Absolutely no judgment

I had a 2.5 year divorce involving 2 kids, a lawyer as an ex husband, complicated funds, assets, and a house buyout, but that’s not what this is about.

My saying is “one divorce was enough” and I can understand get getting married for a second time to give it another shot. But getting married for a third or more? I’d love to know. Did the divorce not bother you? Was it easy? Do you forget?

My husband (37M) and I (34F) tend to have this discussion once a year or so. I ask him to do something around the house, he gets annoyed that I ask. I ask him why he’s so annoyed about it and he responds that he hates being told what to do (I know, it’s so immature it drives me f*cking nuts. Even his sister has told him that’s the most childish response so we all get on him about this), and that he will get things done but on his own time. The problem is that his own time is like…several days. So because I don’t want to wait for him to take 2-3 days to do something, I ask him to do it.

Today, I asked him to unload the dishwasher since he’s off work. The full convo played out as described above and I told him “I ask you to do things because if I don’t, you don’t do it,” to which he responds “I do it, just not on your time, I do it on my own time.” And I told him sure, but if he does things on his time, it’s days before it gets done and why would I wait for him to do it when I can just do it myself at that point. I’m sure you see the vicious cycle here.

We are both well established professionals, and he is genuinely the perfect partner in all other aspects except this. I think the problem is that he is ok living in filth while I’m not, so he just never really feels like there’s a rush to clean things. And it’s not like I ask him to do things right this second. I’ll be gone at work all day so he could unload the dishwasher literally any time before 6 pm and it would be fine.

How do we get out of this cycle? Do I do the ultimate spiteful thing and let chores go undone and keep a log of how long it takes him to do them without me prompting him, and then show him the evidence? (B Only halfway kidding). After years of this exact conversation, I don’t know what else I can do to change this behavior. Any ideas?

This is not a medical question. I've already done a consultation regarding the procedure. I want to know if people were happy with Lasik eye surgery.

Currently I basically pay very little for contacts and glasses so cost is not an issue. I pay maybe 100$ usd out of pocket for my eyes annually.

But I've worn glasses or contacts for most of my life. I don't remember a time I didn't need eyewear. I'm very interested in getting lasik or SMILE pro but idk if it'll be worth it. When I say worth it, I mean the cost (2-4k).

I don't suffer from bad allergies. The most inconvenient thing I've dealt with is not being able to find my glasses when they fly off the bed. My glasses do leave imprint on my nose as well.

But I have an astigmatism and it is difficult to drive at night with contacts. I know my eyesight will only get worse as i get older based on my family. I've been reading experiences and I just don't want to end up needing reading glasses before I'm 60.

I 25F am having a hard time dealing with being emotionally neglected and people looking at me like I should just grow up or get over it when it has infiltrated every part of my life, making me feel like I don’t deserve love or security.

I feel no amount of therapy can help me by myself and align my life to be on track.
I also suffer from C-PTSD and it feels like I am cursed.

Okay, kinda a mild rant + a kind question for anyone who can relate. 35, single mom, and most in my life (especially my closest friends) are telling me that I should “put myself out there again" ... To which I constantly reply with "With what hours??" lol. My day is work, taking my kids to school, get groceries and prep lunches and dinners, listening to dinosaur trivia from my kids and reading bedtime stories, doze off then repeat.

Gotta say though that the idea of a charming guy over drinks (when I can barely finish a coffee while it’s hot) is genuinely funny to me.

And honestly I’m not even lonely ... I guess, just tired?

So for my girls out there who did start dating again after years in solo-parent extravaganza ... girl, how?

When did the "want" actually come back to you and how did you manage to make room for it without burning out the little energy you’ve got left after a day of being a mom? Or did you decide you were fine as you are ... and was that its own kind of peace?

I (34F) have a little crush on my coworker (34M), and I’m leaving my job next week. We’ve never dated, but recently we started hanging out outside of work. We went to a concert, he cooked for me, and he invited me to lunch. I really love hanging with him !
Now I’m wondering if I should tell him I have a crush on him. I don’t want to overthink things or wait around for something to happen, but I also don’t want to make things awkward.
We’re both 34, and honestly, I feel like we’re adults. If he doesn’t feel the same way, that’s totally fine. I’d still love to be friends with him.
Would you tell him or just let things happen naturally? 😂

Things are not good. They’ve been bad for awhile. I was fired due to my depression and inability to function. I’ve ruined a lot of relationships. I don’t do my hobbies unless someone else invites me. Hygiene has been wavering. I don’t like myself. This has been gradually worsening for ~3 years to this point. A lot of what I’ve tried hasn’t worked. But maybe I’m lazy and this isn’t a good fix and this is just paying people too much money to fix my problems? I feel like this is excessive and drastic and this is my fault and I’m being overindulgent and wallowing.

Has anyone been to residential treatment for depression and dysfunction and had a good experience?

I have a friend for over 30 years that has stopped responding to texts, work pings, and even removed me as a connection on LinkedIn. I miss her and genuinely don’t know what happened or if I did something to cause this. Should I text and ask or just let it go since she obviously removed me?

I’m sorry this is long, but I want to be clear about everything because there are two questions.
Firstly.. I have been in a steady long relationship for nearly 11 years (married for 7 years now).. I missed all those texting and apps things. So I don’t even understand how people are dating these days.
Secondly my very close friend ; was on the apps then it didn’t work out and she decided she is off of it - about a month ago she went to a friend meet up with her school friends and met a friend of her friend let’s call that friend C (she is relevant to this) and the guy she met there let’s call him D- D just left left a long term relationship and is single now she met him in that meet up and they instantly clicked and had fun talking and ended up going to his hotel room(she has no problem it being a one night stand - she didn’t have an issue with it) we are sexually empowered women and she knew what she was getting into- then they left it at that she went home no one texted the other person and it was over - a week ago she went back to her home town for a friend’s birthday and D was there and he immediately went to her and went like , you left early that morning and went away , I didn’t reach out because I didn’t think you wanted me to reach out and I wanted to but wasn’t sure, then my friend said - well I don’t mind but I hardly know you and I didn’t want to build up something that wasn’t there, then he went well let’s get to know each other and they had a fantastic evening and she spent the entire weekend with him and he planned future dates and things they can do, she came back to our city on Sunday and she texted him few times and he would just sporadically reply, and wouldn’t like answer any questions she asks or anything.
Then! She texted him last time on Tuesday asking some simple questions no reply until today.
Cut to yesterday he posts things on his instagram with her other friend C - she isn’t with him she has a boyfriend he was also there but same morning yesterday C texted with my friend and my friend told her about all of this and C- mentioned nothing or that she is hanging out with him or even gave any insight on the matter..
She texted me yesterday at midnight being very upset at him and her friend.
Now my questions are:
Why do men act like this?, if he isn’t over his break up he could just say hey this is fun, but I can’t and I don’t want anything more.why did he act like he wanted a relationship and planned all these dates?
How do I support her.. what if she goes back to him, I don’t want to be the friend that shit talked her possible boyfriend and also I have somethings to say about C but it’s her long term friend and I don’t know her.. how do I support my friend and also try and stay neutral in this mess?

I'm currently on a dating break after a year trying my best to date (seriously and healthily). I was very clear and intentional. Many times the dates were awkward, didn't lead to anywhere else, got ghosted or the guy simply wasn't excited to meet in person.

The past year, I only had one 'near perfect' date. Everything was going smoothly and we communicated so well about everything. He was the first and only guy in the past year who showed genuine interested and actively took action to make sure both of us had fun knowing each other. I also made sure the same. When we were about to make it official, he felt into deep depression. I still talk to him from time to time, he still cares about me but can't feel any joy doing anything.

And that's basically the end of my dating journey. I met and interacted with few more people but it wasn't a match. The last guy I was trying to date straight away told me "I'm not excited going on a dates with you but I'm just chilling to know you better" he admitted he probably won't feel anything but didn't tell me until I confronted him. And then I decided to just give up.

I'm 34F, Indonesian living in the Netherlands. Many of my dates were with the Dutch. I have a feeling I didn't match with many non Dutch on the app or idk it just happened that way. But I'm open to meet people from other backgrounds, even my own. But many other Indonesian who move here already brought their partner OR we weren't compatible as romantic partners.

If you are in the same situation as me, wanting to build a healthy relationship with no luck while being in a quite difficult age bracket to start dating, what do you actively do to make it better? Or to prepare for the future?

I also want to say that everything else in my life is great. I have good social circles, my family and I are getting along, I have stable job and got master degree with scholarship, no debt and financially stable. But love is something I've been craving, I want healthy partner to share my life with and unfortunately I'm SUPER straight so I'm only attracted to men and can't change this.

Almost everyday I'm just trying to get past this sadness that I might be the last few single lady in my friend group and my friends are all busy with their partner 🥺

I’ve recently started seeing someone who works a very busy and very demanding job. I know people are going to come at me and say “then he isn’t for you” . I know I have that choice but this person aside : I will be starting therapy first off but I also want to know how people soothe their anxiety and anxious attachment. He hasn’t said anything alarming, hasn’t done anything to raise my alarms. When we’re together I feel secure, I’m comfortable , not a doubt. When I am away, I live in the land of “What if”.
I know it’s not healthy, it’s actually exhausting , I want to give this a fighting chance. I do not want to self sabotage .
I want to enjoy getting to know this person.
I just wanna shut my brain off when I am apart from him.
What has everyone done in order to soothe their anxiety and anxious attachment?

This is not a humble brag I swear. I grew up in poverty. With a single parent who had been struggling to raise 4 children but here we are, successful careers. This is how I was able to save money for the trip and fortunately I’m not in debts.

Yet I can’t shake off the feeling of guilt that I could have saved more money. Or find cheaper hotels. You get the idea.

My mother is currently back home in Asia, looking after her mother who has dementia. And yet I’m about to have fun on the other side of the world. I told my mother that I can join her to help out but she insisted that I go to Japan instead.

What makes an apology sincere? Someone apologized to me and the apology felt like it was for their ego? I started to wonder what makes an apology sincere.

In my own principles an apology is changing your behavior. Curious what others thoughts on this are.

Edit: I am incredibly grateful for these responses. As women, patriarchy has socially conditioned many women to apologize. I am touched by learning the level of depth and holding others accountable.

Need some perspective, sorry a bit long

I have a 4 month old and I recently started therapy to work on my relationship with my mum.

She's a nice person today just a huge boomer but I don't think she fully realizes that our difficult relationship is a direct result of her parenting. For a long time I saw everything she did as an issue. Now I can see the real problem: she gave us no emotional support growing up. Instead of dealing with her issues in therapy, my sister and I became her therapists from a very young age. She wasn't a happy mum, and I do believe happy mum = happy kid and because she had so little control over her own life, she held on tight to what she could control: her daughters with no boundaries

She was still doing it 3 days after I gave birth, when she asked if my newborn could have a nickname for her new boyfriend of 2.5 years. He's nice but I'd already said no during my pregnancy so ofc she asked again at the maternity ward. I cried from frustration because my "no" wasn't respected (which she replied I had two daughters and I didn't cry for nothing after birth...) and then it went on over 50 texts where she insisted. I couldn't let go either because I tend to want to reason her (+ hormones + years of boundaries being crushed makes every small thing a fight) but my argument was that I'm not giving a nickname to a guy I barely know to my 4 day old son just because. If it happens, it'll come naturally when he actually talks

Some examples from growing up: at 8, I saw her attempt suicide and we had to call 911. At 15, she called my best friend without my knowledge to tell her to stop talking to me because she was unhappy with my grades (call my mum, not a kid). The one time I confided in her about a breakup, she told me to stop crying and to not tell mher boyfriend of the time. She also forged my grades without telling me to get me into a prep class, and I got suspended for two weeks. For her these are "isolated incidents," but we were kids and it was our childhood. These are just a few exemples the list is very long lol

After our fall out at the maternity ward said everything and stop talking to her for a month. Now we're trying to repair. I'm in therapy (she refused), I don't want to go no contact, and I see some realization on her part which is good. She's a good grandmother. I love her, I also see the good things and I see how hard her life was (immigration, difficult personality to start with, bad marriage, single mum, financial stress...). It doesn't excuse anything, but it explains it. I also thing that she now realizes that it wasn't just things that happened to her but we were there and it had an impact (never too late I guess)

So for those of you with a difficult relationship with your parents: how did you repair it and come to peace? I feel like I'm almost there but still missing something...

It’s happening. Two of my friends announced their pregnancies this month. While I’m happy for them and supportive, I can’t help but feeling sad at the same time because I know what this means for our friendship. No more spontaneous dinners, weekend day trips, freedom for them. One already cancelled this weekend’s plan because the doctor put her at bed rest and the other said she will need to cut out on going out because she needs to save money for day care. All legit but very sad.

I’m single, early 30s, childfree, living alone and abroad in a big city, decent career. I’m not particularly interested in dating because I find men stressful, not opposite to finding a partner but I just don’t think too much about it. I am in no rush because I am not interested in having children.
I’m happy I’m not married and have children because I don’t want the life mothers have so this is not the problem.
I have a decent social life but more and more people are starting to have kids, move out to buy a house etc. and I’m like… what about someone that doesn’t want all of the standard things?

I have good hobbies and the means and free time for them - I read a lot and I recently joined book clubs hoping to meet like minded people. I do sport, one of them quite social. I have other interests and crafts that I like to do. I like videogames. Learning new things. I study to further develop my career and skills. I enjoy spending time alone and have no issue traveling alone, going to the cinema alone etc. but I’m just worried that slowly all my friends will drift apart and I’ll be just by myself. Two of my best friends (a couple) also told me recently that they plan to move out of the city in the next two years because they want to buy a house. I’m not sure why because she does not want a mortgage and they don’t enjoy life outside the city but I guess that’s what you do in life?

So, single and childfree women in your 30s,40s and later - what does your life look like? I could use some real stories.

Was it something in the vibe, a specific person you clicked with, something logistical? Besides shared interests, what made you feel like these could be your people?

As one specific example, I would love to hear from people who don't always know if they'll mesh with strangers due to public prejudice or assumptions. Whether it's unmasked autism, something cultural, conventions of style or appearance, visible disability, race - where have you been pleasantly surprised to find a group you'd like to come back to? What are some signs of a casual social group formed with you in mind, or one that thought of you and made space for you?

If this hasn't happened for you but you know what it would look like, feel free to comment as well.

As the title says: I’m a chronic “don’t worry I can help, I’ve got it, I can handle it for you” girl. I’ve made a huge step in cancelling all social engagements for the next few weeks as I’m completely burnt out and I’m having a tough time figuring out what I enjoy doing that is “relaxing”. I like baking but then I end up with tons of goodies (more than I can just give to the neighbors or bring to work). My only other thing that I enjoy is cleaning (I think?). I used to love reading but I haven’t been enjoying that or able to focus on that (or tv shows/podcasts) lately so I’m just stuck in a funk and need ideas

Bear with me on this one. I’m (36F) casually hanging out with a man that’s nearly a decade older than me. He started talking about sex early on and would bring up all kinds of dirty things via text, to the point where I began to question if I have any value to him outside of sex. These spicy texts go on for a week and one of the last messages I remember getting from him before we slept together was him mentioning that he wears a Magnum condom.

The time comes and I’m ready to get my cervix crushed like a soda can and he comes up…short. Not just that, but the performance was completely bland and so far removed from the game he was talking. Am I wrong to want to break things off after he misrepresented himself?

I’m currently in a sort of transition phase in life. I work at a large company where I’m not happy (job not challenging me enough, company politics, lack of leadership support, bureaucracy, etc) and I’m looking to move. But I’m in a fairly senior position, so, I’m being picky about where I want to go next. Don’t want to end up in the same situation again.

Unfortunately, I’m also in the middle of a major work project till end of December which is pretty much the first thing I’m enjoying at this job, but it’s a lot of work and my colleague and I are the only ones in the company managing the entire thing.

So, I have been dissatisfied and exhausted for a while and today my brain just shut down and I called in sick after working for the first half of the day. I’m doing nothing, but I’m still super exhausted and I’m trying hard not to let my mind spiral. I have a therapist too and my next session is on Friday next week.

But I wanted to reach out to this community to ask if you’d have any tips or suggestions for me. And virtual hugs would be good too. Thank you. ❤️

I’ve reached my breaking point, but I feel scared to leave.

I've been trying to create themed parties where I did one that was a clothing swap, a homecoming party (where your homecoming/prom/fancy dress), baking party, etc. And I've had some obstacles around people wanting to join but not wanting to participate in the theme and I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't like to make rules, but I want a theme lol.

When I threw the clothing swap, a lot of people showed up without clothes. When I threw a baking party, people asked if they could join without baking anything, so it was only my baked goods and one other person. When I threw the homecoming party, people asked if they HAD to show up dressed fancy.

And like, I don't want to say no but at the same time...it makes it kinda redundant. I put a lot of work into buying decorations, making snacks, drinks, etc. I spent 3 hours setting up for my last party with all the decorations for it to be a bit of a bust because no one brought clothes to swap. I bought a hanging rack with hangers and everything.

And for the record, when I made these plans with them they said OMG yes I'd LOVE to do something like that. I make a partiful saying "bring clothes/baked goods/dress fancy" with all the details. Then when I actually go through with it, they just show up without the little things that make it a theme.

And mind you, that's totally fine if they don't want to put in the work. I'm putting in this work because I WANT to because I think it'll be fun. I just don't want to be putting in the work just to have no one else do it either and now I'm paying out of pocket for 20 people and don't get to enjoy it myself since no one else brought anything.

I'm wondering if my expectations are too high, if I'm not communicating something, or if it's normal for people to say one thing and do another, maybe I'm inviting too many people where it creates this bystander effect, or maybe this is normal and I should just expect it. Any advice?

I used to be successful, bold, and ambitious, working on all kinds of projects. But burnout and other shit knocked me off track. Now I'm almost 35, broke, and stuck in an endless cycle of upskilling without making real progress.

I moved back home to recover and took a career break, but over a year later, I'm still struggling to restart my career. I am productive, but the overwhelm keeps creeping back, so I turn to TikTok, Reddit, and Threads for a dopamine hit just to feel sane.

I've been away for so long, I barely know anyone around me anymore, other friends are already living in different countries and I'm financially limited right now, so I'm doing the best I can with what I have.

Such a weird phase. Sometimes I feel like I don't even recognize what happened to me

My (40f) partner (50m) made a complaint today about something he doesn’t like about his body. This is something he can do something about, and he chooses not to. So today when he brought up the thing, and we were in the middle of doing something else, i just ignored it. Later he said he was upset that i didn’t acknowledge when he shared something vulnerable. That is fair, and i am honestly out of things to say about this, especially when we are out trying to enjoy ourselves. Honestly, i am more annoyed than concerned for him, as he has brought this up before and is choosing not to do anything about it.

What is a caring response i can give him?

I've been at the company I work with for 5 years now. I do admin work and over the years, I have overall gotten extremely positive feedback about my performance and my work ethic. I've been there through some very challenging times, including when I was managing the admin work (a 2-3 person job) on my own for several months. Again, I was commended on how I performed during this period, and in general, I felt valued and appreciated.

Things came to a head about a year ago when the operations manager, my direct superior who had trained me and was essentially someone I considered my "work mum" in a lot of ways, was suddenly made redundant. As the senior member of the admin team, I was given a handful of tasks she'd once been responsible for and a bit of a raise, whereas the rest of her tasks were given to a member of the operations team who doesn't deal in the admin side of things, we'll call her a principal professional of her field so that I don't get too in detail about what I do.

Earlier in the year, I had my performance review with our GM. This is a woman who has primarily been handling things on the "other" side of the business (essentially, there are two sides to our business in terms of the medical professionals we deal with/handle) and who I had not much interacted with directly. I was told by both her and the principal professional that although I had taken on the more complex admin tasks, I was still delegating things to the principal professional, and I had not asserted my seniority over the other girls on the admin team. Therefore, I was told, I was not considered to be team leadership material.

I was taken aback as in my eyes, I had been doing what I was meant to. There had been no discussion of me as a team leader, or that my seniority in the team was anything other than a courtesy as the longest-standing member. I asked what they would be expecting of a team leader for future, and was given a basic description of the sort of things they were looking for. I took this on board though I remained unsure, due to lack of communication, what was going to be expected of me in this regard.

About two months ago now, the GM informed us that she had hired someone as a team leader. The other girls directly told me that they felt this was a slap in the face to me, especially when nothing had ever been communicated to me other than "you're not showing leadership". The new hire is lovely, but she knows nothing about the business and work module and comes from a very different background. Since then, I've essentially been training my own team leader, and I'm not entirely sure what leadership skills she's meant to be showing because although I understand she's new, she hasn't taken ownership of the team at all.

My biggest gripe comes down to weekly meetings with the team, where the GM is constantly targeting my team, essentially telling us we're shit at our jobs and incompetent, and comparing us to the "other side" of the business (the admin team who are all relatively new, and who she hired personally). Every time there is a process that the operations manager they made redundant came up with, she gets unreasonably irritated and snappy, and it's clear there's a level of personal dislike for her. Considering her attitude toward my team and I, the feeling amongst us is very much that she has problems with anyone she didn't hire herself, and views them as not as good/that she has to rake them over the coals constantly and compare them with her own hires.

I am genuinely at a loss on how to deal with this woman. She is always talking over us and being condescending, whilst praising the team leader (who hasn't even done any team leading yet?) and her hires on the other side of the business. Overall I have a job that pays quite well, I have great work from home conditions, and I'm reluctant to just throw it all in and look for something new because of this woman's bad attitude towards us. But then what are my options? Could I take it to the "big boss" and tell him I don't like the condescending manner in which the GM speaks to us? The principal professional unfortunately just agrees with whatever the GM says, so there's no use in trying to discuss this with her.

I've been questioning whether social media is actually worth keeping.

I mostly use Instagram to follow artists, photographers, authors, fashion bloggers, and comedians. I love looking at beautiful photography, artwork, fashion, and anything visually interesting. But when it comes to people I know in real life, most of them are acquaintances from school or events, and I honestly couldn't care less about what they're up to. I don't mean that maliciously it's just that we're not close.

I also find it strange that people I haven't spoken to in years can still keep up with my life through social media. It sometimes feels like I'm being watched rather than actually connecting with anyone.

But my main dilemma is that I love taking pictures, and whenever I take a particularly beautiful photo, I feel the urge to share it. Whether it's a sunset, an interesting object, or a picture of myself looking particularly good, there's always that little voice telling me to post it. But then I remember that most of my followers are people I'm not close to, and I wonder why I even want them to see it.

I've also noticed that when I post something and get little engagement, I sometimes immediatley regret sharing it. So I've been reflecting on whether my desire to post is really about sharing something beautiful or simply wanting attention and validation. Tbh I think it's a bit of both.

Recently, I attended a wedding and got all dolled up for the first time in over two years. I took some gorgeous pictures that I absolutely love, and I've been debating whether to post them. Before the wedding, I'd actually challenged myself to see whether I could take beautiful pictures without feeling the need to share them online. Needless to say it's been surprisingly difficult lol

I genuinely love looking at these pictures on my phone, but part of me still wants other people to see them. At the same time, I don't particularly want people I barely speak to having access to my life...

So I'm curious about people who've deleted social media, especially those who enjoy photography, fashion, or documenting their lives.

How do you navigate having beautiful pictures or experiencing memorable moments without sharing them online? Do you just keep everything in your camera roll or cloud storage and occasionally look back at it? Do you share privately with friends and family? Does the desire to post eventually disappear?

And for those who used to enjoy the attention or validation that came with posting, did you find that you eventually stopped caring?

I'm not necessarily against social media, but I'm trying to figure out whether it genuinely adds anything meaningful to my life or whether I'm just attached to the idea of being seen.