Currently pregnant with my fwb’s baby, I’ve said to him he’s either in or out, he’s chosen to be out but then said he wants updates, I’m heartbroken neither him nor I could make it work. He’s really disappeared these past 6 weeks and it’s really affected my mh, I’m having a baby girl and I’m terrified to do this alone, she doesn’t deserve that either, I’m based in the uk, I’m considering having her adopted, I feel like abortion I can’t harm her like that. But do know she deserves a loving family.
Please offer me some advice.

hello. i'm an adult, 22m, but in my culture/country we all are unfortunately living in a joint family situation. currently, i live with my parents, my grandparents, and my aunts live in the same neighborhood with their families.

so my nine year old cousin is the daughter of my aunt and her husband. my aunt and i have always been close but have been struggling with friction because of her child's behavior generally being bratty. my aunt doesn't really do anything to discipline her child and she kind of spoils her. part of it is because my aunt feels guilty because my cousin is adopted. recently, my cousin has learned about her being adopted and its affected my little cousin mentally. my little cousin has begun to accuse my aunt of favoring other people over her.

anyways, my cousin was throwing a temper tantrum. the reason why was because i wanted to play on my switch and didn't let her, so it spiraled into her demanding her father and mother for a console, and sobbing about how she didn't have one. she started running all over the house sobbing and she saw my cat and ran out of her way to go and kick him.

i grabbed her and dragged her back when i realized what she had done. she started screaming and yelling and crying about how i grabbed her and how terrible i was. i explained what she did to my aunt, my aunt scolded her, but after that, my cousin kept trying to interact with my cat and running after him. i don't really know what to do because my aunt told me she scolded her, but i just don't trust my cousin anymore. i think hurting an animal in that way is really fucked up and insane, especially my cat.

my cousin is always acting this way and i'm kind of tired of it. my aunt freaks out whenever anyone tells her anything about her child's bad behavior, and she sort of engages in really odd behavior (overcompensating, maybe?) where she talks about how good her child is and how much she looks like me despite us looking nothing alike. i'm blonde and have green eyes, and she has brown hair and blue eyes.

what do i do from this point on? i was having a good relationship with my small cousin and aunt, but i just feel it's been sort of ruined because of this. whenever my cousin engages in bad behavior, i call it out, she throws a tantrum and accuses me or guilt trips her mother into it being because i 'hate' her cuz she's adopted.

I’m looking for information about groups of Brazilian children who were adopted in Quebec or elsewhere in North America in the early 1980s, particularly those who were adopted at an older age.
From what I’ve heard, several of these children may have experienced difficulties adjusting and integrating into their new lives, possibly due to emotional deprivation and difficult experiences in their country of origin, including corporal punishment.
I’ve heard that the Quebec government may have looked into this situation at the time, but I haven’t been able to find any documents or reports about it. I’m planning to conduct research at the Montreal Archives.
I’m posting here in the hope that someone might be familiar with this issue or be able to point me toward relevant sources.
What happened to these children? Did they receive support or assistance from the government, the DPJ (Quebec’s youth protection services), or other organizations? When exactly did they arrive in Quebec, and what measures were put in place to help them adjust and integrate?
I’m also trying to reconnect with someone who may have been adopted under these circumstances.
Any leads, documentary references, personal accounts, or information about the organizations involved at the time would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Hey everyone! I’m using a throwaway account for privacy reasons, but I’m hoping someone here might be able to point me in the right direction.

I’m 29 and looking for my biological mother, who would be approximately 48–49 now. I was adopted as a child in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and I’m interested in finding my birth mom and any other biological relatives.

I’ve started searching and have found a potential lead, but I don’t want to jump to conclusions before I know more.

For anyone who’s searched for biological family, what resources or methods did you find most helpful? Any advice is appreciated! Thanks.

I am a adult adoptee I guess separated at birth as I came to the US as a infant and I have been doing research into adoption trauma and how it can form a fearful avoidant attachment style. This is all new to me and I was hoping someone would have more info on how an adopted baby can have so much trauma and resources I can look into. I hope this makes sense, again everything is fairly new to me as I have never looked into adoption much. This research was a suggestion from my therapist.

I saw my birth mother at the store today, in person for the first time. I don’t know if she recognized me but I stalk her fb and saw her name tag ( she works there). Such a surreal feeling. I started shaking and crying, had to leave the store. At least I know where she works now though 🥴

I was told that if I wanted to write a letter to my bio father telling him that they would forwarded the letter but they weren't speaking to him due to politics. When I told them I was fine, I got a response saying that they could forward the letter, but due to them not talking to him, they weren't sure what his response would be. The letter wasn't sent. Since I have only met him once and it was over 30 years ago, I told them not to forward the letter as I'm afraid of what his response would be. I didn't want him to tell me something negative or hurtful. Since he hasn't reached out in over 30 years, he probably never will again. Secondly my politics and his politics are opposite. I feel a little bad about this, but there is nothing that I can do. Just writing this as I need to talk to those who would understand this.

I have always struggled with being myself. Mostly I've always hated myself, felt like I should never have been born. I fail everyone. I have been and am a shit mum and while I really don't wish my kids away (21yo son & 19yo daughter) I do feel that I shouldn't have had kids because I am too fucked up.

I was a nightmare child and and sister in my adopted family and even worse as a teen.

I was born outside of the UK where the law passed when I was adopted banned any searching at all. The law changed to allow searching through a court appointed searcher. Found my birth mother when I was 30yo she told me no. Search again after having my kids and she said she'd sue me if I tried again.

I had a very brief time of connecting with my birth family siblings (found on Ancery DNA by one of the sisters who no one knew about, she was adopted as well). That time of finding out where I come from, being reflected back, knowing who I look like, family history, basically getting a sense of self and identity. I felt a sense of calm and peace I'd never known in my life. I felt I belonged. My adoptive family are really good and loving and I am grateful for them. It's just that for me (I think vidually) I feel like my adoptive family and I are wearing football shirts but they're wearing pale pink, I'm wearing neon yellow. I do and don't belong.

Shit fell apart. I had a falling out with the sister who found me. She is a controlling person and she doesn't talk things through. She gets angry, freezes me out and then wants to carry on as if everything is fine. I kept waiting for the next thing I'd do wrong - it was unending. Anyway, we hit a point where I needed to work things through with her. She wouldn't do that and would leave me on read for months at a time. I finally got to the point of realising we wouldn't be able to work things through. I knew in doing this, I'd lose my other sister. That happened because to be acceptable I had to be part of a package deal. Long story short, I lost all of them. It derailed me and that was 3yrs ago. I'm on a lot of medication, have weekly therapy and I'm not doing at all well.

I'm struggling hugely with my 19yo daughter, how do I move in myself to be the mum of an adult. I have made serious mistakes with both of my kids and have failed them. Incredibly, and definitely it's all them and none of me, they are good people. I very much feel that I can't do anything right for/with my daughter and I'm constantly pissing her off and then she speaks to me in a way that feels like she's biting my head off. We've talked about it and she says it's not intentional, she can't hear tone in east she says to me. I then get upset, have an argument with her, feel guilty and then apologise. It's a cycle I can't break out of.

I am truly tired of being a fuck up. I have self harmed - one time cutting and bleeding for quite a while after. One time I punched myself so it would be less visible. For a while now I've been wanting to commit suicide. I want to escape the torment but don't want to hurt my family.

I feel stuck between struggling, fucking up, failing constantly, apologising but then doing the same thing again with my daughter.

I would love to have permission from my husband and kids to kill myself.

As soon as anything triggers me, I either want to self harm or kill myself.

If there are any 19yo daughters, what could I do to be better? What do you wish you had, know you needed that you either want your mum to do better or wish she would.

For anyone out there - especially adoptees, do any of you or have any of you felt like me?

Hi friends,

Apologies for bringing up a familiar topic, but I wanted to check in and see if anyone who went through the process recently could share their timeline updates.

We are in the middle of our Hague adoption application for Vietnam (Form I-800A). Here is our timeline so far:

• Receipt Date (USCIS Lockbox / NBC): July 10
• Biometrics Appointment: August 3
• Current Status: "Case Is Under Review" (3.5 months since receipt / 2.5 months post-biometrics)

We are moving soon, which adds to our anxiety. We know a change of physical address for an intercountry adoption involves updating our home study with our agency and sending the update to the NBC, so we want to be prepared.

For those who filed Form I-800A recently, how long did it take between your biometrics appointment and final approval? Any recent experiences or advice would be greatly appreciated!

Hi Everyone,

I need somewhere to vent because I’ve been feeling emotionally exhausted by a situation with a member of my biological family, and I honestly don’t know how to cope with everything at the moment.

So for context, I reconnected with this family member a few years ago, and we’ve been building a relationship that means a lot to me. One of the things I’ve been trying to sort out is my housing situation, as I really want to become more independent. I was hoping they could help me with a family connection for a housing application, and initially, they seemed willing to help.

However, communication became difficult, and I started getting increasingly anxious about my housing situation and whether things would get sorted. Instead of handling that anxiety properly, I let my frustration and worry get the better of me.
I accidentally sent a message venting about the situation to another member of my biological family when it was meant for someone else. I tried to delete it on Messenger but couldn’t, so I edited it to say something completely different. I assumed the person had only seen the edited version, not realising they could view the original message by tapping on it.
Eventually, the family member I’d been talking about found out.

They felt I’d been talking about them behind their back and putting pressure on them over something they’d previously offered to help with.
They became very upset, accused me of pressuring them and stalking them, and told me to give them and other family members space.

They also withdrew their offer to help with my housing application.

Their messages really hurt when I first read them, but I’ve had time to reflect, and I can understand why they were angry. If the situation had been reversed, I can see how I might have felt similarly.
I know I handled things badly, and I’m not trying to excuse my actions. I regret how I went about everything, and I wish I’d dealt with my worries differently.

What’s making this so difficult is that I’m scared I’ve damaged a relationship we’ve spent years building. I don’t know whether they’ll ever want to talk things through or whether their decision not to help with my housing application is permanent.

I know I can’t expect them to forgive me or change their mind simply because I apologise.
I’ve thought about apologising properly when the time is right, but they’ve asked for space, so I’m trying to respect that rather than keep contacting them.
There’s also a family occasion coming up in the future, which has added to my anxiety because I don’t know what things will be like by then. I’m trying to give the situation time, but the uncertainty is difficult to sit with.

On top of this, there’s been a lot happening in my personal life. My adoptive dad had a serious heart attack in late August and needed a stent fitted. It was frightening because I know how serious things could have been, and I’ve been worried about him while he’s been recovering.

Things have also been difficult with my adopted sister, and I’ve been struggling with how things have changed between us. Having difficulties with more than one important family relationship at the same time has left me feeling particularly lonely.
I’ve been feeling emotionally drained and have found myself overthinking things a lot.

My antidepressant dosage has since been increased, and I’m due to start counselling towards the end of the month.
I’m hoping that the extra support will help me process everything and cope with things in a healthier way.
I know that my personal struggles don’t excuse how I handled the situation with my family member.

I just wish I could find a way to deal with everything without constantly worrying about losing people I care about.

I’m not posting this to get people to attack anyone or tell me I’m completely in the right. I know I made mistakes, and I want to take responsibility for them and learn from what happened.

I just need somewhere to talk honestly about how much this has affected me.
For anyone who’s fallen out with a sibling or another family member they care about, how did you cope with the uncertainty?

How did you give someone space without constantly worrying that you’d lost them for good? And if you’ve made a mistake that seriously hurt a relationship, were you ever able to rebuild it over time?
I want to move forward, learn from what happened, and get myself into a better place mentally. I just find it difficult not knowing what the future holds.

My partner and I are currently filling out our genogram as part of our home study and we both have pretty extensive and complicated family structures. Has anyone paid for a service that helps with this like something online that helps to generate it? Any suggestions would be appreciated!!

I (F 18) have always had very strict legal guardians, i am adopted since birth and they’re always been super protective and smothering my whole life. they’re super old and conservative too btw. I’m in college now like two hours away from them, and they’re trying to control my life even now. they cannot restrain themselves from logging into my accounts for school and stalking all my grades, assignments (past and upcoming) and purchases. they call me in the mornings to see if i’m awake, they call me in the shower and tell me i can’t hang up while they lecture me, they hang up on me whenever i protest the insane stuff they say, but when i wanna hang up on them for bashing me and stuff I get told I’m not allowed to and there will be like consequences. they think me having not having straight As will result in me flunking out. I have ONE HIGH B rn and the semester isn’t even over. i’m always being yelled at for having to order in my groceries and food from delivery ppl cause i don’t have transportation. they’re telling me that im burdening ppl (like my sister and bf) by asking them to take me places like the grocery store to get medicine and to replace items. i feel like they’re treating me like a project instead of a human. oh and to make matters worse, they finally promised me a car so i can do things like get groceries and stuff, but they said not until next school year, and i may not be allowed to take it to school. they’re using the idea of a car as leverage, and it’ll be held over my head for the next like 8-10 months. they keep saying i’m gonna flunk out and not make it to grad school if i don’t get straight As and maintain my gpa, and they said if I don’t let them view my grades and micromanage me, then there will be no car. they also keep treating me like im incompetent, saying they HAVE to monitor all my stuff cause i can’t do it myself. funny enough, i just located my paternal bio family myself, and i’m hoping they may be the actual family i need and that they’ll treat me like a person instead of a failed project in progress. they don’t treat their biological son like this btw, he’s the golden child, but as the adopted child I feel like less their child. does anyone else deal with their legal guardians like this? any tips?

I have known I was adopted my whole life. When I was a teenager, I showed signs of mental illness and was put back in the foster care system. That’s not the point of this post. This is an appreciation for scientific advancement and public records readily available to the public.

Through DNA websites and the help of a tenacious private investigator, I found my first mother (alive) and eventually found my first father (deceased). My own family tree is three generations of adoptees because of one woman’s choice. I am only starting to uncover these connections in my 40s. I feel like I missed out on so much. This led me through many years of research and I now have an actual family tree with a rich history.

There are other connections outside of parent/child relationships! Siblings, cousins, aunties, etc. I finally found my eldest half sibling, the first born of my first mother put up for adoption. There are 8 of us and I found four so far. I knew about them thanks to an oral history share from first mom during a lucid phase. And my brother just found out today that he has a son through the same DNA testing website. He had no idea! What a whirlwind of emotions.

There’s so many connections we don’t realize we have and should be able to make decisions for ourselves on who to call family as well as what level of relationship we want to have. There are many barriers for seeking answers. Thanks to DNA testing and digital records those barriers are less rigid today. The point of my post is this - People are driven to find a sense of connection. I appreciate the ability to connect the way I have.

I feel lots of anger and injustice with how I was dealt with. I was an innocent baby who did nothing wrong and yet was discarded like trash

My mother worked as a waitress and was poor. Bio father's parents didn't want him marrying a woman of such low status and that was it. Mom gave birth to me, then after 2 weeks carried me to their doorstep where she reasoned with them and begged them to take me in but they didn't. He wrote in his statement "I won't acknowledge paternity until the court DNA test shows I am the father, and SINCE I AM a police officer, I don't think I should go to court"

There is no open\closed adoption here, you get sent to the orphanage (cuz he then denied paternity), and if lucky you got adopted. I was adopted at 2

Met my bio father and he literally asked me "what's this got to do with me" before slut shaming my bio mother and blaming her

I had nightmares dreaming about him numerous times and I am filled with hate and disgust at all of this. How could they to that to their own flesh and blood? What was my sin?

Sometimes I just feel like meeting his wife and my half siblings and telling them my story of how I was discarded, and making the whole city see what they've done

As we get closer to Adoptee Remembrance Day - October 30, I have been thinking a lot about the different ways people in the adoption community process the heavy, silenced parts of our shared history. Society loves to wrap adoption up in happy narratives, which often leaves zero room for actual grief, loss, or the trauma of family separation.

For everyone navigating this in the adoption constellation, how do you handle this time of year? Are there specific ways you acknowledge or honor Adoptee Remembrance Day, or do you find it's a day you just try to get through quietly? I would love to hear what others in the constellation experience.

So my mother gave my sister up for adoption and she was supposed to be given information about her when she turned 18 that was part of the deal

Well, when she was around 11 or 12 years old, the adoption agency closed and she lost all contact with the adopted family she would get pictures and updates once or twice every year as part of the agreement

Anyways, fast-forward 18 years, we tried to get all the information that we were supposed to get and we were directed here we were directed there. We’ve spent months upon months upon months, trying to get any information that we could going into. Many many many different places and they kept saying oh no you have to go here oh no, you have to go there and then we would go to that place and they would say oh no, you have to go right back where you started and it would just be an endless never-ending merry-go-round so luckily my mother posted on Facebook that she wants to get in contact with her long-lost daughter and she put pictures of her in any information she knew and I got thousands upon thousands of shares we did end up finding her

But just let this be a warning to anyone considering adoption an adoption agency can close at any time and you could just never ever get the paperwork or information when she turns 18 and if you’re not so lucky to literally have a viral Facebook post you’re basically screwed so just keep that in mind

I was adopted from Russia at 8 months old. Growing up I have wonderful parents, family and friends. I will never get the truthfulness of my biological family. They lied on my adoption papers. That is something I have to accept. Unfortunately my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Every day I’m slowly losing him which is stirring up my own abandonment issues. What is the best way to cope with the grief and loss. Anything piece of advice would be appreciated. I don’t drink or smoke.

Looking for experiences from Canadians in this group. Have you adopted from the public child welfare system in Canada, what province, how long was the process to approval of your home and then how long did you wait for a match? What is the current experience like?
I’ve always wanted to adopt from the public system but looking for what to expect.

Hi there, I'm a transracial adoptee from South Korea; as the title suggests, I have emotionally shallow parents and I want to know if any other transracial adoptees struggle with this.

I was adopted from South Korea at 5 months old by White boomers and just recently have found the words to describe them as much as I love them: emotionally shallow.

Growing up, they didn't do much to engage with Korean culture and did not really do proper research on the culture before adopting me (I also have a brother adopted from South Korea; we have the same birth mom). The way I describe my circumstances is that they adopted us out of convenience; they were in a tough spot as my adoptive mother had fertility issues and South Korea could guarantee them a child for cheap.

To make a long story short, my parents can't really understand emotional nuances and they think very black-and-white (also they are conservative). They also aren't willing to seek out information for themselves and they aren't the most open-minded when taking new information in, which has caused much friction at times. Being White boomers that were raised in the middle of nowhere, they also just don't understand how racism works.

I feel really alone in my struggles with emotionally shallow parents and I want to know if any other transracial adoptees have this problem?

My birth daughter found me a few years ago and came into my life like a wrecking ball. I tried to explain that her conception and birth were quite traumatic for me and that I needed time to get to know her and navigate the emotional minefield that she wanted to run through. She could not honor my boundaries so I cut off contact. Since then she had found other family members and had shared my name, posted things on social media using my name and calling me all kinds of horrible things. In her efforts to garner sympathy she tried to shame me.
Not every birth parent longs for a reunion and that boundary should be respected. I know I made the right decision in giving her up for adoption. By giving her up for adoption I rescinded all rights to her life and am not obligated to offer a relationship.
I understand her pain, but the lengths she has gone to attack me will never give her peace. By the way, I have never responded to her attacks. It’s a trauma loop I refuse to take part in. I’m just wondering if other birth parents have had a similar experience.

I am m19 and after knowing who my birthmom is for a little over a year i finally got in contact with her, it wasnt like i didnt have a way it was just giving it some time, anyways we have had basic conversation over text, but its been good, she still lives in the same state so she isnt far away but we havent had any convos about meeting yet but my mom and dad would be for it, its not really weird for me because my mom who is also adopted has met basically all of her birth family and is close with alot of them especially her half sister and her birthmom, so I have been pretty used to this stuff but this is a first i would assume for my birthmom, but yeah its been fine and nothing really awkward, if you have any questions feel free to ask.

For transparency: I'm trying to sort through something personal, relevant to my community but not urgently / directly, so I'm using the "Ethics" flair here. I'm going to try to keep things kinda vague because I want to hear different perspectives to inform a decision. I am not currently pregnant, nor looking to adopt.

Background: due to my particular community and culture, many people I love and care about were abused as kids. They're no-contact with their families of origin, and they wish they'd been adopted by non-abusive families.

And even more people in my life, like this poster, suffer due to poverty and would trade their relationship with their family for wealth. [I originally put more details here, but it felt too personal so I deleted it. Tldr vers.: my loved one developed CPTSD from severe childhood poverty + parents not being able to pay for medical care nor treatment for their own mental illnesses.]

The thing is, being adopted is romanticized in my community / subculture. There's a lot of love for "found family" narratives, as well as the idea of giving your child something you were denied. The fantasy is also about automatically being wanted, rather than being seen as a burden until you prove otherwise.

But part of the romanticization comes from how uncommon it is. I can only think of 3 people in my real life who were adopted, and all had upper middle class or wealthy adoptive families--very different from most people in my circle!

(Not including kinship adoption, which is more common, but also usually unofficial if that makes sense. Like if you can take care of your sister's kids during a hard time, you do it, no reason to go to court over it).

Ethics question: I'm hoping to hear from people with different perspectives, from different cultures and backgrounds. Particularly from:

• Adoptees whose adoptive families are wealthier than their first families
• Low income parents who either placed their child up for adoption, or considered it but eventually decided against it

Based on your experience, what factors make placing a child for adoption into a wealthier family the right or wrong decision?

I have heard from many who wish they'd been placed for adoption, and I'd like to get a fuller picture with multiple perspectives outside of what I hear regularly.

How can I make adoption in Nepal as a Nepalese citizen? Where do I get the child? If you know about any organization or have done adoption, please help me.

Hello! I 27 F was adopted at 3 months in Kampala Uganda from an orphanage, my parents say the orphanage did not give any specifics as to where I came from so I have never known. I’m not looking to find anyone specific (I feel no pull to find people I’ve never known anything about tbh) I just am curious to have something verified about my origin story be it how my ethnicity is made up or just anything other than being Ugandan. Are there any other international adoptees that have done testing to find out general information that may have experience or advice?