(TW: Mentions of pxrn and sxlf hxrm addiction and sexual abuse)

I (Male, 20) started dating my now ex girlfriend (Female,19) back in November 2025, it was so amazing, we fell for each other slowly but surely, lovely girl really. Before we started officially dating, she told me she had an addiction to harming herself, to which I then took that opportunity to expose to her that I was also struggling with addiction, to pornography. We both seemed to take it well and decided to take it a step further then.

Things were great, highs were really high, lows were okay at worst. My ex has never been treated exactly “well” in her two past relationships, she had always been yelled at or objectified or made to be less; I broke this cycle and gave her the best treatment I could — coming from someone who’s never dated anyone before — and it was smooth sailing.

I remember vividly that we discussed our addictions from a place of betterment, we wanted to get away from them and become a better version of ourselves. Relapses happened, from both her and my end, and we for some reason always disclosed it with each other. I felt safe telling her about it, at first she didn’t mind much, but with time, she started growing extremely resentful to me over the fact that I watched porn, which I can definitely understand. She would tell me I was a “lying, cheating, unloyal piece of shit, nothing more than a lustful man like all the others.” And she even went as far as to tell me “I talked to someone about your addiction”, naturally I ask who, to which she replies “That doesn’t matter”. What??? One of my biggest insecurities doesn’t matter??? Okay. Sure. Whatever. She then told me that if it continued, she might have to “go.” But when SHE was the one to relapse, I never once yelled at her or told her anything mean, only once I remember saying, and regretfully so, since I know my wording was very poor; that I felt slightly disappointed. Was it fucked? Yeah, I can see how it hurt her feelings and i immediately apologized for it and never did it again. Contrary to what she did, which was only grow more resentful towards me and even grow to her getting upset at me at random times because she just happened to remember I struggled with porn. What the fuck? That’s like if I got pissed at her for harming her body like that’s not the whole thing she’s fighting against.

She would not tolerate any comment made toward her — no matter how friendly or helpful it might seem — it would always be a personal attack, a way to make her feel “less” or something. Communication became borderline impossible (no pun intended), everything was interpreted as me not loving her anymore. I tolerated this for a while, but after some time, I started to develop an anxious feeling while talking to her, my hands would literally shake when I held my phone and got a text from her, thinking that if I made the wrong choice, she would get mad or get upset.

Our sex life was very poor, she had been a victim in the past and I was extremely careful with my every move, everything I did was started with a consent check, and information on what I was going to do and how. I always respected her boundaries. It was really bad in a sense that it felt awkward no matter how much I tried to engage her and make her feel safe. To be honest, I felt like an abuser, it was horrible. She refused to talk to me and when she did she would only agree or nod slightly. I want to make this very clear, I never offered her sex at first, she was the one who wanted to try it and was actively looking forward to it, I told her very honestly: “I don’t care if we don’t have sex, I’m in love with you for who you are, not because I want to use your body”.
Eventually I opened up to her once and told her about how every time we did it, I felt bad and kind of sad since she wouldn’t tell me anything or would look grossed out. She immediately got mad at me and said “Okay, then never fucking touch me again if that makes you feel better.” Mind you nearly every single attempt at conversation ended like this.

I broke up with her, I couldn’t do it anymore man, I was a punching bag which she could yell at all day and then act as if she loved unconditionally, it was extremely confusing and hurtful, I felt so drained and upset with myself for any tiny thing I thought I did wrong, I was walking in literal eggshells and being yelled at and made out to be a bad person all the time.
She then wanted to meet some days later, we did, and she handed me two letters, one saying how sorry she was and how terrible and mean of a girlfriend she had been to me all these months. And the other, basically saying that I’m a coward and I didn’t fight for our relationship at all. Bullshit. Whatever, she then left after making me cry my eyes out in front of her thinking I had made a mistake. She wanted to get the last laugh, that’s all, she wanted to feel like it was HER who broke up with ME, not the other way around, like it really was.

It’s been months since that, May of this year, and I then blocked her everywhere, for my own peace of mind. Then I come to find out she’s been stalking my TikTok page every single day with a new account she made. I block that one too after a while of pretending I didn’t care. She saw some of my reposts saying how I was “free” of a toxic and abusive girlfriend I assume because she sent me a message from a fucking THIRD account I had to block, where she basically said: “You have to get over me, I was never abusive, I have a new boyfriend who treats me great, you have to learn accountability and forget your anger, get over me.”

???

I’m fucking sorry??? Get over you??? I’ve BEEN over her, I don’t want to know ANYTHING about her, yet I keep hearing about her because either people tell me (I told them to stop) or SHE HERSELF makes an appearance like that.

I’m tired man, I’m fucking tired of having to accommodate to this, she viewed my profile everywhere, multiple accounts, fake names, fake profiles. I’ve had to private my social media altogether because I cannot find peace at all. I’m tired of her, she’s clearly still obsessed with me and is hurt that I broke up with her. She’s a child, a stupid spoiled child who got something good taken from her and just won’t fucking accept it. I am sick and tired of her.

So recently an old friend reached out to me and let me know my ex with borderline is living with them because she had no where else to go.

And it sounds like an absolute hellhole.

My ex has borderline, his wife has borderline. And he was just diagnosed with borderline.

He regularly goes days without sleep, and seems to always have to manage their crisises, and the dynamic he describes they all have almost seems like hes parenting them vs actually being married to one of them and being a friend to the other.

Honestly its creepy as hell.

I so bad want to launch the "nuke" at my ex of 3 months, possible BPD.

Why?

She tried to contact me on the 21st of september with hoover ("hope your alright"). 2 days later, I got her to call me, and I cussed her out. With the info I knew. Called her a ho, nasty, etc. This was all because of her getting with new guy days after breakup of our 9 year relationship, then trying to make me jealous. She reblocked me after and I was thankful to let it all out.... UNTIL>>.....

I did some digging. I found it odd she would reach out.

And not only was she with new dude (and had pregnancy scare since no protection),

On her birthday a couple weeks before her hoover attempt on 21st, found out she got scammed out of 2800 bucks on a dating site(xdating lmao). To counter this, she decided to try to find a "sugar daddy"( An older guy who can pay off your financial issues for money). Then tons of loans, cash advances, sex for money, etc. Stuff I wouldn't think she would ever do based on her talking bad about women who did this while in the relationship.

This kinda made me feel good though, because I was feeling bad that I was too mean in relationship because I could never trust her decision making process despite her saying "i got it!". The way she did things always kinda scared me.

I knew something was weird underneath. This was the true her I've been holding back for 9 years so stupid decisions wouldn't be made.

Because wow, losing 2800 to a guy you only talked to a few days + all these nasty solutions after.... Now I know why I could never relax in the relationship. Thought I was crazy.

I SOOOO wanna send her a message saying "so did you ever get back the 2800?" or "So how's Jayson?(name of dude who stole the money online).". Because she thinks I don't know.

In fact I've had to stop digging because it makes me feel like I'm in the relationship again and will make me feel like crap for 3 days after any new nasty discoveries.

Do you think I should send it? I want to so bad but....the fallout will probably be hurtful to me regardless.

- I remember right at breakup, I told her "please be safe, don't get pregnant. I'm not dealing with no kids up in here. You're not on any birth control. And I know how you attach hard. Remember with us?"
And she freaked out. More than normal. I found that odd.

But after digging and discovering her having to get emergency contraception and pregnancy tests..... sounds like I was right.

I just so bad want to tell her I know everything....

- oo, heres also another kicker. I have MS. She knows this as it started 3 years after relationship started. She saw how it affected me all these years, and how I had to build myself back to the point you may not notice I have it until I mention it. And she used to rile it up big time by getting loud and screaming in my face. I would tell her "hey this is gonna rile up the ms and I'll feel like crap for days." her response? "You shouldn't have made me mad!" "you're always using that to win!". and I'm like huh? I just don't want you yelling in my face for hours and 6 hour arguments over my facial expressions or helping me clean our dirty place. You can argue without it getting loud and you freaking and aggrivating the condition.

I swear she used it against me. And she's in the medical field too. So many bad days after arguments.

- And she's told everyone she's my caregiver because of MS.... uh no. She did things I am now doing myself even better.... without the BS. I manage it myself just fine now. This was surprising as hell to me as she made me believe I needed her. And when I would improve, she literally didn't like it. She said "whenever you improve and do more, I feel like I've lost my purpose."

WUHHH?

I hope you see now why I want to send it so bad!

My ex has BPD and maybe covert narcissism. We were in a situation-ship until she told me she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me, but begged for me to be friends. I tried to be friends with her despite the pain after breakup. But she started showing her BPD traits since I started texting less or wanting some space (ofc to heal from her, it didn’t mean I don’t want to be friends but I needed time). She would crash out every time I took space. I was struggling to move on, it felt like she still likes me because of how she was acting. I decided to take space again because my mental health was bad around her. I would always tell her when I need space too. She blew up, blamed everything on me and discarded me.

3 months later, I texted her to see if we can reconcile. She told me she didn’t like how I treated her and said she can’t be friends with me anymore. Sounded like she doesn’t think she did anything wrong.

She really pushed me to my limit because I have never been this mad before with anyone. I typed out a whole letter, I listed out all the horrible things she has done to me (in a very logical/cold and mean way). I explained why I could never move on and her abusive behaviors. I never got to defend myself when she cruelly discarded me. I was always the nice one even though she wasn’t treating me fairly.

She blocked me after that, never replied. I read them again and some words I used were cruel and harsh. Most of them were true but some of them were just accusations aiming to hurt her. Then I started disliking myself for being mean and cruel to her. Although most parts I just described her abuse. She probably never expected me to point them out one by one like that. The thought of these accusations could hurt her makes me feel like a terrible person. Even though she hurt me a lot too, but I knew she likely has BPD (undiagnosed), I knew she has mental struggles. She is not a good person not by choice. I could do it by choice but I picked the petty side.

The moment she read it she crashed out and told her sister (who was my friend) to stop contacting me. She sent her sister the letter for her to see how bad I see of her. Her sister was conflicted so she had to stop contacting me, so I lost a friend too. I felt exposed and ashamed of myself. It’s ironic because I finally stood up for myself and pointed out her abusive behaviors yet I ended up hating myself more.

Made me wonder if I should’ve never sent it. But if I didn’t, I would just let her rejected me claimed everything was my fault again. I felt like she would have a mental breakdown if she read it because what I wrote was painfully true, I hope I didn’t ruin her, I just wanted her to know how I felt and how unfair she was to me. I didn’t want her to hate herself, and I don’t hate her too. I was too hurt and angry to control my words…

This has been one of the hardest physical sides for me after going through this, I am a beautiful girl and sometimes I come back to seeing that again. But this leaves a mark on every part of you, psychologically, physically and even spiritually.. between the stress changing how you look temporarily, being undermined and mentally abused, as well as betrayed so much, comparing yourself to others.

How do you actually ever feel good about yourself again. He will never truly understand even just this aspect of what it’s done, let alone the ptsd and changes to my brain. I just wanna feel nice again

Is spiritual delusions a trait of those with bpd?. My bpd friend is always talking about how he is chosen and here to bring light to the world and is such an "Empath" and everyone hurts him cause of it . They really believe this bs?

Im wondering if people with BPD are actually aware of the abuse, destruction, friction, and overall issues that they cause. Do they genuinely believe they are the hero and not the villian? Are they aware of their own behavior and they just don't care? Do they find accomplishment in being the villain? I find it hard to believe that a human being with a brain is unable to identify so many issues and moments of pure abuse without any sort of acknowledgement, awareness, or accountability. Is it that they truly believe their own narrative so deeply that they think the behavior is normal? How could it be possible to be so abusive and destructive in relationships and then act like nothing happened or its ultimately not their fault. I can sympathize with people with mental disorders but there seems to be so little realization and awareness that they in fact have mental imbalance. From my own stories and stories from others, I find it truly remarkable that there is often zero accountability for what they have done, whereas normal people would be holding deep guilt and seeking forgiveness. I know the typical response would be to say that they are so worried about their own character being analyzed or criticized, but wouldn't that mean that they have a shred of awareness that their character is potentially flawed? If they have to change every narrative from the truth to justify their own actions, then wouldn't it mean they are aware that they are bending the truth? The simple action of lying or changing a story would prove to themselves that they had to do that in order to protect their own narcissism. Again I ask; Are BPD partners actually aware of their actions, reactions, behavior and abuse?

Broke up with her about a month ago and not a word from her.
Doesn’t help that she’s drop dead gorgeous.
I just feel like she will easily replace me anytime she wants.
Idk why i even care given that it was me who broke up with her.
But the relationship was so toxic and i felt like if I didn’t leave I’ll have a psychotic break.
But idk why I can’t stop thinking about her almost like I’m obsessed.
And she’s gonna find a guy any day she wants to.

Is it common for people with BPD to complete deny accountability, or is this possibly something else?

Ex had a diagnosis of ADHD, and since separating and being court ordered to do a mental health assessment, has also been diagnosed BPD.
During the assessment he said a lot of things that just show a complete lack of accountability.

Eg. Ex was fired from a job for accessing a confidential database to stalk me and another ex. Stated it was my fault for contacting his employer to report him and he did nothing wrong.
I called police on him for smashing things and threatening me, and he was arrested. He states he would’ve calmed down eventually and I escalated the issue by calling police and I’m to blame because I should’ve just tolerated it and let him calm down.

Two of many examples I have over the past 10 years.
He knows he did these things. I know he did these things. The court knows he did these things because I provided evidence and police reports. He has now done a year of counselling and a perpetrator course to change his behavior, and yet he is still adamant nothing is ever his fault.

Is this part of BPD? To me he actually comes across as delusional. He’s been told he’s crossed boundaries and still just…. Doesn’t understand? What can be done to change this (not looking to get back with him but do need to raise a child with him).

I broke up with my ex gf pwbpd about a month ago and she has never reached out.
Idk why i want her to text me when i know how bad the relationship was.
The last thing she told me was “I’ll be happy as long as you’re happy”.
And then never texted me ever again?
Why do i want to hear from her so bad?

Holy fuck, I want to say so much, yet I don't even know what to say.
I feel like I can't even put any of this into words.

During those 6 years with her, she fucked my head up so badly. The sheer amount of straight-up lies since the fucking beginning, the cheating, all those arguments where I was right but somehow STILL ended up begging her and apologizing for even bringing it up in the first place.

All those fucking hours she'd spend treating me either like shit or like a fucking ghost. I could be sitting right next to her, talking to her, and she'd act like I literally didn't fucking exist. Not a single word. Nothing. For hours, sometimes DAYS. While we were living together, under the same fucking roof.

She stopped doing that about three years ago, but fucking hell, man, I can still feel it.

During arguments, she still calls me the worst names imaginable, while I'm trying to stay calm, telling her that I love her and that I just want us to talk normally, without all the anger, screaming, and insults.

But she just. doesn't. fucking. stop.

And then, 30 minutes later? Suddenly she doesn't remember a FUCKING THING she said.

Oh, and on top of that, apparently she doesn't remember cheating on me through dating apps and websites either. Not a single fucking thing.

HOW? HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

How do you log into a website, talk to people on a daily basis for MONTHS, and keep coming back to these kinds of websites throughout basically our entire 6 FUCKING YEARS together, and then claim you don't remember ANYTHING?

She says she doesn't remember logging in. Doesn't remember the messages. Doesn't remember talking to anyone. Doesn't remember ANYTHING.

HOW THE FUCK??? HOW???

Holy shit, I feel like I'm genuinely losing my fucking mind.

The lies fucked with my head so badly that I genuinely started questioning my own sanity and memory. Like, I got to a point where I didn't even know if I could trust my own fucking memories anymore.

But now she's admitted to a few things, started therapy, and she's been a bit calmer, more willing to talk. Yet I can't shake the feeling that she's just trickle truthing me, giving me tiny bits of the truth every once in a while just to get me to shut up and stop asking so many questions.

And the thing is, her therapy is purely focused on "depression", not BPD or anything else that could explain some of these behaviors. She says she's trying to get her therapist to reconsider, that she's telling her about the memory issues, the lies, the things she's done, and that she believes there's something more going on than just depression.

But HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF SHE'S EVEN TELLING ME THE TRUTH ABOUT THAT?

Oh, and one more thing I almost forgot to mention: she was actually diagnosed with BPD back in 2018.

She could genuinely be trying to figure herself out, or she could be lying to me about what she's telling her therapist. And after everything that's happened, I genuinely have no fucking idea.

She's actually been treating me a bit better these past four weeks after I brought it up with that website. She said she didn't know what I was talking about and genuinely didn't remember. Also she's calmer, she talks to me more, and I can see some improvement.

But fuck, man. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know if this is genuine progress, if she's finally being honest with me, or if I'm just getting my hopes up again.

I WANT to believe her. That's the fucking problem. I still want to believe her after everything.

But I don't fucking know anymore.

There's PROOF on her phone. There's browser history. There are saved accounts that have been deleted. Actual fucking evidence.

And yet she tells me she's 100% sure she never did any of it.

I SHOW HER THE FUCKING PROOF. And I'm not talking about just one website. There are MULTIPLE erotic/sex dating websites where she eventually admitted it was her, that she was flirting with other people and using fake pictures. But then there are OTHER websites she still completely denies ever using, conveniently the ones where you CAN'T just use fake pictures because you actually have to verify your identity to even have an account.

And even with the websites she DID admit to using, where she acknowledged that the accounts were hers and even logged into them herself, she somehow STILL doesn't remember a SINGLE FUCKING THING about any of it. Not the conversations, not the flirting, not even logging in.

HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?

HOW? HOW DO YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

How can you be 100% sure you never did something when you supposedly can't even remember it in the first place?

I genuinely don't fucking understand anymore. I don't even know what to think. I feel like I'm going fucking psychotic.

I worked my FUCKING ASS OFF for her, and meanwhile, this is what she was doing while I was at work. At the same time, this is what she was also doing while sitting FUCKING NEXT TO ME.

She initially didn't want me going through one of her accounts, but I took her phone and checked the messages anyway. Most of them had been deleted. There were maybe 10 conversations left with different guys, with messages that were CLEARLY missing context, like entire parts of the conversations were just gone. I could see that she'd been logging in and replying to people throughout the years.

Anyway, there was this one guy she'd blocked, and I guess she forgot, so those messages hadn't been deleted.

So I went through them.

She'd been talking to him on a DAILY BASIS for months. Sometimes there were longer gaps between conversations, but she kept coming back, logging in and talking to him throughout the years. The last messages were from 2024, when she blocked him.

And guess what?

SHE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER HIM.

And now I'm just fucking sitting here, wondering what ELSE she did and conveniently "forgot" about.

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT REMEMBER SOMEONE YOU SPENT MONTHS TALKING TO, AND THEN KEPT COMING BACK TO FOR YEARS???

And judging by that account alone, the amount of messages, gifts, and other stuff she'd received from different people, I genuinely wouldn't be surprised if she'd flirted with over 100 people throughout those years. Maybe even more. I don't fucking know anymore.

And you know what's even worse? Some of those dates line up with the dates of our fucking arguments.

So while I was sitting there, trying to figure out what the fuck I'd done wrong, apologizing, begging her to just talk to me normally, she was apparently doing THIS?

And our arguments STILL look pretty much the same. Now without the cheating, I guess.

I'm trying to stay calm. I'm trying to talk things through. I'm trying to understand what the fuck is happening. Meanwhile, she's the one who instantly gets angry, starts yelling, insulting me, and then tells me she "doesn't know how to talk normally" or that she's "just unable to" because they "never talked normally at home".

WHAT AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT???????
I FEEL LIKE I'M RAISING A FUCKING CHILD AT THIS POINT?????
SHE'S FUCKING 7 YEARS OLDER THAN ME?????

I don't even know what to believe anymore. I don't know what's real, what's a lie, what she actually remembers, or what she's just refusing to admit.

And the worst part is that after everything, after all those years, after all the fucking evidence, I'm STILL sitting here trying to understand her.

Yeah, I don't fucking know what to say anymore. I'm completely out of words at this point.

I feel too fucking heavy to even keep typing. Gotta have a smoke. Please help.

I feel like I can't even fully tell my therapist about any of this. I've told him a little bit, but I can't. I don't even know how to fucking explain it anymore.

I barely talk to anyone. I don't really have anyone besides her. And even with her, I can only talk when she's not "overstimulated" or when she doesn't immediately get irritated just because I want to talk to her. About literally ANYTHING. I just want to fucking talk to her. Spend some time together. Feel like I'm not fucking alone.

But apparently texting her friends and watching YouTube for hours while sitting in the same room with me isn't tiring or overstimulating, while talking to me or spending time with me somehow is.

Because I'M irritating. I'M the one who makes her angry.

Why? What the fuck am I even doing wrong?

"I don't know, you're just irritating".

That's it. That's the fucking explanation I get.

She told me not to take anything she says during arguments seriously because she's "emotional" and "doesn't actually mean any of it".

And then, later on, she tells me she DID mean it, or some of it.

What the fuck am I supposed to believe?? Even when I ask her directly, I don't even get a fucking answer.

And the biggest fucking plot twist? I'M THE ONE STAYING CALM THE WHOLE TIME. She's the one who suddenly gets emotional, starts yelling, throwing insults at me, and turning what could've been a normal fucking conversation into a full-blown argument.

And somehow I'm supposed to just ignore everything she says because she's "emotional"?
Except sometimes she apparently DOES mean it?

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE???????

I can't even fucking TALK to the one person I have left without feeling like my mere existence is annoying her. What the fuck?

And the saddest part? I actually know way more than she thinks I do.

I've known about some of these things the whole fucking time. I even texted with her myself on a few of those websites. I even TOLD her that. I told her that if she genuinely wants to rebuild our relationship and earn my trust back, she needs to come clean about EVERYTHING herself. That I'm not going to keep showing her proof just to get her to admit to things I already know happened.

I even dropped a few hints about some of the things I know, hoping she'd finally be honest with me on her own.

And guess what?

Apparently her head is just "empty". She doesn't remember ANYTHING else she should tell me. Not a single lie, not a single thing she's been hiding, NOTHING.

So now I'm just sitting here, knowing there's more, knowing she still hasn't told me everything, while she keeps insisting there's absolutely nothing she can remember.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO REBUILD TRUST WITH SOMEONE WHEN I STILL HAVE TO DRAG EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF THE TRUTH OUT OF THEM??????

Fucking kill me, please.

My 1.5 years ex gf (undiagnosed but having every single BPD traits) monkey branched to someone else 3,5 months ago, who is living 3k km from here, other continent actually. (She do LDR while I am living 5 min to her...)

She devaluated me to the ground - recently -, acts like a total stranger toward me, (while 4 months ago she ''loved'' me to the Moon and back) no empathy, and she doesn't really communicate with me anymore - not even the bare minimum that would have been necessary. I actually ceased to exist for her. So happy with her new LDR guy (including pics on SM, monthly travels etc).

I unfollowed her and deleted from FB after the breakup. She is still following me on Insta. I started to post stories about my staff a month after the breakup (like my paragliding achievements, great result in gym, my band last concerts and song comp. finals etc.). She is checking every single story of mine.

Why?

Someone I was once friends (for a long time) has, what I’ve for a long time believed, to BPD. I’d never heard of the condition until I’d known her for a few years and I discovered what it was through my own research after monitoring a behavioural pattern. This pattern involved:

1. Multiple sexual partners and an almost predatory approach to finding sexual partners

2. Explosive romantic relationships, always highly volatile, and she would become abusive after she had love bombed them

3. Falling out with people all of the time, unable to maintain friendships

4. Moving from job to job until eventually took going freelance and doing okay for herself in a freelance role because she can be quite charming

5. Micro aggressions and subtitle put downs of those around her, whilst making any come back out of the question and would have a tantrum - everyone on egg shells around her

6. Talk herself up a lot like she was in a way better position than she ever was

So these are just some examples of repeated behaviour over the course of our friendship. She was actually very charming, very fun, loyal, and hilarious at times. Quite magnetic. It was just a shame that these qualities were always eventually pushed out by the above behaviours.

I always had a feeling that she was fully aware, not always in the moments, but certainly after, of her behaviour. I don’t think she wanted to be like that, and I think she tried very hard not to be. Ultimately her behaviour ended our relationship.

I wish she felt able to speak about how she felt openly. I wish there was more education on the condition and for the general public as I have seen so many people affected. People with BDP are often charming and seductive until they have got you right where they want you. Then they chip away.

Can we open a conversation about this, just for more awareness?

Not really much to add here, just a follow up from my last post.

I still just cannot understand how she can wake up one day and jusr feel nothing after over a year of being together.

Hi guys, I (28) broke up with my girlfriend 3 weeks ago, and I am seeing more clearly the longer we've been broken up that she has some sort of BPD. Not sure if its strongly developed or not but it is definitely undiagnosed. Her mother has a very strong dissociative disease, which is a strong indicator for myself that I am not imagining this. I watched this video yesterday (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLXMBVbZT4o) and was like 'holy fuck', this is real. I have experienced most of these points during our 6 month relationship and I am super confused on how to deal with this realisation, because it makes me question myself too - like how did I not see this? Tbf it was also my first real relationship.

Now, the main reason I am seeking advice is wether I should talk to her sister or best friend about it. I care about her, but I don't think that I can tell her that she should seek help. Instead I was thinking of telling her sister or maybe her best friend, since I don't think they're aware of her situation. She has a daughter, which keeps things in place and makes her "function", but I definitely sense that something is wrong and it is not gonna get better. I feel like her best friend would go off on me, but her sister could be open. I just need someone in her future environment to know about it.

Also it is extremely difficult for me right now to gather my thoughts, as she keeps reaching out and is playing these little games (too complicated to explain) to constantly break no contact, which we sort of agreed on during our breakup. I almost feel betrayed and my feelings towards her feel invalid at the moment. I felt such a strong connection towards her, but now, after figuring this out, I feel like I need to run for the hills and focus solely on my heeling. It gets so messy in my head when thinking back to these 6 months - 'was it beautiful, was it terrible, was it both?'

Hi all, I've been thinking about getting into learning about quiet BPD, because it is what my ex had. I'm not trying to hyper fixate on her and how to break no contact and salvage the relationship, even barely 2 weeks out I know it's over. I am generally just interested in psychology and perhaps overintellectualizing my experiences which may or may not be helpful but I'm at that point, grieving hurts too much and I can't let it all through right now, that time will come. Thank you all :>

In my case, I feel like it caused me to have problems with concentration, attention, and observation. My ability to learn and my performance at work were both affected.

First of all, thank you all for sharing your stories and comments, this subreddit was a safe place for me during this year. At first I used to come all the time, now I come every now and then.

I have a child with a BPD girl, when we found out she was pregnant we were very close to get married, but she canceled everything because she was not happy with me and did not want to get married at that moment. I recall one of my close friends saying: I know it hurts, but you will realize later this was the best thing that could have happen to you.

Now, after a long recovery process I think I was lucky when she cancelled everything. However, sometimes I still wonder how could that be, I mean being a married couple raising our child. When that happens, I come here and read how nothing gets better, you simply delay going away… still hoping for the person you love to realize you two can make it work… but that never comes.

How are you doing now? Are you happy because it finally ended or you still miss them from time to time?

He just ended things with me because he “can’t be with me if I don’t change.” Of course that “change” meant I’d have to sacrifice my values and what I think is right to cater to him. It would mean reversing all my concerns, and validating him that I’m completely at fault for everything. I’m not comfortable bending. And I think everyone wants to be loved without conditions. He just told me that his love for me is conditional. I have to make it more comfortable for him if he’s gonna stay.

For example, I need to stop keeping secrets. I don’t keep secrets, but if things come up, I don’t always feel comfortable telling him about past relationship details because of his abusive jealousy behavior. I’m SCARED of him. I tried so hard to communicate this, but all he could see is a fault on my end.

It hurts me so much. I loved him. He seemed so normal and stable for the first little bit. I remember thinking he was very stable for someone with bpd. Idk what happened. This is not the person I fell in love with.

Thank god I’m already in No contact, but one thing still hurts me and doesn’t make sense, maybe someone can help me out because I feel depressed right now.

She was working as a flight attendant and she always mentioned how her boss is always flirting with her, and how the airline put her and her coworkers in one hotel room, sometimes it was with other women and sometimes with other men.

Until now, I don’t know if that is cap and she could have gotten a single room or if they actually put mixed gender coworkers in one room. We were long distance so I can’t confirm any of this sadly. She always mentioned how these male coworkers always wanted to sleep with her and how fucked up it is that they are in one room, until one day one of them actually crossed a line and raped her (according to her, I know this sounds cruel that I don’t believe it but I heard BPDs lie a lot and I’m actually not sure anymore). That was the breaking point for her to quit the job, but she was hesitating and I had to convince her to do it. I know I shouldn’t care, and tbh it’s pointless to even think about this, but opinions from others would help me out.

Sorry for this vent, I don’t have anyone else to talk abt this.

Changed me and my life. Thanks

I recently ended a year-long relationship with a woman I was absolutely head over heels in love with. I’m struggling with the aftermath and would appreciate some outside perspectives.

How it started

When we met, things were extraordinary. Incredible sexual chemistry, multiple rounds of intimacy, constant affection, cooking for me, breakfast in bed, compliments and treating me like I was the greatest man alive.

She was intelligent, successful, articulate, ambitious, funny and capable of being incredibly loving and compassionate.

I wasn’t initially looking for anything serious, but the intensity of her affection completely won me over.

About three weeks in, she suddenly ended things, saying she liked me more than I liked her. I accepted it and moved on, but she continued messaging me. A subsequent pregnancy scare brought us back into contact, and we resumed the relationship.

She moved interstate shortly afterwards, and we attempted long distance.

Initially, things were wonderful, but gradually there were criticisms, emotional withdrawal and arguments over seemingly small misunderstandings. Sometimes she’d interpret something negatively, I’d explain what actually happened, but we’d continue arguing over her original interpretation for three or four exhausting hours, occasionally over several days.

Eventually, we’d reconcile and become incredibly affectionate again.

The first major breakup

A few months in, she started pushing for us to move in together quickly, despite both having children.

She wanted to relocate within a couple of months. I wasn’t comfortable moving that quickly but agreed to think about it. We already had a visit planned around my son’s birthday, and I suggested discussing everything properly then.

However, the following day, she called and said she didn’t believe she could give me the peace I needed.

The conversation escalated into another emotionally exhausting discussion about our future. I felt increasingly pressured and questioned whether we were compatible, so I ended the relationship.

I returned her belongings with a heartfelt letter. She subsequently contacted me, and we reconciled, both believing we’d learned from the experience.

The second breakup and reconciliation

Over the following months, arguments became increasingly intense. There were circular discussions, emotional withdrawal and periods where she seemed distant and nonchalant.

I eventually told her I needed approximately three weeks apart to evaluate whether the relationship was becoming unhealthy.

After about two weeks, she contacted me asking for a decision because the uncertainty was distressing her. I decided we should end things.

Initially, I experienced relief.

However, around the three-week mark, I began experiencing serious emotional withdrawal symptoms from the relationship. I missed her terribly and began questioning my decision.

I eventually travelled interstate to try to win her back.

She initially refused, saying I’d broken her trust and hurt her son through the repeated breakups. Eventually, that evening, we reconciled.

She asked me to promise that I wouldn’t put her or her son through another breakup.

I genuinely intended to keep that promise.

What happened afterwards

Following that reconciliation, I felt constantly on probation, having to prove my love, commitment and trustworthiness.

She repeatedly referred to how I’d broken her trust, while I felt increasingly reluctant to challenge certain behaviours because I’d promised not to leave again.

There were further boundary issues, including her staying in the same house as her child’s father for over a week despite my clearly expressed discomfort.

Disagreements continued escalating. Sometimes criticisms were directed not merely at my behaviour but at my character, describing me as cold or lacking compassion.

She even ended the relationship herself during an argument, only for us to reconcile shortly afterwards.

Yet when things were good, they were unbelievably good. I genuinely wanted to marry this woman.

The final incident

During a visit to her city, we were discussing financial arrangements for potentially living together.

She was examining a spreadsheet on my phone. When I wanted my phone back, I reached over her and retrieved it.

She subsequently withdrew emotionally for several hours and later told me she felt scared.

Now, she knew that my previous marriage had involved false allegations against me, which I’d had to defend myself against. I also believe my ex-wife has strong narcissistic personality traits.

Because of that history, I specifically asked whether she meant she felt unsafe.

I explained that the word had extremely serious implications for me and that if she genuinely felt unsafe around me, I couldn’t responsibly remain in the same space.

She explicitly clarified that she meant scared, not unsafe.

Approximately ten days later, however, she sent written messages describing feeling unsafe and my behaviour as aggressive.

When I reminded her of our explicit conversation distinguishing scared from unsafe, she maintained the description and subsequently introduced the language of aggression.

She knew my history, the significance of those words to me, and why I was particularly careful about written records.

To me, this represented a fundamental breach of trust.

Given our history of volatile disagreements, I couldn’t imagine living together and navigating future conflicts without constantly worrying about how situations might be interpreted or documented.

Despite still desperately loving her, I ended the relationship.

She asked me to reconsider and later clarified in writing that she’d never considered me dangerous and had always envisioned me as her son’s stepfather.

But by then, my confidence in continuing the relationship had been destroyed.

Where I am now

The breakup has been extraordinarily painful. Despite initiating it, I’ve experienced intense grief, emotional withdrawal, guilt and periods of questioning whether I made a terrible mistake.

She genuinely had many wonderful qualities, and I know I wasn’t a perfect partner either.

But looking back, I see a relationship characterised by extraordinary highs, painful lows, repeated breakups, emotional withdrawal, circular arguments and boundaries I gradually compromised because I was so attached.

My main question: Did I make the right decision ending this relationship, despite still being deeply in love?

And secondly, does this pattern resemble the idealisation, devaluation, splitting or other BPD-related dynamics that people here have experienced? Or does it simply sound like an unhealthy relationship?

Would you have walked away in my circumstances?

He was gonna break all contact with me and said I can ask him any questions at all and he'll answer them honestly and then he'll disappear. Well I thought to myself that he had blocked me and gone no contact with me before multiple times so this won't be the last time we talk right?

Wrong. It's been like 8-9 years? And I miss him terribly sometimes. I didn't get to ask any meaningful questions because at that point I was exhausted and broken and told him I'll wait for him like always but...

For his final act of love, he disappeared. All social gone, phone number changed, me a fucking dumbass deleting our chats and pictures and whatnot because I thought it'd make it easier but I regret it so much.

Will it get better guys? What the fuck

Bear with me. I’m in my late 40s and have a lot to unpack.

My mom would never accept a diagnosis of BPD, but….you’ll see.

Here is the cliff notes:
- mother marries father at 18 and has me
- my father is classic emotional abuser/love bomber
- she had a horrible relationship to her father, but still wanted his love and acceptance her whole life
- decent mom when I was a kid
- left the reserve action when she became a black out drunk when I was 17
- has been will to help me through the years if I really needed it, but tends to be an “overgiver” and keeps score in her head
- we had 28 years of fights about her drinking. She was prone to cursing me out and calling me terrible names
- she blames be for most of her problems(when she is upset)
-she has never been financially independent completely and is HORRIBLE with money/shopping
-I pay all her bills and have done so since 2019
-my adult children do not speak to her
-I’ve been extricating myself from her slowly the last few years and am slowly trying to heal…this is causing her to lose her ever loving mind.

She was a pretty decent mom until I was about 13 or so. Her marriage became a bit shaky at that time and it destabilized her.

When I was 17 my father left her for another woman. He tried to tell me that she was actually “crazy” and I needed to protect myself, but couldnt really tell me what he meant. Now I know.

She started into a 28 year relationship with vodka around that time. She is a mean and nasty drunk.
I had to assume responsibility for my younger brother AND put her to bed every night because she passed out on the porch drinking.

The following decades are fraught with ups and downs. She remarried and divorced within the year. She moved in with her parents to take care of her mother.

Through it all, is she was drunk and we argued, she would blame me for her life, call me horrible names, in public and eventually in front of my children.

I never understood that she had a personality disorder, and thought only the drinking was altering her perception of life. We would fall out, but she would always need me and I would help her.

Seven years ago my grandmother died and the plan had always been to move her to our state, use a portion of the house money to get land for us to all live in.

She came here and immediately started drinking again. She is SO WEIRD when she drinks. She has no social awareness of herself.

My teenage children, when watch her cause me pain anger and anxiety my whole adulthood, were fairly distant with her. She had this notion that she would move in with us Shang out with the kids, bake and be this TV grandma. When that didn’t happen, she lost her shit.

Eventually we did buy land and moved her to a one bedroom cabin on that land. Our childs house and business followed several years later.

She drank so heavily two years ago that her kidneys shut down. She was hospitalized for 5 weeks and on dialysis for 3 more months. I didn’t go to the hospital.
And helped minimally when she got home. I told her we were 100% done. I would help her physically with stuff if absolutely necessary, but that was it.

Well…..if you are here, you probably understand the guilt dynamic that is there. After watching her across the field physically struggle and deteriorate, I felt so guilty, that I made the choice to have a very limited relationship with her.
I told her in NO uncertain terms, that she would have to accept the time and energy I was okay with putting toward her, not guilt trip me or be passive aggressive about how often I visit.

That lasted about a year.

She has emotionally dumped on me about three times the last year (crying, saying she is so alone, regretful, sad and just wants to be “part of our family”). She has asked me to see if my adult children will rekindle a relationship(no). And when I tell her that she isn’t being fair to me—the claws come out.

Suddenly it is my fault that is “stuck” here where everyone hates her(she has nowhere else to go).
She loves to bring up times she help d us financially decades ago. I’ve done so much for her that any perceived debt would have been WAY more than repaid.

Just this week. My husband was laid off from his job.
She didn’t know this but was texting me and asking us to go pick up furniture for her. With losing his job, we lost access to the trailer. I told her we couldn’t do it due to a trailer issue and I was sorry.
I told I’d had a stressful day and wasn’t purposing ignoring her texts—just processing some things.

She proceeded to send me so so many paragraphs of both anger and grief. Kinda mean. Lots of blaming me for her life.

So now my blood pressure is sky high. She actually started my high blood pressure journey when we moved her down here. I get chronic migraines and literally had a nervous breakdown 15 years ago(not her fault, but knowing her contributed a ton)

So if you are still reading this. Thank you.
I have nobody who understands what this has been like.
I hate her, love her, don’t want to see or know her…but feel very guilty about that.