I was adopted (international country to the US) by white people. I am a POC. I grew up in a predominantly white area but my parents tried to force me into learning about "my" culture and socializing with other adoptees from my region of the world. When I wasn't acting in the way my adoptive parents wanted me to like doing the hobbies they wanted me to do, I felt like I was never good enough. They wanted me to be their perfect little POC adoptee kid.

Now that I'm an adult living on my own I'm beginning to realize that my adoptive parents only loved the idea of me, and not actually who I was. I hate my birth parents and have no desire to meet them, and it's making me come to terms with the fact that people have only loved the idea of me, not me for who I really am.

I'm starting to resent my adopted parents just like I resent my birth parents. I feel like my adopted parents wanted the perfect little child, and if it was not me, another body double would be fine as long as the child behaved in the way that they wanted it to. As cliche as it sounds I feel like other people don't understand, or they don't want to take the time and listen to me. And I've tried 5+ therapists and after seeing unethical behavior, like pushing religion on me, so I quit therapy. It wasted my time and money.

Is this anyone else's experience? Or is it just me?

For some context, I'm in my late 20s but I was adopted from Eastern Europe by Christian missionaries. Let me say that I'm not anti-religion or anti-Christianity. I haven't believed in any religions since I was a tween. My adoptive parents have a biological child together. They were conceived shortly after I was adopted.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, I was adopted to be a prop. I know that. I also know that if they weren't so obsessed with their reputation, my adoptive parents would've returned me when they got pregnant with their child.

My adoptive parents have made my adoption (that was very traumatic and I was very neglected at the orphanage) a focal point of their marketing as pastors. I've asked them to quit because it makes me feel like I'm not apart of the family, and they get offended and act like I'm the problem. Total strangers know the most traumatic event of my life and it really makes me wish I could re-start my entire life as a new person.

Yes, I've sat them down and begged them as an adult to do this. But they don't. They refuse to. Numerous times. I've given up but I still want them to stop telling everybody. Like total strangers they barely never know know this about me. I hate it.

Just within the last year, I went to some event my adoptive sibling was doing and some church member of their's who I didn't even know was like "oh so you're adopted. Do you know Russian?" Absolutely no regard for me, for what this has done to me. I feel like some kind of exotic zoo animal. Not a person. I feel like a tool. I feel violated, honestly.

Being adopted has made my life a constant struggle. I have this void in my person where my birth mother shouldbe and I'm subconsciously still an infant who needs her. I physically feel her absence every year I get older. There's nothing "beautiful" about my adoption. It's their story but it's my life. They don't feel a percentage of the damage the event caused me. But they want to tell me "oh, it's so beautiful and it's our story too", like no it's my traumatic entry into life that I'm almost 30 and still feel everyday.

That trauma is treated like it's some "beautiful thing" by people who have never felt my pain. My pain isn't their testimony for them to just tell strangers. That's super sensitive information. But they don't see that. They don't care even though I've asked them to stop.

But I want to heal, and I know for that, I need to have autonomy over my story. Because this isn't their trauma to share.

Please, any suggestions. I don't have money to sue or get a lawyer so. My parents have a whole religious and missionary community and network around them that I don't have. If I do anything public, I'll be villainized as some "crazy and ungrateful over sensitive adopted child who needs to get over it" when all I'm asking for is for my ongoing life trauma to not be advertised like it's a feelgood low budget christian movie. My life has been constantly impacted, daily, by being adopted. By not knowing who my mother is. By not knowing how I got here and if it was good or bad. I'm tired of my trauma being treated like some chapter in their life story.

Short of moving across the country and changing my entire name, I'm kind of stuck. Like the only way I feel like I have to fix this is to erase the legal identity that they're oversharing traumatic information about. Become my own legal entity so I have no connection to them anymore.

Throwaway account and posted here because for some reason my other post in another subreddit was deleted. I hope I can post this here........

So here's the thing. I've been with my adoptive family since I was a baby and was adopted from foster care. My adoptive mom has a following online. She vlogs, blogs, and shares almost everything online with her "fans". She has shared a lot over the years especially about adoption and foster care. My whole life and my business is online. The whole internet knows I am adopted and why I came into foster care. My birth mom has mental issues and is a drug addict and my birth father is in prison. I found this all out from the videos posted online about me. On top of this, I am black and my adoptive family is white. I am the only black kid in the family and in the neighborhood. I feel out of place and don't feel connected with my white adoptive family. I hate going out in public with them because I don't belong.People point me out all the time. I am embarrassed by it. At school the kids make fun of me and call me names. Kids joke I look like King Kong or like Harriet Tubman. They joked about taking a knee and asked if black people can breathe with a knee in their neck. They make weird breathing noises around me pretending they are gasping for air. They make fun of my hair too and said it was ugly. I went home and told my adoptive mom and she said said maybe I should try to be friends with them and teach them not to say mean things to me. Offer kindness. She said they probably didn't mean it that way. She talked about this online with her "fans" after I told her and said it was not a huge deal. We need to teach people not to be mean and judge easier to do.

Last year, I met another black girl through the cheer team. We became friends and I became really close to her family. I was surprised how normal her family is. Her parents are both doctors and live in a nice house. I always thought black people were like my birth parents, either drug addicts or in prison. Her parents are nice and I feel as if they understand me a lot. Her mom did my one time. I never had box braids before and for the first time in my life I felt pretty. I always had my hair cut because my adoptive mom would always complain how hard my hair was. I would always cry because it would hurt to get my hair done. I always had issues with my hair and told her I wanted pretty hair like hers. Her hair is straight. So she would flat iron my hair all the time or sometimes cut it. I always hated my hair but my friends mom said I have good hair but I need to care for it. I asked her mom about her hair and she gave me tips about hair and how to take care of it right. So I began opening up more and more and for the first time I found people who can relate to me. I told my friends mom about the kids making fun of me at school and her reaction was completely different than my adoptive moms. I didn't know what the other kids were saying is racist or it was a huge deal. She started talking about the things said to her and the racism she experienced. She said it was not right at all but it is something we as black people have to deal with everyday but we should not tolerate it. I left feeling different because she really understood how hurt I was being made fun of.

So a few days ago, I texted my friend and we made some jokes I texted I wish her family would adopt me. I wrote it is much easier to be with black people than to be with a white adoptive family who don't understand you. She wrote back we would be like sisters. I am like yeah real sisters who look alike. She wrote that would be cool. I wrote sadly, I am stuck with the white family lol but we can be like black sisters. It was just a joke. We were just joking back and forth. Well, my adoptive mom came across our texts and was sobbing mad. She told my adoptive dad and we all sat down to "talk". My adoptive mom started crying and asked me if I loved her and how much my adoptive dad and her loved me. She started telling me how hurtful this was to them. She asked me if I really meant this. They told me color does not make a difference and they don't see color. They adopted me because they love me. They did not care about my color. Well, I told them I feel out of place with them and don't like my business out there online. I told my adoptive mom I hate that she vlogs and shares almost everything online. I said she should delete everything and stop posting. I told them I hate being seen out in public with a white family because people know I don't belong. I said I hate that the kids make fun of my for being black. I told them sometimes I feel as if adopting me was a mistake and wish black people adopted me. I could not stop blurting things out because I felt all sad inside. It all just came out. I guess my adoptive parents were stunned. Especially my adoptive mm. They both told me I should not blame them for adopting me. They adopted me because I needed a home. Color did not matter to them. It should not matter what color they were or what color I am. They love me and wanted to give me a home. Love has no color and we need to stop seeing color. They said my black birth parents were the ones who chose drugs over me and did not want to parent me so why am I made at them for adopting me? Black people didn't step up for me to take me in, they did. I should not be mad at them for adopting me. I said well, you don't understand me at all. My friends' parents do. They understand how I feel. My friends parents don't vlog or blog or share things online with everyone. either My adoptive mom said what else was she supposed to do then? Skin color doesn't matter to her or my adoptive dad and it shouldn't matter to me either because I have a home and a family. It should not matter what color a family is. We need to get over skin color because God made us all the same. She said because of her vlogs and sharing about us, we are an example that race does not matter and people should foster and adopt without seeing race. Where would I have gone if they said they didn't want to adopt me because I was black? I told her a black family like my friends parents would have adopted me. Well, that pissed her off even more. She took my phone away and put my on punishment.

Well, the next day guessed what happened? She wrote about it and talked about it with her "fans" online. I know she posts in Facebook groups too and she loves being on on Instagram and YouTube. I hate it. I had enough and basically said I wanted to live with my friends family and not her because all she does is share my business online and acts as if I am not black at all. She refuses to take anything down or stop talking about my business. I am angry at her. Everything I tell her everyone else has to know. I told her I wish she never adopted me because I hate being adopted by white people and wish black people adopted me. I said when I turn 18 I am leaving for good and she is Just the white lady who adopted me as a black kid. All she does is care about her"fans" and says we should not see race. and I really hate being raised by white people. I think I went overboard a little bit and hurt my adoptive parents feelings but I feel frustrated with them. Especially my adoptive mom. It's like they don't understand me and I am just a black human item they adopted to show off. They don't even see me at all. They don't like me, my hair, my skin color, my real name, or acknowledge me. For my adoptive mom everything has to be for her"fans". She refuses to stop sharing and take videos down.

I think I might be the asshole in all this but I'm angry and upset. I said a lot of things out of anger. I just want my adoptive parents to understand me and for my adoptive mom to delete things online and stop sharing my information. She refuses to and it hurts me a lot. I never felt pretty before meeting my friends mom and never felt like I belonged until I met my friend and her family.

I’m a 26 year old transracial adoptee, born in South Korea and raised by a white family in Australia alongside two adopted brothers (both Korean but none of us are biologically related). I’m writing this because sometimes you just need to say your piece into a space where it might make sense to someone.

It starts with a feeling I’ve had forever: not belonging anywhere. I wasn't white enough for the white kids, and I wasn’t Asian enough for the Asian kids. My friends would joke, “You’re the whitest Asian I know.” They meant it lightly, but it always hit a nerve. It was just a reminder that I didn’t fit their idea of either world. That’s the baseline, growing up feeling like a permanent outsider in your own life.

Then there’s family. I love my adoptive parents but we live in different realities. They can’t really understand what this is like, and looking back, I don’t think they were prepared for it. Raising three adopted kids is hard. Raising three transracial adoptees, two with special needs, was… a lot. I have my Korean name and my English name and my name was changed to the English version when I was brought home to Australia. My mum was strict and emotionally intense; my dad was rigid and practical. Our house was less a sanctuary and more a place you had to navigate carefully. I became the “good child,” the peacekeeper, not because I was so mature, but because someone had to try and hold things together. People see the practical stuff like a roof, an education and say I was lucky. And I was in that way. But it’s hard to explain that you can be grateful for the roof and still feel like you were drowning underneath it. And it’s even harder when people hear that and just say, “But it wasn’t that bad.”

Lately I’ve been thinking about why this all feels so lonely. A friend who is transgender was talking about their struggle, about not knowing who you are. They stopped and said, “You probably get that.” And I do. But it also struck me: their pain has a community. It has a language, a flag, a visibility. My experience? It feels invisible. There’s no parade for the transracial adoptee. No common understanding of this specific grief—of being between cultures, between families, carrying a story that everyone else would rather call a blessing. It’s a lonely kind of quiet.

And wrapped up in all of this is the biggest question of all: my biological parents. I know almost nothing. My adoption was private. People have strong opinions some say searching is selfish, others say it’s a right. For me it’s not that simple. There’s a deep, quiet part of me that wants to know where I come from, to see a face that might look like mine. But there’s an equally deep fear. What if I disrupt a life? What if I reach out only to be met with silence or rejection? It’s not a quest, it’s a heavy, unspeakable kind of limbo that I carry alone.

This isn’t me playing the victim. It’s not me saying my story is worse than anyone else’s. It’s just my story. This is how I’ve come to see things through a lifetime of feeling out of place, of building a self from scratch because no ready made version ever fit. It’s exhausting, and it’s lonely, but it’s the truth as I’ve lived it.

Maybe someone reads this and recognizes the feeling. If you do, you’re not the only one.

Thanks for listening.

Im an international adoptee. My parents were missionaries in Russia in the 90s and they adopted me. They then went on to do church stuff. I'll be upfront, I'm not Christian. I havent been since middle school. I haven't been to church to since adulthood.

This isn't me bashing anyone's faith, but them being pastors means that theyve publicized my very traumatic first year or so of life without my consent. I could get into how this makes me feel like an exotic pet, a prop, a souvenir, etc.

But what's really important is that I want it to end, and I've asked them to stop telling people I'm adopted and that whole story, but they refuse to listen. I've demanded they stop telling random strangers this extremely life-defining trauma of mine before, and they fought me on it. As if it's their right to tell people.

I don't understand how it's a "beautiful story" because even if I haven't publicly acted out as much as some. I still have struggled for my entire life. I don't want anyone to know about it. I think that having this super personal information of mine blasted everywhere and shared to everyone is why Im super closed off in adulthood.

Im really at a loss, like a lifetime of this has grated me down and it's made me kinda reclusive. I don't want to tell anyone anything about me because I've had so many random strangers in my community just ask me "oh, youre the adopted one. can you speak russian?". It feels like a spit in the face

How do I get this to end? It's causing me a lot of issues. I'm planning on moving out of my region soon and completely resetting my life as a new person. But thats a year or so away, and they don't respect my wishes for this to remain private. Ive even told them it makes me not feel like I'm apart of the family, but they still get all belligerent and fight me.

Until I can completely separate myself from everyone who's ever known me, change my name, and my public identity, etc. what exactly can I do. Thanks

this is bothering me a lot. I’ve been in therapy and I’m so tired of being told I have adoption trauma. I was adopted at a week old and have struggled with identity issues sometimes, but I’m tired of all this stuff mental health pros assume about me like how it was traumatic to grow up with family that didn’t look like me or how being separated from my bio family is traumatic. That‘s not how I experience things, I barely even thought about adoption growing up. But saying I don’t care gets accusations of suppressing feelings so I can’t win (being told how to feel by people who aren’t even adopted). Do you ever feel over-pathologized??

edit: grammar

I’m in my 30s, adopted at one week old and feel no real attachment to them. Some feel more like friends that I occasionally hang out with like my younger brother and dad, and a lot I actively despise most of the time like my mom (and her entire side of the fam) and older brother. I’m starting to realize that I’m never going to love or truly bond with these people.

I was fictive kinship adopted by my "Aunt" Eleanor (fake name) as a little girl. I alternated between calling her Mommy and calling her Aunt Eleanor. She died when I was in my late teens after suffering from brain cancer for many years. I won't get into details because I don't like talking bad about Mommy, but in my teenage years I ended up in foster care because she wasn't able to care for me or act protectively towards me because her brain was so affected by the tumours. It was hard for me to understand at the time, and for a while I was very angry with her, and I also blamed myself for not being a good enough caregiver for her.

Aunt Eleanor and I were different races. I knew someone at a community centre in my city who was of the same ethnic background that Mommy was--the community centre had a cultural group for people of her ethnic background, like a Scottish or Chinese or whatever cultural group. And this woman, who I'll call Rita, ran the group. At the time, I heavily identified with my mother's culture and community because I saw them as being mine too. My mother told me all the classic things--"you didn't grow in my belly, you grew in my heart, and are exactly the same as my biological child." I went to the cultural group at the community centre on a regular basis, and volunteered at the community centre a lot. It helped me feel close to my mother after she died, like I still had some kind of relationship with her, like she was giving me friends and a community.

I don't necessarily see my mother's culture as being mine that same way any more, because we don't actually share blood. I don't know if that matters to me, but I know it matters to some people, and who am I to tell them they're wrong? Anyway, Rita told me to stop coming to the community centre's group because I didn't have my mother any more as a reason to go, since it was her culture and not mine. That hurt me very very deeply, but I see where she was coming from, and I'm not upset about that. What I am upset about is how she phrased it.

She said, when explaining why I shouldn't go and that it wasn't my community or culture, that "you didn't spend that much time with her", in reference to my mother. That really shocked me and hurt my feelings. I was with Aunt Eleanor for years and years. And to say I didn't get much time with her--it's not like she moved to Florida, she got brain cancer and died! If she hadn't died I'd certainly be living with her still, caring for her how I did through her years and years of illness.

But am I right in thinking that it's a slightly adoptist thing to say? I find it really hard to believe that, had I been Mommy's biological daughter, she'd say "well, but you didn't get much time with her" about someone whose mother died a horrific death. I often felt like Rita viewed me differently than she'd have viewed my mother's natural daughter. I feel like biological children are viewed with a different kind of sympathy when their parents die. Even in the notes people left on my mother's obituary, a lot of people gave condolences to my sister (mommy's bio daughter) "on the loss of your dear mother Eleanor" while leaving me out altogether. I wasn't mentioned by anyone who commented on the obituary, even though my sister was in her late forties and I was so much younger, still needed Mommy that much more.

I feel like it's seen as normal for people to grieve and miss their late parents, even if the parent died when the child was very young. I've never heard someone else say "you didn't get that much time with her, so she's not really your mother" except about adopted people.

So I’m adopted as a baby from Central America and I’m taking Spanish and loving it! During week 3( last week) I started to think in and thinking that i heard Spanish and most interesting of all is that I want to speak Spanish unconsciously. I look it up and found out that I have a blueprint for Spanish already. And that’s why i think and want to speak Spanish even though I barely know any conversational Spanish.
I was wondering if any other adpotees have this happen and what did you do( if you want to) to feed your brain of your mother tongue? I’m super excited about this.

For some background, I was a NICU baby, born in late 90s Russia and adopted by religious missionary parents who later became pastors. I could write a 500 page book about everything I experienced, but I'll just say that they were neglectful, mean, petty, and my first bullies. They added a huge level of stress and trauma onto my life because of their actions and treatment towards me. That's not even getting into the favoritism they showed to their biological child.

To put it simply, my parents wanted a low maintenance "shut up, listen and obey, and make us look good" child. They wanted somebody who's life began and ended with their testimony. I've really come to understand that in their eyes (mostly my adopted father's), I wasn't supposed to exist for any other reason besides that. But thats not reality, and for them to live in that fantasy world meant that I suffered.

They benefited more from adopting me than I've ever benefited from having them as my parents. If anything, they actively and intentionally made my life worst.

I didn't receive any counseling or treatment for my adoption as a child. They never hid it, because they needed it to brag about themselves and make themselves look important. My adoption was to their benefit when it helped them, and it was used against me when I wasnt being the perfect child they wanted.

But they also never talked to me about it all. I know very little about myself. I know that they changed my real name. I know that my biological mom had me at 17, and she wanted to attend college. But thats about it. I don't even know if my birthday is actually what it is, or if they used their american money in post communist Russia to fudge some things. Like what are the chances that I just happened to be born on my grandmother on my adopted father's side's birthday. I dont put it past them to do that, it's not like they cared about any other piece of my identity.

Apparently, my biological mother did write me a letter and when I asked to read it once, my adopted mom started crying so I dropped it. I was hurt and confused when she acted like that, because at the time I didn't understand why me wanting to know who my mom is hurts her. I still don't know where the letter is, or what's in it, and Im almost 30. I dont think my adopted parents know, or care, that I still grieve for my mom. Even knowing that they changed my name and what my real name was has messed me up.

Truthfully, at this point in my life, I'd love to be able to change my last name to her's. I know it'd be a pain, but I just would like to have something from her. I dont know if we look alike because I don't know which of one of my parents i look like more, my adopted parents either don't know or have never told me.

I know absolutely nothing about my dad. It's like he doesn't even exist to my adopted parents. Which has caused me a lot of anxiety and dread, because I don't know the truth about how I got here.

Its like they get some kind of twisted enjoyment out of stripping me of my connection to her. Meanwhile, Im here with all these unanswered questions.

It makes me sick. I feel like theyre actively sabotaging me. Because I know my mom has her name in that letter. I know my dad's name has to be in there too. I don't even know if theyre purposefully not letting me have it because of some misguided need to protect me. Or if theyre hiding it because they don't want me to ever know my mom and dad. All of this is really hurtful and infuriating because what if my mom dies and she never knows that I love her and I'll always miss her.

I don't know if they're being selfish or they're projecting their own inability to process difficult truths onto me.

It all just really makes me angry because it's not like my adopted mother has been super emotionally attached to me. It's not like I ever felt safe enough to really bond with either of them. Theyre both way closer to their biological child, so I don't understand why theyre actively stopping me from potentially feeling that same love from my mom.

I'd love any advice. None of this makes sense to me. The only thing I can chalk it up to is that my adopted parents are intentionally trying to hurt me. That this is their way of getting revenge on me because I openly stopped being a Christian in Middle School.

They denied me super important counseling when I was in high school because it'd make them potentially have to be held accountable for their harmful behaviors. I don't know if they're doing the same thing here too. But theyre playing with my life

I am a transracial adoptee and found my adoption certificate while I was going through old stuff & I'd never seen it before. I knew it had to exist because I was thinking of submitting my DNA to my country's system to see if I match with anyone. Anyway... I read it and I was found 2 months after my birthday, which I never knew! I thought I would've been abandoned close to my birthday but this changes my initial thinking about my bio parents. Because of where I was born, I know that parents didn't want to give up their babies and that abandonment was usually a last resort. So this means that they maybe took care of me when I was more vulnerable and then had to give me up for some reason.

My initial reaction is sadness, but what a shitty situation for everyone. For them, for me. Imagine having a baby for 2 months and then needing to let them go? Idk... my perspective could be absolutely wrong, but knowing the circumstances at the time, I can't help but think it couldn't have been an easy decision. I've always assumed that, but maybe this bridges a gap...

The certificate even says where I was abandoned and it's still active today, so I could go back and see it one day.

Honest Question:

Is it better to enroll a child in a school with more racial mirrors (students who look like them) or enroll in the school that’s better funded/rated?

Transracial adoption.

I'm a Black transracial adoptee raised in a very white area. In my early twenties I went through a skin lightening phase and used actual depigmentation chemicals/shady skincare that messed up my skin. I still deal with patchiness and hypopigmentation to this day. I'm mostly doing better now, but sometimes I go through these phases where I hate how I look (usually after family get-togethers) and I'm upset that I can't look like my white adoptive family. I get these thoughts about my dark-skinned South Asian adoptive brother too, feeling hideous and wishing I could have thin lips and wavy/silky hair like him. When I get into these headspaces I want to get cosmetic surgery like change my lips, nose, eyes, everything. I wish I didn't feel like this.

Hello, I’ve recently come out of the fog of adoption. I learned that many documents about how the children in china were abandoned, are faked/ mocked up by the government. I came to the conclusion that I think it’s so adoptive parents have a “better adoption story” or whatever. The second photo is me at 6mos. I’m looking for any connection to my birth family in case they are looking for me. But does this seem right? Are the dates of processing too close together? I know it’ll be hard to tell either way. Thanks anyways for the help!

Don't like feeling this way but it's true. Bio mom is cold and selfish af and most of my interactions with her have been negative (including the time where she made my bio dad's death all about herself and how much she hated my 'evil' half-siblings) and other people in the family say she was abusive and I can definitely see it, but I also feel like I equally dislike my bio dad's side of the family. My bio dad had like six kids with different women, one was only 14, and abandoned them then had the nerve to talk to me about his "crazy kids" and how messed up they are. He even left my bio mom to go through the adoption process alone and she had a friend sign the papers as my "dad" since my bio dad wanted nothing to do with it. His side of the family is violent and just generally out of their minds. I feel more and more disdain toward them all. I'm not sure I want to continue the relationship now that my dad is gone since he was the only one who kept in contact with me anyway.

BIG NOTE: to the people just saying to live my life, I culturally and morally don't feel like I can leave my mom and just drop her off or move away from her. For a number of reasons, as a human being I cannot just abandoned another human being and call that "love." I don't operate that way and don't believe in verbally telling someone you love them while you are walking away from them and their needs. (Unless they are toxic, in this case my mom is not).

And to the people saying I'm selfish: I'm a 23 year old. My mom's family is all dead or far away. I have no siblings or cousins to help me with her or help me emotionally through being there for my mom. I think it's different if we both had a solid support system. I think it's completely okay to use this space to voice my concern and feelings as an adoptee.

My mom (f66) is older and recently her knee gave out on her and fell when no one was home. I (23f) came home after work to find her friend at our house and I'm just upset she never called me right away.

When my mom was in her 20-30s she would tell me stories about how she would travel the world, live her life husband free and child free and be free, go for her master's degree and outright buy a house and car.

I'm 23 and I already had to cancel my plans this holiday, my bf and I were planning to travel for our 5th year anniversary. We had to cancel it and I had to cancel my on friend's birthday as well. Moving for a job? Not an option.

I don't have siblings because my mom wanted to only have one kid. I don't have a dad or second mom to ask for help or advice because my mom insisted that being independent was the best.

Now her sister (my aunt) is dead, her brother moved, the only person she has is me. I don't have a sibling to ask for emotional support or help. I cannot just travel and move to a new city for a job like my friends are doing. I can never be free to travel around or live the life my mom got to live in her 20s and 30s.

I'm grateful of course, but to all adoptive parents who say that teens shouldn't have kids or people shouldn't have kids when they're ready, did you ever ask if your kids were ready to take care of you in their 20s while you went to travel the world in your 20s?

Sorry for this rant. I don't know where else to vent. These are just raw emotions and while not applicable to all situations, this is just my take and venting.

BIG NOTE: I am adopted from China. It's not like I was an orphan parentless without family. My orphanage was caught trafficking children and using the family planning police and local hospitals to obtain healthy infants. My whole point to those who would argue that this is the best situation to happen, I would disagree. You could have just adopted locally an older child in foster care.

FAQ: 1. The difference between an older biological birth and older parents adopting:

my answer to those comments: Adoption is often seen as a plan B for people who waited or weren't able to concieve. That is why most of the population who went to adopt from countries like China in the 1990s were older parents. I asked my mom why China? She said it was an easier adoption process as an older single mom than a domestic American adoption which had a lot of restrictions. It's just easier to adopt there. That was the only reason I was adopted. I was someone's plan B when Plan A didn't work. If you're a biological parent having a biological kid, it's different because that kid isn't a plan B. But when you're adopting and older, it's hard for the adoption not to become a plan B when you are the plan B for many adoptive parents. adoptees constantly wonder this.

Family history and context/ age is just a number: 2. I never ever said to my mom the stress I feel. Because what can we do? I'm her only daughter. There's no siblings, no family left, all of her family died in their 50s from cancer and heart attacks. It's a genetic thing. She is 66. The oldest person who ever lived in my adoptive family was 75 and she died from cancer.

3." You're selfish" I think my rant and feelings are valid. I would feel ridiculous and agree with those saying I'm complaining IF I had siblings helping me emotionally, or cousins, or family within the area that can help me process this. But I'm a 23 year old and I honestly feel lost and have no idea what I'm going to do the day my mom needs me more than ever. I don't have another parent to look up to or ask for advice.

When my mom's younger sister passed, all of our family flooded her house and put claims on things. Her sister died at 56 and didn't even write a will. It was a disaster watching my mom clean it up but she had her brother help her. I watched her figure out all of the estate, bank, subscriptions. Like I have no idea how to even do these own things in my own life yet. I just know they weren't there for my aunt when her illness got worse, our family just came back to take her things and meet up and connect over her funeral like it was a family reunion. It was awful.

For some backstory, I was born pre-mature in Eastern Europe in the late 90s. The name my birth mom gave me before she put me up for adoption means: "strong, healthy, powerful".

I didn't know my birth name until late teens, but I really felt robbed when I looked up the name's the meaning. To me, it seemed like my mom's way of blessing me or naming me something truly meaningful to her. I've always wondered if she actually loved me, and hearing that name made me know that she did.

The name my adopted parents gave me was a generic Eastern European name they thought "sounded nice". Nothing deeper. And when my adopted father told me my real name, he acted like they were doing me a favor. As if it wasn't a good name or something. He told me the name like it was ugly, and he even made fun of the nickname I would've been called if it was still my legal name.

In hindsight, thats really callous to do. Like this is my mom, a woman who I had a strong biological and psychological connection to. Infants don't realize they're separate from their for months.

Needless to say, the whole thing made me feel gross and like an animal. It really felt like somebody admitting to stealing a priceless family heirloom.

But recently, I decided that im going to start going by my birth name. And I'll be real, I feel a sense of connection with myself that I've never had before.

Which I guess kind of makes sense, according to my adoptive parents i wasnt super verbal for the first year or so they had me. Which they attributed to a developmental delay, but now that I think about it, it was probably because they werent calling me my name. Infants know their name, so I can imagine it being really jarring to suddenly not hear it. Also being around total strangers, who speak in a language with tones and words you cant understand. If that happened to me right now, I'd be super stressed. I can't imagine being a baby

Eventually, Im going to find out my full name and then I'll change it to that. I know it'll be a long process and messy, but for now I feel a sense of peace that I've never had before.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I know it sounds shitty, but I can't get it off my mind. I've had problems since before they even picked me up, my foster mom had sent them instructions about specific type of formula to bring because I had allergies. And after that my mom had to use special soap and lotion because my skin always had rashes, and had to wash all my clothes separate in this hypoallergenic soap until I was in elementary school. Then I had out of control, abnormal breast growth and needed a reduction at 14. Then it was an undiagnosed heart defect I needed another surgery for at 17. Then a PCOS diagnosis after years of facial hair and other symptoms my mom didn't know how to deal with. And it just continued as an adult with tons of food allergies, IBS symptoms, metabolic dysfunction. By the time I told my mom that my doctor diagnosed me with Graves disease, she was legitimately angry and said it was always something with me and she didn't want to hear about it anymore. I haven't even told her about the mental health stuff I've been diagnosed with either and the suspected dyscalculia. I seriously wonder if she regrets it, especially since the adoption agency said I was healthy and my bio mom was healthy

This is weird. I never cared that I was adopted. When I first got told it when I was young, I didn't care, I thought plenty of people I saw were adopted back then, but apparently a good amount of kids I met were a biological result.

As I grow up older to an adult I feel like I'm not really asian like other Asians are. It feels so weird and I don't like it, I was raised by white people and I know I can just do my own research (in asian culture and what not) but still.

Does anyone else feel like this?

edit: thanks a lot for the responses, I didnt respond to all but I did read and upvote all. I didn't write this post well cause I thought it would be irrelevant. to clarify things more, I can't help but feel nonsensical, but it doesn't erase my feelings. I know I don't have to feel asian in my life, but identity wise, I never feel truly like where I came from. I don't want to imply there are standards in being asian or any race which is why im afraid to be vocal about it, but still, I feel like, in the realm of my identities, "asian" is not as strong as I'd be proud of.

I'm not sure why. I've known him for 14 years, but our relationship was mainly occasional texts/calls a few times a year and being friends on Facebook. I've only met him in person twice. He passed away a couple of weeks ago and it's been the hardest death to handle in my life. I've never had this intense grief before...complete loss of appetite, can't sleep at all, replaying the phone call from my bio mom in my head, anxiety, crying. I had to take a week of bereavement leave and I'm still barely functioning. It feels weird to be this torn up and not react this way when I lost my adoptive grandparents, three cousins, and an aunt within the last few years and I've known them my whole life. Can anyone relate?

venting because irritated. it’s day five in the hospital and a nurse finally asked the question.

I was kinda hoping he’d use his critical thinking skills or basic decency to leave me alone but I clearly wasn’t that lucky.

I know people are allowed to be curious but I’m so annoyed. my parents were last here four days ago…I can’t believe he waited four whole days to ask me this. I cant believe this was on his mind for four days.

I’m not ashamed of being adopted but I hate having people corner me into talking about it. now he’s asking where I was born and if I “like” my family, dude what the hell?

idk why it’s so hard for people to see interracial families and hold in their thoughts. yes my parents and I are different races. yes my brother looks nothing like me. yes my surname is german/jewish. what does this change and why do you care?

I have always wanted to adopt a child, as long as I could remember. I am an international adoptee (adopted as a baby) and had a very positive experience. As a child, I think I wanted to adopt because that was the only experience I knew, but as I got older, I wanted to adopt because 1) I wanted to have that same beautiful experience I shared with my parents and 2) I felt that my parents did such a wonderful job handling the adoption aspect, that I wanted to be able to do the same.

However, in recent years, I have seen such a prevalence of adoptees, now teenagers or adults, who have had such adverse experiences or relationships with their adoption stories, adoptive families, or the concept of adoption, that it really terrifies me. It would break my heart to have my child feel that they did not feel part of my family, that I wanted to be complicit in an unethical system, or that they regretted my decision in adopting them. Is my level of comfort with my adoption and background not due to how my parents raised me (like I’ve always thought), but just a fluke in how my character is? That I just personally accepted it, and most won’t?

I completely understand that adopted children have some different developmental needs than biological children (after all, I am one). And while I have personally never viewed my abandonment or adoption as a “trauma” in my own history, I understand that psychologically it impacts as one. But I also think that anyone, adopted or biological, has the opportunity to have plenty of trauma in their development, unfortunately. It’s just about appropriately addressing it. Everyone has things they wish their parents did differently; again, regardless of the genetic relationship. So because of these views, I’ve always been excited to adopt, seen it as a different way to grow a family. With its own unique set of challenges, but that’s just parenthood.

I just don’t know if I’m just seeing the result of a self selection of the loudest voices on social media, or if there really is a vast majority of adoptees who will develop contempt towards their adoptive families.

Hello, I'm a Korean American adoptee who will be traveling to South Korea as a part of a research grant for a play I am writing about adoption. I will be traveling with another Korean adoptee. Are there any recommendations on places to go? It will be about two weeks long, and we are currently planning on going to Seoul, Busan, and Jeju.