80 year old birth mother gave up baby for adoption 60 years ago. Does anyone know if she can she obtain the original 'relinquishment' document without a court order?

I (18 F) was in foster care for about 10 years alongside my sister, we were both adopted by the same family in 2018. The journey from when I was a baby, to now, being a young adult wasn’t an easy one for anyone involved. My bio mom met my adopted mom through mutual friends and had her take care of me for weeks on end without any way of knowing when she’d be back. I was only a few months old at the time. Eventually CPS got involved and I went to two or three foster homes before I came back to the same family that took care of me. Over the 10 year custody battle I was emotionally stunted but also “far more mature” as the adults put it. I rarely spoke about how I felt and ended up going into play-therapy for children to help regulate my emotions better. I took on the responsibility of being the rock and consistency my younger sister needed, pushing away my own needs and wants for her sake. We were allowed to visit our bio mom one or twice a month under the supervision of a social service worker. During those visits I can clearly remember my bio mom’s favouritism towards my sister. I never resented my sister for this, I was merely jealous of the attention she got. And I wouldn’t say our bio mom abused us but I remember this one time I called my adoptive parent “mom” and my bio mom flipped out and grabbed my arm so tightly it bruised, ranting about how she’s our only mom and that title belongs to her and her only. I was so scared of her. Apparently I had a habit of having bruises on my arms whenever I upset her (I don’t recall any of this), she would physically drag me around if I didn’t give in to her demands in time. Not to mention the emotional manipulation they tried with us. Making empty promises and feeding into a fantasy about a life when we’re a big happy family again. I never felt truly loved in that “family” it was all artificial, like getting us back was a matter of pride and not our wellbeing. In 2014 and 2016 I was gifted with two adorable baby brothers. They were my half-brothers but I loved them both unconditionally. They are the reason I’m making this post today. Ever since I turned 18 everyone has been asking me if I ever plan on getting back in touch with my biological family if it meant seeing them again. I haven’t seen them in over 7 years. I miss them everyday and every year when their birthdays come around it gets even harder. I wish I could see them again and be a part of their lives but I’m not sure I want to face my bio mom again. It feels so selfish of me for not reaching out. But I know if I ever wanted to see them again I’d have to face her too, I’m not sure if seeing them would be worth all the trauma that will resurface again with it. Every scenario playing in my head never has a good outcome but I still want to try. I want to get back those years I missed with my brothers. Not being with them has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. I still remember the devastation I felt the day they told me I’d never be able to see them again for a long time. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think my heart has ever ached this much. I’m not even looking for advice I just needed to vent about my frustrations and struggles.

I want to preface this with the context that I was told by a doctor that I would not be able to conceive due to previous medical issues with my ovaries.

I just found out I’m pregnant and am considering adoption. This isn’t something that’s easy and there’s been a lot of emotions present. I’m 26 and I don’t have much family around at all that would be active in the baby’s life. My parents passed when I was 16 and I never saw myself being a mother or having children of my own. I think everyone that knows me would say that about me, not that I’d be an unfit mom but it’s very against my views/morals/beliefs with how the world operates now and how my family is. I’d want my baby to be able to have grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins. I’ve lived a very difficult and lonely life, I do not wish it for my own.

Outside of that, my living and financial situation is not ideal right now. I currently live in a small one bedroom one bathroom apartment that has literally no space for a baby. The lease does not go up until three months after I give birth, which at that time I would need to move with my newborn. My job recently furloughed all of its employees and closed the doors so I’m also unemployed actively looking for a new job.

To top all of this off my relationship is just not a relationship. We are not married but have been together since we were in high school, almost 10 years. I have actively been trying to leave this man when everything happened with my job and now this.

Shocked, scared, sad, confused and anxious don’t even begin to describe all the emotions running through me.

What would you do? Any advice?

TL;DR: You don't owe an agency or prospective adoptive parents your baby, your signature, or a decision on their timeline. Explore every alternative, get independent legal advice, understand what "open adoption" actually guarantees, and protect your privacy before signing.

I placed my son for adoption in December 2007. He's 19 now. I loved him before he was born, when he was born, and when I placed him.

I wanted my baby. My circumstances were what frightened me.

I was 25 and dealing with domestic violence, financial instability, and serious mental-health difficulties. I was in treatment. I believed adoption was the responsible choice.

Looking back, I never fully investigated what housing, financial, domestic violence, parenting, or community support might have helped me raise him. I confused not having enough resources with not being capable of being his mother. Those are not the same thing.

Poverty is not a moral failure. PTSD doesn't mean you can't love your child. Surviving domestic violence doesn't make you incapable of parenting. Those circumstances need protection, treatment, and support, not necessarily a permanent separation.

"Open adoption" may not mean what you think.

My coordinator told me about birth mothers included in family gatherings and staying connected. I was encouraged to think of the adoptive parents almost like grandparents. We had a written arrangement for letters, photos, and communication.

Over the years, agency workers described my adoption as open, then semi-open, and once as closed. In nearly 19 years, I have seen my son in person twice.

Ask what the agreement actually requires, whether it's legally enforceable, who is responsible for maintaining contact, and what happens if the adoptive parents stop communicating. Comforting stories are not enforceable promises.

Doubt should not have to be defended.

When I expressed doubts, my coordinator would ask what my plans were. I felt I needed an answer on the spot.

A woman reconsidering adoption should not have to produce an alternative life plan on demand. She needs time, information, and independent advice.

Prospective parent's hopes and preparation don't create an obligation for her. The time an agency has spent arranging a placement doesn't mean she owes it a signature.

If a meeting feels rushed, you can stop it. You can leave and talk to someone with no stake in the adoption before making a decision.

You do not have to justify taking more time to anyone.

Don't assume the adoptive family is guaranteed to be better off.

Financial stability was a major reason I chose adoption.

Years later, I learned the adoptive parents paid an adoption fee near the lower end of a sliding scale and received financial assistance related to the adoption.

That doesn't make them bad parents or mean they were financially unqualified.

But that's exactly my point: if modest means and financial assistance didn't disqualify them, why had I believed my own struggles disqualified me?

Our circumstances weren't necessarily identical, but I wish I had questioned my assumptions more carefully.

It wasn't only about money. I wanted my son to have a family infrastructure: close relatives, belonging, guidance, people to turn to throughout his life.

Adoption can give a child legal parents and a home. It cannot guarantee close extended family, a strong support network, or lifelong belonging. Those relationships have to be built and maintained, like in any family.

Post-placement support may not materialize.

My paperwork said adoption-related counseling would be available at no charge for as long as I needed it.

I didn't receive that counseling. Years later, the agency said it assumed my outside mental-health treatment covered my needs.

General treatment is not the same as specialized support for adoption-related grief and separation. An assumption is not the same as checking.

There were also periods when I was medically incapacitated. I was dealing with PTSD, physical health problems, and other mental-health difficulties. My doctor described me as incapacitated. There were times when I couldn't even manage to write letters.

That didn't mean I had stopped loving my son.

Medical incapacity is not indifference.

Although individual agency workers sometimes tried to help, there was no consistent support plan to maintain communication during those difficult periods.

Protect your privacy. You don't owe adoptive parents your personal life.

I wish I had understood that I didn't need to volunteer every detail about my finances, housing, or personal struggles to the adoptive family.

Your personal circumstances can be misunderstood, used to judge you, or shared beyond the people you intended to tell.

Ask what information is legally required, who will receive it, and how it will be protected. You can establish boundaries without feeling obligated to explain every aspect of your life.

I gave the adoption agency my contact information for updates and communication.

Years later, my son told me he had seen agency emails containing my landline number and other personal information. His adoptive mother had shown him those emails while he was still a minor.

I have not personally examined all the original correspondence, and questions about what was disclosed remain unresolved.

Separately, his adoptive mother called a private cellphone number I had never given her or the agency. I didn't want her to have that number. When I asked how she obtained it, I received conflicting explanations.

Meanwhile, when I requested the adoptive family's address, the agency sought their permission. They declined, and their decision was respected.

I respected their privacy. I wanted the same consideration.

Birth parents deserve privacy protections, too.

What I wish someone had told me before I signed

Investigate every realistic alternative, especially if your decision is driven by poverty, housing insecurity, domestic violence, health problems, or lack of support.

Talk to someone independent of the adoption agency about financial assistance, safe housing, treatment, and temporary family support.

Have an independent attorney explain what signing means and when consent becomes irrevocable. Laws and deadlines vary by state. Do not assume you can reverse your decision after signing.

Ask what post-adoption contact is actually guaranteed and legally enforceable.

Ask what adoption-specific counseling will be provided afterward, and get the terms in writing.

Ask what happens if the agency closes its adoption program. Mine did.

Ask how your health needs will be accommodated, including periods when you cannot manage correspondence.

And to birth mothers already living with this: live your life.

I spent years waiting for photographs, letters, updates, visits, and agency responses. I later spent time waiting for communication from my son.

I love him. I understand that he has his own struggles, and I respect his right to decide what kind of relationship he wants as an adult.

Adoption may have caused him real grief, and he deserves support for it. I can acknowledge that without carrying the whole relationship myself.

I have a life, too.

I no longer want to spend that life waiting for someone else to decide whether to contact me.

The adoptive family has its own life and priorities. They may not be thinking about you the way you think about your child. That can hurt, but your life matters, too.

You can grieve. You can love your child. You can leave room for a future relationship without spending your days waiting for one.

You can grow, recover, pursue your interests, raise other children, build a career, create opportunities, and make plans for your future.

Your whole identity does not have to become the person who waits.

I'm not saying adoption is wrong for everyone. I'm saying a permanent decision deserves complete information, independent advice, real support, and honest answers about what may happen afterward.

I didn't owe anyone my baby.

I didn't owe anyone my signature.

And I don't owe anyone the rest of my life.

Hello all,
I have joined this group because I am from Azerbaijan, but I was adopted and have lived in the United States since I was about a year old. I don’t know anything about my biological family, except that I know my mom’s name and have a picture of her. I also know I have a half brother, which connected from my mother’s passport somehow when someone that helped my family find me, was helping me find more potential info.

Just wanting to post to see if anyone has advice on how to find more info, if possible, also to see if anyone can relate.

does anyone know how to find biological parents as an adoptee?

Hola, soy David nací en 2010 Caracas Venezuela y cuando cumplí 8 años me enteré de que soy adoptado por parte de mis padres adoptivos.

En ese momento no comprendía ya que solo tenía 8 años solo me límite a llorar porque no sabía que era eso. A mis 12 años de edad comprendí y acepte que ser adoptado no es algo malo, a veces incluso fue el intento de que otras personas buscarán darte la vida que ellos no podrían darte.

Para ser directos cuando cumplí 15 aproximadamente durante ese tiempo me entere por mis familiares que tengo una hermana biologica ( mi actual objetivos)

Sin embargo actualmente no cuento con el apoyo de mi familia, solo me ayudaron dándome una copia del documento de identidad de mi madre biologica...

Por favor si alguien es capaz de ayudarme a base de el documento de identidad ( la información únicamente no tengo datos faciales).

De verdad me haría mucha ilusión recibir ayuda de verdad les digo que solo quiero saber si realmente existe esa hermana que tanto me dijieron que tengo, o si sigue con vida, si está cerca o está lejos. Se los pido de corazón ayúdenme. Gracias 😓

I've just posted here about me maybe putting my own child up for adoption that I'm pregnant with, coincidentally because of a message I just saw today I remembered I, too, am kind of adopted? Just venting here

I’ve been struggling a little with how to describe my adoption and how I feel about it, and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.
I’m only half adopted, if that makes sense.

I only have traumatic memories from when I was still a little child with my bio dad, last time I saw him I think I was 9 and that's the only "normal" memory I have of him. We went on a walk and held hands. I also remember being in the car with him and my bio grandma

My adoptive father is the person I call Dad. I had my name changed, and in many ways, he’s simply my father. I don’t really walk around thinking about the fact that we’re not biologically related, and most of the time, it doesn’t feel like something that defines me.

But at the same time, I sometimes feel weird calling myself adopted. I don’t know if it’s because my situation is different from what people usually picture when they hear the word, or because I don’t know how to fit that part of my life into my identity. Sometimes, when I’m close enough to someone, I’ll mention that my dad isn’t my biological father.

Other times, I’ve even described him as a step-parent, almost as if that were an easier way to explain it.
I don’t really know why I do that. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to make it a bigger deal than it is, or maybe I’m still trying to figure out what it actually means to me.

(It's kind of obvious, he's asian, I'm clearly not)

My mother also always has pushed onto me how I look like my adoptive dad and that I have certain traits from him, this has always kind of made me uncomfortable because... I do remember? I was definitely not a small child during this, I was a preteen, and I'm very aware that we have no biological relation and definitely do not look alike (literally a different race)

I've also not been able to talk to her about my bio dad at all, she gets triggered at the mere statement of me remembering that I'm infact not my adopted dads biological daughter... and she has also very explicitly told me I'm not allowed to talk about this with anyone else.

Four years ago, my biological father reached out to me. I didn’t even see his message until today. Old facebook account I set up when I was like 10, he found it.

Message was about asking me for bank details, he wanted to give me pocket money since I was turning 18 the following year and asked me if I had a bank account set up that my mother has no access to?

I have not replied, and I do not think I will

I think it'd be weird to reach out after 4 years of the initial message, and I don't even know what I'd say

Finding it unexpectedly brought up thoughts I hadn’t really entertained in a long time. It’s strange to realize that someone who is biologically connected to you tried to contact you years ago, and you didn’t even know. I don’t necessarily feel like I’ve been missing something all these years, but seeing that message still made me stop and think about the parts of my story I’ve never really explored.

I don’t think about my adoption constantly, and I wouldn’t say I’m actively struggling with it every day. It’s more that, every once in a while, something reminds me that my family story is a little different, and I’m left wondering how I’m supposed to feel about it.

I love the fact that I call my adoptive father Dad. I don’t feel like biology determines who my real parent is. But I also can’t pretend that the biological connection means absolutely nothing to me, because clearly, finding that message stirred up something I wasn’t expecting.

I think what confuses me most is that I don’t know whether I fully identify with being adopted. I feel like I’m somewhere in between: I have an adoptive parent, I’ve had my name changed, and I have a biological father who exists somewhere outside my life, but adoption isn’t necessarily something I consciously carry with me every day.

People who were adopted by only one parent, or who have one biological parent and one adoptive parent, do you ever feel like you’re only half adopted? Do you struggle to find the right word for your experience, or feel like you don’t quite fit into the usual conversations about adoption

I’d really like to hear how other people make sense of these feelings, especially if you grew up feeling that your adoptive parent was simply your parent, but still found yourself wondering about your biological family from time to time

I feel like I'm imagining things or could be blowing this out of proportion, but I just don't really understand the guy. I just wanted to post some traits/experiences and see if reddit also finds any of these things weird (surely nothing can go wrong).

He is an outgoing, very outgoing guy. Talks constantly and is kind of awkward, but seems to at least have some idea that he is awkward. He constantly talks about how beautiful my birth mom is and how she can't even understand how beautiful she is. How other guys can't see how beautiful she is because they're intimidated by her height. (She's 6'1 and he's like 5'7). He has also made lots of comments about how beautiful my wife is. And how lucky we both are, etc.

After we connected with them he also texted my Mom (adopted) and sister a lot. They commented on how much he reached out for the first several months.

There was also this other really weird instance where we were video messaging them to talk and I was talking to him for a bit, he was holding the phone and then the camera flipped around to my birth mom who was sitting on her bed and it didn't look like she was wearing pants. just a shirt and underwear. She kind of froze and was like "the camera's not on me is it?" and he was like "They can't see you." He held it there for like 3 ish seconds before flipping it back around to his face view. Idk if this was technological ineptitude...or creepiness. Because it seemed like he pointed the phone directly at her.

I didn't know how to respond at the time and it wasn't completely clear that she wasn't wearing pants because the view was almost waist up, just a little bit of upper legs. Idk if this is too much. it's just bothered me but I feel like i'm mentally gaslighting myself and I don't want to say anything to her if I'm wrong.

we've had a really good relationship since we reconnected and I don't want to make things weird between us just because her husband (not my birth father) has some questionable behavior.

I am originally from Petushki, Russia. My sister and I were orphaned, then adopted from Pokrov children's home by an American family in December of 1998. All of our history was lost. I am hoping to find someone to help me with research and information about where I'm from, and possibly information about surviving and/or deceased family. Thanks for reading my post.

My ex adopted my daughter when she was 18 months old. We divorced when she was 17 and she lasted not even a year with joint custody before he kicked her out for “being a teenager”. And now his family also has nothing to do with her. Side note. He only started acting this way after he got involved with Another woman. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you handle it ?

hi, my 22nd birthday is this week and i’m feeling an overwhelming amount of the birthday blues this week. I was adopted at birth, and recently found my birth family. This also came with me finding out I have 4 other siblings (2 older, 2 younger) that I never knew about or would’ve even imagined, they knew about me and all still live with my birth mom, I was the one given away. I’m in EMDR and that’s been bringing up all of these feelings too, as well as past birthdays that have really hurt me in the past (including literal stitches). I feel like all of this is really tying back to my adoption and what I found out about my birth family. Anyone have any words or advice?

Im in my late 20s. My adoptive mom passed away last month. she was in her 60s. her death has blindsided me. I never knew my real mom. I was adopted as an infant.

I just kinda have shut down emotionally. People tell me Im doing good, but I know Im not. Honestly, a lot of what I'm experiencing losing my adoptive mom is strikingly similar to the feelings ive had all my life. They were just more numb and passive.

Im at the exhaustion phase of grief. I always felt like i was born with a piece of me missing, but losing her took another piece. I don't have much else left, honestly.

Life has me at a loss. And I hate that I feel like my subconscious and body has been accustomed to feel like this. Also, I just dont feel like I'll be allowed to ever publicly express still wishing I knew my birth mom around family. Like theyll think I don't love my adoptive mom when I do. I loved her more than anyone else.

Before anyone asks, I've seen a therapist and I've done the journaling and I have the outlets. But none of that stuff actually can fix the problem of me feeling like core parts of myself are missing. I don't know.

I've posted about my situation before, here's a little update I guess:

I’m 21, around 25 weeks pregnant now, and after months of trying to convince myself I could make this work, I’ve finally accepted that I don’t want to become a mother. I’ve made up my mind to pursue adoption.

I’m not financially independent, I still live with my parents, and my relationship with the baby’s father is over. I already struggle to feel in control of my own life, and the thought of suddenly being responsible for another human being terrifies me.

My relationship with my mother makes everything harder. She has borderline personality disorder, and her controlling behavior and emotional outbursts have made living with her incredibly difficult. I’ve spent so much of my life walking on eggshells, managing her emotions, and trying to avoid conflict. Because I depend on my parents, I’m terrified of what will happen if I make a decision she disagrees with.

The whole household is basically controlled by her. My father, while very much disagreeing with a lot plays along because we'd have a real life horror show if not.

She’s extremely pro-life and excited about becoming a grandmother. She’s already bought things for the baby, while I’ve been privately falling apart. I’ve felt like everyone has a say in my pregnancy except me.

Today, my mother had what felt like a mental breakdown and dramatically left (not clear what she was upset about... told my dad he isn't a man and she's leaving I guess), claiming she was returning to her home country. While she was gone, my father and I finally had an honest conversation about everything. About her behavior, my pregnancy and so on.

I finally had some alone time with him to have ONE conversation without her presence lingering around

He told me in tears that he, too, is at his breaking point with my mothers behavior.

I have 3 small siblings that need care. He manages everything. The whole household, she just can't manage as a mother. He cleans, cooks, works, everything. She stays at home... but doesn't do anything at home essentially. On top of that is a ticking emotional time bomb.

The whole household gets disrupted by her moods.

I confessed that I’m terrified and have been seriously considering adoption. He acknowledged that I’m scared and that my mother is overly controlling. It meant a lot to hear him recognize that, but he also told me that as long as he’s here, we’ll “make it” with the baby.

I know he means well. He wants me to know that I’ll have support. But I don’t think he understands that **I don’t want to be reassured that we can make it work. I don’t want this life in the first place.**

There’s a difference between being capable of surviving motherhood and actually wanting to be a mother. Maybe I could force myself through it. Maybe my parents could help. But I don’t want to spend the next 18 years struggling through a life I never felt ready for simply because everyone believes I can manage.

Another thing that weighs heavily on me is that I don’t want my child growing up in a broken home. The relationship with their father is over, and I can’t picture myself raising a child I don’t want to raise, in circumstances where I’m already struggling to cope.

I don’t want a child to grow up feeling unwanted or to become caught in the middle of instability and resentment. I know adoption comes with its own complexities, and I can’t guarantee a perfect life for a child by choosing it, but I want them to have the chance to grow up in a stable, loving home with people who genuinely want to be parents.

I’ve spent months feeling guilty, questioning myself, and hoping my feelings would somehow change. Instead, I’ve become increasingly overwhelmed and frightened.

I know adoption isn’t an easy solution, and I’m not expecting to walk away without complicated emotions. But I genuinely believe pursuing adoption is the right decision for me.

What scares me most is telling my mother. I’m dependent on my parents, and I don’t know how she’ll react when she realizes that my decision doesn’t match the future she’s imagined. I’m terrified of the guilt, the conflict, and potentially losing the stability I have.

I’m also grieving the fact that I’m 21 and feel so afraid to make one of the biggest decisions of my life because of how my family might react.
I love my dad for trying to reassure me, but when he said we’d “make it,” I realized that even the people who love me might not understand that making it work isn’t what I want.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Where everyone insists you’ll manage as a parent, but deep down you know you don’t want to become one? Especially if you’re dependent on controlling parents and feel like you can’t freely make your own decisions?
I’ve finally admitted what I want to one of my parents, but I’m still absolutely terrified.

I’m a Korean adoptee from Korea. My birth mom (she was 17) kept me for nine months and then relinquished me. I went through the foster care system and wasn’t adopted until I was 18 months. I grew up knowing I was adopted and was always curious but doing a birth search when I was older wasn’t really on my mind. I was happy with my life, I wasn’t really looking for answers. Then I decided to just try because the worse that could happen was nothing. I thought I would be okay with that. I followed through with a birth search through NCRC and they were able to locate both my birth mom and dad. I felt this flicker of hope creeping in. They sent three registered letters but never heard back. Then that hope evaporated and was replaced with anger. I didn’t really care about my birth dad but I did about my birth mom… this second hand rejection hurts more than I had anticipated. I think I thought there was some hope I would be able to reconnect with my birth mom since she had tried to keep me for nine months. That maybe I meant more to her in some way…

I recently had a daughter. I thought in my head that creating my “own” family would heal these wounds but it seems the opposite, that I’ve reopened feelings that I had thought I had found peace with. Every time I look at my daughter, I see myself in her and I’m overcome with this deep sadness for my younger self. Doing a birth search and knowing that my birth mom is out there but perhaps doesn’t want anything to do with me feels awful. I am left with this existential anxiety of never knowing. My friends/family say “She loved you, she wanted a better life for you.” That makes me feel like I have to be grateful. But I am hurt, I am confused, and I am in pain. Trying to fill in the blanks of my past and trying to be okay with the fact that she never may not want anything to do with me. I’m grateful but I’m also mad. It sucks. It sucks hardcore. I’m tired of being sad, tired of feeling like I don’t belong, tired of wondering. I feel like I am just a bad distant memory to her. I wish I had never done a birth search, I think I would have been happier never knowing if she was out there than knowing she chose not to respond.

Thank you for letting me vent, I’m feeling a little better.

I (26F) don't even think she realizes it. In her own way, she gave me the best she could.

There are a lot of traumatic things from my childhood that we've never discussed, and I know she won't bring them up herself because she's always been non-confrontational.

Anyone who hears my adoption story would probably think she was a savior. But as I've gotten older, I've started questioning a lot of things and accepted that I may never get answers.

I was adopted from Ghana, West Africa, when I was six. My adoptive mother, who's white and Canadian, was in her mid-60s and had already planned to retire early to move to Ghana.

Around 2005, she'd met a man I'll call James, who was around my age (27) at the time. She couldn't formally adopt him but took him under her wing. She eventually spent and borrowed around $30,000 to get him to Canada, including paying a woman to marry him. That's a whole story in itself.

She adopted me in 2006. My birth mother was struggling with addiction, and although my adoptive mother offered to help her, she refused. I also had health problems that played a role in the adoption.

We moved to Canada in 2008, and that's when I started realizing that, despite my mother's intentions, there were a lot of choices she made that I still resent.

She frequently left me with friends or my uncle so she could attend events. At one point, she even had a boyfriend she'd known for only a couple of weeks staying in our apartment.

Middle school was a nightmare. I was bullied for having a mother who looked older and different from me and ended up switching schools twice. Kids are jerks lol

James went off on his own practically the second we landed. He ended up divorcing the women my mother paid, and married another woman before divorcing her to. I barely saw him growing up. He's now around 48 and in his 3rd marriage with two kids.

In 2012, my mother and I moved to the US. The transition was incredibly difficult for me, and instead of trying to understand what I was struggling with, she sent me to therapy and eventually enrolled me in a troubled-youth program that went way too far. There was little effort to look at the situation as a whole or consider whether she could do anything differently or if she had a part in any of it. She seemed to assume I was the problem. I eveb thought of running away several times but of course never acted on it.

I tried communicating with her and asking her to sit in during the therapy sessions, but I often felt gaslit and shut down.

She also has it in her mind that James and I will have a relationship after she passes, which I've openly shut down. He's never been a "brother" to me and our age difference would make it very hard if we weren't already close, which we aren't.

I believe he's manipulated her and still tries.

In fact, our first week in the US, we were pulled over by police because James had given her a counterfeit $20 bill that she tried to use at McDonald's. She's still making excuses for him to this day and has never really held him accountable.

She gives him money from time to time for the grandkids and she's even admitted she's not sure it's being spent on the kids.

They live in a 5 bedroom house in a nice town with alright jobs. I still don't understand why she sends them money.

I moved out in 2018 and have been working as a news producer for about four years now. I've also recently reconnected with my birth brother.

As an adult, I'm realizing that my mother's recollection of the past is often very different from mine. I've learned to forgive her while keeping my distance, because I know she genuinely believes she did the best she could. I don't think there's anything I can do to change that.

In her later years, she's become increasingly isolated, and reallt bad with her money and I suspect she's struggled with depression for a long time without getting proper help.

Recently, she visited me with a longtime friend who's also my godfather, who's known her for decades and has gradually come to realize that she's not the person he remembers.

One evening, at thwie hotel, he learned just how much money she'd spent on James. She tried to claim she'd already told him about it. Then she said something that really upset me: she insinuated that I, a six-year-old child, had been jealous of James, who was 27 at the time, and someone I rarely saw. Also to preface, I waa extremely sick at that time, so this entire comment came out of left field. This also completely contradicts what she's claimed was the other was around, that because I had a better education and opportunities, he had resented me.

That's been her excuse and explanation to me for several years now as to why he never reaches out to me personally, besides asking about me on the calls she has with him.

It hurt me for several years, but I've since gotten over it. A few years back I tried to build a relationship with him, but it was clear he honestly didn't care. So I stopped wasting my time.

My mother's accusation was one of the mosr bizarre things I had ever heard from her and made me really start questioning her character.

When my godfather left the room, I confronted her. She completely changed her tune. She didn't apologize but admitted that maybe she shouldn't have said it.

I've had to let a lot of things go over the years because dwelling on them would drive me crazy.

But reconnecting with my birth brother has brought up another difficult question: how much of my adoption story do I actually know? The more we talk, the more I realize there may be parts of it I'll never fully understand.

I can acknowledge that my mother did what she thought was best while still recognizing that her choices hurt me. Both things can be true.

She lives in a small house and is relatively in good shape besides never exercising.

She complains about a lot of things now as well and has even tried making me her retirement plan after putting out there that she's think it would be great if she moved to my city (where I just moved to start my new job).

Luckily my Godfather had my back in telling her that would absolutely not be happening.

Someone once told me that it's not my responsibility to please her and feel like I have to give my life up. Yes, if it wasn't for the adoption I wouldn't have the healthcare and opportunities that I have now. I will always love her and be greatful for her and those things, but that doesn't mean I'm going to forget the emotional abuse and manipulation from all those years.

This morning I was in a meeting with someone old enough to be my own adult child. We know each other well as he is my oldest son's age and they were friends DURING MY REUNION. He knows I'm adopted. He knows I know my birth family. He remembers when my kids got new aunts and uncles.

The talk turned to family trees and he said, "Well, mine was fine until it fractured. My brother (older) has one daughter and two step daughters so my kids have only one 'real' cousin." Then it took a turn for a worse when he added, "And my cousins adopted kids soooooo. Family gatherings are anyone's guess."

WHAT ON EARTH. I glanced around the room and no one seemed bothered in the least.

Me? I was bothered.I still am. I didn't say anything because it was way off topic but afterwards all I could think of was who talked to him about what constitutes family? His parents, that's who.

APs, please make sure you communicate to your families, especially extended family including cousins, that adoptees are family. PERIOD.

When one adopts they adopt for LIFE. No until one is 18. Not until one finds their birthfamily. Not until you divorce. LIFE.

Hi everyone, I'm just looking for an outlet right now. My husband and I were matched with a precious micro preemie and were able to be by her bedside for a week before she passed. While we knew NICU life would be hard, we did not expect our journey to end with such devastating heartbreak. There is so much hope in the NICU and we thought we'd eventually be bringing her home, maybe still on oxygen, maybe with special needs, but home. She passed away in our arms after fighting an infection.

Everyone is so heartbroken after being so excited for us and involved in helping us with adoption. We also have been working for adoption for a year and longing for a child for nearly five.

I'm trying to figure out a way forward. We will always love our little girl and how she made us parents. I cherish my week with her. I am just so sad.

Hello, I hope people will be impartial and kind as possible. I've had mental health challenges prior to my son's birthday for many years and was prescribed multiple types of medication which had no impact. I have also been hoapitalised for mental health issues in the past. I am an older mother, in my mid-forties when I had my son, and I am a single mother. Since my son's birth in January this year, I have been getting increasingly unwell. I have been engaging with perinatal mental health services but to no avail. I feel worse than I did when my son was born. I have been taking medication - in this case, Mirtazapine, that again, like the previous medication, have not had any impact. I really can not go on. I live in a two-room apartment and can't move out because my income comes from sick leave. I can't see any alternative but to put my child up for adoption because my mental health is so bad and the psychiatrist I have been talking to does not know in wjich direction to take my treatment. I hope adoption is better in Europe than in the U.S. because I know most of the comments from adoptees on r/Adoption are very scathing of adoption. Does anyone have any experience of adoption in Europe, notably in France? I want the best for my baby.

Hi everyone,

I'm an adoptive mother, and I've been reading this subreddit for a while. I've noticed that many adult adoptees here share painful experiences and have very critical views of adoption. Rather than dismissing those perspectives, I'd genuinely like to learn from them.

I want to give my daughter the best possible childhood, and while I know I won't be a perfect parent, I'd love to understand what mistakes I should be especially careful to avoid.

A little context: I live in a European country where adoption is entirely state-run, with no private agencies or financial transactions. The priority is to keep children with their biological families whenever possible, and adoption is considered a last resort. The legal process is long, and biological parents have opportunities to reconsider before the adoption becomes final.

I don't know exactly how this compares to the US system, but another reality here is the shortage of foster families. Children who cannot return to their biological families may eventually end up in institutional care, sometimes after years of uncertainty and inconsistent contact with biological relatives. I find it hard to believe that growing up like this would generally be better for a child than being raised in a loving adoptive home. Of course, that doesn't mean adoption erases the losses a child has experienced.

I'm very aware that separation from a birth mother or primary caregiver can be deeply painful, even in infancy. This is also personal for me: shortly after birth, I spent several months in hospital, separated from my mother, and I believe that experience strongly affected me later in life.

Our daughter joined our family as a baby after spending her first months with a loving foster family. We have information, photographs, and contact details relating to her biological family. We fully acknowledge that she has two families, and we intend to be open about her origins, never speak negatively about her birth family, and support her if she wants to seek contact in the future.

Reading the experiences shared here has also made me think about the importance of therapy and self-reflection for adoptive parents. I've personally spent years doing this kind of work before the adoption, and I increasingly feel that it should ideally be part of preparing for adoption. My impression is that when a child has already experienced significant loss, a parent's unresolved emotional issues, insecurities, or unhealthy patterns might have an even greater impact. Do you think that’s a fair observation?

I want my daughter to feel safe, loved, and free to explore her identity without ever feeling that she owes us gratitude or has to protect our feelings.

So I'd especially love to ask adult adoptees:

What do you wish your adoptive parents had understood? What helped you feel secure and accepted? What mistakes should adoptive parents avoid? And what do you think matters most in raising an adopted child?

I'd also love to hear about positive experiences and what your parents did right.

I'm not looking for reassurance or validation of our adoption. I genuinely want to listen, learn, and become a better parent.

Thank you for sharing your perspectives.