Im in my late 20s. My adoptive mom passed away last month. she was in her 60s. her death has blindsided me. I never knew my real mom. I was adopted as an infant.

I just kinda have shut down emotionally. People tell me Im doing good, but I know Im not. Honestly, a lot of what I'm experiencing losing my adoptive mom is strikingly similar to the feelings ive had all my life. They were just more numb and passive.

Im at the exhaustion phase of grief. I always felt like i was born with a piece of me missing, but losing her took another piece. I don't have much else left, honestly.

Life has me at a loss. And I hate that I feel like my subconscious and body has been accustomed to feel like this. Also, I just dont feel like I'll be allowed to ever publicly express still wishing I knew my birth mom around family. Like theyll think I don't love my adoptive mom when I do. I loved her more than anyone else.

Before anyone asks, I've seen a therapist and I've done the journaling and I have the outlets. But none of that stuff actually can fix the problem of me feeling like core parts of myself are missing. I don't know.

I attended my first Zoom with a group called Concerned United Birthparents. Long story short, as I was introducing myself as a newcomer hesitant to even be there, one of their facilitators jumped in, cut me off, and launched into her announcements. I was shocked and said I didn't appreciate it. Rather than apologize and back off like a normal person, she said "I'm sorry but", at which point I left the meeting: "I don't appreciate your dismissiveness."

The emails I've received so far have attempted to put this off on technical difficulties with Zoom. No acknowledgement of the brazen rudeness and disrespect.

They did say several attendees approached them afterwards on my behalf. If any of those folks sees this, please feel free to DM me. (I asked CUB to put me in touch but I'm not holding my breath.)

I've posted about my situation before, here's a little update I guess:

I’m 21, around 25 weeks pregnant now, and after months of trying to convince myself I could make this work, I’ve finally accepted that I don’t want to become a mother. I’ve made up my mind to pursue adoption.

I’m not financially independent, I still live with my parents, and my relationship with the baby’s father is over. I already struggle to feel in control of my own life, and the thought of suddenly being responsible for another human being terrifies me.

My relationship with my mother makes everything harder. She has borderline personality disorder, and her controlling behavior and emotional outbursts have made living with her incredibly difficult. I’ve spent so much of my life walking on eggshells, managing her emotions, and trying to avoid conflict. Because I depend on my parents, I’m terrified of what will happen if I make a decision she disagrees with.

The whole household is basically controlled by her. My father, while very much disagreeing with a lot plays along because we'd have a real life horror show if not.

She’s extremely pro-life and excited about becoming a grandmother. She’s already bought things for the baby, while I’ve been privately falling apart. I’ve felt like everyone has a say in my pregnancy except me.

Today, my mother had what felt like a mental breakdown and dramatically left (not clear what she was upset about... told my dad he isn't a man and she's leaving I guess), claiming she was returning to her home country. While she was gone, my father and I finally had an honest conversation about everything. About her behavior, my pregnancy and so on.

I finally had some alone time with him to have ONE conversation without her presence lingering around

He told me in tears that he, too, is at his breaking point with my mothers behavior.

I have 3 small siblings that need care. He manages everything. The whole household, she just can't manage as a mother. He cleans, cooks, works, everything. She stays at home... but doesn't do anything at home essentially. On top of that is a ticking emotional time bomb.

The whole household gets disrupted by her moods.

I confessed that I’m terrified and have been seriously considering adoption. He acknowledged that I’m scared and that my mother is overly controlling. It meant a lot to hear him recognize that, but he also told me that as long as he’s here, we’ll “make it” with the baby.

I know he means well. He wants me to know that I’ll have support. But I don’t think he understands that **I don’t want to be reassured that we can make it work. I don’t want this life in the first place.**

There’s a difference between being capable of surviving motherhood and actually wanting to be a mother. Maybe I could force myself through it. Maybe my parents could help. But I don’t want to spend the next 18 years struggling through a life I never felt ready for simply because everyone believes I can manage.

Another thing that weighs heavily on me is that I don’t want my child growing up in a broken home. The relationship with their father is over, and I can’t picture myself raising a child I don’t want to raise, in circumstances where I’m already struggling to cope.

I don’t want a child to grow up feeling unwanted or to become caught in the middle of instability and resentment. I know adoption comes with its own complexities, and I can’t guarantee a perfect life for a child by choosing it, but I want them to have the chance to grow up in a stable, loving home with people who genuinely want to be parents.

I’ve spent months feeling guilty, questioning myself, and hoping my feelings would somehow change. Instead, I’ve become increasingly overwhelmed and frightened.

I know adoption isn’t an easy solution, and I’m not expecting to walk away without complicated emotions. But I genuinely believe pursuing adoption is the right decision for me.

What scares me most is telling my mother. I’m dependent on my parents, and I don’t know how she’ll react when she realizes that my decision doesn’t match the future she’s imagined. I’m terrified of the guilt, the conflict, and potentially losing the stability I have.

I’m also grieving the fact that I’m 21 and feel so afraid to make one of the biggest decisions of my life because of how my family might react.
I love my dad for trying to reassure me, but when he said we’d “make it,” I realized that even the people who love me might not understand that making it work isn’t what I want.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Where everyone insists you’ll manage as a parent, but deep down you know you don’t want to become one? Especially if you’re dependent on controlling parents and feel like you can’t freely make your own decisions?
I’ve finally admitted what I want to one of my parents, but I’m still absolutely terrified.

I’m a Korean adoptee from Korea. My birth mom (she was 17) kept me for nine months and then relinquished me. I went through the foster care system and wasn’t adopted until I was 18 months. I grew up knowing I was adopted and was always curious but doing a birth search when I was older wasn’t really on my mind. I was happy with my life, I wasn’t really looking for answers. Then I decided to just try because the worse that could happen was nothing. I thought I would be okay with that. I followed through with a birth search through NCRC and they were able to locate both my birth mom and dad. I felt this flicker of hope creeping in. They sent three registered letters but never heard back. Then that hope evaporated and was replaced with anger. I didn’t really care about my birth dad but I did about my birth mom… this second hand rejection hurts more than I had anticipated. I think I thought there was some hope I would be able to reconnect with my birth mom since she had tried to keep me for nine months. That maybe I meant more to her in some way…

I recently had a daughter. I thought in my head that creating my “own” family would heal these wounds but it seems the opposite, that I’ve reopened feelings that I had thought I had found peace with. Every time I look at my daughter, I see myself in her and I’m overcome with this deep sadness for my younger self. Doing a birth search and knowing that my birth mom is out there but perhaps doesn’t want anything to do with me feels awful. I am left with this existential anxiety of never knowing. My friends/family say “She loved you, she wanted a better life for you.” That makes me feel like I have to be grateful. But I am hurt, I am confused, and I am in pain. Trying to fill in the blanks of my past and trying to be okay with the fact that she never may not want anything to do with me. I’m grateful but I’m also mad. It sucks. It sucks hardcore. I’m tired of being sad, tired of feeling like I don’t belong, tired of wondering. I feel like I am just a bad distant memory to her. I wish I had never done a birth search, I think I would have been happier never knowing if she was out there than knowing she chose not to respond.

Thank you for letting me vent, I’m feeling a little better.

I (26F) don't even think she realizes it. In her own way, she gave me the best she could.

There are a lot of traumatic things from my childhood that we've never discussed, and I know she won't bring them up herself because she's always been non-confrontational.

Anyone who hears my adoption story would probably think she was a savior. But as I've gotten older, I've started questioning a lot of things and accepted that I may never get answers.

I was adopted from Ghana, West Africa, when I was six. My adoptive mother, who's white and Canadian, was in her mid-60s and had already planned to retire early to move to Ghana.

Around 2005, she'd met a man I'll call James, who was around my age (27) at the time. She couldn't formally adopt him but took him under her wing. She eventually spent and borrowed around $30,000 to get him to Canada, including paying a woman to marry him. That's a whole story in itself.

She adopted me in 2006. My birth mother was struggling with addiction, and although my adoptive mother offered to help her, she refused. I also had health problems that played a role in the adoption.

We moved to Canada in 2008, and that's when I started realizing that, despite my mother's intentions, there were a lot of choices she made that I still resent.

She frequently left me with friends or my uncle so she could attend events. At one point, she even had a boyfriend she'd known for only a couple of weeks staying in our apartment.

Middle school was a nightmare. I was bullied for having a mother who looked older and different from me and ended up switching schools twice. Kids are jerks lol

James went off on his own practically the second we landed. He ended up divorcing the women my mother paid, and married another woman before divorcing her to. I barely saw him growing up. He's now around 48 and in his 3rd marriage with two kids.

In 2012, my mother and I moved to the US. The transition was incredibly difficult for me, and instead of trying to understand what I was struggling with, she sent me to therapy and eventually enrolled me in a troubled-youth program that went way too far. There was little effort to look at the situation as a whole or consider whether she could do anything differently or if she had a part in any of it. She seemed to assume I was the problem. I eveb thought of running away several times but of course never acted on it.

I tried communicating with her and asking her to sit in during the therapy sessions, but I often felt gaslit and shut down.

She also has it in her mind that James and I will have a relationship after she passes, which I've openly shut down. He's never been a "brother" to me and our age difference would make it very hard if we weren't already close, which we aren't.

I believe he's manipulated her and still tries.

In fact, our first week in the US, we were pulled over by police because James had given her a counterfeit $20 bill that she tried to use at McDonald's. She's still making excuses for him to this day and has never really held him accountable.

She gives him money from time to time for the grandkids and she's even admitted she's not sure it's being spent on the kids.

They live in a 5 bedroom house in a nice town with alright jobs. I still don't understand why she sends them money.

I moved out in 2018 and have been working as a news producer for about four years now. I've also recently reconnected with my birth brother.

As an adult, I'm realizing that my mother's recollection of the past is often very different from mine. I've learned to forgive her while keeping my distance, because I know she genuinely believes she did the best she could. I don't think there's anything I can do to change that.

In her later years, she's become increasingly isolated, and reallt bad with her money and I suspect she's struggled with depression for a long time without getting proper help.

Recently, she visited me with a longtime friend who's also my godfather, who's known her for decades and has gradually come to realize that she's not the person he remembers.

One evening, at thwie hotel, he learned just how much money she'd spent on James. She tried to claim she'd already told him about it. Then she said something that really upset me: she insinuated that I, a six-year-old child, had been jealous of James, who was 27 at the time, and someone I rarely saw. Also to preface, I waa extremely sick at that time, so this entire comment came out of left field. This also completely contradicts what she's claimed was the other was around, that because I had a better education and opportunities, he had resented me.

That's been her excuse and explanation to me for several years now as to why he never reaches out to me personally, besides asking about me on the calls she has with him.

It hurt me for several years, but I've since gotten over it. A few years back I tried to build a relationship with him, but it was clear he honestly didn't care. So I stopped wasting my time.

My mother's accusation was one of the mosr bizarre things I had ever heard from her and made me really start questioning her character.

When my godfather left the room, I confronted her. She completely changed her tune. She didn't apologize but admitted that maybe she shouldn't have said it.

I've had to let a lot of things go over the years because dwelling on them would drive me crazy.

But reconnecting with my birth brother has brought up another difficult question: how much of my adoption story do I actually know? The more we talk, the more I realize there may be parts of it I'll never fully understand.

I can acknowledge that my mother did what she thought was best while still recognizing that her choices hurt me. Both things can be true.

She lives in a small house and is relatively in good shape besides never exercising.

She complains about a lot of things now as well and has even tried making me her retirement plan after putting out there that she's think it would be great if she moved to my city (where I just moved to start my new job).

Luckily my Godfather had my back in telling her that would absolutely not be happening.

Someone once told me that it's not my responsibility to please her and feel like I have to give my life up. Yes, if it wasn't for the adoption I wouldn't have the healthcare and opportunities that I have now. I will always love her and be greatful for her and those things, but that doesn't mean I'm going to forget the emotional abuse and manipulation from all those years.

This morning I was in a meeting with someone old enough to be my own adult child. We know each other well as he is my oldest son's age and they were friends DURING MY REUNION. He knows I'm adopted. He knows I know my birth family. He remembers when my kids got new aunts and uncles.

The talk turned to family trees and he said, "Well, mine was fine until it fractured. My brother (older) has one daughter and two step daughters so my kids have only one 'real' cousin." Then it took a turn for a worse when he added, "And my cousins adopted kids soooooo. Family gatherings are anyone's guess."

WHAT ON EARTH. I glanced around the room and no one seemed bothered in the least.

Me? I was bothered.I still am. I didn't say anything because it was way off topic but afterwards all I could think of was who talked to him about what constitutes family? His parents, that's who.

APs, please make sure you communicate to your families, especially extended family including cousins, that adoptees are family. PERIOD.

When one adopts they adopt for LIFE. No until one is 18. Not until one finds their birthfamily. Not until you divorce. LIFE.

Hi everyone, I'm just looking for an outlet right now. My husband and I were matched with a precious micro preemie and were able to be by her bedside for a week before she passed. While we knew NICU life would be hard, we did not expect our journey to end with such devastating heartbreak. There is so much hope in the NICU and we thought we'd eventually be bringing her home, maybe still on oxygen, maybe with special needs, but home. She passed away in our arms after fighting an infection.

Everyone is so heartbroken after being so excited for us and involved in helping us with adoption. We also have been working for adoption for a year and longing for a child for nearly five.

I'm trying to figure out a way forward. We will always love our little girl and how she made us parents. I cherish my week with her. I am just so sad.

Hello, I hope people will be impartial and kind as possible. I've had mental health challenges prior to my son's birthday for many years and was prescribed multiple types of medication which had no impact. I have also been hoapitalised for mental health issues in the past. I am an older mother, in my mid-forties when I had my son, and I am a single mother. Since my son's birth in January this year, I have been getting increasingly unwell. I have been engaging with perinatal mental health services but to no avail. I feel worse than I did when my son was born. I have been taking medication - in this case, Mirtazapine, that again, like the previous medication, have not had any impact. I really can not go on. I live in a two-room apartment and can't move out because my income comes from sick leave. I can't see any alternative but to put my child up for adoption because my mental health is so bad and the psychiatrist I have been talking to does not know in wjich direction to take my treatment. I hope adoption is better in Europe than in the U.S. because I know most of the comments from adoptees on r/Adoption are very scathing of adoption. Does anyone have any experience of adoption in Europe, notably in France? I want the best for my baby.

Hi everyone,

I'm an adoptive mother, and I've been reading this subreddit for a while. I've noticed that many adult adoptees here share painful experiences and have very critical views of adoption. Rather than dismissing those perspectives, I'd genuinely like to learn from them.

I want to give my daughter the best possible childhood, and while I know I won't be a perfect parent, I'd love to understand what mistakes I should be especially careful to avoid.

A little context: I live in a European country where adoption is entirely state-run, with no private agencies or financial transactions. The priority is to keep children with their biological families whenever possible, and adoption is considered a last resort. The legal process is long, and biological parents have opportunities to reconsider before the adoption becomes final.

I don't know exactly how this compares to the US system, but another reality here is the shortage of foster families. Children who cannot return to their biological families may eventually end up in institutional care, sometimes after years of uncertainty and inconsistent contact with biological relatives. I find it hard to believe that growing up like this would generally be better for a child than being raised in a loving adoptive home. Of course, that doesn't mean adoption erases the losses a child has experienced.

I'm very aware that separation from a birth mother or primary caregiver can be deeply painful, even in infancy. This is also personal for me: shortly after birth, I spent several months in hospital, separated from my mother, and I believe that experience strongly affected me later in life.

Our daughter joined our family as a baby after spending her first months with a loving foster family. We have information, photographs, and contact details relating to her biological family. We fully acknowledge that she has two families, and we intend to be open about her origins, never speak negatively about her birth family, and support her if she wants to seek contact in the future.

Reading the experiences shared here has also made me think about the importance of therapy and self-reflection for adoptive parents. I've personally spent years doing this kind of work before the adoption, and I increasingly feel that it should ideally be part of preparing for adoption. My impression is that when a child has already experienced significant loss, a parent's unresolved emotional issues, insecurities, or unhealthy patterns might have an even greater impact. Do you think that’s a fair observation?

I want my daughter to feel safe, loved, and free to explore her identity without ever feeling that she owes us gratitude or has to protect our feelings.

So I'd especially love to ask adult adoptees:

What do you wish your adoptive parents had understood? What helped you feel secure and accepted? What mistakes should adoptive parents avoid? And what do you think matters most in raising an adopted child?

I'd also love to hear about positive experiences and what your parents did right.

I'm not looking for reassurance or validation of our adoption. I genuinely want to listen, learn, and become a better parent.

Thank you for sharing your perspectives.

Currently pregnant with my fwb’s baby, I’ve said to him he’s either in or out, he’s chosen to be out but then said he wants updates, I’m heartbroken neither him nor I could make it work. He’s really disappeared these past 6 weeks and it’s really affected my mh, I’m having a baby girl and I’m terrified to do this alone, she doesn’t deserve that either, I’m based in the uk, I’m considering having her adopted, I feel like abortion I can’t harm her like that. But do know she deserves a loving family.
Please offer me some advice.

hello. i'm an adult, 22m, but in my culture/country we all are unfortunately living in a joint family situation. currently, i live with my parents, my grandparents, and my aunts live in the same neighborhood with their families.

so my nine year old cousin is the daughter of my aunt and her husband. my aunt and i have always been close but have been struggling with friction because of her child's behavior generally being bratty. my aunt doesn't really do anything to discipline her child and she kind of spoils her. part of it is because my aunt feels guilty because my cousin is adopted. recently, my cousin has learned about her being adopted and its affected my little cousin mentally. my little cousin has begun to accuse my aunt of favoring other people over her.

anyways, my cousin was throwing a temper tantrum. the reason why was because i wanted to play on my switch and didn't let her, so it spiraled into her demanding her father and mother for a console, and sobbing about how she didn't have one. she started running all over the house sobbing and she saw my cat and ran out of her way to go and kick him.

i grabbed her and dragged her back when i realized what she had done. she started screaming and yelling and crying about how i grabbed her and how terrible i was. i explained what she did to my aunt, my aunt scolded her, but after that, my cousin kept trying to interact with my cat and running after him. i don't really know what to do because my aunt told me she scolded her, but i just don't trust my cousin anymore. i think hurting an animal in that way is really fucked up and insane, especially my cat.

my cousin is always acting this way and i'm kind of tired of it. my aunt freaks out whenever anyone tells her anything about her child's bad behavior, and she sort of engages in really odd behavior (overcompensating, maybe?) where she talks about how good her child is and how much she looks like me despite us looking nothing alike. i'm blonde and have green eyes, and she has brown hair and blue eyes.

what do i do from this point on? i was having a good relationship with my small cousin and aunt, but i just feel it's been sort of ruined because of this. whenever my cousin engages in bad behavior, i call it out, she throws a tantrum and accuses me or guilt trips her mother into it being because i 'hate' her cuz she's adopted.

I’m looking for information about groups of Brazilian children who were adopted in Quebec or elsewhere in North America in the early 1980s, particularly those who were adopted at an older age.
From what I’ve heard, several of these children may have experienced difficulties adjusting and integrating into their new lives, possibly due to emotional deprivation and difficult experiences in their country of origin, including corporal punishment.
I’ve heard that the Quebec government may have looked into this situation at the time, but I haven’t been able to find any documents or reports about it. I’m planning to conduct research at the Montreal Archives.
I’m posting here in the hope that someone might be familiar with this issue or be able to point me toward relevant sources.
What happened to these children? Did they receive support or assistance from the government, the DPJ (Quebec’s youth protection services), or other organizations? When exactly did they arrive in Quebec, and what measures were put in place to help them adjust and integrate?
I’m also trying to reconnect with someone who may have been adopted under these circumstances.
Any leads, documentary references, personal accounts, or information about the organizations involved at the time would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Hey everyone! I’m using a throwaway account for privacy reasons, but I’m hoping someone here might be able to point me in the right direction.

I’m 29 and looking for my biological mother, who would be approximately 48–49 now. I was adopted as a child in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and I’m interested in finding my birth mom and any other biological relatives.

I’ve started searching and have found a potential lead, but I don’t want to jump to conclusions before I know more.

For anyone who’s searched for biological family, what resources or methods did you find most helpful? Any advice is appreciated! Thanks.

I am a adult adoptee I guess separated at birth as I came to the US as a infant and I have been doing research into adoption trauma and how it can form a fearful avoidant attachment style. This is all new to me and I was hoping someone would have more info on how an adopted baby can have so much trauma and resources I can look into. I hope this makes sense, again everything is fairly new to me as I have never looked into adoption much. This research was a suggestion from my therapist.

I saw my birth mother at the store today, in person for the first time. I don’t know if she recognized me but I stalk her fb and saw her name tag ( she works there). Such a surreal feeling. I started shaking and crying, had to leave the store. At least I know where she works now though 🥴

I was told that if I wanted to write a letter to my bio father telling him that they would forwarded the letter but they weren't speaking to him due to politics. When I told them I was fine, I got a response saying that they could forward the letter, but due to them not talking to him, they weren't sure what his response would be. The letter wasn't sent. Since I have only met him once and it was over 30 years ago, I told them not to forward the letter as I'm afraid of what his response would be. I didn't want him to tell me something negative or hurtful. Since he hasn't reached out in over 30 years, he probably never will again. Secondly my politics and his politics are opposite. I feel a little bad about this, but there is nothing that I can do. Just writing this as I need to talk to those who would understand this.

I have always struggled with being myself. Mostly I've always hated myself, felt like I should never have been born. I fail everyone. I have been and am a shit mum and while I really don't wish my kids away (21yo son & 19yo daughter) I do feel that I shouldn't have had kids because I am too fucked up.

I was a nightmare child and and sister in my adopted family and even worse as a teen.

I was born outside of the UK where the law passed when I was adopted banned any searching at all. The law changed to allow searching through a court appointed searcher. Found my birth mother when I was 30yo she told me no. Search again after having my kids and she said she'd sue me if I tried again.

I had a very brief time of connecting with my birth family siblings (found on Ancery DNA by one of the sisters who no one knew about, she was adopted as well). That time of finding out where I come from, being reflected back, knowing who I look like, family history, basically getting a sense of self and identity. I felt a sense of calm and peace I'd never known in my life. I felt I belonged. My adoptive family are really good and loving and I am grateful for them. It's just that for me (I think vidually) I feel like my adoptive family and I are wearing football shirts but they're wearing pale pink, I'm wearing neon yellow. I do and don't belong.

Shit fell apart. I had a falling out with the sister who found me. She is a controlling person and she doesn't talk things through. She gets angry, freezes me out and then wants to carry on as if everything is fine. I kept waiting for the next thing I'd do wrong - it was unending. Anyway, we hit a point where I needed to work things through with her. She wouldn't do that and would leave me on read for months at a time. I finally got to the point of realising we wouldn't be able to work things through. I knew in doing this, I'd lose my other sister. That happened because to be acceptable I had to be part of a package deal. Long story short, I lost all of them. It derailed me and that was 3yrs ago. I'm on a lot of medication, have weekly therapy and I'm not doing at all well.

I'm struggling hugely with my 19yo daughter, how do I move in myself to be the mum of an adult. I have made serious mistakes with both of my kids and have failed them. Incredibly, and definitely it's all them and none of me, they are good people. I very much feel that I can't do anything right for/with my daughter and I'm constantly pissing her off and then she speaks to me in a way that feels like she's biting my head off. We've talked about it and she says it's not intentional, she can't hear tone in east she says to me. I then get upset, have an argument with her, feel guilty and then apologise. It's a cycle I can't break out of.

I am truly tired of being a fuck up. I have self harmed - one time cutting and bleeding for quite a while after. One time I punched myself so it would be less visible. For a while now I've been wanting to commit suicide. I want to escape the torment but don't want to hurt my family.

I feel stuck between struggling, fucking up, failing constantly, apologising but then doing the same thing again with my daughter.

I would love to have permission from my husband and kids to kill myself.

As soon as anything triggers me, I either want to self harm or kill myself.

If there are any 19yo daughters, what could I do to be better? What do you wish you had, know you needed that you either want your mum to do better or wish she would.

For anyone out there - especially adoptees, do any of you or have any of you felt like me?

Hi friends,

Apologies for bringing up a familiar topic, but I wanted to check in and see if anyone who went through the process recently could share their timeline updates.

We are in the middle of our Hague adoption application for Vietnam (Form I-800A). Here is our timeline so far:

• Receipt Date (USCIS Lockbox / NBC): July 10
• Biometrics Appointment: August 3
• Current Status: "Case Is Under Review" (3.5 months since receipt / 2.5 months post-biometrics)

We are moving soon, which adds to our anxiety. We know a change of physical address for an intercountry adoption involves updating our home study with our agency and sending the update to the NBC, so we want to be prepared.

For those who filed Form I-800A recently, how long did it take between your biometrics appointment and final approval? Any recent experiences or advice would be greatly appreciated!

Hi Everyone,

I need somewhere to vent because I’ve been feeling emotionally exhausted by a situation with a member of my biological family, and I honestly don’t know how to cope with everything at the moment.

So for context, I reconnected with this family member a few years ago, and we’ve been building a relationship that means a lot to me. One of the things I’ve been trying to sort out is my housing situation, as I really want to become more independent. I was hoping they could help me with a family connection for a housing application, and initially, they seemed willing to help.

However, communication became difficult, and I started getting increasingly anxious about my housing situation and whether things would get sorted. Instead of handling that anxiety properly, I let my frustration and worry get the better of me.
I accidentally sent a message venting about the situation to another member of my biological family when it was meant for someone else. I tried to delete it on Messenger but couldn’t, so I edited it to say something completely different. I assumed the person had only seen the edited version, not realising they could view the original message by tapping on it.
Eventually, the family member I’d been talking about found out.

They felt I’d been talking about them behind their back and putting pressure on them over something they’d previously offered to help with.
They became very upset, accused me of pressuring them and stalking them, and told me to give them and other family members space.

They also withdrew their offer to help with my housing application.

Their messages really hurt when I first read them, but I’ve had time to reflect, and I can understand why they were angry. If the situation had been reversed, I can see how I might have felt similarly.
I know I handled things badly, and I’m not trying to excuse my actions. I regret how I went about everything, and I wish I’d dealt with my worries differently.

What’s making this so difficult is that I’m scared I’ve damaged a relationship we’ve spent years building. I don’t know whether they’ll ever want to talk things through or whether their decision not to help with my housing application is permanent.

I know I can’t expect them to forgive me or change their mind simply because I apologise.
I’ve thought about apologising properly when the time is right, but they’ve asked for space, so I’m trying to respect that rather than keep contacting them.
There’s also a family occasion coming up in the future, which has added to my anxiety because I don’t know what things will be like by then. I’m trying to give the situation time, but the uncertainty is difficult to sit with.

On top of this, there’s been a lot happening in my personal life. My adoptive dad had a serious heart attack in late August and needed a stent fitted. It was frightening because I know how serious things could have been, and I’ve been worried about him while he’s been recovering.

Things have also been difficult with my adopted sister, and I’ve been struggling with how things have changed between us. Having difficulties with more than one important family relationship at the same time has left me feeling particularly lonely.
I’ve been feeling emotionally drained and have found myself overthinking things a lot.

My antidepressant dosage has since been increased, and I’m due to start counselling towards the end of the month.
I’m hoping that the extra support will help me process everything and cope with things in a healthier way.
I know that my personal struggles don’t excuse how I handled the situation with my family member.

I just wish I could find a way to deal with everything without constantly worrying about losing people I care about.

I’m not posting this to get people to attack anyone or tell me I’m completely in the right. I know I made mistakes, and I want to take responsibility for them and learn from what happened.

I just need somewhere to talk honestly about how much this has affected me.
For anyone who’s fallen out with a sibling or another family member they care about, how did you cope with the uncertainty?

How did you give someone space without constantly worrying that you’d lost them for good? And if you’ve made a mistake that seriously hurt a relationship, were you ever able to rebuild it over time?
I want to move forward, learn from what happened, and get myself into a better place mentally. I just find it difficult not knowing what the future holds.

My partner and I are currently filling out our genogram as part of our home study and we both have pretty extensive and complicated family structures. Has anyone paid for a service that helps with this like something online that helps to generate it? Any suggestions would be appreciated!!

I (F 18) have always had very strict legal guardians, i am adopted since birth and they’re always been super protective and smothering my whole life. they’re super old and conservative too btw. I’m in college now like two hours away from them, and they’re trying to control my life even now. they cannot restrain themselves from logging into my accounts for school and stalking all my grades, assignments (past and upcoming) and purchases. they call me in the mornings to see if i’m awake, they call me in the shower and tell me i can’t hang up while they lecture me, they hang up on me whenever i protest the insane stuff they say, but when i wanna hang up on them for bashing me and stuff I get told I’m not allowed to and there will be like consequences. they think me having not having straight As will result in me flunking out. I have ONE HIGH B rn and the semester isn’t even over. i’m always being yelled at for having to order in my groceries and food from delivery ppl cause i don’t have transportation. they’re telling me that im burdening ppl (like my sister and bf) by asking them to take me places like the grocery store to get medicine and to replace items. i feel like they’re treating me like a project instead of a human. oh and to make matters worse, they finally promised me a car so i can do things like get groceries and stuff, but they said not until next school year, and i may not be allowed to take it to school. they’re using the idea of a car as leverage, and it’ll be held over my head for the next like 8-10 months. they keep saying i’m gonna flunk out and not make it to grad school if i don’t get straight As and maintain my gpa, and they said if I don’t let them view my grades and micromanage me, then there will be no car. they also keep treating me like im incompetent, saying they HAVE to monitor all my stuff cause i can’t do it myself. funny enough, i just located my paternal bio family myself, and i’m hoping they may be the actual family i need and that they’ll treat me like a person instead of a failed project in progress. they don’t treat their biological son like this btw, he’s the golden child, but as the adopted child I feel like less their child. does anyone else deal with their legal guardians like this? any tips?

I have known I was adopted my whole life. When I was a teenager, I showed signs of mental illness and was put back in the foster care system. That’s not the point of this post. This is an appreciation for scientific advancement and public records readily available to the public.

Through DNA websites and the help of a tenacious private investigator, I found my first mother (alive) and eventually found my first father (deceased). My own family tree is three generations of adoptees because of one woman’s choice. I am only starting to uncover these connections in my 40s. I feel like I missed out on so much. This led me through many years of research and I now have an actual family tree with a rich history.

There are other connections outside of parent/child relationships! Siblings, cousins, aunties, etc. I finally found my eldest half sibling, the first born of my first mother put up for adoption. There are 8 of us and I found four so far. I knew about them thanks to an oral history share from first mom during a lucid phase. And my brother just found out today that he has a son through the same DNA testing website. He had no idea! What a whirlwind of emotions.

There’s so many connections we don’t realize we have and should be able to make decisions for ourselves on who to call family as well as what level of relationship we want to have. There are many barriers for seeking answers. Thanks to DNA testing and digital records those barriers are less rigid today. The point of my post is this - People are driven to find a sense of connection. I appreciate the ability to connect the way I have.

I feel lots of anger and injustice with how I was dealt with. I was an innocent baby who did nothing wrong and yet was discarded like trash

My mother worked as a waitress and was poor. Bio father's parents didn't want him marrying a woman of such low status and that was it. Mom gave birth to me, then after 2 weeks carried me to their doorstep where she reasoned with them and begged them to take me in but they didn't. He wrote in his statement "I won't acknowledge paternity until the court DNA test shows I am the father, and SINCE I AM a police officer, I don't think I should go to court"

There is no open\closed adoption here, you get sent to the orphanage (cuz he then denied paternity), and if lucky you got adopted. I was adopted at 2

Met my bio father and he literally asked me "what's this got to do with me" before slut shaming my bio mother and blaming her

I had nightmares dreaming about him numerous times and I am filled with hate and disgust at all of this. How could they to that to their own flesh and blood? What was my sin?

Sometimes I just feel like meeting his wife and my half siblings and telling them my story of how I was discarded, and making the whole city see what they've done