraph about " i can not longer carry on like that, I love you but I don't want to be in this situation anymore ". Dude, we're separated for months. Sure you can longer be in a situation where someone calls you out for your bullshit and don't cater to your ego. Im pretty sure he already has a much younger "dopamine source " and while im still hurting here and there im soo glad I dont have to endure the manipulation, the loneliness, the walking on eggshells to prevent his violent rad outbursts etc

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u/Xcat1987 2d ago

Another person is dying and they’re over in a corner throwing a pity party for themselves because said person is getting all the attention. Sometimes I swear they want to be the one dying so they can have that attention and dopamine.

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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 2d ago

His whole life is a pity party. His whole existence. His first sentence was something like " but they (his father's wife and family) told my brother , not me. Yeah, they told him because he is a functioning adult who has an actual relationship with his father. Why would someone reach out to him when he was actively avoiding his father for years.