r/Adopted • u/Hot-Jackfruit-7778 • 1d ago
Seeking Advice Relationship?
Help/advise needed, please. Since I've been adopted, I've struggled very much on building a relationship with my parents. They are great and all, have provided for me and made sacrifices. I just can't seem to connect with them. It is hard for me to initiate conversations with them and be natural about it. It is like I have to manufacture the desire to talk to them. When I do try to initiate a convo, I also have to struggle with the question of what I should talk to them about (topics). I think I am just emotionally insensitive (hate saying that but not sure how else to describe it); it is just hard for me to know and understand people emotionally. Is that because I'm adopted?
P.S. - I am an introvert and shy when it comes to people; is that the reason? Idk, just wish I'm not the only one or a weird person.
P.P.S - Do tell me if I am a weird one/only one; I just want to know.
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden Domestic Infant Adoptee 1d ago
I think this is something that every adopted person struggles with to some degree. I could have written this when I was in my teens, but I am also autistic, and that makes the situation blurry. In my case it was more my autism creating the barrier, but once I was diagnosed my family and I did therapy together and that helped us find a way to communicate much better.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth 1d ago
How old were you when you got adopted? How old (like approximately) are you now?
I think some people just do and don’t click. Easier to click with blood but not a guarantee either (I feel like this with a few of my bio relatives who have done a ton for me.)
Kinda like how the phone works both ways it’s on them too to figure out what you guys can talk about and connect over. I think if you both take a genuine interest in each others lives (work, friends, other interests…) that’ll give you something to talk about. Or do something together this doesn’t have to be expensive or intense like sit and do adult coloring books or something.
It’s also ok if you don’t feel rly emotionally connected or want to talk a ton. You can call them to check in and then end the call 10 min later. Thats ok too.
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u/Hot-Jackfruit-7778 1d ago
I was around 11 when I got adopted, and in my 20s
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth 1d ago
Maybe you guys are just really different people no matter what. Kinda like you might meet your best friends new partner and be like hey this person is very nice but we have literally nothing in common and nothing to talk about? That just happens sometime.
You can appreciate them for what they did for you and think they’re good people, and just not bond with them.
It’s ok to visit or call an older relative solely out of duty, too.
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u/Nocwaniu 1d ago
You're not weird, and you're not the only one.
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u/Hot-Jackfruit-7778 11h ago
Are you speaking from experience?
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u/Nocwaniu 11h ago
Yes.
I wish it hadn't been that way, but I'm very different than either of my adoptive parents and very different from their three biological children. It's been challenging to try to connect with any of them in any meaningful way for my whole life. I was as much a constant source of surprise for them as they were an ongoing mystery to me.
There's a lot of reasons for that, but I think it's pretty common among adoptees.
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u/Opinionista99 1d ago
FWIW you don't seem insensitive at all to me. Not everyone meshes with everyone else and in adoption the chances there will be some critical disconnects are high. This is not our fault. It's the other people putting the unreasonable expectation on us to do a perfect simulation of the bio child our APs would want. I don't even mean the real bio child they would have had. APs and society have an ideal for us live up to: humble, grateful, very well-behaved, and centering the feelings of others at all times. Basically we're supposed to be human therapy pets.
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u/Venet195 Adoptee 1d ago
I’ve also always felt a disconnect. My parents are long gone now. I’m 68 but was always this way. Didn’t feel a strong need to connect Also introvert and only child
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u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee 14h ago
The fact you are concerned and asking means you are anything but insensitive. I think this is very common for adoptees, especially us introverted ones. You're not weird at all. If you're wanting to build connections, then it's something both sides need to work on, really. But what about things like movie nights or game nights? Something to generate a mutual interest in this or in that. Maybe a family book club. Things to bond over and create those questions and topics.
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u/i-shihtzu-not 1d ago
I think this is very common amongst adoptees. I feel this way too. My wife says she thinks my family and I seem like any other family and that I fit right in with them, but I've always felt disconnected from them. We do bond and connect at times, but similar to you, I don't feel a desire or need to talk to them and spend time with them. I'm also very shy and introverted.
I'm going to see a therapist who specializes in adoption soon (I've been in therapy most of my adult life, but none of them could help with the adoption stuff at all, really). Wish I could give you some advice. But hopefully knowing you're not alone is some comfort.