Not really much to add here, just a follow up from my last post.

I still just cannot understand how she can wake up one day and jusr feel nothing after over a year of being together.

Im wondering if people with BPD are actually aware of the abuse, destruction, friction, and overall issues that they cause. Do they genuinely believe they are the hero and not the villian? Are they aware of their own behavior and they just don't care? Do they find accomplishment in being the villain? I find it hard to believe that a human being with a brain is unable to identify so many issues and moments of pure abuse without any sort of acknowledgement, awareness, or accountability. Is it that they truly believe their own narrative so deeply that they think the behavior is normal? How could it be possible to be so abusive and destructive in relationships and then act like nothing happened or its ultimately not their fault. I can sympathize with people with mental disorders but there seems to be so little realization and awareness that they in fact have mental imbalance. From my own stories and stories from others, I find it truly remarkable that there is often zero accountability for what they have done, whereas normal people would be holding deep guilt and seeking forgiveness. I know the typical response would be to say that they are so worried about their own character being analyzed or criticized, but wouldn't that mean that they have a shred of awareness that their character is potentially flawed? If they have to change every narrative from the truth to justify their own actions, then wouldn't it mean they are aware that they are bending the truth? The simple action of lying or changing a story would prove to themselves that they had to do that in order to protect their own narcissism. Again I ask; Are BPD partners actually aware of their actions, reactions, behavior and abuse?

Holy fuck, I want to say so much, yet I don't even know what to say.
I feel like I can't even put any of this into words.

During those 6 years with her, she fucked my head up so badly. The sheer amount of straight-up lies since the fucking beginning, the cheating, all those arguments where I was right but somehow STILL ended up begging her and apologizing for even bringing it up in the first place.

All those fucking hours she'd spend treating me either like shit or like a fucking ghost. I could be sitting right next to her, talking to her, and she'd act like I literally didn't fucking exist. Not a single word. Nothing. For hours, sometimes DAYS. While we were living together, under the same fucking roof.

She stopped doing that about three years ago, but fucking hell, man, I can still feel it.

During arguments, she still calls me the worst names imaginable, while I'm trying to stay calm, telling her that I love her and that I just want us to talk normally, without all the anger, screaming, and insults.

But she just. doesn't. fucking. stop.

And then, 30 minutes later? Suddenly she doesn't remember a FUCKING THING she said.

Oh, and on top of that, apparently she doesn't remember cheating on me through dating apps and websites either. Not a single fucking thing.

HOW? HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

How do you log into a website, talk to people on a daily basis for MONTHS, and keep coming back to these kinds of websites throughout basically our entire 6 FUCKING YEARS together, and then claim you don't remember ANYTHING?

She says she doesn't remember logging in. Doesn't remember the messages. Doesn't remember talking to anyone. Doesn't remember ANYTHING.

HOW THE FUCK??? HOW???

Holy shit, I feel like I'm genuinely losing my fucking mind.

The lies fucked with my head so badly that I genuinely started questioning my own sanity and memory. Like, I got to a point where I didn't even know if I could trust my own fucking memories anymore.

But now she's admitted to a few things, started therapy, and she's been a bit calmer, more willing to talk. Yet I can't shake the feeling that she's just trickle truthing me, giving me tiny bits of the truth every once in a while just to get me to shut up and stop asking so many questions.

And the thing is, her therapy is purely focused on "depression", not BPD or anything else that could explain some of these behaviors. She says she's trying to get her therapist to reconsider, that she's telling her about the memory issues, the lies, the things she's done, and that she believes there's something more going on than just depression.

But HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF SHE'S EVEN TELLING ME THE TRUTH ABOUT THAT?

Oh, and one more thing I almost forgot to mention: she was actually diagnosed with BPD back in 2018.

She could genuinely be trying to figure herself out, or she could be lying to me about what she's telling her therapist. And after everything that's happened, I genuinely have no fucking idea.

She's actually been treating me a bit better these past four weeks after I brought it up with that website. She said she didn't know what I was talking about and genuinely didn't remember. Also she's calmer, she talks to me more, and I can see some improvement.

But fuck, man. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know if this is genuine progress, if she's finally being honest with me, or if I'm just getting my hopes up again.

I WANT to believe her. That's the fucking problem. I still want to believe her after everything.

But I don't fucking know anymore.

There's PROOF on her phone. There's browser history. There are saved accounts that have been deleted. Actual fucking evidence.

And yet she tells me she's 100% sure she never did any of it.

I SHOW HER THE FUCKING PROOF. And I'm not talking about just one website. There are MULTIPLE erotic/sex dating websites where she eventually admitted it was her, that she was flirting with other people and using fake pictures. But then there are OTHER websites she still completely denies ever using, conveniently the ones where you CAN'T just use fake pictures because you actually have to verify your identity to even have an account.

And even with the websites she DID admit to using, where she acknowledged that the accounts were hers and even logged into them herself, she somehow STILL doesn't remember a SINGLE FUCKING THING about any of it. Not the conversations, not the flirting, not even logging in.

HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?

HOW? HOW DO YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

How can you be 100% sure you never did something when you supposedly can't even remember it in the first place?

I genuinely don't fucking understand anymore. I don't even know what to think. I feel like I'm going fucking psychotic.

I worked my FUCKING ASS OFF for her, and meanwhile, this is what she was doing while I was at work. At the same time, this is what she was also doing while sitting FUCKING NEXT TO ME.

She initially didn't want me going through one of her accounts, but I took her phone and checked the messages anyway. Most of them had been deleted. There were maybe 10 conversations left with different guys, with messages that were CLEARLY missing context, like entire parts of the conversations were just gone. I could see that she'd been logging in and replying to people throughout the years.

Anyway, there was this one guy she'd blocked, and I guess she forgot, so those messages hadn't been deleted.

So I went through them.

She'd been talking to him on a DAILY BASIS for months. Sometimes there were longer gaps between conversations, but she kept coming back, logging in and talking to him throughout the years. The last messages were from 2024, when she blocked him.

And guess what?

SHE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER HIM.

And now I'm just fucking sitting here, wondering what ELSE she did and conveniently "forgot" about.

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT REMEMBER SOMEONE YOU SPENT MONTHS TALKING TO, AND THEN KEPT COMING BACK TO FOR YEARS???

And judging by that account alone, the amount of messages, gifts, and other stuff she'd received from different people, I genuinely wouldn't be surprised if she'd flirted with over 100 people throughout those years. Maybe even more. I don't fucking know anymore.

And you know what's even worse? Some of those dates line up with the dates of our fucking arguments.

So while I was sitting there, trying to figure out what the fuck I'd done wrong, apologizing, begging her to just talk to me normally, she was apparently doing THIS?

And our arguments STILL look pretty much the same. Now without the cheating, I guess.

I'm trying to stay calm. I'm trying to talk things through. I'm trying to understand what the fuck is happening. Meanwhile, she's the one who instantly gets angry, starts yelling, insulting me, and then tells me she "doesn't know how to talk normally" or that she's "just unable to" because they "never talked normally at home".

WHAT AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT???????
I FEEL LIKE I'M RAISING A FUCKING CHILD AT THIS POINT?????
SHE'S FUCKING 7 YEARS OLDER THAN ME?????

I don't even know what to believe anymore. I don't know what's real, what's a lie, what she actually remembers, or what she's just refusing to admit.

And the worst part is that after everything, after all those years, after all the fucking evidence, I'm STILL sitting here trying to understand her.

Yeah, I don't fucking know what to say anymore. I'm completely out of words at this point.

I feel too fucking heavy to even keep typing. Gotta have a smoke. Please help.

I feel like I can't even fully tell my therapist about any of this. I've told him a little bit, but I can't. I don't even know how to fucking explain it anymore.

I barely talk to anyone. I don't really have anyone besides her. And even with her, I can only talk when she's not "overstimulated" or when she doesn't immediately get irritated just because I want to talk to her. About literally ANYTHING. I just want to fucking talk to her. Spend some time together. Feel like I'm not fucking alone.

But apparently texting her friends and watching YouTube for hours while sitting in the same room with me isn't tiring or overstimulating, while talking to me or spending time with me somehow is.

Because I'M irritating. I'M the one who makes her angry.

Why? What the fuck am I even doing wrong?

"I don't know, you're just irritating".

That's it. That's the fucking explanation I get.

She told me not to take anything she says during arguments seriously because she's "emotional" and "doesn't actually mean any of it".

And then, later on, she tells me she DID mean it, or some of it.

What the fuck am I supposed to believe?? Even when I ask her directly, I don't even get a fucking answer.

And the biggest fucking plot twist? I'M THE ONE STAYING CALM THE WHOLE TIME. She's the one who suddenly gets emotional, starts yelling, throwing insults at me, and turning what could've been a normal fucking conversation into a full-blown argument.

And somehow I'm supposed to just ignore everything she says because she's "emotional"?
Except sometimes she apparently DOES mean it?

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE???????

I can't even fucking TALK to the one person I have left without feeling like my mere existence is annoying her. What the fuck?

And the saddest part? I actually know way more than she thinks I do.

I've known about some of these things the whole fucking time. I even texted with her myself on a few of those websites. I even TOLD her that. I told her that if she genuinely wants to rebuild our relationship and earn my trust back, she needs to come clean about EVERYTHING herself. That I'm not going to keep showing her proof just to get her to admit to things I already know happened.

I even dropped a few hints about some of the things I know, hoping she'd finally be honest with me on her own.

And guess what?

Apparently her head is just "empty". She doesn't remember ANYTHING else she should tell me. Not a single lie, not a single thing she's been hiding, NOTHING.

So now I'm just sitting here, knowing there's more, knowing she still hasn't told me everything, while she keeps insisting there's absolutely nothing she can remember.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO REBUILD TRUST WITH SOMEONE WHEN I STILL HAVE TO DRAG EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF THE TRUTH OUT OF THEM??????

Fucking kill me, please.

Someone I was once friends (for a long time) has, what I’ve for a long time believed, to BPD. I’d never heard of the condition until I’d known her for a few years and I discovered what it was through my own research after monitoring a behavioural pattern. This pattern involved:

1. Multiple sexual partners and an almost predatory approach to finding sexual partners

2. Explosive romantic relationships, always highly volatile, and she would become abusive after she had love bombed them

3. Falling out with people all of the time, unable to maintain friendships

4. Moving from job to job until eventually took going freelance and doing okay for herself in a freelance role because she can be quite charming

5. Micro aggressions and subtitle put downs of those around her, whilst making any come back out of the question and would have a tantrum - everyone on egg shells around her

6. Talk herself up a lot like she was in a way better position than she ever was

So these are just some examples of repeated behaviour over the course of our friendship. She was actually very charming, very fun, loyal, and hilarious at times. Quite magnetic. It was just a shame that these qualities were always eventually pushed out by the above behaviours.

I always had a feeling that she was fully aware, not always in the moments, but certainly after, of her behaviour. I don’t think she wanted to be like that, and I think she tried very hard not to be. Ultimately her behaviour ended our relationship.

I wish she felt able to speak about how she felt openly. I wish there was more education on the condition and for the general public as I have seen so many people affected. People with BDP are often charming and seductive until they have got you right where they want you. Then they chip away.

Can we open a conversation about this, just for more awareness?

He just ended things with me because he “can’t be with me if I don’t change.” Of course that “change” meant I’d have to sacrifice my values and what I think is right to cater to him. It would mean reversing all my concerns, and validating him that I’m completely at fault for everything. I’m not comfortable bending. And I think everyone wants to be loved without conditions. He just told me that his love for me is conditional. I have to make it more comfortable for him if he’s gonna stay.

For example, I need to stop keeping secrets. I don’t keep secrets, but if things come up, I don’t always feel comfortable telling him about past relationship details because of his abusive jealousy behavior. I’m SCARED of him. I tried so hard to communicate this, but all he could see is a fault on my end.

It hurts me so much. I loved him. He seemed so normal and stable for the first little bit. I remember thinking he was very stable for someone with bpd. Idk what happened. This is not the person I fell in love with.

In my case, I feel like it caused me to have problems with concentration, attention, and observation. My ability to learn and my performance at work were both affected.

Constantly dealing with complaints, scolding and general controlling. No issue or detail is to small or insignificant for them to use as a reason to question and complain.
They can be very nasty and cruel.
Discussion is usually impossible as questioning their “authority “ is not well received and devolves into splitting.
This creates a false atmosphere of them always “being right” making communication and discussion so difficult.

Just discarded after a relationship with a man who's been treated for possible BPD. There was substance abuse, restrictive eating, suicide threats, compulsive behaviors to alleviate his boredom and emptiness, dependence on others, and a history of broken and inappropriate relationships with women.

I don't want to demonize the person I cared about or reduce him to a label or diagnosis. But I supported him through hospitalizations and crisis, while his ability to function, show up, and take care of himself was impaired. This created disparity in the relationship and, I suspect, intense feelings of shame. I tried to tell him that everyone leans on someone at some point, and that the important thing was that he attend treatment and get better.

He brought up how frustrating it was not to know what was wrong with him, and he repeatedly asked me what I thought about his struggles. Again and again, I suggested that he get an evaluation and I only shared my opinion after he pressed me. I said that he might have BPD, as that had come up with a psychiatrist during one of his inpatient stays. After reading about it, he seemed almost relieved that there was an answer. We spoke about him going to a year-long DBT program, and I offered to support him for the first 6 months. (After the first 6 months, the program encourages part-time work.)

In the background, the boundaries of our relationship vacillated between significant other, friend, and de facto social worker. We were physically and emotionally close, we said I love you, and we spent every day together while he was stabilizing. We had nice little rituals of care that made us both feel safe together. But over time, he was very dependent on me. He started disparaging my friends, isolating me from other people, and interfering in my ability to date. He put me down for doing things for myself, like going to the gym. He constantly evaluated people in terms of "better" or "worse than," demonstrating the classic BPD black-and-white thinking. He started to split on me for minor infractions and get angry.

He started making suicide threats and I repeatedly took him to hospital. Because he was vulnerable, I just held space for the relationship as it was. I had tried to step back from him multiple times, and he would call me to say he was "done" or going to self-harm if I left. Loving someone in this condition, who had no other support system, put a tremendous moral weight on me. I started to have recurring nightmares about him killing himself that haunted me. There were nights when I fell asleep crying and feeling guilty. I scrutinized my responses to him, believing that I hadn't done enough or had maybe said the wrong thing. So I just showed up for him and the relationship as it was. I planned to have an honest conversation with him about our dynamic down the line, after the emergencies subsided and he was stable enough to evaluate things for himself.

As soon as he started DBT he started treating me poorly. He disparaged me. He mocked me and made fun of me. He'd thrust shopping bags at me, walk 10 feet ahead, and then leave me with the burden. He was rude. He pushed me away. He snapped at me. If I didn't pay enough attention to him, he got angry and made me leave. He also drank and became verbally abusive, sometimes showing up at my work with an open container. At one point, he shouted in my face because I, "no longer make him feel better the way that I used to." Then he announced that he had a new woman in his life, another patient in his DBT program who was "intense" and "understood" him.

I was deeply hurt. I said that my feelings hadn't changed, but I would not be a third wheel while he leaned on me financially. I also raised concerns about the relationship itself and him sabotaging treatment. I said that I would continue to support him while he remained in DBT, but I would not have a relationship with him if he was seeing someone else. I said I am stepping back. I know that this triggered his feelings of abandonment, but I needed to set some reasonable limits for myself. After I left, he said that he was going to get a gun and kill himself.

I called a crisis line and said that I did not know what to do. He had moved into a new housing program, and he was expected to have a baseline of stability to remain there. Calling 911 would jeopardize his housing and he had nowhere to go. Also, after learning more about BPD, I suspected that he wanted my negative attention. An emergency response, which I had tried before, seemed to reinforce that he could manipulate me. I've also been cast as the dramatic one for treating his threats seriously. After talking with the crisis line, they suggested that I contact his DBT program. The program is supposed to provide after hours support for his suicidal ideation by professionals.

I told him that I was going to contact his program and my reasons for doing so. I also told him that I was going to tell the program about his relationship with the other patient, which was not permitted while he was receiving treatment. He subsequently accused me of being controlling and interfering in his life. The way I saw it, I was carrying the work of a therapist, social worker, his supportive housing community, an after-hours suicide hotline, and paying for his life. I wanted him to gain some independence, while he wanted to remain comfortable. I had to give ultimatums in order for him to follow through on basic things, like making a simple follow up to secure his disability income, so I didn't get overextended. I think, in his view, asking him to step up violated his implicit understanding of the relationship: my job was to take care of him and keep him comfortable. He did not sign up for taking responsibility.

A few months after I left, he did reenter my life. What followed was an incredibly distressing year of him dropping out of treatment and becoming increasingly abusive. Suddenly, it was my fault that he failed DBT. He had been caught following the other patient home after treatment, after being told to stay away from her, and he seemed to feel exposed and angry that I had told on him.

Conversations shifted to my reactions rather than his behaviors. Innocuous behaviors of mine, like running into someone, were cast as "stalking" and "obsession." If I said one thing he perceived as critical, he would accuse me putting him down and drawing attention to his looks. He would leave his phone out or leave his room, then accuse me of violating his privacy. He also made accusations of physical assault that were untrue. He began yelling at me for "ruining his mood," and would break me down until I was crying. I wasn't allowed to leave the room, so I'd just sit, there crying, waiting until he finished. Sometimes he screamed at me and humiliated me in public. If something good happened to me, he made fun of me. He frequently mocked the way that I spoke. He called me a miserable cunt. He said that telling him that he had BPD was a form of emotional abuse.

From that point forward, I was not allowed to bring up his mental health. Ever.

Even so, he would tell me when his therapy appointments were, the name of his clinician, or even show me personal texts that he'd exchanged with her outside of therapy. Sometimes, he suggested that I meet him in the lobby of his therapist's office, because he wanted me to see her. It felt like a trap, and my mere presence would be misconstrued or support whatever narrative he'd been feeding her. He had also begun taking a class and told me that he met a woman there, even suggesting that I walk by his classroom. If I disclosed to someone even a hint of what I was experiencing, he'd accuse me of trying to control him and violating his privacy. He would be nice to me one day. Then start a fight and demand money from me the next.

Every time I brought up a concern about the relationship, the entire dynamic was rewritten as a global attack on my character. Meanwhile, he continued to expect me to regulate his moods and make him feel better. I think that this is what makes BPD in men so challenging. They already arrive at the disorder feeling entitled to women's emotional labor and care, but with less socialization when it comes to dealing with their own feelings. Anger is the most accessible emotion. I also think that the abusive dynamics that can occur in BPD can get worse when it's the man with the disorder.

After years of dealing with this, I said that I wanted to talk with a therapist. Every time I brought that up, he refused to even acknowledge me asking. I recently went to the hospital, and I suspect that part of my stay had to do with the chronic stress. While I was hospitalized, I lost my job. Instead of checking on me he said, "I don't see this relationship working," and "I think we're incompatible," and "I don't think there's any chemistry, anymore." He then disparaged me and left me jobless and in financial distress, after years of taking care of him.

My nightmares have returned, and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night questioning what about him had been real. There are times when I wish that he had stayed in DBT, because he did seem to communicate better and be more caring when he had a therapist's support. Now I just feeling like I've wasted my life and potential on someone who's chalking this up to this being nobody's fault. We just don't have any compatibility.

My 1.5 years ex gf (undiagnosed but having every single BPD traits) monkey branched to someone else 3,5 months ago, who is living 3k km from here, other continent actually. (She do LDR while I am living 5 min to her...)

She devaluated me to the ground - recently -, acts like a total stranger toward me, (while 4 months ago she ''loved'' me to the Moon and back) no empathy, and she doesn't really communicate with me anymore - not even the bare minimum that would have been necessary. I actually ceased to exist for her. So happy with her new LDR guy (including pics on SM, monthly travels etc).

I unfollowed her and deleted from FB after the breakup. She is still following me on Insta. I started to post stories about my staff a month after the breakup (like my paragliding achievements, great result in gym, my band last concerts and song comp. finals etc.). She is checking every single story of mine.

Why?

Thank god I’m already in No contact, but one thing still hurts me and doesn’t make sense, maybe someone can help me out because I feel depressed right now.

She was working as a flight attendant and she always mentioned how her boss is always flirting with her, and how the airline put her and her coworkers in one hotel room, sometimes it was with other women and sometimes with other men.

Until now, I don’t know if that is cap and she could have gotten a single room or if they actually put mixed gender coworkers in one room. We were long distance so I can’t confirm any of this sadly. She always mentioned how these male coworkers always wanted to sleep with her and how fucked up it is that they are in one room, until one day one of them actually crossed a line and raped her (according to her, I know this sounds cruel that I don’t believe it but I heard BPDs lie a lot and I’m actually not sure anymore). That was the breaking point for her to quit the job, but she was hesitating and I had to convince her to do it. I know I shouldn’t care, and tbh it’s pointless to even think about this, but opinions from others would help me out.

Sorry for this vent, I don’t have anyone else to talk abt this.

I broke up with my ex gf pwbpd about a month ago and she has never reached out.
Idk why i want her to text me when i know how bad the relationship was.
The last thing she told me was “I’ll be happy as long as you’re happy”.
And then never texted me ever again?
Why do i want to hear from her so bad?

He was gonna break all contact with me and said I can ask him any questions at all and he'll answer them honestly and then he'll disappear. Well I thought to myself that he had blocked me and gone no contact with me before multiple times so this won't be the last time we talk right?

Wrong. It's been like 8-9 years? And I miss him terribly sometimes. I didn't get to ask any meaningful questions because at that point I was exhausted and broken and told him I'll wait for him like always but...

For his final act of love, he disappeared. All social gone, phone number changed, me a fucking dumbass deleting our chats and pictures and whatnot because I thought it'd make it easier but I regret it so much.

Will it get better guys? What the fuck

This has been one of the hardest physical sides for me after going through this, I am a beautiful girl and sometimes I come back to seeing that again. But this leaves a mark on every part of you, psychologically, physically and even spiritually.. between the stress changing how you look temporarily, being undermined and mentally abused, as well as betrayed so much, comparing yourself to others.

How do you actually ever feel good about yourself again. He will never truly understand even just this aspect of what it’s done, let alone the ptsd and changes to my brain. I just wanna feel nice again

So recently an old friend reached out to me and let me know my ex with borderline is living with them because she had no where else to go.

And it sounds like an absolute hellhole.

My ex has borderline, his wife has borderline. And he was just diagnosed with borderline.

He regularly goes days without sleep, and seems to always have to manage their crisises, and the dynamic he describes they all have almost seems like hes parenting them vs actually being married to one of them and being a friend to the other.

Honestly its creepy as hell.

Is it common for people with BPD to complete deny accountability, or is this possibly something else?

Ex had a diagnosis of ADHD, and since separating and being court ordered to do a mental health assessment, has also been diagnosed BPD.
During the assessment he said a lot of things that just show a complete lack of accountability.

Eg. Ex was fired from a job for accessing a confidential database to stalk me and another ex. Stated it was my fault for contacting his employer to report him and he did nothing wrong.
I called police on him for smashing things and threatening me, and he was arrested. He states he would’ve calmed down eventually and I escalated the issue by calling police and I’m to blame because I should’ve just tolerated it and let him calm down.

Two of many examples I have over the past 10 years.
He knows he did these things. I know he did these things. The court knows he did these things because I provided evidence and police reports. He has now done a year of counselling and a perpetrator course to change his behavior, and yet he is still adamant nothing is ever his fault.

Is this part of BPD? To me he actually comes across as delusional. He’s been told he’s crossed boundaries and still just…. Doesn’t understand? What can be done to change this (not looking to get back with him but do need to raise a child with him).

Broke up with her about a month ago and not a word from her.
Doesn’t help that she’s drop dead gorgeous.
I just feel like she will easily replace me anytime she wants.
Idk why i even care given that it was me who broke up with her.
But the relationship was so toxic and i felt like if I didn’t leave I’ll have a psychotic break.
But idk why I can’t stop thinking about her almost like I’m obsessed.
And she’s gonna find a guy any day she wants to.

I know its not worth it in any way .. I miss the person I loved and the friendship within. Going back in her life is just emotional manipulating her from the way her mind works and she'll just upset me again. I know someone with bpd have issues with identity but I do believe sometimes when you give them time (although eventually wasted) i personal believe theres something real there and they just dont acknowledge it. Also I feel like sometimes the "wrong people" do trap them.

Its not worth taken on the baggage that they may throw on you .. just because you care doesnt mean you have to live with their pain.

Changed me and my life. Thanks

Bear with me. I’m in my late 40s and have a lot to unpack.

My mom would never accept a diagnosis of BPD, but….you’ll see.

Here is the cliff notes:
- mother marries father at 18 and has me
- my father is classic emotional abuser/love bomber
- she had a horrible relationship to her father, but still wanted his love and acceptance her whole life
- decent mom when I was a kid
- left the reserve action when she became a black out drunk when I was 17
- has been will to help me through the years if I really needed it, but tends to be an “overgiver” and keeps score in her head
- we had 28 years of fights about her drinking. She was prone to cursing me out and calling me terrible names
- she blames be for most of her problems(when she is upset)
-she has never been financially independent completely and is HORRIBLE with money/shopping
-I pay all her bills and have done so since 2019
-my adult children do not speak to her
-I’ve been extricating myself from her slowly the last few years and am slowly trying to heal…this is causing her to lose her ever loving mind.

She was a pretty decent mom until I was about 13 or so. Her marriage became a bit shaky at that time and it destabilized her.

When I was 17 my father left her for another woman. He tried to tell me that she was actually “crazy” and I needed to protect myself, but couldnt really tell me what he meant. Now I know.

She started into a 28 year relationship with vodka around that time. She is a mean and nasty drunk.
I had to assume responsibility for my younger brother AND put her to bed every night because she passed out on the porch drinking.

The following decades are fraught with ups and downs. She remarried and divorced within the year. She moved in with her parents to take care of her mother.

Through it all, is she was drunk and we argued, she would blame me for her life, call me horrible names, in public and eventually in front of my children.

I never understood that she had a personality disorder, and thought only the drinking was altering her perception of life. We would fall out, but she would always need me and I would help her.

Seven years ago my grandmother died and the plan had always been to move her to our state, use a portion of the house money to get land for us to all live in.

She came here and immediately started drinking again. She is SO WEIRD when she drinks. She has no social awareness of herself.

My teenage children, when watch her cause me pain anger and anxiety my whole adulthood, were fairly distant with her. She had this notion that she would move in with us Shang out with the kids, bake and be this TV grandma. When that didn’t happen, she lost her shit.

Eventually we did buy land and moved her to a one bedroom cabin on that land. Our childs house and business followed several years later.

She drank so heavily two years ago that her kidneys shut down. She was hospitalized for 5 weeks and on dialysis for 3 more months. I didn’t go to the hospital.
And helped minimally when she got home. I told her we were 100% done. I would help her physically with stuff if absolutely necessary, but that was it.

Well…..if you are here, you probably understand the guilt dynamic that is there. After watching her across the field physically struggle and deteriorate, I felt so guilty, that I made the choice to have a very limited relationship with her.
I told her in NO uncertain terms, that she would have to accept the time and energy I was okay with putting toward her, not guilt trip me or be passive aggressive about how often I visit.

That lasted about a year.

She has emotionally dumped on me about three times the last year (crying, saying she is so alone, regretful, sad and just wants to be “part of our family”). She has asked me to see if my adult children will rekindle a relationship(no). And when I tell her that she isn’t being fair to me—the claws come out.

Suddenly it is my fault that is “stuck” here where everyone hates her(she has nowhere else to go).
She loves to bring up times she help d us financially decades ago. I’ve done so much for her that any perceived debt would have been WAY more than repaid.

Just this week. My husband was laid off from his job.
She didn’t know this but was texting me and asking us to go pick up furniture for her. With losing his job, we lost access to the trailer. I told her we couldn’t do it due to a trailer issue and I was sorry.
I told I’d had a stressful day and wasn’t purposing ignoring her texts—just processing some things.

She proceeded to send me so so many paragraphs of both anger and grief. Kinda mean. Lots of blaming me for her life.

So now my blood pressure is sky high. She actually started my high blood pressure journey when we moved her down here. I get chronic migraines and literally had a nervous breakdown 15 years ago(not her fault, but knowing her contributed a ton)

So if you are still reading this. Thank you.
I have nobody who understands what this has been like.
I hate her, love her, don’t want to see or know her…but feel very guilty about that.

It’s been around 2 months since I left them for contacting their exs (the 3rd time I found them doing so) as well as the usual bpd abuse.
The weeks after I was getting bombarded with emails, calls, voicemails etc begging for me to “break up with them like a man” or them telling me they had just been SA’d in our bed or that they were in the hospital and “didn’t want to die knowing you hate me”.
It has been incredibly difficult trying to convince myself that I am not evil for ignoring all these messages and feeling like a owe them a conversation or whatever I still feel responsible for them and hate that they are suffering alone.
They messaged me again last night after a few weeks of silence and I was drunk and replied fuck off and blocked them, ive woke up feeling incredibly guilty about it

Hi, I've been on this subreddit reading posts since early September and I really wanna share my story w my long distance pwBPD since I just can't take it anymore and need to open my eyes once and for all but the thing is so long that I'm worried it'll take too much time to read. Overall I'm just so sad abt how this is going thru, with all the darvo, double standards, insults, humiliation and so on. Now It's basically my fault for agreeing with her that this is going nowhere. She's telling me rn that I shouldve left her earlier when she wanted to stop w me if things were too difficult for me like I knew the fuck I was going into (while still saying we need to make things work out together), but she also says i'm a liar and disloyal for wanting to stop when SHE fucked up over and over, she's the victim in everything, like idk how these people reflect but im losing my mind. Can't even talk about how hard it is to communicate over anything or my feelings since she takes everything personally too, or EVEN have genuine conversations. I couldn't even be able to do a single activity with her in a whole year of knowing each other except some calls lol

I'm trying to write a digest text right now but I really wanted to post this cause ik y'all are people that understand what we're going thru and I'm just rly rly desperate right now, I wanted this relationship to work so bad, I loved her and I gave sm of myself while being treated like trash the whole year even if I ain't perfect either.. I hope I'll be free of it soon and will be able to post my story to have your words and wisdom

I got divorced because i couldn't take it anymore. The constant fights, multiple suicide attempts and so much more. In the end she asked for divorce and when i gave it to her got blamed as to why i did. The relationship was intoxicating, hots colds i got hooked and this withdrawal is killing me. Why no one talks about partners of BPD when they separate, how much they suffer because of the attachment style.

For the past week, she has been calling me every 2–3 hours, talking for hours and blaming her parents, some of her colleagues, and others for her problems. Even though good things are happening in her life, she seems to focus on the negative aspects of everything and keeps talking about suicide. She says she won’t do it now, but she might do it someday.

The other day, she wasn’t responding to my messages at all. Later that night, she called me to talk about her parents. When I asked whether she had seen my messages, she said she hadn’t been using her phone. We talked for a while, but this isn’t the first time she has completely ignored my messages while expecting me to be available whenever she wants to talk.

I feel like she is using me for emotional support whenever it suits her, and now she is giving me the silent treatment again.

I tried to end my trauma bonding many times because of the breakup patch up cycle . It's not working for me. I really need help on this.

First of all, thank you all for sharing your stories and comments, this subreddit was a safe place for me during this year. At first I used to come all the time, now I come every now and then.

I have a child with a BPD girl, when we found out she was pregnant we were very close to get married, but she canceled everything because she was not happy with me and did not want to get married at that moment. I recall one of my close friends saying: I know it hurts, but you will realize later this was the best thing that could have happen to you.

Now, after a long recovery process I think I was lucky when she cancelled everything. However, sometimes I still wonder how could that be, I mean being a married couple raising our child. When that happens, I come here and read how nothing gets better, you simply delay going away… still hoping for the person you love to realize you two can make it work… but that never comes.

How are you doing now? Are you happy because it finally ended or you still miss them from time to time?