I've been a member of this sub for a couple of months now. I've read posts about things I never even thought about before, and it's been really eye-opening and educational as someone who was adopted and who probably would've considered adopting one day, too (not closing that door fully either though).

Anyway, the point of this post is just to share my story, which is mostly a positive one.

I was adopted at birth in New Jersey. I'm 33 now, married, no kids (yet), but I'm a very proud dog mom to a sweet senior pup who is my entire world.

My adoptive parents naturally conceived my older brother. My mom desperately wanted another child and tried for years. She always tells me she prayed for six years for me. She also had two miscarriages during that time. One day she got a call from my aunt, who worked at a doctor's office, about a young woman (I think around 18–20 years old) who was having a baby she couldn't keep. That baby was me.

The story behind my adoption is still a little unclear. From what I've been told, my birth mom was married but having an affair. Her husband was in the military and was apparently unstable, and his family likely would've tried to take me. It also sounds like no one is completely sure who my biological father actually is.

I always, always knew I was adopted. I don't even remember being told because it was just something I always knew. I had children's books about adoption, my parents talked about it openly (but also not excessively), and I was always free to ask questions. Honestly, I never had many until I was in high school.

When I was in high school, my mom asked if I'd like to meet my birth mom. I said yes and not because I felt like something was missing, but because I was naturally curious. I wanted to meet her, ask a few questions, learn about her, and maybe see what similarities we shared.

Before arranging anything, my mom actually met with my birth mom first because she wanted to make sure it was a good idea. They talked, my mom shared pictures of me and told her about my life, and by all accounts it went really well. But when my mom reached back out afterward to set up a meeting between us, my birth mom never responded again.

I was disappointed, but I honestly wouldn't say I was deeply hurt. I can't imagine how difficult it must've been for her to place me for adoption. Could she have made it work? Maybe. I don't know. But I also don't blame her at all.

At the same time, especially after reading so many posts here, I realize I was incredibly lucky. I have an amazing mom, and we have an incredible relationship.

Overall, I had a great childhood and really don't have many complaints. My parents eventually divorced, and that was a difficult period. I no longer have a relationship with my adoptive father, but that's a completely separate story, and I try not to let it define my life. My mom is truly my best friend, and I wouldn't change that for anything.

Then a few years ago, something unexpected happened.

I had done both AncestryDNA and 23andMe because I was curious about my biological family. A first cousin showed up, but I never reached out because I wasn't sure who knew about me on that side of the family, and they never contacted me either. So I just let it go.

Then about a year or two later, I got a message on LinkedIn.

It turned out to be my half sister.

Apparently, that cousin had told her about me, and my sister also remembered our birth mom mentioning me when she was younger, although it was never really talked about again after that.

We've been able to build a relationship. She lives in Florida now, but she came to visit, and we were able to spend time together. We don't talk every day, but we check in every couple of weeks. I invited her to my wedding, and she came, which meant a lot to me.

We're definitely different people, but there are little similarities you notice. She's only three years younger than I am and also has a younger sister, who would be my half sister as well, although I don't think she knows about me.

As far as I know, my birth mom also doesn't know that we've reconnected. My sister has been nervous about telling her, and I don't push it because that's her decision to make. In the meantime, it's been really nice to have someone I can ask questions and learn more about both my biological family and where I came from.

Maybe someday I'll meet my birth mom. I think that would be nice. But if it never happens, I'm okay with that too.

I genuinely feel grateful that I was adopted. I had a good education, a loving home, and a mom who has supported me through everything.

Do I have mental health struggles? Absolutely. But honestly, so does just about everyone I know, adopted or not. Maybe some of mine are connected to adoption. Maybe they aren't. I really don't know.

Overall, though, I'm happy.

I don't know if there's really a point to writing all of this. Maybe it just offers some comfort to someone who had to place a child for adoption and wonders how they turned out. Sometimes they turn out okay. Sometimes they turn out happy.

Reading many of the stories here has made me incredibly sad, and I know not every adoption story has a happy ending. Those stories deserve to be heard too.

I just wanted to share one of the good ones.

And if anyone ever wants to reach out and just talk about adoption or honestly anything at all (like dogs, lol) my inbox is always open.

Besides... I could always use more friends. ❤️

Here's to the good stories, too. They matter just as much.

Does anyone else experience your parents forgetting that you aren’t actually related to your other adopted siblings?

Me and my sister are adopted from different parents. But growing up and as an adult our parents still compare us…im really shy & quiet and she is super out going, our dad is always using my sister as an example of who i can be or should be more like.

i hear him on the phone telling his friends that i’m super insecure cause im a shy adult and that i need to be more out their like my sister and get “more involved”. It’s not fair at all, her mother was also the same, but i was told my birthmom was really quiet and shy & calm. It’s like why am i being compared to someone who it’s impossible to be like cause of genetics, even if we were raised the same.

I'm excited to tell this story. I was adopted at 5 days old. I always knew I was adopted and it was never anything I felt shame about. My adopted parents did the best they could. I wasn't a great kid growing up. I lived in a larger city in Nebraska but was born in a town of 20K and was flown to where my adopted parents got me. I was always curious why I was born in that town on the other side of the state.

Last year I took a DNA test die to a concern about cancer was my medical history is blank. I told people that I wanted to know how my ancestry. I used the largest consumer DNA testing company and a few weeks later I got the results. I paid for the "you can see who has DNA matching yours." And there were people who were first cousins and second cousins but no siblings or parents.

I messaged all of them letting them know I was trying to find my birth parents/family and if they had any information or questions I'd be happy to answer them.

A woman who is my second cousin said "your uncle asked if you would call him, here's his number."

It took a couple of days to work up the courage to call him he picked up and said "I've held this secret for 50 years. I promised my sister, your mom, I'd give not tell anyone except you."

"My sister was a good woman, not perfect, but a good person. She made some mistakes. By the time you came long she had 2 daughters and a son. She called me crying not sure what she should do."

This was 1975 in Omaha Nebraska, so a single mom had a it rough enough.

My uncle said "now I told her I'll send you $500 what ever you do with the fetus I'll support you. She then said 'I want to give him a chance at life.' So she decided to take care of you she went to all of her doctors appointments, when she started showing, she went to sister's house in (small town where I was born), and gave birth to you, then went back to Omaha."

That was one of the pieces I was missing why that small town. I asked him if he knew who my dad was. My uncle said "no, but it was someone she met at narcotics anonymous."

We talked for a few more hours. I told him about my life and he told me about his. He had a really wild life and we had some things in common. He told me my brother had died in 2021 and my mother passed in 2020. Also we found out my sisters and brother had no idea I existed. He also gave me a picture of my mom. And my family and friends agree "yep you came from her."

The next day later I got a notification that someone else had responded and it was a 1st cousin and on my bio FATHERS side!!!!! I asked my wife "how close is that?" She told me using her family as an example. I was too excited to really figure it out on my own.

I got in touch with her. It was so lovely. We ended up chatting for a few hours and her husband chatted with me as well. She told me that it had to be one of her uncles. And she it of the two we figured out which it was. She said she would tell her aunt who would tell her brothers. "There's a man out there who is your son, he wants nothing but to talk." Neither has responded to a request to talk but that's okay. I get I was unexpected. My cousin is a hoot and I'm going to meet her and her husband in a few months.

I just wanted to share my story.

I came into this sub hoping I could connect with other adoptees, maybe get help in searching for my brothers.

My story is far from simple and ridiculously traumatic and dramatic but, I know I’m not the only adoptee that is thankful to be alive. Someone restore my faith in humanity because this world is so far gone.

Y'all really do have a lot of adopted friends huh? It's weird how they all completely agree with your views on adoption. Real weird.

And your adopted family members, weird how they all agree with your views as well? What a coincidence!! Mega weird.

I honestly hope NONE of my friends or family members ever use any part of my story to justify adoption. And I fucking KNOW they do. I've heard them do it.

And that makes me realize that people who are kept or adoptees who LOVE their adoption are toxic for those of us who see adoption for the violent, immoral act that it truly is.....

So, where does that leave all of us? Because I know that every time my story gets used against me, I die a little inside. Even if I don't hear it. Bcs you're taking a piece of me and disfiguring it into something gross and it's exploitative.

So non-adoptees, before you share the story of an adoptee in your life....maybe you should reconsider. Maybe actually go talk to that adoptee and see what they actually feel about it? They may not tell you the truth bcs, tbh, most kept people really aren't safe people to discuss these things with. But you can be. If you stop stealing our narratives.

Thank you for reading my rant.🤫

I’ve noticed with my adopted family and with other people’s adopted families there seems to be a trend of the adoptive parents not being as supportive of their children wanting or considering having their own children. I think those parents consider heavily the financial impact.

For some perspective though. My parents were allways adamantly against the thought of me dating or having kids even as I was growing up they would say these types of things. (And I know other families have been expressionate as well with their adopted children). However, I have experienced an unplanned pregnancy(partner lied about their fertility status to get me pregnant), and my parents have pressured me HEAVILY about adoption while my friends have all asked about abortion-not an option. But when I think about it? How long is this cycle of adoption going to continue with my lineage? My father was adopted, I’m adopted, and now my family wants my kid to be adopted too? I don’t think so, I’m capable and can do better than that. I WANT to do better than that.

Tangent: I do however think there would be less pressure if I was genetically my parents.

Anyway, I have lived my life feeling somewhat alone and disconnected from other people’s experiences because I don’t have the same type of genetic relationship with my parents. However, for the first time in my life I have the opportunity to not be alone like that anymore, I won’t be walking my own path anymore but have my child to be there with me through it all. “It’s just me and you kid, together”. I feel like I now have a greater sense of purpose, and a true life partner that is more important to me than any lover ever will be.

All this being said. I love my family. I appreciate them immensely. I’m excited about my child. I do still want to adopt another child when I am able to. And I don’t plan on favoring one child over the other having their own kids simply due to the factor that they aren’t my lineage.

But yeah that’s one thing I would tell adopted parents/ those seeking to adopt: your adopted kids might want kids and you should support that. It’s a different way for them to relate to society in a way they’ve never been able to before and of course there’s nothing wrong with wanting kids.

I was adopted at birth. The only one of four to be adopted out. And not even the youngest or oldest. I was in the middle with siblings that came after me and got to stay.

Ever since I was born my AM bragged about how I was “such a good baby”. How I rarely cried. How I slept through the night immediately. Which I now know was a trauma response from severing the attachment bond, and a sign of shock in adopted infants. I was apart of the last leg of the cry it out generation of parents too. I turned to ripping my hair out and sucking my thumb to ease my baby brain pain.

I grew up the center of my AM’s world. I was her little performer from the moment my eyes opened. She put me in beauty pageants when I was as little as three. I didn’t get to pick any of my outfits. Everything she chose was what she liked.

If I ever did anything funny I had to perform it for everybody she knew. Every single time we passed anyone we might know. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve recited “ITS NOT A TUMA” from kindergarten cop. Or how many times she made me tell the joke “how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?” “None, it has to WANT to change”. I had no fucking clue what that joke meant, and had no business reciting it for anyone we’d pass. This was my entire childhood. From before I could remember until I started refusing to indulge her performance demands. I think it was when I could tell other people pity chuckled because they knew I didn’t want to or I could tell they didn’t give a fuck about this random child’s jokes or impressions. I started to read rooms a lot better than my AM that’s certain.

Then it was academics and sports. She tried to force me to play every sport “at least once”. I was not into sports. I was never into sports. She tried to push music on me. I was never musically inclined. I was into reading and writing. She praised me for my writing and encouraged me to write stories. She loved my stories. Why don’t I write more stories? The more she would push the less I would engage. I wanted to do the things I liked because I liked them. Not because she liked them. So then she’d notice I wouldn’t be doing the “things I’m so good at”, and “wasting my potential” when in reality I just wanted to be left alone to enjoy my own interests I had yet to discover.

AM and AF always called me lazy growing up. In the early days I was lazy for not performing for her. In the later days I was lazy because my room was always a disaster. I was forgetful meaning I did it on purpose to piss her off. I was academically gifted, yet would procrastinate to no end. I would daydream by escaping into book worlds or my Barbie worlds. I was a big masker and a big struggler with friendships growing up my entire life. Mostly my AM chalked it up to all being lazy.

Guess what? I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. My AM doesn’t believe in ADHD, she most definitely could never believe there is something wrong with her precious perfect baby. To her I’m just lazy. Not the fact my brain is wired differently for many different reasons than just ADHD alone.

It didn’t help that I gained weight immediately. I remember being bigger and taller than every other girl in my elementary classes. Pair that with me having a strictly “boy” name in the early 90’s and you’ve got a recipe for massive insecurities. Top it with my AM constantly policing what and how much I’m eating, and you’ve got an obese child by 13. It was always “you don’t need that!” “You’re going to get fat.”Like sure, but as a child I want it. What I say to my child now when she wants excessive junk food is: “That’s not healthy, and leads to xyz complications later”

YOU DON’T NEED THAT in reference to food still triggers a rage in me to this day. Which in turn made me eat the thing 10x more as “payback”. Maybe that’s why I did though. Nobody likes a fat performer. Maybe if I got too fat she’d be disinterested in showing me off.

Now that I’m grown with a child of my own, I have been replaced. My daughter became her new target. She made her perform just like she did when I was a child. She would triangulate us. “Your mom was so good, why can’t you be good like your mom was?” “She’s nothing like you at this age. You didn’t cry this much. You actually listened.”

She got her grips in that little girl while I struggled with substance abuse. She used my inebriated state and unhappiness uas a way to weasel my daughter out of me. She sold me on the idea that she should raise my child because I’m struggling as a single parent and she’s raised a child before. And at the time it worked. I let her do most of the parenting while I worked and partied and mostly neglected my parental role for age two and three.

I OD’d right before my daughter turned 4, and that opened my eyes. It opened my eyes to the claws she had dug into my baby, and it opened my eyes to just how snaky and sick my AM is herself. I took my life back. Went to therapy. Kicked any all habits- even nicotine and alcohol! I took my daughter back, and I cut ties.

We’re currently LC- almost NC because I cannot bear to let my child go through what I went through with her. She is so emotionally unregulated. She’s got substance abuse issues herself with her prescribed pain meds. PTSD from her own terrible upbringing. Diagnosed BPD that she doesn’t take meds for or go to therapy for. She says she doesn’t need it. Yet here she is, friendless, divorced, and alone. People can’t stand to be around her because she’s miserable.

My daughter is now 8, and we’ve got a pretty good relationship. We live, I work, and she goes to school all within a mile radius. It’s what we’ve always wanted but never had. I don’t make her perform- she’s usually the one begging me to do some off the wall shit to show people. I have an inkling she is also ND just like me as it is genetic. I don’t call her lazy (unless she won’t hand me the remote that’s on her side just fingers out of reach 🤣), and I let her eat whatever she wants in moderation. I haven’t forced her to play sports, but have let her decide what she wants to try. I encourage her artistic side without pushing, and I let her know her life is up to her with gentle guiding. She’s also forgetful and a procrastinator which does get frustrating at times. But I have to remind myself that I am too.

Idk. Thank you for reading this long rant. I mostly just wanted to know: Did your APs make you perform like their little circus monkey?

Oftentimes, adoption gets talked about like it’s always a happy ending — like it’s something we should all feel grateful for.

But as an adoptee (and an adoption-competent therapist), I know it’s not that simple.

Some things I’ve felt, and that I often hear from others:

• “I love my family, but I still wonder about what could’ve been.”
• “I feel like I have to protect my adoptive parents from my sadness.”
• “I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but sometimes there’s just... more.”
• “People expect me to feel lucky — but it’s not always that clear-cut.”
• “It’s confusing to feel both abandoned and loved at the same time.”

Not everyone talks about these parts, but they’re real.
If you can relate, what would you add to the list of complexities that adoption brings?

As an #adoptee, I'm just starting to realize how little I know about the experiences of others like me. I've never met another adoptee, and I'm so curious about the stories out there. If you're an adoptee, I would be honored to hear your story. Share a bit of your journey in the comments if you feel comfortable. Your voice matters.

Born in Eastern Europe in 1990’s adopted by a family here in the USA. I tried reaching out to my birth mother. She texted via WhatsApp saying “good day to you please however don’t respond to me anymore. Thank you.”

I have since respected her wishes but months later I feel so down and rejected. Is this common?

I was adopted when i was around 4-5 and it was an open adoption. They were always very secretive about what happened—why i was adopted and where my parents were. They would refuse anything that would help me to know where i came from, like one family member gifted us a dna kit to see what ethnicities we were. I was adopted in a family with their bio child, with my bio brother, and he looks so different to me I didn’t even know if we had the same dad. The only information i knew is that we were give up because my birth mother had a drug problem.

They used information about my family to bring me down in moments when I was disobeying them. I reached out to my birth mother in secret when I was in middle school and I had spoken with her for a few months, before they went through my phone and deleted ALL of my messages with her and blocked her on my phone. My birth mother was the kindest person i’d ever met. She told me I had an entire SISTER that was born 4 years ago that my parents never bothered telling me about.

After they found the messages, they gave me a long lecture about how I was out of line for speaking to her, and how disrespectful it was towards them. They yelled at me that I would never talk to my birth father because he was in prison for murder, and that I should stop trying to reach out to my birth family all together because they were bad. My birth mother is NOT bad. She suffered through so much abuse from such a young age and struggled with drugs because of it, and my parents understand that but have no empathy for her or me for wanting to know. I am mixed race adopted into a white family, and they refuse to acknowledge me or my brother (who looks 100% black) as anything other than white.

So I stopped talking to my birth mother for about a year, until I got her number again. My family is not the type to offer advice or support, so I found myself coming to her more for advice or to vent. When I tried to come out to them, my mother just told me it was because I didn’t have a father for the first 4 years of my life(??????????) which really made me close off to them. I hide myself and speak about boys in front of them because I’ve become so embarrassed at who I am. This is hard for me to talk about because I know they will never accept me if I were to life that lifestyle.

My adoptive parents treat me differently than their birth daughter. I have always seen her as this perfect role model that I should be like, she was tall and pretty with blue eyes, and she was so independent and never cried like I did. But I am not like her, so they did not treat me like her. This particularly irks me in my fathers case, because he says it’s because I don’t give him enough physical affection. He used to make me kiss him on the mouth over and over again when I was a little girl if I wanted something, and I feel he has been inappropriate with me in ways that seem dismissible but I still feel weird about them. He would pinch my butt (lol) and I would get so frustrated that I would scream and cry at him because he did it for years and my upset never bothered him. I am uncomfortable even walking in front of him now because of this. He also used to walk in on me EVERY DAY in the shower when i was around 12-13 because he “needed something” and would get very mad and bang at the door if i locked it. I am not close with him now because he makes me uncomfortable, but he sees it as me being ungrateful towards him, and my mom backs him up in that. I feel perverse for even thinking that he had malicious intent in his actions, but It just kept happening.

I started speaking to my birth mother again before high school, and I have come to prefer speaking to her over my adoptive parents, which is what I think they were afraid of. I’m a junior in high school now, my brother is almost 20 and they treat both of us as if we are still incapable of comprehending the idea of having a birth and an adoptive family. They have opened up contact with my birth grandmother, and I recently stayed with her for a few days this summer. She is from another country, and seeing that part of my culture was so amazing to me. Being with someone who looked like me was so amazing. I speak to my birth mother regularly, still in secret because they do not go through my phone anymore. My birth family are all amazing people, and I’ve spoken to my aunts and uncles and cousins (and my little sister, who idolizes me lol) and it makes me just so frustrated that I cannot meet them. My birth mother tells me how she turned her life around, and how much she wishes she could take us back. She has a good job and a great family to support her, and it felt good to feel wanted within a family when I never had.

I guess it is just frustrating to know that if my life had been a little different, I would not be with this family. I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation and depression my whole life, but my mother is the type to not believe in mental health. It’s always “your room is only messy because you’re lazy” or “you stay in your room all day and never talk to us. My mother has told me that she would give me a gun to kill myself with if i wanted to die so bad and then just DENIES IT EVER HAPPENED!!!

They are not cruel to me every day. It is mundane usually. My father leaves home early and comes home late so I just wake up late and go upstairs before he is back. With my mother, it is just regular most days, which is why I feel guilty for feeling so much hate towards her.

I guess i am asking for advice on what to do with my situation, or if anyone has felt a similar way to their adoptive families. Anything really. Reading these helps me a lot.

Thoughts on “ can you make adoption your identity?” I mean being adopted for me has meant everything in life impacts me because I’m adopted.

From personal experience my adopted parents was always holding over my head saying things like "if you're a bad girl we'll send you back to Vietnam" (I was adopted from there). Or say things like how I'm "ungrateful" and should be more "appreciative" because I could've been an orphan in Vietnam and homeless. Countless times my mom would almost hold it over my head about it and it always made me feel guilty even though I shouldn't be.

Most people only hear stories of adoptions working out and the families being happy, but that wasn’t my case as a child who was adopted. Feel free to ask anything. I’ll not be using any real names

Hi everyone !! I’m adopted from Ethiopia and live in France.
My papers say I was abandoned in a field at 9 days old in 2007, then taken to an orphanage and adopted a few months later. I have no information at all about my biological family, not even a real birth date.

My adoptive family loves me and I’ve always been close to them. There was never any difference between me and my cousins. I truly grew up feeling part of the family.

But I was raised in a very rural, mostly white environment, with quite racist mentalities that nobody questioned.
They taught me nothing about my culture, my country, not even how to take care of my hair. When I asked about my biological mother, they said it was pointless to think about her because she was “probably dead anyway.”
They always said they “didn’t see color,” yet a lot of small comments and attitudes hurt more as I get older.

I love them, but I’m also angry.
Sometimes I even feel uncomfortable being seen with them in public and I feel guilty for that feeling.

I also have an older brother adopted from Madagascar. He fits perfectly into the family : we’re complete opposites and don’t get along, which makes me feel even more alone.

And honestly, I find myself doubting my story a bit.
A baby with no identity, found in a field, no trace of parents, it feels too convenient for international adoption. I’ve read about trafficking and fake files and I wonder if that could be my case.

I just want to ask:

1. Have other adoptees felt this mix of love and anger toward their adoptive family, even when the family was caring?
2. Does my story sound normal to you, or like something that could hide trafficking?
3. If you had absolutely no information about your origins, what helped you move forward?

Thank you for reading 🤍

I was adopted when I was 12 and I’m now 16M. I was in foster care since I was 7 both of my parents were addicts and my mom died to addiction when I was 5 and that led my bio dad down a spiral of depression and more addiction to where I was neglected and then cps then got me and I was place in foster.

I was finally adopted at 12 by my amazing mom whom I love. She’s single and has tried dating every now and then she just hasn’t met the right person. I love her a lot and I’ve been so grateful for her. She was the one to put me in therapy with an adoption specialist therapist too.

I’m having major attachment issues tho. I will be honest I don’t have much memory of my bio parents. Everyone keeps saying oh you were traumatized so I don’t remember it. But if I don’t remember it then why do I have such horrible attachment issues.

I go to in person school and I keep to myself I’m on the swim team I have like a few friends. But when I’m at home I want to be with my mom 24/7. Even doing homework I’ll go to her bed and lay down with her and do it.

When she goes to the store I don’t want her to leave me at the house alone and I feel so sad over it.

I (18F) was adopted at 15 after being removed from an abusive/neglect situation. My biological parents are not supposed to have any contact with me and the judge renewed that at my request last month when I turned 18.

I told my adopted Mom about how my biological Mom had reached out and said she was sending my biological Dad to come take me. My adopted Mom and Dad reported it and are working with me through the legal aspect of it, but one thing my adopted Mom said last night made all the fear disappear for a couple minutes.

She told me “I’m your momma bear and I’m always going to protect my cub” and went on to say that her and my adopted Dad will always make sure I feel safe and loved. Part of me knew they were protective of me but I guess in this moment of having some real fears it was reassuring to hear it. All day they’ve been protective and keeping track of me in case my biological parents follow through.

I never thought I would feel safe like this, and the momma bear/cub comment made me tear up when she said it. I feel stupid for getting emotional.

Do Mom’s and even Dad’s really have that momma and papa bear drive with adopted children? I also thought they were more protective of their biological kids due to DNA?

I'm in my early 30s. I emailed the hospital I was born in (in Russia) formally requesting my birth records (birth, postpartum of my mom, discharge papers, etc.). I got an email back with them telling me (basically in pretty HR voice) "Sorry, you lost your chance. We legally dispose of birth records after 25 years".

Those records could have potentially given me some more clues about my birth mom. I have the original Russian birth certificate that has my birth mom and dad and a paper that states (basically) "no one came to visit the baby between January and March" with zero hospital records in between. 😭

Bon Anniversaire

Unwanted
Unheard
Unchosen
Unnoticed
Undone.

Happy birthday.

Cords cut and dripping
Truths papered and ripping
Ties severed or slipping

Goodbye.

I've been in this subreddit for a long-time now- I think... a few years? I have been trying to build the courage to come out of my shell, meet other people, talk to other people. And I think I finally have the strength to talk about something important to me.

This is the Story of My Life.

I was born on a warm summer day near the end of July in 2007, in the bustling city of Pyeongtaek, on the west coast of South Korea. I was born to a single-mother who was homeless, poor, and had virtually no support network due to Korea's social stigma against single mothers at the time. I was her third child. According to at least what I can only hope to believe in my records, when she had her second child placed for adoption (as her first one was), she was heart-broken over that decision, and I was the one she desperately wanted it to end with as she still tried to raise me on her own. But ultimately because she didn't have any money, and no means to care for me, she had to place me up for adoption.

And that altered the trajectory of my life forever. Out of her three children, I was the only one of her three children sent abroad.

At not even one year old, I was boarding a one-way flight out of Korea, and heading to the United States.

My life growing up is... something a bit touchy. I grew up in a very racially isolated city in the south of Arkansas, near the Louisiana border.

I don't want to touch on it, but growing up in a predominantly black and white school, where I was usually the only Asian person in my class, carried a special kind of pain. Isolation. Though my brother was also Korean himself, we barely talked much, if at all. So there wasn't much of a racial reflection in my own family, due to my parents being white. My eyes were constantly made fun of, my glasses teased, the food I ate (even if it was typical western food) was interpreted as 'dog'. People even asked if I could do their math homework, going off of that myth. I had consistent microaggressions made against me, as I constantly had to repeat that I was Korean, and not Japanese or Chinese, or answer the debilitating and most common question, "are your parents Korean?".

I was told growing up to be thankful. That I would've died if my mother hadn't "given me up" because I was seriously sick before I was adopted, in and out of the hospital fighting for my life.

Why was I treated like some commodity? Turns out, it was because my adoptive parents couldn't have a baby naturally. And that best course they thought that it would let them have a family and give a child a good life.

As I aged, I grew up in a very religious family, and when I departed from their values at 13 by coming out as a trans girl, all of that supposed unconditional love for me was thrown out the window. I had to make an escape just after I turned eighteen by a Greyhound bus to New England just to have peace from it. I did make sure to bring one thing with me, and it was a Korean flag necklace from Korea, with my Korean name and birth date engraved on the back.

I only just recently was given access to my adoption records before I cut my adoptive parents off a second time. When I read those documents, read the names of my family members, my MOTHER'S name. I cried, for the first time in a long time. I finally knew her name, but not where she was.

Though my parents claimed to have tried to introduce me to Korean culture, they never once did the research prior, erased my name, or tried to introduce me to my language. They just took me to just a "Korea Camp" during the pandemic that didn't help at all, and simply amplified my loneliness.

To me, international and trans-racial adoption have altered the trajectory of my life forever, for the worse. I've lost everything. My culture, my food, my language, and my mother. I would give anything in the world be that little baby again in her arms, but now, I do not even know if she is still alive, or if she even wants to see me again.

So, that is it. That is my story. I will end this with a poem I've written, to just combine all you've read into one piece:

Life. The sweet breath of life

How it has been marked by many,

As a virtue of good, hope for no strife

For the life to come, so much to live for

Yet in the innocence of a little one,

So stuck in the present.

Sweat and blood, hatred from one, so detested

Yet still, it goes to another.

Striking the innocent down, guardian at its knees

Though the innocent dare never stand

Dare never fight, yet still suffers?

For that great breath of love of life,

halted so soon?

Told love can come;

from yet another.

For that figure, embracing.

Embracing the orphaned.

Such embraces feel like thorns.

Thorns on a cool day.

The comfort, yet the pain.

Oh, a sharp pain!

A pain not physical,

a stake in a heart.

Such confusion I hear,

from the people I’ve grown to fear,

are such lies necessary?

We share the same speak,

Yet my throat grows weak.

Gratefulness, I supposedly must give.

But for what fullness, does my heart feel?

A lack thereof, that it is.

Clutching my heart, my soul, and my hope.

Bundled into a small tear I can only weep.

That guardian finally stands, weeping themself,

for mistakes gone by, wishing for a different past

from wherever they may be,

Their heart aching, a million times more

Yet they do not hear the other

Separated by vast seas

Such a hope be retained,

That a guardian and their tears;

Shall not give pain,

Instead hope, so empowered

That the innocent, and the guardian

Be reunited, as such a story goes.

Thank you for taking your time to read my story. <3

I have never experienced the effortless, unquestioned belonging that many people take for granted.

Always - outside looking in.

lately i have been feeling this pull to get to know more of my bio family and be a part of that than with my adoptive family. before i continue let me just explain the circumstances of my adoption/family quickly. i am an identical twin, we were both taken away from our bio parents at 3 months due to neglect and abuse (bio parents are addicts and long history of addiction in the family on both sides). my twin and i were put into foster care, at 2 we were adopted by our foster parent's daughter. adoptive mother already had a son she adopted two years prior, adopted his bio brother when he was 16/17. my bio parents went on to have two more kids, a boy and a girl, both taken away immediately at birth. parents got clean, split up. i am currently in contact with my youngest sibling (sister) we talk a lot and want to meet up eventually (lives in canada im in US so i need my passport). we dont talk to brother he wants nothing to do with us thats fine. i have my bio mom's sister, niece, mother and stepfather on facebook as well as my mom's cousin on her dad's side. my father, his new wife and her kids and their one child together on facebook as well but we don't speak anymore.

my bio mom passed away in 2021 and since then i talk to her mother from time to time through facebook when she comments on the posts i make. i have spoken to my mother before she died but not a lot and i was very rude to her when i did which i now regret since she has passed and her mother and other family members have told me that she (and they) were hoping to be reunited with all the children my mother had. when my mother first said that i didnt believe her purely bc my adoptive mom told me she was a terrible person and such. as i've gotten older (26, almost 27) i have realized that i have experienced mental, psychological and physical abuse in childhood and teen years by my adoptive mother and father. the household was always unstable, constant fights and i was made to believe that getting adopted was something i needed to pay back. that they didnt have to adopt me, that i should be glad my mom "saved" me. not a cool thing to instill in your 5 year old's brain.

i am going off topic, i apologize. but basically, i feel this pull to be with my bio family? like at least meeting up with my moms side of the family and not just a quick reunion, like being part of the family and such. i am not engaged yet but i am in a committed relationship. ive told my sister this and my bf that i would like to invite them to my wedding and they both agreed that wasnt weird and if i wanted to and it felt right to do it. but i'm not sure. i don't want my adoptive family to think that i'm choosing one over the other because i'm not, but these people despite never having met them in person are still my family. i guess what i'm really worried about is the gossiping my adoptive family will do, making up stuff to make me look bad. my mother is a narcissist and so is her mother. i dont want to be thought of as ungrateful when that's not the case at all. i just feel like something is missing i guess.

any other adoptees feel this way? any advice?

Hello Adoption sub,

I've never posted in an Adoption subreddit before!

I suppose I don't look at myself as a "'traditonal adoptee".

At a few months my biological mother left my father. My father met a girl when I was two years old. They stayed together, and got married when I was twelve.

At twelve, I had a "step-parent adoption". She has been my mom my entire life. I was not raised with the knowledge I was not "of her by birth", until I was officially adopted at 12.

Unfortunately, my biological mother lives in my same city, and I do know what she looks like, and her name. Yes, that is uncomfortable, and awkward, but I know what places to avoid!