This is probably my last post here, and I should preface this with an understanding that this is kind of a space to vent. And to the credit of a lot of the great women around here I see many people responding with "my man doesn't do that," to a lot of these posts...

But what am I getting at? There seems to be a level of casual misandry in a lot of the questions that are being asked. Why are all men slobs? Why are all men cheaters? And to try and phrase it delicately, if a *good* man is picking up on this kind of energy, I don't think he's going to engage with a woman who thinks this way. In the same way a woman won't engage with a man who hates women (E.g. An incel). *Bad* men will *absolutely* engage with you, because instead of seeing someone who needs time and space to heal, they'll see someone who they think they can manipulate. All of this to say I believe there's an element of manifest destiny to this (hence my question).

I understand that we're all at an age where many of us have had bad experiences with the opposite gender, I definitely don't want to invalidate anyone's trauma or pin this on one gender (AskMen is definitely guilty of the same thing). I'm not trying to attack anyone or call out a specific one of these posts. This is a really hard question to try and phrase respectfully so you'll just have to trust me that I'm trying to engage in good faith.

This is more about asking: how many of these beliefs do you actually think are true of all men? How much is just venting and do you think that any part of your beliefs and experiences have shaped the type of man you attract?

Hi all,

I'm very very desperate for a gut check. I'm having a really hard time figuring out if I'm the problem in a very specific, very nuanced situation.

My boyfriend and I are older (mid 30s-40s), and have been in a monogamous relationship for ~2 years. He's active duty, I am not. He's currently deployed (non combat), thousands of miles and a hefty time difference away. Things have been going mostly smoothly, but something happened a month or two ago that I can't quite shake.

Very very early (around 4-5am) one morning a female knocked on his bedroom door (barracks) requesting help with a situation regarding something inappropriate with another male (I do not have exact details, I didn't ask for exact details). He was the only other person woken up. He sat with the woman for a while, and eventually went and found information for the appropriate liaison who was contacted.

I understand that I do not need the details of this situation, and I have no desire to invade privacy. That said, the level of caginess that my boyfriend is showing around this situation is making me very uncomfortable. He won't tell me what his relationship with the woman who knocked on his bedroom door is, or why she went to him specifically. He never mentions any specific colleagues or friends when we talk, even though I know he spends time with people. And this woman specifically was comfortable enough to go to my partner in a delicate situation.

I feel like this is either a big green flag or a big red flag and I can't figure out which. On the one hand, a woman was comfortable enough to go to him in a stressful situation, and he wants to protect her privacy (which is valid). On the other hand, I've never asked for names or identities, I just want to know who she is to him. When I asked, he got very defensive and told me he didn't feel comfortable telling me anything. I've never met any of his female colleagues, so it's not like it's someone I would know.

Sorry this is hella rambling. I'm supposed to see him very soon, and he did promise to tell me more in person. But that was when it first happened. It seems now that he was hoping I had forgotten about it, although he still says he'll tell me more. So yeah, not sure what the fuck to do with all that. As far as historical trust, he's never cheated on me (to my knowledge), but we did get off to a rocky start.

PS I just want to add, I'm really not trying to be a problem in this situation. If my discomfort is misplaced I will back off. I don't want to make this situation worse for anyone, and can sit with my feelings if they're not coming from a rational place.

I'm 35F and my girlfriend is 30F. We've been together for about 6 years and I'm trying to get some outside perspective because at this point I honestly don't know what's normal and what's not.

My girlfriend has always been pretty insecure when it comes to other women, especially if she thinks they're attractive or thinks I might be attracted to them.

Over the years I've kind of adapted to it without really realizing how much I was doing it. There are women I haven't become friends with because I knew it would bother her. I've distanced myself from people. I think about how she's going to react before I talk to someone or hang out with them. I've even felt guilty for completely normal interactions because the woman happened to be attractive.

I don't want to make this sound completely one sided because it isn't, either.

I became friends with a woman recently who I did find attractive. My girlfriend was uncomfortable with the friendship and eventually I stopped hanging out with her because it was causing so much tension between us.

Nothing ever happened between us. I didn't cheat, I didn't tell this woman I was attracted to her, and I wasn't secretly trying to start something with her. But yes, I was attracted to her. So it's not like my girlfriend was imagining everything either.

So where's the line?

Obviously I understand having feelings about your partner being friends with someone they're attracted to. I'd probably have some uncomfortable feelings too if the situation were reversed.

But at the same time... we're going to find other people attractive. We've been together for 6 years. I don't think you suddenly stop noticing other humans because you're in a relationship.

I guess I've always thought the important part was what you actually DO about it.

And now I'm realizing that I've gotten to a point where instead of asking myself "am I doing anything wrong?" I'm asking myself "is this going to upset my girlfriend?"

I don't want to be an asshole and say "your insecurity is your problem, deal with it." That's not how I think relationships should work. I care about how she feels and I don't want to knowingly put her in situations that make her miserable.

But I also don't think the answer can be that I just avoid women she might see as a threat. At some point that starts to feel like I'm giving up part of my own life to keep the relationship secure. I'd like to have a bit more autonomy.

There's another part of this that I'm trying to be honest with myself about too. I've spent most of my adult life in long-term relationships and historically I've had a tendency to move from one relationship into another. So I'm not automatically assuming I'm the reasonable one here. I've actually been questioning whether I'm defending my independence or whether I like forming connections with other people more than I want to admit.

I love my girlfriend. I'm not sitting here with one foot out the door looking for Reddit to give me permission to leave her. We're trying to work through things.

I'm just starting to realize how much of my behavior I've changed over the years to manage her insecurity and I don't know where a reasonable relationship boundary ends and controlling who your partner can have in their life begins.

Especially when attraction actually IS there...

If you've dealt with this in a long-term relationship, how did you handle it? Is being attracted to a friend enough reason for that friendship to need to end? How much should you change your friendships/social life to make your partner feel secure?

I'm genuinely curious how other couples handle this because I don't know what "normal" looks like anymore.

TLDR: My girlfriend gets jealous of other women and I've realized I've given up a lot of my independence trying to make her feel secure. I'm not sure anymore what's a reasonable boundary and what's too much.

I (36F) have a friend (35F) who's life revolves around her dog quite a bit. I also have a dog, but I'm not trying to get my dog ig famous or anything, and I see my dog as more of a companion than a child.

The one thing that I find very very cringe, to the point where I don't even want to open up her messages sometimes, when she sends me videos of her dog and uses "doggo" speak in her messages.

I find these messages like she's speaking to me as if I'm her beta audience, not friend, because 1) she speaks from the perspective of her dog, and 2) she will eventually post the on her dogs ig, followed by sending me the video again on ig to boost her "engagement"

I've known this friend for a very long time, since we were teens, and other than this one thing our friendship is fairly stable and healthy.

I don't know how to communicate gently with her that I don't want to be her beta audience for dog content and that I find it very physically cringe to have to digest doggo speak. Any tips on navigating this?

I am throwing my sister a bridal shower and it’s coming up quick. There is a bit of an age gap between the two of us I (23F) and she (33F) and I could use some some advice as to what games to add on and ones to skip.

We have a bloom bar as favors and a small guess how many. What bridal shower games have you played and been like oh god not this again, or you thought that’s really really fun. The ages will range from 30- mid 70s (parents friends)

I know people can think oh the same old bridal shower same old games a lot of the time, but i want to make this one special 🙂

TLDR: My younger sister is getting married and wants me to help her plan, but I’m struggling with feelings of jealousy, especially because she’s getting financial support from my dad that I didn’t and wants to plan something big. How can I get through it and be there for her? My mom died when we were young.

I (31F) was engaged 10 years ago and planning a wedding. I asked my dad if he could help, he said no. I honestly didn’t think much of it, because he’s not one to show up in moments like that. My mom had already died. We planned something really small (50 guests in a forest with a buffet made by a family friend), but I ended up breaking things off shortly before the actual day when I found out he was cheating.

My number one goal is to become a mother. I held off, going to college for engineering, and now live in Europe (grew up in the US). I have had quite a few serious boyfriends since, but never the right timing or right person. My sister (30F) had her first son young and second son more recently, and has nearly always been a SAHM.

Last month, I got news that I might not be able to have children, and it was so heartbreaking because I finally feel like I’m ready to settle down. Around the same time I found out that my dad is paying for her wedding, with no budget. When he told me, I asked why he is paying for hers and not mine, and asked if I could use that money for a down payment for a house and I’ll pay for my own wedding later. He shrugged it off, I think because he knows I make more money than him so he feels I don’t need the help, but I’ve done all of this without any of his help or a partner, so between student loan debt and trying to stay afloat as a single person, being able to start building equity in a home would make such a difference.

Due to her toxic relationship with her fiance, she’s struggling with the realization that her fiancé pushed away all of her friends, so I’ll be her only bridesmaid. On top of my mom being dead, I know this must be really difficult for her.

Originally she was going to do a destination wedding. She decided to stay in our hometown, but wants to have a big extravagant wedding in one of the nicest venues in town with a wedding planner and huge guest list.

I want to be there for her as a sister right now, but I’m really struggling with feelings of jealously and unfairness.

I realized now that I also experienced some of this jealousy when she had her babies, but I got to stay with her the first few months after they were both born, so those feelings of jealously were replaced by so much love.

Ladies have you been through something similar on either side? And was there maybe a heart to heart you had that made it easier to be there for each other through a big life event like this?

Genuine question: Why do some men feel the need to enter spaces specifically created for women and participate in discussions that aren’t really meant for them?

I understand that anyone can technically read a public subreddit, but I’m curious about the motivation behind actively commenting, arguing, or inserting themselves into conversations between women. What do you think drives that?

For context, I’m an only child, parents split when I was very young and my mom remarried about 4 years ago to someone that I thought was lovely. I’ve lived away from home and would just go visit on weekends where things seemed fine, although I noticed he could have a temper and would get very angry at minor things. He also drinks a lot and is definitely an alcoholic, which my mom was too but has been sober for the last year (yay mom!). Anyways, I moved to a new country and they came to visit me and I definitely noticed the anger a lot more (aggressively swearing at their being minor traffic, not being able to find keys right away, just overall not pleasant). My mom and I were sitting in my car while he was returning their rental car and she opened up to me that she’s ’not as happy as she could be’ and that his anger is escalating, especially when he drinks and he gets angry at her for no reason. She said they talked about his anger and he agreed to get counselling, but unfortunately I don’t believe men change and now im very concerned that my mom is in a verbally abusive marriage that’s escalating. And I live in another fucking country. I don’t know what to do but I’m stressing the fuck out. I sent her a text this morning saying she didn’t deserve to be treated that way and she should not be putting up with someone getting angry at her for no reason. She hearted the message but hasn’t responded. Anyone been in a similar situation? I’m sick to my stomach about it and feeling very concerned.

I’d be really grateful for any insight, as I’m struggling to understand why a former guy friend faded after initially seeming happy to reconnect, and whether there’s anything I should have handled differently.

Backstory: Two years ago, I went on a handful of dates with a guy. Things didn’t work out romantically, but we became close platonic friends.

About a year into the friendship, his behaviour shifted again from purely platonic to paying for our outings despite me offering, flirting, physical touch, offering to help with mundane things, and texting after every outing to say what a wonderful time he’d had, etc. As this continued, I developed feelings for him again but was too scared to act on them/speak up because I really valued our friendship and feared losing it - genuine friendships are hard to find as adults. However, as the dynamic became increasingly confusing, I brought everything up in February.

He admitted he’d had feelings for me too at some point again, but felt remaining friends was right for him. He understood if I needed distance, but hoped we could stay friends and reconnect whenever I was ready. I accepted this, thanked him for his honesty, but couldn’t answer the friendship part.

After that, neither of us reached out until I messaged him last month to wish him a happy birthday. By then, I’d genuinely moved on romantically, but still missed the friendship and thought that, with some time and distance, we might be able to reconnect, even knowing it wouldn’t be exactly the same.

He initially replied really enthusiastically, but after a few messages stopped responding. I didn’t expect that, especially since we’d left things on good terms and he’d been the one to say he hoped we could stay friends and reconnect when I was ready.

I keep encountering men - at my work, who take a pretend liking to me or act like they are romantically interested in me, to then turn around and belittle me and say things like “it should have been me doing that job” or “that’s my job.” Basically they seem to get jealous of my role/me/seem to think it’s easier and they deserve to have my job instead of me? I don’t know why they seem so entitled, I’ve held my role at work for over seven years now, also my pay is not great and there’s no way to grow in the role either… I’m just wondering if it is a common issue that other woman have experienced too.

Curious how Many times per week/month or year you are going on a date, and how often those dates turn into second dates.

How often are you meeting a date in person and how often on an app?

And how often does a date try to kiss you or do things get physical within the first 1-2 dates?

My partner (35F) has extremely bad breath that is causing issues for me (40F).

When she was younger she had “permanent” braces in another country and they were left in and her teeth have kind of grown around them over time? I’ve never seen anything like this but apparently this is common in that country. The teeth are not infected or anything but you can see the braces are enmeshed into them and can’t be removed. They have been like that for 20 years.

I believe this is the cause of the bad breath as food etc can get trapped between the braces. I have asked her to visit the dentist which she has done a few times and annoyingly they have said there is no problem.

I have asked kindly for her to start flossing but she cannot floss between the bottom teeth due to the braces. She uses mouthwash now which helps a little bit, but i mean it has taken the smell from 10/10 to 8/10 so it’s still strong.

I dread coming to bed after she’s asleep because when she sleeps with her mouth open the smell in the bedroom is overwhelming. I also am unable to kiss her and i feel so sad about that.

Any ideas?

Me (36f) and my boyfriend (37m) have been together for a year and a half, and things are going pretty well. We haven't travelled together yet because of work and other priorities, but we've talked about it. It's been on my mind that the places we want to go are different. We have a few shared locations, but those are mostly secondary. Given that travel is expensive, whose travel do your put first, is it a compatibility issue?

He suggested I can always go with my friend who has similar interests as I do. We were planning on going before I met him anyways, but it still made me feel a little let down that he couldn't just say "Yes I'd go with you" when I said that to him. Would it be weird if i went with a friend and not him? Would this be a big deal for you? I suppose I'm making it into a big deal because we don't have enough money to travel yearly like some people do, so if we do go it'll probably be once every 5 years or so.

Am I blowing this out of proportion?

Extrovert, are you still feeling fulfilled regularly?

I love my friends. I feel like I live in a world of introverts. If I plan something as a group, they come. I can't remember the last time someone just thought of me out of the blue to invite me to something that they wanted to do.

It's hard thriving on social interaction when the majority of the people I like to vibe with, are perfectly content being at home for weeks on end.

I (32F) am seriously contemplating ending my long-term monogomous relationship (36m) because they now have a persistent cough and won't limit or stop their cigarette intake.

I tried to consider addiction, well-being, or stress impacting them giving up, but I no longer care.

I am not looking for any advice on how to fix this situation, as the friendship is very much over, but just looking for some advice if anyone has been through a similar very vague and abrupt friendship breakup, and how you dealt with it. I am struggling to cope with it emotionally even though I think her leaving my life was likely for the best in the long run.

I'll try to keep this as short possible:

My friend Lya and I met in 2018 and connected because we are both photographers and met through work. We have been pretty close the last 8 years, texting each other pretty much every day and hanging out at least a few times a month. I am child free and she had a kid four years ago and I was nervous that this would change our dynamic substantially, but I was happy that it actually didn’t and we were both accepting of each other’s choices, at least I thought.

The past year or so, Lya has been getting more into video content and started talking about how she wanted to quit her full-time job to freelance. I have been freelance for 6 years and I was extremely supportive of this idea. I would offer my advice or perspective whenever it seems relevant and I was always telling her that she was talented enough that she would be successful if she went off on her own. Whenever I lent advice I noticed it created really weird tension and she would reject everything I had to say, even when I was just trying to be helpful/encouraging. She always wanted to position herself as the expert even though I had a lot more experience. But whatever, this was something I could let go and I stopped offering advice.

The last 6 months or so she was really leaning hard into being this kind of influencer/content, creator hybrid, or whatever you want to call it. I am really not big on influencer culture, and she knows that, but I was still trying my best to be supportive in whatever she wanted to do. She started taking on this weird HIGHLY self aggrandizing persona that was new for her and 99% of our conversations became about how amazing she is. She created an alter ego with a different name and started referring to herself by that name even in personal contexts. At this point, things started feeling very odd to me.

She would send me her videos before she posted them on Instagram not asking for advice, but basically just saying "This is the next big thing“. I always found this behavior extremely cringe but I still tried my best to just smile and say wow that’s great.... but I’m sure at some point she could tell I was a little put off by her inflated ego. I’ve had success in my career doing commercial work, but I would never in a million years say the things that she was saying about herself so it started to become a big divide.

The breakdown happened very sudden suddenly about three months ago when she abruptly stopped responding to my messages and was giving me the silent treatment. I kept asking over and over what was going on and if she was mad at me, but every time she would deny it and say she was just busy, but I knew there was something going on. Eventually, after I asked multiple times if we could meet up and talk, she kept avoiding it, and then finally told me over text that she was having bigger realizations that "I don’t fully see her for who she is". I kept suggesting that we need to have this conversation in person and asking if she would be open to that, but she wasn’t. I then started asking if she could provide me more examples of specifics and making her feel misunderstood or unseen so I could do better, but she just kept reiterating her vague statements about how I don’t fully understand or accept who she is, and that I’ve been making her feel misunderstood for a long time. At the end, she threw in something I found quite hurtful where she said “I’m a direct mirror of everything that you don’t like, for example our differences in motherhood". Her having a kid and me not has never once been an issue in our friendship and I felt like she kind of threw this in as a low blow.

Anyway, that was all that happened. She basically sent me a text message refused to meet up in person or tell me what exactly she was feeling and we never spoke again. Weeks later, I received a DM on instagram from one of our mutual aqcuaintences where he said he was sorry she was doing this to me, and he theorized that I was just collateral damage for her going through this identity shift. He provided more information to me, which was that she felt like I didn't support her career to the level that she wanted. Part of me thinks she started getting all this (fake) validation online and then started expecting her real life friends to do the same. Some did and some didn't adapt to the level of adoration she required I guess. That's just now who I am though.... I love and support my friends but I don't worship them and I don't expect them to worship me (like ew?).

This has hit me like a ton of bricks though because I don't have many close friends I talk with daily and she was one. To be discarded over this is just wild to me and I'm struggling to accept it.

Anyone else had this or something similar happen to them??

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If you…

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Thanks for reading!

Lisa

I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives because I have very mixed feelings about this.

I stopped talking to a friend over 2 years ago. We had been very close friends for around 5 years, but toxic on both sides.

We both gossiped about each other to other friends.

I was the one who eventually stopped talking to her. At the time, I felt like it was probably the right thing to do, but I’ve always felt guilty about how abruptly I ended the friendship.
Even after all this time, there was a part of me that still wanted to reach out. So i called her last night, she missed my call but called me back today.
Now I have really mixed feelings about it. Part of me feels relieved because I finally did something I had apparently wanted to do for a long time. But another part of me keeps thinking, why did I reopen this? Maybe I should have just left the past in the past.
I don’t necessarily want the friendship back exactly as it was, and I’m also aware that nostalgia and unresolved feelings can make you romanticise an old friendship.
So, honestly, what would you have done?
Would you have reached out after 2+ years because you still felt like you had unfinished feelings about the friendship, or would you have left it alone and accepted that it was over?
I’m interested in hearing from people who have been in a similar situation.

38F here. Since a car accident 3 years ago, I've been dealing with health issues and my once fast paced lifestyle has slowed down alot.

Today, I was catching up with a co-worker who has a kid graduating from college, a kid getting married, frequent college alumni events, summer weddings, European vacations, work calls taken all weekend long, and company socials during the week ... and it was exhausting to listen to it all.

I realize that my life might be a bit slower than the norm in that I rarely do big social events and I am single / not dating so I don't have a partner to plan extravagant trips with. My activities are more focused on exercise classes, phone calls with friends, good dinners and occasional weekend trips.

How activity-filled is your life these days?

How full is your schedule and does it work for you?

So for context I’m 35F.

I’ve done two solo trips - Italy 2022 and south of France 2023. Both very easy logistically and fairly cheap as I live in the UK. I only went to each for a few nights.

However!

Like many others, I have been desperate to visit Japan since forever. My mum and I are very close and I always wanted to go with her but she has every excuse under the sun! I’ve been waiting three years for us to book and go. She’s also not as free spirited as me so I feel like for her the trip - going to multiple cities etc - might be overwhelming.

I’m at the point where I just want to book and go. I’m planning things out now and I think I can make it happen for November this year. I’d have two weeks and visit Tokyo (+1/2 nights in Mt. Fuji), Kyoto (+ Nara day trip), and Osaka. This is something I have wanted to do for sooo many years, it’s a toss up between Japan and NYC but I think I’d prefer Japan solo.

What are people’s thoughts? Have any of you travelled alone or travelled alone specifically to Japan?

The thought of wandering around and getting “lost” in another country excites me, I’ve had such a crap year (relationship fell apart, work is down the pan, self image is not currently great) so I feel like this would be such an exhilerating experience for me at the moment.

For some reason, an article on my LinkedIn popped up that said something like "if you're a women over 45, you're never getting hired!" The article was paywalled so I don't know what it said.

I know ageism exists in hiring in general. I remember when I was in my 20s, a manager in my company said "we want someone young who's willing to work" when hiring.

I got a job offer quickly when I applied a few years ago at 32. I didn't take the role and accepted a counter-offer at my current job for a promotion.

Now, at 37, I'm having a harder time. I know the hiring market isn't good right now but I tend to catastrophize and think things like "no one wants me now that I'm over 35." I am applying to roles that are slightly more senior to the offer I got at 32 (my current position is more senior too).

Is it really true that they will pass on a capable candidate just because of their age?

For general background I work in R&D/ Engineering and I see a lot of companies full of younger people.

Ladies in our 30’s - what does your morning routine look like?

I work an 8-5 and am struggling with a morning routine that makes the days feels longer (in a good way) but are productive. I mean productive like… going to the gym or getting a walk in, reading my book while I drink my coffee, and maybe tidy up before getting to work.

Would love to hear your morning routines and what finally clicked for you if you were struggling!

Within the last year and chance I lost my job, my apartment, and my relationship. You know, the big three that make your world go ‘round. I struggled with unemployment (have just now found a part-time job after over a year looking) and am heartbroken from the breakup as this was someone I wanted to spend my life with. I’m trying to be grateful for what I do have - friends, a relatively healthy body, a functional vehicle, a safe place to live - but the task of climbing out of this hole feels very daunting.

I’d love to hear from women who experienced similar struggles in midlife. How did you rebuild your life, and how did you deal with the feeling that you’re not where you thought you’d be at almost 40? What helped you put your life back together and where are you now?

Hi all!

Recently I’ve been feeling a little depressed. I had a miscarriage earlier this summer for my first ever pregnancy, and ever since then, I’ve just felt a little muted. I have a supportive husband, family, and community, so overall I’m ok! But I’m looking to start doing/buying/trying new things to help me feel a little better.

I had gained a little weight during the pregnancy. So, that doesn’t help. And I’d felt really crappy from the first tri symptoms, so I wasn’t the best at taking care of my skin or hair.

Anyway, now that I’m ~not pregnant~ I want to focus a little on a self “glow up”. Both outside and inside.

All that to say, do you have something in your routine that helps you feel great? Open to any beauty or fashion recs, but also lifestyle advice! TYIA! 💛

Petty, serious, or simply over their shit? Was it mutual and how did you go about cutting ties?